The Myth: The Creation of the World! Feathered Serpents and Death Gods! Descent into the Mayan Underworld! Human sacrifice! Ball sports!
The Book: The Popol Vuh
The Author: Anonymous Guatamalan Poets
This text: A prose translation by Dennis Tedlock
Price: About fifteen bucks, apparently.
"This is the beginning of the Ancient Word, here in this place called Quiché."
The Popol Vuh is the Mayan Book of Creation, Life and Kings. It was written in Latin text in the Quiché language, to preserve the ancient teachings after the Spanish Conquest.
"We will write about this now, amid the preaching of God, in Christendom now. We shall bring it out because there is no longer a place to see it, a Council Book..."
The poets talk of the original and ancient Council Book, known only to people whose identity is a carefully guarded secret. The poets used the tools of their conquerors to preserve their culture. My take on mythology is irreverent, but I pay my respects to those poets and their descendants.
The Popol Vuh threads the creation story with some hero myths; this post looks at the creation of the world, and of people.
Building a world
In the beginning, there's nothing. Well, there's the sky, obviously. And the sea. And the gods which are in the sea: Maker, Modeller; Sovereign Plumed Serpent; the Bearers, Begetters; sundry others. Plus the god in the sky, Heart of Sky. But apart from that, nothing.
Heart of Sky comes down to talk to Sovereign Plumed Serpent and says: Are we going to do this thing? And then: How are we going to do this thing?
Sovereign Plumed Serpent responds, we should probably get rid of some of this water.
So they drain the ocean a bit and the earth rises out of it, which they call "Earth".
And in doing so, the mountains separate out, and the mountain plain, and groves of trees and so forth.
Plumed Serpent is pretty happy with this.
But there is a problem: at some point dawn will happen, and they need to be ready.
Humans: Research and Development
The gods get to work and make animals: deer, birds, pumas, jaguars, serpents, rattlesnakes, fer-de-lances. They make sure they all have a place in the world, build nests for the birds, tell them whether they're supposed to be standing or on all fours.
And once everything is sorted, the gods are pretty happy.
Then Maker, Modeller says to them, ok folks, you can worship us now. Whenever you're ready.
Miscellaneous animal noises.
Alright, says Maker, Modeller, you can't talk. Bit of an oversight, not ideal in a worshipper.
Miscellaneous animal noises.
Maker, Modeller decides to call the animals "food", and sets about making a new worshipper. The gods need someone who can sing their praises, obviously, but they also need someone who can count the days and hours, someone who can plant and reap crops. Time is going to be starting real soon now, and it will need to be counted.
Maker, Modeller tries to make people out of mud.
Mud doesn't work well. It doesn't hold the shape. The mud people can't walk, talk, keep time, multiply, or avoid dissolving in water. They are even worse than the deer.
Well, shit, says Maker, Modeller.
The gods consult Grandfather Xpiyacoc, the master of coral seeds, and Grandmother Xmucane, the daykeeper and diviner, who say that to make a proper human you really need to start with something living. Maker, Modeller takes their advice and makes some people out of wood.
These people meet some of the design specifications: they walk around, they reproduce, they kind of talk.
But they're dumb, and they've got no interest in counting hours, and they absolutely suck as worshippers. No respect for their creators at all.
So the gods send a flood, and they send a rain of fire, and they send Sudden Bloodletter and Gouger of Faces and Crunching Jaguar and Tearing Jaguar, and they set the dogs on them and they set their hearthstones on them and generally wipe them out.
But some survive. This is why we have monkeys. Monkeys who love mocking the gods.
Humans: Out of Beta
By this stage, the Bearers and Begetters reckon they've worked out how to make a proper human. They go looking for a spot that has all the right ingredients and they find it, at Split Place, Bitter Water Place. They're helped by four animals: fox, coyote, parrot and crow.
Sovereign Plumed Serpent makes a human out of yellow corn and white corn, and the bitter water becomes its blood. That works well, so the gods make a few more. The first people are named Jaguar Quitze, Jaguar Night, Not Right Now and Dark Jaguar. And: they're pretty good. They walk, they talk properly, they look, they listen, they think. They're pretty. They're entirely grateful to the gods for creating them, and they say so.
And the gods say, everything working ok? You can see and listen, talk and walk?
And the people say, yeah, actually, it's great. We can see everything perfectly. The entire world. And we know everything and understand everything. This is fucking awesome.
And the gods say, wait. And the gods say, god huddle.
This wasn't in the design specs, say the gods, we weren't supposed to make them better than us. Can we...maybe break them? Just a little bit?
So the gods mess up the humans' eyesight so they can only see what's in front of them, and mess with their heads a bit, and let them loose in the world.
And that's why humans are a bit crap.
But they were released on schedule, because it's just about dawn.
Next: The rise and fall of Seven Macaw
Thursday 9 August 2018
Sunday 29 April 2018
The Aeneid III: Another Trojan War
The Myth: Aeneas, a refugee from a war-torn land! Dido, a lovestruck queen! The vengeance of the gods! The folly of war! Violence and destruction, fate and fortune! From the Fall of Troy to the Birth of Rome!
The Book: The Aeneid
The Author: Virgil (29-19 BCE)
This text: A poetic translation by Michael J. Oakley - Wordsworth Classics edition.
(Previously...)
The Course of Destiny
Aeneas leaves hell and returns to his ships. The Trojans set sail. Good winds and promising tides lead them to avoid a promising harbour; this is Neptune making sure they don't land on the Circe's island.
Somewhere on the Tiber is the land of Latinus, son of a nymph and the god Faunus, descendant of Saturn. Latinus is the just and peaceful king of Laurentum, but he has no sons to inherit from him. He does have a daughter: the lovely Lavinia. Given how peaceful and prosperous Latinus' kingdom is, Lavinia is pursued by a great many potential suitors. The most relevant, most successful and the prettiest of these suitors is called Turnus. His mother is a nymph, making him half divine.
A freak swarm of bees prompts a prophecy from a seer: a horde of foreigners is coming; Lavinia is crowned and glowing with fiery radiance; the palace is also glowing with a fiery radiance, because it's on fire. This in turn sends Latinus into the sacred glade to ask a prophecy of his father. Faunus says, I reckon Lavinia should marry a foreigner, it'll be awesome.
Aeneas sails up the Tiber and makes landfall. This is it, he says, this is where Dad said we'd settle down, and we'd know it because we were completely out of provisions and can't actually go any further, so, yay. We'd best found a city. Or, at least, find some food. Aeneas starts marking out the boundaries of his future capital.
He also sends an embassy to Laurentum. The Latins invite Ilioneus, the chief envoy, to meet with Latinus in the sacred temple to the gods.
Heya, says Latinus, what brings you strangers here?
You're probably not going to believe this, says Ilioneus, but we're on a mission from Jove.
Actually, that makes sense, says Latinus, you're probably from the dude who my father wants to marry my daughter.
That does sound a lot like Aeneas, says Ilioneus.
Ok, well, welcome to Italy, says Latinus, I reckon he should be king and found a mighty empire and marry my daughter and everything.
Thanks, says Ilioneus, that was easier than I expected.
No worries, says Latinus, have some magic horses.
Juno, observing this, says, Fuck no.
Strife and Fury
Juno finds herself running out of options for dealing with the Trojans, and decides to ask for help. She descends to Hell and asks Allecto for help in turning the Latins against Aeneas.
Allecto is one of the Furies. She says: strife and torment? Sure.
Allecto heads to Latium, and finds Latinus' wife Amata. Amata is seething with anger. She favours Turnus as a suitor to her daughter, and is furious at the idea of her marrying some foreign walk-in. Allecto pulls a snake from her hair (she has snakes for hair) and puts it into Amata's heart. Amata goes to Latinus and demands that he call off the wedding to this outcast pirate. Latinus refuses.
This drives Amata into a worse frenzy. She flees through the city, pretending to be driven by Bacchus - a reasonably serious blasphemy, as it happens. She gathers the women of the city into a frenzied mob, and takes Lavinia out in the woods, ostensibly to be married to Bacchus.
Satisfied with this work, Allecto heads to Turnus' home, Ardea. She finds Turnus asleep, so she slips into his dream disguised as Juno's priestess Calybe. She tells him that the Trojans coming up the Tiber are going to steal his fiancee and his kingdom. Turnus shrugs his sleeping shoulders and says, what the fuck do I care about Trojans? Juno's looking out for me.
Listen here you little fuck, says Allecto. Turning full monstrous, she says: I don't give a fucking fuck what you fucking want, I want you to go and fuck up some Trojans.
Allecto shoves a burning torch into Turnus' chest, inciting an insane warlust and battle fury. Turnus gathers his men and declares war on the Trojans, saying that he's happy to take over the rule of Latium if it will help him.
This is still insufficient for Allecto. She heads out to find Aeneas' son Iulius, who is out hunting with some other youths. The hunting party comes across a giant stag, and shoots it. Unfortunately for Iulius, this particular stag is the tame pet of Latinus' gamekeeper, Tyrrhus. The wounded stag makes it home before dying, greatly upsetting Tyrrhus' family. Inflamed by Allecto, Tyrrhus gathers his men to seek vengeance.
Allecto reports back to Juno, who commends her for a job well done. Juno says she'll take it from here, and Allecto descends back to Hell.
Tyrrhus men fall on Iulius's party. There is a bloody, brutal battle, which sees death on both sides, including Tyrrhus' eldest son Almo. The shepherd return to Latinus with Almo's body, and between them Turnus and the frenzied women harry a reluctant Latinus. Feeling powerless to prevent Juno's will, Latinus abdicates in favour of Turnus, adding he considers this all Turnus' fault and he'll get what's coming to him.
Preparing for War
Turnus recruits all the local kingdoms into a giant Trojan-smashing army. He also sends a messenger to Diomedes, King of the Greeks, saying, hey, dude, we're smashing Trojans and we know you Greeks are into that sort of thing.
The rumours of war reach Aeneas, who is distressed: this was all going so well. He has a nap on the banks of the Tiber. The patron god of that river, Tiberinus, comes to him in a dream.
About time you showed up, says Tiberinus, we've been waiting for you. Got a plan for you and everything. Some allies nearby, dude from Greece named Evander, who has a city you'll need. All you need to do is apologise to Juno, and give me some fat sacrifices.
On waking, Aeneas sacrifices a white sow to Juno, and sets off the meet the Greeks. Evander - originally of Arcadia and recently of Etruria - has founded a modest town, called Pallas after his son. This, it turns out, is Rome-to-be, with familiar landmarks and sites of future glory. Evander is pleased to see the Trojans; they've been fighting the Italians with middling success, and he doesn't feel up to leading a war of conquest. But, he says to Aeneas, I reckon you can do it. Take my son and teach him warfare; take my people and lead them.
Venus, meanwhile, prevails upon her husband Vulcan to make a set of arms and armour for her son. Vulcan is not all that keen on supporting his wife's child, but Venus is persuasive. She delivers the armaments to Aeneas in a crashing thunderbolt.
Ah, says Aeneas, that'll be my mum.
Venus presents Aeneas with is magic armour. She is particularly keen to point out the shield, which shows scenes of Rome's future glory. The centrepiece is the battle of Actium, where the heroic Augustus Caesar and his right-hand man Agrippa stand with their heroic Roman army against the wicked Marc Antony and the even wickeder Cleopatra, and their army of gods and monsters.
Wow, says Aeneas. That's a pretty neat shield.
Iulius holds the fort
With Aeneas away, Juno sends Iris down to tell Turnus to get a shuffle on with starting the war. Subtle as ever, Iris makes a big show with a rainbow to impress on Turnus how important this is. Turnus takes the hint and shuffles on to attack the Trojans' camp.
Which the Trojans have fortified. And one thing about Trojans is that they know how to fortify shit.
Right, says Turnus, let's burn their ships.
Turns out Aeneas' ships can look after themselves: they're actually made from trees of the sacred groves of the goddess Cybele, who had agreed to keep the Trojans safe until they made it to Italy. That job done, and with her priests warning of Italians with torches, she asks Jove if she can have her trees back now. This seems reasonable to Jove, who turns the ships into sea-nymphs and sends them home.
Well fuck, says Turnus, and goes back to besieging the camp.
Two soldiers - Nisus and young Euryalus - look over at the besieging Italians and say to each other, I reckon I could take 'em. They convince Iulus to let them go on a secret mission to call Aeneas back. Iulus reckons this is a great idea, and offers them great riches if they are successful.
They are not successful. On the way out they notice how very drunk the Italians are, and decide to off a few. They kill several of Turnus' allies in their sleep, but the camp is roused and they find themselves in the thick of a mighty battle. Euryalus is killed, but Nisus makes it back.
By dawn, the Italians are violently angry, and launch a ferocious assault on the camp.
The camp remains fortified. Turnus' brother-in-law, Numanus, starts taunting the Trojans about hiding behind walls, pointing out that this didn't go so well for them last time.
Iulus shoots him.
This is the first time Iulus has killed someone in battle, and the god Apollo applauds from a nearby cloud, but warns him to stay clear of the rest of the battle.
Iulus' shot changes the mood of the battle, and the Trojan gate guards decide, fuck it, let's kill some Italians. They open the gate and rush out.
Turnus sees an opportunity and rushes in.
Turnus is half-divine and not shabby as a fighter, and he wreaks havoc on the Trojan forces. However, he is not a brilliant strategic thinker, and neglects to lead the rest of the forces in. The gates are closed and, after heavy losses, the Trojan leaders are able to corner Turnus. Turnus leaps into the river, and floats downstream to rejoin his forces.
Meanwhile, on Olympus
Jove points out to the gods that this battle is now a horrible mess: bloodied Trojans, murdered Italians, chaos, confusion - and Aeneas isn't even there.
Venus says, what the fuck are you going to do about it? That's my boy down there, and we said we'd help him.
Juno says, well I didn't send him to fucking Italy, did I? He listened to Cassandra, and now he's there, fucking up my Latins and generally causing chaos. This is not my fault.
Jove, fed up, says, I don't fucking care, let Fate sort it out. Nobody's to help anyone, we'll see what happens.
The Greeks' answer
Aeneas returns, somewhat bemused to see his former ships swimming away as nymphs. He and his allies are able to fight their way through to the camp, but Pallas is killed by Mezentius, former king of the Etruscans and now Turnus' right hand man.
Aeneas kills him.
The battle continues, with each side in turn getting the other hand. Kings and heroes on both sides are killed. Juno pleads for the opportunity to save Turnus, and whisks him a way from the battle. Jove points out that this is merely a reprieve, as Turnus is still fated to die. Eventually the Italians call for a truce to bury the dead, which Aeneas readily grants.
And then the emissary that Turnus sent to Diomedes the Greek returns, with a response:
Well, says Latinus, bit fucking late for that, isn't it?
Turnus is eager to continue fighting, but the mood of the Laurentum war council is against him. Latinus and the other elders put forward strong arguments in favour of seeking a peace with Aeneas. Turnus keeps the war going by force of anger and will, but slowly, slowly, starts turning in favour of the Trojans and their allies.
The final battle
Aeneas' forces eventually end up besieging Laurentum. Turnus' alliances are broken and his forces have fled behind the walls.
Fuck me, says Aeneas, but that was much harder than mum said it would be.
Rather than being captured, and unwilling to accept Latinus' advice to maybe marry someone else's daughter, Turnus challenges Aeneas to single combat.
This is all your fault, says Aeneas, you are fucking on.
The battle is brutal and fierce, with the combatants equally matched: Turnus' ferocity and brutality against Aeneas' skill and wit. But then Turnus' ordinary sword breaks on Aeneas' divine armour. Turnus flees, and Aeneas pursues.
The nymph Juturna, Turnus' half-sister on their mother's side, comes to his aid, disguised as his charioteer. She passes him a sword. Turnus and Aeneas face each other.
On Olympus, Jove turns to Juno. Juturna wouldn't have interfered without your say so, he says. It's time to let this end.
Juno pauses. Then she says, all right. But please: let the Trojans end here. Troy fell - let it stay fallen. Let Aeneas' people be called something else. Let them be Romans.
Very well, says Jove.
Aeneas' spear falls on Turnus, and he dies.
The end.
The Book: The Aeneid
The Author: Virgil (29-19 BCE)
This text: A poetic translation by Michael J. Oakley - Wordsworth Classics edition.
Price: According to the stickers, I got 20% off $4.95, quite some time ago.
The Course of Destiny
Aeneas leaves hell and returns to his ships. The Trojans set sail. Good winds and promising tides lead them to avoid a promising harbour; this is Neptune making sure they don't land on the Circe's island.
Somewhere on the Tiber is the land of Latinus, son of a nymph and the god Faunus, descendant of Saturn. Latinus is the just and peaceful king of Laurentum, but he has no sons to inherit from him. He does have a daughter: the lovely Lavinia. Given how peaceful and prosperous Latinus' kingdom is, Lavinia is pursued by a great many potential suitors. The most relevant, most successful and the prettiest of these suitors is called Turnus. His mother is a nymph, making him half divine.
A freak swarm of bees prompts a prophecy from a seer: a horde of foreigners is coming; Lavinia is crowned and glowing with fiery radiance; the palace is also glowing with a fiery radiance, because it's on fire. This in turn sends Latinus into the sacred glade to ask a prophecy of his father. Faunus says, I reckon Lavinia should marry a foreigner, it'll be awesome.
Aeneas sails up the Tiber and makes landfall. This is it, he says, this is where Dad said we'd settle down, and we'd know it because we were completely out of provisions and can't actually go any further, so, yay. We'd best found a city. Or, at least, find some food. Aeneas starts marking out the boundaries of his future capital.
He also sends an embassy to Laurentum. The Latins invite Ilioneus, the chief envoy, to meet with Latinus in the sacred temple to the gods.
Heya, says Latinus, what brings you strangers here?
You're probably not going to believe this, says Ilioneus, but we're on a mission from Jove.
Actually, that makes sense, says Latinus, you're probably from the dude who my father wants to marry my daughter.
That does sound a lot like Aeneas, says Ilioneus.
Ok, well, welcome to Italy, says Latinus, I reckon he should be king and found a mighty empire and marry my daughter and everything.
Thanks, says Ilioneus, that was easier than I expected.
No worries, says Latinus, have some magic horses.
Juno, observing this, says, Fuck no.
Strife and Fury
Juno finds herself running out of options for dealing with the Trojans, and decides to ask for help. She descends to Hell and asks Allecto for help in turning the Latins against Aeneas.
Allecto is one of the Furies. She says: strife and torment? Sure.
Allecto heads to Latium, and finds Latinus' wife Amata. Amata is seething with anger. She favours Turnus as a suitor to her daughter, and is furious at the idea of her marrying some foreign walk-in. Allecto pulls a snake from her hair (she has snakes for hair) and puts it into Amata's heart. Amata goes to Latinus and demands that he call off the wedding to this outcast pirate. Latinus refuses.
