The Voyage of the Argo I: There...

The Myth: The Argo! Jason! Heracles! Heroes! Gods! Goddesses! Monsters! Sorceresses! Dragons! Rocks! Sea travel! Countless screaming Argonauts!
The Book: The Argonautica
The Author: Apollonius of Rhodes (some time in the 3rd century BCE)
This text: An etext of an 1912 prose translation by R. C. Seaton, R. C. My version is the Charles Rivers Editors version.
Price: This one cost me 81 cents from Amazon, but there are free versions available.

I knew when I started this project I would end up in Greece at some point.

Book I: From Here to Halfway There
King Pelias has heard a prophecy: that he will be killed by a man with one sandal. Shortly afterwards, Jason loses his shoe in the mud while crossing a river. Pelias deals with this by sending Jason on a suicide mission to the other side of the world.

In a mighty warship, the Argo...

...made by Argus, a - no, the - master shipwright...

...guided by Athena, goddess of wisdom...

...blessed by Hera, queen of the gods...

...crewed by several dozen of the Mediterranean's greatest heroes and demigods...

...including Heracles, taking time off from his labours.

'Now that I think about it, this plan may have some flaws.'
'At least they don't have Theseus, sire.'
'Yeah. It would be much easier if they had Theseus.'
'...marginally easier, sire.'

The mission is to recover the golden fleece from Colchis, ruled by King Aeetes. Easy.

The ship's first stop is Lemnos, where they are greeted by Queen Hypsipyle, who offers them the hospitality of the island. The crew is shown an awful lot of hospitality, as they're the first men the women of the island have seen in some time. This is because the women killed all of the Lemnian menfolk themselves. Jason enjoys the Queen's hospitality personally while Heracles waits on the ship, grumbling about the loose morals of adventurers these days.

Hypsipyle, conscious that the younger women on the island are getting rather restless, and that there's not a lot of little Lemnians any more, invites the crew of the Argo to settle. Jason hedges - last night was fun, but there's this quest thing, no guarantee we're coming back, let's not make this into a big thing, there's family in Iolcus...

Hypsipyle and her elders sigh.

    'I'm starting to remember why we killed our menfolk.' 

Still, the crew hangs around for a while longer, until Heracles' grumbling gets too much for them and they head off. Jason asks Hypsipyle to send any chance offspring to Iolcus to be his heir, and offers a fond farewell.

    'Wait, you did what to your menfolk?'

The Argo stops next at the island of Electra, daughter of Atlas, for some secret sailor rites. However these rites are too secret for the poet to actually relate, and before long they find themselves at the island known as the Mount of Bears. Here there is a small city-state ruled by Cyzicus, which is beset all sides by six-armed giants called the Earthborn.

Cyzicus has received a prophecy: if a ship full of heavily armed godlings turns up, don't piss them off or you will die.

Cyzicus is very friendly to the ship full of heavily armed godlings.

Jason and crew are treated to a lovely time in the palace, trading life stories and suchlike, while Heracles and some of the junior heroes fight off an invasion of Earthborn. Eventually, the two parties finish what they're doing, meet up and sail off.

Into a massive storm.

The Argo is buffeted and turned around, and eventually makes landfall somewhere dark. This is Cyzicus' kingdom again, but they don't know it. Cyzicus, no longer on the lookout for a ship full of heavily armed godlings, mistakes them for invaders and attacks.

It doesn't go well for Cyzicus. Or his people. Or his kingdom.

The embarrassed Argonauts find themselves trapped in the kingdom they've just destroyed, on account of many days of storms. A local shepherd has a prophetic dream, and Jason is able to beseech the right gods and the Argo is off again.

The Argonauts then get into a bit of a chest-beating competition about who can row the hardest. Heracles wins for a long while, but then his oar breaks. When they next make landfall, Heracles goes off into the forest to find a new one, which he does by uprooting trees. While he's doing this, his sidekick Hylas is kidnapped by nymphs and trapped in a spring. The hero Polyphemus hears his - presumably - anguished cries, and tells Heracles. Heracles heads off in pursuit, shouting loudly.

Meanwhile, the pilot Tiphys notices a change in the wind, and urges everyone aboard. The ship flies off across the waves - until someone notices that Heracles, Polyphemus and Hylas are not aboard. There is strife among the crew, with Jason sulking and Telamon threatening to throw Tiphys overboard, until the sea god Glaucus puts his giant arm over the side of the boat and explains that Heracles is needed in another myth cycle and Polyphemus has to found a city.

Telamon apologises to Jason and Tiphys, and the Argonauts shrug and sail on.

Book II: There
The Argo lands in the lands of Amycus, king of the Bebrycians. Amycus demands that their bravest warrior meet him in a fist fight. Polydeuces volunteers for the Argo. Polydeuces wins, a little too vigorously: he breaks Amycus' skull and kills him. The Bebrycians attack the Argonauts in fury, but are driven off. The Argonauts complain that if Heracles had have been here, Amycus wouldn't have been stupid enough to do the fist fight thing in the first place.

At their next stop, the Argonauts meet Phineus. Phineus has a problem: he was granted the gift of prophecy, and told people what he actually saw rather than what Zeus wanted them to know. Because of this, Zeus has blinded him and made sure he is plagued with harpies, who steal his food and shit on what's left.

'You guys want to stay for dinner?'
'...not really.'

However, because of his unerring gift of prophecy, Phineus knows that the arrival of a ship full of heavily armed godlings will mean that he gets to eat properly again, so he's come down to meet them. He explains the thing with the harpies, and asks politely for help. Two Argonauts - brothers Zetes and Calais - ask if they'll get in trouble for messing with this perfectly lawful cursing. Phineus swears by his gift that they won't.

Phineus sits down to eat and the harpies attack. Zetes and Calais hold them off long enough for him to enjoy his meal. However, it turns out that harpies are right buggers to actually kill, and they don't manage it. The goddess Iris turns up and explains that hurting the harpies is against Olympian environmental regulations, but calls off the harpies and says that this harpy harassment won't happen again.

The rest of the crew clean Phineus up, and he explains how to get through the clashing Cyanean rocks. He explains that he can't tell them everything - that was the sort of thing that got him in trouble with Zeus - but gives them pretty good directions to Colchis and tells them to stop at a certain temple of Ares for 'unspeakable help'. Phineus then settles himself back in as local prophet, and sends them on their way.

Following Phineus' advice, and with a bit of help from Athena, the Argo sails through the Cyanean rocks without being completely crushed, and continues its journey.

Next they are met by Lycus, king of the Mariandyni, who are the hereditary enemies of the Bebrycians and are therefore very pleased to meet Polydeuces. In Lycus' land they lose two Argonauts in quick succession: the prophet Idmon, to a boar, and the pilot Tiphys, to illness.

'Yeah. Saw that coming.'

The heroes are a bit lost - adrift, even - until Ancaeus volunteers for ship-steering duty. Under Ancaeus' hand they sail past wondrous and mystic and historic and terrifying lands, until they come to the island of Ares. Here they devise a bronze rattle to scare off the sharp and stabby birds - just like Heracles did, and presumably told them about - and go ashore.

Here they meet the 'unspeakable help' that Phineus promised: the four sons of Phrixus, lately of Colchis. These are kinsmen of Jason's, sharing a great-grandfather. They introduce themselves as Cytissorus, Phrontis, Melas and Argus (hereafter, Other Argus). They were sailing out, they say, to take hold of the land of Athamas, but were shipwrecked. Jason invites them aboard the Argo - there are some crew vacancies - and explains the mission. The brothers are a little horrified, and explain that Aeetes isn't just going to give up the golden fleece. Other Argus explains that there's also a dragon.

The Argo continues on its voyage - past the mountain where Prometheus is bound and screaming - and Other Argus guides them to Colchis. Here, they stash the ship in a secluded backwater, and withdraw to plan their next move...

Next: Back again.

Romancin' Roland III: The Battle for France

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Innamorato
The Author: Matteo Maria Boiardo (1494).
This text: An etext of an 1823 prose translation by William Stewart Rose. This edition is from the University of Adelaide - Project Gutenberg has the same text, but the formatting is better here.  It's worth noting that much the same material is covered in Thomas Bulfinch's Age of Chivalry. 
Price: Nothin'.

So where were we?

Right: Angelica has sent Orlando off to destroy the garden of the enchantress Falerina.

The Strange Case of the Damsel of the Hair
The first people Orlando meets on his new quest are Uldano, who is standing guard over a woman tied to a tree by her hair, and Origilla, a woman tied to a tree by her hair. Uldano explains: He used to be in love with Origilla, as did a lad named Lucrino. Origilla persuaded Uldano to disguise himself as Oringo, who had killed her brother, Corbino. Then she persuaded Lucrino to try to kill Oringo, who had killed her brother, Corbino. Meanwhile, her father had offered her hand to Ariantes, on the condition that he kill Oringo, who had killed her brother, Corbino. Ariantes attacked Uldano, thinking he was Oringo, and Lucrino attacked Oringo, thinking he was Uldano disguised as Oringo. Everyone was badly wounded, but Lucrino made it to Origilla's father, who thought that he was Ariantes, and promised him Origilla. Everyone was very upset. The King sentenced everyone to death: Oringo killing Orbino, Ariantes for agreeing to kill Oringo, Uldano and Lucrino for pretending to be other people, and Origilla on general principles.

Origilla was to be hung by her hair until she was dead, and the knights were to guard her until she died. It is now Uldano's watch, and he points to the arms of eight knights he's already prevented from rescuing her.

Origilla says, 'Nah, it's all bullshit,' which is enough for our lad and he attacks Uldano, and wins. Origilla points him to a nearby stairway, tells him he can see Heaven and Hell from the top of it, and then nicks his horse when he goes to look.

Orlando swears, and heads off on foot.

Meanwhile, elsewhere...
Agramant in Africa is plotting the invasion of France. His advisor Sobrino tells him it's a bust, unless he gets hold of his cousin, Rogero, currently held prisoner by the sorceror Atlantes.

Outside Albracca, Rinaldo abandons Marphisa's siege to pursue Orlando, taking Astolpho, Iroldo and Prasildo with him. They promptly find a brute who is menacing women. The brute throws Iroldo and Prasildo into a river. He tries the same with Rinaldo, but it doesn't quite work and they both fall in, leaving Astolpho on Bayardo with two distressed maidens.

Inside Albracca, Brandimart decides to head off after Orlando, as do his friends Gryphon and Aquilant. These last two meet Origilla who tells them Orlando is dead, then both knights and the damsel of them are kidnapped by forces unknown and taken off for execution.

