The Mythic Read: marphisa is awesome

Showing posts with label marphisa is awesome. Show all posts

Friday, 7 October 2016

Ragin' Roland X: The End

"Sure, guys. Wasn't asking you, but whatever."

Orlando gives Rogero back his arms and horse, plus one of the magic swords. (I'm not sure which, I've lost track.)

Everyone returns home - Astolpho via Ethiopia, by hippogriff - and Rogero is taken to introduced to Charlemagne. His parentage is established and he is welcomed as a son.

Well, a nephew.

Well, technically kin.

Rogero is overjoyed to see his sister - and delighted to see Bradamante. They embrace.

This confuses Charlemagne considerably, because he and Duke Aymon, Bradamante's father, have just promised the Emperor of Greece that she'll marry his son, Leo.

One last wrinkle
There is a conversation. Rinaldo patiently explains to his father that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Orlando patiently explains to his uncle that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Olivier and Sobrino weigh in, patiently explaining that everyone has agreed that Bradamante can marry Rogero. Aymon patiently explains to his son and nephew and everyone else that they can fuck off.

Bradamante's mother Beatrice explains that an Emperor's son is better than some random vagrant ex-Saracen knight. She is not patient.

Bradamante is torn between filial duty and her love for Rogero. She's actually a bit shocked that no-one is listening to Rinaldo and Orlando: surely if those two fuckheads agree on something, people should pay attention.

Rogero weighs up his options. These are:

Ride real quick to Greece and try to explain things to Emperor Constantine.
Kill Aymon.
2a. Kill everyone who tries to kill him for killing Aymon, up to and including Rinaldo and possibly including Bradamante.
Kill Leo.
Kill himself.
Give up the whole thing in despair.

He opts for option 3. Crucially, he leaves without discussing the situation with Bradamante.

Bradamante, meanwhile, goes to Charlemagne.

Am I, or am I not, a fucking knight, she says.

What's your point, he says.

I want a boon, she says.

Sure, he says, what do you want?

I'm not marrying any fucker who can't beat me in combat, she says.

That's fair enough, actually, says the king.

Aymon and Beatrice are not at all pleased. They lock Bradamante in a tower. Technically, she's free to go any time she wants, but they tell her they'll be very disappointed if she leaves.

And when Charlemagne announces the boon to the court, Bradamante immediately wants to tell Rogero.

Except he's fucked off without telling anyone.

Fuck, she says. The fucking fucker.

Eastward ho!
Having decided to kill Leo, Rogero heads east. He finds himself near Belgrade, where the Greek army is engaged with the Bulgars. The Greeks are trying to bridge the Save, and the Bulgars are stopping them. However, the Greek army is a hell of a lot bigger than the Bulgarian one, so while the Bulgar's king Vatran is stopping the main army, Leo takes a force the long way round and charges their flank.

Vadran does not survive. The Bulgar army starts to rout.

Rogero sees his chance: he rides in and rallies the breaking Bulgars. He runs his lance through one of Constantine's nephews, and through sheer manliness and valour turns the tide of the battle.

Leo, watching from a nearby tower, is pretty damned impressed by what he sees. I mean, sure, this guy is on the wrong side, but what an artist! What a genius! What a manly and valorous man!

The Bulgars are victorious and the Greeks retreat. Rather than hang around and have the boring adoration of the Bulgars impede his prevenge, Rogero decides to press on into Belgrade. He takes to an inn, where a Greek soldier promptly recognises his livery and runs off to the local lord, Ungiardo. Ungiardo waits until he's asleep, and captures him.

Emperor Constantine is delighted that this brand new hero of the Bulgars has been delivered to him so quickly. So is his sister Theodora, whose son was killed by Rogero in the battle. Constantine hands Rogero over to Theodora, who has him tortured and imprisoned.

A debt of honour
Leo learns that Rogero has been captured, and is being held by his demented aunt.

This isn't right, he thinks. He bribes the guard and strangles the torturer, and releases Rogero.

Leo's rescue count: +1

Hi, he says, I'm Leo and I think you're awesome.

Fuck, says Rogero, I guess I owe you my life. Fuck.

Leo explains that, if this is a life debt situation, he has a problem that Rogero can help with.

See, he says, my father got me engaged to this French knight, and she won't marry anyone who can't beat her in combat, and, look, she sounds like a complete fucking psycho.

Only, he adds, you're completely fucking awesome - can you disguise yourself as me and fight her for me?

Sure, says Rogero, I guess I have to. Fuck.

A fight for love and glory
Leo and Rogero head back to France. A tourney is arranged. Rogero opts to start with sword - not because Bradamante has a magic invincible lance, but because he doesn't want her to recognise his horse Frontino. He's also careful to take a sword which isn't his normal magical one.

The battle begins, and Bradamante does not hold back. She assails the presumed Leo viciously; only the fact that Rogero is completely encased in unbreakable armour saves him. He's careful to look like he's fighting, but he doesn't want to land a serious blow.

Charlemagne and court are terribly impressed at this Greek's fortitude. Eventually, some time after sunset, the king says he reckons that's enough. While technically he was supposed to beat her, not dying is actually probably sufficient. Bradamante must marry Leo.

Rogero goes back to Leo and tells him that he's won, and then goes sulking off into the forest. Bradamante, meanwhile, considers her options. These are:

Kill Aymon and Beatrice and probably Charlemagne
Kill Leo
Kill herself.

She opts for plan 3, and starts sharpening her knives.

This pisses Marphisa off no end, and she goes and confronts Charlemagne.

You fucking suck, she says, Rogero and Bradamante were totally married in secret beforehand in front of me and I am totally a witness.

Charlemagne calls Bradamante down and asks her if it's true; Bradamante is evasive. Orlando and Rinaldo declare that they are totally convinced by Marphisa's totally plausible story. Aymon declares that he is not.

Well fuck you lot, says Marphisa, if this fucking Greek wants to marry my sister-in-law I'll fucking kill him myself.

A resolution at last
Someone explains to Leo that he's going to need to fight Marphisa.

Fuuuck, says Leo. He takes off in desperate search of Rogero, his champion.

He finds Melissa instead.

Melissa explains that Rogero is probably dying of grief. She explains why.

Well that fucking sucks, says Leo.

Melissa leads Leo through the forest to where Rogero is, curled up in the foetal position.

Hey, man, says Leo gently, have you got something to say?

Hey, says Rogero.

Rogero explains everything; how he rode to Hungary to kill Leo, how he got captured and rescued himself, how he acted as champion so that Leo could marry Bradamante, and how fucked up the whole thing is.

You should have fucking said something, man, says Leo, I didn't really want to marry her anyway.

Leo says that the whole thing is political from his point of view, to ally the Greek empire with Charlemagne's kingdom. He says he really doesn't want to let politics get in the way of his best friend's happiness.

Look, he says, you should totally marry Bradamante - you earned it and everything.

Also, he adds, I don't want to fight your fucking psycho sister.

Melissa, Leo and Rogero ride back to Paris. On the way, they meet an emissary from the Bulgars who is looking for Rogero.

Hey look, says the Bulgar, you were awesome back in that battle back there, like amazing, and since we don't exactly have a king at the moment, we were wondering if you'd be up for the gig?

Sure, says Leo, he'd love to.

Leo takes Rogero back to Charlemagne and says: Look, this guy actually won the fight with Bradamante, and guess what, he's the king of Bulgaria and a close personal friend of the Greek crown prince.

Leo tells the story of Rogero's valour back at Belgrade, and explains how he came to be fighting on behalf of the son of the Greek emperor. Everyone is terribly impressed; even Beatrice relents when she learns that Rogero is a king.

Bradamante and Rogero are finally married. Rogero swears fealty to Charlemagne, Melissa blesses the marital bed, and everyone is happy - even if the prophecy says it won't last.

The end.

One last battle
Well, almost.

Just as everyone is settling down to live happily ever after, Rodomont turns up. He accuses Rogero of abandoning his king, and demands satisfaction. They fight; Rodomont is stronger and dominates the duel, until Rogero is able to use a fancy wrestling move to slam Rodomont to the ground. Rogero demands Rodomont yield; Rodomont does not.

So Rodomont dies at Rogero's hand.

The end, for real.

