All for One: The Three Musketeers

The Myth: Intrigue! Adventure! Swordplay! Gunplay! All for one and one for all!
The Book: The Three Musketeers
The Author: Alexandre Dumas (1844)
This text: 2013 translation by Will Hobson
Price: $14.99 (Vintage - Gutenberg has a free version which is probably the William Barrow translation, from ca. 1846)

So I enjoyed this one a lot. It's a much more modern novel than the other things I've been reading, historically-based but mostly fictional. There's a lot of fun in Dumas' writing and, especially, his characters - some of which were a complete surprise to me.

The Three Musketeers


The novel follows young adventurer d'Artagnan for the first half and young villainess Milady de Winter for the second. When d'Artagnan heads off to Paris to seek his fortune his dad gives him some advice, which is to fight everyone he can, because fighting his awesome.

'Wait, isn't duelling illegal?'
'That makes it twice as awesome!'

D'Artagnan follows this advice pretty well, managing to get into an inconclusive tussle before he ever makes it to Paris, with a stranger who insults his horse. This is Count Rochefort, one of the Cardinal's minions, but we don't find that out for quite a while.

I honestly expected Rochefort to be more of a foil to d'Artagnan, but he really only turns up occasionally to move the plot along. Apparently he's more important in the sequel, though the epilogue has he and d'Artagnan becoming great friends.

It is d'Artagnan's lifelong ambition to join the Musketeers, so the first thing he does is front up at the house of Monsieur Treville, Captain Awesome of the Musketeers. Treville is a consummate politician as well as a dashing swordsman, and represents everything a young Gascon should aspire to.

Treville is never less than awesome wherever he turns up - he's canny, he's witty, he's manipulative. He's supportive of his men, loyal to the king and vexing to the Cardinal. Dumas' introductory description:

'...despite the swingeing swordplay that gives a soldier his stiff-hipped gait, and the endless, gruelling drills, he had become one of the most feted socialites, one of the most discriminating ladies' men, and one of the most honeyed and most delicate wordspinners of his age. ... Thus the captain of the musketeers was admired, feared and loved, which constitutes the apogee of human fortune.'

Alas, d'Artagnan's aspirations must wait a little longer: he must distinguish himself by service or valour before he can join the Musketeers.

The next thing he does is follow his dad's advice some more, and rapidly insults three musketeers in quick succession - Athos, Porthos and Aramis - and each challenges him to a duel. These three are great friends and inseparable companions, so when d'Artagnan fronts up to his twelve o'clock, he's a bit surprised to find his one o'clock and two o'clock there with him. He offers a quick apology to Porthos and Aramis: since Athos is most likely to kill him, he regrets that he may miss his later appointments.

Happily, the duel is interrupted by the arrival of the Cardinal's guard, who want to arrest them for duelling but are actually happy to simply fight them for rivalry reasons. D'Artagnan instinctively joins on the side of the Musketeers, and acquits himself so well that the three Musketeers forgive him his insults and take him into their brotherhood. When the Musketeers are hauled before the King to explain why they've killed and injured several members of the Cardinal's guard, Treville spins it in a way that was absolutely about the honour of the King and the Musketeers. He makes d'Artagnan the hero of the hour, and the King ends up rewarding him with a purse of monies and a commission in the King's Guards under Treville's brother-in-law.

'Hey, Athos, Porthos, Aramis: I've been given some money by the king. How should I invest it?'
'Big dinner. Lots of wine."
'You need a valet, or you'll look like a poor person.'
'What you really need is a mistress!'
'Right you all are!'

One of my absolute favourite sequences in the book is in Chapter VII: The Musketeers at Home. The chapter provides character sketches of each of the Musketeers: dour, silent Athos, who only speaks when he has information of great moment to impart; the extravagant peacock Porthos, who makes a big show of living large with no visible means of support; and sneaky bugger Aramis, who pretends to be a pious priest-in-waiting while covertly intriguing on behalf of his lover, who is intriguing on behalf of the queen.

The chapter also introduces the Musketeers' valets - Grimaud, who Athos has trained to remain silent and respond to eyebrow gestures; Mousqueton, who happily serves the magnanimous Porthos for board and clothing, as long as he gets two hours a day to do actual paid work; and Bizan, a saintly man who intends to follow Aramis into holy orders, any day now. Porthos recruits a valet for d'Artagnan: the stout Planchet, who serves loyally and faithfully after an instructive beating early in their relationship.

D'Artagnan, with his newfound friends, soon finds himself embroiled in Intrigue. This initially manifests as a request from his landlord, Monsieur Bonacieux, to rescue his wife from kidnappers. It turns out that Madame Bonacieux has been kidnapped by agents of the Cardinal, because she was involved in a plot to smuggle the Queen's lover into Paris for a quick ... well, nothing more than a quick chat. Before long, Athos is arrested on suspicion of being d'Artagnan, the Duke of Buckingham has left Paris in possession of two of the Queen's diamonds, Monsieur Bonacieux had become a paid informant to the Cardinal,  d'Artagnan is madly in love with his landlord's wife, and is also possession of said Cardinal's said payoff to said landlord.

Constance Bonacieux is a vaguely frustrating character: she's quick-witted, spirited and flirty, and she's offstage for almost all of the book. D'Artagnan is thus motivated by love for someone he's spent twelve and a half minutes interacting with. Although, to be fair, Constance is likewise motivated, recommending d'Artagnan to the Queen for intrigue-related services, and, when we eventually get to see her again at the end of the book, pining for him. 

The uber-plot is probably worth mentioning at this point. The Duke of Buckingham, effective ruler of England, is in love with the Queen of France, Anne of Austria. Cardinal de Richelieu, effective ruler of France, is likewise in love with the Queen of France. The Queen of France is, however, married to the King of France, who is not particularly in love with her. The Queen of France is in love with the Duke of Buckingham, but unwilling to commit because of the damage it will do to France. She is certainly not in love with Cardinal de Richelieu. The Cardinal, having lost Anne of Austria to the King of France, isn't prepared to lose her again to the Duke of Buckingham, and seeks to (a) defeat him in battle or (b) have him assassinated, and if in either course he is able to weaken the King and take over France, so much the better. The King of France doesn't want to lose face by losing either his wife or chunks of France, but is otherwise fairly indifferent.

I found it interesting that the Cardinal of the novel is far more duke than priest, and not actually all that evil. I mean, he's a scheming villain and all, but he's a patriot and a tactician, and he treats the boys with respect when he comes across them. His attitude towards d'Artagnan - and to the other Musketeers - is largely that he wants them working for him.  He's the King's rival more than his enemy.

Anyway, all of this means that when the Duke of Buckingham leaves France with two of the Queen's diamonds from a set of twelve, it's of vital importance to the Cardinal to get them back to humiliate the Queen and weaken the King, and it's of vital importance to the Queen to get them back so as not to be humiliated. Milady de Winter is the Cardinal's minion for the task. Treville tasks the Musketeers with stopping her, and d'Artagnan is in charge.

