Hell and Back: Inana's Descent to the Underworld

The Myth: Inana! Stone tablets! Feminine mystery! Unstoppable priest-queens! A Quest for Immortality from the Dawn of Civilisation!
The Book: Inana's Descent to the Netherworld
The Author: Lost to the mists of time, but fertility cultists were probably involved.
This text: This one, a consolidated multi-source translation from what seems to be one of the coolest sites on the internet.
Price: Nothin'.

Inana's Descent to the Netherworld
So Inana goes down into the underworld. It's not actually stated why she goes down into the underworld. She says it's to observe the funeral rites for her sister's husband, but since her sister guards the gate to the underworld this may be a ruse to be allowed through. Later, some divinities declare that she was seeking the divine powers of the underworld, but they're trying to weasel out of their godly duties.

Inana never actually says.

Whatever. It is not important, because the song actually starts with her abandoning everything: heaven, earth, her job, her temples - everything.

She gathers the seven divine powers and gets dressed. Power dressed. A turban. Beads. The garment of ladyship. Sexy mascara (no, really, it's called 'let a man come, let him come'). A sexy breastplate (called 'come, man, come'). Rings. And a lapis lazuli measuring rod and a measuring line.

Most importantly she takes her sidekick Nincubura. Nincubura's role is pretty important: firstly, she's to conduct the funeral rites, which involve a certain amount of self-flagellation, both public and secret. Then, when Inana has been in the underworld for long enough, she's to ask the god Enlil to bring her back. If he won't help, then go to Nanna's temple and ask him. And if that doesn't work, try Enki, who has the life-giving herb and the life-giving water. These gods aren't chosen at random: they're Inana's fathers. Well, Enki's her mother's father. But they're expected to be looking out for her interests.

'And after Enki?'
'After Enki I'm out of divine ancestors.'

Inana arrives at Ganzer, and is met by Neti, doorman of the underworld. She asks to be let through, and he asks why. She says, it's to pay respects to her brother-in-law. Neti goes to ask his mistress, Inana's sister Erec-ki-gala. Erec-ki-gala is skeptical of Inana's stated reasons, and tells Neti to bolt the seven gates. He is to let Inana through one gate at a time, and each time she is to crawl through and have one of her divine accoutrements taken away.

This he does. Inana is all, My turban, really? and Dude, my beads? and Neti is all, Hey, rites of the underworld, lady, you want to mess with the rites of the underworld? Inana arrives in Erec-ki-gala's throne room naked but unbowed, and kicks her sister off the throne and sits on it herself. This offends the judges of the underworld deeply, and they give her the death glare. And then the anger speech. And then the shouting of guilt.

Then they hang her corpse on a hook.

Three days later, Nicubura goes into action. She lacerates herself. She laments her mistress in the ruined houses, in the temples. She dresses in mourning. And she fronts up to Enlil's temple: Please don't let your daughter be killed in the underworld!

Enlil is not happy, figuring she's gone there to steal the divine powers of the underworld, and says, Yeah, look, nobody really comes back from the underworld.

So she goes to Nanna's temple in Urim: Please don't let your daughter be killed in the underworld!

Nanna is likewise unhappy, and likewise says, Yeah, look, nobody really comes back from the underworld.

So she goes to Enki's temple in Eridug: Please don't let your daughter be killed in the underworld!

Enki, at least, is worried. He's proud of his granddaughter and doesn't want her to die in the underworld. He immediately creates two spirit creatures, and gives them the live-giving herb and the live-giving water. Then he sends them off with instructions: they are to go immediately to Erec-ki-gala's palace, sneak through the gates of the underworld, present themselves in the throne room, wait until she complains about her health, and sympathise with her. This is apparently not something that Erec-ki-gala is used to, and she will offer rewards. The spirit-beings must swear her to providing a reward, but they are not under any circumstances to accept rewards of, say, a river full of water or a field full of grain. They are instead to ask for the corpse that's hanging on a hook. After that, it's a simple matter of sprinkling on the life-giving plant and water, and restoring Inana back to life.

An advantage of being one of the elder Babylonian gods is that your foresight is pretty good, and events transpire exactly as Enki predicted. But just as Inana is about to re-enter the land of the living, the judges of the underworld accost her and tell her that people do not just leave the underworld, missy, and that there are rules for this sort of thing. Inana can go on one condition: that someone else is sent back in her place. Two demons are sent with her to make sure this happens, plus a gaggle of little demons. None of them are nice demons, though it's mostly that they are boring people who don't enjoy anything and can't get dates than any actual cruelty.

The first person they meet is Nincubura. Inana says no, not this one. She points out all the self-inflicted mourning injuries, and the grieving garments, and all the praying and god-begging that Nincubura has been doing.

Fine, say the demons. Just fine.

The next person they meet is Cara. The demons are happy to take this one. No way in ... well, wherever, says Inana. This is Cara, who does my nails, does my hair, sings to me. And besides, he's clearly been mourning, because no way would he dress this badly otherwise.

Fine, say the demons. Just fine.

They move on, and come across Lulal, Inana's son. Not this one, says Inana, he's pretty reliable and anyway, he's dressed in mourning clothes like a good boy. No.

Fine, say the demons. But the next one...

The next one is Inana's husband Dumuzid. Dumuzid is seated on a throne and wearing a splendid robe.

'I notice your husband isn't dressed in mourning.'
'I notice that exact same thing.'

Now Inana gives Dumuzid the death glare, and the anger speech, and the shouting of guilt. She tells the demons to take him away. Dumuzid has divine connections of his own, however, and prays to Utu, his brother-in-law. Utu turns him into a pile of snakes, who escape.

The translation gets pretty fragmentary at this point, but Inana is more upset by the loss of her husband than she thought she'd be, and mourns. A fly helps Inana find her husband and is, in return, blessed with a destiny that will forever involve beer-houses and taverns. Dumuzid ends up time-sharing his sentence with his sister, so that each of them is in the underworld for half the year. Pomegranates are not involved at any point.

And the translation ends with a prayer to Erec-ki-gala, because obviously.

He Who Saw the Deep: The Epic of Gilgamesh

The Myth: Gilgamesh! Enkidu! Humbaba! Scorpion men! A Quest for Immortality from the Dawn of Civilisation!
The Book: The Epic of Gilgamesh
The Author: Lost to the mists of time, but the tablets were copied by countless, countless students.
This text: A 1999 translation by Andrew George
Price: The tag says $7.95 (Penguin) - free versions are available at ancienttexts.org and sacred-texts.com.

The Epic of Gilgamesh

So Gilgamesh - two thirds god and one third human - is the king of Uruk-the-Sheepfold, and he's a totally awesome king. Everyone agrees on this. He rebuilt the walls of Uruk. He's conquered all the lands.

If there's a problem, it's that he's a little too awesome. He wins all the games. He beats up all the young men. He sleeps with all the girls, usually on their wedding night. The people of Uruk pray to the gods, asking if perhaps they might divert some of their king's mighty energies.