Final rescue tally:

Astolpho: 14
Melissa: 12
Rogero: 9
Bradamante: 7
Angelica: 7
Orlando: 3
Marphisa: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Leo: 1

--
Well, this was...epic. It was fun, it was funny, it was exciting, it was absolutely fascinating. There was the sense that the poet Ariosto was enjoying himself. I developed a real affection for the characters, especially stoic, heroic Bradamante; gleefully violent Marphisa; bold, good-natured Astolpho; and stupid, stupid Rogero. I loved the little knots and threads of criss-crossing storylines, and the singing and fighting and monsters and allegories and allusions and digressions and just the grandness, the knight-in-shining-armour-ness of it all.

I do wonder if I'm doing Bradamante an injustice by summarising ten verses of poetical lamentation as "Fuck the fucking fucker!" but fuck it, she's never a wilting maiden; she's a knight, first and foremost, and she has to put up with some serious bullshit.

Next: Gold and Germans.

Thursday, 30 June 2016

Ragin' Roland VIII: Allegory, Violence and Family Values

"This is great! With fruits like these, no wonder our forefathers couldn't resist!"
"We don't talk about those two, Astolpho."

The next morning, John explains to Astolpho that the problem is Orlando: Orlando isn't smiting Saracens as he should, he's off mooning over some foreign princess. Who isn't even a Christian.

So, says Astolpho, I should go give him a good talking to?

No, says John, we need you to go to the moon.

The prophets load the saint and the paladin into a flaming chariot, and send them into orbit.

A knight on the moon (and a word from our sponsor)
The moon is rather more crowded than Astolpho expected, since it's filled with all the things that have been lost on Earth. There are lakes of lovers' tears, bladders full of sighs, piles of old crowns, and so on. John patiently explains all the symbolism, but Astolpho confesses that it's all going over his head. Disappointed, John pulls out a bottle labelled "Orlando's wit" and gives it to Astolpho.

"There's a lot of flasks up here."
"There's a lot of stupid folk down there."

On the way down, John pops in to say hello to the Fates, busily weaving everyone's destiny. John offers Astolpho a bit of future history, and takes him onward past some allegorical geography.

But the most important lesson that John the Apostle, John the Evangelist has for Astolpho is this:

Poets are awesome. Poets are special. Where would we be without poets? Poets are the only reliable source of immortality since antiquity. Do you need a poet to tell the story of your glory? If you're thinking everlasting worldly fame, think: Poets! Poets - they're pretty great.
PS Please remember to pay your poet.

Thanks, says Astolpho, but I don't feel that was directed at me.

Bradamante at the bridge
Bradamante is still wandering, disconsolate. She has a vague idea to track down Rogero and kill him for his apparent faithlessness, but really she's just miserable.

Flordelice is also miserable, since her Brandimart was captured by Rodomont and imprisoned in a tower. But Flordelice has a mission: find a knight who can defeat Rodomont and free all the tower's captives.

Flordelice is happy to see Bradamante.

Bradamante is happy to have a fight on her hands.

The two ride to the bridge where, sure enough, they are confronted by Rodomont, who explains that he is fighting knights to take their armour and display it on the tower in tribute to the beautiful Isabella, who he murdered.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever fucking heard, says Bradamante.

It's perfectly valid, says Rodomont.

Bradamante says: A better tribute would be to defeat Isabella's murderer in combat and lock him in a tower, which is what I'm going to do.

You're hot, says Rodomont, if I defeat you can I marry you?

Get fucked, you cockwomble, says Bradamante.

They fight.

Bradamante goes into this fight knowing that Rodomont is pretty much the scariest Saracen on the board, but she's ok with that because she's pretty fed up with everything right now. She doesn't actually know that Astolpho's golden lance is magical. It is, though.

Rodomont is unhorsed, and knocked into the middle of the bridge. Bradamante's horse Rabican actually has to dance around the edge of the bridge to avoid trampling him. (Bradamante is nothing if not honourable.)

Rodomont stands up, a little dumbfounded, takes his armour off, and orders his squires to release the prisoners. Bradamante hangs his armour on the tower. The arms on display show that Brandimart, Sansonet and Olivier have been defeated, and a handful of unnamed Saracen knights. The knights themselves are not here. (It's mentioned that Sacripant's arms are here; there was a challenge involving the horse Frontino. Rodomont defeated him and took his arms, but didn't imprison him as a courtesy to a fellow king.)

Bradamante's rescue count: +0

Bradamante asks Flordelice where's she's going next. Flordelice says she's going to head to Arles, where the Saracens are, and maybe get a boat to Africa to find Brandimart.

Bradamante has a bit of a think, and then says that she'll ride with her a part of the way. She gives Flordelice Rodomont's horse, and says, look, there's something I want you to do.

Bradamante's instructions are as follows: Flordelice is to go into the Saracen camp and find Rogero. She's to give Rogero back the horse Frontino, and say that it's a gift from an anonymous knight. Then she's to say that the knight in question thinks Rogero is a faithless arsehole, and wants him to be properly equipped for their imminent duel.

"Call him a stupid fucker if you want to."

Bradamante on the plain
Flordelice faithfully carries out the mission, and delivers both Frontino and the challenge to Rogero.

Rogero says, what the fuck?

Like, there's a lot of knights who want to fight Rogero, but he's on first name terms with them, plus they're all on his own side.

It's probably Rodomont, thinks Rogero, but why would Rodomont give me his horse?

Meanwhile, Bradamante is on the plain, shouting out a challenge.

Send Serpentine, says Agramant.

Serpentine gets pasted.

Send Grandonio, says Marsillius.

Grandonio gets pasted.

Look, says Bradamante, we could do this all day - could you send out someone worth fighting?

This pisses Grandonio off, so he has another go.

Grandonio gets pasted again.

I'm serious, says Bradamante.

By now the Saracens are speculating about who this knight actually is. Brandimart, probably, they think. Maybe Rinaldo.

Possibly even Orlando.

Ferrau says that he'll have a go.

You're not who I came to fight, says Bradamante, but at least you're worth fighting.

Ferrau asks, Who do you want to fight?

Rogero, says Bradamante.

Well, says Ferrau, if you win I'll tell him.

Also, says Ferrau, you're very pretty.

Ferrau gets pasted but doesn't mind, since he thinks he's fighting an actual angel.

Ferrau seeks out Rogero. I don't know who that guy is, says Ferrau, but he's really pretty and he wants to fight you.

Well then, says Rogero, let's fight.

Bradamante, Marphisa, and the battle of Arles
Rogero suits up, and is really keen to fight. The other Saracens ask Ferrau if it's Rinaldo out there.

It's not Rinaldo, says Ferrau, but it could be his little brother - except that everyone knows that Richardetto's crap.

Someone says, doesn't Rinaldo have a sister?

Holy shit, says Rogero.

Meanwhile, however, Marphisa has heard that there's a Christian champion looking for fights, and no-one has asked her. And, she reasons, Rogero will probably beat him and then there's no fight for her at all!

Marphisa puts on a phoenix helmet and rides out.

You, says Bradamante, right.

Marphisa is knocked off her horse. Rather than admit defeat, however, she draws her sword and indicates that she wishes to continue the fight.

Oh I will fucking do you, says Bradamante.

They continue to fight; Bradamante does not do Marphisa the courtesy of dismounting. The thing about the golden lance, however, is that it is designed to win jousts, not kill people. All it's really doing is knocking Marphisa down and pissing her off.

At this point the French army wakes up to the fact that there's a fight going on, and charge. Agramant opens the gates, and the Saracens ride out.

Rogero's mental state is complicated. He doesn't want Marphisa to kill Bradamante. He doesn't want Bradamante to kill Marphisa. He also doesn't want his side to lose the battle, but that's way down the list of priorities. He rides in between Marphisa and Bradamante to separate them, and engages with Charlemagne's forces.

Marphisa gets turned around and isn't able to continue her fight, which pisses her the fuck off. Bradamante sees Rogero ride past, and pursues him. She calls him out for his dishonour and faithlessness, and demands that he stand and fight.

Rogero says, what the fuck?

Fight or die, says Bradamante.

They face off, and ride towards each other. Rogero sees just how serious she is. He needs to do something dramatic.