'You need any cash?'
'Nah, just stole a bag of the Cardinal's gold from my landlord.'
'Right-o.'

Athos, Porthos and Aramis are picked off one by one by the Cardinal's minions and assorted passersby, but d'Artagnan makes it to England in time to alert the Duke. Milady has already stolen the diamonds, but the Duke imprisons an Irish artisan to make replacements. D'Artagnan hurries back to Paris and arrives just in time for the Queen to wear the full set of diamonds. Face is saved! The Cardinal is vexed! Victory on all points! D'Artagnan is rewarded with the sight of his beloved, a ring from the Queen and the promise of a commission in the Musketeers (which he doesn't actually take up until several chapters later, after Milady's captivity sequence).

D'Artagnan then follows up on what happened to his comrades. Porthos is holed up in an inn with a bullet wound, with the innkeeper starting to ask serious questions about the bill. His usual source of income - his mistress, a prosecutor's wife - has dried up in a fit of jealousy. Aramis is arguing theology with a Jesuit and a priest, in preparation for finally joining the priesthood. This is less to do with his religious feeling and more that he's missed a message from his mistress and thinks she's abandoned him. Athos is holed up in a tavern cellar, drinking all the wine and eating all the ham, and shooting at anyone who tries to get him out, or who tries to take out any wine or ham. They're all more or less content to continue slouching, philosophising and drinking indefinitely, but d'Artagnan rounds them up, sorts them out and brings them home. However, in his cups, Athos does fill him in on his backstory - there was this girl... It's a sad, sad story of love and betrayal, and ends with Athos putting his wife in a noose. She deserved it, he says, and that's why Athos never has a mistress and is so grumpy all the time.

At this point the plot would probably grind to a halt, if d'Artagnan had enough of a sense of self-preservation to avoid poking the hornet's nest that is Milady de Winter. Ostensibly, he does this because she's his only lead to finding Constance, who's been kidnapped again. By impersonating Milady's lover in the dark, and by shameless abusing her maid's trust (and her maid), d'Artagnan aggressively gets himself seduced, and steals one of her rings. He shows it to Athos, who says that it appears to be one of his own rings, that went missing about the time that he murdered his wife.

D'Artagnan returns to confront Milady, and exposes her shoulder in the tussle - she's a branded criminal! Just like Athos' late wife! Revelation!

Meanwhile, the Musketeers have been called up for war, because England is invading. This means they need to outfit themselves, which means having to find a lot of money in a hurry. Porthos and Aramis wheedle some out of their mistresses - though Aramis claims to have sold some poems - and Athos, having decided to do nothing and trust in fate, finds himself in possession of one of his old rings via d'Artagnan. All is well, and they ship out to La Rochelle.

England is invading, incidentally, because the Duke of Buckingham wants to rescue Anne of Austria from her marriage. He doesn't intend to conquer France; he just hopes that the Queen will form part of the settlement package at the peace talks.

Assassins disguised as soldiers attempt to assassinate d'Artagnan on a reconnaissance mission. He kills one and wins over the other with a promise not to kill him. Then a crate of poison wine turns up purporting to be from Athos, Porthos and Aramis. Only the timely arrival of the musketeers and the untimely death of his new assassin-friend save d'Artagnan from a fate exactly the same as death. Athos says he's pretty sure the assassins and the wine came from Milady, and d'Artagnan allows that she may actually be completely batshit evil after all.

On the way home from a late night at the pub - warfare being a fairly relaxed affair except for the actual shooting - the Musketeers come across the Cardinal. Because he's intriguing and doesn't want them telling anyone, the Cardinal co-opts them as guards and has them take him to another pub. He's meeting with Milady in an upstairs room. The boys overhear her mission: go to England and assassinate Buckingham. After the Cardinal has left, Athos goes up to confront Milady, and takes the this-person-has-my-complete-authority-to-do-whatever-it-takes-for-France papers the Cardinal had given her.

Now: the Cardinal is the military mastermind defending France from an English invasion and he's sending his top agent on a mission to neutralise the enemy general. I'm not entirely sure why the King's Musketeers take it into their heads to thwart this particular plot, particularly since neither the King's nor the Queen's honour is at stake. It seems to be simply on general principles: if the Cardinal and Milady are involved, it's pretty much automatically evil. So they consult with d'Artagnan - arranging a private discussion under enemy fire in a disputed bastion, so they're not overheard - and decide to send Planchet to England to warn the Duke via Milady's brother-in-law, who d'Artagnan happened to meet in a duel earlier.

The plucky valet achieves his mission, getting to Lord de Winter before Milady is able to come ashore. His Lordship has her picked up and imprisoned in his castle. He has a grudge: Milady seduced, married, and quite probably murdered his younger brother.

We spend quite a bit of time with Milady from here on out, as she slowly seduces and corrupts her brother-in-law's incorruptible Puritan lieutenant, Felton. Lord de Winter has set up the perfect prison: Milady is not to talk to anyone, especially anyone who might conceivably be seduced. But in a very long and really rather intense sequence, Milady manages it: Felton goes from Milord's stoic and loyal lieutenant to Milady's fervent defender. He busts Milady out of the castle and puts her aboard a ship. Then he goes off to assassinate Buckingham, having been absolutely convinced that he's the kind of monster that ruins young women and gets his mates to imprison them in castles. He realises his error too late - when he sets off to rendezvous with Milady's ship, she's already buggered off to France. Duke assassinated! Self free! Victory on all points!

The assassination of Buckingham means that the invasion is thwarted and everyone starts heading home. Through correspondence with Aramis' mistress, the boys learn that Constance has been rescued from her captivity and has been sent to a convent to recuperate. Shortly afterwards, they learn through a chance meeting with Rochefort that Milady has gone to that same convent to lay low. Calamity! D'Artagnan rides off to the rescue, closely followed by his friends. On the way they meet up with Lord de Winter, seeking revenge for the assassination of the Duke and the presumed execution of Felton for treason. Meanwhile, Milady meets Constance and learns that she has her eye on a certain dashing young Musketeer. She starts formulating an elaborate revenge plot involving Constance as a patsy, but suddenly there are Musketeers at the gate so she simply poisons her.

In a modern novel, Constance would have been rescued. I won't lie: my sensibilities were shaken.

Milady runs off into the woods, with the Musketeers in pursuit, Athos only pausing long enough to pick up a mysterious man in red. They track Milady down to a house on the outskirts of a border town, and take her captive. The man in the red cloak is revealed as the executioner who originally had Milady branded. With the testimony of Athos, Lord de Winter, and the recently bereaved d'Artagnan, and Porthos' and Aramis' supporting testimony re: assassins and poison wine, he agrees to execute her.

