The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.
Price: Nothin'.
(Previously...)
Meanwhile...
Rinaldo is in Scotland, basking in the glory of having saved the Scottish King's daughter from being burned at the stake by her father. Everyone is terribly grateful, and when Rinaldo explains what he's doing in Britain in the first place, the King pledges to send all the troops he can to defend France from the infidel.
Brill, says Rinaldo, and rides off to London.
A Princess in Distress
When last we saw Angelica, she was desperately trying to get as far away from Rinaldo as possible. She is now also trying to get away from a hermit priest, who has fallen in love with her himself and become a little too friendly. The hermit is secretly a sorcerer, and after he loses her trail he resorts to black magic. He summons a demon, and sends it to possess Angelica's horse and carry her to a rendezvous.
Which means that when Angelica hits the coast, her horse dives right in and starts swimming, much to her consternation.
Eventually, the demon-horse deposits her on a rocky shore, leaving the damp and disheveled princess to lament her fate. She is grateful to see a familiar face, even if it is the creepy priest, and her gratefulness lasts long enough for him to cast a sleep spell on her.
(There's an untranslated passage here; it is implied that the priest tries to have his way with the princess, but fails. It's icky.)
At this point we learn that the island is called Ebuda, out past Ireland. It's inhabited by damned tribesfolk and menaced by a mighty sea monster, the orc. The story goes that the sea-god Proteus seduced a princess of the island and got her pregnant. The king sentenced both his daughter and her unborn offspring to death. Proteus sent all his sea monsters to ravage the island. The islanders consulted an oracle - it turned out that the only remedy was to sacrifice a woman as beautiful as the original princess to the orc on a fairly regular basis.
These days, then, the tribesfolk of the island generally take to piracy and kidnapping to acquire women for the orc. However, if they happen upon the most beautiful princess in Asia and possibly the world asleep near an elderly skeevy priest, they are not above taking her off the beach and tying her to the sacrificial rock.
Angelica is in peril!
Orlando and the Guns of Friesland
Orlando is now back in Paris, entirely prepared to defend Christendom from the ravages of the Moorish host. Well, mostly prepared. Actually, he's moping about how Angelica got away because he was foolish enough to entrust her safety to someone else who got overrun when the battle went badly. Orlando is not sure which is worse: that something terrible may have happened to Angelica, or that she might have married another knight by now. When he dreams someone telling him, "dude, just let her go!" he decides that he must go in search of her. He sneaks out of the castle without telling his uncle, the King, or his best mate Brandimart, or Brandimart's girlfriend Flordelis. He disguises himself as a Saracen and rides out through their sleeping camp.
(He is far too honourable to just start killing folk. That would be wrong.)
Orlando travels far and wide looking for Angelica, but finds no sign. Eventually he fronts up at a swollen river. The bridge is gone, but there's a boat with a damsel in it. The damsel offers to ferry him over, on one condition: that he fight a battle at her request.
Sure, he says.
Great, she says, the King of Ireland is going to war with Ebuda, because Ebuda is kidnapping women to feed to a sea monster.
Holy shit, thinks Orlando. What if Angelica has been kidnapped to feed the sea monster?
He immediately commandeers a vessel and heads to Ireland, but a storm blows up and he ends up in Antwerp instead.
The custom for knights in Antwerp, he learns, is to pay respects to a certain damsel. When in Antwerp, figures Orlando, and goes to meet the lady. The lady is dressed in mourning, and begins to tell her story.
"Is this going to take a while?"The lady - Olympia - is the daughter of the Count of Holland. She was in love with Bireno, Duke of Zealand, who is off fighting the Moors in Spain. Alas, in the meantime her father had arranged for her to marry Arbantes, Prince of Friesland. There was a treaty riding on it. When Olympia refused to marry Arbantes, Friesland invaded Holland and killed all her kin.
"Probably."
Turns out that not only is Arbantes a pretty serious knight, he's also got some pretty weird weapons: metal tubes that send balls of lead at - and often through - their targets.
There was a plan: Olympia sent her brother to summon Bireno back from the war. The plan went badly: Bireno was captured, and Olympia had to go to Friesland to marry Arbantes.
There was another plan: it involved a lackey, an axe and Arbantes' head. This was entirely successful, except that it left Cymosco, the King of Friesland, in a murderous rage.
Olympia escaped, but the situation is now that Cymosco has given Olympia a year to hand herself over to him or Bireno will get it in the neck. The year is nearly over.