This drives Amata into a worse frenzy. She flees through the city, pretending to be driven by Bacchus - a reasonably serious blasphemy, as it happens. She gathers the women of the city into a frenzied mob, and takes Lavinia out in the woods, ostensibly to be married to Bacchus.
Satisfied with this work, Allecto heads to Turnus' home, Ardea. She finds Turnus asleep, so she slips into his dream disguised as Juno's priestess Calybe. She tells him that the Trojans coming up the Tiber are going to steal his fiancee and his kingdom. Turnus shrugs his sleeping shoulders and says, what the fuck do I care about Trojans? Juno's looking out for me.
Listen here you little fuck, says Allecto. Turning full monstrous, she says: I don't give a fucking fuck what you fucking want, I want you to go and fuck up some Trojans.
Allecto shoves a burning torch into Turnus' chest, inciting an insane warlust and battle fury. Turnus gathers his men and declares war on the Trojans, saying that he's happy to take over the rule of Latium if it will help him.
This is still insufficient for Allecto. She heads out to find Aeneas' son Iulius, who is out hunting with some other youths. The hunting party comes across a giant stag, and shoots it. Unfortunately for Iulius, this particular stag is the tame pet of Latinus' gamekeeper, Tyrrhus. The wounded stag makes it home before dying, greatly upsetting Tyrrhus' family. Inflamed by Allecto, Tyrrhus gathers his men to seek vengeance.
Allecto reports back to Juno, who commends her for a job well done. Juno says she'll take it from here, and Allecto descends back to Hell.
Tyrrhus men fall on Iulius's party. There is a bloody, brutal battle, which sees death on both sides, including Tyrrhus' eldest son Almo. The shepherd return to Latinus with Almo's body, and between them Turnus and the frenzied women harry a reluctant Latinus. Feeling powerless to prevent Juno's will, Latinus abdicates in favour of Turnus, adding he considers this all Turnus' fault and he'll get what's coming to him.
Preparing for War
Turnus recruits all the local kingdoms into a giant Trojan-smashing army. He also sends a messenger to Diomedes, King of the Greeks, saying, hey, dude, we're smashing Trojans and we know you Greeks are into that sort of thing.
The rumours of war reach Aeneas, who is distressed: this was all going so well. He has a nap on the banks of the Tiber. The patron god of that river, Tiberinus, comes to him in a dream.
About time you showed up, says Tiberinus, we've been waiting for you. Got a plan for you and everything. Some allies nearby, dude from Greece named Evander, who has a city you'll need. All you need to do is apologise to Juno, and give me some fat sacrifices.
On waking, Aeneas sacrifices a white sow to Juno, and sets off the meet the Greeks. Evander - originally of Arcadia and recently of Etruria - has founded a modest town, called Pallas after his son. This, it turns out, is Rome-to-be, with familiar landmarks and sites of future glory. Evander is pleased to see the Trojans; they've been fighting the Italians with middling success, and he doesn't feel up to leading a war of conquest. But, he says to Aeneas, I reckon you can do it. Take my son and teach him warfare; take my people and lead them.
Venus, meanwhile, prevails upon her husband Vulcan to make a set of arms and armour for her son. Vulcan is not all that keen on supporting his wife's child, but Venus is persuasive. She delivers the armaments to Aeneas in a crashing thunderbolt.
Ah, says Aeneas, that'll be my mum.
Venus presents Aeneas with is magic armour. She is particularly keen to point out the shield, which shows scenes of Rome's future glory. The centrepiece is the battle of Actium, where the heroic Augustus Caesar and his right-hand man Agrippa stand with their heroic Roman army against the wicked Marc Antony and the even wickeder Cleopatra, and their army of gods and monsters.
Wow, says Aeneas. That's a pretty neat shield.
Iulius holds the fort
With Aeneas away, Juno sends Iris down to tell Turnus to get a shuffle on with starting the war. Subtle as ever, Iris makes a big show with a rainbow to impress on Turnus how important this is. Turnus takes the hint and shuffles on to attack the Trojans' camp.
Which the Trojans have fortified. And one thing about Trojans is that they know how to fortify shit.
Right, says Turnus, let's burn their ships.
Turns out Aeneas' ships can look after themselves: they're actually made from trees of the sacred groves of the goddess Cybele, who had agreed to keep the Trojans safe until they made it to Italy. That job done, and with her priests warning of Italians with torches, she asks Jove if she can have her trees back now. This seems reasonable to Jove, who turns the ships into sea-nymphs and sends them home.
Well fuck, says Turnus, and goes back to besieging the camp.
Two soldiers - Nisus and young Euryalus - look over at the besieging Italians and say to each other, I reckon I could take 'em. They convince Iulus to let them go on a secret mission to call Aeneas back. Iulus reckons this is a great idea, and offers them great riches if they are successful.
They are not successful. On the way out they notice how very drunk the Italians are, and decide to off a few. They kill several of Turnus' allies in their sleep, but the camp is roused and they find themselves in the thick of a mighty battle. Euryalus is killed, but Nisus makes it back.
By dawn, the Italians are violently angry, and launch a ferocious assault on the camp.
The camp remains fortified. Turnus' brother-in-law, Numanus, starts taunting the Trojans about hiding behind walls, pointing out that this didn't go so well for them last time.
Iulus shoots him.
This is the first time Iulus has killed someone in battle, and the god Apollo applauds from a nearby cloud, but warns him to stay clear of the rest of the battle.
Iulus' shot changes the mood of the battle, and the Trojan gate guards decide, fuck it, let's kill some Italians. They open the gate and rush out.
Turnus sees an opportunity and rushes in.
Turnus is half-divine and not shabby as a fighter, and he wreaks havoc on the Trojan forces. However, he is not a brilliant strategic thinker, and neglects to lead the rest of the forces in. The gates are closed and, after heavy losses, the Trojan leaders are able to corner Turnus. Turnus leaps into the river, and floats downstream to rejoin his forces.
Meanwhile, on Olympus
Jove points out to the gods that this battle is now a horrible mess: bloodied Trojans, murdered Italians, chaos, confusion - and Aeneas isn't even there.
Venus says, what the fuck are you going to do about it? That's my boy down there, and we said we'd help him.
Juno says, well I didn't send him to fucking Italy, did I? He listened to Cassandra, and now he's there, fucking up my Latins and generally causing chaos. This is not my fault.
Jove, fed up, says, I don't fucking care, let Fate sort it out. Nobody's to help anyone, we'll see what happens.
The Greeks' answer
Aeneas returns, somewhat bemused to see his former ships swimming away as nymphs. He and his allies are able to fight their way through to the camp, but Pallas is killed by Mezentius, former king of the Etruscans and now Turnus' right hand man.
Aeneas kills him.
The battle continues, with each side in turn getting the other hand. Kings and heroes on both sides are killed. Juno pleads for the opportunity to save Turnus, and whisks him a way from the battle. Jove points out that this is merely a reprieve, as Turnus is still fated to die. Eventually the Italians call for a truce to bury the dead, which Aeneas readily grants.
And then the emissary that Turnus sent to Diomedes the Greek returns, with a response:
Oh holy fuck no! Don't fuck with the Trojans! Everything about that last war was completely fucked! Menelaus got fucked, Agamemnon got fucked, Ulysses got fucked, Pyrrhus got fucked, all of fucking Crete got fucked! We're sure as shit not starting that mess up again! Just let Aeneas settle wherever the fuck he wants to, and don't ask me for no god-damned favours!
Well, says Latinus, bit fucking late for that, isn't it?
Turnus is eager to continue fighting, but the mood of the Laurentum war council is against him. Latinus and the other elders put forward strong arguments in favour of seeking a peace with Aeneas. Turnus keeps the war going by force of anger and will, but slowly, slowly, starts turning in favour of the Trojans and their allies.
The final battle
Aeneas' forces eventually end up besieging Laurentum. Turnus' alliances are broken and his forces have fled behind the walls.
Fuck me, says Aeneas, but that was much harder than mum said it would be.
Rather than being captured, and unwilling to accept Latinus' advice to maybe marry someone else's daughter, Turnus challenges Aeneas to single combat.
This is all your fault, says Aeneas, you are fucking on.
The battle is brutal and fierce, with the combatants equally matched: Turnus' ferocity and brutality against Aeneas' skill and wit. But then Turnus' ordinary sword breaks on Aeneas' divine armour. Turnus flees, and Aeneas pursues.
The nymph Juturna, Turnus' half-sister on their mother's side, comes to his aid, disguised as his charioteer. She passes him a sword. Turnus and Aeneas face each other.
On Olympus, Jove turns to Juno. Juturna wouldn't have interfered without your say so, he says. It's time to let this end.
Juno pauses. Then she says, all right. But please: let the Trojans end here. Troy fell - let it stay fallen. Let Aeneas' people be called something else. Let them be Romans.
Very well, says Jove.
Aeneas' spear falls on Turnus, and he dies.
The end.
Saturday 28 January 2017
The Aenied II: Love in a time of prophecy
The Myth: Aeneas, a refugee from a war-torn land! Dido, a lovestruck queen! The vengeance of the gods! The folly of war! Violence and destruction, fate and fortune! From the Fall of Troy to the Birth of Rome!
The Book: The Aeneid
The Author: Virgil (29-19 BCE)
This text: A poetic translation by Michael J. Oakley - Wordsworth Classics edition.
Down into hell
The Sibyl leads Aeneas down into the underworld. In the early caves, Aeneas sees mostly casualties from the Trojan war, especially those unaccounted for but presumed dead. The caves become more crowded as they approach the river Styx. Here is Palinurus, who is worried about the fact that he has no grave.
The Book: The Aeneid
The Author: Virgil (29-19 BCE)
This text: A poetic translation by Michael J. Oakley - Wordsworth Classics edition.
Price: According to the stickers, I got 20% off $4.95, quite some time ago.
Dido's problem
It is at this point in the narrative that Dido realises that she has a problem.
Her problem is this: Aeneas is hot.
This is a particular problem to Dido, because when her husband was brutally murdered by his brother, she swore off men. She swore before all the gods, in fact, especially Juno. She swore that she would never again marry. If she breaks her vow, she and her city will be doomed.
But Aeneas is hot.
(There are practical geopolitical problems as well, such as what happens when all the African kings she rejected find out that she wasn't actually all that celibate, but the main issues are religious.)
She presents her problem to her sister, Anna.
There's something else you've forgotten, says Anna, which is that you've not had sex in a long, long time.
Shit, says Dido, I'm doomed.
She heads to various temples to placate as many gods as she can in the time she has left to her.
"I suppose I don't have to actually marry him..."
"Do you think that's going to fly with Juno?"
"...yeah, it's probably not even going to fly with me."
Meanwhile, on Olympus, Juno approaches Venus.
My girl there has a thing for your boy there, says Juno.
I noticed that, says Venus, do you think it will be a problem?
Could do worse than a Tyrian/Trojan dynasty, says Juno, what do you reckon?
That actually sounds pretty good, says Venus, but Jove kind of has other plans.
Maybe we could talk him out of them, says Juno.
He's your husband, says Venus.
I'll sort it out, says Juno, you get those two together.
Sure thing, says Venus.
Dido and Aeneas are out hunting when a storm blows up. Most of the party makes it back to town, but Dido and Aeneas are forced to take shelter in a cave. Together.
There, with thunder and lightning crashing outside, they are - um - wed.
Back on track
Pretty much immediately, rumours of Dido and Aeneas' liaison spread across Africa. Various African kings are pissed off, with some going so far as to petition Jove about it.
What the fuck, says Jove.
He has a bit of a look around.
His question remains.
Jove flies about in a rage, until he finds Mercury, the messenger of the gods.
Mercury, he says, I've got a fucking message.
Mercury flies down to Carthage, where he finds Aeneas dressed in robes of Tyrrian purple - a gift, of course, from Dido.
What the fuck, says Mercury, what the fuck.
Um, says Aeneas.
I've got a message from Jove, says Mercury, and it goes like this: hey Aeneas, do you remember that nice destiny you had? That one that had you founding the most glorious empire the world has ever known? In Italy, which is actually nowhere near Carthage? That was a mighty fine destiny, and it would be a great shame if anything were to happen to it.
Right, says Aeneas, I'll just, um...
You'd better, says Mercury, you'd better.
Aeneas starts gathering his people and telling them to prepare the ships, quiet like, and be ready to leave.
Dido, however, gets wind of it, and confronts him.
Were you planning on leaving, she asks.
I, um, maybe, says Aeneas.
You fucker, says Dido.
Hey, says Aeneas, it's not like I was planning on sneaking off without telling you or anything.
It's exactly like you were planning on sneaking off without telling me, says Dido.
You fucker, she adds.
Aeneas sneaks down to the docks and tells his people that it's time to leave.
Doom
As the Trojan vessels leave the harbour, Dido tells Anna that she has a plan to get Aeneas back. The plan involves black and terrible African magic.
Ok, says Anna, as long as you're not going to do anything stupid.
Dido prepares a giant pyre, and gathers Aeneas' arms, which he has left in the palace - either in his haste to leave, or as a gift to his new wife. As Anna gets the fire good and hot, Dido stabs herself with Aeneas sword and throws herself into the flames. The fire catches and spreads throughout Carthage, but Juno sends her handmaiden Iris to mercifully end Dido's pain, and carry her personally to the afterlife.
In the departing Trojan fleet, one of Aeneas' crewmen asks why Carthage is on fire.
I don't actually know, says Aeneas.
Safe in Sicily
The fleet heads back to Sicily, where they are met by Acestes. Acestes is the son of a Trojan noblewoman and a river god. The fleet is resupplied, and Aeneas pays respects at the grave of his father (who died in Sicily just before the storm that sent Aeneas to Carthage). Then he takes advantage of the relative safety of Acestes' kingdom to throw some games to cheer up his crew: a boat race, a foot race, a boxing match, an archery contest. Aeneas uses the games to settle some of the tensions among the crew, and then has Iulus and the squires give a horsemanship display.
As the Trojans are letting their guard down, Juno sees an opportunity to fuck with them. She sends down Iris again, with instructions to sow dissent among the Trojan women.
Iris disguises herself as one Beroe, and moves among the women saying loudly how great Sicily is and how it would be a really bad idea to move on to the Italian mainland. Then she takes brands from the altars of Neptune and tells everyone to burn the ships.
"It's what Cassandra would have done."
"Yeah, but what does Cassandra know?"
At this point, we realise that it's not just Venus who sucks at disguise. The lady Pyrgo points out that this woman is too young, too fit, too strong and too pretty to be Beroe, who anyway is off saying prayers at Aeneas' father's grave. Rumbled, Iris turns into a rainbow and leaves, telling everyone to burn the ships as she does.
The women of Troy are not entirely convinced: on the one hand, the pretty rainbow lady clearly wasn't Beroe; on the other, it was obviously a goddess. They decide to burn the ships just in case.
Word reaches Aeneas, who hurries down to the shoreline. The women quickly flee, but half the ships are burned to the waterline.
Well, this sucks, says Aeneas.
Aeneas deliberates on whether or not to stay in Sicily under Acestes' rule. It's kind of like being in Troy, say some of his men, or would be if we built some impossibly high walls. Aeneas finds himself somewhat swayed by this argument, and starts marking out a new city.
That night, he dreams of his late father.
Look, says his dad, this is all pretty rough and I understand what you're going through, but Jove sent me here to tell you: get your arse to Lavinium on account of your destiny.
There's more, adds the dream-ghost, but you'll have to come and visit me in the afterlife.
Righto, says Aeneas.
The next morning Aeneas consults Acestes, who tells him that there happens to be a cave that leads to the underworld on the mainland.
Aeneas tells everyone that he's been commanded by Jove to move on, but if anyone wants to stay with Acestes, that's fair enough and no-one will accuse them of terrible, gods-defying cowardice or anything. A number of the women take up the offer, because that nice rainbow lady had a point or two, and so do a number of men.
Venus is a bit worried about the risks inherent in sea travel, and asks Neptune for help in keeping her son safe. Neptune agrees, saying that only one sailor will be lost.
That sounds fine, says Venus.
The unlucky sailor is named Palinurus, who dozes off while at the tiller and slips in to the calm sea.
A clear and unambiguous set of prophecies.
The fleet lands, and Aeneas sets out for the temple of Apollo at Euboae. The Sybil sets out the relevant prophecies in dot point form:
- Trojans to Lavinium
- War
- An enemy hero, much like Achilles, also the son of a god
- Mostly this guy wants your new wife
- Oh, also: new wife
- Don't give into weakness, praise Apollo, etc.
That's great, says Aeneas, but I actually wanted to see my dad in the underworld.
It's easy enough to get down there, says the Sibyl, but getting back is the trick.
Down into hell
The Sibyl leads Aeneas down into the underworld. In the early caves, Aeneas sees mostly casualties from the Trojan war, especially those unaccounted for but presumed dead. The caves become more crowded as they approach the river Styx. Here is Palinurus, who is worried about the fact that he has no grave.
Don't worry about it, says the Sibyl, because (a) lots of people will remember you and put up memorials, you'll be fine, and (b) it won't do any good because you're dead.
Aeneas and the Sibyl approach the boatman, Charon, who complains about how taking living people is against the rules because they always cause trouble. He cites Hercules and Theseus as examples. The Sibyl tells him to shut up and then bribes him, and he takes them across.
As they cross the Fields of Mourning, Aeneas sees Dido. He mumbles an apology, but she just glares at him and wanders off to join her first husband.
Eventually, after much history, a number of old, dead friends, and a great deal of allegory, they get as far as the Fields of Joy in Elysium. They find Aeneas' father supervising a bunch of clean souls, rinsed in the waters of Lethe and ready to be born into new bodies.
Glad to see you, my boy, he says, wasn't sure you'd make it out of Carthage.
Who are these souls? asks Aeneas.
Oh, they're our descendants, says his dad, and there's absolute buckets of them.
Aeneas is introduced to various important descendants, with special attention paid to Romulus and to Julius Caesar. His father gives him a short future history of Rome, which doesn't mean a lot to Aeneas because Rome doesn't even exist yet. But Aeneas' father is clearly pretty impressed with the whole mighty destiny thing.
So what we need, says Aeneas' dad, is for you to go to the town of Laurentum, get married, and win the coming war.
Aeneas says, Righto.
Sunday 8 January 2017
The Aeneid I: From Troy to Carthage
The Myth: Aeneas, a refugee from a war-torn land! Dido, a lovestruck queen! The vengeance of the gods! The folly of war! Violence and destruction, fate and fortune! From the Fall of Troy to the Birth of Rome!
