The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.
Price: Nothin'.
(Previously...)
Rodomont is drunk, Rogero is pissed off, Zerbino is dead and Bradamante is...where is Bradamante, anyway?
Isabel meets her (terrible) fate
Rodomont wakes up from his bender with a hangover, and continues his journey back to Africa. He boards a boat and sails around for a bit, but his heartbreak does not abate. He holes up in an abandoned church for a while, to allow his feelings to mend. It's a pretty church, near a prosperous village, verdant fields, picturesque locals, sort of thing. As he's heading up to take possession, a damsel, a hermit and a corpse come by.
This is Isabel: she had been prepared to off herself with Zerbino's dagger, but a passing hermit stopped her and promised to take her to a nunnery.
Isabel is gorgeous, and she catches Rodomont on the rebound. He smooths down his hair, straightens his armour and goes down to say hi. He scoffs at the idea of her joining a nunnery, telling her she's far too pretty. The hermit objects with reasonable and well-thought-out theological arguments. Rodomont picks him up by the neck and throws him into the sea.
Isabel is terrified, so Rodomont decides that he must show her just how kind and gentle he can be. He imprisons her in his tower, and starts meekly fawning over her. This terrifies her even more. And since it doesn't work, Rodomont starts resorting to threats and bluster, which, again, terrifies her.
Isabel insists that she will give herself to god, but she offers a deal: if Rodomont lets her go, she will give him the secret of a herb she knows, that can be used to make a salve of invulnerability.
Rodomont reluctantly agrees; he is enamoured, but if he had a magic potion that made him invincible, he could conquer all of Gaul. All? All.
Isabel spends quite a bit of time preparing the potion. Rodomont and his men, meanwhile, get drunk. (It's noted that Rodomont, as a muslim, is not technically permitted to get drunk. It is further noted that Rodomont does not, at this juncture, give a shit.)
Isabel presents herself to Rodomont. I've made the salve, she said, and to demonstrate how it works, I've anointed myself with it. She enjoins him to hit her with his sword.
Aim for the neck, she says.
And Rodomont chops her head off.
Holy fuck, he says, what have I done?
Rodomont's weird bridge thing
Rodomont summons an army of masons, and has them build a grand tomb for Isabel and Zerbino. He also has them build a tower, and he vows to decorate it with a hundred suits of armour in Isabel's honour, which is a perfectly valid expression of grief and regret and not at all weird. He takes station near a bridge - just wide enough to joust on, two horses enter, one horse leaves sort of thing - and issues a challenge to all comers.
The challenge is answered by adventuresome knights from across the land. Rodomont is, of course, one of the mightiest pagan knights, and he tends to win. For the defeated Saracens, he takes their armour and sends them on their way. The Christians he imprisons in the tower with the intention of sending them to Africa as slaves.
It's a pretty sweet deal, and he's making progress towards his neither weird nor arbitrary target.
Then the demented Orlando happens by. Orlando wants to cross the bridge (as much as Orlando can be said to want anything at this point).
Hey weird naked dude, says Rodomont, this bridge is for knights, and there are rules.
Urgh, says Orlando, Urghurgle.
You asked for it, says Rodomont. They grapple.
At this point, Flordelice, still looking for her Brandimart, happens by. She wonders how a scruffy naked dude can hold his own against a fully armoured Saracen champion. Rodomont is wondering the same thing, and tries to lift Orlando off his feet to get control of the situation. Orlando, relying on brute force and ignorance, forces them both off the bridge.
At this point, Flordelice recognises him.
Rodomont is dragged down the river a way, dragged down by his armour. Orlando is unencumbered; he surfaces easily and climbs ashore. He gets into a tussle with some passing mountain men, and kicks their ass up the mountain. (Their literal ass, that is.) Then he meets a pair of newlyweds.
Holy shit, it's Angelica and Medoro.
Angelica does not recognise Orlando at all, since he's such a complete fucking mess. Orlando's hindbrain recognises her, though, and he dives for her. Medoro leaps in to defend her with a decapitating blow, but immediately discovers that Orlando's skin is invulnerable. Orlando kills Medoro's horse with a single blow, and Angelica flees. She has the presence of mind to put her ring of magic resistance and also invisibility into her mouth, but falls off her horse as she's doing so.