This seems reasonable to the gods, and they make Gilgamesh a playmate. The goddess Aruru takes a pinch of clay and lets it loose in the wilderness. This is Enkidu, who grows up surrounded by wild beasts and is terribly, terribly hairy.

One day, a hunter comes across Enkidu at a watering hole. Enkidu rapidly becomes a problem, undoing all his snares and setting free all the beasts. The hunter asks his dad for his advice. The advice is: go to Uruk, tell the king, and bring back Shamhat the Harlot.

'Dad, what am I going to do about the wild man?'
'Introduce him to the benefits of civilisation.'
'Literacy and reason?'
'Ale and whores!'

The hunter follows this advice to the letter. He explains to Shamhat that the plan is for her to seduce Enkidu so that the herdbeasts spurn him. Shamhat - a professional - sets about slaking Enkidu's lusts.

This takes a week. At the end of that week, Enkidu is no longer welcome among the herdbeasts, but has learned reason and wide understanding. Shamhat is just that good.

Shamhat gets Enkidu a job as a watchman for some herdsmen, and they give him bread and ale. One of them is invited to a wedding, and tells Enkidu about the king's practice of droit-de-seigneur. Enkidu is outraged, and makes for Uruk. He confronts Gilgamesh in the marketplace, and they fight.

But not for very long. Gilgamesh realises that Enkidu is the man of his dreams - literally, he's been dreaming about rocks and axes and things - and introduces him to his mother, the goddess Ninsun. Ninsun is more than happy to take Enkidu into her family, and adopts him on the spot. And then Gilgamesh makes a proposition.

'Dude! You're awesome! Let's go kill an invincible ogre together!'
'...what?'
'C'mon! It'll be awesome!'

Literally everyone thinks that taking on the ogre Humbaba is a bad idea, up to and including Enkidu. His voice is the Deluge, they say. His voice is fire, they say. His breath is death, they say.

Pish and tosh, says Gilgamesh.

He has like seven divine auras, they say. He's been divinely appointed to guard the forest of cedar, they say.

Who's king? says Gilgamesh.

So he and Enkidu gear up, forging a bunch of axes and knives and so on. Ninsun entreats the god Shamash to buffet Humbaba at the right time with thirteen winds.

It's not a particularly fun trip out, with Gilgamesh waking up from nightmares every midnight. Enkidu builds him a house of the dream god each night, and he's pretty sure the omens are good. And eventually they're able to ambush Humbaba in the cedar grove, with only two of his auras. And then it turns out that Humbaba and Enkidu knew each other of old.

'Hey, Enkidu, long time no see. Remember all those times I didn't eat you?'
'Uh...'
'Who's your friend? With all the axes and spears and knives and...oh. Dude. Not cool.'

Thanks to Shamash's winds and Humbaba's lack of auras, Gilgamesh and Enkidu get the better of Humbaba. The ogre begs Enkidu for his life, but Enkidu freaks out at the thought of him seeking revenge later on, and urges Gilgamesh to kill him. Quickly, before the gods find out, because oh, shit they're going to be in trouble. Gilgamesh smites him in the neck. Victory!

Except for the death curse. Humbaba curses Gilgamesh and Enkidu to die young. Still, they go home to Uruk, thinking that everything is probably fine.

There's a brief interlude where Ishtar falls in love with Gilgamesh. When Gilgamesh points out that Ishtar's lovers don't tend to fare very well in the post-Ishtar relationship phase, she sends the Great Bull of Heaven to smash Uruk. Gilgamesh and Enkidu fight and kill the bull. Ishtar complains, and Enkidu throws a leg of beef at her. The horns are made into ceremonial oil flasks for Gilgamesh's patron god Lugalbanda. Gilgamesh tells everyone how great he is.

Then Enkidu falls sick and dies. He hates every minute of it: he feels that he should probably die in battle rather than just get sick like normal people. Gilgamesh agrees: it sucks. But it turns out there's nothing to be done.

But wait, thinks Gilgamesh. If Enkidu can die a boring normal person death, so can I. This is intolerable!

The Babylonians know of exactly two people who have never died: the survivors of the Deluge, Uta-napishti and his wife. Gilgamesh sets off in search of them. Eventually he finds the cave at the edge of the world that the sun travels through, guarded by fearsome scorpion-men, whose gaze is death.

These scorpion-men turn out to be the nicest death-gazing terrifying monstrosities in all of mythology. When they find out that Gilgamesh is looking for Uta-napishti and therefore immortality, they tell him that it's probably a bad idea and he should really just go home. When Gilgamesh insists, they let him through, warning that he should probably travel through the cave before sunrise, because, you know, sun.

Through the tunnel, Gilgamesh comes to the shore at the edge of the world, where there's a pub. The innkeeper, Shiduri, sees him coming and, thinking he's bad news, bolts the doors. Gilgamesh threatens to force his way in, and demands to know why he's been locked out. Shiduri tells him he looks like bad news. Why shouldn't I look like bad news, says Gilgamesh. My friend died, I'm going to die, and I've been wandering the wilderness looking for immortality.

Ah, says Shiduri, you want Ur-shanabi, the boatman of Uta-napishti. Gilgamesh thanks her and is on his way.

Down at the seaside, he sees the boatman surrounded by stone men. He heroically sweeps down and smashes them all. He then asks the boatman if he can ferry him across to see Uta-napishti.

Sure, says Ur-shanabi, if you hadn't just smashed my oarsmen to pieces. He tells Gilgamesh to collect three hundred ludicrously long wooden poles, because he's going to have to punt his way across the ocean. The boatman does try and dissuade Gilgamesh from his quest, saying that he'd really be better off going home and enjoying the rest of his days. Gilgamesh says he's on a quest for immortality, and it's immortality he's going to quest for.

They punt most of the way over the Ocean of Death before running out of poles, and then Gilgamesh makes a sail out of their clothing to make it the rest of the way.

They meet Uta-napishti on his island. Uta-napishti the Distant is an ordinary looking bloke, and Gilgamesh asks him how he came by his immortality. Uta-napishti tells his story: in the days long ago, the gods thought that humans had become a bit too unruly, and decide to wipe them out with a flood. The god Ea works out that wiping out the race that feeds, clothes, worships and otherwise supports the gods might not be the wisest of ideas, and recommends that Uta-napishti build a really big boat. Uta-napishti does so, and fills it with breeding pairs of all the animals he can find, as well as masters of all the crafts, not to mention his family and his worldly goods. When the Deluge hits, the gods themselves are frightened, and start to wonder if this flood thing was such a great idea. But Uta-napishti and his people are safe, not least because he had the foresight to bring more than two cows.

Eventually the floodwaters recede, and Uta-napishti burns a sacrifice to the gods. Enlil, chief of the gods and architect of the Deluge, is absolutely furious and makes to wipe out the survivors. However, Ea points out that this would be really very very stupid, as these are now the last surviving humans, in a god-blighted wasteland.

