The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.
Price: Nothin'.
(Previously...)
Orlando has cast off his sword and armour and is now running naked through the greenwood, tearing out trees, plundering villages and picking up peasants and using them to hit other peasants. His immense strength and invulnerable skin make him pretty difficult to deal with, and pretty soon the main peasant tactic becomes 'run away'! We'll ignore him in favour of Zerbino, who's wondering what happened to him.
Zerbino and the crone (III)
Zerbino and Isabel, wondering what happened to Orlando, come across a knight held captive by two other knights. By a staggering coincidence, the prisoner is Odoric, once Isabel's protector, then captor, and once fast friend of Zerbino's. The two knights are Gallacians: Corebo and and Almonio. Corebo is the knight who tried to defend Isabel from Odoric in the first place; Odoric left him for dead, but it turns out he wasn't. Almonio found him and nursed him back to health, and the two have been wandering around looking for any or all of Odoric, Isabel or Zerbino ever since.
And here they all are.
Zerbino is just considering whether to have Odoric executed for treachery - and against that, there's Odoric's convincing argument that obviously he would fall in love with Isabel if left alone with her - when an uncontrolled horse comes galloping through. It's Gabrina: Mandricardo has taken her bridle but left her on a horse, which has apparently been thundering through the forest ever since.
This gives Zerbino an opportunity to show some mercy: he sentences Odoric to be Gabrina's champion, protector and companion for a year. This seems pretty lenient to Corebo and Almonio. You haven't met Gabrina, says Zerbino. Odoric swears a mighty oath that he will do as he is bid.
Odoric and Gabrina ride off and out of the story - though the poet notes that Odoric almost immediately broke his oath and hanged Gabrina with a bridle; and Almonio did the same to Odoric a year later.
Zerbino meets his (terrible) fate.
Zerbino sends everyone but Isabel back to Paris to let the court know what's going on, and continues on through the wood.
Pretty soon he meets a disconsolate maiden: this is Flordelice, beloved of Brandimart. Brandimart has been missing in action for many months, and Flordelice is now searching the length and breadth of Europe for him.
(Actually, Brandimart has recently been rescued by Astolpho and has gone back to Paris, but Flordelice doesn't know that.)
The three come across Orlando's discarded armour and sword, and Brigliadoro, his horse. A peasant passes in a panic, and explains that these things must have been discarded by the naked madman currently tearing up his village.
Uh, says Zerbino. Not quite knowing what to do, he arranges the armour and sword on a tree, with a board saying "These are ORLANDO's, don't touch if you know what's good for you!"
Then Mandricardo rides up, sees the sword and yoinks it.
That's Orlando's, says Zerbino.
Where's Orlando, says Mandricardo.
He's gone mad, says Zerbino.
I reckon he's faking so he doesn't have to fight me for the sword, says Mandricardo.
Well, you'll have to fight someone for it, says Zerbino. Zerbino draws his sword.
Zerbino is good, but Mandricardo is better. A lot better. Also, he has Hector's enchanted armour. And he has a magic sword now. Zerbino fights gamely, but Mandricardo delivers him several serious wounds.
The fight is called off by Doralice, who is extremely sympathetic to Isabel's evident distress.
Mandricardo rides off with Durindana, Orlando's sword.
Flordelice rides off, muttering that Brandimart will hear of this.
And Zerbino dies in Isabel's arms.
Mandricardo and Rodomont
Mandricardo and Doralice are setting up camp for the knight, when Doralice spots Rodomont approaching. Rodomont is questing for Doralice, and intends to fight Mandricardo for her. Mandricardo, having completed his set of Hector's accoutrements, is all in favour of such a fight.
Hey dickhead, he shouts, bring it on.
Battle is joined, and it's huge. Rodomont and Mandricardo are both enormously potent fighters. Furious blows are exchanged. The battle lays waste to the surrounding forest.
Then Mandricardo's horse rears up, and Rodomont chops through its skull. Rodomont, never particularly sporting, charges at the dismounted knight, but Mandricardo knocks his horse out from under him. The two face off again, this time on foot.
The battle is not interrupted by the arrival of a messenger from Agramant, because the messenger doesn't quite know how to get in between the blades to pass on the message. He explains to Doralice that Marsilius and Agramant are in a pretty bad way, and both Mandricardo and Rodomont have been summoned to support the Saracen forces.