Orlando chases down the horse on foot, and leaps onto its back. He is terribly distressed to find that Angelica has vanished, and he rides the horse into the ground trying to find her. Then he puts the horse on his back to continue the search, before eventually deciding that the horse can walk. The horse, still exhausted, hurt and confused, walks slowly. Orlando drags it along. He doesn't notice when it dies.
He meets a shepherd, and offers to trade horses.
Yours is dead, says the shepherd.
It'll get better, says Orlando.
No, says the shepherd, it won't.
So Orlando kills him and takes his horse.
He rides it to the shore, where he sees a boat. He calls for the boat to stop, which it doesn't. Orlando decides to pursue it on horseback. The horse drowns.
Sometime later, Orlando is washed ashore, still mad.
A return to the great big Saracen duelling circle
Back at Agramant's camp, Rogero still wants to fight Mandricardo over the right to wear Hector's arms on his shield. However, Gradasso insists that Mandricardo can't use Orlando's sword, since its ownership is still in doubt.
Ok, says Agramant, there will be one fight, and that will settle the sword, the shield, everything.
Rogero is chosen at random to fight Mandricardo. This makes Rogero happy.
You better make this good, boy, says Gradasso.
Marsilius points out that they can't really afford to lose either Rogero or Mandricardo at this point.
Shut up, says Agramant. Then: actually that's a good point, maybe we can postpone.
Doralice is bent to the same purpose: can't you just let the kid have the heraldry, she begs, because I don't actually want you to die.
But, says Mandricardo, I'm in invulnerable armour with a magic sword, and he's just a kid. What could possibly go wrong?
Then Rogero comes up and says, Hey dickhead, you ready to fight?
And Mandricardo says, Oh, it's on.
It's a brutal battle. Mandricardo gets first blood: a blow that split's Rogero's shield, breastplate and chest. Rogero returns with a mighty blow which narrowly misses Mandicardo's head, but does connect with his arms. Mandricardo drops his reins.
Brigliadoro is not enjoying this fight, and Mandricardo finds it hard to control him. Rogero is able to recover. Mandricardo eventually gets control of the horse, and rises in his stirrups to deliver a death blow to Rogero.
Rogero is quicker.
Rogero gets him under his arm, where there's a gap in the armour.
Mandricardo drops his shield, his blood spilling over Hector's emblem.
That means I win, says Rogero. And falls over.
At home with Bradamante
Meanwhile, Hippalca has returned to Bradamante with Rogero's letter, explaining that he's going to fight on the Saracen side for a bit.
Well, that's a fucking stupid decision, says Bradamante.
But she waits out the allotted time.
Rogero does not turn up.
Do you think something's happened to him, she asks.
He was pretty good in a fight, says Richardetto, and besides, Marphisa's with him.
Who? says Bradamante.
This fucking awesome Saracen chick, says Richardetto. He adds: man she was hot.
Oh really, says Bradamante.
At this point Rinaldo turns up, taking a break from his quest to find Angelica to visit his wife and kids at home. The news arrives that Charlemagne has been defeated, largely thanks to Rogero and Marphisa.
We...probably should do something about that, says Rinaldo.
Rinaldo gathers his brothers - Guichard, Richard, Alardo, Richardetto - and cousins - Aldigier, Vivian and Malagigi. They mount up and head for Paris.
Bradamante stays home, hoping that Rogero will turn up.
Meeting the family
On the road to Paris, the party meets a stranger knight, offering a challenge. Richardetto rides out to joust him, but gets knocked on his arse. Alardo follows suit, and joins him on the ground.
My turn, says Rinaldo, but Guichardo gets there first. And hits the ground.
Ditto Richardo, Malagigi, Vivian.
Now it's my turn, says Rinaldo.
(Aldigier remains silent, for reasons of his own.)
Rinaldo and the stranger joust; they hit each other so hard that the stranger's horse breaks in half.
I'm think I'm going to have to fight you over that, says the stranger.