He lowers his shield and turns his heart towards her lance.

At the last minute, she pulls up her own lance, and rides by.

The battle continues, and Bradamante is very much the hero of the day. Unwilling to kill Rogero, she vents her rage on several hundred Saracens. The Saracens rout.

During the mop-up, Rogero rides up, and says, look, can we talk?

Bradamante gallops off into the forest. Rogero follows.

So does Marphisa. Marphisa is worried about Rogero. Also, she's worried that if she lets them go she won't get to fight Bradamante some more.

That's probably her biggest worry, actually.

The forest of love and ghosts
Rogero chases down Bradamante in a grove. Bradamante swears at him. A lot. Then she spots Marphisa, and runs her down with the lance again. This time, she's determined to end her; she dismounts and draws her sword.

Rogero tries to separate them, but can't get in between the flashing blades. Then the women end up dropping their swords and trying to throttle each other, which makes Rogero's task slightly easier. He's able to drag Marphisa away.

There is literally nothing that pisses Marphisa off more than being dragged away from a fight.

Marphisa picks up her sword and goes Rogero.

The fact that Rogero is not dead in seconds impresses Bradamante, as well it should, and the fact that he's actually fighting her at all makes her wonder if she may not have gotten the wrong end of the stick.

Still, he's not fighting to kill, and Marphisa is. She lands a blow on his shield that numbs his arm; he's forced to retaliate heavily. But what should be a killing blow sticks into the stone of a tomb instead.

A ghost appears.

Holy shit, says the ghost, is that Rogero? Marphisa?

It adds, Holy shit, please don't kill each other!

The ghost has a tale to tell. The tale involves a Saracen princess, set adrift in a leaky boat by her wicked brothers by way of assassination. They may or may not have known that she was pregnant.

The murderous plot failed, anyhow, when the boat ran out of sea. The princess gave birth to twins, and died. A passing stranger - the ghost, back in the living days - found the twins. He buried the mother as best he could, and captured a lioness to feed the babies. They thrived, says the ghost, although the lion cubs probably died.

However: the sort-of-family was attacked by robbers! The girl twin was kidnapped!

The ghost - when he was alive - was heartbroken, and swore to do everything he could to protect the boy twin. But, alas, he foresaw that the boy would convert to Christianity and die...

Wait, says Rogero, you're the ghost of Atlantes?

Yeah, says the ghost of Atlantes, I died offscreen after you escaped my knight-trapping dome.

Bugger, says Rogero.

Anyway, says the ghost of Atlantes, before I died I prophesied that you and Marphisa would try and kill each other at my tomb so I petitioned the gods of the underworld...

Wait, says Marphisa, I'm the girl twin?

Yeah, says the Ghost of Atlantes.

Wow, she says, I thought I was just an orphan who had been bought from robbers by an Indian king and raised as his own - hey, wait!

Marphisa asks Rogero to explain their lineage, which Rogero had learned from Atlantes. Rogero explains the descent from Hector of Troy down to Rogero the elder, who fell in love with the warrior-princess Galaciella, daughter of Agolant, King of Africa. She snuck away, converted, and married Rogero pere; this was what made them so murderously angry. Galaciella was set adrift as previously described. The elder Rogero was betrayed by his brother and murdered by the same two Saracens.

Marphisa does some calculations, and realises that this would be Agramant's uncle and father that they're talking about.

She says to Rogero: so you knew all this?

Sure, he says.

And yet, she says, for some reason that I can only assume is cowardice, you never killed Agramant in bloody revenge for wrongs done to our parents, because you're a wuss.

It's complicated, says Rogero, because Agramant is the one who knighted me and murdering one's lord is frowned upon in chivalric circles.

It's not fucking complicated at all, says Marphisa, I'll fucking do it.

Marphisa makes a plan: convert to Christianity like her parents; murder Agramant.

Bradamante likes this plan a lot, and suggests that they both join up with Charlemagne, because honestly that will make her conversation with her parents about her betrothal so much simpler.

Bradamante is pretty happy with this turn of events, actually, because it means there's no real reason to kill either Rogero or Marphisa.

Rogero asks if he can go and hand in his notice to Agramant first.

Fuck's sake, say Marphisa and Bradamante.

Marphisa's law
The three knights are interrupted by screaming. They investigate. What they find is pretty shocking: three women, stripped naked and beaten.

One of them is Ulania, the Queen of the Lost Isle.

Ulania explains that they were set upon in a nearby village. She does not know what has happened to her golden shield, nor her three kings. She intends to find Charlemagne and demand justice.

Justice is here, says Bradamante.

The three knights fashion tunics out of their armour's lining, and carry the women on their horses. They come to a rough settlement that appears to consist entirely of women of all ages.

The women are exiles, they explain. In the town they come from, women have been outlawed. Every one of them was driven out violently, and they have been unable to return for two years. If any of their male family members try to help them, they're arrested and tortured.

Holy fucking shit, says Rogero.

The villain is the Knight Marganor, who has issues with women.

Marganor has always been an arsehole, but he used to have two sons reknowned for their courtesy and niceness. Because of these two, the kingdom was actually a pretty good place. But the first son, Cylander, fell in love with the wife of a visiting Greek knight, and was killed in the resulting joust. The second son, Tanacro, had a similar but more complicated fate: he fell in love with Drusilla, the wife of a visiting noble. There was murder, betrayal, serious head injuries, forced marriage, subterfuge and poison, and Tanacro ended up murdered by Drusilla. At this point, Marganor lost his shit: he drew his sword, killed Drusilla, and continued to murder any woman he saw.

Thus: women are outlawed, and any who approach the town are stripped and beaten.

Bradamante and Marphisa are, at this point, incandescent.

The two ride into town - followed by Rogero - and interupt an execution: the old woman who provided the poison to Drusilla. They learn that Marganor has captured Drusilla's maid, and intends to torture her to death. They grab the old woman and ride up to the castle.

The knights make short work of Marganor's men-at-arms, and Marphisa takes the villain captive. She strips him and gives him to Drusilla's maid to look after. The maid looks after him appropriately.

Rescue count: Marphisa and Bradamante, +1 each.

Bradamante loudly recommends putting all of the townsfolk to the sword; Marphisa argues in favour of putting the town to the torch instead. Unless they're willing to make repeal Marganor's woman-murdering statutes, that is.

It turns out Marphisa is scarier than Marganor.

Now, hear this, she says:

"This is Marphisa's law. All the women you exiled are welcome in this town. Every right a man has, a woman has too. And the women will be running the place, you hear me? I'll be back in a year, and if my law is not in effect, I'm putting the whole place to the torch. Sound fair, Bradamante?"
"That sounds so fucking fair, Marphisa."

The townsfolk are very keen to demonstrate their commitment to this law, preferably by murdering Marganor. The old woman starts by torturing him with a goad.

The three knights drag Marganor before Ulania, who sentences him to imprisonment in the tower. The queen is able to recover her treasures from the castle, and finds her three kings imprisoned in the dungeon. The evil law is struck down, and replaced with Marphisa's; Marganor's armour is hung before it.

Ulania remains as queen of the castle, and before long she secretly forces Morganor out of the highest window.

Just to be sure.

Next: Let's settle this.

Rescue tally:

Melissa: 12
Bradamante: 7
Angelica: 7
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Marphisa: 3
Rogero: 2
Rinaldo: 2

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Ragin' Roland VII: Rodomont's Bridge

"Wait a second - those other guys..."
"Your brothers. And some cousins."
"Really? They were pretty crap."
"Yeah. But wait till you meet our sister!"

The next day the squad comes across Gryphon and Aquilant, along with Sansonet. Also with them is Flordelice, who is visibly distressed. She is distressed because (a) Orlando has gone mad and (b) Mandricardo nicked his sword. But Gradasso has it now, she says, because Mandricardo is dead.

(Nobody mentions saving Oliver and Ogier, so I assume they're still captive.)

Rodomont's bridge, again
The Mont Alban force is now actually pretty huge. They arrive at the battle site to find the Moors and Saracens lulled and sleepy. Rinaldo leads a stealth attack on the camp; they are victorious. The king is saved!

"Rinaldo? About fucking time you showed up."