Now, she's not been idle. She's sold off all her lands to pay assassins and spies to either kill Cymosco or rescue Bireno. But none of that has worked and now she's feeling pretty cornered. What she'd really like is a knight prepared to go up against Cymosco and his guns. And she hasn't found one, because the guns are pretty fucking scary.
Sounds like you need a hero, says Orlando.
Orlando and Olympia sail off to Friesland. When they get there, Orlando offers a challenge to Cymosco: I'll meet you with sword and spear, and if you win, you can have Olympia, and if I win, you'll release Bireno.
Sure, says Cymosco, or I could just have my men kill you.
Fine, says Orlando, I'll take on the lot of you. At the first sign of an ambush Orlando starts stabbing people. It turns out that the Friesland forces have never faced a knight with invulnerable skin and an irresistible sword. Cymosco flees, with Orlando in hot pursuit.
Cymosco gets enough of a lead that he decides to try his secret weapon. Unfortunately, he misses, and takes out Orlando's horse instead. Orlando leaps up and chases him down. Cymosco is decapitated. Bireno is freed. Olympia is made Queen of Friesland. Orlando dumps the gun in the deepest ocean, finding it a horridly unknightly weapon.
Then he heads off to Ireland, still hoping to possibly rescue Angelica who might, after all, be at the mercy of a sea monster.
It turns out, however, that there was may have been more need for chivalry than he realised. Bireno is not the prince charming of this story. He is, in fact, in love with his brother's fiancée, the daughter of the late king of Friesland. In a staggering lapse in chivalry, fidelity and being a decent human, he strands Olympia on an island off the coast of Scotland, and sails off.
Rogero and the Sea Monster
Rogero is currently wending is way towards Logistilla's kingdom across a desolate beach. He's being pursued - in a leisurely, teasing sort of way - by Alcina the sorceress and two of her friends. They are are floating along on carpets taunting him with wine and wiles. Eventually he finds a ferry; the ferryman is pleased to see him, and even more pleased that he's escaped Alcina. They set sail, only to find themselves pursued by Alcina's fleet. Alcina herself is no longer so placid. The ferryman reminds Rogero that he's carrying magic shield of dazzling. He unveils it, and his pursuers are dazed and dazzled. Alcina's fleet flounders, and Rogero docks at Logistilla's castle.
Melissa and Alstopho are already here; Melissa introduces Rogero to Logistilla, and explains all about her hero breeding program. Logistilla understands how important it is to get Rogero to Charlemagne's side and hence Bradamante, and the most efficient way she can think of is to teach him how to ride the hippogriff properly.
Thanks, says Rogero, and takes off in the other direction.
He's not being obtuse, exactly, it's just that he really enjoys flying the hippogriff. He flies quickly round the world - Catay, Sericane, Russia, those sort of places - before deciding he better get on with it. However, navigation is not his strong suit, and he lands in London.
London, you may recall, is where Rinaldo was headed, and here he is. He is watching a parade of all the troops that England is supplying to succour Charlemagne.
There are a lot of them. They include Zerbino, son of the Scottish king, who we'll hear more of later. Rogero watches politely, but is technically on the other side so doesn't get involved. Instead, he heads off for Ireland.
Navigation is not his strong suit.
Flying over the seas around Ireland, he sees the island of Ebuda, where there's a naked woman tied to a rock. Rogero doesn't really know Angelica, but she is the most beautiful princess in Asia and possibly the world, and besides, it's pretty clear what a knight ought to do in this situation.
He swoops in to ask her what she's doing tied naked to a rock.
"Untie me, you jerk!"During the conversation, the orc arises from the sea, yawns, and heads over for breakfast. Rogero remounts the hippogriff and charges the orc with his lance. He bounces off. He tries again, and again, but is unable to find a weak spot. Meanwhile, the orc is thrashing around pretty badly, and the hippogriff is in danger of become waterlogged.
"Hey, I was just making conversation!"
Fortunately, he has other means at his disposal. He flies back down to Angelica and puts his ring of magic resistance and also invisibility on her finger. Then he takes the covering off his magic shield of dazzling.
Rogero looks contemplatively at the dazed orc, wondering if he might have leisure to find a weak spot, but Angelica attracts his attention.
"Untie me, you jerk!"(Rogero's rescue count: +1 princess)
Rogero flies back to Brittany, and along the way becomes very conscious that he has a naked princess on his hippogriff. He lands in a nice little meadow, and starts to behave in a remarkably unchivalrous manner.