Just as she's noting that she's defeated almost all of Angelica's defenders, Marphisa is attacked by Sacripant, king of Circassia, but the battle is interupted by news that Circassia has been invaded by Mandricardo, son of the late Agrican.

Rodomont, one of Agramant's vassals, decides to invade France even if no-one else is doing it.

Agramant is assured that Rogero can be rescued only if someone has a ring of magic resistance and also invisibility, like Angelica's. The dwarf Brunello is dispatched to acquire said ring.

The Sword and the Sorceress
The plot threads come together again as Orlando rescues Gryphon, Aquilant and Origilla from captivity. Orlando finds Origilla strangely beguiling, especially for a woman who nicked his horse, but so does Gryphon, so Orlando sends the others away so he can get some wooing in. However, he is interrupted by yet another damsel, who tells Orlando that he is near the garden he's been sent to destroy, and must remain chaste for three days unless he wants to be eaten by a dragon. She knows this because she's read about it in a book she happens to have on her. Even better: Falerina is currently in the garden making a magic sword that will cut through anything. The damsel hands over the book and heads off. Orlando goes to sleep, anticipating adventures on the morrow, and Origilla
pinches his sword and his horse and pisses off.

Next morning, Orlando swears some more and grabs a tree branch to serve as a weapon. He takes out quite a bit of his anger on the dragon guarding the garden's gate, and finds himself trapped in said magic garden as the gate disappears behind him. He finds Falerina just as she's finishing the sword, and takes it off her. He demands she tell him how to (a) escape and (b) destroy the garden, but she refuses, and he ties her to a tree. Then he remembers he has a magic book, and follows its instructions leading him to: fill his ears with roses, kill a siren, cover himself in her blood, remove the roses from his ears, kill a magic bull with horns of iron and fire, follow a river, get shat on by a harpy, kill a harpy, kill a magic ass, kill a faun, kill a giant, kill two more giants that erupt from the flaming blood of the first giant, and consult the god-damn book again.

This tells him that to actually destroy the garden he needs the branch off a certain tree. He heads back past Falerina and finds the tree, which he chops down. The garden disappears, and all that is left is Falerina tied to a tree. Falerina complains that she only ever built magic gardens to annoy Ariantes and Origilla, and anyway one of them was destroyed by a shifty princess, and anyway there's an enchanted bridge left that is full of prisoners who'll die if she does. Take me there and we'll do some rescuing, says Orlando.

A Short-Statured Burglar Steals a Magic Ring
 Meanwhile, Brunello arrives at Albracca and steals Marphisa's sword, Sacripant's horse and Angelica's ring, and shoots off back to Africa. Angelica is just starting to freak out when an army of Turks arrives. She decides to contact her cousin Gradasso, last seen invading Europe, and sends Sacripant with the message.

Back in France...
 ...the treacherous knight Ganelon invites Marsilius, king of Spain, into France, just as Rodomont is invading. Dun dun dun...!

The Bridges of Cathay and India
On their way to Falerina's bridge, Orlando and Falerina arrive at the bridge that Rinaldo fell off. Turns out this was left here by Morgana, who gave some guy invincible strength and invulnerable armour and the ability to breath indefinitely under water for the express purpose of harassing knights. Falerina explains that the modus operandi here is to throw knights into the lake, or, failing that, to grapple them and jump into the lake, and then display their arms as a trophy.

At this point, Orlando spots Rinaldo's arms. Now, Orlando and Rinaldo have been fighting quite a bit, but they are friends and kinsmen. Orlando is a little bit upset and charges into battle. The brute grabs Orlando and jumps into the lake.

The lake is not quite as Orlando expected: instead of a cold and suffocating watery embrace, he finds himself in a wide field in a mystic otherworld. He also has a serious magic sword, which no-one else has had before. Orlando kills Morgana's invincible brute, and wanders off through a surreal and allegorical landscape.

Eventually he finds Morgana, who has Rinaldo and the others imprisoned in a crystal. He captures Morgana by the forelock and demands their release; Morgana requests only that they leave her favourite, a youth named Ziliantes, son of King Monodontes. Orlando shrugs and agrees. The rest of the knights are disgorged. One of them, Dudon, explains to Orlando and Rinaldo that he has been sent by Charlemagne to ask them very nicely to stop fucking around in India and to go home and defend Christendom. They agree to do so.

Except for Orlando and Brandimart, who head back towards Angelica.

The westward-bound party travels for some days until they come across an enchanted ferry, which they take. On the other side they are accosted by an old man, who tells them they trespass upon the territory of King Monodontes, and will not be allowed to depart unless they perform a service, to whit: killing an enemy of the king's. This is Balisardo, a giant and an enchanter. The knights agree on general principles. But it turns out that giants that use magic are much trickier than giants who don't use magic, and they are each defeated and imprisoned.

The dungeons are already chock full of knights - including Astolpho, who sadly tells them that Rinaldo is dead. Rinaldo points out that he is not, which Astolpho finds comforting.

Heading back to Albracca, Orlando and Brandimart meet Brunello - who steals Orlando's horn and sword - and Marphisa - who continues to pursue Brunello. Unable to join in since they don't have horses, they continue on their way until they come across a magic ferry, which they take. Aboard the ferry, they meet again Origilla, who has Orlando's sword and horse. Orlando once again falls in love with her.

On the other side Orlando - possibly weakened in the allegoricals by inappropriate lust - is defeated by Balisardo and put in a prison ship bound for the dungeons, but Brandimart is able to defeat the giant-wizard and rescue him. They learn from the that Monodontes, although terribly terribly rich, is terribly terribly sad: his two sons were taken at a young age, one by a slave named Bardino, the other by a fairy named Morgana. It turns out that Balisardo was in league with Monodontes: Morgana has offered to surrender her prisoner in exchange for one Orlando, who has messed with her.

This Orlando sounds like a bit of a menace, says Orlando. Take us to Monodontes that we may pledge to deliver up this varlet. Origilla, however, is minded to save Gryphon, and secretly tells Monodontes that Orlando is currently on the island. Gryphon insists that Aquilant also be released, and they depart. Orlando and Brandimart are drugged and imprisoned.

Orlando takes the opportunity of imprisonment to convert Brandimart to Christianity. When Monodontes comes down into the dungeon, Brandimart pretends to be Orlando. The king explains that he's only handing 'Orlando' over to Morgana to get his son back. Brandimart proposes that, if that's all he wants, he could send his companion to rescue the kid. And if that doesn't work he can always send 'Orlando' over to the fairy as per the original plan.

The king agrees, and the real Orlando sets off to rescue Ziliantes. Then Astolpho says, 'Oh, hey, Brandimart!' and Brandimart is thrown back into the dungeon.

Orlando heads back to Morgana's bridge, to find the fairy cradling a dead dragon. Also, a bit randomly, Flordelis, with a sergeant. Morgana explains that she turned Ziliantes into a dragon to take the place of her brute, only the magic went wonky and he died. She takes the dead dragon into the lake in the hope that she might be able to resurrect him in the otherworld. Flordelis explains that she was looking for Brandimart, and found this guy: Bardino. Bardino admits that he kidnapped the son of King Monodontes for unspecified reasons and sold him to the Lord of the Sylvan Tower. Said Lord raised Brandimart as his own child, and made Bardino his castellan.  While the Lord was out hunting, the castle came under attack by a knight called Rupardo, so Bardino casts lots to lead him to Brandimart. The lots told him that he was held captive by Morgana.

Old news, says Orlando, Brandimart is being held captive by Monodontes and I need to rescue Ziliantes to get him released, which could be complicated now that Ziliantes is (a) a dragon and (b) dead. But Flordelis eggs him on and Orlando descends into the lake and finds Morgana caressing the recently revived and absolutely terrified Ziliantes. Orlando again grabs her by the forelock and forces her to release her hold on her captive.

Orlando returns Ziliantes to Monodontes and explains everything. Monodonte is so happy he converts to Christianity on the spot, and forgives Bardino his reckless baby stealing. Everyone celebrates until Dudon glances meaningfully at his timepiece, and everyone sets off for Europe.

Except for Orlando and Brandimart, who head back towards Angelica.

Rinaldo's party arrives in Europe. Just over the border, the fairy Alcina - Morgana's sister - falls for Astolpho's irresistible beauty and seduces him onto a whale. Rinaldo joins forces with some armies that were heading in that direction, and confronts Rodomont. Rodomont and Rinaldo fight. The greater battle hangs in the balance: Dudon is captured, Rinaldo loses his horse, Charlemagne arrives with a relief force, and Rodomont flees.

Rodomont decides, however, that he wishes to continue the duel, and looks for Rinaldo in the Forest of Arden. Instead he finds Ferrau, who's been here since early in Book 1, and they start talking about ladies. It turns out that Rodomont is dating Ferrau's ex, and they start fighting over her.

Rinaldo, who wasn't actually in the Forest of Arden, arrives at the Forest of Arden, where a nymph makes him drink from the fountain of Love. This is exactly where he first met Angelica, and he is so filled with remorse for scorning her that he decides to head back to Albracca to apologise.

The Rogero Ruse
Brunello the dwarf escapes Marphisa - despite her abandoning her armour to travel faster, and probably because she wore out her horse - and presents Angelica's ring to Agramant, along with Orlando's horn. Agramant gives him a kingdom (Tingitana, should it become relevant) and lets him join the party of Saracens heading to Atlantes' mountain. Although the ring lets Agramant find the magically hidden mountain with a beautiful garden at the top, it doesn't let him climb it, and even Brunello's burglary skills are unable to effect an entrance. Agramant therefore sets up a tourney, which Rogero sees from the mountaintop and decides to join. Brunello offers him a horse (Sacripant's), a sword (Orlando's) and some armour (his own, somehow). Rogero is wounded treacherously, but Atlantes is able to heal him and he's able to kill the traitor. More importantly, he gets to hear all about the exciting invasion of France...

All Roads Lead to Paris
Orlando and Brandimart and Flordelis return to Albracca, passing Sacripant on the way. Sacripant is heading to seek aid from Gradasso, and is disguised as a pilgrim. Orlando explains what's been going on, and that everyone else has gone back to France. Angelica explains that with no defenders the defense has not been going all that well, and suggests that it might be best to return to France. Especially if Rinaldo's there.

'What was that last bit?'
'Nothing, dear!'