The Book: The Aeneid
The Author: Virgil (29-19 BCE)
This text: A poetic translation by Michael J. Oakley - Wordsworth Classics edition.
The Book: The Aeneid
The Author: Virgil (29-19 BCE)
This text: A poetic translation by Michael J. Oakley - Wordsworth Classics edition.
Price: According to the stickers, I got 20% off $4.95, quite some time ago.
So the Aeneid was written in the first century BCE, in part as a homage to the Emperor Augustus. It links up Roman mythic history with the Greek, by telling the story of a minor hero from the Iliad as he escapes the fall of Troy and sets himself up in Italy, incidentally founding a line that culminates in - well, the Emperor Augustus.
The setup is that Troy has fallen, and Aeneas has escaped. Aeneas is fated to settle in the middle of Italy, and found a city that will one day be the seat of the mightiest empire the world has ever seen. This is all part of the divine order, more or less. At least, it's what Jove and Apollo want tp happen. It's not explicitly stated, but this is basically what went down on Roman-Olympus:
Picture, if you will, a mighty - if currently incomplete - city on the north coast of Africa. This is Carthage, recently founded by refugees from the destruction of Tyr. The Tyrrians are ruled by their Queen Dido and worship the goddess Juno. All things considered, the city is doing pretty well: it's rich, it's prosperous, and it's lovingly cared for by its queen and its goddess.
Just washing up now on the shore nearby are a bunch of battered boats. These are also refugees: fugitives from Troy, recently sacked by Greeks. The boats are battered because Juno tried to sink them with a storm. She sank some of them. The fleet has been separated, and this is a remnant.
The Trojans' leader is Aeneas.
Aeneas is hot.
No, seriously: Aeneas is the son of the goddess Venus. He has blond flowing hair, glowing bronze skin, and a body that looks like its been carved from marble. Aeneas has many heroic qualities, but chief among them is his superhuman prettiness.
The Trojans do not know where they are. Aeneas takes a party to the clifftops to find out.
Jove looks down from Roman-Olympus and says, what the fuck are those guys doing in Africa? They're supposed to be in Italy by now.
He sends Venus down to check it out. Venus disguises herself as a Tyrrian maiden and heads down to sort things out.
Venus sucks at disguise.
Hello, storm-tossed sailors, she says, I am a normal Tyrrian human girl, wearing human clothes and human boots! Perhaps I might aid you?
Aeneas says, stop fucking around, mum, tell us what's going on.
Venus, clinging doggedly to her human maiden ruse and her human maiden boots, tells Aeneas the history of the local area. She explains how Dido's husband was murdered by his brother, and how his ghost told her to loot the treasury and flee. How she came to Africa and founded a new city.
Venus then asks Aeneas how he came to be there, but gets so upset when he starts to tell her that she offers to help him straight away. She envelops Aeneas and his party in a cloud so that they can sneak into Carthage.
My human parents taught me magic, she says.
Aeneas and his party head past the Temple of Juno construction site, which is decorated with scenes of the still quite recent Trojan war, and head to the throne room. Court is currently in session, and Aeneas is overjoyed to see some of his countrymen. These are the captains of ships from his fleet. We've lost our leader, they say, so we're not sure about going to Italy anymore. Maybe we could make it to Sicily, swear allegiance to Acestes who is also a Trojan?
Dido says that they're welcome to stay in Carthage, and she's happy to send a search party to see if Aeneas survived the storm. Especially since he sounds pretty hot.
No need! says Aeneas, announcing himself and stepping out of his cloud.
Wow, says Dido, you are hot.
Hey Cupid, says Venus, need you to do your thing. Disguise yourself as Aeneas' son Iulus, make Dido fall for Aeneas.
Sure thing, mum, says Cupid, this almost never goes catastropically wrong.
Tell us your story, hot stuff, says Dido.
Aeneas does.
The Fall of Troy
Aeneas tells his tale.
"So first up, fuck the Greeks, am I right? I fucking hate those guys.
"Those fuckers had laid seige to Troy for a fucking decade, right? And then one day they're gone, and there's this huge fuck off wooden horse. And someone says, hey, they left us a horse, lets bring it in to the city.
"And Laocoön goes, what the fuck you stupid fuckers, this is Ulysses' work, that things probably full of fucking Greeks. He throws his spear at it and says, we should burn it and them with it.
"But no-one does.
"And there's this Greek prisoner Sinon who's like, no, don't kill me, Ulysses was going to sacrifice me to Apollo, so fuck Ulysses - I can tell you what's going on.
"And this little fucker tells us that Ulysses had offended Athena, who'd said that Greek weapons were never going to harm Troy now, and then he says that Ulysses got all scared and made this horse as an offering to her, but they were worried that when they left we'd bring it into the city and Athena would love us and make us kings of Asia, so he had it made really really big so we wouldn't be able to get it through the gates.
"And we're all like, yeah, that sounds like a big pile of wooden horseshit, but then Laocoön and his sons get eaten by sea-serpents and we're like, yeah, maybe it is sacred to Athena.
"So we try and bring it into the city, and then Cassandra says, what the fuck guys, that thing's doomy as heck, you can hear fucking swords clanging in there. But what does Cassandra know, right?
"Long story short, the Greek armies hadn't gone any further than Tenebros and they sailed back after nightfall, and Sinon let out all the Greeks in the horse, and suddenly everything goes to shit.
"So I'm there half-drunk and half-asleep thinking, why is the city on fire, I thought we were past that now. And suddenly the ghost of Hector is there, and I'm like, dude, you died, and he's like, dude, get the fucking fuck out of here, the city is on fire. And he tells me to go past the royal temple and get the household gods, because otherwise they'll probably burn with the city.
"And I say, loot the temple and get the fuck out. Got it.
"And he says, look, it's not like that but then I wake up and get moving.
"I get to the temple and Pyrrhus has just killed Prince Polites and is menacing King Priam, and Priam's all like, this is a fucking temple, dude, you can't just kill people, what will your father Achilles think? And Pyrrhus cuts off Priam's head and says, wow, you're right, dude, that was terrible, I better go and apologise to my father.
"Fuck Pyrrhus, man.
"So I grab the gods and I head back to my dad's place, and I say, dad, we've got to go, the city's on fire. And dad says, I'm not leaving, I was born and raised here. So I say, fuck that, and I put him on my back and we head down to the docks. And by dawn we've escaped the city, and my dad and my son Iulus are with me. But my wife Creusa didn't make it."
And Dido says, so, that means you're single, right?
The Trojan Exodus (or possibly Odyssey)
Aeneas continues:
"Right, so I figure we'll put in at Thrace - these guys are our allies, right? But as I'm doing the rites to my mum, I find this weird tree, and well I pull it up it's dripping blood and there's this zombie corpse there.
"And the corpse says, hey there, Aeneas, I'm Polydorus, my father Priam sent me to the Thracians to keep me safe but it turned out it didn't work because they killed me and took all of Dad's gold. Fuck the Thracians, man.
"And I said, yeah, fuck the Thracians.
"We buried Polydorus and set sail. Fucking Thracians.
"We pitch up at Delos, which is ruled by Anius, a friend of my dad's. Anius is king and also a priest of Apollo, so he suggests we all have a bit of a pray. Fuck me if we don't get a prophecy then and there: there's a kingdom for us in the land of our ancestors. Specifically, dad's and my ancestors.
"And dad says, sweet, Crete's near here and I'm pretty sure we have ancestors from Crete.
"And I say, really? And dad says, pretty sure.
"And then we hear a rumour that the king of Crete had fled for some reason, and the island is practically empty, so we set sail for Crete.
"Turns out the reason Crete was abandoned is plague. We all get sick, and a bunch of us die. Fuck plague, man.
"And then I have this dream where the house gods tell me that Apollo didn't mean Crete, he meant Latium in Italy. And I say, well maybe next time he could be more specific, and they say, don't be so fucking impious. And that morning I ask my dad about it and he says, oh yeah, Latium, I remember Cassandra saying something about that. But what does Cassandra know, right?
"Next we stop at Strophades. Not for long, it's full of fucking harpies. Fuck harpies!
"We give Ithaca a wide berth. Fucking Ulysses, man. Fuck that guy.
"Then we stop at Mount Leucata, have some games, meet the locals. Then Chaonia - Chaonia's pretty cool, actually. In the time we'd been sailing, Helenus, son of Priam, had led a slave revolt, killed Pyrrhus, made himself king, married Andromache. Nice place. We're talking about staying there - Helenus is a Trojan, yeah? And Chaonia is just like a new, tiny Troy - but Helenus says, mate, I'd love for you to stay here, I really would, but there's a prophecy that says you're to go to Italy, and Apollo says it's a real bad idea for you to stay.
"Fucking prophecies.
"So later we're sailing past Sicily and right, Helenus has warned us about Scylla and Charybdis, so we dodge them, but he hasn't warned us about the blind fucking Cyclops. We're just pulling into shore and there's this Greek sailor, and he's all like, get me the fuck out of here! And we're like, dude, we're Trojans, we should really kill you. And he's like, hey, I'd rather be killed by Trojans than eaten by a blind fucking Cyclops. And then suddenly there's this blind fucking Cyclops and we get the fuck out of there. And we ask this Greek guy what he's doing there, and he's like, Ulysses is pretty great and all but he had to abandon half his crew there. And I'm like, no, fuck Ulysses, and he's like, yeah, actually, fuck Ulysses.
"So we figure we'll put in at Sicily. We didn't get to the nice parts of Sicily. My dad died there, did I tell you that? And then this big fucking storm blows up from nowhere and scatters the fleet, and the next thing I know I'm in Carthage with half my ships missing. But it turns out they're mostly pretty close.
"And that, my queen, is my story."
And Dido says, you are so fucking hot.
Next: Love in a time of prophecy.
"Of war is my tale, of the man who, exiled by fate
Was the first that from Trojan beaches to Italy came..."
So the Aeneid was written in the first century BCE, in part as a homage to the Emperor Augustus. It links up Roman mythic history with the Greek, by telling the story of a minor hero from the Iliad as he escapes the fall of Troy and sets himself up in Italy, incidentally founding a line that culminates in - well, the Emperor Augustus.
The setup is that Troy has fallen, and Aeneas has escaped. Aeneas is fated to settle in the middle of Italy, and found a city that will one day be the seat of the mightiest empire the world has ever seen. This is all part of the divine order, more or less. At least, it's what Jove and Apollo want tp happen. It's not explicitly stated, but this is basically what went down on Roman-Olympus:
"Ok, so we're agreed: Aeneas will escape the destruction of Troy, head to Italy and found like the world's best ever empire. Neptune?"Carthage
"Yeah, ok, Jove. I mean I liked Troy, but as long as a couple of them survive I'm happy, I guess."
"Venus?"
"This was my idea, dad!"
"Ok. Mars?"
"100% behind you, boss. Those guys are awesome."
"Always a worry. Athena?"
"As long as Troy still burns."
"Troy still burns. Ok. Juno?"
"I'm going to fuck up those fucking Trojans so fucking hard..."
"Sigh."
Picture, if you will, a mighty - if currently incomplete - city on the north coast of Africa. This is Carthage, recently founded by refugees from the destruction of Tyr. The Tyrrians are ruled by their Queen Dido and worship the goddess Juno. All things considered, the city is doing pretty well: it's rich, it's prosperous, and it's lovingly cared for by its queen and its goddess.
Just washing up now on the shore nearby are a bunch of battered boats. These are also refugees: fugitives from Troy, recently sacked by Greeks. The boats are battered because Juno tried to sink them with a storm. She sank some of them. The fleet has been separated, and this is a remnant.
The Trojans' leader is Aeneas.
Aeneas is hot.
No, seriously: Aeneas is the son of the goddess Venus. He has blond flowing hair, glowing bronze skin, and a body that looks like its been carved from marble. Aeneas has many heroic qualities, but chief among them is his superhuman prettiness.
The Trojans do not know where they are. Aeneas takes a party to the clifftops to find out.
Jove looks down from Roman-Olympus and says, what the fuck are those guys doing in Africa? They're supposed to be in Italy by now.
He sends Venus down to check it out. Venus disguises herself as a Tyrrian maiden and heads down to sort things out.
Venus sucks at disguise.
Hello, storm-tossed sailors, she says, I am a normal Tyrrian human girl, wearing human clothes and human boots! Perhaps I might aid you?
Aeneas says, stop fucking around, mum, tell us what's going on.
Venus, clinging doggedly to her human maiden ruse and her human maiden boots, tells Aeneas the history of the local area. She explains how Dido's husband was murdered by his brother, and how his ghost told her to loot the treasury and flee. How she came to Africa and founded a new city.
Venus then asks Aeneas how he came to be there, but gets so upset when he starts to tell her that she offers to help him straight away. She envelops Aeneas and his party in a cloud so that they can sneak into Carthage.
My human parents taught me magic, she says.
Aeneas and his party head past the Temple of Juno construction site, which is decorated with scenes of the still quite recent Trojan war, and head to the throne room. Court is currently in session, and Aeneas is overjoyed to see some of his countrymen. These are the captains of ships from his fleet. We've lost our leader, they say, so we're not sure about going to Italy anymore. Maybe we could make it to Sicily, swear allegiance to Acestes who is also a Trojan?
Dido says that they're welcome to stay in Carthage, and she's happy to send a search party to see if Aeneas survived the storm. Especially since he sounds pretty hot.
No need! says Aeneas, announcing himself and stepping out of his cloud.
Wow, says Dido, you are hot.
Hey Cupid, says Venus, need you to do your thing. Disguise yourself as Aeneas' son Iulus, make Dido fall for Aeneas.
Sure thing, mum, says Cupid, this almost never goes catastropically wrong.
Tell us your story, hot stuff, says Dido.
Aeneas does.
The Fall of Troy
Aeneas tells his tale.
"So first up, fuck the Greeks, am I right? I fucking hate those guys.
"Those fuckers had laid seige to Troy for a fucking decade, right? And then one day they're gone, and there's this huge fuck off wooden horse. And someone says, hey, they left us a horse, lets bring it in to the city.
"And Laocoön goes, what the fuck you stupid fuckers, this is Ulysses' work, that things probably full of fucking Greeks. He throws his spear at it and says, we should burn it and them with it.
"But no-one does.
"And there's this Greek prisoner Sinon who's like, no, don't kill me, Ulysses was going to sacrifice me to Apollo, so fuck Ulysses - I can tell you what's going on.
"And this little fucker tells us that Ulysses had offended Athena, who'd said that Greek weapons were never going to harm Troy now, and then he says that Ulysses got all scared and made this horse as an offering to her, but they were worried that when they left we'd bring it into the city and Athena would love us and make us kings of Asia, so he had it made really really big so we wouldn't be able to get it through the gates.
"And we're all like, yeah, that sounds like a big pile of wooden horseshit, but then Laocoön and his sons get eaten by sea-serpents and we're like, yeah, maybe it is sacred to Athena.
"So we try and bring it into the city, and then Cassandra says, what the fuck guys, that thing's doomy as heck, you can hear fucking swords clanging in there. But what does Cassandra know, right?
"Long story short, the Greek armies hadn't gone any further than Tenebros and they sailed back after nightfall, and Sinon let out all the Greeks in the horse, and suddenly everything goes to shit.
"So I'm there half-drunk and half-asleep thinking, why is the city on fire, I thought we were past that now. And suddenly the ghost of Hector is there, and I'm like, dude, you died, and he's like, dude, get the fucking fuck out of here, the city is on fire. And he tells me to go past the royal temple and get the household gods, because otherwise they'll probably burn with the city.
"And I say, loot the temple and get the fuck out. Got it.
"And he says, look, it's not like that but then I wake up and get moving.
"I get to the temple and Pyrrhus has just killed Prince Polites and is menacing King Priam, and Priam's all like, this is a fucking temple, dude, you can't just kill people, what will your father Achilles think? And Pyrrhus cuts off Priam's head and says, wow, you're right, dude, that was terrible, I better go and apologise to my father.
"Fuck Pyrrhus, man.
"So I grab the gods and I head back to my dad's place, and I say, dad, we've got to go, the city's on fire. And dad says, I'm not leaving, I was born and raised here. So I say, fuck that, and I put him on my back and we head down to the docks. And by dawn we've escaped the city, and my dad and my son Iulus are with me. But my wife Creusa didn't make it."
And Dido says, so, that means you're single, right?
The Trojan Exodus (or possibly Odyssey)
Aeneas continues:
"Right, so I figure we'll put in at Thrace - these guys are our allies, right? But as I'm doing the rites to my mum, I find this weird tree, and well I pull it up it's dripping blood and there's this zombie corpse there.
"And the corpse says, hey there, Aeneas, I'm Polydorus, my father Priam sent me to the Thracians to keep me safe but it turned out it didn't work because they killed me and took all of Dad's gold. Fuck the Thracians, man.
"And I said, yeah, fuck the Thracians.
"We buried Polydorus and set sail. Fucking Thracians.
"We pitch up at Delos, which is ruled by Anius, a friend of my dad's. Anius is king and also a priest of Apollo, so he suggests we all have a bit of a pray. Fuck me if we don't get a prophecy then and there: there's a kingdom for us in the land of our ancestors. Specifically, dad's and my ancestors.
"And dad says, sweet, Crete's near here and I'm pretty sure we have ancestors from Crete.
"And I say, really? And dad says, pretty sure.
"And then we hear a rumour that the king of Crete had fled for some reason, and the island is practically empty, so we set sail for Crete.
"Turns out the reason Crete was abandoned is plague. We all get sick, and a bunch of us die. Fuck plague, man.
"And then I have this dream where the house gods tell me that Apollo didn't mean Crete, he meant Latium in Italy. And I say, well maybe next time he could be more specific, and they say, don't be so fucking impious. And that morning I ask my dad about it and he says, oh yeah, Latium, I remember Cassandra saying something about that. But what does Cassandra know, right?
"Next we stop at Strophades. Not for long, it's full of fucking harpies. Fuck harpies!
"We give Ithaca a wide berth. Fucking Ulysses, man. Fuck that guy.
"Then we stop at Mount Leucata, have some games, meet the locals. Then Chaonia - Chaonia's pretty cool, actually. In the time we'd been sailing, Helenus, son of Priam, had led a slave revolt, killed Pyrrhus, made himself king, married Andromache. Nice place. We're talking about staying there - Helenus is a Trojan, yeah? And Chaonia is just like a new, tiny Troy - but Helenus says, mate, I'd love for you to stay here, I really would, but there's a prophecy that says you're to go to Italy, and Apollo says it's a real bad idea for you to stay.
"Fucking prophecies.