Let me deal with this, says Doralice. She steps between the combatants, and tells them to cool it.
They cool it.
Listen to me, says Doralice, I'm not going with either of you until this whole war thing is sorted.
Ah, say Rodomont and Mandricardo. Then: fair enough.
Mandricardo's just trying to work out what he's going to ride when Brigliadoro ambles past, so that's sorted.
The rescue of Richardetto
Rogero is in a pickle. He knows that Agramant, his liege, is not doing very well in the war and has called for succour. On the other hand, he's lost his girlfriend. He decides that his best bet is to finish the bit of rescuing that he started with Bradamante, then pop round to Agramant's camp and see if he still needs succour. He justifies this by telling himself he can't just abandon the distressed damsel who asked him and B. to save...some guy.
It's a good choice, because he arrives into town to find a terribly beautiful knight tied to a stake, about to be burned to death!
To the rescue!
I should point out here that Rogero has made an assumption that is not entirely true. He has assumed that the knight bound to the stake is his lady love Bradamante, who - he assumes - has attempted to rescue the doomed knight and been captured herself. Because of this false assumption, he fights like a demon. The raging mob is driven off, and the damsel cuts the knight down.
(Rogero's rescue count: +1)
Rogero is shocked to find that it's not Bradamante. It's not even a girl.
That was some rescue, says the stranger.
Don't take this the wrong way, says Rogero, but I thought you were my girlfriend.
Oh, this happens all the time, says the stranger. He introduces himself as Richardetto, Bradamante's twin brother. They're hard enough to tell apart at the best of times, but since she got a head wound and cut her hair, they're practically identical.
Richardetto goes on to tell a story:
"Yeah, like this one time, Bradamante saved this chick, and the chick totally fell in love with her, and Bradamante is all like, 'hey, I'm not a dude,' and this chick is all like 'well I'm in love with you so you better be a dude’..."Richardetto and Rogero ride off towards a nearby town, where they meet Aldigier, Richardetto's cousin. Aldigier has grave news: his half-brothers Vivian and Malagigi have been captured by Ferrau the Saracen! Actually, that happened way back near the start of the book, if not the end of the last one. But Aldigier knows where they are! They're being held captive by Bertolagi of Maganza, who has joined up with the Saracens!
"You don't have to tell me this whole story..."
"So she gets back and tells us about it and I'm like, I know this chick and she's really hot, so I steal Bradamante's armour and ride back and say that I saved this nymph who granted me this one wish and I wished to be a dude, just for her. And she was like super grateful, if you know what I mean..."
"Please stop..."
"And anyway I was there for months and her dad found out and that's how come I was tied to a stake and everyone was going to kill me. So thanks, dude!"
Rinaldo has been sent for, but Richardetto says he's pretty sure Rogero could do the rescuing.
At this point, Rogero remains in a pickle. His liege is being harassed by Christians, and here's Rogero hobnobbing with them! And Bradamante was nowhere near the adventure site!
He weighs up his options: should he proceed to the abbey, where he can convert and get married, and so abandon his king? Or should he defend his king even if it means fighting Bradamante's kin?
He decides to write a letter to Bradamante:
"Dear Brads, I've decided to go and rescue Agramant, and after that I swear I'll come and convert and marry you and everything, should be a couple of weeks at most, hope that's ok, love Rogero.A rescue and a battle
PS: it's an honour thing, I know you understand.
PPS: going to rescue your cousins first.
PPPS: your brother's a bit of a dick."
The three knights set out to rescue Vivian and Malagigi. They are immediately accosted by another knight, who challenges them all to a joust.
We'd love to, says Aldigier, but we're on a rescue mission.
Oh, says the stranger, do you want help?
Sure, says Aldigier.
Hi, says the knight, I'm Marphisa and I really just want to fight someone.
They come across the caravan that's transporting the prisoners. Marphisa comes up with a simple yet elegant battle plan: let's attack them!
The plan works rather better than it might have: because they're being attacked by Rogero and Marphisa, technically pagans, the Maganzese think that the Moors they're dealing with have betrayed them. The whole thing turns into a free-for-all, which ends in a complete rout of both the Moors and the Maganzese.