During the escape everyone is scattered, but Orlando quickly reunites with Angelica and Brandimart with Flordelis. A strange knight kidnaps Flordelis and demands Brandimart's armour and horse. This is Marphisa, who lost hers in chasing Brunello. Flordelis and Brandimart face robbers, and they flee into the forest. Happily, Brandimart finds a dead king in full armour, and takes his arms and armour. He leaves the crown, however. (This was Agrican, recently slain by Orlando. Well, fairly recently.)

Orlando and Angelica head back to France (via a tournament in Cyprus where they briefly encounter Gryphon, Aquilant and Origilla). They arrive in the Forest of Arden, and Angelica inadvertently drinks from the fountain of Hate. Then Rinaldo turns up and apologises to Angelica, who tells him to get knotted. This gets Rinaldo riled up, and he and Orlando fight.

Angelica, terrified of the combat, flees the forest, and finds herself in an armed encampment. Here she meets Charlemagne, and tells him what's going on. Charlemagne stomps into the forest, drags both of the knights back to the camp, places Angelica under guard, and tells Orlando and Rinaldo that he'll give her to the one of them that fights best against the damned Saracens, who they might remember are currently invading France!

Agramant, meanwhile, is trying to work out who killed one of his men and all signs point to Brunello. The dwarf is just about to be hanged when Rogero rides in and explains everything, and asks to join the army. Agramant is overjoyed, and forgives everyone, and sets off once more to France.

Meanwhile, Ferrau and Rodomont are interrupted in their duel by news that Marsilius is invading France from Spain. They agree to a gentlemanly truce and head off to join him. Along the way they come across Malagigi and his brother Vivian. Malagigi summons a horde of demons, but they're not enough and the two are captured. The Saracens join up with the Spanish forces, and are attacked by Charlemagne's army.

On their way back to France, Brandimart and Flordelis find themselves trapped in an enchanted castle.  A damsel tells Brandimart that they can escape if he opens a sepulchre and kisses what comes out of it. What comes out of it is a dragon, who turns out to be an enchanted fairy. In gratitude for the kiss and associated rescue, the fairy enchants Brandimart's arms and armour, and then asks them to take the damsel to Syria to be reunited with her father, the king. The damsel tells her story, which is long and complicated, and finishes with her commenting that she wishes she knew what had happened to her sister, who was kidnapped as a child and sold to the Lord of the Sylvan Tower. Wait, says Flordelis, I was kidnapped as a child and sold to the Lord of the Sylvan Tower, and my boyfriend is that Lord's son and also the son of a different king, it's complicated. With everyone is rescued and knowing who their real parents are, Brandimart and Flordelis are married, before setting off again to France.

However, they don't make it: they are shipwrecked, and wash up in Carthage. Brandimart conceals his newly Christian status and introduces himself to Agramant merely as the son of King Monodontes. They join Agramant's army as it sails to Spain and then marches to France, where it joins the battle that's already going on.

Orlando, it turns out, is there, but is hanging back until such time as Charlemagne needs rescuing in the most impressive way possible. He sees Rogero, and is about to attack when Atlantes - who has followed Rogero to make sure nothing bad happens to him - casts a spell and tricks him into jumping into a magic well.

Meanwhile, in Tartary, Agrican's son Mandricardo sets out to avenge his father. He is captured by a fairy, who tests him and eventually awards him with the armour of the Trojan hero Hector - but not his sword. This is because Hector's sword is Durindana, currently wielded by Orlando. The fairy enjoins Mandricardo to swear an oath: he will wear no sword but Orlando's. Mandricardo joins forces with Gradasso and the two have any number of adventures - monsters, giants, mystic dwarves, a half-goblin half-fairy armed with a crocodile - and criss-cross the paths of all the other knights, including Gryphon and Aquilant. Eventually, however, they make it to France, just as Charlemagne's army is falling apart.

In the aftermath of the battle, Rogero finds Rodomont fighting a knight called Bradamant. Rogero politely coughs and says that the battle is over and Charlemagne's army is in rout. Bradamant asks permission to depart the field, which Rodomont refuses. Rogero considers this discourteous, and takes up the fight on Bradamant's behalf. She leaves, but is unable to catch up with the fleeing forces and comes back to see if Rogero needs a hand. Just as she comes back, Rogero gives Rodomont such a blow to the head that he drops both his sword and his bridle, leaving Bradamant and Rogero with a chance to chat. Bradamant apologises for leaving Rogero to fight on her behalf, explaining that she felt she had a duty to her king. Rogero finds this entirely reasonable. Rodomont comes to his senses, but decides that he's had enough and ducks off into the forest.

Bradamant and Rogero chat for a bit, and Rogero tells her his story, starting with the fall of Troy and ending with him being raised by a sorcerer as his son. Bradamant tells her story: she's a French paladin and Rinaldo's sister.

Rogero and Bradamant are getting on really quite nicely when they are attacked by a Saracen scouting party and separated. Rogero starts to look for her but instead comes across Mandricardo and Gradasso. Mandricardo asks Rogero why he has a Trojan device on his shield, and Rogero asks Mandricardo what right he has to Hector's arms. Mandricardo tells the story, but when he gets to the bit about not wearing any other sword by Durindana, Gradasso perks up and says that he's questing for Durindana too - that's the whole reason he invaded France and started this war in the first place. Gradasso and Mandricardo start hitting each other with trees to settle the matter.

This goes on for some time until Brandimart and Flordelis - accidentally on the wrong side in this war - turn up. Brandimart tells everyone that if they want to fight Orlando for his sword, they'll need to rescue him from the magic well first. Mandricardo and Gradasso are all for it, and Rogero tags along. However, Brandimart decides that he has the wrong number of knights, and Mandricardo is sent back to camp.

Orlando, it turns out, has been imprisoned in the River of Laughter by nymphs. Rogero and Gradasso are also seduced in quick succession, but Flordelis provides Brandimart with some garlands of mystic roses, and he effects a rescue. Gradasso decides that now is as good a time as any to attack Orlando and grab his sword, but they are interrupted by a dwarf who needs help. Rogero and Gradasso go off with the dwarf, and Orlando, Brandimart and Flordelis head for Paris, now under siege.

Bradamant, meanwhile, finds a hermit who can tend her various wounds and, because one of them is a head wound, cut her hair. She wanders off through the wood, where she meets with a damsel who, thinking her a man, tries to seduce her.

At this point, the poet says he has to stop because France is invading and the 'horizon is bright with flames.' He promises to continue the story again if he can - but he won't, and it won't be taken up for another forty years, when Ariosto comes along. 

--

Holy shit, this stuff is awesome.

And there's a sequel...

Romancing Roland II: The Needlessly Complicated Siege of Albracca (and its Needlessly Complicated Aftermath)

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Innamorato
The Author: Matteo Maria Boiardo (1494).
This text: An etext of an 1823 prose translation by William Stewart Rose. This edition is from the University of Adelaide - Project Gutenberg has the same text, but the formatting is better here.  It's worth noting that much the same material is covered in Thomas Bulfinch's Age of Chivalry. 
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

III. The Needlessly Complicated Siege of Albracca
When last we left our heroine Angelica, her city was under siege by her ex-suitor Agrican, and things looked bleak indeed. With the loss of the English knight Astolpho, Albracca's morale is severely shaken.

But lo! On the horizon: a friendly army! It's Sacripant!

Sacripant finds Agrican's army a bit of challenge, not least since Agrican is now mounted on Rinaldo's magic horse Bayardo. The two leaders end up in single combat. Sacripant is wounded, but the combat breaks up and he flees into Albracca. His army breaks - Angelica orders the drawbridge lowered to recieve them. Agrican charges through the gates, and wreaks havoc in the town. Sacripant drags himself back into battle, and the portcullis is lowered. Agrican is eventually forced back to the gates.

Meanwhile, Rinaldo has left the ruins of the doom-castle Altaripa, and is wandering errantly. He meets a miserable damsel, who tells him that she's looking for a someone brave enough to take on nine knights, including Orlando. This is Flordelis, Brandimart's lady. Rinaldo says he's up for it.

They ride off, with Flordelis telling a long and intricate tale of chivalry set in Babylon, about a knight named Prasildo who is in love with the queen Tisbina who is married to Iroldo, which involves Prasildo going on a quest for Tisbina and being unexpectedly successful meaning that Tisbina has to marry Prasildo except that Prasildo respects Iroldo too much and everybody ends up poisoned and Prasildo rescues everybody and Iroldo says that maybe he should marry Tisbina and Tisbina says  that maybe that's not actually a bad idea and...

And then Rinaldo tells her to shut up because there's cave filled with griffons, a giant, and a particularly awesome horse. This is the magic steed Rabican, once the horse of Argalia, which has come home to its native cavern. Rinaldo fights with the giant and nearly kills him. The giant releases the griffons, and one of them grabs him by the leg to hit Rinaldo with. It's a close fight, but eventually Rinaldo triumphs. He finds a treasure chamber with a dead damsel in it; written in gold is a promise that the horse Rabican will go to whoever can avenge her death. There's also a book, which Rinaldo reads, that tells the whole terribly sordid story, and names his target as Truffaldino, a villain and a traitor.

Rinaldo and Flordelis are attacked by a centaur and separated; after the monster is killed, Rinaldo decides to keep going in the direction of the quest, with the vague aim of rescuing his cousin Orlando.

Back in Albracca, Agrican is fighting like a cornered rat. However, since he's fighting the defenders of Albracca - who aren't actually on the walls while doing so - his army is able to force the gates and enter the city. The city falls, but Angelica, Sacripant and the remaining kings - which, it turns out, include Truffaldino - are able to barricade themselves in the citadel. The citadel is impregnable, but poorly supplied, so Angelica proposes to seek relief. Nobody seems to object to the shifty princess deserting her city in its hour of need, possibly because she's the one with the magic ring that turns her invisible.

Away from the city Angelica meets an old man who spins her a sob story about having a sick son. Angelica, skilled in medicine as well as magic, offers her aid, and is a little surprised when the old man turns out to be lying, and is in fact on a mission to acquire damsels for the kingdom of Orgagna. Angelica is imprisoned in a tower full of said damsels. By coincidence, she meets Flordelis, who the centaur had thrown into a river and had been captured. Flordelis tells her story: how she was travelling with Rinaldo to rescue Orlando, Brandimart, and a bunch of other knights from their imprisonment in the magic garden of Dragontina.

This is the best thing Angelica has heard all day, so she turns herself invisible and heads for Dragontina's garden. She uses her ring to dispel all the magic, restores all the knights to sanity, and takes them all off to Albracca.

She does not mention Flordelis and the tower full of captive maidens to anyone, knowing that the last thing she needs is all her brand new set of knights to be all distracted and chivalrous.