Ah, says Enlil.

So the decision is taken to award Uta-napishti and his wife with immortality, as long as they agree to live in exile so that nobody realises what a colossal cock-up the gods nearly made.

Uta-napishti says that he'll provide the secret of immortality to Gilgamesh - but first he has to prove that he has what it takes to conquer Death. He asks him to first show that he can conquer Sleep, and stay awake for six days and seven nights.

Gilgamesh agrees to the challenge. Then he dozes off almost immediately, and sleeps for a week.

Ah well, says Uta-napishti.

Uta-napishti tells Gilgamesh to clean himself up and go home and be a king again, and provides extravagant clothes to that purpose. At his wife's urging, he also gives him a parting gift: a plant that doesn't provide immortality but does a pretty good approximation of eternal youth. Then he tells Ur-shanabi to take him home.

They're nearly there when a snake steals the plant, leaving Gilgamesh with nothing at all except the wisdom of his travels.

Still, he says as he approaches his Uruk-the-Sheepfold, there is truly no place like home.

'Those walls were built by a genius.'

 --

So this one was a lot of fun. I'm particularly taken with the bits of Babylonian mythology from the introduction and the text, which show the Babylonian gods as pretty darn fallible. For example, in order to create humans, they need to imbue their clay with the blood of a god. Instead of, say, all cutting their fingers or something, they decide to execute the leader of a godly rebellion because hey, two birds, one stone.

It doesn't occur to them until much later that imbuing their servitor race with the blood of a treacherous troublemaker might have been a bad idea...

All for One: The Three Musketeers

The Myth: Intrigue! Adventure! Swordplay! Gunplay! All for one and one for all!
The Book: The Three Musketeers
The Author: Alexandre Dumas (1844)
This text: 2013 translation by Will Hobson
Price: $14.99 (Vintage - Gutenberg has a free version which is probably the William Barrow translation, from ca. 1846)

So I enjoyed this one a lot. It's a much more modern novel than the other things I've been reading, historically-based but mostly fictional. There's a lot of fun in Dumas' writing and, especially, his characters - some of which were a complete surprise to me.

The Three Musketeers


The novel follows young adventurer d'Artagnan for the first half and young villainess Milady de Winter for the second. When d'Artagnan heads off to Paris to seek his fortune his dad gives him some advice, which is to fight everyone he can, because fighting his awesome.

'Wait, isn't duelling illegal?'
'That makes it twice as awesome!'

D'Artagnan follows this advice pretty well, managing to get into an inconclusive tussle before he ever makes it to Paris, with a stranger who insults his horse. This is Count Rochefort, one of the Cardinal's minions, but we don't find that out for quite a while.

I honestly expected Rochefort to be more of a foil to d'Artagnan, but he really only turns up occasionally to move the plot along. Apparently he's more important in the sequel, though the epilogue has he and d'Artagnan becoming great friends.

It is d'Artagnan's lifelong ambition to join the Musketeers, so the first thing he does is front up at the house of Monsieur Treville, Captain Awesome of the Musketeers. Treville is a consummate politician as well as a dashing swordsman, and represents everything a young Gascon should aspire to.

Treville is never less than awesome wherever he turns up - he's canny, he's witty, he's manipulative. He's supportive of his men, loyal to the king and vexing to the Cardinal. Dumas' introductory description:

'...despite the swingeing swordplay that gives a soldier his stiff-hipped gait, and the endless, gruelling drills, he had become one of the most feted socialites, one of the most discriminating ladies' men, and one of the most honeyed and most delicate wordspinners of his age. ... Thus the captain of the musketeers was admired, feared and loved, which constitutes the apogee of human fortune.'

Alas, d'Artagnan's aspirations must wait a little longer: he must distinguish himself by service or valour before he can join the Musketeers.

The next thing he does is follow his dad's advice some more, and rapidly insults three musketeers in quick succession - Athos, Porthos and Aramis - and each challenges him to a duel. These three are great friends and inseparable companions, so when d'Artagnan fronts up to his twelve o'clock, he's a bit surprised to find his one o'clock and two o'clock there with him. He offers a quick apology to Porthos and Aramis: since Athos is most likely to kill him, he regrets that he may miss his later appointments.

Happily, the duel is interrupted by the arrival of the Cardinal's guard, who want to arrest them for duelling but are actually happy to simply fight them for rivalry reasons. D'Artagnan instinctively joins on the side of the Musketeers, and acquits himself so well that the three Musketeers forgive him his insults and take him into their brotherhood. When the Musketeers are hauled before the King to explain why they've killed and injured several members of the Cardinal's guard, Treville spins it in a way that was absolutely about the honour of the King and the Musketeers. He makes d'Artagnan the hero of the hour, and the King ends up rewarding him with a purse of monies and a commission in the King's Guards under Treville's brother-in-law.

'Hey, Athos, Porthos, Aramis: I've been given some money by the king. How should I invest it?'
'Big dinner. Lots of wine."
'You need a valet, or you'll look like a poor person.'
'What you really need is a mistress!'
'Right you all are!'

One of my absolute favourite sequences in the book is in Chapter VII: The Musketeers at Home. The chapter provides character sketches of each of the Musketeers: dour, silent Athos, who only speaks when he has information of great moment to impart; the extravagant peacock Porthos, who makes a big show of living large with no visible means of support; and sneaky bugger Aramis, who pretends to be a pious priest-in-waiting while covertly intriguing on behalf of his lover, who is intriguing on behalf of the queen.

The chapter also introduces the Musketeers' valets - Grimaud, who Athos has trained to remain silent and respond to eyebrow gestures; Mousqueton, who happily serves the magnanimous Porthos for board and clothing, as long as he gets two hours a day to do actual paid work; and Bizan, a saintly man who intends to follow Aramis into holy orders, any day now. Porthos recruits a valet for d'Artagnan: the stout Planchet, who serves loyally and faithfully after an instructive beating early in their relationship.

D'Artagnan, with his newfound friends, soon finds himself embroiled in Intrigue. This initially manifests as a request from his landlord, Monsieur Bonacieux, to rescue his wife from kidnappers. It turns out that Madame Bonacieux has been kidnapped by agents of the Cardinal, because she was involved in a plot to smuggle the Queen's lover into Paris for a quick ... well, nothing more than a quick chat. Before long, Athos is arrested on suspicion of being d'Artagnan, the Duke of Buckingham has left Paris in possession of two of the Queen's diamonds, Monsieur Bonacieux had become a paid informant to the Cardinal,  d'Artagnan is madly in love with his landlord's wife, and is also possession of said Cardinal's said payoff to said landlord.

Constance Bonacieux is a vaguely frustrating character: she's quick-witted, spirited and flirty, and she's offstage for almost all of the book. D'Artagnan is thus motivated by love for someone he's spent twelve and a half minutes interacting with. Although, to be fair, Constance is likewise motivated, recommending d'Artagnan to the Queen for intrigue-related services, and, when we eventually get to see her again at the end of the book, pining for him. 