Flordelice is happy: she has finally found Brandimart! They embrace! They snog! They embrace some more!

But wait, she says, I need to tell you about Orlando.

She explains about Orlando's madness, and Rodomont's bridge and tower, which was the last place she saw him.

Brandimart immediately rides off to find Orlando; Flordelice rides with him, not willing to let him out of her sight again.

Rodomont has regained his place on the bridge, and calls out his challenge. Brandimart is not one of the top-tier knights, however, and loses. He and his horse are knocked into the river.

Flordelice begs Rodomont - in Isabel's name - to save him, on account of him being so very pretty. Rodomont reluctantly agrees, and drags Brandimart and his horse out of the stream.

Then he locks him in his tower. Rules are rules.

Flordelice rides off to find someone to rescue Brandimart.

Gradasso v. Rinaldo (I)
Agramant wakes up to find his army in mid-rout. Rinaldo and Malagigi are mopping up the stragglers, and most of the Saracen army is fleeing. Agramant tries to get some control, and manages to get some of them aboard ships to retreat to safety. He makes the wounded Rogero a particular priority, making sure he's safe.

Gradasso, however, has spotted Rinaldo, and has also spotted Rinaldo's horse Bayardo. Gradasso had two goals in coming to France: Orlando's sword (tick!) and Rinaldo's horse. He ignores the disordered troops around him and calls out Rinaldo to single combat. These two last faced off right at the beginning of Innamorato; Gradasso thinks Rinaldo wussed out, when actually he'd been kidnapped by Malagigi to help Angelica. Rinaldo agrees to a duel tomorrow at dawn; the battleground is to be a nearby beach. The terms: Bayardo against Durindana, Orlando's sword.

Rinaldo's friends and family are weirdly nervous about the upcoming duel - how can he hope to stand against Gradasso, armed with Durindana? He's only the second or third best knight in Christendom! Malagigi in particular fears the worst, but is reluctant to screw up Rinaldo's duel a second time.

Still at home with Bradamante
Bradamante is pretty miserable. She is convinced that Rogero would not betray her, and very aware that he has not actually turned up. This is a problem for her.

Mostly, she blames Melissa for getting her hopes up.

She spends several stanzas moping, and then decides to do something: she heads off to track Rogero down.

Along the way she meets an unnamed knight who had been imprisoned by the Saracens. She asks about Rogero. The knight gives the whole story: the duel, the wound, the rout.

But don't worry, says the knight, there's this gorgeous warrior chick looking after him. Reckon they'll be married when the kid gets better, he adds. This is apparently the prevailing rumour in the Saracen camp.

This does not do Bradamante's mental state any good at all. She wonders how anyone could be so false and yet so very, very pretty.

She briefly considers killing herself, then decides that she'd rather kill a lot of other people.

Marphisa, for example.

The Queen of the Lost Isle
Bradamante wisely decides to avoid all her brothers, and instead makes her own way in pursuit of the Saracen army. The downside is that this makes her vulnerable to sidequests and random encounters.

She meets a beautiful lady - the Queen of the Lost Isle, also known as Ulania - who is accompanied by the kings of Sweden, Gothland and Norway. She has vowed to marry the most valiant knight, and these three are here hoping for a chance to demonstrate their valour, preferably at the expense of the others. The queen's plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity: she has a golden shield, which she will give to Charlemagne, who will give it to the most valiant knight, who she will marry. If it turns out to be one of her kings, that's great, but if not: hey, valour!

This strikes Bradamante as a bad plan. The last time a foreign princess arrived offering herself as a prize for the most valiant knight, it set off an epic chain of conflicts and events that are even now still playing out.

Also, what if Rogero wins it? It's a long shot, given that he's on the other side, but it's where her mind is.

She wanders on. It starts to rain. She heads to a nearby tower: Tristram's Tower.

The castellan calls out a friendly welcome, and then lays down the rules: there's only room for one knight, and so if there's more than one knight they have to joust for it.

Also, there's only room for one lady, and so if another lady wants to come only the prettiest is allowed in.

Shut up and let me in, she says.

There's already a lady and a knight here, he says.

Well get them fucking out here, she says.

It's raining, he says.

I know it's fucking raining, she says.

For some reason there's not one knight, but three: the kings she met earlier in the day. The lady is the Queen of the Lost Isles.

Armed with Astolpho's magic lance and a towering rage, Bradamante unhorses the three of them in one pass.

You can come in, says the castellan.

Bradamante listens patiently while the castellan explains the story behind the custom, a long and rambling bit involving Tristram and Yseult of Arthurian legend, jealousy, revenge, that sort of thing.

Then she sits down to dinner, at which point the castellan points out that there are two ladies present, which is not allowed. Bradamante is the prettiest, he says.

Bradamante says: I am a knight, and you will treat me as a knight. This lady is a queen, and you will treat her as a queen. Fuck your stupid rules.

You make a compelling argument, says the castellan.

Bradamante and the Queen of the Lost Isles spend a pleasant evening, warm and cosy, watching the tower's magic tapestries that show all of past and future history.

That night, when the restless knight finally drops off to sleep, Rogero visits her in a dream. He says that he loves her and that he's finally arrived to be baptised and married, and...

...then she wakes up.

Fucking fucker, she says.

She gets dressed and armed, says goodbye to the queen and the castellan, rides out past the shivering kings, and heads off. The kings, pretty sure now that they're not going to win the golden shield, chuck their arms and armour into the moat, and wander off themselves.

Gradasso v. Rinaldo (II)
Gradasso and Rinaldo face off on the beach. Bayardo is tethered nearby. The knights go at it. Gradasso is stronger, but Rinaldo is far more skilful. That would probably make a bigger difference if Gradasso wasn't wearing yet another set of magic impervious armour.

But then Bayardo gets spooked by a giant demon bird. The bird tries to eat Bayardo, but the horse kicks it in the face, breaks its tether and bolts into the forest.

Did you summon that thing, Rinaldo asks Malagigi.

Noooo, says Malagigi.

We should probably go after him, says Rinaldo to Gradasso.

Yeah, says Gradasso. Gradasso mounts his own horse, and rides off.

Fucker, says Rinaldo.

Gradasso finds Bayardo cowering in a crevice, and takes possession. Technically, for honour's sake he should take the horse back to the duelling ground and continue the fight with Rinaldo. But, reasons Gradasso, I've come all the way to France for this horse; if Rinaldo wants to fight for it, he should have to come all the way to Sericane.

He calls for a ship, and sails off.

Next: Astolpho goes to hell.

Rescue tally (no change):
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 7
Bradamante: 6
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Marphisa: 2
Rogero: 2

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Ragin' Roland VI: Strife with Saracens

"Yeah, like this one time, Bradamante saved this chick, and the chick totally fell in love with her, and Bradamante is all like, 'hey, I'm not a dude,' and this chick is all like 'well I'm in love with you so you better be a dude’..."
"You don't have to tell me this whole story..."
"So she gets back and tells us about it and I'm like, I know this chick and she's really hot, so I steal Bradamante's armour and ride back and say that I saved this nymph who granted me this one wish and I wished to be a dude, just for her. And she was like super grateful, if you know what I mean..."
"Please stop..."
"And anyway I was there for months and her dad found out and that's how come I was tied to a stake and everyone was going to kill me. So thanks, dude!"

Richardetto and Rogero ride off towards a nearby town, where they meet Aldigier, Richardetto's cousin. Aldigier has grave news: his half-brothers Vivian and Malagigi have been captured by Ferrau the Saracen! Actually, that happened way back near the start of the book, if not the end of the last one. But Aldigier knows where they are! They're being held captive by Bertolagi of Maganza, who has joined up with the Saracens!

Rinaldo has been sent for, but Richardetto says he's pretty sure Rogero could do the rescuing.

At this point, Rogero remains in a pickle. His liege is being harassed by Christians, and here's Rogero hobnobbing with them! And Bradamante was nowhere near the adventure site!

He weighs up his options: should he proceed to the abbey, where he can convert and get married, and so abandon his king? Or should he defend his king even if it means fighting Bradamante's kin?