It turns out that leaving Truffaldino in the citadel was a mistake, because he's thrown Sacripant and all the other kings into the dungeon with the plan of selling out to Agrican. He has misjudged, however, because Agrican really actually detests cowards and traitors, and reckons the citadel will run out of provisions pretty soon anyway. He is just gloating about how he's going to take the city, woo Angelica, and string Truffaldino up by the heels, when the lady herself turns up with a party of knights and crashes through his camp. Truffaldino refuses to open the gates unless everyone swears to save him from reprisals, especially from Agrican, and also to not kill him. Orlando initially refuses, but Angelica points out that they really are on the wrong side of the gates at the moment and maybe they should just agree to get back into the citadel.

Back inside the citadel, they immediately realise that things have not actually improved all that much, and Orlando takes a party of knights in quest of provisions. The nearest provisions are in Agrican's army, so he heads straight for that. Agrican orders his squadrons to stand aside so that he can duel Orlando personally. Things are just getting serious when there's an alarum: another relieving army!

This army has been raised by Angelica's dad Galaphron, and includes an unnamed giant and Marphisa, queen of India. Marphisa has vowed not to lay aside her armour until she has taken three kings prisoner: Charlemagne, Gradasso and Agrican. She is an ambitious lady.

Agrican apologises to Orlando and asks if they might take up the duel again after he has regained control of his army. Orlando agrees and chivalrously offers help if he needs it. Agrican graciously declines, and goes off to kill the giant. This messes up Galaphron's army, which would be recoverable except that Marphisa has pointedly gone off to take a nap, saying 'Wake me when Galaphron's dead and I'm in charge.'

Rinaldo is meanwhile wandering northwards, vaguely worried about what has happened to Flordelis and wondering where this magic fairy garden is. He meets a stranger weeping at a fountain, and asks him what's wrong. 'So I was married to this queen in Babylon...' says the stranger. It turns out this is Iroldo, who had been wandering aimlessly when he was captured by the enchantress Falentina, imprisoned in her magic garden, paired off with a maiden, and set up as a human sacrifice. Only it turns out that when Prasildo found out about it, he came to the rescue all noble-like, initially trying to buy Iroldo's freedom but eventually offering to take his place as the sacrifice, the show-off. Iroldo plans to interrupt the ceremony and, if at all possible, die trying to rescue Prasildo and thus proving who the most awesome knight is. Rinaldo offers a better plan: they will rescue Prasildo, and the maiden, and not die. Iroldo reluctantly agrees not to die.

Prasildo is rescued, as is the maiden - who turns out to be Flordelis. Rinaldo is keen to capitalise on this by destroying the enchanted garden, but Flordelis reminds him that he has other magic gardens to destroy. He concedes, and they all head off to the garden of Dragontina, which it turns out has already been destroyed by Angelica.

No worries: they come across a fugitive from Agrican's army who tells them that Angelica has a new champion who sounds a lot like Orlando, and then they meet a recently awoken Marphisa, who challenges them to a joust. A messenger comes up saying that Galaphron's vanguard has been pretty much demolished and they could really do with some backup about now. Piss off, says Marphisa, I'm jousting. Iroldo and Prasildo are knocked over in short order, but Marphisa and Rinaldo shatter their lances on each other and have to resort to swords and fists.

Elsewhere, Orlando has relieved Galaphron, and he and Agrican agree that the battle has evened out enough that they can continue their duel. They fight for the better part of the day, but Agrican starts to get annoyed at all the interruptions that come from dueling in the middle of a battlefield, and lures Orlando off into the forest. They continue fighting until it gets dark, and then agree that they should probably get a bit of shut-eye before continuing in the morning. Orlando asks Agrican if he's ever really thought about God, or otherwise considered converting, and Agrican says that knights should only talk about fightin' and lovin'. Talking about loving brings the conversation around to Angelica, which, given that they're both totally in love with her, brings the conversation back to to fighting, and then brings the fighting back to the conversation. They fight until dawn, and Orlando wins.

On his deathbed, Agrican agrees that there might be something in this God stuff, and asks Orlando to baptise him. Orlando does, then mounts Bayardo and heads back towards Albracca.

The tide of battle has turned, and Galaphron has penetrated Agrican's camp and released the prisoners, including Astolpho. Astolpho quickly finds his magic lance and rejoins the battle. He and Galaphron are mopping up the enemy when they come across Rinaldo and Marphisa. Rinaldo has a magic sword but has had most of his armour hacked off; Marphisa has magic armour but has had most of her sword hacked off. Galaphron does not recognise Rinaldo but recognises the horse Rabican, which used to belong to his son. He assumes - correctly, largely by coincidence - that this is Argalia's murderer, and charges.

Marphisa takes offence at the interruption to her duel and has at Galaphron. Similarly, when Brandimart tries to rescue Rinaldo from Marphisa, Rinaldo turns on him. Rinaldo and Marphisa turn back to back and take on all comers, which at this point are mostly their own allies. 

Marphisa and Rinaldo eventually put their allies to flight, and pursue them to the gates of Albracca. This is a city ruled by Angelica, who Rinaldo hates, defended by Truffaldino, who he has sworn vengeance on. Marphisa is still mad at Galaphron, who is still alive and still king. The two settle down in front of the gates, shouting challenges. Truffaldino reminds the knights in Albracca that they have sworn to defend him, and leads half a dozen down to take on Rinaldo.

At this point, of course, the original siege has pretty much been defeated.

IV. The Needlessly Complicated Aftermath of the Siege of Albracca
So Brandimart was technically fighting Rinaldo, but the moment he sees Flordelis he ducks out of the battle for some smooching. Unfortunately, Flordelis is kidnapped by a passing necromancer. Brandimart pursues, and catches up with a three giants who have a column of camels - one of which is carrying a damsel he believes is Flordelis. He assails them - the giants, not the camels - and dispatches one, but ultimately comes off second best. Happily, at this point Orlando toddles through, possibly still high on adrenaline from his single-combat all-nighter, and takes care of the other two. Brandimart is wounded, and asks Orlando if he wouldn't mind rescuing Flordelis for him.

It turns out that the damsel they have rescued is not actually Flordelis, although she is pretty good at binding wounds. Brandimart laments - in song - that life is hard for a poor orphan boy who is sold into slavery to the Lord of the Sylvan Tower who eventually warmed to him and gave him his title. He continues to lament that it sucks that his girlfriend has been kidnapped and that he wishes he was dead.

The damsel starts to tell her story - beautiful princess, Kingdom of the Distant Isles, lots of treasure, forced to marry an old man rather than her actual lover - but realises Brandimart isn't paying attention and offers to help the knights rescue Flordelis. They ride off.

(The sorcerer who kidnapped Flordelis has been eaten by a lion, but now she's been captured by a forest savage.)

On the way, Orlando asks the damsel to continue her story, which she does - imprisoned by her betrothed, escaped through a secret tunnel, married her lover, pretended to be her own twin, escaped, was recaptured, escaped again, captured by giants - until she notices that Brandimart has wandered off again. Brandimart has heard Flordelis' cries, and he rides to her rescue, killing the savage as it tries to uproot a tree to hit him with.

Orlando, looking for Brandimart, meets yet another damsel. This one tells him there's a particularly interesting quest in the offing, and gives him a book and a horn. The book tells him to blow the horn, harness the two indestructible monstrous bulls that appear, and use them and his magic sword to plough the field. This he does. Then he blows the horn again, and a dragon appears. The damsel of the Distant Isles figures she could probably bug out now and continue her own adventures away from all these monsters, but the damsel of the book tells her to hang around, since it's really only Orlando in danger. The damsel of the Distant Isles says, whatever.

Instructed by the book, Orlando chops of the dragon's head and sows its teeth in the field. He fights the myrmidons that grow out of them, as is necessary to prove his valour according to the quest in the book. 

Then he blows the horn a third time, which summons...

...a puppy.

'Ah,' he says. Then, 'What?'

The damsel of the book explains: the puppy can be used to track down Morgana, the fairy with dominion over wealth, and not only can he become incredibly wealthy, but if he gives her the puppy she'll fall in love with him.

'Stuff that,' says Orlando, and rides off with the damsel of the Distant Isles. Shortly afterwards, they meet a stranger knight who turns out to be the damsel's lover. Orlando hands over the damsel, expressing relief that her incessant chattering is now someone else's problem.

Back in Albracca, Rinaldo is winning and Truffaldino has retreated to the citadel. Astolpho realises that the knight he has been fighting at the gates is in fact his cousin Rinaldo, and switches sides. And Orlando arrives, and finds Rinaldo fighting Albracca's defenders, for reasons that are not entirely clear to him.

Orlando and Rinaldo shout out bitter reproaches regarding their respective lifestyle choices, and Orlando charges. However, Orlando is mounted on Bayardo, who won't be a party to attacking Rinaldo, his actual master, and they veer off.

Rinaldo sees Truffaldino sneaking up on Astolpho, and charges him. He takes him captive and ties him by the feet to Rabican's tail, and drags him to death. With Truffaldino dead, most of the knights decide that they're no longer really honour bound to defend him. However, Orlando is pretty pissed off, and is back on his original horse, which Brandimart had been riding. He and Rinaldo fight until nightfall, at which point they agree to a truce with the intention of starting again in the morning.

Angelica is basically happy with the outcome of the battle with regards to her city, but is left with a series of problems. She is still in love with Rinaldo, who is on the wrong side of the gates, specifically the outside; Orlando is in love with her, and is also on the wrong side of the gates, specifically the inside; Orlando has basically saved her city and she owes him big time.

Angelica talks Marphisa into letting her talk to Rinaldo. Rinaldo refuses, even when she gives him Bayardo back. Angelica miserably returns to Albracca and promises to marry Orlando if he does one last little teeny tiny thing for her: destroy the magic garden of the enchantress Falerina.

'And try not to be ensorcelled, enchanted, imprisoned, exiled, or killed.'
'Right-ho!'
'But not too hard.'
'What was that last bit?'
'Nothing - good luck, dear!'

Next: Enter Rogero and Bradamante, who are awesome. 

Romancin' Roland I: Angelica the Shifty Princess and the Tournament of Destiny

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Innamorato
The Author: Matteo Maria Boiardo (1494).
This text: An etext of an 1823 prose translation by William Stewart Rose. This edition is from the University of Adelaide - Project Gutenberg has the same text, but the formatting is better here.  It's worth noting that much the same material is covered in Thomas Bulfinch's Age of Chivalry. 
Price: Nothin'.