The uber-plot is probably worth mentioning at this point. The Duke of Buckingham, effective ruler of England, is in love with the Queen of France, Anne of Austria. Cardinal de Richelieu, effective ruler of France, is likewise in love with the Queen of France. The Queen of France is, however, married to the King of France, who is not particularly in love with her. The Queen of France is in love with the Duke of Buckingham, but unwilling to commit because of the damage it will do to France. She is certainly not in love with Cardinal de Richelieu. The Cardinal, having lost Anne of Austria to the King of France, isn't prepared to lose her again to the Duke of Buckingham, and seeks to (a) defeat him in battle or (b) have him assassinated, and if in either course he is able to weaken the King and take over France, so much the better. The King of France doesn't want to lose face by losing either his wife or chunks of France, but is otherwise fairly indifferent.

I found it interesting that the Cardinal of the novel is far more duke than priest, and not actually all that evil. I mean, he's a scheming villain and all, but he's a patriot and a tactician, and he treats the boys with respect when he comes across them. His attitude towards d'Artagnan - and to the other Musketeers - is largely that he wants them working for him.  He's the King's rival more than his enemy.

Anyway, all of this means that when the Duke of Buckingham leaves France with two of the Queen's diamonds from a set of twelve, it's of vital importance to the Cardinal to get them back to humiliate the Queen and weaken the King, and it's of vital importance to the Queen to get them back so as not to be humiliated. Milady de Winter is the Cardinal's minion for the task. Treville tasks the Musketeers with stopping her, and d'Artagnan is in charge.

'You need any cash?'
'Nah, just stole a bag of the Cardinal's gold from my landlord.'
'Right-o.'

Athos, Porthos and Aramis are picked off one by one by the Cardinal's minions and assorted passersby, but d'Artagnan makes it to England in time to alert the Duke. Milady has already stolen the diamonds, but the Duke imprisons an Irish artisan to make replacements. D'Artagnan hurries back to Paris and arrives just in time for the Queen to wear the full set of diamonds. Face is saved! The Cardinal is vexed! Victory on all points! D'Artagnan is rewarded with the sight of his beloved, a ring from the Queen and the promise of a commission in the Musketeers (which he doesn't actually take up until several chapters later, after Milady's captivity sequence).

D'Artagnan then follows up on what happened to his comrades. Porthos is holed up in an inn with a bullet wound, with the innkeeper starting to ask serious questions about the bill. His usual source of income - his mistress, a prosecutor's wife - has dried up in a fit of jealousy. Aramis is arguing theology with a Jesuit and a priest, in preparation for finally joining the priesthood. This is less to do with his religious feeling and more that he's missed a message from his mistress and thinks she's abandoned him. Athos is holed up in a tavern cellar, drinking all the wine and eating all the ham, and shooting at anyone who tries to get him out, or who tries to take out any wine or ham. They're all more or less content to continue slouching, philosophising and drinking indefinitely, but d'Artagnan rounds them up, sorts them out and brings them home. However, in his cups, Athos does fill him in on his backstory - there was this girl... It's a sad, sad story of love and betrayal, and ends with Athos putting his wife in a noose. She deserved it, he says, and that's why Athos never has a mistress and is so grumpy all the time.

At this point the plot would probably grind to a halt, if d'Artagnan had enough of a sense of self-preservation to avoid poking the hornet's nest that is Milady de Winter. Ostensibly, he does this because she's his only lead to finding Constance, who's been kidnapped again. By impersonating Milady's lover in the dark, and by shameless abusing her maid's trust (and her maid), d'Artagnan aggressively gets himself seduced, and steals one of her rings. He shows it to Athos, who says that it appears to be one of his own rings, that went missing about the time that he murdered his wife.

D'Artagnan returns to confront Milady, and exposes her shoulder in the tussle - she's a branded criminal! Just like Athos' late wife! Revelation!

Meanwhile, the Musketeers have been called up for war, because England is invading. This means they need to outfit themselves, which means having to find a lot of money in a hurry. Porthos and Aramis wheedle some out of their mistresses - though Aramis claims to have sold some poems - and Athos, having decided to do nothing and trust in fate, finds himself in possession of one of his old rings via d'Artagnan. All is well, and they ship out to La Rochelle.

England is invading, incidentally, because the Duke of Buckingham wants to rescue Anne of Austria from her marriage. He doesn't intend to conquer France; he just hopes that the Queen will form part of the settlement package at the peace talks.

Assassins disguised as soldiers attempt to assassinate d'Artagnan on a reconnaissance mission. He kills one and wins over the other with a promise not to kill him. Then a crate of poison wine turns up purporting to be from Athos, Porthos and Aramis. Only the timely arrival of the musketeers and the untimely death of his new assassin-friend save d'Artagnan from a fate exactly the same as death. Athos says he's pretty sure the assassins and the wine came from Milady, and d'Artagnan allows that she may actually be completely batshit evil after all.

On the way home from a late night at the pub - warfare being a fairly relaxed affair except for the actual shooting - the Musketeers come across the Cardinal. Because he's intriguing and doesn't want them telling anyone, the Cardinal co-opts them as guards and has them take him to another pub. He's meeting with Milady in an upstairs room. The boys overhear her mission: go to England and assassinate Buckingham. After the Cardinal has left, Athos goes up to confront Milady, and takes the this-person-has-my-complete-authority-to-do-whatever-it-takes-for-France papers the Cardinal had given her.

Now: the Cardinal is the military mastermind defending France from an English invasion and he's sending his top agent on a mission to neutralise the enemy general. I'm not entirely sure why the King's Musketeers take it into their heads to thwart this particular plot, particularly since neither the King's nor the Queen's honour is at stake. It seems to be simply on general principles: if the Cardinal and Milady are involved, it's pretty much automatically evil. So they consult with d'Artagnan - arranging a private discussion under enemy fire in a disputed bastion, so they're not overheard - and decide to send Planchet to England to warn the Duke via Milady's brother-in-law, who d'Artagnan happened to meet in a duel earlier.

The plucky valet achieves his mission, getting to Lord de Winter before Milady is able to come ashore. His Lordship has her picked up and imprisoned in his castle. He has a grudge: Milady seduced, married, and quite probably murdered his younger brother.

We spend quite a bit of time with Milady from here on out, as she slowly seduces and corrupts her brother-in-law's incorruptible Puritan lieutenant, Felton. Lord de Winter has set up the perfect prison: Milady is not to talk to anyone, especially anyone who might conceivably be seduced. But in a very long and really rather intense sequence, Milady manages it: Felton goes from Milord's stoic and loyal lieutenant to Milady's fervent defender. He busts Milady out of the castle and puts her aboard a ship. Then he goes off to assassinate Buckingham, having been absolutely convinced that he's the kind of monster that ruins young women and gets his mates to imprison them in castles. He realises his error too late - when he sets off to rendezvous with Milady's ship, she's already buggered off to France. Duke assassinated! Self free! Victory on all points!