He decides to write a letter to Bradamante:

"Dear Brads, I've decided to go and rescue Agramant, and after that I swear I'll come and convert and marry you and everything, should be a couple of weeks at most, hope that's ok, love Rogero.
PS: it's an honour thing, I know you understand.
PPS: going to rescue your cousins first.
PPPS: your brother's a bit of a dick."

A rescue and a battle
The three knights set out to rescue Vivian and Malagigi. They are immediately accosted by another knight, who challenges them all to a joust.

We'd love to, says Aldigier, but we're on a rescue mission.

Oh, says the stranger, do you want help?

Sure, says Aldigier.

Hi, says the knight, I'm Marphisa and I really just want to fight someone.

They come across the caravan that's transporting the prisoners. Marphisa comes up with a simple yet elegant battle plan: let's attack them!

The plan works rather better than it might have: because they're being attacked by Rogero and Marphisa, technically pagans, the Maganzese think that the Moors they're dealing with have betrayed them. The whole thing turns into a free-for-all, which ends in a complete rout of both the Moors and the Maganzese.

Rogero is hugely impressed with Marphisa's fighting; Marphisa, likewise with Rogero's. Actually, everyone's hugely impressed with Marphisa's fighting, but she's busy chatting to Rogero now and ignoring everyone else.

Vivian and Malagigi are rescued. The party finds a magic fountain laid down by Merlin, whose carvings represent all past and future history. Malagigi, a crap sorcerer as well as a crap knight, provides a great deal of exposition on this. Vivian listens. Rogero and Marphisa swap sword-polishing tips.

(Rescue count: Marphisa and Rogero, +1 each. Aldigier and Richardetto are pretty useless.)

Shortly after lunch a maiden wanders by: this is Hippalca, Bradamante's messenger. She explains that she was sent by Bradamante with a horse for Rogero - which was stolen by Rodomont. She's been hoping to catch up with Rogero, Richardetto, Aldigier or, basically, anyone, ever since.

As luck would have it, Mandricardo, Rodomont and Doralice happen to ride by the fountain at this point. Marphisa has discovered some dresses in Bertolagi's train, and decided to try one on. Mandricardo falls in love with her immediately, and decides to joust for her. He quickly defeats Vivian, Malagigi, Aldigier and Richardetto, and announces to Marphisa that he has won her by defeating, presumably, her lord.

If any of those had been my actual lord, says Marphisa, maybe you'd be right. Then she adds: you want to fight? Fight me.

She dons her armour and goes Mandricardo. The initial joust is inconclusive, so they dismount and hack at each other with swords. They're both wearing indestructible armour, so the battle lasts a while.

Eventually Rodomont steps in and reminds Mandricardo that they have places to be, defending their king from, you know, the mightiest warriors in all France.

Actually, says Marphisa, that sounds awesome, can I come too?

Rogero quickly passes his letter to Hippalca, so that she can take it back to Bradamante, and goes off with the Saracens, driven by his oath of fealty.

Saracen strife
They don't get far when Rogero brings up the matter of the horse Frontino. Rodomont says he'd be happy to fight for it, after they've saved Agramant.

We can fight for it later, says Rogero, as long as you give me my horse now.

An argument starts, and Mandricardo is about to intervene when he realises that Rogero is wearing Hector's emblem on his shield. As far as Mandricardo knows, he's the only one who can claim descent from that hero, so he challenges Rogero to a duel over it.

It's on, says Rogero.

Then Rodomont and Marphisa intervene, saying they'll never get to the war if everyone keeps fighting. Rodomont tries to bully Mandricardo into calming down. This does not calm Mandricardo down. Marphisa tries to point out that they can all fight after the war. She is able to calm them down to the point where they can all reiterate their grievances, and then the fight starts up again. Rogero tries to knock Rodomont off his horse, at which point both Rodomont and Mandricardo pummel him. Seeing two against one angers Marphisa, and she throws herself into the fray.

Then Richardetto and Vivian blunder in, and take Rogero's side. This gives Rogero the opportunity to wound Rodomont, which in turn lets him support Marphisa, who is evenly matched with Mandricardo.

The battle ends when Malagigi uses magic to spook Doralice's horse, which runs off into the wood. Rodomont immediately pursues, as does Mandricardo.

Rogero thanks Richardetto for his intervention, and asks that he pass on his love to his sister. Rogero and Marphisa head off after the Saracens, and the turn for Paris.

War!
King Agramant is currently under siege. However, Gradasso and Sacripant, recently released from Atlantes' dome, have arrived with a small relief force. Doralice's horse, possessed by a demon, leads Rodomont and Mandricardo straight to the others, and Rogero and Marphisa arrive shortly afterwards. Although still riven by disagreements, this is a mighty force, and they fall upon Charlemagne's army like a ton of bricks.

The battle is a disaster for the Christians. Oliver and Ogier are captured, and only the valour of Brandimart prevents the king himself from falling. The besieging army finds itself besieged in turn.

Where the fuck are Orlando and Rinaldo, asks the king.

So far, the most effective tactic Charlemagne has against the Saracens is prayer, so he implements it once again. God gets onto Michael, and Michael kicks Discord down to sort something out among the Saracens.

This is the easiest gig Discord has ever had.

The Great Big Saracen Duelling Circle
Agramant finds himself confronted by half his knights, who all want to fight each other. The situation is this:

Rodomont wants to fight Mandricardo over the maiden Doralice
Rogero wants to fight Rodomont over his horse Frontino
Mandricardo wants to fight Rogero over his right to wear Hector's heraldry
Mandricardo wants to fight Marphisa because he wants to marry her (without actually releasing his claim on Doralice)
Marphisa wants to fight Mandricardo because she's Marphisa.

Fine, says Agramant, we'll draw lots. Mandricardo and Rodomont are set up to be the first bout, then Rogero/Mandricardo, Rogero/Rodomont, and lastly Marphisa/Mandricardo.

However, this gets complicated when:

The knight Ferrau notices that Mandricardo has Orlando's sword, and wants to fight him for it
Gradasso also notices that Mandricardo has Orlando's sword, and likewise wants to fight him for it
Sacripant notices that Rodomont is riding Frontino, who was originally his horse before it was ever Rogero's, and wants to fight him over it
Marphisa notices Brunello the dwarf, who stole her sword at the same time he stole Sacripant's horse, and wants to hang him.

And this, says Agramant, is why the Saracens can't have nice things. Like France.

Agramant sighs, and decides to let Brunello be hanged. He was a pain in the arse anyway.

Then, he asks Doralice who she actually wants to marry. She says Mandricardo. Rodomont hadn't expected this, and decides to head home to Argier in a raging huff. Rogero is pissed off, because Rodomont is still riding Frontino, but he can't actually fight Rodomont until after the Rodomont/Mandricardo and Rogero/Mandricardo bouts. Lots were drawn by the king, dammit, and Rogero respects due process. So he goes off to find Mandricardo, so he can at least get that fight out of the way. Sacripant isn't waiting for a fight, so he heads off in pursuit. He is delayed, however, as he stops to rescue a randomly drowning lady.

Rodomont spends much of the journey home ranting loudly about the perfidy of women, and kings, and life in general. He eventually washes up at a pub, where he asks people to tell him dirty stories and gets really, really drunk.

Next: Rodomont's Bridge.

Rescue tally:
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 7
Bradamante: 6
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Marphisa: 2
Rogero: 2

Friday, 29 April 2016

Ragin' Roland IV: Marphisa!

"Seriously, brother?"
"Seriously!"
"You have a problem."

Norandino deliberates on what would be a suitable apology for someone you've unfairly maligned and had your townspeople abuse; he decides to host another tournament in Gryphon's honour.

Marphisa!
Astolpho is still waiting for Aquilant and Gryphon to get their shit together so that they can head back to France. When he hears about a tournament in Gryphon's honour, he decides he'd better check it out. He heads off with the (Christian) king of Jerusalem, Sansonnet, who he has been hanging with.

Along the way they are accosted by a woman in armour - but when she recognises Astolpho, she breaks into a broad grin. This is Marphisa, the Queen of India and one of the best knights in the world. They fought together back in the Inammorato days, defending Angelica's city of Albracca.

"Astolpho! How're you doing? I haven't seen you since Albracca!"
"Marphisa? Were we even on the same side at Albracca?"
"No idea, but you were awesome! Dude, there's a tournament, we should totally go!"