It surprises me that Orlando Innamorato/Furioso isn't a bigger part of our cultural inheritance. There's eighteen billion King Arthur derivations, but very few Charlemagne ones, and most of those are historical biopics.

And this is a story where a beautiful grifter-princess triggers a sequence of events that sends a dozen knights to all corners of the world (and, in the sequel, the moon) when they should really be defending the realm. It's wonderfully elaborate and complicated. You've got monsters, wizards, sorceresses, enchanted islands, cursed castles, sympathetic and complicated villains, fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...

I would totally watch this TV series.


A note on the text: This text is a prose translation from the early nineteenth century, which tends to describe the epic rather than reproducing it. I've also recently read the Bulfinch's Mythology summary of these legends (in Age of Chivalry). Bulfinch is pretty dry overall, but I found the Charlemagne sequence  hugely entertaining. This summary draws on both of those, but Rose is what I've got open in front of me.

I. Princess Angelica and the Tournament of Destiny
Charlemagne is holding a tournament for the glory of France. Into the middle of a banquet burst four giants, a knight, and beautiful damsel. The damsel introduces herself as Angelica and the knight as her brother, Uberto, and claims that they have been banished from their father's mansion in Cathay for no reason. She adds further that Uberto will joust with all comers; she herself will be the reward. Pretty much everyone falls in love with Angelica at this point, including Charles himself, and especially the Christian knight Orlando and the pagan knight Ferrau. The exception is Malagigi, cousin of Orlando and puissant sorcerer, who knows a shifty sorceress when he sees one and suspects that Angelica is up to no good. Malagigi summons a demon, who tells him a number of things:

• Uberto is actually Argalia, son of Galaphron
• Uberto, actually Argalia, is armed with a magic lance of invincibility
• further, Uberto is equipped with a magic ring of:
• protection from magic, if worn on the finger; and
• invisibility, if put in the mouth.
• the Indian king Galaphron has sent his kids on a mission to humiliate Charlemagne and capture knights
• Angelica is up to no good at all.

Malagigi sneaks into Angelica's camp with intent to murder her, but discovers that she is far too pretty to kill and puts the camp to sleep with a spell. Unfortunately for him, Angelica is wearing Argalia's ring, and wakes. She rouses Argalia, who takes Malagigi captive. Angelica nicks his magic book, and uses it to summon several demons to convey Malagigi back to her father in India. Malagigi is imprisoned in a dungeon under the sea.

The next day, Orlando announces that he will be the first to challenge Argalia for Angelica's hand. Every other knight announces the same thing, and eventually the matter is resolved by drawing lots. Astolpho, the terribly pretty British knight, draws the first lot, Ferrau the second. Orlando draws the thirtieth, and sulks.

Astolpho, not known as a jouster, loses promptly, but because he is terribly pretty, Angelica puts him up in her pavilion. Ferrau loses far less gracefully and goes Argalia with a sword. Argalia's giants step in, and Argalia steps out, feeling that the event has become unsporting. Ferrau eventually prevails, and Argalia agrees to take up the battle again. Crucially, however, he neglects to pick up his magic lance, and the battle is now much more even. Argalia is wearing magic armour and can't be defeated; Ferrau is half-invulnerable and can't be defeated either. They agree to call it a draw, and Ferrau can marry Angelica if she consents.

However, faced with the prospect of marrying Ferrau, who is the opposite of terribly pretty, Angelica flees. She makes her way invisibly into the Forest of Arden, planning to magic herself back home. Abandoned by his hostess, Astolpho picks up the magic lance - not knowing its properties - and heads back to Charlemagne. On the way he meets Rinaldo, his cousin, and tells him what has happened, and then meets Orlando, Rinaldo's cousin and Malagigi's brother, and tells him the same. Rinaldo, Orlando and Ferrau all head into the forest in pursuit of Angelica.

Back at the tournament, the field is being carried by the giant Saracen knight Grandonio. This prompts Charles to speculate with the full force of his vocabulary as to where his champion knights might be. Astolpho, without any particular hope of victory, offers to defend the honour of the king in the absence of his cousins. Much to everyone's surprise, Astolpho defeats Grandonio on the first charge and then clears the field. No-one is more shocked than he himself.

The forest of Arden, site of Angelica's escape, contains two very important water sources left fairly carelessly behind by Merlin after the Tristan/Iseult fiasco. The first is the fountain of hate, which Rinaldo drinks from, causing him to lose interest in Angelica. Having no particular reason to press on, he goes to sleep in a grove. The second water source is the stream of love, which Angelica drinks from, causing her to fall head over heels for Rinaldo, who happens to be sleeping nearby. Rinaldo wakes up and stomps off, with the besotted princess in pursuit. The well-rested knight is too fast for her, and she falls into an exhausted sleep.

Meanwhile, the single-minded Ferrau is pursuing Argalia, intending to defeat him properly so that he can marry Angelica. He is successful in the first part of this: a lucky blow pierces Argalia to the heart. With his dying breath he asks Ferrau to throw his body in the river, because of the immense embarrassment that would result if anyone knew he'd been killed while wearing magic armour.

Elsewhere, Orlando comes upon the sleeping Angelica, and is overcome by her beauty. He decides to sit there, staring, possibly drooling a bit. Ferrau arrives and goes him; Angelica awakes and flees. Orlando proposes a truce so that they might go after her. Ferrau refuses, figuring that he's going to have to kill Orlando at some point anyway. They fight until they are politely interrupted by a damsel, who is looking for Ferrau. Gradasso of Sericane has invaded Europe, and Ferrau's liege, Marsilius of Spain, would really like Ferrau to be back home defending the realm right now. Ferrau grudgingly agrees, and heads back home, leaving Orlando to pursue Angelica eastwards. It does not occur to Orlando that if Gradasso is invading Spain, he might shortly be threatening France, but Orlando is kind of like that.

II. The Road to Cathay
Angelica makes it safely home. She's lost Argalia, but gained Malagigi. Unfortunately, Malagigi isn't the one she wants. She offers him a deal: bring me Rinaldo, and you can go free. She lets him loose and gives him back his magic book. Malagigi summons a demon to take him back to Europe. Rinaldo is pleased to see him, but has absolutely no interest in heading to India. In fact, he's due to duel Gradasso for the fate of France. Malagigi understands, and disguises his demon as Gradasso to lure Rinaldo onto a magic boat. Rinaldo goes eastwards.

Elsewhere, Orlando is heading to India off his own bat. He rescues an old man's son from a giant, and the old man rewards him with a magic book that can answer any question. 'Where's Angelica?' he asks. 'Ask the sphinx,' says the book. 'What sphinx?' asks Orlando.

'Hello,' says a sphinx.

The sphinx agrees to tell Orlando where Angelica is, if Orlando will answer his own riddle. Orlando agrees, and the sphinx tells him that Angelica is in Albracca in Cathay. The sphinx then asks its riddle, and Orlando kills it with his magic sword Durindana. Then he consults the book, and it tells him that the answer was 'man'. 

'Huh,' says Orlando.

Orlando then deals with a giant and a cyclops in short order, and meets a courier. The courier has been sent by Angelica to enlist the aid of Sacripant, king of Circassia, on account of how Albracca is under seige by Agrican, emperor of Tartary. Agrican is one of Angelica's ex-suitors, and is hoping to win her by force of arms. This tells Orlando that he's near Albracca and hence Angelica, and he sets off with a spring in his step.

Nearby is a bridge over a raging river. A damsel  tells him it is her custom to offer everyone who passes a drink from her magic goblet. Not one to scoff at custom, Orlando drinks, and is drugged into an amnesiac stupor.

Back in France, Rinaldo's no-show causes Gradasso to take up the offensive again. Everyone is captured except Astolpho, who is holding the fort back in Paris. Since all Gradasso actually wants out of his invasion is Rinaldo's horse Bayardo and Orlando's sword Durindana, Charlemagne admits defeat and offers both of these, the first immediately, the second whenever Orlando gets back from wherever he's got to. Astolpho refuses to surrender the horse - which isn't Charlemagne's, after all - and offers to joust Gradasso for it and for his captives. Again, Astolpho is accidentally triumphant, and he saves the king and the day. 

Malagigi's boat brings Rinaldo to a luxurious palace on a beautiful garden island. The staff introduce themselves and tell him that the palace is a gift from his magnificent lady love. Rinaldo is pretty impressed until he works out that said lady is Angelica, at which point he huffs back to his boat. He can't make it sail, but just as he's considering his swimming options, it takes off again and deposits him at the feet of an old man who has just this second lost his daughter to a kidnapper.

Rinaldo sets off in pursuit, and promptly falls into a pit trap. He is carried by a giant to the horrible castle Altaripa. There, a hag tells him a long and complicated story of crime, jealousy, violence, infanticide, cannibalism, rape and bitter, bitter revenge. The horrid crimes that have happened here have given birth to a voracious and invulnerable monster. The hag tells Rinaldo that she feeds to the monster anyone that arrives at the castle - originally from necessity, but these days for the fun of it. Rinaldo is thrown into a dungeon, and in the morning he is lowered into the monster's quarters. Neither his sword nor his armour have much effect, and the monster quickly gains the upper hand.

Meanwhile, back in Abracca, Angelica asks Malagigi how Operation Bring-Rinaldo-Here-For-Kisses is going. Malagigi admits that it hasn't gone entirely to plan, and Rinaldo is technically at the mercy of an invincible murder-monster in the doom-castle Altaripa. All is not entirely lost, he says, because he's pretty sure his arsenal of magic items could save the day. The items are:

• a rope full of nooses
• a cake of wax
• a file.

Angelica takes these and flies off to the rescue. She finds Rinaldo dangling from a beam, almost but not quite out of reach of the monster. The exchange goes something like this.

'Can I help you, sweetie? This is kind of my fault although really it's Malagigi's.'
'Don't need your help! Piss off!'
'I've got some magic stuff here. It'll be easy.'
'Piss off or I swear to god I'll just let go.'
'You'll be eaten!'
'I'd rather be eaten!'
'Be that way then!'

Angelica throws her stuff at him and flies off. The wax catches in the monster's teeth and binds them, and the nooses catch on its spines and tangles it up. Rinaldo drops down and tries to kill it with his sword, before eventually giving up and gouging its eyes out with his hands. The monster dispatched, Rinaldo takes stock and finds himself in an oubliette designed to contain a giant and invulnerable monster. Fortunately, he finds Angelica's file, and uses it to escape through a barred window. The hag throws herself off a balcony rather than face Rinaldo's justice. Rinaldo takes one look at Malagigi's boat and heads off inland.