The assassination of Buckingham means that the invasion is thwarted and everyone starts heading home. Through correspondence with Aramis' mistress, the boys learn that Constance has been rescued from her captivity and has been sent to a convent to recuperate. Shortly afterwards, they learn through a chance meeting with Rochefort that Milady has gone to that same convent to lay low. Calamity! D'Artagnan rides off to the rescue, closely followed by his friends. On the way they meet up with Lord de Winter, seeking revenge for the assassination of the Duke and the presumed execution of Felton for treason. Meanwhile, Milady meets Constance and learns that she has her eye on a certain dashing young Musketeer. She starts formulating an elaborate revenge plot involving Constance as a patsy, but suddenly there are Musketeers at the gate so she simply poisons her.

In a modern novel, Constance would have been rescued. I won't lie: my sensibilities were shaken.

Milady runs off into the woods, with the Musketeers in pursuit, Athos only pausing long enough to pick up a mysterious man in red. They track Milady down to a house on the outskirts of a border town, and take her captive. The man in the red cloak is revealed as the executioner who originally had Milady branded. With the testimony of Athos, Lord de Winter, and the recently bereaved d'Artagnan, and Porthos' and Aramis' supporting testimony re: assassins and poison wine, he agrees to execute her.

The sentence is carried out on a boat in the middle of a river.

Back in Paris, d'Artagnan is called before the Cardinal to account for the mysterious disappearance of his top agent. D'Artagnan tells the story, and when the Cardinal asks his authority, he presents Milady's whatever-it-takes papers, signed by the Cardinal himself.

I see, says the Cardinal.

Richelieu thanks d'Artagnan for removing an unreliable, unpredictable and untrustworthy element from his network, and presents him with a reward: a recommendation for a lieutenancy in the Musketeers, with the name blank. D'Artagnan offers it to Athos, Porthos and Aramis in turn, but each refuses. Treville is pleased to accept him as a lieutenant, and they all live happily ever after.

Or, at least, for twenty years, because the sequel is called Twenty Years After.

For Queene and Country: The Middle-Road Adventures of the Temperate Knight

The Myth: Gloriana, the Faerie Queene! Mythic England! Magic queens! Knights! Ladies! Witches! Sorcerers! Giants! Lions! Dragons! More allegory than you could possibly imagine!
The Book: The Faerie Queene
The Author: Edmund Spenser, 1590
This text: Unclear: probably the etext of the 1903 edition, edited by George Armstrong Wauchope, but without any footnotes or editorial matter.
Price: 81 cents (Everyman Library)

Previously: The holy knight.

I confess to struggling with The Faerie Queene. Some of it is the archaic spelling and stilted meter, but mostly it's that the Elizabethan virtues are championed with such thin and transparent allegories and with such a smug manner that you really want to go out and be intemperate out of spite. 

The Legend of Sir Guyon
So anyway, Sir Guyon is Gloriana's Knight of Temperance: level-headed, virtuous and dull. He is accompanied by a Palmer, who is wise, aged and unmounted. Guyon's first adventure sees him come across Archimago and Duessa, fresh from their defeat and humiliation by the Redcrosse Knight in the earlier chapter. Duessa claims to have been outraged at the hands of a nameless knight, and demands Guyon avenge her. This quest lasts as long as it takes Guyon to learn that Redcrosse is the knight in question. Redcrosse is the Knight of Holiness; he couldn't possibly rape anyone. Quest resolved, Elizabethan justice demonstrated, on we go.

The second quest takes a bit more effort. Guyon comes across a woman bleeding dying in the woods, with a baby in her arms. The lady, Amavia, is in the process of killing herself. Her husband, Sir Mortdant, was seduced by the sorceress Acrasia, and taken to her Bower of Bliss. Amavia set off to rescue him, pausing only to give birth with the help of a local nymph. Acrasia let Mortdant go, but lay a curse on him: he would die as soon as he took a drink. That happened pretty quickly, and at that point Amavia decided to kill herself. She was almost finished when Guyon came along, and having croaked out her story, she dies.

Guyon buries the bodies, cleans the baby and vows to avenge their death. He abandons his horse to take the baby to a nearby castle, where he meets his female equivalent, Medina the Mean (in the sense of Golden). He also meets her sisters, Elissa the Austere and Pelissa the Wanton, and fights with their champions, Sir Huddibras the Big and Stupid and Sir Sansloy the Lawless, one of the Saracen brothers from the previous chapter. The fight threatens to destroy the castle, but Medina pleads for calm and, eventually, temperance reigns and everyone calms down. Guyon stays the night, commends the infant to Medina's care and then leaves the castle on his quest.

His quest involves any number of encounters:

• The knave Braggadacio who steals his horse and styles himself a knight, and is engaged by Archimago to attack Guyon.
• The monster Furor and his mother Occasion, who set upon pretty much everyone with extreme violence.
• The giant brothers Pyrochles and Cymochles, descendants of Jove and thralls to Acrasia.
• The demon Mammon, who tempts Guyon with a lot of rather unappealing wealth.
• Prince Arthur, hero of the realm, who is looking for his magic sword that was stolen by Archimago, given to Braggadacio and then to Pyrrochles.
• The Castle of Temperance, where Arthur and Guyon learn the mythic history of their peoples, British and Faerie respectively, and which they defend from the allegorical forces of Things That Are Not Temperate.
• Alma, the mistress of the Castle of Temperance.
• The demon Maleger, leader of the forces of Intemperance.

Guyon wins through all of this by sheer equanimity,  and hits the high seas, which are full of dangerous allegories,. He sees it through and makes it to the island which holds the Bower of Bliss, and it's only a few more allegories before Guyon is able to confront Acrasia in her bed (along with some random nobleman). Acrasia, of course, tries on the old wiles, but it's not very convincing. Guyon goes berserk, smashing the bed, chopping down the trees, burning the houses, and generally letting loose in a way that only the really uptight can manage.

So, with the sorceress' house smashed all to pieces and her household turned out, Guyon and the Palmer ride off into the sunset with the satisfaction of a quest well done.

--

It's harder to imagine a duller hero than Guyon, who is perfectly poised and balanced and thoughtful and careful. The end of his quest involves turfing a woman out of her own bed and smashing her place up, and this is the most passion he's shown in the whole piece.

I'm in two minds about continuing with the Faerie Queene. My completeness urge wants me to press forward, but I've found the whole thing pretty dire so far and I don't hold much hope for improvement. The next chapter concerns Britomarte, Champion of Chastity, and I'm not sure I can stomach that much Elizabethan virtue.