I can give you another horse, says Rinaldo.
Not the point, says the stranger.
On foot then, says Rinaldo, and I'll give you my horse if you win.
They fight. They fight a lot. They fight all day. They hit hard enough to shatter each others shields and armour. It's a long, drawn-out, furious thing.
Eventually, Rinaldo notes that it's getting dark and maybe they should stop for the night.
Fair enough, says the stranger.
They set up in pavilions; Rinaldo arranges for a horse to be provided to his opponent.
I'm Rinaldo, says Rinaldo.
Holy shit, says the stranger, I've been looking for you.
The stranger knight introduces himself: it's Guido the Savage, bastard son of Aymon and brother to most of the company.
"Wait a second - those other guys..."The next day the squad comes across Gryphon and Aquilant, along with Sansonet. Also with them is Flordelice, who is visibly distressed. She is distressed because (a) Orlando has gone mad and (b) Mandricardo nicked his sword. But Gradasso has it now, she says, because Mandricardo is dead.
"Your brothers. And some cousins."
"Really? They were pretty crap."
"Yeah. But wait till you meet our sister!"
(Nobody mentions saving Oliver and Ogier, so I assume they're still captive.)
Rodomont's bridge, again
The Mont Alban force is now actually pretty huge. They arrive at the battle site to find the Moors and Saracens lulled and sleepy. Rinaldo leads a stealth attack on the camp; they are victorious. The king is saved!
"Rinaldo? About fucking time you showed up."Flordelice is happy: she has finally found Brandimart! They embrace! They snog! They embrace some more!
But wait, she says, I need to tell you about Orlando.
She explains about Orlando's madness, and Rodomont's bridge and tower, which was the last place she saw him.
Brandimart immediately rides off to find Orlando; Flordelice rides with him, not willing to let him out of her sight again.
Rodomont has regained his place on the bridge, and calls out his challenge. Brandimart is not one of the top-tier knights, however, and loses. He and his horse are knocked into the river.
Flordelice begs Rodomont - in Isabel's name - to save him, on account of him being so very pretty. Rodomont reluctantly agrees, and drags Brandimart and his horse out of the stream.
Then he locks him in his tower. Rules are rules.
Flordelice rides off to find someone to rescue Brandimart.
Gradasso v. Rinaldo (I)
Agramant wakes up to find his army in mid-rout. Rinaldo and Malagigi are mopping up the stragglers, and most of the Saracen army is fleeing. Agramant tries to get some control, and manages to get some of them aboard ships to retreat to safety. He makes the wounded Rogero a particular priority, making sure he's safe.
Gradasso, however, has spotted Rinaldo, and has also spotted Rinaldo's horse Bayardo. Gradasso had two goals in coming to France: Orlando's sword (tick!) and Rinaldo's horse. He ignores the disordered troops around him and calls out Rinaldo to single combat. These two last faced off right at the beginning of Innamorato; Gradasso thinks Rinaldo wussed out, when actually he'd been kidnapped by Malagigi to help Angelica. Rinaldo agrees to a duel tomorrow at dawn; the battleground is to be a nearby beach. The terms: Bayardo against Durindana, Orlando's sword.
Rinaldo's friends and family are weirdly nervous about the upcoming duel - how can he hope to stand against Gradasso, armed with Durindana? He's only the second or third best knight in Christendom! Malagigi in particular fears the worst, but is reluctant to screw up Rinaldo's duel a second time.
Still at home with Bradamante
Bradamante is pretty miserable. She is convinced that Rogero would not betray her, and very aware that he has not actually turned up. This is a problem for her.
Mostly, she blames Melissa for getting her hopes up.
She spends several stanzas moping, and then decides to do something: she heads off to track Rogero down.
Along the way she meets an unnamed knight who had been imprisoned by the Saracens. She asks about Rogero. The knight gives the whole story: the duel, the wound, the rout.
But don't worry, says the knight, there's this gorgeous warrior chick looking after him. Reckon they'll be married when the kid gets better, he adds. This is apparently the prevailing rumour in the Saracen camp.