"So later we're sailing past Sicily and right, Helenus has warned us about Scylla and Charybdis, so we dodge them, but he hasn't warned us about the blind fucking Cyclops. We're just pulling into shore and there's this Greek sailor, and he's all like, get me the fuck out of here! And we're like, dude, we're Trojans, we should really kill you. And he's like, hey, I'd rather be killed by Trojans than eaten by a blind fucking Cyclops. And then suddenly there's this blind fucking Cyclops and we get the fuck out of there. And we ask this Greek guy what he's doing there, and he's like, Ulysses is pretty great and all but he had to abandon half his crew there. And I'm like, no, fuck Ulysses, and he's like, yeah, actually, fuck Ulysses.
"So we figure we'll put in at Sicily. We didn't get to the nice parts of Sicily. My dad died there, did I tell you that? And then this big fucking storm blows up from nowhere and scatters the fleet, and the next thing I know I'm in Carthage with half my ships missing. But it turns out they're mostly pretty close.
"And that, my queen, is my story."
And Dido says, you are so fucking hot.
Next: Love in a time of prophecy.
Sunday 20 November 2016
The Nibelungs II: Pretty much entirely blood
The Myth: Sivrid the Dragon-Slayer! Kriemhilt the Vengeful! Prunhilt the Warrior Queen! Love! Gold! Rings! Treachery! Bitter vengeance! Blood! Violence! So much blood and violence!
The Book: The Nibelungenlied
The Author: An unknown poet (c. 1200)
This text: A prose translation by Cyril Edwards
Price: about $AU20.
But first, the gold.
After murdering Sivrit, Hagen agrees to take responsibility for his body. Actually, "responsibility" is a fairly loose word; he drags Sivrit's body home and dumps it in front of Kriemhilt's chambers.
Needless to say, upon discovering her husband's corpse, Kriemhilt is grief-stricken.
She summons Sivrit's father Sigmunt. Sigmunt is also grief-stricken. Sigmunt orders his men to arm up to attack whoever killed Sivrit, probably Gunther.
Kriemhilt - suspicious of the hunting party but not certain, and unwilling to see her brothers murdered just yet - asks him to calm down until the funeral. According to genuine science, a corpse will starting flowing blood again if its murderer comes too close. Hagen is identified as the murderer pretty quickly.
Um, couldn't have been Hagen, says Gunther, because then I would have been complicit and haha that's ridiculous.
You fucking fuckers, says Kriemhilt.
Then her other brothers Gernot and Giselher join the mourning and the funeral service continues without descending into violence. Sivrit's body is returned to the Netherlands.
Kriemhilt decides to stay in Burgundy.
It turns out Kriemhilt inherits all of Sivrit's worldly wealth, which consists of all of the gold of the Nibelungs.
She has Albrich bring it to Burgundy.
Gunther and Hagen discuss the vast amount of gold. Gunther thinks that if he can convince his sister to forgive him, he might be able to access a little bit of it. Hagen is doubtful.
Gunther sends Giselher to ask instead, but Kriemhilt confesses that she doesn't feel entirely secure, and wants to keep the money to keep her safe. She might have been willing to share her gold, she says, if Gunther hadn't colluded with Hagen in Sivrit's murder. Then Hagen could have been executed and everyone would be happy. But no.
Kriemhilt uses some of the money to hire foreign mercenaries. Hagen points out to Gunther that Kriemhilt has enough gold to hire a lot of mercenaries - enough to take over the kingdom, should she choose. Better, he says, to just dump all her gold in the river.
That seems a bit unfair, says Gunther, I'm not sure if...
I'll do it, says Hagen, and he takes the key to the vault and dumps all Kriemhilt's gold in the river.
That will probably work out fine.
Another wedding
King Etzel of Hungary is possibly the most powerful king in the world. His beloved wife has died, and after a suitable mourning period, he is considering remarrying. He hears of the beauty of Kriemhilt, and that she's single again.
His vassal, Count Ruedeger, says he's met her brothers and they're pretty cool, and he's old friends with Hagen of Tronege. He offers to go see if she's interested.
That's a great idea, says Gunther on hearing the proposal, we'll be allied to the most powerful king in the world.
This is a terrible idea, says Hagen, she'll be allied to the most powerful king in the world.
You'll have a lot of servants, says Ruedeger.
I have a lot of servants, says Kriemhilt.
You'll have a lot of gold, says Ruedeger.
I still actually have quite a lot of gold, says Kriemhilt, though not here.
You'll be queen of Hungary, says Ruedeger.
I'm queen of the Netherlands, says Kriemhilt, and of the Nibelungs.
You'll have a lot of soldiers, says Ruedeger, and you'll be able to avenge any wrongs you've suffered.
There have been an awful lot of wrongs, Ruedeger, she says.
Kriemhilt agrees to marry Etzel, and sets off with Ruedeger for Hungary.
Kriemhilt and Etzel are married.
This will probably work out fine.
Off to Hungary
After seven years of marriage, Kriemhilt tells her husband that she would like to see her brothers again. Etzel agrees to have a massive festival, with Kriemhilt's brothers as guests of honour.
Excellent, says Kriemhilt, make sure Hagen's there too.
Ambassadors are sent. Gunther is enthusiastic: he figures she's probably forgot all about that murder and gold business by now.
Hagen thinks it's a bad idea.
Well, you could stay here, says Giselher, on account of you being the actual murderer.
Oh, no, Hagen's on the invite, say the ambassadors, he's gotta come!
Fine, says Hagen, but we're taking an army.
They pick out a thousand men and send them in advance.
After some days travel, they come to the Danube, which is in flood. Hagen finds some water nymphs bathing and steals their clothes. Because Hagen is a dick.
Gives us our clothes back, calls one of the women, and we'll tell you how your voyage is going to go.
Tell me first, says Hagen.
It's going to be awesome, says the nymph, you're all going to be super rich and famous.
That's great, says Hagen, and gives them their clothes back.
Just kidding, says another nymph, you're all fucked.
The chaplain might survive, they add, but the rest of you won't.
The Murderous Road to Hungary
The Burgundians ask the nymphs if they'll help them get across the river, and the nymphs point them in the direction of a ferryman. They say that's he bit difficult to deal with, but he'll come across if you pretend to be Amelrich, vassal of Else, the local lord.
Well, that's another thing entirely, says the ferryman.
Of course, the ferryman comes across and discovers that Hagen is not actually Amelrich, Else's vassal. Amelrich, Else's vassal, is actually his brother, so he knows the difference. He is pissed off, and explains that he is under orders not to ferry any stranger across the river.
That's a shame, says Hagen, because I've got a thousand strangers with me.
Fuck off, says the ferryman, and hits him in the head with an oar.
Hagen chops off his head and kicks his body into the river.
When Gunther turns up with the rest of the men, Hagen says, Hey, look at this cool ferry I found.
Turns out that Gelpfrat is pretty good at jousting. On the other hand, it turns out that Hagen is pretty good at treachery; as he starts getting the worst of the duel, he shouts to his brother Dancwart, who kills Gelpfrat.
Else and his forces charge the Burgundians, and the Burgundians rout.
What happened? asks Gunther.
It's a bit complicated, says Hagen, but Gelpfrat is dead and we should find another route to Hungary.
Fortunately, Gunther's uncle - Bishop Pilgrim - has lands nearby, and from their they're able to head through to Ruedeger's lands. Ruedeger, at least, is pleased to see them again. So pleased, in fact, that he agrees to let his daughter marry Giselher. There is a great deal of partying, and a great exchange of gifts.
(Hagen steals the sword of Ruedeger's vassal Eckewart, but feels bad about it and gives it back.)
So things are going pretty well at last, and will probably turn out fine.
Things go pretty well in Hungary...
Finally, the Burgundians arrive in Hungary, where they meet the great Hunnish heroes Hildebrant, Wolfhart and Dietrich.
Dietrich says that he's a bit surprised to see them, given that Kriemhilt is still in vocal mourning over Sivrit and she says that they killed him, but Gunther says, nonsense, we've been invited by Etzel and Kriemhilt and everything will probably be fine.
Riiight, says Dietrich.
The Burgundians ride to court, where they discovered that they and their men are all to be lodged separately. Kriemhilt greets Giselher fondly, but Gunther not so much.
This bodes ill, mutters Hagen.
Hey dickhead, says Kriemhilt to Hagen, did you bring me my stuff from Burgundy?
What stuff? says Hagen.
My Nibelung gold, says Kriemhilt.
I dumped that in the river, says Hagen, at the order of your brother.
You're a fuckhead, says Kriemhilt, and you should surrender your weapons to me.
Oh, you're far too high and mighty to carry my weapons, says Hagen, I think I'll hold on to them.
What the fuck is going on? says Dietrich.
The Burgundians are introduced to Etzel. Etzel remembers Hagen from his youth, when he was a hostage in Etzel's court, along with Walther of Spain. Etzel can't remember which was the biggest dickhead, but thinks it was probably Walther, who eloped with his daughter.
Things go to shit in Hungary
A little later, Kriemhilt takes sixty men to go and kill Hagen. Unfortunately, Hagen is pretty badass, and he's sitting with his ally, Volker the Fiddler. Volker the Fiddler is a kick-arse fighter and a kick-arse fiddler, and he's never heard an idea of Hagen's he didn't like.
Volker suggests quietly to Hagen that they leave the hall. Hagen says, what, and have them think we're chicken?
Good call, says Volker.
Hagen pulls out Sivrit's sword and lays it across his legs.
Kriemhilt asks her men what they're waiting for.
Yeah look, they say, between that fiddler and that sword, we're not going anywhere near Hagen.
Fine, says Kriemhilt, fucking fine.
Etzel gives the Burgundians a grand feast. Hagen and Volker remain alert and sober throughout. When the Burgundians retire for the night, Hagen and Volker stand guard. Sure enough, they seem some warriors skulking around.
Hey fuckers, says Volker, you reckon you could take us on?
The skulking warriors quietly skulk off.
Kriemhilt is not impressed.
The next morning, Gunther's men get dressed up to go to church, because it's Sunday. They're putting on their prettiest clothes, but Hagen persuades them to wear their armour and carry swords instead.
Etzel and Kriemhilt turn up to church. Etzel is surprised to see so many Burgundian helmets, and asks if everything is ok.
Yes, says Hagen, everything is ok, we always wear full armour at festivities.
Dietrich's men, seeing the armoured Burgundians, ask if they can joust with them. Dietrich says, no, those guys are psychoes.
Ruedeger's men ask if they can joust the Burgundians. Ruedeger says no, those guys are pretty fucked up right now.
Eventually, though, a couple of less-wise Huns and some Danes get a joust going, including a force led by the knight Bloedelin. The Burgundians do pretty well, to the point that Volker jokes that the Queen is going to have to award them the prize.
Then Volker accidentally-on-purpose kills a rich nobleman, and the tensions ratchet up another level. Huns start demanding Volker's head, but Etzel refuses, on the grounds that it was clearly an accident and anyway, decapitating a guest would violate the rules of hospitality.
Kriemhilt sounds out Dietrich regarding killing Hagen and Gunther. Dietrich refuses.
Kriemhilt sounds out Bloedelin. She promises him lands. And a wife. Bloedelin is initially reluctant, but land is land and wives are wives. He agrees.
At dinner that evening, Etzel introduces everyone to his and Kriemhilt's son, Ortliep.
Was thinking of having this kid raised by his kinfolk in Burgundy, says Etzel.
Dunno, says Hagen, he looks pretty doomed.
This comment makes no-one happy.
Blood and more blood
Meanwhile, Bloedelin takes his men to menace Dancwart, Hagen's brother. All the Burgundians have to die, he says, and Dancwart is to be the first. Dancwart is a bit confused about this, but agrees that if Bloedelin isn't going to back off, they will indeed have to fight.
Dancwart immediately decapitates Bloedelin. A bloody battle erupts. Most of the men on both sides are killed; Dancwart loses his entire force, but is able to fight his way to the hall where Gunther and Hagen are. He enters, covered completely in blood.
Guys, he says, we may be in a bit of trouble.
Ok, says Hagen, we'd better get kill everyone.
He starts with Ortliep. He follows up with a minstrel. He directs Volker to hold the door so that no-one can escape, and then starts murdering Huns.
Uh, Dietrich, says Kriemhilt, do you reckon you could get me out of here?
I've got my own problems, says Dietrich, your majesty.
Dietrich approaches Gunther, and asks if he might be allowed to leave, having not been involved in any treachery.
Sure, says Gunther, but don't take any traitors with you.
Dietrich agrees, but does reluctantly rescue Kriemhilt.
Ruedeger comes to a similar deal with Giselher, and rescues Etzel in the process.
The Burgundians start killing everyone who's left.
When everyone else is murdered, the Burgundians take stock and decide that there are far too many corpses in the hall. Giselher orders his people to throw out all the corpses. Seven thousand of them. Volker then demands a truce so that everyone can tend their wounded.
Etzel hears this and thinks he'll charge in and take care of the matter himself. Kriemhilt restrains him. Hagen taunts Etzel, demanding that he fight Gunther one-on-one and shouting that Kriemhilt always preferred Sivrit. Etzel does not take this well.
Kriemhilt offers gold and lands to anyone who kills Hagen. Margrave Irinc of Denmark takes up the challenge, and leads his men into the hall. Irinc challenges Hagen to single combat. His men tell him this is a bad idea.
Irinc duels Hagen, who is able to withstand his blows. Irinc withdraws to fight Volker, then Gunther, then Gernot, then Giselher. No-one is able to do any damage to anyone else but Giselher is able to knock Irinc down with a mighty blow to the helmet. Irinc is assumed to be dead, but is able to get to his feet and go for Hagen again. This time, Hagen is wounded through the visor, and Irinc withdraws. Hagen sends taunts after him; Irinc rearms and returns to the battle. This time, he takes Hagen's javelin to the head, and dies.
Irinc's last words are to his people: listen, don't accept the Queen's gold, Hagen's a fucking psycho.
The battle continues and several more Danish and other nobles are killed.
Blood, fire, and more blood
As evening starts to fall, Gunther sees twenty thousand soldiers outside the hall.
Yeah, look, he says, I'm going to ask for a truce.
Hagen is sceptical.
Your people started it, says Hagen.
The general opinion among Etzel's people is to get these fuckers out of the fucking hall and out of the fucking country, but Kriemhilt is against it.
She does offer terms, though: everyone can go home, as long as they surrender Hagen of Tronege to her. For no sane reason, her brothers refuse.
Is there any reason we haven't burned that fucking hall down, Kriemhilt asks her men.
Well, it's not very honorable, reply her men.
Burn that fucking hall down, says Kriemhilt.
The hall catches fire but - possibly because it's full of blood and corpses - it doesn't burn as well as it might. The Burgundians start to cook, but slake their thirst on the blood of the slain. Volker tells everyone to lie down and remain quiet.
A force of Huns comes into the hall to check the aftermath; they are shocked to discover that the Burgundians are still actually alive. Shortly afterwards, the Huns are dead.
One of Kriemhilt's soldiers sees Ruedeger, who is not participating in the battle and who actually looks quite upset.
Why aren't you fighting, says Kriemhilt.
Giselher is my son-in-law, says Ruedeger, and I really kind of liked those guys.
Whose side are you on, says Kriemhilt.
It's not that simple, says Ruedeger.
You swore me an oath, says Kriemhilt.
Yeah, adds Etzel, fucking get in there and kill everyone.
Can I go into exile instead, says Ruedeger.
Not really, says Etzel.
Fuck, says Ruedeger.
Ruedeger takes five hundred men into the hall.
I'm sorry about this guys, he says.
This fucking sucks, says Giselher. His brothers agree.
Ruedeger makes a gift of his shield to Hagen, who agrees not to raise his sword against the him. Giselher also makes himself scarce.
Ruedeger reluctantly attacks Gunther and Gernot.
There is a mighty battle, and both Gernot and Ruedeger are slain.
Well fuck, says Hagen, if only there was some way to have prevented all this.
Even more blood
Quiet in there, says Etzel after a while.
Ruedeger's dead, says Dietrich.
You're up, says Etzel.
You're up, men, says Dietrich.
Dietrich's men include a pretty serious bunch of named heroes. They ask to take Ruedeger's body away for a proper burial. The Burgundians refuse, on the grounds that Ruedeger was a good friend of theirs. There is a battle. It is a pretty huge battle.
Volker is killed by the old warrior Hildebrant; Dancwart is killed by Helpfrich. Giselher is killed by Wolfhart, killing him in turn. Hagen tries to avenge Volker, but though Hildebrant is wounded, he escapes.
Basically, everyone dies. Gunther and Hagen are the only ones left standing.
Right, says Dietrich, right.
No, says Hagen.
Right, says Dietrich.
Hagen and Dietrich fight. Dietrich reasons that there will be little honour in killing the battered and bleeding Hagen, so he captures him, ties him up and hands him to Kriemhilt. This enrages Gunther, but Gunther isn't in much better condition and Dietrich captures him as well.
Kill Gunther, says Kriemhilt to her men.
Gunther is killed.
Then Kriemhilt takes Sivrit's sword from Hagen, and decapitates him with it.
That's that, says Kriemhilt.
Not quite, says Hildebrant. He draws his own sword and stabs her with it.
Someone should have done that a while back, he says.
What a fucking mess, says Dietrich.
Yeah, says Etzel, what a colossal fucking mess.
Thus ends the Nibelungenlied.
The Book: The Nibelungenlied
The Author: An unknown poet (c. 1200)
This text: A prose translation by Cyril Edwards
Price: about $AU20.
(Part I.)
After murdering Sivrit, Hagen agrees to take responsibility for his body. Actually, "responsibility" is a fairly loose word; he drags Sivrit's body home and dumps it in front of Kriemhilt's chambers.
Needless to say, upon discovering her husband's corpse, Kriemhilt is grief-stricken.
She summons Sivrit's father Sigmunt. Sigmunt is also grief-stricken. Sigmunt orders his men to arm up to attack whoever killed Sivrit, probably Gunther.
Kriemhilt - suspicious of the hunting party but not certain, and unwilling to see her brothers murdered just yet - asks him to calm down until the funeral. According to genuine science, a corpse will starting flowing blood again if its murderer comes too close. Hagen is identified as the murderer pretty quickly.
Um, couldn't have been Hagen, says Gunther, because then I would have been complicit and haha that's ridiculous.
You fucking fuckers, says Kriemhilt.
Then her other brothers Gernot and Giselher join the mourning and the funeral service continues without descending into violence. Sivrit's body is returned to the Netherlands.
Kriemhilt decides to stay in Burgundy.
It turns out Kriemhilt inherits all of Sivrit's worldly wealth, which consists of all of the gold of the Nibelungs.
She has Albrich bring it to Burgundy.