The prize at the tournament is the magic armour that Gryphon technically won last time that Martano stole, which is on display in Damascus. This causes problems when the trio of knights turns up. It turns out that it's Marphisa's armour...

"Hey, Marphisa, didn't you used to have a suit of magic armour?"
"I ditched it to chase Brunello."
"Hey, look - the prize for the tournament is a suit of magic armour..."
"Holy shit! Be right back!"
"Did...did Marphisa just start a war?"

Marphisa charges into the marketplace to get her armour back. Astolpho and Sansonnet lower their lances and ride in her defense. Norandino directs his own knights - plus Gryphon and Aquilant - to defend the prize. Astolpho knocks the brothers off their horses with his magic lance, and it turns out Sansonnet is no slouch in the jousting department himself. Marphisa is able to recover her armour, and the three retreat back towards their inn.

Norandino, Gryphon and Aquilant pursue, but Aquilant recognises Astolpho's arms and suggests that there might be something else going on. Also, Norandino's men realise that the woman that nicked the armour is Marphisa the famous terrifying warrior queen, and become reluctant to pursue. Norandino calls for a parley, and Astolpho and Sansonnet talk Marphisa down to the extent that she's willing to talk before gutting people.

This is my armour, she politely explains, and I'll gut anyone who tries to take it.

That seems fair, says Norandino.

Norandino arranges a face-saving interpretation: had Gryphon won the tournament as expected, he had always intended to give it back to Marphisa, and anyway if Marphisa was competing she'd probably have won it anyway, so how about Marphisa keeps the armour and no-one gets gutted?

Whatever, says Gryphon. Fair enough, says Marphisa.

And Sansonnet goes on to win the tournament, mostly because Astolpho, Marphisa, Gryphon and Aquilant decide to sit watching from a hillside.

The Battle of Paris: Aftermath, with Angelica
The Saracens have retreated, but their encampment is within sight of Paris. While they don't have the will to continue the assault, Charlemagne doesn't have the forces to clear them out. It's a tense situation as night falls.

Two of Dardinello's most loyal followers - Cloridane and Medoro - decide that they can't possibly leave their king's body where it fell after Rinaldo killed him. Under cover of darkness they sneak back to the battlefield to find the corpse. Unfortunately, as they try to carry it back to the Saracen camp, they are discovered by Zerbino and his patrol. Cloridane drops the body and runs, figuring Medoro must do the same. However, Medoro is the tiniest bit more loyal to his dead king, and holds on. From the treeline, Cloridane sees Medoro cornered; he launches some arrows at the Scots. It's in vain, however, and Medoro is captured.

Please don't kill me, says Medoro, and explains his mission. Zerbino is moved by his loyalty, but one of his men stabs Medoro in the chest. Zerbino strikes the churl down, and Cloridane, believing Medoro murdered, draws his sword and charges in. Cloridane is killed, and Zerbino's squad leaves Medoro for dead.

And so he would be, were it not for a kindly invisible maiden passing by. Angelica, entirely fed up with knights and cursing a bunch of them under her breath, comes across the wounded warrior. Moved to pity, she pulls out some healing herbs and starts seeing to his wounds. She flags down a passing shepherd to help, but Medoro refuses to leave the plain until Dardinello and Cloridane are buried, a task he accomplishes with some difficulty. Then Angelica puts him to bed in the shepherd's shed, and decides to stay with him until he's well.

(Angelica's rescue count: +1 heavily wounded, very pretty soldier)

It is some days before Medoro is well again, and Angelica has time to do some thinking. This man is clearly brave, noble, and very, very, pretty. Most importantly, he is not a complete arse. As he recovers he thanks her for her efforts on his behalf, and is never anything but polite and gentle.

Angelica falls totally in love with him.

"Can there be anything a humble soldier can do to repay the kindness you have shown me?"
"I can think of something."

Angelica is not a terribly subtle person, and she makes her feelings known. Medoro, rescued from certain death by one of the most beautiful women in the world, responds enthusiastically.

The two are married - possibly by the shepherdess - and spend a month honeymooning in the shed.

It's a pleasant month, and the two spend it (a) delighting in each others' company and (b) carving "ANGELICA LOVES MEDORO" on everything, "...in divers cyphers quaintly interlaced."

Eventually, however, Angelica decides that it's time to return to China. She pays the Shepherd with an expensive bracelet that Orlando apparently gave her and that she didn't lose when stripped naked and tied to a rock.

And off they head.

Marphisa and the City of Bloodthirsty Women
Astolpho, Marphisa, Gryphon, Aquilant and Sansonnet set said for France. However, after several days of fair sailing, a gale blows up and drives them towards the African coast. They see a citadel, but the ship's master tells Astolpho that he doesn't want to take harbour there because it's full of violent women who kill or enslave people that can't meet their challenge.

What's the challenge, asks Astolpho.

Well, explains the master, first someone has to defeat the city's ten champions.

Right, says Astolpho, that seems within our capabilities.

And then, says the master, they have to satisfy ten women.

Um, says Astolpho.

And if they can do that, continues the master, they have to marry all ten women, and if they fail, they and everyone with them will be enslaved or executed.

I see the problem, says Astolpho. Gryphon, Aquilant and Sansonnet concur. Marphisa doesn't, exactly.

But none of them really want to drown, so they head for the coast.

As the ship makes harbour the women of the city flock out to greet them. It's a terribly martial city, given over to arenas and tournament grounds. The only men are the champions - ten knights in armour - and the slaves, who wear dresses and made to do embroidery.

The city's rulers explain their custom.

Maybe we should draw lots, asks Astolpho, to determine our champion.

Nah, I'll do it, says Marphisa.

You're not really, uh, qualified for the second bit, says Astolpho.

I'm not trusting this to you boys, she replies.

Astolpho points out that he has both a magic horn and a magic lance.

Not magic enough, reckons Marphisa.

The next day Marphisa rides out in full armour, to face the ten champions. Nine of them lower their lances. The tenth, armoured in black, sits back and watches.

Marphisa is one of the world's finest warriors, and kills three of the champions on the first pass. Lances shatter on her magic armour. She draws her sword, and resolutely hacks the next six into pieces.

The tenth champion salutes her. He compliments her on her work. He held back, he says, because ten against one seemed terribly unsporting. Speaking of which, he adds that she must be pretty puffed after fighting off nine nasty knights, and maybe they should start again after a night's rest.

Marphisa says that she's barely been fighting for ten minutes and it hasn't exactly been arduous. Taking the afternoon off seems a bit lazy, to be honest.

Fair enough, says the champion, and promptly knocks her off her horse.

This doesn't happen often to Marphisa, and she's thoroughly impressed.

She draws her sword, and the champion dismounts and does the same. They start fighting in earnest. They duel heavily and earnestly, and neither is able to gain advantage.

Lucky he wasn't fighting earlier, thinks Marphisa.

They end up fighting for the rest of the day, and as the sun starts to go down the champion suggests again that they take the fight up again in the morning. He says that he hates having become this city's champion, and that, honestly, she'll be doing him a favour if she kills him.

Marphisa agrees to a truce, and takes off her helmet.

Holy shit, says the champion, you're a chick!

I know that, says Marphisa. Why do people keep telling me?

Escape from the City of Bloodthirsty Women
The party retires to the champion's pavilion. The knight introduces himself as Guido the Savage. He is, it turns out, the illegitimate son of Duke Aymon, making him Rinaldo and Bradamante's half-brother and Astolpho's cousin. He was travelling to meet his father in France, but was shipwrecked here. He killed the ten champions and took ten wives according to the custom, but he doesn't feel quite right about it.

He also fills Marphisa in on the history of the city. It dates back to classical Greece and the aftermath of the Trojan war. Some Cretan women felt that if their menfolk were going to keep going off to war and leaving them, they may as well learn to cope. They took young lovers - but these lovers didn't turn out to be any more reliable than the last lot of menfolk, and they left. The Cretan women set off in pursuit, and ended up on this shore. Things were happy for a while, but then the men went off again in search of plunder and adventure.

So the Cretan women came up with an arrangement that let them have as many men as they needed, but not more. Surplus menfolk were killed or enslaved, and this fair city was established, with the women in control.