The sentence is carried out on a boat in the middle of a river.

Back in Paris, d'Artagnan is called before the Cardinal to account for the mysterious disappearance of his top agent. D'Artagnan tells the story, and when the Cardinal asks his authority, he presents Milady's whatever-it-takes papers, signed by the Cardinal himself.

I see, says the Cardinal.

Richelieu thanks d'Artagnan for removing an unreliable, unpredictable and untrustworthy element from his network, and presents him with a reward: a recommendation for a lieutenancy in the Musketeers, with the name blank. D'Artagnan offers it to Athos, Porthos and Aramis in turn, but each refuses. Treville is pleased to accept him as a lieutenant, and they all live happily ever after.

Or, at least, for twenty years, because the sequel is called Twenty Years After.

For Queene and Country: The Middle-Road Adventures of the Temperate Knight

The Myth: Gloriana, the Faerie Queene! Mythic England! Magic queens! Knights! Ladies! Witches! Sorcerers! Giants! Lions! Dragons! More allegory than you could possibly imagine!
The Book: The Faerie Queene
The Author: Edmund Spenser, 1590
This text: Unclear: probably the etext of the 1903 edition, edited by George Armstrong Wauchope, but without any footnotes or editorial matter.
Price: 81 cents (Everyman Library)

Previously: The holy knight.

I confess to struggling with The Faerie Queene. Some of it is the archaic spelling and stilted meter, but mostly it's that the Elizabethan virtues are championed with such thin and transparent allegories and with such a smug manner that you really want to go out and be intemperate out of spite. 

The Legend of Sir Guyon
So anyway, Sir Guyon is Gloriana's Knight of Temperance: level-headed, virtuous and dull. He is accompanied by a Palmer, who is wise, aged and unmounted. Guyon's first adventure sees him come across Archimago and Duessa, fresh from their defeat and humiliation by the Redcrosse Knight in the earlier chapter. Duessa claims to have been outraged at the hands of a nameless knight, and demands Guyon avenge her. This quest lasts as long as it takes Guyon to learn that Redcrosse is the knight in question. Redcrosse is the Knight of Holiness; he couldn't possibly rape anyone. Quest resolved, Elizabethan justice demonstrated, on we go.

The second quest takes a bit more effort. Guyon comes across a woman bleeding dying in the woods, with a baby in her arms. The lady, Amavia, is in the process of killing herself. Her husband, Sir Mortdant, was seduced by the sorceress Acrasia, and taken to her Bower of Bliss. Amavia set off to rescue him, pausing only to give birth with the help of a local nymph. Acrasia let Mortdant go, but lay a curse on him: he would die as soon as he took a drink. That happened pretty quickly, and at that point Amavia decided to kill herself. She was almost finished when Guyon came along, and having croaked out her story, she dies.

Guyon buries the bodies, cleans the baby and vows to avenge their death. He abandons his horse to take the baby to a nearby castle, where he meets his female equivalent, Medina the Mean (in the sense of Golden). He also meets her sisters, Elissa the Austere and Pelissa the Wanton, and fights with their champions, Sir Huddibras the Big and Stupid and Sir Sansloy the Lawless, one of the Saracen brothers from the previous chapter. The fight threatens to destroy the castle, but Medina pleads for calm and, eventually, temperance reigns and everyone calms down. Guyon stays the night, commends the infant to Medina's care and then leaves the castle on his quest.

His quest involves any number of encounters:

• The knave Braggadacio who steals his horse and styles himself a knight, and is engaged by Archimago to attack Guyon.
• The monster Furor and his mother Occasion, who set upon pretty much everyone with extreme violence.
• The giant brothers Pyrochles and Cymochles, descendants of Jove and thralls to Acrasia.
• The demon Mammon, who tempts Guyon with a lot of rather unappealing wealth.
• Prince Arthur, hero of the realm, who is looking for his magic sword that was stolen by Archimago, given to Braggadacio and then to Pyrrochles.
• The Castle of Temperance, where Arthur and Guyon learn the mythic history of their peoples, British and Faerie respectively, and which they defend from the allegorical forces of Things That Are Not Temperate.
• Alma, the mistress of the Castle of Temperance.
• The demon Maleger, leader of the forces of Intemperance.

Guyon wins through all of this by sheer equanimity,  and hits the high seas, which are full of dangerous allegories,. He sees it through and makes it to the island which holds the Bower of Bliss, and it's only a few more allegories before Guyon is able to confront Acrasia in her bed (along with some random nobleman). Acrasia, of course, tries on the old wiles, but it's not very convincing. Guyon goes berserk, smashing the bed, chopping down the trees, burning the houses, and generally letting loose in a way that only the really uptight can manage.

So, with the sorceress' house smashed all to pieces and her household turned out, Guyon and the Palmer ride off into the sunset with the satisfaction of a quest well done.

--

It's harder to imagine a duller hero than Guyon, who is perfectly poised and balanced and thoughtful and careful. The end of his quest involves turfing a woman out of her own bed and smashing her place up, and this is the most passion he's shown in the whole piece.

I'm in two minds about continuing with the Faerie Queene. My completeness urge wants me to press forward, but I've found the whole thing pretty dire so far and I don't hold much hope for improvement. The next chapter concerns Britomarte, Champion of Chastity, and I'm not sure I can stomach that much Elizabethan virtue.

Blood and Poems: Viglund's Saga

The Myth: Viking Sagas! Blood! Magic! Snow! Violence! Seafaring! Vicious, vicious poetry!
The Book: Sagas of Warrior-Poets
The Author: Various bards of the thirteenth century.
This text: Paperback anthology from a 1997 translation by various scholars
Price: Well, I paid $16.95 according to the sticker. (Penguin Classics. Amazon has an etext which is slightly cheaper, and there are probably earlier translations around.)

Of the five sagas in this saga book, Viglund's is the only one that ends happily. It's also mostly fictional, unlike the others. This probably says something about truth, fiction and Vikings.

Viglund's Saga
Thorgrim is a courtier of Harald Fairhair. He is not well loved by the other courtiers, hence his disparaging nickname: Thorgrim the Elegant. He falls in love with Olof, the daughter of Earl Thorir and the most beautiful woman in Norway, and when the Earl arranges to marry her to Thorgrim's rival Ketil against her will, Thorgrim abducts her from her wedding and settles in Iceland. They have two fine sons, Viglund and Trausti, and a daughter, Helga.

The most beautiful girl in Iceland is Ketilrid. Ketilrid is much loved by her father, Holmkel, but much resented by her mother, Thorbjorg, and brothers. To protect her from their malice, Ketilrid is fostered with Thorgrim the Elegant. Viglund falls in love with her, but Ketilrid knows the genre conventions: it's impossible, she says, because things always go badly in the sagas.