Gunther and Hagen discuss the vast amount of gold. Gunther thinks that if he can convince his sister to forgive him, he might be able to access a little bit of it. Hagen is doubtful.
"She'll never give you her gold. Not after we killed her husband."Sure enough, when Gunther raises the subject, Kriemhilt refuses. Gunther swears an oath never to harm her again, but she still refuses.
"You killed her husband!"
Gunther sends Giselher to ask instead, but Kriemhilt confesses that she doesn't feel entirely secure, and wants to keep the money to keep her safe. She might have been willing to share her gold, she says, if Gunther hadn't colluded with Hagen in Sivrit's murder. Then Hagen could have been executed and everyone would be happy. But no.
Kriemhilt uses some of the money to hire foreign mercenaries. Hagen points out to Gunther that Kriemhilt has enough gold to hire a lot of mercenaries - enough to take over the kingdom, should she choose. Better, he says, to just dump all her gold in the river.
That seems a bit unfair, says Gunther, I'm not sure if...
I'll do it, says Hagen, and he takes the key to the vault and dumps all Kriemhilt's gold in the river.
That will probably work out fine.
Another wedding
King Etzel of Hungary is possibly the most powerful king in the world. His beloved wife has died, and after a suitable mourning period, he is considering remarrying. He hears of the beauty of Kriemhilt, and that she's single again.
His vassal, Count Ruedeger, says he's met her brothers and they're pretty cool, and he's old friends with Hagen of Tronege. He offers to go see if she's interested.
That's a great idea, says Gunther on hearing the proposal, we'll be allied to the most powerful king in the world.
This is a terrible idea, says Hagen, she'll be allied to the most powerful king in the world.
"And we did throw all her gold in the river."Kriemhilt is not, as it turns out, interested. She's still mourning her late husband.
"You threw all her gold in the river!"
You'll have a lot of servants, says Ruedeger.
I have a lot of servants, says Kriemhilt.
You'll have a lot of gold, says Ruedeger.
I still actually have quite a lot of gold, says Kriemhilt, though not here.
You'll be queen of Hungary, says Ruedeger.
I'm queen of the Netherlands, says Kriemhilt, and of the Nibelungs.
You'll have a lot of soldiers, says Ruedeger, and you'll be able to avenge any wrongs you've suffered.
There have been an awful lot of wrongs, Ruedeger, she says.
Kriemhilt agrees to marry Etzel, and sets off with Ruedeger for Hungary.
Kriemhilt and Etzel are married.
This will probably work out fine.
Off to Hungary
After seven years of marriage, Kriemhilt tells her husband that she would like to see her brothers again. Etzel agrees to have a massive festival, with Kriemhilt's brothers as guests of honour.
Excellent, says Kriemhilt, make sure Hagen's there too.
Ambassadors are sent. Gunther is enthusiastic: he figures she's probably forgot all about that murder and gold business by now.
Hagen thinks it's a bad idea.
Well, you could stay here, says Giselher, on account of you being the actual murderer.
Oh, no, Hagen's on the invite, say the ambassadors, he's gotta come!
Fine, says Hagen, but we're taking an army.
They pick out a thousand men and send them in advance.
After some days travel, they come to the Danube, which is in flood. Hagen finds some water nymphs bathing and steals their clothes. Because Hagen is a dick.
Gives us our clothes back, calls one of the women, and we'll tell you how your voyage is going to go.
Tell me first, says Hagen.
It's going to be awesome, says the nymph, you're all going to be super rich and famous.
That's great, says Hagen, and gives them their clothes back.
Just kidding, says another nymph, you're all fucked.
The chaplain might survive, they add, but the rest of you won't.
The Murderous Road to Hungary
The Burgundians ask the nymphs if they'll help them get across the river, and the nymphs point them in the direction of a ferryman. They say that's he bit difficult to deal with, but he'll come across if you pretend to be Amelrich, vassal of Else, the local lord.
"That's not what we meant."Hagen rides ahead, and calls out to the ferryman. The ferryman calls out that he's not some mere servant, and he's not coming out in this weather for a stranger. Hagen tells him that he's Amelrich, Else's vassal, and he has a lot of gold.
"That's all you're getting, fuckheads."
Well, that's another thing entirely, says the ferryman.
Of course, the ferryman comes across and discovers that Hagen is not actually Amelrich, Else's vassal. Amelrich, Else's vassal, is actually his brother, so he knows the difference. He is pissed off, and explains that he is under orders not to ferry any stranger across the river.
That's a shame, says Hagen, because I've got a thousand strangers with me.
Fuck off, says the ferryman, and hits him in the head with an oar.
Hagen chops off his head and kicks his body into the river.
When Gunther turns up with the rest of the men, Hagen says, Hey, look at this cool ferry I found.
"Did you find the ferryman?"Luckily, Hagen has some experience operating ferries, and takes everyone across - except for the chaplain, who pisses off. Hagen notices this and tries to drown him - the nymph's prophecy can't come true if the chaplain dies - but he is unsuccessful.
"No."
"Why is the ferry full of blood?"
"Stop asking stupid questions."
"Why did you try to drown the chaplain?"Across the river, Hagen warns that he might have some enemies in Hungary from last time he was here. Those enemies could possibly include the local lords Else and Gelpfrat.
"What did I say about stupid questions?"
"Besides, Else will be pissed off that we killed his ferryman."Sure enough, the Burgundians are accosted by Gelpfrat and his men. They ask who killed the ferryman; Hagen says that it was him. Gelpfrat challenges him to a joust.
"You killed his ferryman!"
Turns out that Gelpfrat is pretty good at jousting. On the other hand, it turns out that Hagen is pretty good at treachery; as he starts getting the worst of the duel, he shouts to his brother Dancwart, who kills Gelpfrat.
Else and his forces charge the Burgundians, and the Burgundians rout.
What happened? asks Gunther.
It's a bit complicated, says Hagen, but Gelpfrat is dead and we should find another route to Hungary.
Fortunately, Gunther's uncle - Bishop Pilgrim - has lands nearby, and from their they're able to head through to Ruedeger's lands. Ruedeger, at least, is pleased to see them again. So pleased, in fact, that he agrees to let his daughter marry Giselher. There is a great deal of partying, and a great exchange of gifts.
(Hagen steals the sword of Ruedeger's vassal Eckewart, but feels bad about it and gives it back.)
So things are going pretty well at last, and will probably turn out fine.
Things go pretty well in Hungary...
Finally, the Burgundians arrive in Hungary, where they meet the great Hunnish heroes Hildebrant, Wolfhart and Dietrich.
Dietrich says that he's a bit surprised to see them, given that Kriemhilt is still in vocal mourning over Sivrit and she says that they killed him, but Gunther says, nonsense, we've been invited by Etzel and Kriemhilt and everything will probably be fine.
Riiight, says Dietrich.
The Burgundians ride to court, where they discovered that they and their men are all to be lodged separately. Kriemhilt greets Giselher fondly, but Gunther not so much.
This bodes ill, mutters Hagen.
Hey dickhead, says Kriemhilt to Hagen, did you bring me my stuff from Burgundy?
What stuff? says Hagen.
My Nibelung gold, says Kriemhilt.
I dumped that in the river, says Hagen, at the order of your brother.
You're a fuckhead, says Kriemhilt, and you should surrender your weapons to me.
Oh, you're far too high and mighty to carry my weapons, says Hagen, I think I'll hold on to them.
What the fuck is going on? says Dietrich.
The Burgundians are introduced to Etzel. Etzel remembers Hagen from his youth, when he was a hostage in Etzel's court, along with Walther of Spain. Etzel can't remember which was the biggest dickhead, but thinks it was probably Walther, who eloped with his daughter.
Things go to shit in Hungary
A little later, Kriemhilt takes sixty men to go and kill Hagen. Unfortunately, Hagen is pretty badass, and he's sitting with his ally, Volker the Fiddler. Volker the Fiddler is a kick-arse fighter and a kick-arse fiddler, and he's never heard an idea of Hagen's he didn't like.
Volker suggests quietly to Hagen that they leave the hall. Hagen says, what, and have them think we're chicken?
Good call, says Volker.
Hagen pulls out Sivrit's sword and lays it across his legs.
Kriemhilt asks her men what they're waiting for.
Yeah look, they say, between that fiddler and that sword, we're not going anywhere near Hagen.
Fine, says Kriemhilt, fucking fine.
Etzel gives the Burgundians a grand feast. Hagen and Volker remain alert and sober throughout. When the Burgundians retire for the night, Hagen and Volker stand guard. Sure enough, they seem some warriors skulking around.
Hey fuckers, says Volker, you reckon you could take us on?
The skulking warriors quietly skulk off.
Kriemhilt is not impressed.
The next morning, Gunther's men get dressed up to go to church, because it's Sunday. They're putting on their prettiest clothes, but Hagen persuades them to wear their armour and carry swords instead.
Etzel and Kriemhilt turn up to church. Etzel is surprised to see so many Burgundian helmets, and asks if everything is ok.
Yes, says Hagen, everything is ok, we always wear full armour at festivities.
Dietrich's men, seeing the armoured Burgundians, ask if they can joust with them. Dietrich says, no, those guys are psychoes.
Ruedeger's men ask if they can joust the Burgundians. Ruedeger says no, those guys are pretty fucked up right now.
Eventually, though, a couple of less-wise Huns and some Danes get a joust going, including a force led by the knight Bloedelin. The Burgundians do pretty well, to the point that Volker jokes that the Queen is going to have to award them the prize.
Then Volker accidentally-on-purpose kills a rich nobleman, and the tensions ratchet up another level. Huns start demanding Volker's head, but Etzel refuses, on the grounds that it was clearly an accident and anyway, decapitating a guest would violate the rules of hospitality.
Kriemhilt sounds out Dietrich regarding killing Hagen and Gunther. Dietrich refuses.
Kriemhilt sounds out Bloedelin. She promises him lands. And a wife. Bloedelin is initially reluctant, but land is land and wives are wives. He agrees.
At dinner that evening, Etzel introduces everyone to his and Kriemhilt's son, Ortliep.
Was thinking of having this kid raised by his kinfolk in Burgundy, says Etzel.
Dunno, says Hagen, he looks pretty doomed.
This comment makes no-one happy.
Blood and more blood
Meanwhile, Bloedelin takes his men to menace Dancwart, Hagen's brother. All the Burgundians have to die, he says, and Dancwart is to be the first. Dancwart is a bit confused about this, but agrees that if Bloedelin isn't going to back off, they will indeed have to fight.
Dancwart immediately decapitates Bloedelin. A bloody battle erupts. Most of the men on both sides are killed; Dancwart loses his entire force, but is able to fight his way to the hall where Gunther and Hagen are. He enters, covered completely in blood.
Guys, he says, we may be in a bit of trouble.
Ok, says Hagen, we'd better get kill everyone.
He starts with Ortliep. He follows up with a minstrel. He directs Volker to hold the door so that no-one can escape, and then starts murdering Huns.
Uh, Dietrich, says Kriemhilt, do you reckon you could get me out of here?
I've got my own problems, says Dietrich, your majesty.
Dietrich approaches Gunther, and asks if he might be allowed to leave, having not been involved in any treachery.
Sure, says Gunther, but don't take any traitors with you.
Dietrich agrees, but does reluctantly rescue Kriemhilt.
Ruedeger comes to a similar deal with Giselher, and rescues Etzel in the process.
The Burgundians start killing everyone who's left.
When everyone else is murdered, the Burgundians take stock and decide that there are far too many corpses in the hall. Giselher orders his people to throw out all the corpses. Seven thousand of them. Volker then demands a truce so that everyone can tend their wounded.
Etzel hears this and thinks he'll charge in and take care of the matter himself. Kriemhilt restrains him. Hagen taunts Etzel, demanding that he fight Gunther one-on-one and shouting that Kriemhilt always preferred Sivrit. Etzel does not take this well.
Kriemhilt offers gold and lands to anyone who kills Hagen. Margrave Irinc of Denmark takes up the challenge, and leads his men into the hall. Irinc challenges Hagen to single combat. His men tell him this is a bad idea.
Irinc duels Hagen, who is able to withstand his blows. Irinc withdraws to fight Volker, then Gunther, then Gernot, then Giselher. No-one is able to do any damage to anyone else but Giselher is able to knock Irinc down with a mighty blow to the helmet. Irinc is assumed to be dead, but is able to get to his feet and go for Hagen again. This time, Hagen is wounded through the visor, and Irinc withdraws. Hagen sends taunts after him; Irinc rearms and returns to the battle. This time, he takes Hagen's javelin to the head, and dies.
Irinc's last words are to his people: listen, don't accept the Queen's gold, Hagen's a fucking psycho.
The battle continues and several more Danish and other nobles are killed.
Blood, fire, and more blood
As evening starts to fall, Gunther sees twenty thousand soldiers outside the hall.
Yeah, look, he says, I'm going to ask for a truce.
Hagen is sceptical.
"Etzel will never give us a truce, not after we killed his son."Etzel's response is basically, what the fuck is wrong with you fucking people?
"YOU KILLED HIS FUCKING SON!"
Your people started it, says Hagen.
The general opinion among Etzel's people is to get these fuckers out of the fucking hall and out of the fucking country, but Kriemhilt is against it.
She does offer terms, though: everyone can go home, as long as they surrender Hagen of Tronege to her. For no sane reason, her brothers refuse.
Is there any reason we haven't burned that fucking hall down, Kriemhilt asks her men.
Well, it's not very honorable, reply her men.
Burn that fucking hall down, says Kriemhilt.
The hall catches fire but - possibly because it's full of blood and corpses - it doesn't burn as well as it might. The Burgundians start to cook, but slake their thirst on the blood of the slain. Volker tells everyone to lie down and remain quiet.
A force of Huns comes into the hall to check the aftermath; they are shocked to discover that the Burgundians are still actually alive. Shortly afterwards, the Huns are dead.
One of Kriemhilt's soldiers sees Ruedeger, who is not participating in the battle and who actually looks quite upset.
Why aren't you fighting, says Kriemhilt.
Giselher is my son-in-law, says Ruedeger, and I really kind of liked those guys.
Whose side are you on, says Kriemhilt.
It's not that simple, says Ruedeger.
You swore me an oath, says Kriemhilt.
Yeah, adds Etzel, fucking get in there and kill everyone.
Can I go into exile instead, says Ruedeger.
Not really, says Etzel.
Fuck, says Ruedeger.
Ruedeger takes five hundred men into the hall.
I'm sorry about this guys, he says.
This fucking sucks, says Giselher. His brothers agree.
Ruedeger makes a gift of his shield to Hagen, who agrees not to raise his sword against the him. Giselher also makes himself scarce.
Ruedeger reluctantly attacks Gunther and Gernot.
There is a mighty battle, and both Gernot and Ruedeger are slain.
Well fuck, says Hagen, if only there was some way to have prevented all this.
Even more blood
Quiet in there, says Etzel after a while.
Ruedeger's dead, says Dietrich.
You're up, says Etzel.
You're up, men, says Dietrich.
Dietrich's men include a pretty serious bunch of named heroes. They ask to take Ruedeger's body away for a proper burial. The Burgundians refuse, on the grounds that Ruedeger was a good friend of theirs. There is a battle. It is a pretty huge battle.
Volker is killed by the old warrior Hildebrant; Dancwart is killed by Helpfrich. Giselher is killed by Wolfhart, killing him in turn. Hagen tries to avenge Volker, but though Hildebrant is wounded, he escapes.
Basically, everyone dies. Gunther and Hagen are the only ones left standing.
Right, says Dietrich, right.
"Perhaps we can reason with him, Hagen."Will you surrender, says Dietrich.
"We can't reason with him, Gunther, not after we killed all his men."
"I suppose we did."
No, says Hagen.
Right, says Dietrich.
Hagen and Dietrich fight. Dietrich reasons that there will be little honour in killing the battered and bleeding Hagen, so he captures him, ties him up and hands him to Kriemhilt. This enrages Gunther, but Gunther isn't in much better condition and Dietrich captures him as well.
Kill Gunther, says Kriemhilt to her men.
Gunther is killed.
Then Kriemhilt takes Sivrit's sword from Hagen, and decapitates him with it.
That's that, says Kriemhilt.
Not quite, says Hildebrant. He draws his own sword and stabs her with it.
Someone should have done that a while back, he says.
What a fucking mess, says Dietrich.
Yeah, says Etzel, what a colossal fucking mess.
Thus ends the Nibelungenlied.
Saturday 29 October 2016
The Nibelungs I: Blood and gold but mostly blood
The Myth: Sivrid the Dragon-Slayer! Kriemhilt the Vengeful! Prunhilt the Warrior Queen! Love! Gold! Rings! Treachery! Bitter vengeance! Blood! Violence! So much blood and violence!
The Book: The Nibelungenlied
The Author: An unknown poet (c. 1200)
This text: A prose translation by Cyril Edwards
Price: about $AU20.
The Nibelungenlied is bloody, very bloody. The first half sets up the characters, the relationships and the dynamics that lead to all the blood. The foreshadowing is hilariously heavy: any time anyone is happy, or successful, or sometimes just there, the narrator will point out that everyone is going to die horribly.
The second half is mostly blood.
This is the first half.
Kriemhilt
We are introduced to Kriemhilt of Burgundy as a pretty young lady who is going to get a lot of people killed.
In a dream, Kriemhilt sees herself rearing a falcon, which is ripped apart by eagles. Her mother, Uote, says that it means that she'll marry a good man who will pretty soon die amid a catastrophic descent into bloodshed and horror. Kriemhilt says that she'd rather not marry in that case. Uote says she probably will, that's how things work out, don't worry about it too much. Kriemhilt vows never to fall in love.
This will probably work out fine.
Sivrit
In the Netherlands, a young prince grows up straight and tall and perfect. He is well regarded, for his skill at arms, his lovely clothes, and his tremendous prettiness. This is Sivrit, who is knighted with great and elaborate ceremony. His parents immediately start grooming him to take over the throne, and his dad Sigmunt suggests that he might want to get married to one of the seven hundred women who have offered.
Sivrit, however, decides that he wants to marry the most beautiful woman in the world, who he understands to be Kriemhilt of Burgundy. He's never met her, but his heart is set.
Sivrit's mother, Siglint, suggests that this is a bad idea. Burgundy is full of psychos, she says. Kriemhilt's brothers - Gunther, Gernot and Giselher - are psychos. Their henchman Hagen is a psycho. Basically, everyone he's likely to come into contact with in Burgundy is a psycho.
Sivrit points out that he has a wide range of options at his disposal: if he is unsuccessful using diplomacy, he can always resort to violence.
This will probably work out fine.
Sivrit's backstory
Sivrit is already a little bit famous: as he and his train arrive in Burgundy, Hagen of Tronege relates his story.