(Rogero is docked one rescue point for unknightly behaviour: -1 )
Angelica, however, looks down at her hand, and realises that the ring that Rogero put on her finger is none other than the ring that Brunello stole from her back in Albracca. The ring of magic resistance and also invisibility. She promptly puts it in her mouth, and vanishes from sight.
Ariosto does not record that she kicks Rogero in the nads at this point, but I like to think she does. Angelica takes invisible refuge in the cave of an old herdsman, stealing his food and, somehow, a peasant's dress.
Rogero is stricken with remorse, shame and regret. As far as he knows, the ring was a gift from Bradamante, so he feels pretty fucking rotten at having lost it while attempting to force himself on another princess.
And then he realises that he never tied up the hippogriff, and that's flown off and all.
He trudges off.
After a sulky wander, he hears the sound of battle. He rushes over to see a knight fighting a giant. The giant's club split's the knight's helmet - it's Bradamante! Oh no!
Rogero challenges, but the giant grabs the lady, and runs! Rogero gives chase!
Furioso Fishing
Orlando is now heading out to Ebuda, but a storm blows up and he finds himself lost at sea for a bit. By the time he gets to the island, Oberto, the king of Ireland, is already there. He can also see that there's a naked lady tied to a rock, and they can see that the sea monster is coming for a meal.
"We're going to need a bigger boat."Orlando tells his pilot that he has a plan. He asks for the longest, toughest cable aboard, and the ship's anchor. Then he takes a skiff and rows out between the orc and the rock. As the beast approaches, he hefts the cable and the anchor and leaps into the monster's mouth. He jams the anchor into the thing's palate and wedges its jaws open. Then he draws his sword and starts slashing the thing from inside.
The orc dives; Orlando swims free. He drags the cable back to the island, finds somewhere to brace himself, and reels the monster in.
It's dead by the time he pulls it ashore.
This does not please the island folk: their whole seaborne kidnapping livelihood has just been destroyed. They surge towards Orlando in a rage, but it turns out they've never fought an invulnerable knight before. Orlando kills enough of them to reach his way to the lady - who is not, it turns out, Angelica. It is Olympia. It turns out the islanders had picked her up from her island only this morning. She explains her predicament to Orlando. Orlando is not happy.
(Orlando's rescue count: +1 damsel)
Orlando sees Oberto's ship, and figures he can probably find Olympia a dress there. Oberto is a bit alarmed at being approached by two naked people, one of them covered head to toe in gore, but after some observation he recognises Orlando from his time in France, and also falls in love with Olympia.
"Eyes front, your majesty."Orlando relates Olympia's sorry story.
So, she's single then, says Oberto.
Orlando insists at least that Olympia is dressed before any wooing happens. He heads off after Angelica, content in the knowledge that Oberto is going to marry Olympia and raze Friesland and Holland to the ground.
Atlantes' Trap Dome
Orlando tromps all over Europe, unable to find Angelica - until, in an amazing stroke of luck, he sees her! She's being carried off by a knight! He gives chase!
Orlando's horse Brigliadoro is one of the best in Europe, but the rogue knight outdistances him. Eventually, though, the pursuit ends at a lofty mansion, with a gate of gold. Orlando sees the knight carry Angelica across the threshold.
But when he crosses it himself, neither is anywhere to be seen.
Orlando goes frantic trying to escape, but now he can't find a way out. Worse, he can hear Angelica, calling to him and complaining about the lack of effective rescue.
Unknown to Orlando, there are other knights here: the Saracens Gradasso, Ferrau and Sacripant, as well as his best friend Brandimart, somehow. However, the magic of the dome means that they can't interact with each other, and don't know that the others are even there. Each of the knights has the same story: someone stole something of value - a horse, a sword, a girlfriend - and when they pursued, they found themselves trapped in the dome.
This is another of Atlantes' magic traps, laid for Rogero - and anyone else that happens by.
Happily for Atlantes, then, Rogero is the next to burst in. He starts tearing through the manor looking for Bradamante and the giant that - he thinks - kidnapped her.
Help is at hand, however: a shifty sorceress-princess is passing by. Angelica is idly wondering whether Orlando or Sacripant would be the least worst option to take her back home, when she notices a highly magical manor. Concealed by the magic ring, she sneaks in and finds both of them.
She reveals herself to Sacripant - but the ring dispels Atlantes' spells, so she's also facing Orlando and Ferrau, who immediately start fighting with Sacripant over her. And Rogero, who looks shifty.
"Alright, boys, I've had a really shit couple of weeks and all I really want is one of you knightly arseholes to escort me back to India."Angelica puts her ring back in her mouth, and vanishes.
"And then marry you?'