Ketilrid's brothers, Einar and Jokul, are the village troublemakers. Einar takes it into his head to shame Thorgrim by seducing Olof, and the two make for Thorgrim's homestead. Olof sees this coming a mile off. Einar tries - without a lot of success - to seduce a servant disguised as Olof, until a mysterious and dangerous-looking man in black tells him that Thorgrim is returning. As the two panic and bolt, the man in black is revealed as Olof herself. She tells Thorgrim what has happened.

Jokul and Einar challenge Viglund to a horse fight. Their horse, Blackie, is a terror, but Viglund's Yellow Dun gets the better of it, and Blackie is killed. Jokul and Einar go for their weapons, and one of Viglund's men is killed. Thorgrim and Holmkel smooth things over, and Holmkel discovers the budding romance between Viglund and Ketilrid. He more-or-less approves. Thorbjorg does not.

Jokul and Einar continue to make trouble. They secretly kill Yellow Dun, and steal two of Thorgrim's most prized cattle. Local sympathy lies with Thorgrim, and when Thorbjorg starts boasting about how her sons were the ones what done it, Holmkel offers Thorgrim a large cash settlement if he does not press charges against his sons. The two remain great friends.

Meanwhile, back in Norway, Hakon of Vik seeks the hand of Ketil's daughter. Ketil agrees, on the condition that Hakon first kills Thorgrim the Elegant. Hakon travels to Iceland and makes the acquaintance of Thorbjorg, Jokul and Einar. They agree that killing Thorgrim is relevant to their interests. Jokul and Einar point out that they have a beautiful sister, who would make really quite a nice wife, or mistress. This sounds pretty great to Hokul, who wants to meet her.

Thorbjorg convinces Holmkel to call Ketilrid home. She convinces him that Hakon is a legitimate suitor, and that Ketilrid's affectionate behaviour towards Viglund risks a scandal. Ketilrid, grounded and forbidden to go to any ball games, is miserable.

The ball game in question is the Icelandic sport of knattleikur, involving a ball, bats, and frequent casual violence. The sons of Holmkel are on the opposing side to the sons of Thorgrim. Jokul and Viglund come to blows over successive days under the pretext of the game. It's not clear that Viglund's team wins, but Jokul seeks revenge for blows struck on the battle field, and lays an ambush for Viglund and his brother. Ketilrid is able to warn them, and Viglund and Trausti kill three of Holmkel's men. Jokul tells his father, neglecting the bit about the ambush and the provocation. Holmkel is angry enough to agree to marry Ketilrid to Hakon. Hakon, by this stage, has completely failed to kill Thorgrim the Elegant, and so has decided to settle in Iceland.

At another ball game, Viglund expresses his disappointment that Ketilrid has married. Holmkel, seeing his beloved daughter so miserable, begins to wonder if he has made a mistake. When his sons and Hakon go missing, he warns Viglund that they might be up to no good. On the way home he and Trausti come to the place where they were ambushed before, and take up a defensive position. There is a large battle, and Viglund and Trausti defeat many of Jokul's men, at some cost. At this point, given how few of them are left, Jokul says it's probably better if they duel: Trausti against Einar, Viglund against Hakon. Trausti and Einar fight until they both fall; Viglund kills Hakon but is wounded. At this point, Jokul starts fighting Viglund. Since he is fresh and Viglund is nearly dead, he gets the better of the exchange, until Viglund pulls a tricky manoeuvre and chops his arm off. Jokul tries to flee, and Viglund puts a spear in his back. And then he falls over. 

When Ketilrid hears of the battle, she faints. To Thorbjorg this is a sign of her illicit love for Viglund. Holmkel points out that it could be that she loves her brothers. Thorbjorg recommends that the best course of action is to take revenge on Thorgrim. Holmkel suggests that, having lost two sons each, they're pretty much even.

However, Viglund regains consciousness and drags his brother's body back home. Trausti is grievously wounded but not dead; the two spend a year in secret recovering from their wounds. Since Holmkel won't do it, Thorbjorg's father brings a suit against Thorgrim: since his sons are not actually dead when they should be, they must be outlawed.

Meanwhile, back in Norway, Ketil hears of the death of Hakon, and sends his two sons, Gunnlaug the Boisterous and Sigurd the Wise, on a mission of vengeance. However, they are shipwrecked. Thorgrim rescues them and takes them to his homestead. Gunnlaug asks Sigurd if they should fulfil their mission - on account of having the perfect opportunity - but Sigurd has vowed never to repay good with evil and recommends against it. Besides, he's fallen in love with Helga Thorgrimsdottir.

Thorgrim recommends that his outlaw sons leave the country, taking service with Gunnlaug and Sigurd. Ketilrid is distraught, and tells her father that if she were a man, she would not take vengeance against the brothers but instead would have given their money for their journey. Holmkel rides after the brothers. Trausti comments that if Viglund wanted to marry Ketilrid he should probably kill Holmkel and take her by force. Viglund says that, all things considered, he'd rather not kill Holmkel. As outlaws, they hide from him so that he isn't forced to attack them; after he has left they find that he has left them a pouch of money and a runestick saying why.

In Norway, Ketil is outraged and orders the sons of Thorgrim killed. Sigurd says that the difference between Thorgrim and Ketil is that Thorgrim rescued his enemy's sons and saved their lives, while Ketil wants to kill his enemy's sons for no reason. Sigurd and Gunnlaug stand in defence of Viglund and Trausti, and their father relents. Sigurd recommends that Gunnlaug arbitrate a settlement between Ketil and Thorgrim. The settlement sees Thorgrim being declared legally wed to Olof, Ketil getting her inheritance, Ketil's daughter Ingibjorg married to Trausti, and Sigurd married to Helga. Everyone is happy, and the four youngsters swear eternal brotherhood and go a-Viking. Viglund, who didn't get a wife out of this deal and wouldn't have liked it if he had, pines for Ketilrid.

Meanwhile, Thorbjorg is anxious to have her daughter married, and arranges a marriage with a chieftain named Thord. Thord takes his bride-to-be away with him to his own homestead. By coincidence, Viglund and Trausti have come ashore near the homestead, going under assumed names on account of being still technically outlaws. Thord takes them in, and introduces them to his young fiancee. Ketilrid recognises Viglund at once and hides herself under a veil; nevertheless, Viglund works it out eventually. Trausti becomes anxious that Viglund will dishonour their host by visibly pining for his intended, or, worse, kill him in his sleep. He tries to convince Viglund to leave before something terrible happens. He has all but succeeded, when Thord invites them to his wedding.