At this point, Astolpho has resolved to answer Charlemagne's question of 'Where the hell are all my knights?' by questing in search of them. He finds himself in the midst of Sacripant's army, heading to relieve Albracca. Sacripant offers to take him into his service, but Astolpho refuses haughtily. Sacripant assumes he's either mad or British, and lets him go.

At a bridge nearby, Astolpho is accosted by the knight Brandimart, Lord of the Sylvan Tower, and his lady. Brandimart wagers his lady on a joust; lacking a lady, Astolpho offers his horse. Astolpho wins, which upsets the lady no end. This in turn upsets Brandimart, and he threatens to kill himself. Astolpho gallantly explains that he doesn't actually want the lady. Brandimart swears eternal gratitude, when Sacripant arrives and offers to joust for both the horse and lady. Astolpho says he'll start since he's already on his horse, and they leave Sacripant in the dust. Astolpho and Brandimart ride out.

The lady at this point realises that they are awfully close to the Waters of Oblivion, and if any damsel should offer them a magic goblet, they should refuse. Sure enough, they arrive at the bridge, and Astolpho does indeed refuse the goblet. Furious, the damsel - actually the fairy Dragontina - sets the bridge on fire. Brandimart's lady takes them down a secret passage and they find themselves in Dragontina's pleasure garden. Dragontina's pleasure garden is full of amnesiac knights, who attack.

Orlando charges Astolpho, who, mounted on Bayardo, flees. The rest of the knights attack Brandimart. Brandimart holds his own, but is slowly overwhelmed. His maiden counsels him to surrender, which he does, and Dragontina forces him to drink the waters of oblivion. Orlando eventually gives up his pursuit of Astolpho and returns to Dragontina to report failure.

Astolpho rides hell for leather to Albracca, where he presents himself to Angelica. Agrican's siege begins. Astolpho offers to prove himself and rides out into the besieging forces. He unhorses many an enemy, but is eventually surrounded and taken.

'Oh, dear,' says Angelica.

Next: The needlessly complicated siege of Albracca.

Hell and Back: Inana's Descent to the Underworld

The Myth: Inana! Stone tablets! Feminine mystery! Unstoppable priest-queens! A Quest for Immortality from the Dawn of Civilisation!
The Book: Inana's Descent to the Netherworld
The Author: Lost to the mists of time, but fertility cultists were probably involved.
This text: This one, a consolidated multi-source translation from what seems to be one of the coolest sites on the internet.
Price: Nothin'.

Inana's Descent to the Netherworld
So Inana goes down into the underworld. It's not actually stated why she goes down into the underworld. She says it's to observe the funeral rites for her sister's husband, but since her sister guards the gate to the underworld this may be a ruse to be allowed through. Later, some divinities declare that she was seeking the divine powers of the underworld, but they're trying to weasel out of their godly duties.

Inana never actually says.

Whatever. It is not important, because the song actually starts with her abandoning everything: heaven, earth, her job, her temples - everything.

She gathers the seven divine powers and gets dressed. Power dressed. A turban. Beads. The garment of ladyship. Sexy mascara (no, really, it's called 'let a man come, let him come'). A sexy breastplate (called 'come, man, come'). Rings. And a lapis lazuli measuring rod and a measuring line.

Most importantly she takes her sidekick Nincubura. Nincubura's role is pretty important: firstly, she's to conduct the funeral rites, which involve a certain amount of self-flagellation, both public and secret. Then, when Inana has been in the underworld for long enough, she's to ask the god Enlil to bring her back. If he won't help, then go to Nanna's temple and ask him. And if that doesn't work, try Enki, who has the life-giving herb and the life-giving water. These gods aren't chosen at random: they're Inana's fathers. Well, Enki's her mother's father. But they're expected to be looking out for her interests.

'And after Enki?'
'After Enki I'm out of divine ancestors.'

Inana arrives at Ganzer, and is met by Neti, doorman of the underworld. She asks to be let through, and he asks why. She says, it's to pay respects to her brother-in-law. Neti goes to ask his mistress, Inana's sister Erec-ki-gala. Erec-ki-gala is skeptical of Inana's stated reasons, and tells Neti to bolt the seven gates. He is to let Inana through one gate at a time, and each time she is to crawl through and have one of her divine accoutrements taken away.

This he does. Inana is all, My turban, really? and Dude, my beads? and Neti is all, Hey, rites of the underworld, lady, you want to mess with the rites of the underworld? Inana arrives in Erec-ki-gala's throne room naked but unbowed, and kicks her sister off the throne and sits on it herself. This offends the judges of the underworld deeply, and they give her the death glare. And then the anger speech. And then the shouting of guilt.

Then they hang her corpse on a hook.

Three days later, Nicubura goes into action. She lacerates herself. She laments her mistress in the ruined houses, in the temples. She dresses in mourning. And she fronts up to Enlil's temple: Please don't let your daughter be killed in the underworld!

Enlil is not happy, figuring she's gone there to steal the divine powers of the underworld, and says, Yeah, look, nobody really comes back from the underworld.

So she goes to Nanna's temple in Urim: Please don't let your daughter be killed in the underworld!

Nanna is likewise unhappy, and likewise says, Yeah, look, nobody really comes back from the underworld.

So she goes to Enki's temple in Eridug: Please don't let your daughter be killed in the underworld!

Enki, at least, is worried. He's proud of his granddaughter and doesn't want her to die in the underworld. He immediately creates two spirit creatures, and gives them the live-giving herb and the live-giving water. Then he sends them off with instructions: they are to go immediately to Erec-ki-gala's palace, sneak through the gates of the underworld, present themselves in the throne room, wait until she complains about her health, and sympathise with her. This is apparently not something that Erec-ki-gala is used to, and she will offer rewards. The spirit-beings must swear her to providing a reward, but they are not under any circumstances to accept rewards of, say, a river full of water or a field full of grain. They are instead to ask for the corpse that's hanging on a hook. After that, it's a simple matter of sprinkling on the life-giving plant and water, and restoring Inana back to life.

An advantage of being one of the elder Babylonian gods is that your foresight is pretty good, and events transpire exactly as Enki predicted. But just as Inana is about to re-enter the land of the living, the judges of the underworld accost her and tell her that people do not just leave the underworld, missy, and that there are rules for this sort of thing. Inana can go on one condition: that someone else is sent back in her place. Two demons are sent with her to make sure this happens, plus a gaggle of little demons. None of them are nice demons, though it's mostly that they are boring people who don't enjoy anything and can't get dates than any actual cruelty.

The first person they meet is Nincubura. Inana says no, not this one. She points out all the self-inflicted mourning injuries, and the grieving garments, and all the praying and god-begging that Nincubura has been doing.

Fine, say the demons. Just fine.

The next person they meet is Cara. The demons are happy to take this one. No way in ... well, wherever, says Inana. This is Cara, who does my nails, does my hair, sings to me. And besides, he's clearly been mourning, because no way would he dress this badly otherwise.

Fine, say the demons. Just fine.

They move on, and come across Lulal, Inana's son. Not this one, says Inana, he's pretty reliable and anyway, he's dressed in mourning clothes like a good boy. No.

Fine, say the demons. But the next one...

The next one is Inana's husband Dumuzid. Dumuzid is seated on a throne and wearing a splendid robe.

'I notice your husband isn't dressed in mourning.'
'I notice that exact same thing.'

Now Inana gives Dumuzid the death glare, and the anger speech, and the shouting of guilt. She tells the demons to take him away. Dumuzid has divine connections of his own, however, and prays to Utu, his brother-in-law. Utu turns him into a pile of snakes, who escape.

The translation gets pretty fragmentary at this point, but Inana is more upset by the loss of her husband than she thought she'd be, and mourns. A fly helps Inana find her husband and is, in return, blessed with a destiny that will forever involve beer-houses and taverns. Dumuzid ends up time-sharing his sentence with his sister, so that each of them is in the underworld for half the year. Pomegranates are not involved at any point.

And the translation ends with a prayer to Erec-ki-gala, because obviously.

He Who Saw the Deep: The Epic of Gilgamesh

The Myth: Gilgamesh! Enkidu! Humbaba! Scorpion men! A Quest for Immortality from the Dawn of Civilisation!
The Book: The Epic of Gilgamesh
The Author: Lost to the mists of time, but the tablets were copied by countless, countless students.
This text: A 1999 translation by Andrew George
Price: The tag says $7.95 (Penguin) - free versions are available at ancienttexts.org and sacred-texts.com.

The Epic of Gilgamesh

So Gilgamesh - two thirds god and one third human - is the king of Uruk-the-Sheepfold, and he's a totally awesome king. Everyone agrees on this. He rebuilt the walls of Uruk. He's conquered all the lands.

If there's a problem, it's that he's a little too awesome. He wins all the games. He beats up all the young men. He sleeps with all the girls, usually on their wedding night. The people of Uruk pray to the gods, asking if perhaps they might divert some of their king's mighty energies.

This seems reasonable to the gods, and they make Gilgamesh a playmate. The goddess Aruru takes a pinch of clay and lets it loose in the wilderness. This is Enkidu, who grows up surrounded by wild beasts and is terribly, terribly hairy.

One day, a hunter comes across Enkidu at a watering hole. Enkidu rapidly becomes a problem, undoing all his snares and setting free all the beasts. The hunter asks his dad for his advice. The advice is: go to Uruk, tell the king, and bring back Shamhat the Harlot.

'Dad, what am I going to do about the wild man?'
'Introduce him to the benefits of civilisation.'
'Literacy and reason?'
'Ale and whores!'

The hunter follows this advice to the letter. He explains to Shamhat that the plan is for her to seduce Enkidu so that the herdbeasts spurn him. Shamhat - a professional - sets about slaking Enkidu's lusts.

This takes a week. At the end of that week, Enkidu is no longer welcome among the herdbeasts, but has learned reason and wide understanding. Shamhat is just that good.

Shamhat gets Enkidu a job as a watchman for some herdsmen, and they give him bread and ale. One of them is invited to a wedding, and tells Enkidu about the king's practice of droit-de-seigneur. Enkidu is outraged, and makes for Uruk. He confronts Gilgamesh in the marketplace, and they fight.

But not for very long. Gilgamesh realises that Enkidu is the man of his dreams - literally, he's been dreaming about rocks and axes and things - and introduces him to his mother, the goddess Ninsun. Ninsun is more than happy to take Enkidu into her family, and adopts him on the spot. And then Gilgamesh makes a proposition.