Blood and Poems: Viglund's Saga

The Myth: Viking Sagas! Blood! Magic! Snow! Violence! Seafaring! Vicious, vicious poetry!
The Book: Sagas of Warrior-Poets
The Author: Various bards of the thirteenth century.
This text: Paperback anthology from a 1997 translation by various scholars
Price: Well, I paid $16.95 according to the sticker. (Penguin Classics. Amazon has an etext which is slightly cheaper, and there are probably earlier translations around.)

Of the five sagas in this saga book, Viglund's is the only one that ends happily. It's also mostly fictional, unlike the others. This probably says something about truth, fiction and Vikings.

Viglund's Saga
Thorgrim is a courtier of Harald Fairhair. He is not well loved by the other courtiers, hence his disparaging nickname: Thorgrim the Elegant. He falls in love with Olof, the daughter of Earl Thorir and the most beautiful woman in Norway, and when the Earl arranges to marry her to Thorgrim's rival Ketil against her will, Thorgrim abducts her from her wedding and settles in Iceland. They have two fine sons, Viglund and Trausti, and a daughter, Helga.

The most beautiful girl in Iceland is Ketilrid. Ketilrid is much loved by her father, Holmkel, but much resented by her mother, Thorbjorg, and brothers. To protect her from their malice, Ketilrid is fostered with Thorgrim the Elegant. Viglund falls in love with her, but Ketilrid knows the genre conventions: it's impossible, she says, because things always go badly in the sagas.

Ketilrid's brothers, Einar and Jokul, are the village troublemakers. Einar takes it into his head to shame Thorgrim by seducing Olof, and the two make for Thorgrim's homestead. Olof sees this coming a mile off. Einar tries - without a lot of success - to seduce a servant disguised as Olof, until a mysterious and dangerous-looking man in black tells him that Thorgrim is returning. As the two panic and bolt, the man in black is revealed as Olof herself. She tells Thorgrim what has happened.

Jokul and Einar challenge Viglund to a horse fight. Their horse, Blackie, is a terror, but Viglund's Yellow Dun gets the better of it, and Blackie is killed. Jokul and Einar go for their weapons, and one of Viglund's men is killed. Thorgrim and Holmkel smooth things over, and Holmkel discovers the budding romance between Viglund and Ketilrid. He more-or-less approves. Thorbjorg does not.

Jokul and Einar continue to make trouble. They secretly kill Yellow Dun, and steal two of Thorgrim's most prized cattle. Local sympathy lies with Thorgrim, and when Thorbjorg starts boasting about how her sons were the ones what done it, Holmkel offers Thorgrim a large cash settlement if he does not press charges against his sons. The two remain great friends.

Meanwhile, back in Norway, Hakon of Vik seeks the hand of Ketil's daughter. Ketil agrees, on the condition that Hakon first kills Thorgrim the Elegant. Hakon travels to Iceland and makes the acquaintance of Thorbjorg, Jokul and Einar. They agree that killing Thorgrim is relevant to their interests. Jokul and Einar point out that they have a beautiful sister, who would make really quite a nice wife, or mistress. This sounds pretty great to Hokul, who wants to meet her.

Thorbjorg convinces Holmkel to call Ketilrid home. She convinces him that Hakon is a legitimate suitor, and that Ketilrid's affectionate behaviour towards Viglund risks a scandal. Ketilrid, grounded and forbidden to go to any ball games, is miserable.

The ball game in question is the Icelandic sport of knattleikur, involving a ball, bats, and frequent casual violence. The sons of Holmkel are on the opposing side to the sons of Thorgrim. Jokul and Viglund come to blows over successive days under the pretext of the game. It's not clear that Viglund's team wins, but Jokul seeks revenge for blows struck on the battle field, and lays an ambush for Viglund and his brother. Ketilrid is able to warn them, and Viglund and Trausti kill three of Holmkel's men. Jokul tells his father, neglecting the bit about the ambush and the provocation. Holmkel is angry enough to agree to marry Ketilrid to Hakon. Hakon, by this stage, has completely failed to kill Thorgrim the Elegant, and so has decided to settle in Iceland.

At another ball game, Viglund expresses his disappointment that Ketilrid has married. Holmkel, seeing his beloved daughter so miserable, begins to wonder if he has made a mistake. When his sons and Hakon go missing, he warns Viglund that they might be up to no good. On the way home he and Trausti come to the place where they were ambushed before, and take up a defensive position. There is a large battle, and Viglund and Trausti defeat many of Jokul's men, at some cost. At this point, given how few of them are left, Jokul says it's probably better if they duel: Trausti against Einar, Viglund against Hakon. Trausti and Einar fight until they both fall; Viglund kills Hakon but is wounded. At this point, Jokul starts fighting Viglund. Since he is fresh and Viglund is nearly dead, he gets the better of the exchange, until Viglund pulls a tricky manoeuvre and chops his arm off. Jokul tries to flee, and Viglund puts a spear in his back. And then he falls over. 

When Ketilrid hears of the battle, she faints. To Thorbjorg this is a sign of her illicit love for Viglund. Holmkel points out that it could be that she loves her brothers. Thorbjorg recommends that the best course of action is to take revenge on Thorgrim. Holmkel suggests that, having lost two sons each, they're pretty much even.

However, Viglund regains consciousness and drags his brother's body back home. Trausti is grievously wounded but not dead; the two spend a year in secret recovering from their wounds. Since Holmkel won't do it, Thorbjorg's father brings a suit against Thorgrim: since his sons are not actually dead when they should be, they must be outlawed.

Meanwhile, back in Norway, Ketil hears of the death of Hakon, and sends his two sons, Gunnlaug the Boisterous and Sigurd the Wise, on a mission of vengeance. However, they are shipwrecked. Thorgrim rescues them and takes them to his homestead. Gunnlaug asks Sigurd if they should fulfil their mission - on account of having the perfect opportunity - but Sigurd has vowed never to repay good with evil and recommends against it. Besides, he's fallen in love with Helga Thorgrimsdottir.

Thorgrim recommends that his outlaw sons leave the country, taking service with Gunnlaug and Sigurd. Ketilrid is distraught, and tells her father that if she were a man, she would not take vengeance against the brothers but instead would have given their money for their journey. Holmkel rides after the brothers. Trausti comments that if Viglund wanted to marry Ketilrid he should probably kill Holmkel and take her by force. Viglund says that, all things considered, he'd rather not kill Holmkel. As outlaws, they hide from him so that he isn't forced to attack them; after he has left they find that he has left them a pouch of money and a runestick saying why.

In Norway, Ketil is outraged and orders the sons of Thorgrim killed. Sigurd says that the difference between Thorgrim and Ketil is that Thorgrim rescued his enemy's sons and saved their lives, while Ketil wants to kill his enemy's sons for no reason. Sigurd and Gunnlaug stand in defence of Viglund and Trausti, and their father relents. Sigurd recommends that Gunnlaug arbitrate a settlement between Ketil and Thorgrim. The settlement sees Thorgrim being declared legally wed to Olof, Ketil getting her inheritance, Ketil's daughter Ingibjorg married to Trausti, and Sigurd married to Helga. Everyone is happy, and the four youngsters swear eternal brotherhood and go a-Viking. Viglund, who didn't get a wife out of this deal and wouldn't have liked it if he had, pines for Ketilrid.