When the wedding guests arrive, the brothers are shocked to find Thorgrim and Olof among them, along with Helga, Sigurd, Gunnlaug and - surprise! - Holmkel. Thord then addresses them by their real names, and says that he knew all along that they were the sons of Thorgrim. Thord reveals himself as Thorgrim's brother, their uncle. He has conspired with Holmkel to trick Thorbjorg, so that he might save Ketilrid for Viglund. Viglund is married to Ketilrid, Helga is married to Sigurd, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Thanks be to the one who composed the stories and wrote them down. 

Blood and Poems: Bjorn's Saga

The Myth: Viking Sagas! Blood! Magic! Snow! Violence! Seafaring! Vicious, vicious poetry!
The Book: Sagas of Warrior-Poets
The Author:  Various bards of the thirteenth century.
This text: Paperback anthology from a 1997 translation by various scholars
Price: Well, I paid $16.95 according to the sticker. (Penguin Classics. Amazon has an etext which is slightly cheaper, and there are probably earlier translations around.)

The Saga of Bjorn, Champion of the Hitardal People

There is Thord, famous poet and well-known Jerk. There is Bjorn, impressive and well-built young Icelander. And there is Oddny Isle-Candle, most beautiful woman on all of Hjorsey island. Bjorn has been the victim of Thord's famously sharp verses; Bjorn is in love with Oddny and frequently visits her island home.

One day, Bjorn meets some Norwegian merchants, and feels the lure of the sea. He joins up with the merchants, but before he leaves, he is bethrothed to Oddny with, somewhat unusually, everyone's full agreement and consent. The betrothal is conditional: Bjorn is to return to Iceland within three years, and if he's late, too bad for him.

Bjorn travels to the court of Earl Eirek of Norway, a friend of his uncle's. When he gets there he finds that Thord has done the same thing. The Earl assumes that since they're both from Iceland they probably already know each other. Bjorn and Thord are diplomatic, praising each other's poetry and bravery. Thord proposes that they put their past behind them and become friends.

Bjorn says that he intends to make his fortune raiding. Thord tuts about this, saying that he really should be content with the Earl's favour, and go home to Oddny. Bjorn disagrees. Thord then offers to take a token to Oddny, to confirm the betrothal and reassure her that he intends to return. Against his better judgement, Bjorn gives Thord a ring, a gift from the Earl. Thord goes back to Iceland, Bjorn heads to Russia with the merchants.

Because of Bjorn's suspicion, and because he has friends everywhere, Thord delivers the message and the ring faithfully to Oddny. However, he adds a rider: that in the event of a no-show, Bjorn has assigned the betrothal over to himself, Thord.

In Russia, Bjorn befriends the King, Valdimar. However, Russia is in revolt: the king's brother Kaldimar is challenging for the throne. Valdimar offers to split the kingdom equally, but Kaldimar insists that there can be only one king. Rather than go to war, Valdimar offers to settle the matter in single combat. Kaldimar, all but invincible, agrees. Then Valdimar discovers that he can't find a single Russian to be his champion. Bjorn is offended by what he sees as inexcusable cowardice, and offers to be Valdimar's champion. Valdimar gratefully accepts. Bjorn wins, but is near fatally wounded. He is laid up in Russia for far too long.

Back in Iceland, Thord hears of Bjorn's wounding, and bribes some merchants to say that he is dead. Thord marries Oddny. Bjorn takes up as a raider, and has little wish to return to Iceland.

After some time has passed, Thord heads back to Norway to claim an inheritance. He runs afoul of Bjorn's men, and chooses to hide rather than fight. Bjorn finds him hiding in some bushes, and confronts him with his treachery and mocks him for his cowardice. He takes Thord's ship and goods and most of his clothing, and sends him on to Norway.

Norway is now under new management: the saintly King Olaf now has the throne. Thord's kin are in good with the new king, and Bjorn is a pirate. Nevertheless, impressed by the king's reputation and worried about his own, Bjorn heads to Norway. He is briefly arrested for his crimes against Norwegian trade, i.e. Thord, but when the King hears the whole story, he asks both men if he might arbitrate between them. He declares the thefts of the woman and the ship to be equal, demands that Thord compensate Bjorn for the ring and some other bride goods, and declares that to be the end of the matter and woe betide anyone who doesn't honour the settlement.

Bjorn stays with the King as a welcome guest until the next winter, and then heads back to Iceland. Oddny, meanwhile, has heard that Bjorn isn't quite as dead as she'd been led to believe, and asks her husband rather sharply for some answers. When Bjorn arrives onshore, Oddny insists that he stay at their homestead. 

For the most part, Bjorn is happy to respect King Olaf's judgement, and makes no claim on Oddny's hand. But he and she flirt, while Oddny bickers with Thord. Thord and Bjorn get into argument after argument, taunting each other. Poems are said that can't be unsaid.

"Hey, Bjorn, remember that time I stole your girlfriend and married her?"
"Hey, Thord, remember that time I stole all your goods and your ship while you cowered in the bushes?"

It is not a fun winter.

Eventually Bjorn decides to leave. His parting gift to Oddny is a cloak that he'd stolen from Thord.

Bjorn's new steading is close enough to Thord's that tensions remain high. Thord composes a satirical poem about Bjorn, and is fined for it. Thord finds a scorn-pole at his boundary and accuses Bjorn of erecting it. Bjorn hears about this and composes a poem about it. Bjorn is fined for the pole and the poem, and an uneasy peace resumes.

Thord isn't satisfied; he becomes obsessed with killing Bjorn.

Thord is visited by relatives, and he convinces them to ambush Bjorn. Bjorn's aunt is tipped off by a dream, and sends her husband to look after him. The ambush fails and the cousins are slain. They are considered to have acted illegally, and no compensation is forthcoming.

Thord convinces Thorstein, the son of a mutual friend known as Kalf the Ill-willed, that Bjorn is trying to steal their lands. Young Thorstein ambushes Bjorn while they are out herding sheep. Weaponless, Bjorn kills Thorstein with his bare hands. Although there is no legal requirement, Bjorn pays compensation to Kalf for the sake of their friendship.

The feud grows. Satirical poems are composed on both sides. Thord has Bjorn fined for harbouring outlaws; Bjorn kills some outlaws that Thord is harbouring. Bjorn notices that Thord's son Kolli looks a lot like himself; he doesn't claim paternity, but does compose an oblique poem on the subject. Thord publicly sings the praises of Bjorn's wife; Bjorn replies with the 'Isle-Candle Verses'. Thord hires outlaws to kill Bjorn; they fail, and Bjorn ties them up and sends them back to Thord. Thord ambushes Bjorn on his way home from a friend's house, but Bjorn is warned by dream and comes out slightly ahead. Thord convinces Bjorn's relative - another Thorstein - to pick a fight with him, but Thorstein is so impressed with Bjorn's hospitality that he reneges and swears to avenge Bjorn if anything should happen to him.

And so on, and so on.