'Dude! You're awesome! Let's go kill an invincible ogre together!'
'...what?'
'C'mon! It'll be awesome!'

Literally everyone thinks that taking on the ogre Humbaba is a bad idea, up to and including Enkidu. His voice is the Deluge, they say. His voice is fire, they say. His breath is death, they say.

Pish and tosh, says Gilgamesh.

He has like seven divine auras, they say. He's been divinely appointed to guard the forest of cedar, they say.

Who's king? says Gilgamesh.

So he and Enkidu gear up, forging a bunch of axes and knives and so on. Ninsun entreats the god Shamash to buffet Humbaba at the right time with thirteen winds.

It's not a particularly fun trip out, with Gilgamesh waking up from nightmares every midnight. Enkidu builds him a house of the dream god each night, and he's pretty sure the omens are good. And eventually they're able to ambush Humbaba in the cedar grove, with only two of his auras. And then it turns out that Humbaba and Enkidu knew each other of old.

'Hey, Enkidu, long time no see. Remember all those times I didn't eat you?'
'Uh...'
'Who's your friend? With all the axes and spears and knives and...oh. Dude. Not cool.'

Thanks to Shamash's winds and Humbaba's lack of auras, Gilgamesh and Enkidu get the better of Humbaba. The ogre begs Enkidu for his life, but Enkidu freaks out at the thought of him seeking revenge later on, and urges Gilgamesh to kill him. Quickly, before the gods find out, because oh, shit they're going to be in trouble. Gilgamesh smites him in the neck. Victory!

Except for the death curse. Humbaba curses Gilgamesh and Enkidu to die young. Still, they go home to Uruk, thinking that everything is probably fine.

There's a brief interlude where Ishtar falls in love with Gilgamesh. When Gilgamesh points out that Ishtar's lovers don't tend to fare very well in the post-Ishtar relationship phase, she sends the Great Bull of Heaven to smash Uruk. Gilgamesh and Enkidu fight and kill the bull. Ishtar complains, and Enkidu throws a leg of beef at her. The horns are made into ceremonial oil flasks for Gilgamesh's patron god Lugalbanda. Gilgamesh tells everyone how great he is.

Then Enkidu falls sick and dies. He hates every minute of it: he feels that he should probably die in battle rather than just get sick like normal people. Gilgamesh agrees: it sucks. But it turns out there's nothing to be done.

But wait, thinks Gilgamesh. If Enkidu can die a boring normal person death, so can I. This is intolerable!

The Babylonians know of exactly two people who have never died: the survivors of the Deluge, Uta-napishti and his wife. Gilgamesh sets off in search of them. Eventually he finds the cave at the edge of the world that the sun travels through, guarded by fearsome scorpion-men, whose gaze is death.

These scorpion-men turn out to be the nicest death-gazing terrifying monstrosities in all of mythology. When they find out that Gilgamesh is looking for Uta-napishti and therefore immortality, they tell him that it's probably a bad idea and he should really just go home. When Gilgamesh insists, they let him through, warning that he should probably travel through the cave before sunrise, because, you know, sun.

Through the tunnel, Gilgamesh comes to the shore at the edge of the world, where there's a pub. The innkeeper, Shiduri, sees him coming and, thinking he's bad news, bolts the doors. Gilgamesh threatens to force his way in, and demands to know why he's been locked out. Shiduri tells him he looks like bad news. Why shouldn't I look like bad news, says Gilgamesh. My friend died, I'm going to die, and I've been wandering the wilderness looking for immortality.

Ah, says Shiduri, you want Ur-shanabi, the boatman of Uta-napishti. Gilgamesh thanks her and is on his way.

Down at the seaside, he sees the boatman surrounded by stone men. He heroically sweeps down and smashes them all. He then asks the boatman if he can ferry him across to see Uta-napishti.

Sure, says Ur-shanabi, if you hadn't just smashed my oarsmen to pieces. He tells Gilgamesh to collect three hundred ludicrously long wooden poles, because he's going to have to punt his way across the ocean. The boatman does try and dissuade Gilgamesh from his quest, saying that he'd really be better off going home and enjoying the rest of his days. Gilgamesh says he's on a quest for immortality, and it's immortality he's going to quest for.

They punt most of the way over the Ocean of Death before running out of poles, and then Gilgamesh makes a sail out of their clothing to make it the rest of the way.

They meet Uta-napishti on his island. Uta-napishti the Distant is an ordinary looking bloke, and Gilgamesh asks him how he came by his immortality. Uta-napishti tells his story: in the days long ago, the gods thought that humans had become a bit too unruly, and decide to wipe them out with a flood. The god Ea works out that wiping out the race that feeds, clothes, worships and otherwise supports the gods might not be the wisest of ideas, and recommends that Uta-napishti build a really big boat. Uta-napishti does so, and fills it with breeding pairs of all the animals he can find, as well as masters of all the crafts, not to mention his family and his worldly goods. When the Deluge hits, the gods themselves are frightened, and start to wonder if this flood thing was such a great idea. But Uta-napishti and his people are safe, not least because he had the foresight to bring more than two cows.

Eventually the floodwaters recede, and Uta-napishti burns a sacrifice to the gods. Enlil, chief of the gods and architect of the Deluge, is absolutely furious and makes to wipe out the survivors. However, Ea points out that this would be really very very stupid, as these are now the last surviving humans, in a god-blighted wasteland.

Ah, says Enlil.

So the decision is taken to award Uta-napishti and his wife with immortality, as long as they agree to live in exile so that nobody realises what a colossal cock-up the gods nearly made.

Uta-napishti says that he'll provide the secret of immortality to Gilgamesh - but first he has to prove that he has what it takes to conquer Death. He asks him to first show that he can conquer Sleep, and stay awake for six days and seven nights.

Gilgamesh agrees to the challenge. Then he dozes off almost immediately, and sleeps for a week.

Ah well, says Uta-napishti.

Uta-napishti tells Gilgamesh to clean himself up and go home and be a king again, and provides extravagant clothes to that purpose. At his wife's urging, he also gives him a parting gift: a plant that doesn't provide immortality but does a pretty good approximation of eternal youth. Then he tells Ur-shanabi to take him home.

They're nearly there when a snake steals the plant, leaving Gilgamesh with nothing at all except the wisdom of his travels.

Still, he says as he approaches his Uruk-the-Sheepfold, there is truly no place like home.

'Those walls were built by a genius.'

 --

So this one was a lot of fun. I'm particularly taken with the bits of Babylonian mythology from the introduction and the text, which show the Babylonian gods as pretty darn fallible. For example, in order to create humans, they need to imbue their clay with the blood of a god. Instead of, say, all cutting their fingers or something, they decide to execute the leader of a godly rebellion because hey, two birds, one stone.

It doesn't occur to them until much later that imbuing their servitor race with the blood of a treacherous troublemaker might have been a bad idea...

All for One: The Three Musketeers

The Myth: Intrigue! Adventure! Swordplay! Gunplay! All for one and one for all!
The Book: The Three Musketeers
The Author: Alexandre Dumas (1844)
This text: 2013 translation by Will Hobson
Price: $14.99 (Vintage - Gutenberg has a free version which is probably the William Barrow translation, from ca. 1846)

So I enjoyed this one a lot. It's a much more modern novel than the other things I've been reading, historically-based but mostly fictional. There's a lot of fun in Dumas' writing and, especially, his characters - some of which were a complete surprise to me.

The Three Musketeers


The novel follows young adventurer d'Artagnan for the first half and young villainess Milady de Winter for the second. When d'Artagnan heads off to Paris to seek his fortune his dad gives him some advice, which is to fight everyone he can, because fighting his awesome.

'Wait, isn't duelling illegal?'
'That makes it twice as awesome!'

D'Artagnan follows this advice pretty well, managing to get into an inconclusive tussle before he ever makes it to Paris, with a stranger who insults his horse. This is Count Rochefort, one of the Cardinal's minions, but we don't find that out for quite a while.

I honestly expected Rochefort to be more of a foil to d'Artagnan, but he really only turns up occasionally to move the plot along. Apparently he's more important in the sequel, though the epilogue has he and d'Artagnan becoming great friends.

It is d'Artagnan's lifelong ambition to join the Musketeers, so the first thing he does is front up at the house of Monsieur Treville, Captain Awesome of the Musketeers. Treville is a consummate politician as well as a dashing swordsman, and represents everything a young Gascon should aspire to.

Treville is never less than awesome wherever he turns up - he's canny, he's witty, he's manipulative. He's supportive of his men, loyal to the king and vexing to the Cardinal. Dumas' introductory description:

'...despite the swingeing swordplay that gives a soldier his stiff-hipped gait, and the endless, gruelling drills, he had become one of the most feted socialites, one of the most discriminating ladies' men, and one of the most honeyed and most delicate wordspinners of his age. ... Thus the captain of the musketeers was admired, feared and loved, which constitutes the apogee of human fortune.'

Alas, d'Artagnan's aspirations must wait a little longer: he must distinguish himself by service or valour before he can join the Musketeers.

The next thing he does is follow his dad's advice some more, and rapidly insults three musketeers in quick succession - Athos, Porthos and Aramis - and each challenges him to a duel. These three are great friends and inseparable companions, so when d'Artagnan fronts up to his twelve o'clock, he's a bit surprised to find his one o'clock and two o'clock there with him. He offers a quick apology to Porthos and Aramis: since Athos is most likely to kill him, he regrets that he may miss his later appointments.

Happily, the duel is interrupted by the arrival of the Cardinal's guard, who want to arrest them for duelling but are actually happy to simply fight them for rivalry reasons. D'Artagnan instinctively joins on the side of the Musketeers, and acquits himself so well that the three Musketeers forgive him his insults and take him into their brotherhood. When the Musketeers are hauled before the King to explain why they've killed and injured several members of the Cardinal's guard, Treville spins it in a way that was absolutely about the honour of the King and the Musketeers. He makes d'Artagnan the hero of the hour, and the King ends up rewarding him with a purse of monies and a commission in the King's Guards under Treville's brother-in-law.

'Hey, Athos, Porthos, Aramis: I've been given some money by the king. How should I invest it?'
'Big dinner. Lots of wine."
'You need a valet, or you'll look like a poor person.'
'What you really need is a mistress!'
'Right you all are!'

One of my absolute favourite sequences in the book is in Chapter VII: The Musketeers at Home. The chapter provides character sketches of each of the Musketeers: dour, silent Athos, who only speaks when he has information of great moment to impart; the extravagant peacock Porthos, who makes a big show of living large with no visible means of support; and sneaky bugger Aramis, who pretends to be a pious priest-in-waiting while covertly intriguing on behalf of his lover, who is intriguing on behalf of the queen.