"Not even vaguely part of the deal."
"Then we shall fight to see who shall marry you."
"You know what? Fuck you guys. I've got a magic ring, a horse and a peasant's dress, I'll take my own fucking chances."
(Angelica's rescue count: +6 knights)
The three knights that are actually in love with Angelica rush off into the forest. Sacripant and Ferrau start arguing, and Sacripant says that he would challenge Ferrau to a duel if he was smart enough to wear a helmet. Ferrau explains his quest: he's vowed to wear no helmet until he's claimed Orlando's.
Orlando, says Sacripant, give him your helmet so I can thump him.
Fuck that, says Orlando, I'll take off my helmet and thump him myself.
Orlando hangs his helmet on a branch, and goes at Ferrau. Ferrau, it turns out, has much the same enchantment that Orlando does: his skin is invulnerable. The fight is therefore brutal but indecisive.
Angelica, it turns out, is close enough to watch. She's still considering asking Orlando to escort her home. She picks up the helmet to see what all the fuss is about.
A little later, Ferrau looks up from the fight to see the helmet missing. He calls off the fight and, thinking Sacripant has nicked it, runs off into the forest in pursuit. Angelica drops the helmet and, again, flees. Ferrau picks it up, satisfies himself that it's Orlando's, and puts it on. He then heads back to his army by another route, telling everyone he meets that he fought Orlando and claimed his helmet.
Both of these things are true, he figures.
Orlando, a little confused and bewildered, wanders off, pausing only to massacre a couple of passing Saracen squadrons.
Isabel the Unlucky
It's not long before Orlando encounters a damsel and an old woman, arguing. Orlando asks what's going on, and the damsel - introducing herself as Isabel - says she'll tell him, even though she'll be punished for doing so by her kidnappers, who the old woman is in league with.
Isabel is the daughter of the king of Gallacia, and is beloved of Zerbino, Prince of Scotland. Unfortunately, she was a Saracen, and so Zerbino couldn't just ask for her had. They decided to elope. Zerbino, however, had duties: he needed to lead his forces to Paris to succour Charlemagne because of the Saracen invasion force. He sent a friend - Odoric of Biscay - to kidnap her so that they could be married. All went well until the ship was caught in a storm and sank; Isabel lost her dowry, but she and Odoric survived.
Which would be fine, except that now Odoric declared his love for her and also his intention not to take her to Zerbino. Odoric sent away Zerbino's loyal mate, and murdered his own loyal mate who dared to suggest that this sort of thing is not on.
Isabel was saved from Odoric, however: they were attacked by bandits and she was kidnapped and kept in a cave, which is where Orlando finds her now. This was some time ago, but she understands they intend to sell her into slavery.
Sounds like you need a hero, says Orlando. Isabel smiles wanly.
The knight makes short if messy work of the nearest bandits, and rides off with Isabel. The old woman slinks off into the undergrowth.
(Orlando's rescue count: +1 princess.)
Bradamante to the Rescue!
Bradamante is back home in Marseilles, harrying Saracens and brooding about Rogero. Then Melissa arrives, explaining that she's just rescued Rogero from Alcina, but that he now needs rescuing from Atlantes.
Fair enough, says Bradamante, and mounts up, and off they go. Melissa spends the trip filling Bradamante in on all the wonderful descendants she's going to have.
"Hey, Melissa? All these descendants - are there any chicks?"As they get close to Atlante's mansion, Melissa explains carefully what Bradamante must do. Bradamante listens with all the concentration and attention to detail that a knight can muster.
"Oh, yes, buckets. They are all models of virtue and chastity. Every single one."
"Right, but - any knights? Warrior chicks?"
"Why would there be any knights?"
"Ok, listen carefully. Atlantes has a spell that lets him disguise himself as whoever you love most. He uses it to lure knights into captivity."Bradamante finds herself trapped in Atlantes' magic dome - which is, at least, blessedly free from other knights at the moment.
"You've told me this a million times, Melissa. I understand."
"In your case, that'll be Rogero. Now, Atlantes has already captured Rogero (again) so if you see Rogero beset by fantastic beasts, you're to ignore the beasts and kill Rogero, because it's actually Atlantes."
"Kill Rogero. Gotcha."
"This is important, Bradamante."
"I know, I know... Holy shit! Rogero is being attacked by giants! I better go rescue him!"
"Don't go rescue- ah, fuck."
Rescue tally:
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 6
Bradamante: 5
Orlando: 2
Rinaldo: 2
Rogero: 0
Astolpho: 0
Next: The Battle for Paris!
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