Once upon a time, Sivrit met the two princes of the dwarfish Nibelungs, Schilbunc and Nibelunc. These two had pulled all their gold out of a mountain and were bickering about how to share it. Since they couldn't decide, they asked Sivrit, giving him the invincible magic sword Balmunc as a reward. However, the Nibelungs weren't happy with how Sivrit had shared out the treasure, so they ambushed him with twelve giants.
Thing is, they'd just armed him with an invincible magic sword.
Twelve giants and several hundred dwarves later, Sivrit found himself ruler of the Nibelungs. This didn't sit well with Albrich, the king of the dwarves, who put on his magical cloak of invisibility and attacked him.
One more dwarf later, Sivrit was king of the Nibelungs with a cloak of invisibility and Albrich as his chamberlain, treasurer and sworn vassal.
Then he killed a dragon and bathed in his blood, making him invulnerable.
He's a dick, adds Hagen, but we probably shouldn't piss him off.
Gunther and company ride out to meet Sivrit, and ask him what he's doing in Burgundy.
I've come to conquer all your lands, says Sivrit.
Fuck off, says Gunther.
Then can I marry your sister? asks Sivrit.
...maybe, says Gunther.
This will probably all work out fine.
War
Burgundy is currently being menaced by Saxons and Danes, led by the brothers Liudeger and Liudegast. A messenger says that Gunther has offended the brothers, and that they will bring their armies.
Never heard of them, says Gunther.
This does not please the messenger.
Gunther summons his brothers and his vassals and asks for their counsel.
Hagen says: Seems to me you've got two problems - Saxons sniffing around your borders, and Sivrit sniffing around your sister. You could solve at least one of these problems by putting Sivrit in your vanguard against the Saxons.
Everyone rides out to war. Sivrit outmanouvers the Danes and falls on their rearguard; he is pleasantly surprised to find Liudegast there. Liudegast begs for his life, and is taken prisoner.
The Burgundian host then falls on the Saxons. Liudeger is caught in a pincer movement between Sivrit and Hagen, and falls back. He is a bit put out that his brother has been captured, and tries to rally his troops, but after half a day fighting Sivrit he finally recognises his heraldry and surrenders.
Sivrit is very much regarded as the hero of the battle. Word of his deeds comes back to Kriemhilt, who asks for a full account of the battle, with special mention of Sivrit's prettiness.
Hagen, meanwhile, is pissed off that his plan to eliminate Sivrit has instead just raised his stocks through the roof.
Gunther treats his royal prisoners extravagantly, making sure they're well fed and comfortable, and that their surviving troops are healed and looked after. They are suitably chastened and impressed, but when they ask to go home Gunther refuses: there's going to be a huge celebration of their victory.
That sounds just dandy, says Liudeger.
Kriemhilt is very excited about the upcoming party, and prepares wonderful garments as gifts for the heroes. Especially Sivrit. She asks for very precise measurements.
This will probably all work out fine.
Wooing I
At the celebration, Sivrit sees Kriemhilt for the first time. On the one hand, he is pretty pleased that she is as lovely as he'd heard. On the other, he's quite upset that he doesn't actually have permission to approach her.
Gernot says to Gunther, Dude - the guy saved our fucking arses in that battle, the least you could do is let him say hello to our sister.
Fine, says Gunther, fucking fine.
Sivrit and Kriemhilt are allowed to approach each other. They take advantage of the formal ceremony to send subtle signals to each other. Those signals say: I think you're hot.
They spend a lot of time together. Officially, Kriemhilt is expressing gratitude to Sivrit for keeping her kinsmen and country safe from marauders.
Unofficially, the court is able to read between the lines.
Kriemhilt's mother does remind her of her oath to never fall in love. Kriemhilt returns with a compelling argument: Sivrit is terribly pretty.
Eventually Liudeger and Liudegast ask if they can go home. On Sivrit's advice, Gunther releases them on the condition that they swear an oath never to attack again. They also offer quite a lot of gold in ransom, but it's the oath that clinches it.
Sivrit, however, begins to feel that his suit isn't getting anywhere: Kriemhilt's all for it, but he can't get any word from Gunther. He too asks for leave to head home, but Giselher persuades him to stick around for the sake of his friends.
He agrees.
Meaning that he gets to see Kriemhilt every single day. Without being allowed to woo her.
This will probably work out fine.
Wooing II
Gunther, meanwhile, hears about a land of beautiful warrior-women, and decides he wants to marry their queen.
Gunther, no, says Sivrit, Iceland is full of psychos and their queen is the worst of the lot.
Hagen contemplates the idea of a land of psychos terrible enough to give Sivrit pause.
Hey, he says, if Sivrit's been to Iceland and met their queen, maybe he should be your guide.
That's a great idea, says Gunther.
Let's bring Hagen as well, says Sivrit.
What, says Hagen.
So everyone dresses up nicely and sails off to woo Prunhilt for Gunther. Dancwart, Hagen's younger brother, comes too.
(A note: It's never exactly stated that Prunhilt is Sivrit's ex, but it's vaguely implied. Apparently in other versions of the myth it's rather more obvious and explicit.)
The party of four rocks up to Prunhilt's castle, which is huge, and is defended as advertised by beautiful women with very big spears. Sivrit explains carefully that they shouldn't piss anyone off, and eventually they are brought before the queen.
Hey Sivrit, she says, what are you doing here? Ya wooin'?
I'd like you to meet my uh, liege, Gunther of Burgundy, he says, and recommend him as a bridegroom.
When everyone has finished laughing, Prunhilt asks is he knows what that entails. The trials and shit.
He'll do your trials, says Hagen.
Well then, says Prunhilt.
What? says Gunther.
You've got to defeat her in combat, says Sivrit.
Oh, says Gunther.
This will probably work out fine.
The Wooing Arena
They enter the Wooing Arena. Prunhilt has armoured up; her armour is impressive, all gold and silks and thick steel. Her shield and weapons are huge. She brandishes her spear.
Holy shit, says Gunther, that's a big spear.
Holy fuck, says Gunther, she's going to kill me.
Psst, says a voice at his elbow, it's me, Sivrit. I have a cloak of invisibility and I'd like to talk to you about your sister.
What the fuck, says Gunther, this isn't the best time.
But hey, says Sivrit, wouldn't it be really great if you had an invisible, invulnerable, impossibly strong hero on your side right now?
You make a compelling argument, says Gunther.
Prunhilt throws her spear. Sivrit, invisible, catches it and throws it back, careful not to actually pierce her with it.
Prunhilt follows with a boulder, and a mighty leap following it. Sivrit catches the boulder and throws it away, even further, with Gunther miming. Then Sivrit joins battle with a leap, carrying Gunther with him. Sivrit puppets Gunther through a wrestling match, which he - they - wins.
Wow, says Prunhilt, guess you're King of Iceland now, Gunther my boy.
That's great, says Sivrit, even though I didn't see any of what happened - we should head back to the Rhineland now.
Oh no, says Prunhilt, that wasn't part of the deal.
Prunhilt starts summoning her vassals, who bring their armies. Gunther is a little worried by this.
Um, says Sivrit, be right back.
Sivrit pisses off back to the land of the Nibelungs. There he finds the dwarf Albrich on the throne. They fight, and Sivrit wins.
Didn't you recognise me? says Sivrit.
Oh, it's you, says Albrich, you should have said.
Sivrit has Albrich raise an army of three thousand men, who set sail back to Iceland. He is able to convince Prunhilt that these are Gunther's forces, and that maybe they should all head back to Burgundy real nice like.
This will probably work out fine.
Burgundy nights
The party returns to Burgundy. Gunther tells Kriemhilt that he's decided she can marry Sivrit.
About fucking time, she says.
After the wedding, Sivrit and Kriemhilt retire to their bedroom. Gunther makes suggestive eyebrow motions at Prunhilt. Prunhilt takes Gunther back to their room, where she beats him up, binds him with leather thongs, hangs him from a nail and gets a good night's sleep.
It's nothing personal, she says the next morning, it's just that I don't find you very impressive and my strength is tied to my virginity.
After church the next day, Sivrit and Gunther get to talking. Sivrit is in a very good mood. Gunther is not. Sivrit asks him what's up - surely he is as happy with his new wife as Sivrit is with his?
Thing is, says Gunther, she, uh, beat me up, tied me up with leather thongs and hung me from a nail.
After some thought Sivrit says: wouldn't it be great if you had an invisible, invulnerable, impossibly strong hero on your side right now?
Gunther glares at him.
Oh, says Sivrit, I don't mean I'd... I mean, no, not with all the great sex I'm having with your sister. I just want to help you out. I feel I owe you, what with all the great sex I'm having with your sister. I sure am having great sex with your sister.
Gunther mumbles a response.
That night, Sivrit tells Gunther to make sure the lights are out. Gunther hides in a corner while Sivrit sneaks into the room. Prunhilt warns "Gunther" that if he tries anything tonight he'll get the same treatment. A wrestling match ensues; Prunhilt almost immediately gets the upper hand, until Sivrit sees red and throws her down onto the bed.
Wow, Gunther, says Prunhilt, you're so much less pathetic than you were last night!
Sivrit takes this as his cue to leave, and Gunther takes over. He is, happily, a better lover than a fighter, and Prunhilt is not unsatisfied.
Still. Before he leaves, Sivrit decides - for reasons that are never satisfactorily explained - to take her ring and her shift.
It will probably all work out fine.
Tension and Intrigue
Sivrit and Kriemhilt head back to the Netherlands. They are very welcome. Sigmunt decides that the time has come to hand over his crown to his son, and Sivrit is made king. As queen, Kriemhilt is much loved and incredibly wealthy, thanks to Sivrit's hoard of Nibelung gold.
Sivrit and Kriemhilt have a son, who they call Gunther, which is quite sweet of them.
Gunther and Prunhilt have a son, who they call Sivrit, which is quite sweet of them.
Gunther decides to host a festival, and invites his sister and her husband. They are very pleased to attend.
However: Prunhilt and Kriemhilt do not get on.
The key to this is the wooing episode, which led to Prunhilt losing most of her strength and possibly her kingdom, over which she may still bear some subconscious resentment. Crucially, during that whole episode Sivrit was presented as Gunther's bondsman and vassal, and nobody has corrected the record.
So when he turns up at the festival acting like a king, Prunhilt feels justified in giving Kriemhilt a passive-aggressive serve.
However, Kriemhilt - actually a queen - does not take kindly to this, and returns fire. This escalates until Kriemhilt lets loose something that can not be taken back: How come my husband has your underwear and jewellery? Is it because you're a big fat slut?
Prunhilt has no actual idea why Sivrit has her underwear and jewellery, and as far as she's concerned this is utter, utter libel, and possibly theft and treason as well. The two queens part on extremely frosty terms.
Hagen sidles up to Prunhilt and says, what was all that about?
Prunhilt tells her side of the story. Hagen suggests that maybe things would be better if Sivrit weren't around.
Prunhilt does not disagree.
Hagen sidles up to Kriemhilt and says, hey, does Sivrit have any weaknesses?
Kriemhilt, who has been friends with Hagen since childhood and has no reason to mistrust him except for his personality and his weird closeness with her brother's psycho wife, says, yeah.
It turns out that when Sivrit killed the dragon and bathed in its blood, there was a linden leaf on his shoulder, and that spot is theoretically vulnerable. Kriemhilt is always worried that a stray spear is going to hit him in exactly that spot and he'll die.
Hagen suggests that if maybe she sewed a little mark on his tunic over the exact spot, Hagen and the boys could look out for him, make sure nothing goes near it.
Kriemhilt says that sounds entirely reasonable, and thanks him for being such a true and loyal friend.
This will probably all work out fine.
Things do not work out fine
Hagen fosters rumours that Liudeger and Liudegast are planning to attack again. Sivrit immediately volunteers to lead the vanguard, just like last time. This serves to separate Sivrit from his own knights.
Hagen also lets Gunther know that Sivrit is behind the tensions between Kriemhilt and Prunhilt. This sends Gunther into a dark mood, believing that Sivrit has betrayed the secret of his wedding night.
Once they've ridden out, Hagen tells Sivrit that the war has been called off, and they should go hunting instead. Sivrit thinks this is a great idea, and immediately hunts down some boars, a lion, some aurochs, wild bulls, and a live bear, which is soon a dead bear. He's a bit puffed out after all of this and suggests that they stop for a drink.
Oh no, says Gunther, Hagen forgot to order the wine.
Don't worry, says Sivrit, I found a spring nearby.
Let's race, says Hagen.
Everyone strips down to their tunics. Sivrit wins the race, but offers Gunther and Hagen the first drinks.
Gunther accepts, but Hagen says: Oh no. After you.
As Sivrid lays down to drink, Hagen takes his javelin and spears him through the mark on his tunic.
You fucker, says Sivrid.
And dies.
Next: Blood. So much blood.
The Book: The Nibelungenlied
The Author: An unknown poet (c. 1200)
This text: A prose translation by Cyril Edwards
Price: about $AU20.
The Nibelungenlied is bloody, very bloody. The first half sets up the characters, the relationships and the dynamics that lead to all the blood. The foreshadowing is hilariously heavy: any time anyone is happy, or successful, or sometimes just there, the narrator will point out that everyone is going to die horribly.
The second half is mostly blood.
This is the first half.
Kriemhilt
We are introduced to Kriemhilt of Burgundy as a pretty young lady who is going to get a lot of people killed.
In a dream, Kriemhilt sees herself rearing a falcon, which is ripped apart by eagles. Her mother, Uote, says that it means that she'll marry a good man who will pretty soon die amid a catastrophic descent into bloodshed and horror. Kriemhilt says that she'd rather not marry in that case. Uote says she probably will, that's how things work out, don't worry about it too much. Kriemhilt vows never to fall in love.
This will probably work out fine.
Sivrit
In the Netherlands, a young prince grows up straight and tall and perfect. He is well regarded, for his skill at arms, his lovely clothes, and his tremendous prettiness. This is Sivrit, who is knighted with great and elaborate ceremony. His parents immediately start grooming him to take over the throne, and his dad Sigmunt suggests that he might want to get married to one of the seven hundred women who have offered.
Sivrit, however, decides that he wants to marry the most beautiful woman in the world, who he understands to be Kriemhilt of Burgundy. He's never met her, but his heart is set.
Sivrit's mother, Siglint, suggests that this is a bad idea. Burgundy is full of psychos, she says. Kriemhilt's brothers - Gunther, Gernot and Giselher - are psychos. Their henchman Hagen is a psycho. Basically, everyone he's likely to come into contact with in Burgundy is a psycho.
Sivrit points out that he has a wide range of options at his disposal: if he is unsuccessful using diplomacy, he can always resort to violence.
This will probably work out fine.
Sivrit's backstory
Sivrit is already a little bit famous: as he and his train arrive in Burgundy, Hagen of Tronege relates his story.
Once upon a time, Sivrit met the two princes of the dwarfish Nibelungs, Schilbunc and Nibelunc. These two had pulled all their gold out of a mountain and were bickering about how to share it. Since they couldn't decide, they asked Sivrit, giving him the invincible magic sword Balmunc as a reward. However, the Nibelungs weren't happy with how Sivrit had shared out the treasure, so they ambushed him with twelve giants.
Thing is, they'd just armed him with an invincible magic sword.
Twelve giants and several hundred dwarves later, Sivrit found himself ruler of the Nibelungs. This didn't sit well with Albrich, the king of the dwarves, who put on his magical cloak of invisibility and attacked him.
One more dwarf later, Sivrit was king of the Nibelungs with a cloak of invisibility and Albrich as his chamberlain, treasurer and sworn vassal.
Then he killed a dragon and bathed in his blood, making him invulnerable.
He's a dick, adds Hagen, but we probably shouldn't piss him off.
Gunther and company ride out to meet Sivrit, and ask him what he's doing in Burgundy.
I've come to conquer all your lands, says Sivrit.
Fuck off, says Gunther.
Then can I marry your sister? asks Sivrit.
...maybe, says Gunther.
This will probably all work out fine.
War
Burgundy is currently being menaced by Saxons and Danes, led by the brothers Liudeger and Liudegast. A messenger says that Gunther has offended the brothers, and that they will bring their armies.
Never heard of them, says Gunther.
This does not please the messenger.
Gunther summons his brothers and his vassals and asks for their counsel.
Hagen says: Seems to me you've got two problems - Saxons sniffing around your borders, and Sivrit sniffing around your sister. You could solve at least one of these problems by putting Sivrit in your vanguard against the Saxons.
Everyone rides out to war. Sivrit outmanouvers the Danes and falls on their rearguard; he is pleasantly surprised to find Liudegast there. Liudegast begs for his life, and is taken prisoner.
The Burgundian host then falls on the Saxons. Liudeger is caught in a pincer movement between Sivrit and Hagen, and falls back. He is a bit put out that his brother has been captured, and tries to rally his troops, but after half a day fighting Sivrit he finally recognises his heraldry and surrenders.
Sivrit is very much regarded as the hero of the battle. Word of his deeds comes back to Kriemhilt, who asks for a full account of the battle, with special mention of Sivrit's prettiness.
Hagen, meanwhile, is pissed off that his plan to eliminate Sivrit has instead just raised his stocks through the roof.
Gunther treats his royal prisoners extravagantly, making sure they're well fed and comfortable, and that their surviving troops are healed and looked after. They are suitably chastened and impressed, but when they ask to go home Gunther refuses: there's going to be a huge celebration of their victory.
That sounds just dandy, says Liudeger.
Kriemhilt is very excited about the upcoming party, and prepares wonderful garments as gifts for the heroes. Especially Sivrit. She asks for very precise measurements.
This will probably all work out fine.
Wooing I
At the celebration, Sivrit sees Kriemhilt for the first time. On the one hand, he is pretty pleased that she is as lovely as he'd heard. On the other, he's quite upset that he doesn't actually have permission to approach her.
Gernot says to Gunther, Dude - the guy saved our fucking arses in that battle, the least you could do is let him say hello to our sister.
Fine, says Gunther, fucking fine.
Sivrit and Kriemhilt are allowed to approach each other. They take advantage of the formal ceremony to send subtle signals to each other. Those signals say: I think you're hot.
They spend a lot of time together. Officially, Kriemhilt is expressing gratitude to Sivrit for keeping her kinsmen and country safe from marauders.
Unofficially, the court is able to read between the lines.
Kriemhilt's mother does remind her of her oath to never fall in love. Kriemhilt returns with a compelling argument: Sivrit is terribly pretty.
Eventually Liudeger and Liudegast ask if they can go home. On Sivrit's advice, Gunther releases them on the condition that they swear an oath never to attack again. They also offer quite a lot of gold in ransom, but it's the oath that clinches it.