Eventually, Thord gathers his sons and a party of men with grievances against Bjorn, and ambush him while he is tending his horses. Unable to draw his sword, Bjorn defends himself with the shears he is using to trim the horses' manes. Kolli's attacks are particularly ferocious, but Bjorn tells him he's better at fighting than genealogy, if you know what I mean. Kolli immediately relents and runs home to talk to his mother.

But finally, Thord and his men are victorious, and Bjorn is beheaded. He offers Bjorn's wife the neck ornament he was wearing when he died, who tells him scornfully to give it to his own wife, Oddny. When Bjorn's mother sees his head, she tells Thord to give it to Oddny, who always liked it better than his own. For her part, when Oddny hears of Bjorn's death, she is overcome with grief and never recovers; Thord is cut deeply, ashamed that killing Bjorn has cost him his wife.

Bjorn's friends and kinsmen come to sue Thord for the killing. Thord tries to con Bjorn's brother into a hasty settlement, pointing out how many of Thord's people Bjorn has killed without compensation, but Bjorn's sworn friend and blood-brother Thorstein does not accept. Thord is forced to pay massive punitive fines in order to escape outlawry, even as his cohorts are outlawed and his sons exiled.

Thord goes home, lonely, broken, and dissatisfied.

And here this narrative ends.

Next: Viglund's saga.

Blood and Poems: The Saga of Gunnlaug Serpent-Tongue

The Myth: Viking Sagas! Blood! Magic! Snow! Violence! Seafaring! Vicious, vicious poetry!
The Book: Sagas of Warrior-Poets
The Author:  Various bards of the thirteenth century.
This text: Paperback anthology from a 1997 translation by various scholars
Price: Well, I paid $16.95 according to the sticker. (Penguin Classics. Amazon has an etext which is slightly cheaper, and there are probably earlier translations around.)

The Saga of Gunnlaug Serpent-Tongue

When Helga Thorsteindottir was born, it was prophesied that she would cause the death of two men before marrying a third. Thorstein gave orders that she should be exposed, to save himself any   trouble that might result, but his wife Jofrid sent her in secret to a fostering. Many years later, Thorstein is introduced to Helga and told that she is his daughter. He repents his previous stupidity and takes her home with him.

Shortly after, two brothers are fostered with Thorstein. One is a promising chief-in-the-making called Hermund, the other is the promising if acerbic poet named Gunnlaug Serpent-Tongue. The fostering has come about because twelve-year-old Gunnlaug has asked his father Illugi for trade goods to fund an international trading expedition, and Illugi reckons he's too young and needs to learn a bit of Icelandic law.

Gunnlaug and Helga fall in love over a mutual love of board games, and also because Helga is the most beautiful woman in Iceland. Thorstein teaches Gunnlaug all about Icelandic law. Gunnlaug practices the betrothal process on Helga, to everyone's amusement, except, perhaps, Thorstein's.

Some time later, Thorstein offers Gunnlaug a horse. Gunnlaug refuses, saying that he's planning on going overseas and can't possibly take a horse, and suggests Thorstein offers him his daughter instead. Thorstein says that he considers him too young and reckless, and besides, he's going overseas and can't possibly take his wife. There are some complicated negotiations, and it is agreed that Gunnlaug will be allowed to marry Helga if he returns from his overseas jaunt within three years.

Gunnlaug's overseas jaunt starts badly when he insults the Earl of Norway. However, he soon finds favour with King Ethelred of England, and takes service with him as warrior and poet. When Gunnlaug runs afoul of the thug and bandit Thororm, King Ethelred presents him with a sword to duel him with. Thororm has a charm that lets him blunt any weapon he looks at; therefore Ethelred recommends Gunnlaug show him a different sword before the duel. Gunnlaug does so, and wins great favour in England by slaying Thororm.

Gunnlaug travels a bit here and there, befriending the kings of Ireland and Sweden. In the Swedish court he meets Hrafn Onundson, who hails from the same part of Iceland as he does. The two get on pretty well, until Gunnlaug insults Hrafn's poetry before the king. Hrafn says that this will not stand. Hrafn returns home to Iceland, and Gunnlaug goes back to England.

Gunnlaug is coming to the end of his three years, but England is threatened by Canute of Denmark. King Ethelred doesn't let him go. When another summer passes without a Danish invasion, the king relents, and Gunnlaug hightails it back to Iceland. On the way back, he meets Hallfred Troublesome-Poet, who tells him that Hrafn intends to seek Helga's hand. Gunnlaug heads back to Iceland, but is too late: Helga is married to Hrafn.

Illugi and Hermund tell Gunnlaug that there are plenty more fish in the cold northern seas, but Gunnlaug will have none of it. He spends as much time as he can with Helga, giving her gifts. Helga has no love at all for Hrafn, and Hrafn blames Gunnlaug. At the Althing, they bicker, and Gunnlaug challenges Hrafn to a duel. Hrafn hits Gunnlaug's shield so hard that his sword breaks, scratching Gunnlaug's cheek as it shatters. Gunnlaug claims a technical victory because Hrafn is disarmed; Hrafn claims the same because Gunnlaug is wounded. Neither is satisfied, but the Althing votes to outlaw duelling, so that was the last duel ever fought in Iceland.

But not the last fought in Norway: Hrafn and Gunnlaug agree to continue the duel overseas. Gunnlaug chops of Hrafn's leg, but Hrafn doesn't yield. Gunnlaug says he won't duel with someone who can't actually stand up. Hrafn says he'll be alright, if he can just have a drink of water. Gunnlaug agrees to fetch him water in his helmet. Hrafn stabs him in the head.

They fight longer, and Gunnlaug gets a technical victory in that Hrafn dies first, but neither survives the duel.

News reaches Illugi and Hermund, and they kill and maim a couple of Hrafn's kinsmen in vengeance for Gunnlaug. Helga is married to someone else, but never quite gets over her first love. She eventually dies of grief, and also plague.

And this is the end of the saga.

Next: Bjorn's Saga.

Blood and Poems: The Saga of Hallfred Troublesome-Poet

The Myth: Viking Sagas! Blood! Magic! Snow! Violence! Seafaring! Vicious, vicious poetry!
The Book: Sagas of Warrior-Poets
The Author:  Various bards of the thirteenth century.
This text: Paperback anthology from a 1997 translation by various scholars
Price: Well, I paid $16.95 according to the sticker. (Penguin Classics. Amazon has an etext which is slightly cheaper, and there are probably earlier translations around.)

The Saga of Hallfred Troublesome-Poet
So Hallfred is in love with Kolfinna Avaldadottir, but isn't ready for the commitment of marriage. Kolfinna's father Avaldi therefore arranges to marry Kolfinna to Gris, who has been as far afield as Constantinople and may have been a Varangian Guard. Hallfred complains to Kolfinna, who tells him that he's had his chance. Gris and his father tell Hallfred that they don't want him sniffing around Kolfinna any more. Hallfred's foster father and his actual father agree, and Hallfred is sent overseas.