Meanwhile, Thorbjorg is anxious to have her daughter married, and arranges a marriage with a chieftain named Thord. Thord takes his bride-to-be away with him to his own homestead. By coincidence, Viglund and Trausti have come ashore near the homestead, going under assumed names on account of being still technically outlaws. Thord takes them in, and introduces them to his young fiancee. Ketilrid recognises Viglund at once and hides herself under a veil; nevertheless, Viglund works it out eventually. Trausti becomes anxious that Viglund will dishonour their host by visibly pining for his intended, or, worse, kill him in his sleep. He tries to convince Viglund to leave before something terrible happens. He has all but succeeded, when Thord invites them to his wedding.

When the wedding guests arrive, the brothers are shocked to find Thorgrim and Olof among them, along with Helga, Sigurd, Gunnlaug and - surprise! - Holmkel. Thord then addresses them by their real names, and says that he knew all along that they were the sons of Thorgrim. Thord reveals himself as Thorgrim's brother, their uncle. He has conspired with Holmkel to trick Thorbjorg, so that he might save Ketilrid for Viglund. Viglund is married to Ketilrid, Helga is married to Sigurd, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Thanks be to the one who composed the stories and wrote them down. 

Blood and Poems: Bjorn's Saga

The Myth: Viking Sagas! Blood! Magic! Snow! Violence! Seafaring! Vicious, vicious poetry!
The Book: Sagas of Warrior-Poets
The Author:  Various bards of the thirteenth century.
This text: Paperback anthology from a 1997 translation by various scholars
Price: Well, I paid $16.95 according to the sticker. (Penguin Classics. Amazon has an etext which is slightly cheaper, and there are probably earlier translations around.)

The Saga of Bjorn, Champion of the Hitardal People

There is Thord, famous poet and well-known Jerk. There is Bjorn, impressive and well-built young Icelander. And there is Oddny Isle-Candle, most beautiful woman on all of Hjorsey island. Bjorn has been the victim of Thord's famously sharp verses; Bjorn is in love with Oddny and frequently visits her island home.

One day, Bjorn meets some Norwegian merchants, and feels the lure of the sea. He joins up with the merchants, but before he leaves, he is bethrothed to Oddny with, somewhat unusually, everyone's full agreement and consent. The betrothal is conditional: Bjorn is to return to Iceland within three years, and if he's late, too bad for him.

Bjorn travels to the court of Earl Eirek of Norway, a friend of his uncle's. When he gets there he finds that Thord has done the same thing. The Earl assumes that since they're both from Iceland they probably already know each other. Bjorn and Thord are diplomatic, praising each other's poetry and bravery. Thord proposes that they put their past behind them and become friends.

Bjorn says that he intends to make his fortune raiding. Thord tuts about this, saying that he really should be content with the Earl's favour, and go home to Oddny. Bjorn disagrees. Thord then offers to take a token to Oddny, to confirm the betrothal and reassure her that he intends to return. Against his better judgement, Bjorn gives Thord a ring, a gift from the Earl. Thord goes back to Iceland, Bjorn heads to Russia with the merchants.

Because of Bjorn's suspicion, and because he has friends everywhere, Thord delivers the message and the ring faithfully to Oddny. However, he adds a rider: that in the event of a no-show, Bjorn has assigned the betrothal over to himself, Thord.

In Russia, Bjorn befriends the King, Valdimar. However, Russia is in revolt: the king's brother Kaldimar is challenging for the throne. Valdimar offers to split the kingdom equally, but Kaldimar insists that there can be only one king. Rather than go to war, Valdimar offers to settle the matter in single combat. Kaldimar, all but invincible, agrees. Then Valdimar discovers that he can't find a single Russian to be his champion. Bjorn is offended by what he sees as inexcusable cowardice, and offers to be Valdimar's champion. Valdimar gratefully accepts. Bjorn wins, but is near fatally wounded. He is laid up in Russia for far too long.

Back in Iceland, Thord hears of Bjorn's wounding, and bribes some merchants to say that he is dead. Thord marries Oddny. Bjorn takes up as a raider, and has little wish to return to Iceland.

After some time has passed, Thord heads back to Norway to claim an inheritance. He runs afoul of Bjorn's men, and chooses to hide rather than fight. Bjorn finds him hiding in some bushes, and confronts him with his treachery and mocks him for his cowardice. He takes Thord's ship and goods and most of his clothing, and sends him on to Norway.

Norway is now under new management: the saintly King Olaf now has the throne. Thord's kin are in good with the new king, and Bjorn is a pirate. Nevertheless, impressed by the king's reputation and worried about his own, Bjorn heads to Norway. He is briefly arrested for his crimes against Norwegian trade, i.e. Thord, but when the King hears the whole story, he asks both men if he might arbitrate between them. He declares the thefts of the woman and the ship to be equal, demands that Thord compensate Bjorn for the ring and some other bride goods, and declares that to be the end of the matter and woe betide anyone who doesn't honour the settlement.

Bjorn stays with the King as a welcome guest until the next winter, and then heads back to Iceland. Oddny, meanwhile, has heard that Bjorn isn't quite as dead as she'd been led to believe, and asks her husband rather sharply for some answers. When Bjorn arrives onshore, Oddny insists that he stay at their homestead. 

For the most part, Bjorn is happy to respect King Olaf's judgement, and makes no claim on Oddny's hand. But he and she flirt, while Oddny bickers with Thord. Thord and Bjorn get into argument after argument, taunting each other. Poems are said that can't be unsaid.

"Hey, Bjorn, remember that time I stole your girlfriend and married her?"
"Hey, Thord, remember that time I stole all your goods and your ship while you cowered in the bushes?"

It is not a fun winter.

Eventually Bjorn decides to leave. His parting gift to Oddny is a cloak that he'd stolen from Thord.

Bjorn's new steading is close enough to Thord's that tensions remain high. Thord composes a satirical poem about Bjorn, and is fined for it. Thord finds a scorn-pole at his boundary and accuses Bjorn of erecting it. Bjorn hears about this and composes a poem about it. Bjorn is fined for the pole and the poem, and an uneasy peace resumes.

Thord isn't satisfied; he becomes obsessed with killing Bjorn.

Thord is visited by relatives, and he convinces them to ambush Bjorn. Bjorn's aunt is tipped off by a dream, and sends her husband to look after him. The ambush fails and the cousins are slain. They are considered to have acted illegally, and no compensation is forthcoming.

Thord convinces Thorstein, the son of a mutual friend known as Kalf the Ill-willed, that Bjorn is trying to steal their lands. Young Thorstein ambushes Bjorn while they are out herding sheep. Weaponless, Bjorn kills Thorstein with his bare hands. Although there is no legal requirement, Bjorn pays compensation to Kalf for the sake of their friendship.