Sivrit, however, begins to feel that his suit isn't getting anywhere: Kriemhilt's all for it, but he can't get any word from Gunther. He too asks for leave to head home, but Giselher persuades him to stick around for the sake of his friends.
He agrees.
Meaning that he gets to see Kriemhilt every single day. Without being allowed to woo her.
This will probably work out fine.
Wooing II
Gunther, meanwhile, hears about a land of beautiful warrior-women, and decides he wants to marry their queen.
Gunther, no, says Sivrit, Iceland is full of psychos and their queen is the worst of the lot.
Hagen contemplates the idea of a land of psychos terrible enough to give Sivrit pause.
Hey, he says, if Sivrit's been to Iceland and met their queen, maybe he should be your guide.
That's a great idea, says Gunther.
Let's bring Hagen as well, says Sivrit.
What, says Hagen.
So everyone dresses up nicely and sails off to woo Prunhilt for Gunther. Dancwart, Hagen's younger brother, comes too.
(A note: It's never exactly stated that Prunhilt is Sivrit's ex, but it's vaguely implied. Apparently in other versions of the myth it's rather more obvious and explicit.)
The party of four rocks up to Prunhilt's castle, which is huge, and is defended as advertised by beautiful women with very big spears. Sivrit explains carefully that they shouldn't piss anyone off, and eventually they are brought before the queen.
Hey Sivrit, she says, what are you doing here? Ya wooin'?
I'd like you to meet my uh, liege, Gunther of Burgundy, he says, and recommend him as a bridegroom.
When everyone has finished laughing, Prunhilt asks is he knows what that entails. The trials and shit.
He'll do your trials, says Hagen.
Well then, says Prunhilt.
What? says Gunther.
You've got to defeat her in combat, says Sivrit.
Oh, says Gunther.
This will probably work out fine.
The Wooing Arena
They enter the Wooing Arena. Prunhilt has armoured up; her armour is impressive, all gold and silks and thick steel. Her shield and weapons are huge. She brandishes her spear.
Holy shit, says Gunther, that's a big spear.
Holy fuck, says Gunther, she's going to kill me.
Psst, says a voice at his elbow, it's me, Sivrit. I have a cloak of invisibility and I'd like to talk to you about your sister.
What the fuck, says Gunther, this isn't the best time.
But hey, says Sivrit, wouldn't it be really great if you had an invisible, invulnerable, impossibly strong hero on your side right now?
You make a compelling argument, says Gunther.
Prunhilt throws her spear. Sivrit, invisible, catches it and throws it back, careful not to actually pierce her with it.
Prunhilt follows with a boulder, and a mighty leap following it. Sivrit catches the boulder and throws it away, even further, with Gunther miming. Then Sivrit joins battle with a leap, carrying Gunther with him. Sivrit puppets Gunther through a wrestling match, which he - they - wins.
Wow, says Prunhilt, guess you're King of Iceland now, Gunther my boy.
That's great, says Sivrit, even though I didn't see any of what happened - we should head back to the Rhineland now.
Oh no, says Prunhilt, that wasn't part of the deal.
Prunhilt starts summoning her vassals, who bring their armies. Gunther is a little worried by this.
Um, says Sivrit, be right back.
Sivrit pisses off back to the land of the Nibelungs. There he finds the dwarf Albrich on the throne. They fight, and Sivrit wins.
Didn't you recognise me? says Sivrit.
Oh, it's you, says Albrich, you should have said.
Sivrit has Albrich raise an army of three thousand men, who set sail back to Iceland. He is able to convince Prunhilt that these are Gunther's forces, and that maybe they should all head back to Burgundy real nice like.
This will probably work out fine.
Burgundy nights
The party returns to Burgundy. Gunther tells Kriemhilt that he's decided she can marry Sivrit.
About fucking time, she says.
After the wedding, Sivrit and Kriemhilt retire to their bedroom. Gunther makes suggestive eyebrow motions at Prunhilt. Prunhilt takes Gunther back to their room, where she beats him up, binds him with leather thongs, hangs him from a nail and gets a good night's sleep.
It's nothing personal, she says the next morning, it's just that I don't find you very impressive and my strength is tied to my virginity.
After church the next day, Sivrit and Gunther get to talking. Sivrit is in a very good mood. Gunther is not. Sivrit asks him what's up - surely he is as happy with his new wife as Sivrit is with his?
Thing is, says Gunther, she, uh, beat me up, tied me up with leather thongs and hung me from a nail.
After some thought Sivrit says: wouldn't it be great if you had an invisible, invulnerable, impossibly strong hero on your side right now?
Gunther glares at him.
Oh, says Sivrit, I don't mean I'd... I mean, no, not with all the great sex I'm having with your sister. I just want to help you out. I feel I owe you, what with all the great sex I'm having with your sister. I sure am having great sex with your sister.
Gunther mumbles a response.
That night, Sivrit tells Gunther to make sure the lights are out. Gunther hides in a corner while Sivrit sneaks into the room. Prunhilt warns "Gunther" that if he tries anything tonight he'll get the same treatment. A wrestling match ensues; Prunhilt almost immediately gets the upper hand, until Sivrit sees red and throws her down onto the bed.
Wow, Gunther, says Prunhilt, you're so much less pathetic than you were last night!
Sivrit takes this as his cue to leave, and Gunther takes over. He is, happily, a better lover than a fighter, and Prunhilt is not unsatisfied.
Still. Before he leaves, Sivrit decides - for reasons that are never satisfactorily explained - to take her ring and her shift.
It will probably all work out fine.
Tension and Intrigue
Sivrit and Kriemhilt head back to the Netherlands. They are very welcome. Sigmunt decides that the time has come to hand over his crown to his son, and Sivrit is made king. As queen, Kriemhilt is much loved and incredibly wealthy, thanks to Sivrit's hoard of Nibelung gold.
Sivrit and Kriemhilt have a son, who they call Gunther, which is quite sweet of them.
Gunther and Prunhilt have a son, who they call Sivrit, which is quite sweet of them.
Gunther decides to host a festival, and invites his sister and her husband. They are very pleased to attend.
However: Prunhilt and Kriemhilt do not get on.
The key to this is the wooing episode, which led to Prunhilt losing most of her strength and possibly her kingdom, over which she may still bear some subconscious resentment. Crucially, during that whole episode Sivrit was presented as Gunther's bondsman and vassal, and nobody has corrected the record.
So when he turns up at the festival acting like a king, Prunhilt feels justified in giving Kriemhilt a passive-aggressive serve.
However, Kriemhilt - actually a queen - does not take kindly to this, and returns fire. This escalates until Kriemhilt lets loose something that can not be taken back: How come my husband has your underwear and jewellery? Is it because you're a big fat slut?
Prunhilt has no actual idea why Sivrit has her underwear and jewellery, and as far as she's concerned this is utter, utter libel, and possibly theft and treason as well. The two queens part on extremely frosty terms.
Hagen sidles up to Prunhilt and says, what was all that about?
Prunhilt tells her side of the story. Hagen suggests that maybe things would be better if Sivrit weren't around.
Prunhilt does not disagree.
Hagen sidles up to Kriemhilt and says, hey, does Sivrit have any weaknesses?
Kriemhilt, who has been friends with Hagen since childhood and has no reason to mistrust him except for his personality and his weird closeness with her brother's psycho wife, says, yeah.
It turns out that when Sivrit killed the dragon and bathed in its blood, there was a linden leaf on his shoulder, and that spot is theoretically vulnerable. Kriemhilt is always worried that a stray spear is going to hit him in exactly that spot and he'll die.
Hagen suggests that if maybe she sewed a little mark on his tunic over the exact spot, Hagen and the boys could look out for him, make sure nothing goes near it.
Kriemhilt says that sounds entirely reasonable, and thanks him for being such a true and loyal friend.
This will probably all work out fine.
Things do not work out fine
Hagen fosters rumours that Liudeger and Liudegast are planning to attack again. Sivrit immediately volunteers to lead the vanguard, just like last time. This serves to separate Sivrit from his own knights.
Hagen also lets Gunther know that Sivrit is behind the tensions between Kriemhilt and Prunhilt. This sends Gunther into a dark mood, believing that Sivrit has betrayed the secret of his wedding night.
Once they've ridden out, Hagen tells Sivrit that the war has been called off, and they should go hunting instead. Sivrit thinks this is a great idea, and immediately hunts down some boars, a lion, some aurochs, wild bulls, and a live bear, which is soon a dead bear. He's a bit puffed out after all of this and suggests that they stop for a drink.
Oh no, says Gunther, Hagen forgot to order the wine.
Don't worry, says Sivrit, I found a spring nearby.
Let's race, says Hagen.
Everyone strips down to their tunics. Sivrit wins the race, but offers Gunther and Hagen the first drinks.
Gunther accepts, but Hagen says: Oh no. After you.
As Sivrid lays down to drink, Hagen takes his javelin and spears him through the mark on his tunic.
You fucker, says Sivrid.
And dies.
Next: Blood. So much blood.
Friday 7 October 2016
Ragin' Roland X: The End
The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic
swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence,
irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.
Price: Nothin'.
(Previously...)
Woe, woe
Bradamante is unhappy. The battle is over, the Saracens have fled, her brothers are safe - but Rogero has disappeared.
She does not suffer in silence: the seer Melissa cops an earful for prophecies that are obviously crap; Marphisa gets an earful for a brother who is obviously likewise.
Marphisa shrugs. Rogero can probably explain himself, and if he can't, she'll kill him, that's all.
A quest for ... love?
Rinaldo, meanwhile, has remembered that he was in love with Angelica as a result of a magic fountain, and wonders what she's up to these days. He decides to ask Malagigi. Malagigi, himself sweet on the shifty princess, is actually brooding on that same subject. He decides that, honestly, if she'd been at all interested she'd had plenty of opportunity to say so; she's just not that into him. Instead of advising Rinaldo that she's not that into him either, he agrees to summon a demon to track her down.
The demon he summons is a bit of an expert on matters of the heart, and it recognises the effects of the love/hate fountains.
It's not going to work, says the demon. For one thing, she hates him; for another, she just got married to a Moorish soldier; plus also, she's gone to India.
Rinaldo is not one to take no for an answer. He storms out, and asks Charlemagne if he can be given leave from court.
Why, says Charlemagne.
Because, uh, Gradasso nicked my horse, says Rinaldo, and took it to Ind... to Sericane.
Dudon and Guido offer to come with him, but Rinaldo says, nah, guys, it's cool.
Are you sure, they say.
Fucking leave me alone, says Rinaldo.
No sooner does Rinaldo enter the forest of Arden, however, when he's attacked by a monster - a woman made entirely of snakes. He tries to take her on, but this thing is actually weird enough to freak him out. He's unable to land a blow, and at the same time she keeps chucking snakes at him. When one gets into his visor, he considers it time to pissbolt.
This doesn't help, however, because the monster leaps onto his horse and continues the assault even as he flees.
Things begin to look bleak for our hero, but in the nick of time a stranger knight appears and takes up the fight. Rinaldo gratefully flees as the stranger forces the monster back to hell.
The two ride on for a bit. Rinaldo asks the stranger who he is; the stranger declines to answer. They arrive at the magic fountains of love and hate, where the stranger recommends they rest. Rinaldo agrees, and takes a drink from the fountain of hate.
Immediately, his love for Angelica falls away.
Right, says the stranger, now I can tell you who I am. He introduces himself as the allegorical figure Disdain, sent to break Rinaldo's chains of love. Then he vanishes.
Right then, says Rinaldo, I'd better go to Sericane and get my horse back.
Further allegorical adventures
Rinaldo soon hears about the duel between Orlando and co. and Gradasso etc., and resolves to head there at once. He rides as fast as he can, changing horses every ten miles, but eventually he decides to stop for the night.
Conveniently, he meets another stranger knight, who asks him if he's married.
It happens that I am, says Rinaldo.
Excellent, says the stranger, if you stay at my castle I'll show you something that will interest you.
The stranger's castle is large and luxurious, and is full of future-history statues of renowned, virtuous women. The stranger sits Rinaldo down to dinner, and starts to weep.
What's up, says Rinaldo.
In reply, the stranger presents a golden, gem-encrusted cup. This is a magic cup, he says, and you can only drink from it if your wife is faithful - but usually it spills everywhere.
Women suck, he adds.
Rinaldo, who was until recently questing after a woman who was not his wife, is reluctant to try the cup.
Actually, he says, I don't think I want to know.
People suck, really, he adds.
Wish I'd done that, says the stranger.
He tells his tale: how the sorceress Melissa - presumably the same one, but acting somewhat out of character - fell in love with him, how she gave him the magic cup, how she convinced him his wife was unfaithful even though he could drink from it. How Melissa disguised him as someone else, allowing him to prove his wife's unfaithfulness by seducing her, and how she ran off with the man that he'd been disguised as. How he told Melissa that she could go fuck herself.
Melissa does not come off well in this story.
So now he invites married men to his castle, so he can laugh at them when they spill wine on themselves.
That sucks, mate, says Rinaldo, but don't you think you're taking it all a bit too hard? I mean, Melissa fucked you over, you fucked your wife over, your wife fucked you over, and you fucked Melissa over. You've got to be philosophical, yeah?
Yeah, says the stranger, you're probably right.
The stranger loads Rinaldo into a magic boat, and sends him on his way.
Aboard the ship, Rinaldo discusses the incident with a sailor, wondering if he should have tried the cup after all.
Probably not, says the sailor, who then goes off into a long comic tale of infidelity and justice.
Everyone talks too much, says Rinaldo.
Reunion
Rinaldo travels across Europe until at last he finds Orlando and Olivier, and travels with them back to Biserta. They decide to bring the wounded Sobrino with them; they can't just abandon him, Saracen or no. Sansonet and Astolpho are pleased to see them, but are dismayed that Brandimart is not with them.
They carefully break the news to Flordelice who, thanks to a prophetic dream, is already dressed in mourning.
She is not happy.
An elaborate funeral is held for Brandimart, and Orlando vows to look after Flordelice.
The knights start making their way home, but Olivier's wound is troubling him; the captain of their ship says he knows of a hermit on an island who is pretty whiz at magic cures, probably. Orlando agrees to change course, and they head for the island.
Given that the wounds were received while defending the faith - more or less - the hermit agrees to heal Olivier's foot.
Witnessing the miracle, Sobrino decides to convert himself - and finds himself miraculous cured and all.
Oh by the way, says the hermit, this is Rogero - he's one of your lot now.
Roland sends to the ship for some food, and everyone feasts.
That's a coincidence, says Rinaldo, I had a duel with a guy called Rogero, he was awesome.
Same guy, says Sobrino.
Rogero is inducted into the company. Rinaldo says that he can marry his sister if he wants; Orlando and Olivier agree.
Everyone returns home - Astolpho via Ethiopia, by hippogriff - and Rogero is taken to introduced to Charlemagne. His parentage is established and he is welcomed as a son.
Well, a nephew.
Well, technically kin.
Rogero is overjoyed to see his sister - and delighted to see Bradamante. They embrace.
This confuses Charlemagne considerably, because he and Duke Aymon, Bradamante's father, have just promised the Emperor of Greece that she'll marry his son, Leo.
One last wrinkle
There is a conversation. Rinaldo patiently explains to his father that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Orlando patiently explains to his uncle that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Olivier and Sobrino weigh in, patiently explaining that everyone has agreed that Bradamante can marry Rogero. Aymon patiently explains to his son and nephew and everyone else that they can fuck off.
Bradamante's mother Beatrice explains that an Emperor's son is better than some random vagrant ex-Saracen knight. She is not patient.
Bradamante is torn between filial duty and her love for Rogero. She's actually a bit shocked that no-one is listening to Rinaldo and Orlando: surely if those two fuckheads agree on something, people should pay attention.
Rogero weighs up his options. These are:
Bradamante, meanwhile, goes to Charlemagne.
Am I, or am I not, a fucking knight, she says.
What's your point, he says.
I want a boon, she says.
Sure, he says, what do you want?
I'm not marrying any fucker who can't beat me in combat, she says.
That's fair enough, actually, says the king.
Aymon and Beatrice are not at all pleased. They lock Bradamante in a tower. Technically, she's free to go any time she wants, but they tell her they'll be very disappointed if she leaves.
And when Charlemagne announces the boon to the court, Bradamante immediately wants to tell Rogero.
Except he's fucked off without telling anyone.
Fuck, she says. The fucking fucker.
Eastward ho!
Having decided to kill Leo, Rogero heads east. He finds himself near Belgrade, where the Greek army is engaged with the Bulgars. The Greeks are trying to bridge the Save, and the Bulgars are stopping them. However, the Greek army is a hell of a lot bigger than the Bulgarian one, so while the Bulgar's king Vatran is stopping the main army, Leo takes a force the long way round and charges their flank.
Vadran does not survive. The Bulgar army starts to rout.
Rogero sees his chance: he rides in and rallies the breaking Bulgars. He runs his lance through one of Constantine's nephews, and through sheer manliness and valour turns the tide of the battle.
Leo, watching from a nearby tower, is pretty damned impressed by what he sees. I mean, sure, this guy is on the wrong side, but what an artist! What a genius! What a manly and valorous man!
The Bulgars are victorious and the Greeks retreat. Rather than hang around and have the boring adoration of the Bulgars impede his prevenge, Rogero decides to press on into Belgrade. He takes to an inn, where a Greek soldier promptly recognises his livery and runs off to the local lord, Ungiardo. Ungiardo waits until he's asleep, and captures him.
Emperor Constantine is delighted that this brand new hero of the Bulgars has been delivered to him so quickly. So is his sister Theodora, whose son was killed by Rogero in the battle. Constantine hands Rogero over to Theodora, who has him tortured and imprisoned.
A debt of honour
Leo learns that Rogero has been captured, and is being held by his demented aunt.
This isn't right, he thinks. He bribes the guard and strangles the torturer, and releases Rogero.
Leo's rescue count: +1
Hi, he says, I'm Leo and I think you're awesome.
Fuck, says Rogero, I guess I owe you my life. Fuck.
Leo explains that, if this is a life debt situation, he has a problem that Rogero can help with.
See, he says, my father got me engaged to this French knight, and she won't marry anyone who can't beat her in combat, and, look, she sounds like a complete fucking psycho.
Only, he adds, you're completely fucking awesome - can you disguise yourself as me and fight her for me?
Sure, says Rogero, I guess I have to. Fuck.
A fight for love and glory
Leo and Rogero head back to France. A tourney is arranged. Rogero opts to start with sword - not because Bradamante has a magic invincible lance, but because he doesn't want her to recognise his horse Frontino. He's also careful to take a sword which isn't his normal magical one.