Hallfred befriends Earl Hakon of Norway with poetry and becomes a succesful trader, staying well away from the north of Iceland where Kolfinna is. Then Hakon dies and Olaf Tryggvason - also known as St. Olaf - is now king, with a new religion and new laws. Olaf demands that Hallfred and his crew convert. Hallfred, canny merchant that he his, agrees on two conditions: that Olaf never forsake him, and that the king himself act as sponsor in his baptism.

Hallfred stays with the king for some years, composing vaguely pagan poems that Olaf doesn't really want to hear, and gains the nickname 'Troublesome-Poet' during this period. Slowly and reluctantly, Hallfred gives up his poetic references to the old gods at Olaf's insistence. Still, when Hallfred's rival, the courtier Kalf, accuses him of being a secret pagan, it's all a bit too plausible, and only the king's baptism oaths prevent him from exiling Hallfred. Instead, he gives Hallfred the task of blinding Thorleif the Wise, an influential pagan hold-out in up-country Norway.

Hallfred makes his way onto Thorleif's farm, in secret initially, but Thorleif has dreamed of his coming and rumbles him. They fight, and Hallfred rips out one of Thorleif's eyes. Thorleif offers him money and gifts and favour if Hallfred spares him. Hallfred refuses the gifts but agrees to grant mercy off his own bat. On the way home, he stops in at Kalf's place, and takes his eye, too. He presents both eyes to King Olaf, who notices the difference and wants to send Hallfred back to Thorleif for his other eye. Hallfred refuses, but says he's happy to go back to Kalf's place. The king says it's probably better if he doesn't.

Hallfred continues to travel but not trade, as a shipwreck loses him worldly goods. A wealthy but elderly man named Audgisl hires him to accompany his caravan through dangerous territory. They run afoul of a bandit named Onund, who kills Audgisl and is killed in turn by Hallfred. Hallfred continues the journey to Audgisl's home, and on the way he is attacked by another man named Bjorn, and kills him. Audgisl's kin put him to trial for the murder of Bjorn, but on discovering that he was a trusted friend of Audgisl and following him to recover the body, they find in his favour and award him Onund's accumulated booty. Hallfred falls in love with Audgisl's widow, named Ingibjorg, and settles down for some years. They have two fine sons, Audgisl and Hallfred, Jr.

During this time, Hallfred's only religious observance is to make the sign of the cross over his beer. King Olaf appears to him in a dream and berates him for lapsing in his faith. The king's fetch demands that Hallfred bring his family to meet him. They do, and Ingibjorg and the kids are baptised.

Ingibjorg dies shortly afterwards, and Hallfred becomes homesick for Iceland. He sends the boys off to fosterings, and takes some men to Gris' homestead. The first thing he does is reacquaint himself with Kolfinna, and spending the night with her. He tells her that he has heard a great deal of scandalous poetry about Gris, and asks if she had written them. She denies it, and grows more offended with each verse, and more so when he starts composing his own. Gris hears about this liaison and the poetry, and he and his men try to kill Hallfred. They fail. Gris continues to demand compensation, in the form of Hallfred's royally-bestowed jewellery. Hallfred scoffs and refuses, and continues to compose satirical poetry.

Now very highly offended, Gris prepares a lawsuit. Hallfred has a weak case, which becomes weaker when Gris' kinsman kills his cousin, the lawyer. He opts for the 'challenge the opponent to a duel' defence, available in Viking courts, but the recently deposed King Olaf appears to him in a dream and tells him that he doesn't exactly have right - and therefore God - on his side. Hallfred cancels the duel and asks for a settlement, even though it's likely to go against him. The judge - Hallfred's uncle - balances up the murders, the kisses and the poems, and orders Hallfred to pay a fine, more of his royal jewellery.

Hallfred leaves his farm, with the vague intention of avenging King Olaf by killing the Earl Eirik. Dream-Olaf appears and tells him that this is a bad plan, and that he should instead reconcile himself to the Earl through poetry. Eirik's men capture him and he takes a lunge at the earl, and he is sentenced to death. Thorleif the Wise requests that Hallfred be spared, in recognition of his earlier clemency. The two become friends.

Hallfred's adventuring days are now largely over, though he does travel briefly with Gunnlaug Serpent-Tongue, hero of the next Saga, and they compare warrior-poet notes. Hallfred dies at sea as he is taking his family back to Iceland one last time. His coffin washes up in Iona, where the abbot's servants plunder his remains. Dream-Olaf berates the abbot for his poor treatment of the poet, and the monks recover Hallfred's body for Christian burial, making altar goods from his treasures - the last of his king-bestowed gold.

And here the saga of Hallfred ends. 

Next: Gunnlaug Serpent-Tongue.

Blood and Poems: Kormak's Saga

The Myth: Viking Sagas! Blood! Magic! Snow! Violence! Seafaring! Vicious, vicious poetry!
The Book: Sagas of Warrior-Poets
The Author:  Various bards of the thirteenth century.
This text: Paperback anthology from a 1997 translation by various scholars
Price: Well, I paid $16.95 according to the sticker. (Penguin Classics. Amazon has an etext which is slightly cheaper, and there are probably earlier translations around.)

I've had this on my shelf for some years, and had never got around to reading it. It doesn't quite fit into my free-texts-from-history ethos, but turned out to be such fun that I couldn't pass it up.

So the book is a (Penguin) collection of a number of Icelandic sagas, of the warrior-poet genre. The sagas are prose shot through with bits of verse. This genre deals with love triangles, revenge cycles and general bad behaviour. The protagonists are generally unsympathetic: quixotic, vain and violent, although to be fair so is nearly everyone else. One of the sagas is actually called 'The Saga of Hallfred Troublesome-Poet'. Because the protagonists are warrior-poets, there's as much slander and litigation as duelling and violence. As crimes deserving compensation go, 'you killed my cousin!' is roughly on a par with 'you wrote shitty poetry and said it was mine!'

Kormak's Saga is the first in the book, and sets the scene pretty well. Kormak meets and falls in love with Steingerd, fails to marry her, and then continues to pursue her long after everyone else has lost interest, including her. Kormak's brother, Thorgils, follows loyally while constantly pointing out how stupid Kormak is being. Everyone else is all, "Are you still going on about this?" Halfway through, Steingerd herself tells him to piss off. Kormak comes across as being a complete dick, and it's possible that the Viking moral is: 'Mouthy poets is trouble.'

It's pretty great.

Kormak's Saga
Kormak and Thorgils are Viking brothers, sons of heroes. Kormak is in love with Steingerd, but her father, Thorkel, disapproves. This disapproval manifests as him trying to have Kormak killed; two sons of the of the sorceress Thorveig attempt the deed, fail, and are killed. Kormak confronts Thorveig and tells him that he has no intention of providing compensation for her sons, and tells her to leave town. Thorveig responds with a curse: Kormak will never enjoy Steingerd's love.