Marphisa listens with deep interest.

Guido ends up saying that all the sex and leisure is making him unmanly, and he wants to go to France to kill people.

Astolpho is delighted to meet a cousin, but Guido is concerned that (a) he'll win tomorrow and Astolpho will be enslaved or else (b) he'll be killed tomorrow, nullifying any particular pleasure he might derive from meeting a new family member.

Hey, says Marphisa, why don't you join us and make a break for it? You're currently a hundred percent of this city's knighthood.

Guido points out that the city is still full of heavily-armed and highly motivated women, including ninety new and angry widows and ten abandoned wives. Maybe nine, if he takes one with him.

But Astolpho has a plan.

The plan is to arm up and ride to the harbour. It is elegant in its simplicity.

The next morning, the knights arm up. Guido assembles his men-at-arms and his favourite wife, and the party sets off for the harbour. They are assailed on all sides by archers, and Guido and Marphisa lose their horses. Desperate, Astolpho sounds his Horn of Terror.

The city's army is terrified by the sound, and routs. One woman doesn't stop running for days. Unfortunately, Astolpho hadn't been able to warn his comrades to block their ears, so they're all terrified too. Each and every knight fails their will save, and they all pissbolt for the harbour. They're already out to sea when they realise that Astolpho isn't with them.

Astolpho watches the ship sail off, and wonders how he's going to get back to France now.

(I'm crediting Marphisa with Guido's rescue from durance vile in the City of Bloodthirsty Women - Marphisa's rescue count: +1 knight)

The ship eventually makes it back to Marseilles, which is Bradamante's turf, but she's out questing.

The party decides where to go next: Gryphon, Aquilant, Sansonnet and Guido opt to head to Paris; Marphisa goes her own way.

"Hey, Marphisa, we're all going to save Paris. You want to come?"
"I'm a knight, not a herd animal. I'm going questing!"

Rescue tally:
Melissa: 12
Angelica:7
Bradamante: 5
Orlando: 2
Rinaldo: 2
Marphisa: 1
Rogero: 0
Astolpho: 0

Next: Orlando goes mad.

Thursday, 23 April 2015

Romancing Roland II: The Needlessly Complicated Siege of Albracca (and its Needlessly Complicated Aftermath)

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Innamorato
The Author: Matteo Maria Boiardo (1494).
This text: An etext of an 1823 prose translation by William Stewart Rose. This edition is from the University of Adelaide - Project Gutenberg has the same text, but the formatting is better here. It's worth noting that much the same material is covered in Thomas Bulfinch's Age of Chivalry.
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

III. The Needlessly Complicated Siege of Albracca
When last we left our heroine Angelica, her city was under siege by her ex-suitor Agrican, and things looked bleak indeed. With the loss of the English knight Astolpho, Albracca's morale is severely shaken.

But lo! On the horizon: a friendly army! It's Sacripant!

Sacripant finds Agrican's army a bit of challenge, not least since Agrican is now mounted on Rinaldo's magic horse Bayardo. The two leaders end up in single combat. Sacripant is wounded, but the combat breaks up and he flees into Albracca. His army breaks - Angelica orders the drawbridge lowered to recieve them. Agrican charges through the gates, and wreaks havoc in the town. Sacripant drags himself back into battle, and the portcullis is lowered. Agrican is eventually forced back to the gates.

Meanwhile, Rinaldo has left the ruins of the doom-castle Altaripa, and is wandering errantly. He meets a miserable damsel, who tells him that she's looking for a someone brave enough to take on nine knights, including Orlando. This is Flordelis, Brandimart's lady. Rinaldo says he's up for it.

They ride off, with Flordelis telling a long and intricate tale of chivalry set in Babylon, about a knight named Prasildo who is in love with the queen Tisbina who is married to Iroldo, which involves Prasildo going on a quest for Tisbina and being unexpectedly successful meaning that Tisbina has to marry Prasildo except that Prasildo respects Iroldo too much and everybody ends up poisoned and Prasildo rescues everybody and Iroldo says that maybe he should marry Tisbina and Tisbina says that maybe that's not actually a bad idea and...

And then Rinaldo tells her to shut up because there's cave filled with griffons, a giant, and a particularly awesome horse. This is the magic steed Rabican, once the horse of Argalia, which has come home to its native cavern. Rinaldo fights with the giant and nearly kills him. The giant releases the griffons, and one of them grabs him by the leg to hit Rinaldo with. It's a close fight, but eventually Rinaldo triumphs. He finds a treasure chamber with a dead damsel in it; written in gold is a promise that the horse Rabican will go to whoever can avenge her death. There's also a book, which Rinaldo reads, that tells the whole terribly sordid story, and names his target as Truffaldino, a villain and a traitor.

Rinaldo and Flordelis are attacked by a centaur and separated; after the monster is killed, Rinaldo decides to keep going in the direction of the quest, with the vague aim of rescuing his cousin Orlando.

Back in Albracca, Agrican is fighting like a cornered rat. However, since he's fighting the defenders of Albracca - who aren't actually on the walls while doing so - his army is able to force the gates and enter the city. The city falls, but Angelica, Sacripant and the remaining kings - which, it turns out, include Truffaldino - are able to barricade themselves in the citadel. The citadel is impregnable, but poorly supplied, so Angelica proposes to seek relief. Nobody seems to object to the shifty princess deserting her city in its hour of need, possibly because she's the one with the magic ring that turns her invisible.

Away from the city Angelica meets an old man who spins her a sob story about having a sick son. Angelica, skilled in medicine as well as magic, offers her aid, and is a little surprised when the old man turns out to be lying, and is in fact on a mission to acquire damsels for the kingdom of Orgagna. Angelica is imprisoned in a tower full of said damsels. By coincidence, she meets Flordelis, who the centaur had thrown into a river and had been captured. Flordelis tells her story: how she was travelling with Rinaldo to rescue Orlando, Brandimart, and a bunch of other knights from their imprisonment in the magic garden of Dragontina.

This is the best thing Angelica has heard all day, so she turns herself invisible and heads for Dragontina's garden. She uses her ring to dispel all the magic, restores all the knights to sanity, and takes them all off to Albracca.

She does not mention Flordelis and the tower full of captive maidens to anyone, knowing that the last thing she needs is all her brand new set of knights to be all distracted and chivalrous.

It turns out that leaving Truffaldino in the citadel was a mistake, because he's thrown Sacripant and all the other kings into the dungeon with the plan of selling out to Agrican. He has misjudged, however, because Agrican really actually detests cowards and traitors, and reckons the citadel will run out of provisions pretty soon anyway. He is just gloating about how he's going to take the city, woo Angelica, and string Truffaldino up by the heels, when the lady herself turns up with a party of knights and crashes through his camp. Truffaldino refuses to open the gates unless everyone swears to save him from reprisals, especially from Agrican, and also to not kill him. Orlando initially refuses, but Angelica points out that they really are on the wrong side of the gates at the moment and maybe they should just agree to get back into the citadel.

Back inside the citadel, they immediately realise that things have not actually improved all that much, and Orlando takes a party of knights in quest of provisions. The nearest provisions are in Agrican's army, so he heads straight for that. Agrican orders his squadrons to stand aside so that he can duel Orlando personally. Things are just getting serious when there's an alarum: another relieving army!

This army has been raised by Angelica's dad Galaphron, and includes an unnamed giant and Marphisa, queen of India. Marphisa has vowed not to lay aside her armour until she has taken three kings prisoner: Charlemagne, Gradasso and Agrican. She is an ambitious lady.

Agrican apologises to Orlando and asks if they might take up the duel again after he has regained control of his army. Orlando agrees and chivalrously offers help if he needs it. Agrican graciously declines, and goes off to kill the giant. This messes up Galaphron's army, which would be recoverable except that Marphisa has pointedly gone off to take a nap, saying 'Wake me when Galaphron's dead and I'm in charge.'