The chapter also introduces the Musketeers' valets - Grimaud, who Athos has trained to remain silent and respond to eyebrow gestures; Mousqueton, who happily serves the magnanimous Porthos for board and clothing, as long as he gets two hours a day to do actual paid work; and Bizan, a saintly man who intends to follow Aramis into holy orders, any day now. Porthos recruits a valet for d'Artagnan: the stout Planchet, who serves loyally and faithfully after an instructive beating early in their relationship.

D'Artagnan, with his newfound friends, soon finds himself embroiled in Intrigue. This initially manifests as a request from his landlord, Monsieur Bonacieux, to rescue his wife from kidnappers. It turns out that Madame Bonacieux has been kidnapped by agents of the Cardinal, because she was involved in a plot to smuggle the Queen's lover into Paris for a quick ... well, nothing more than a quick chat. Before long, Athos is arrested on suspicion of being d'Artagnan, the Duke of Buckingham has left Paris in possession of two of the Queen's diamonds, Monsieur Bonacieux had become a paid informant to the Cardinal,  d'Artagnan is madly in love with his landlord's wife, and is also possession of said Cardinal's said payoff to said landlord.

Constance Bonacieux is a vaguely frustrating character: she's quick-witted, spirited and flirty, and she's offstage for almost all of the book. D'Artagnan is thus motivated by love for someone he's spent twelve and a half minutes interacting with. Although, to be fair, Constance is likewise motivated, recommending d'Artagnan to the Queen for intrigue-related services, and, when we eventually get to see her again at the end of the book, pining for him. 

The uber-plot is probably worth mentioning at this point. The Duke of Buckingham, effective ruler of England, is in love with the Queen of France, Anne of Austria. Cardinal de Richelieu, effective ruler of France, is likewise in love with the Queen of France. The Queen of France is, however, married to the King of France, who is not particularly in love with her. The Queen of France is in love with the Duke of Buckingham, but unwilling to commit because of the damage it will do to France. She is certainly not in love with Cardinal de Richelieu. The Cardinal, having lost Anne of Austria to the King of France, isn't prepared to lose her again to the Duke of Buckingham, and seeks to (a) defeat him in battle or (b) have him assassinated, and if in either course he is able to weaken the King and take over France, so much the better. The King of France doesn't want to lose face by losing either his wife or chunks of France, but is otherwise fairly indifferent.

I found it interesting that the Cardinal of the novel is far more duke than priest, and not actually all that evil. I mean, he's a scheming villain and all, but he's a patriot and a tactician, and he treats the boys with respect when he comes across them. His attitude towards d'Artagnan - and to the other Musketeers - is largely that he wants them working for him.  He's the King's rival more than his enemy.

Anyway, all of this means that when the Duke of Buckingham leaves France with two of the Queen's diamonds from a set of twelve, it's of vital importance to the Cardinal to get them back to humiliate the Queen and weaken the King, and it's of vital importance to the Queen to get them back so as not to be humiliated. Milady de Winter is the Cardinal's minion for the task. Treville tasks the Musketeers with stopping her, and d'Artagnan is in charge.

'You need any cash?'
'Nah, just stole a bag of the Cardinal's gold from my landlord.'
'Right-o.'

Athos, Porthos and Aramis are picked off one by one by the Cardinal's minions and assorted passersby, but d'Artagnan makes it to England in time to alert the Duke. Milady has already stolen the diamonds, but the Duke imprisons an Irish artisan to make replacements. D'Artagnan hurries back to Paris and arrives just in time for the Queen to wear the full set of diamonds. Face is saved! The Cardinal is vexed! Victory on all points! D'Artagnan is rewarded with the sight of his beloved, a ring from the Queen and the promise of a commission in the Musketeers (which he doesn't actually take up until several chapters later, after Milady's captivity sequence).

D'Artagnan then follows up on what happened to his comrades. Porthos is holed up in an inn with a bullet wound, with the innkeeper starting to ask serious questions about the bill. His usual source of income - his mistress, a prosecutor's wife - has dried up in a fit of jealousy. Aramis is arguing theology with a Jesuit and a priest, in preparation for finally joining the priesthood. This is less to do with his religious feeling and more that he's missed a message from his mistress and thinks she's abandoned him. Athos is holed up in a tavern cellar, drinking all the wine and eating all the ham, and shooting at anyone who tries to get him out, or who tries to take out any wine or ham. They're all more or less content to continue slouching, philosophising and drinking indefinitely, but d'Artagnan rounds them up, sorts them out and brings them home. However, in his cups, Athos does fill him in on his backstory - there was this girl... It's a sad, sad story of love and betrayal, and ends with Athos putting his wife in a noose. She deserved it, he says, and that's why Athos never has a mistress and is so grumpy all the time.

At this point the plot would probably grind to a halt, if d'Artagnan had enough of a sense of self-preservation to avoid poking the hornet's nest that is Milady de Winter. Ostensibly, he does this because she's his only lead to finding Constance, who's been kidnapped again. By impersonating Milady's lover in the dark, and by shameless abusing her maid's trust (and her maid), d'Artagnan aggressively gets himself seduced, and steals one of her rings. He shows it to Athos, who says that it appears to be one of his own rings, that went missing about the time that he murdered his wife.

D'Artagnan returns to confront Milady, and exposes her shoulder in the tussle - she's a branded criminal! Just like Athos' late wife! Revelation!

Meanwhile, the Musketeers have been called up for war, because England is invading. This means they need to outfit themselves, which means having to find a lot of money in a hurry. Porthos and Aramis wheedle some out of their mistresses - though Aramis claims to have sold some poems - and Athos, having decided to do nothing and trust in fate, finds himself in possession of one of his old rings via d'Artagnan. All is well, and they ship out to La Rochelle.

England is invading, incidentally, because the Duke of Buckingham wants to rescue Anne of Austria from her marriage. He doesn't intend to conquer France; he just hopes that the Queen will form part of the settlement package at the peace talks.

Assassins disguised as soldiers attempt to assassinate d'Artagnan on a reconnaissance mission. He kills one and wins over the other with a promise not to kill him. Then a crate of poison wine turns up purporting to be from Athos, Porthos and Aramis. Only the timely arrival of the musketeers and the untimely death of his new assassin-friend save d'Artagnan from a fate exactly the same as death. Athos says he's pretty sure the assassins and the wine came from Milady, and d'Artagnan allows that she may actually be completely batshit evil after all.

On the way home from a late night at the pub - warfare being a fairly relaxed affair except for the actual shooting - the Musketeers come across the Cardinal. Because he's intriguing and doesn't want them telling anyone, the Cardinal co-opts them as guards and has them take him to another pub. He's meeting with Milady in an upstairs room. The boys overhear her mission: go to England and assassinate Buckingham. After the Cardinal has left, Athos goes up to confront Milady, and takes the this-person-has-my-complete-authority-to-do-whatever-it-takes-for-France papers the Cardinal had given her.

Now: the Cardinal is the military mastermind defending France from an English invasion and he's sending his top agent on a mission to neutralise the enemy general. I'm not entirely sure why the King's Musketeers take it into their heads to thwart this particular plot, particularly since neither the King's nor the Queen's honour is at stake. It seems to be simply on general principles: if the Cardinal and Milady are involved, it's pretty much automatically evil. So they consult with d'Artagnan - arranging a private discussion under enemy fire in a disputed bastion, so they're not overheard - and decide to send Planchet to England to warn the Duke via Milady's brother-in-law, who d'Artagnan happened to meet in a duel earlier.

The plucky valet achieves his mission, getting to Lord de Winter before Milady is able to come ashore. His Lordship has her picked up and imprisoned in his castle. He has a grudge: Milady seduced, married, and quite probably murdered his younger brother.

We spend quite a bit of time with Milady from here on out, as she slowly seduces and corrupts her brother-in-law's incorruptible Puritan lieutenant, Felton. Lord de Winter has set up the perfect prison: Milady is not to talk to anyone, especially anyone who might conceivably be seduced. But in a very long and really rather intense sequence, Milady manages it: Felton goes from Milord's stoic and loyal lieutenant to Milady's fervent defender. He busts Milady out of the castle and puts her aboard a ship. Then he goes off to assassinate Buckingham, having been absolutely convinced that he's the kind of monster that ruins young women and gets his mates to imprison them in castles. He realises his error too late - when he sets off to rendezvous with Milady's ship, she's already buggered off to France. Duke assassinated! Self free! Victory on all points!

The assassination of Buckingham means that the invasion is thwarted and everyone starts heading home. Through correspondence with Aramis' mistress, the boys learn that Constance has been rescued from her captivity and has been sent to a convent to recuperate. Shortly afterwards, they learn through a chance meeting with Rochefort that Milady has gone to that same convent to lay low. Calamity! D'Artagnan rides off to the rescue, closely followed by his friends. On the way they meet up with Lord de Winter, seeking revenge for the assassination of the Duke and the presumed execution of Felton for treason. Meanwhile, Milady meets Constance and learns that she has her eye on a certain dashing young Musketeer. She starts formulating an elaborate revenge plot involving Constance as a patsy, but suddenly there are Musketeers at the gate so she simply poisons her.

In a modern novel, Constance would have been rescued. I won't lie: my sensibilities were shaken.

Milady runs off into the woods, with the Musketeers in pursuit, Athos only pausing long enough to pick up a mysterious man in red. They track Milady down to a house on the outskirts of a border town, and take her captive. The man in the red cloak is revealed as the executioner who originally had Milady branded. With the testimony of Athos, Lord de Winter, and the recently bereaved d'Artagnan, and Porthos' and Aramis' supporting testimony re: assassins and poison wine, he agrees to execute her.

The sentence is carried out on a boat in the middle of a river.

Back in Paris, d'Artagnan is called before the Cardinal to account for the mysterious disappearance of his top agent. D'Artagnan tells the story, and when the Cardinal asks his authority, he presents Milady's whatever-it-takes papers, signed by the Cardinal himself.

I see, says the Cardinal.

Richelieu thanks d'Artagnan for removing an unreliable, unpredictable and untrustworthy element from his network, and presents him with a reward: a recommendation for a lieutenancy in the Musketeers, with the name blank. D'Artagnan offers it to Athos, Porthos and Aramis in turn, but each refuses. Treville is pleased to accept him as a lieutenant, and they all live happily ever after.

Or, at least, for twenty years, because the sequel is called Twenty Years After.