This turns out to be a remarkably subtle curse, playing out over Kormak's entire life, although another possibility is that it is completely ineffectual and Kormak is just a dick.

Regardless, Kormak goes to a lot of effort to win over Thorkel, and eventually the latter agrees to let him marry Steingerd.

And Kormak doesn't turn up.

Thorkel is furious. He pretty quickly arranges to marry Steingerd to champion duelist Bersi. Steingerd sends her kinsman Narsi to tell Kormak about the marriage. Narsi does, and Kormak hits him. Thorgils suggests that this is perhaps an overreaction; Kormak agrees, and they get the full story of the wedding feast out of Narsi.

'Thorgils! Bersi has taken my beloved Steingerd to wife!'
'That's true, Kormak, but when you didn't turn up to your wedding, everyone kind of assumed that you'd lost interest.'
'(mumble)'
'What?'
'I said it isn't easy, being a poet!'

Kormak sets off in pursuit of the wedding party, accompanied by the reluctant Thorgils. Bersi travels through Thorveig's farm, and she gives him a magic shield and lends him a boat. She then has her people stave out the bottoms of the rest of her boats, so that Kormak can't follow.

Kormak and Thorgils arrive in pursuit. Thorgils finds an old boat in a barn, which Thorveig offers to hire to them at an exorbitant price. Thorgils grumbles, but Kormak says that he's on a mission for love and doesn't want to piss about with pocket change. Thorgils pays up and they set off across the ford.

The boat sinks.

'Boat's sinking, Kormak.'
'Shut up, Thorgils.'

They go back to their horses and eventually catch up to Bersi, who has now joined up with several of his men. Kormak claims, against quite a lot of reason, that Bersi has abducted Steingerd.

'Bersi, I shall have my vengeance!'
'Kormak? What the hell for?'
'You married my beloved Steingerd!'
'Dude. I heard you didn't turn up to your wedding because you'd lost interest.'
'It isn't easy being a poet!'

Bersi, who had no particular beef against Kormak, says, no, he's properly married, and asks Kormak if he would like his sister Helga as a wife instead. Kormak dithers, but eventually decides that, no, he would rather fight Bersi in a duel. He names a time and a place. Thorgils tells him he's an idiot, and they head home. Kormak stops briefly to talk to Steingerd, who says that while she had no particular wish to marry Bersi, Kormak is in fact a trouble-maker and a bit of a dick.

'Steingerd, I'm quite disappointed that you'd marry someone else.'
'Wasn't exactly my idea, Kormak, but when you didn't turn up to our wedding, I kind of assumed that you'd lost interest.'
'It isn't easy being a poet.'

Kormak leaves her with some love poetry, saying that he loves her so much that he's willing to ride his horse to death for her.

Kormak's mother Dalla tells him he's an idiot, and if he's going to fight a champion duelist he should probably borrow her friend Skeggi's magic sword. Skeggi initially refuses, but after an implied intervention by Dalla, relents and teaches Kormak the ritual necessary to activate the sword's magic.

'Right, Kormak, you understand the ritual you need for the magic sword Skofnung? That I'm only lending you because your mother is a close friend?'
'Yeah, basically.'
'We're going to regret this.'

Kormak screws up the magic ritual and the sword refuses to fight for him. It screeches, it howls, and it cuts off the tip of Bersi's sword, which cuts open Kormak's thumb. Blood on the dueling ground is a forfeit; Kormak loses. Kormak takes the sword back to Skeggi, singing whiny poems about the stupid sword.

'Skeggi, your magic sword sucks! I lost the duel in the shittiest way possibly!'
'Did you remember the ritual?'
'Well, maybe I didn't remember every single little tiny syllable...'

Kormak asks his cousin Steinar, a champion duelist, to pay the dueling fee to Bersi. Bersi offers to heal Kormak's wound with his magic healing stone, but Kormak refuses. At the Althing, Bersi inadvertently insults Steinar, who says that he was going to pay Kormak's forfeit, but now offers double-or-nothing. Bersi accepts. Steinar taunts Bersi into a swimming race as well, and during the race tears off his healing stone.

The duel goes badly for Bersi: a blow from Steinar glances off his magic shield, and chops off his buttock. Bersi's wound heals badly until a friend recovers the healing stone, but Steingerd considers him disgraced, calling him 'Arse-Bersi' and divorcing him. Thorkel attempts to recover Steingerd's dowry, and Bersi kills him.

Shortly after leaving Bersi, Steingerd meets and marries a tin-smith called Thorvald. Kormak finds out and follows them to Thorvald's homestead. He tells Steingerd that he's a bit disappointed that she has married again, and she tells him that she hopes he is eaten by trolls.

"Steingerd, I'm quite disappointed that you would marry someone else. Again."
"Kormak, will you just piss off?"

Kormak nevertheless challenges Thorvald to a duel. Thorvald is protected from harm by a sorceress named Thordis, and at his mother's instigation Kormak approaches her for the same protection. Thordis struggles because of Thorveig's curse, and tries to unwind it to make the spellcasting easier. Kormak tells her not to worry about that supernatural shit, just give him a magic charm for the duel. He and Thorvald fight, and since neither of them can draw any blood, it doesn't end until Kormak hits Thorvald hard enough to break his ribs. Kormak claims Steingerd as a prize, but she again tells him to piss off and goes to look after Thorvald. Thordis has a magic spell to help heal Thorvald, but he needs the sacrificial bull that Kormak killed after the duel. Kormak's price for the dead bull is Steingerd's gold ring, which pisses her off even more.

Thorvald challenges Kormak to another duel; this time Kormak doesn't bother with Thordis' protection, and ends the duel with a blow that breaks his opponent's shoulder. Thorvard forfeits another gold ring. Kormak continues to harass Steingerd, and is seen kissing her in public, twice. Thorvald demands compensation, and is given the two rings back. Kormak and Thorgils leave town, and take service with the King of Norway.

Later, Steingerd asks to accompany Thorvald on his travels. This brings them into range of Kormak again, who continues to press his attentions on Steingerd. Then Thorvald loses his ships, goods and wife to Viking raiders. When Kormak hears about this he sets off in pursuit, rescuing Steingerd and killing the raiders. Thorvald says that, due to his heroism, perhaps Kormak should take Steingerd with him. Steingerd vehemently refuses. Kormak puts this down to Thorveig's curse, and gallantly says that he doesn't think it would work out.

'It isn't easy, being a poet.'

Thorgils' response to this is not recorded, and shortly afterwards, Kormak is killed by Scottish giants, still singing of his love for Steingerd.

And there this saga ends.

Next: A troublesome poet.