Rinaldo is meanwhile wandering northwards, vaguely worried about what has happened to Flordelis and wondering where this magic fairy garden is. He meets a stranger weeping at a fountain, and asks him what's wrong. 'So I was married to this queen in Babylon...' says the stranger. It turns out this is Iroldo, who had been wandering aimlessly when he was captured by the enchantress Falentina, imprisoned in her magic garden, paired off with a maiden, and set up as a human sacrifice. Only it turns out that when Prasildo found out about it, he came to the rescue all noble-like, initially trying to buy Iroldo's freedom but eventually offering to take his place as the sacrifice, the show-off. Iroldo plans to interrupt the ceremony and, if at all possible, die trying to rescue Prasildo and thus proving who the most awesome knight is. Rinaldo offers a better plan: they will rescue Prasildo, and the maiden, and not die. Iroldo reluctantly agrees not to die.

Prasildo is rescued, as is the maiden - who turns out to be Flordelis. Rinaldo is keen to capitalise on this by destroying the enchanted garden, but Flordelis reminds him that he has other magic gardens to destroy. He concedes, and they all head off to the garden of Dragontina, which it turns out has already been destroyed by Angelica.

No worries: they come across a fugitive from Agrican's army who tells them that Angelica has a new champion who sounds a lot like Orlando, and then they meet a recently awoken Marphisa, who challenges them to a joust. A messenger comes up saying that Galaphron's vanguard has been pretty much demolished and they could really do with some backup about now. Piss off, says Marphisa, I'm jousting. Iroldo and Prasildo are knocked over in short order, but Marphisa and Rinaldo shatter their lances on each other and have to resort to swords and fists.

Elsewhere, Orlando has relieved Galaphron, and he and Agrican agree that the battle has evened out enough that they can continue their duel. They fight for the better part of the day, but Agrican starts to get annoyed at all the interruptions that come from dueling in the middle of a battlefield, and lures Orlando off into the forest. They continue fighting until it gets dark, and then agree that they should probably get a bit of shut-eye before continuing in the morning. Orlando asks Agrican if he's ever really thought about God, or otherwise considered converting, and Agrican says that knights should only talk about fightin' and lovin'. Talking about loving brings the conversation around to Angelica, which, given that they're both totally in love with her, brings the conversation back to to fighting, and then brings the fighting back to the conversation. They fight until dawn, and Orlando wins.

On his deathbed, Agrican agrees that there might be something in this God stuff, and asks Orlando to baptise him. Orlando does, then mounts Bayardo and heads back towards Albracca.

The tide of battle has turned, and Galaphron has penetrated Agrican's camp and released the prisoners, including Astolpho. Astolpho quickly finds his magic lance and rejoins the battle. He and Galaphron are mopping up the enemy when they come across Rinaldo and Marphisa. Rinaldo has a magic sword but has had most of his armour hacked off; Marphisa has magic armour but has had most of her sword hacked off. Galaphron does not recognise Rinaldo but recognises the horse Rabican, which used to belong to his son. He assumes - correctly, largely by coincidence - that this is Argalia's murderer, and charges.

Marphisa takes offence at the interruption to her duel and has at Galaphron. Similarly, when Brandimart tries to rescue Rinaldo from Marphisa, Rinaldo turns on him. Rinaldo and Marphisa turn back to back and take on all comers, which at this point are mostly their own allies.

Marphisa and Rinaldo eventually put their allies to flight, and pursue them to the gates of Albracca. This is a city ruled by Angelica, who Rinaldo hates, defended by Truffaldino, who he has sworn vengeance on. Marphisa is still mad at Galaphron, who is still alive and still king. The two settle down in front of the gates, shouting challenges. Truffaldino reminds the knights in Albracca that they have sworn to defend him, and leads half a dozen down to take on Rinaldo.

At this point, of course, the original siege has pretty much been defeated.

IV. The Needlessly Complicated Aftermath of the Siege of Albracca
So Brandimart was technically fighting Rinaldo, but the moment he sees Flordelis he ducks out of the battle for some smooching. Unfortunately, Flordelis is kidnapped by a passing necromancer. Brandimart pursues, and catches up with a three giants who have a column of camels - one of which is carrying a damsel he believes is Flordelis. He assails them - the giants, not the camels - and dispatches one, but ultimately comes off second best. Happily, at this point Orlando toddles through, possibly still high on adrenaline from his single-combat all-nighter, and takes care of the other two. Brandimart is wounded, and asks Orlando if he wouldn't mind rescuing Flordelis for him.

It turns out that the damsel they have rescued is not actually Flordelis, although she is pretty good at binding wounds. Brandimart laments - in song - that life is hard for a poor orphan boy who is sold into slavery to the Lord of the Sylvan Tower who eventually warmed to him and gave him his title. He continues to lament that it sucks that his girlfriend has been kidnapped and that he wishes he was dead.

The damsel starts to tell her story - beautiful princess, Kingdom of the Distant Isles, lots of treasure, forced to marry an old man rather than her actual lover - but realises Brandimart isn't paying attention and offers to help the knights rescue Flordelis. They ride off.

(The sorcerer who kidnapped Flordelis has been eaten by a lion, but now she's been captured by a forest savage.)

On the way, Orlando asks the damsel to continue her story, which she does - imprisoned by her betrothed, escaped through a secret tunnel, married her lover, pretended to be her own twin, escaped, was recaptured, escaped again, captured by giants - until she notices that Brandimart has wandered off again. Brandimart has heard Flordelis' cries, and he rides to her rescue, killing the savage as it tries to uproot a tree to hit him with.

Orlando, looking for Brandimart, meets yet another damsel. This one tells him there's a particularly interesting quest in the offing, and gives him a book and a horn. The book tells him to blow the horn, harness the two indestructible monstrous bulls that appear, and use them and his magic sword to plough the field. This he does. Then he blows the horn again, and a dragon appears. The damsel of the Distant Isles figures she could probably bug out now and continue her own adventures away from all these monsters, but the damsel of the book tells her to hang around, since it's really only Orlando in danger. The damsel of the Distant Isles says, whatever.

Instructed by the book, Orlando chops of the dragon's head and sows its teeth in the field. He fights the myrmidons that grow out of them, as is necessary to prove his valour according to the quest in the book.

Then he blows the horn a third time, which summons...

...a puppy.

'Ah,' he says. Then, 'What?'

The damsel of the book explains: the puppy can be used to track down Morgana, the fairy with dominion over wealth, and not only can he become incredibly wealthy, but if he gives her the puppy she'll fall in love with him.

'Stuff that,' says Orlando, and rides off with the damsel of the Distant Isles. Shortly afterwards, they meet a stranger knight who turns out to be the damsel's lover. Orlando hands over the damsel, expressing relief that her incessant chattering is now someone else's problem.

Back in Albracca, Rinaldo is winning and Truffaldino has retreated to the citadel. Astolpho realises that the knight he has been fighting at the gates is in fact his cousin Rinaldo, and switches sides. And Orlando arrives, and finds Rinaldo fighting Albracca's defenders, for reasons that are not entirely clear to him.

Orlando and Rinaldo shout out bitter reproaches regarding their respective lifestyle choices, and Orlando charges. However, Orlando is mounted on Bayardo, who won't be a party to attacking Rinaldo, his actual master, and they veer off.

Rinaldo sees Truffaldino sneaking up on Astolpho, and charges him. He takes him captive and ties him by the feet to Rabican's tail, and drags him to death. With Truffaldino dead, most of the knights decide that they're no longer really honour bound to defend him. However, Orlando is pretty pissed off, and is back on his original horse, which Brandimart had been riding. He and Rinaldo fight until nightfall, at which point they agree to a truce with the intention of starting again in the morning.

Angelica is basically happy with the outcome of the battle with regards to her city, but is left with a series of problems. She is still in love with Rinaldo, who is on the wrong side of the gates, specifically the outside; Orlando is in love with her, and is also on the wrong side of the gates, specifically the inside; Orlando has basically saved her city and she owes him big time.

Angelica talks Marphisa into letting her talk to Rinaldo. Rinaldo refuses, even when she gives him Bayardo back. Angelica miserably returns to Albracca and promises to marry Orlando if he does one last little teeny tiny thing for her: destroy the magic garden of the enchantress Falerina.

'And try not to be ensorcelled, enchanted, imprisoned, exiled, or killed.'
'Right-ho!'
'But not too hard.'
'What was that last bit?'
'Nothing - good luck, dear!'

Next: Enter Rogero and Bradamante, who are awesome.