The battle begins, and Bradamante does not hold back. She assails the presumed Leo viciously; only the fact that Rogero is completely encased in unbreakable armour saves him. He's careful to look like he's fighting, but he doesn't want to land a serious blow.
Charlemagne and court are terribly impressed at this Greek's fortitude. Eventually, some time after sunset, the king says he reckons that's enough. While technically he was supposed to beat her, not dying is actually probably sufficient. Bradamante must marry Leo.
Rogero goes back to Leo and tells him that he's won, and then goes sulking off into the forest. Bradamante, meanwhile, considers her options. These are:
This pisses Marphisa off no end, and she goes and confronts Charlemagne.
You fucking suck, she says, Rogero and Bradamante were totally married in secret beforehand in front of me and I am totally a witness.
Charlemagne calls Bradamante down and asks her if it's true; Bradamante is evasive. Orlando and Rinaldo declare that they are totally convinced by Marphisa's totally plausible story. Aymon declares that he is not.
Well fuck you lot, says Marphisa, if this fucking Greek wants to marry my sister-in-law I'll fucking kill him myself.
A resolution at last
Someone explains to Leo that he's going to need to fight Marphisa.
Fuuuck, says Leo. He takes off in desperate search of Rogero, his champion.
He finds Melissa instead.
Melissa explains that Rogero is probably dying of grief. She explains why.
Well that fucking sucks, says Leo.
Melissa leads Leo through the forest to where Rogero is, curled up in the foetal position.
Hey, man, says Leo gently, have you got something to say?
Hey, says Rogero.
Rogero explains everything; how he rode to Hungary to kill Leo, how he got captured and rescued himself, how he acted as champion so that Leo could marry Bradamante, and how fucked up the whole thing is.
You should have fucking said something, man, says Leo, I didn't really want to marry her anyway.
Leo says that the whole thing is political from his point of view, to ally the Greek empire with Charlemagne's kingdom. He says he really doesn't want to let politics get in the way of his best friend's happiness.
Look, he says, you should totally marry Bradamante - you earned it and everything.
Also, he adds, I don't want to fight your fucking psycho sister.
Melissa, Leo and Rogero ride back to Paris. On the way, they meet an emissary from the Bulgars who is looking for Rogero.
Hey look, says the Bulgar, you were awesome back in that battle back there, like amazing, and since we don't exactly have a king at the moment, we were wondering if you'd be up for the gig?
Sure, says Leo, he'd love to.
Leo takes Rogero back to Charlemagne and says: Look, this guy actually won the fight with Bradamante, and guess what, he's the king of Bulgaria and a close personal friend of the Greek crown prince.
Leo tells the story of Rogero's valour back at Belgrade, and explains how he came to be fighting on behalf of the son of the Greek emperor. Everyone is terribly impressed; even Beatrice relents when she learns that Rogero is a king.
Bradamante and Rogero are finally married. Rogero swears fealty to Charlemagne, Melissa blesses the marital bed, and everyone is happy - even if the prophecy says it won't last.
The end.
One last battle
Well, almost.
Just as everyone is settling down to live happily ever after, Rodomont turns up. He accuses Rogero of abandoning his king, and demands satisfaction. They fight; Rodomont is stronger and dominates the duel, until Rogero is able to use a fancy wrestling move to slam Rodomont to the ground. Rogero demands Rodomont yield; Rodomont does not.
So Rodomont dies at Rogero's hand.
The end, for real.
Final rescue tally:
Astolpho: 14
Melissa: 12
Rogero: 9
Bradamante: 7
Angelica: 7
Orlando: 3
Marphisa: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Leo: 1
--
Well, this was...epic. It was fun, it was funny, it was exciting, it was absolutely fascinating. There was the sense that the poet Ariosto was enjoying himself. I developed a real affection for the characters, especially stoic, heroic Bradamante; gleefully violent Marphisa; bold, good-natured Astolpho; and stupid, stupid Rogero. I loved the little knots and threads of criss-crossing storylines, and the singing and fighting and monsters and allegories and allusions and digressions and just the grandness, the knight-in-shining-armour-ness of it all.
I do wonder if I'm doing Bradamante an injustice by summarising ten verses of poetical lamentation as "Fuck the fucking fucker!" but fuck it, she's never a wilting maiden; she's a knight, first and foremost, and she has to put up with some serious bullshit.
Next: Gold and Germans.
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.
Price: Nothin'.
(Previously...)
Woe, woe
Bradamante is unhappy. The battle is over, the Saracens have fled, her brothers are safe - but Rogero has disappeared.
She does not suffer in silence: the seer Melissa cops an earful for prophecies that are obviously crap; Marphisa gets an earful for a brother who is obviously likewise.
Marphisa shrugs. Rogero can probably explain himself, and if he can't, she'll kill him, that's all.
A quest for ... love?
Rinaldo, meanwhile, has remembered that he was in love with Angelica as a result of a magic fountain, and wonders what she's up to these days. He decides to ask Malagigi. Malagigi, himself sweet on the shifty princess, is actually brooding on that same subject. He decides that, honestly, if she'd been at all interested she'd had plenty of opportunity to say so; she's just not that into him. Instead of advising Rinaldo that she's not that into him either, he agrees to summon a demon to track her down.
The demon he summons is a bit of an expert on matters of the heart, and it recognises the effects of the love/hate fountains.
It's not going to work, says the demon. For one thing, she hates him; for another, she just got married to a Moorish soldier; plus also, she's gone to India.
Rinaldo is not one to take no for an answer. He storms out, and asks Charlemagne if he can be given leave from court.
Why, says Charlemagne.
Because, uh, Gradasso nicked my horse, says Rinaldo, and took it to Ind... to Sericane.
Dudon and Guido offer to come with him, but Rinaldo says, nah, guys, it's cool.
Are you sure, they say.
Fucking leave me alone, says Rinaldo.
No sooner does Rinaldo enter the forest of Arden, however, when he's attacked by a monster - a woman made entirely of snakes. He tries to take her on, but this thing is actually weird enough to freak him out. He's unable to land a blow, and at the same time she keeps chucking snakes at him. When one gets into his visor, he considers it time to pissbolt.
This doesn't help, however, because the monster leaps onto his horse and continues the assault even as he flees.
Things begin to look bleak for our hero, but in the nick of time a stranger knight appears and takes up the fight. Rinaldo gratefully flees as the stranger forces the monster back to hell.
The two ride on for a bit. Rinaldo asks the stranger who he is; the stranger declines to answer. They arrive at the magic fountains of love and hate, where the stranger recommends they rest. Rinaldo agrees, and takes a drink from the fountain of hate.
Immediately, his love for Angelica falls away.
Right, says the stranger, now I can tell you who I am. He introduces himself as the allegorical figure Disdain, sent to break Rinaldo's chains of love. Then he vanishes.
Right then, says Rinaldo, I'd better go to Sericane and get my horse back.
Further allegorical adventures
Rinaldo soon hears about the duel between Orlando and co. and Gradasso etc., and resolves to head there at once. He rides as fast as he can, changing horses every ten miles, but eventually he decides to stop for the night.
Conveniently, he meets another stranger knight, who asks him if he's married.
It happens that I am, says Rinaldo.
Excellent, says the stranger, if you stay at my castle I'll show you something that will interest you.
The stranger's castle is large and luxurious, and is full of future-history statues of renowned, virtuous women. The stranger sits Rinaldo down to dinner, and starts to weep.
What's up, says Rinaldo.
In reply, the stranger presents a golden, gem-encrusted cup. This is a magic cup, he says, and you can only drink from it if your wife is faithful - but usually it spills everywhere.
Women suck, he adds.
Rinaldo, who was until recently questing after a woman who was not his wife, is reluctant to try the cup.
Actually, he says, I don't think I want to know.
People suck, really, he adds.
Wish I'd done that, says the stranger.
He tells his tale: how the sorceress Melissa - presumably the same one, but acting somewhat out of character - fell in love with him, how she gave him the magic cup, how she convinced him his wife was unfaithful even though he could drink from it. How Melissa disguised him as someone else, allowing him to prove his wife's unfaithfulness by seducing her, and how she ran off with the man that he'd been disguised as. How he told Melissa that she could go fuck herself.
Melissa does not come off well in this story.
So now he invites married men to his castle, so he can laugh at them when they spill wine on themselves.
That sucks, mate, says Rinaldo, but don't you think you're taking it all a bit too hard? I mean, Melissa fucked you over, you fucked your wife over, your wife fucked you over, and you fucked Melissa over. You've got to be philosophical, yeah?
Yeah, says the stranger, you're probably right.
The stranger loads Rinaldo into a magic boat, and sends him on his way.
Aboard the ship, Rinaldo discusses the incident with a sailor, wondering if he should have tried the cup after all.
Probably not, says the sailor, who then goes off into a long comic tale of infidelity and justice.
Everyone talks too much, says Rinaldo.
Reunion
Rinaldo travels across Europe until at last he finds Orlando and Olivier, and travels with them back to Biserta. They decide to bring the wounded Sobrino with them; they can't just abandon him, Saracen or no. Sansonet and Astolpho are pleased to see them, but are dismayed that Brandimart is not with them.
They carefully break the news to Flordelice who, thanks to a prophetic dream, is already dressed in mourning.
She is not happy.
An elaborate funeral is held for Brandimart, and Orlando vows to look after Flordelice.
The knights start making their way home, but Olivier's wound is troubling him; the captain of their ship says he knows of a hermit on an island who is pretty whiz at magic cures, probably. Orlando agrees to change course, and they head for the island.
Given that the wounds were received while defending the faith - more or less - the hermit agrees to heal Olivier's foot.
Witnessing the miracle, Sobrino decides to convert himself - and finds himself miraculous cured and all.
Oh by the way, says the hermit, this is Rogero - he's one of your lot now.
Roland sends to the ship for some food, and everyone feasts.
That's a coincidence, says Rinaldo, I had a duel with a guy called Rogero, he was awesome.
Same guy, says Sobrino.
Rogero is inducted into the company. Rinaldo says that he can marry his sister if he wants; Orlando and Olivier agree.
"Sure, guys. Wasn't asking you, but whatever."Orlando gives Rogero back his arms and horse, plus one of the magic swords. (I'm not sure which, I've lost track.)
Everyone returns home - Astolpho via Ethiopia, by hippogriff - and Rogero is taken to introduced to Charlemagne. His parentage is established and he is welcomed as a son.
Well, a nephew.
Well, technically kin.
Rogero is overjoyed to see his sister - and delighted to see Bradamante. They embrace.
This confuses Charlemagne considerably, because he and Duke Aymon, Bradamante's father, have just promised the Emperor of Greece that she'll marry his son, Leo.
One last wrinkle
There is a conversation. Rinaldo patiently explains to his father that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Orlando patiently explains to his uncle that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Olivier and Sobrino weigh in, patiently explaining that everyone has agreed that Bradamante can marry Rogero. Aymon patiently explains to his son and nephew and everyone else that they can fuck off.
Bradamante's mother Beatrice explains that an Emperor's son is better than some random vagrant ex-Saracen knight. She is not patient.
Bradamante is torn between filial duty and her love for Rogero. She's actually a bit shocked that no-one is listening to Rinaldo and Orlando: surely if those two fuckheads agree on something, people should pay attention.
Rogero weighs up his options. These are:
- Ride real quick to Greece and try to explain things to Emperor Constantine.
- Kill Aymon.
2a. Kill everyone who tries to kill him for killing Aymon, up to and including Rinaldo and possibly including Bradamante. - Kill Leo.
- Kill himself.
- Give up the whole thing in despair.
Bradamante, meanwhile, goes to Charlemagne.
Am I, or am I not, a fucking knight, she says.
What's your point, he says.
I want a boon, she says.
Sure, he says, what do you want?
I'm not marrying any fucker who can't beat me in combat, she says.
That's fair enough, actually, says the king.
Aymon and Beatrice are not at all pleased. They lock Bradamante in a tower. Technically, she's free to go any time she wants, but they tell her they'll be very disappointed if she leaves.
And when Charlemagne announces the boon to the court, Bradamante immediately wants to tell Rogero.
Except he's fucked off without telling anyone.
Fuck, she says. The fucking fucker.
Eastward ho!
Having decided to kill Leo, Rogero heads east. He finds himself near Belgrade, where the Greek army is engaged with the Bulgars. The Greeks are trying to bridge the Save, and the Bulgars are stopping them. However, the Greek army is a hell of a lot bigger than the Bulgarian one, so while the Bulgar's king Vatran is stopping the main army, Leo takes a force the long way round and charges their flank.
Vadran does not survive. The Bulgar army starts to rout.
Rogero sees his chance: he rides in and rallies the breaking Bulgars. He runs his lance through one of Constantine's nephews, and through sheer manliness and valour turns the tide of the battle.
Leo, watching from a nearby tower, is pretty damned impressed by what he sees. I mean, sure, this guy is on the wrong side, but what an artist! What a genius! What a manly and valorous man!
The Bulgars are victorious and the Greeks retreat. Rather than hang around and have the boring adoration of the Bulgars impede his prevenge, Rogero decides to press on into Belgrade. He takes to an inn, where a Greek soldier promptly recognises his livery and runs off to the local lord, Ungiardo. Ungiardo waits until he's asleep, and captures him.
Emperor Constantine is delighted that this brand new hero of the Bulgars has been delivered to him so quickly. So is his sister Theodora, whose son was killed by Rogero in the battle. Constantine hands Rogero over to Theodora, who has him tortured and imprisoned.
A debt of honour
Leo learns that Rogero has been captured, and is being held by his demented aunt.
This isn't right, he thinks. He bribes the guard and strangles the torturer, and releases Rogero.
Leo's rescue count: +1
Hi, he says, I'm Leo and I think you're awesome.
Fuck, says Rogero, I guess I owe you my life. Fuck.
Leo explains that, if this is a life debt situation, he has a problem that Rogero can help with.
See, he says, my father got me engaged to this French knight, and she won't marry anyone who can't beat her in combat, and, look, she sounds like a complete fucking psycho.
Only, he adds, you're completely fucking awesome - can you disguise yourself as me and fight her for me?
Sure, says Rogero, I guess I have to. Fuck.
A fight for love and glory
Leo and Rogero head back to France. A tourney is arranged. Rogero opts to start with sword - not because Bradamante has a magic invincible lance, but because he doesn't want her to recognise his horse Frontino. He's also careful to take a sword which isn't his normal magical one.
The battle begins, and Bradamante does not hold back. She assails the presumed Leo viciously; only the fact that Rogero is completely encased in unbreakable armour saves him. He's careful to look like he's fighting, but he doesn't want to land a serious blow.
Charlemagne and court are terribly impressed at this Greek's fortitude. Eventually, some time after sunset, the king says he reckons that's enough. While technically he was supposed to beat her, not dying is actually probably sufficient. Bradamante must marry Leo.
Rogero goes back to Leo and tells him that he's won, and then goes sulking off into the forest. Bradamante, meanwhile, considers her options. These are:
- Kill Aymon and Beatrice and probably Charlemagne
- Kill Leo
- Kill herself.
This pisses Marphisa off no end, and she goes and confronts Charlemagne.
You fucking suck, she says, Rogero and Bradamante were totally married in secret beforehand in front of me and I am totally a witness.
Charlemagne calls Bradamante down and asks her if it's true; Bradamante is evasive. Orlando and Rinaldo declare that they are totally convinced by Marphisa's totally plausible story. Aymon declares that he is not.
Well fuck you lot, says Marphisa, if this fucking Greek wants to marry my sister-in-law I'll fucking kill him myself.
A resolution at last
Someone explains to Leo that he's going to need to fight Marphisa.
Fuuuck, says Leo. He takes off in desperate search of Rogero, his champion.
He finds Melissa instead.
Melissa explains that Rogero is probably dying of grief. She explains why.
Well that fucking sucks, says Leo.
Melissa leads Leo through the forest to where Rogero is, curled up in the foetal position.
Hey, man, says Leo gently, have you got something to say?
Hey, says Rogero.
Rogero explains everything; how he rode to Hungary to kill Leo, how he got captured and rescued himself, how he acted as champion so that Leo could marry Bradamante, and how fucked up the whole thing is.
You should have fucking said something, man, says Leo, I didn't really want to marry her anyway.
Leo says that the whole thing is political from his point of view, to ally the Greek empire with Charlemagne's kingdom. He says he really doesn't want to let politics get in the way of his best friend's happiness.
Look, he says, you should totally marry Bradamante - you earned it and everything.
Also, he adds, I don't want to fight your fucking psycho sister.
Melissa, Leo and Rogero ride back to Paris. On the way, they meet an emissary from the Bulgars who is looking for Rogero.
Hey look, says the Bulgar, you were awesome back in that battle back there, like amazing, and since we don't exactly have a king at the moment, we were wondering if you'd be up for the gig?
Sure, says Leo, he'd love to.
Leo takes Rogero back to Charlemagne and says: Look, this guy actually won the fight with Bradamante, and guess what, he's the king of Bulgaria and a close personal friend of the Greek crown prince.
Leo tells the story of Rogero's valour back at Belgrade, and explains how he came to be fighting on behalf of the son of the Greek emperor. Everyone is terribly impressed; even Beatrice relents when she learns that Rogero is a king.
Bradamante and Rogero are finally married. Rogero swears fealty to Charlemagne, Melissa blesses the marital bed, and everyone is happy - even if the prophecy says it won't last.
The end.
One last battle
Well, almost.
Just as everyone is settling down to live happily ever after, Rodomont turns up. He accuses Rogero of abandoning his king, and demands satisfaction. They fight; Rodomont is stronger and dominates the duel, until Rogero is able to use a fancy wrestling move to slam Rodomont to the ground. Rogero demands Rodomont yield; Rodomont does not.
So Rodomont dies at Rogero's hand.
The end, for real.
Final rescue tally:
Astolpho: 14
Melissa: 12
Rogero: 9
Bradamante: 7
Angelica: 7
Orlando: 3
Marphisa: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Leo: 1
--
Well, this was...epic. It was fun, it was funny, it was exciting, it was absolutely fascinating. There was the sense that the poet Ariosto was enjoying himself. I developed a real affection for the characters, especially stoic, heroic Bradamante; gleefully violent Marphisa; bold, good-natured Astolpho; and stupid, stupid Rogero. I loved the little knots and threads of criss-crossing storylines, and the singing and fighting and monsters and allegories and allusions and digressions and just the grandness, the knight-in-shining-armour-ness of it all.
I do wonder if I'm doing Bradamante an injustice by summarising ten verses of poetical lamentation as "Fuck the fucking fucker!" but fuck it, she's never a wilting maiden; she's a knight, first and foremost, and she has to put up with some serious bullshit.
Next: Gold and Germans.
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