The feud grows. Satirical poems are composed on both sides. Thord has Bjorn fined for harbouring outlaws; Bjorn kills some outlaws that Thord is harbouring. Bjorn notices that Thord's son Kolli looks a lot like himself; he doesn't claim paternity, but does compose an oblique poem on the subject. Thord publicly sings the praises of Bjorn's wife; Bjorn replies with the 'Isle-Candle Verses'. Thord hires outlaws to kill Bjorn; they fail, and Bjorn ties them up and sends them back to Thord. Thord ambushes Bjorn on his way home from a friend's house, but Bjorn is warned by dream and comes out slightly ahead. Thord convinces Bjorn's relative - another Thorstein - to pick a fight with him, but Thorstein is so impressed with Bjorn's hospitality that he reneges and swears to avenge Bjorn if anything should happen to him.

And so on, and so on.

Eventually, Thord gathers his sons and a party of men with grievances against Bjorn, and ambush him while he is tending his horses. Unable to draw his sword, Bjorn defends himself with the shears he is using to trim the horses' manes. Kolli's attacks are particularly ferocious, but Bjorn tells him he's better at fighting than genealogy, if you know what I mean. Kolli immediately relents and runs home to talk to his mother.

But finally, Thord and his men are victorious, and Bjorn is beheaded. He offers Bjorn's wife the neck ornament he was wearing when he died, who tells him scornfully to give it to his own wife, Oddny. When Bjorn's mother sees his head, she tells Thord to give it to Oddny, who always liked it better than his own. For her part, when Oddny hears of Bjorn's death, she is overcome with grief and never recovers; Thord is cut deeply, ashamed that killing Bjorn has cost him his wife.

Bjorn's friends and kinsmen come to sue Thord for the killing. Thord tries to con Bjorn's brother into a hasty settlement, pointing out how many of Thord's people Bjorn has killed without compensation, but Bjorn's sworn friend and blood-brother Thorstein does not accept. Thord is forced to pay massive punitive fines in order to escape outlawry, even as his cohorts are outlawed and his sons exiled.

Thord goes home, lonely, broken, and dissatisfied.

And here this narrative ends.

Next: Viglund's saga.

Blood and Poems: The Saga of Gunnlaug Serpent-Tongue

The Myth: Viking Sagas! Blood! Magic! Snow! Violence! Seafaring! Vicious, vicious poetry!
The Book: Sagas of Warrior-Poets
The Author:  Various bards of the thirteenth century.
This text: Paperback anthology from a 1997 translation by various scholars
Price: Well, I paid $16.95 according to the sticker. (Penguin Classics. Amazon has an etext which is slightly cheaper, and there are probably earlier translations around.)

The Saga of Gunnlaug Serpent-Tongue

When Helga Thorsteindottir was born, it was prophesied that she would cause the death of two men before marrying a third. Thorstein gave orders that she should be exposed, to save himself any   trouble that might result, but his wife Jofrid sent her in secret to a fostering. Many years later, Thorstein is introduced to Helga and told that she is his daughter. He repents his previous stupidity and takes her home with him.

Shortly after, two brothers are fostered with Thorstein. One is a promising chief-in-the-making called Hermund, the other is the promising if acerbic poet named Gunnlaug Serpent-Tongue. The fostering has come about because twelve-year-old Gunnlaug has asked his father Illugi for trade goods to fund an international trading expedition, and Illugi reckons he's too young and needs to learn a bit of Icelandic law.

Gunnlaug and Helga fall in love over a mutual love of board games, and also because Helga is the most beautiful woman in Iceland. Thorstein teaches Gunnlaug all about Icelandic law. Gunnlaug practices the betrothal process on Helga, to everyone's amusement, except, perhaps, Thorstein's.

Some time later, Thorstein offers Gunnlaug a horse. Gunnlaug refuses, saying that he's planning on going overseas and can't possibly take a horse, and suggests Thorstein offers him his daughter instead. Thorstein says that he considers him too young and reckless, and besides, he's going overseas and can't possibly take his wife. There are some complicated negotiations, and it is agreed that Gunnlaug will be allowed to marry Helga if he returns from his overseas jaunt within three years.

Gunnlaug's overseas jaunt starts badly when he insults the Earl of Norway. However, he soon finds favour with King Ethelred of England, and takes service with him as warrior and poet. When Gunnlaug runs afoul of the thug and bandit Thororm, King Ethelred presents him with a sword to duel him with. Thororm has a charm that lets him blunt any weapon he looks at; therefore Ethelred recommends Gunnlaug show him a different sword before the duel. Gunnlaug does so, and wins great favour in England by slaying Thororm.

Gunnlaug travels a bit here and there, befriending the kings of Ireland and Sweden. In the Swedish court he meets Hrafn Onundson, who hails from the same part of Iceland as he does. The two get on pretty well, until Gunnlaug insults Hrafn's poetry before the king. Hrafn says that this will not stand. Hrafn returns home to Iceland, and Gunnlaug goes back to England.

Gunnlaug is coming to the end of his three years, but England is threatened by Canute of Denmark. King Ethelred doesn't let him go. When another summer passes without a Danish invasion, the king relents, and Gunnlaug hightails it back to Iceland. On the way back, he meets Hallfred Troublesome-Poet, who tells him that Hrafn intends to seek Helga's hand. Gunnlaug heads back to Iceland, but is too late: Helga is married to Hrafn.

Illugi and Hermund tell Gunnlaug that there are plenty more fish in the cold northern seas, but Gunnlaug will have none of it. He spends as much time as he can with Helga, giving her gifts. Helga has no love at all for Hrafn, and Hrafn blames Gunnlaug. At the Althing, they bicker, and Gunnlaug challenges Hrafn to a duel. Hrafn hits Gunnlaug's shield so hard that his sword breaks, scratching Gunnlaug's cheek as it shatters. Gunnlaug claims a technical victory because Hrafn is disarmed; Hrafn claims the same because Gunnlaug is wounded. Neither is satisfied, but the Althing votes to outlaw duelling, so that was the last duel ever fought in Iceland.

But not the last fought in Norway: Hrafn and Gunnlaug agree to continue the duel overseas. Gunnlaug chops of Hrafn's leg, but Hrafn doesn't yield. Gunnlaug says he won't duel with someone who can't actually stand up. Hrafn says he'll be alright, if he can just have a drink of water. Gunnlaug agrees to fetch him water in his helmet. Hrafn stabs him in the head.

They fight longer, and Gunnlaug gets a technical victory in that Hrafn dies first, but neither survives the duel.

News reaches Illugi and Hermund, and they kill and maim a couple of Hrafn's kinsmen in vengeance for Gunnlaug. Helga is married to someone else, but never quite gets over her first love. She eventually dies of grief, and also plague.

And this is the end of the saga.

Next: Bjorn's Saga.