This does not do Bradamante's mental state any good at all. She wonders how anyone could be so false and yet so very, very pretty.
She briefly considers killing herself, then decides that she'd rather kill a lot of other people.
Marphisa, for example.
The Queen of the Lost Isle
Bradamante wisely decides to avoid all her brothers, and instead makes her own way in pursuit of the Saracen army. The downside is that this makes her vulnerable to sidequests and random encounters.
She meets a beautiful lady - the Queen of the Lost Isle, also known as Ulania - who is accompanied by the kings of Sweden, Gothland and Norway. She has vowed to marry the most valiant knight, and these three are here hoping for a chance to demonstrate their valour, preferably at the expense of the others. The queen's plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity: she has a golden shield, which she will give to Charlemagne, who will give it to the most valiant knight, who she will marry. If it turns out to be one of her kings, that's great, but if not: hey, valour!
This strikes Bradamante as a bad plan. The last time a foreign princess arrived offering herself as a prize for the most valiant knight, it set off an epic chain of conflicts and events that are even now still playing out.
Also, what if Rogero wins it? It's a long shot, given that he's on the other side, but it's where her mind is.
She wanders on. It starts to rain. She heads to a nearby tower: Tristram's Tower.
The castellan calls out a friendly welcome, and then lays down the rules: there's only room for one knight, and so if there's more than one knight they have to joust for it.
Also, there's only room for one lady, and so if another lady wants to come only the prettiest is allowed in.
Shut up and let me in, she says.
There's already a lady and a knight here, he says.
Well get them fucking out here, she says.
It's raining, he says.
I know it's fucking raining, she says.
For some reason there's not one knight, but three: the kings she met earlier in the day. The lady is the Queen of the Lost Isles.
Armed with Astolpho's magic lance and a towering rage, Bradamante unhorses the three of them in one pass.
You can come in, says the castellan.
Bradamante listens patiently while the castellan explains the story behind the custom, a long and rambling bit involving Tristram and Yseult of Arthurian legend, jealousy, revenge, that sort of thing.
Then she sits down to dinner, at which point the castellan points out that there are two ladies present, which is not allowed. Bradamante is the prettiest, he says.
Bradamante says: I am a knight, and you will treat me as a knight. This lady is a queen, and you will treat her as a queen. Fuck your stupid rules.
You make a compelling argument, says the castellan.
Bradamante and the Queen of the Lost Isles spend a pleasant evening, warm and cosy, watching the tower's magic tapestries that show all of past and future history.
That night, when the restless knight finally drops off to sleep, Rogero visits her in a dream. He says that he loves her and that he's finally arrived to be baptised and married, and...
...then she wakes up.
Fucking fucker, she says.
She gets dressed and armed, says goodbye to the queen and the castellan, rides out past the shivering kings, and heads off. The kings, pretty sure now that they're not going to win the golden shield, chuck their arms and armour into the moat, and wander off themselves.
Gradasso v. Rinaldo (II)
Gradasso and Rinaldo face off on the beach. Bayardo is tethered nearby. The knights go at it. Gradasso is stronger, but Rinaldo is far more skilful. That would probably make a bigger difference if Gradasso wasn't wearing yet another set of magic impervious armour.
But then Bayardo gets spooked by a giant demon bird. The bird tries to eat Bayardo, but the horse kicks it in the face, breaks its tether and bolts into the forest.
Did you summon that thing, Rinaldo asks Malagigi.
Noooo, says Malagigi.
We should probably go after him, says Rinaldo to Gradasso.
Yeah, says Gradasso. Gradasso mounts his own horse, and rides off.
Fucker, says Rinaldo.
Gradasso finds Bayardo cowering in a crevice, and takes possession. Technically, for honour's sake he should take the horse back to the duelling ground and continue the fight with Rinaldo. But, reasons Gradasso, I've come all the way to France for this horse; if Rinaldo wants to fight for it, he should have to come all the way to Sericane.
He calls for a ship, and sails off.
Next: Astolpho goes to hell.
Rescue tally (no change):
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 7
Bradamante: 6
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Marphisa: 2
Rogero: 2
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