Rogero is hugely impressed with Marphisa's fighting; Marphisa, likewise with Rogero's. Actually, everyone's hugely impressed with Marphisa's fighting, but she's busy chatting to Rogero now and ignoring everyone else.
Vivian and Malagigi are rescued. The party finds a magic fountain laid down by Merlin, whose carvings represent all past and future history. Malagigi, a crap sorcerer as well as a crap knight, provides a great deal of exposition on this. Vivian listens. Rogero and Marphisa swap sword-polishing tips.
(Rescue count: Marphisa and Rogero, +1 each. Aldigier and Richardetto are pretty useless.)
Shortly after lunch a maiden wanders by: this is Hippalca, Bradamante's messenger. She explains that she was sent by Bradamante with a horse for Rogero - which was stolen by Rodomont. She's been hoping to catch up with Rogero, Richardetto, Aldigier or, basically, anyone, ever since.
As luck would have it, Mandricardo, Rodomont and Doralice happen to ride by the fountain at this point. Marphisa has discovered some dresses in Bertolagi's train, and decided to try one on. Mandricardo falls in love with her immediately, and decides to joust for her. He quickly defeats Vivian, Malagigi, Aldigier and Richardetto, and announces to Marphisa that he has won her by defeating, presumably, her lord.
If any of those had been my actual lord, says Marphisa, maybe you'd be right. Then she adds: you want to fight? Fight me.
She dons her armour and goes Mandricardo. The initial joust is inconclusive, so they dismount and hack at each other with swords. They're both wearing indestructible armour, so the battle lasts a while.
Eventually Rodomont steps in and reminds Mandricardo that they have places to be, defending their king from, you know, the mightiest warriors in all France.
Actually, says Marphisa, that sounds awesome, can I come too?
Rogero quickly passes his letter to Hippalca, so that she can take it back to Bradamante, and goes off with the Saracens, driven by his oath of fealty.
Saracen strife
They don't get far when Rogero brings up the matter of the horse Frontino. Rodomont says he'd be happy to fight for it, after they've saved Agramant.
We can fight for it later, says Rogero, as long as you give me my horse now.
An argument starts, and Mandricardo is about to intervene when he realises that Rogero is wearing Hector's emblem on his shield. As far as Mandricardo knows, he's the only one who can claim descent from that hero, so he challenges Rogero to a duel over it.
It's on, says Rogero.
Then Rodomont and Marphisa intervene, saying they'll never get to the war if everyone keeps fighting. Rodomont tries to bully Mandricardo into calming down. This does not calm Mandricardo down. Marphisa tries to point out that they can all fight after the war. She is able to calm them down to the point where they can all reiterate their grievances, and then the fight starts up again. Rogero tries to knock Rodomont off his horse, at which point both Rodomont and Mandricardo pummel him. Seeing two against one angers Marphisa, and she throws herself into the fray.
Then Richardetto and Vivian blunder in, and take Rogero's side. This gives Rogero the opportunity to wound Rodomont, which in turn lets him support Marphisa, who is evenly matched with Mandricardo.
The battle ends when Malagigi uses magic to spook Doralice's horse, which runs off into the wood. Rodomont immediately pursues, as does Mandricardo.
Rogero thanks Richardetto for his intervention, and asks that he pass on his love to his sister. Rogero and Marphisa head off after the Saracens, and the turn for Paris.
War!
King Agramant is currently under siege. However, Gradasso and Sacripant, recently released from Atlantes' dome, have arrived with a small relief force. Doralice's horse, possessed by a demon, leads Rodomont and Mandricardo straight to the others, and Rogero and Marphisa arrive shortly afterwards. Although still riven by disagreements, this is a mighty force, and they fall upon Charlemagne's army like a ton of bricks.
The battle is a disaster for the Christians. Oliver and Ogier are captured, and only the valour of Brandimart prevents the king himself from falling. The besieging army finds itself besieged in turn.
Where the fuck are Orlando and Rinaldo, asks the king.
So far, the most effective tactic Charlemagne has against the Saracens is prayer, so he implements it once again. God gets onto Michael, and Michael kicks Discord down to sort something out among the Saracens.
This is the easiest gig Discord has ever had.
The Great Big Saracen Duelling Circle
Agramant finds himself confronted by half his knights, who all want to fight each other. The situation is this:
- Rodomont wants to fight Mandricardo over the maiden Doralice
- Rogero wants to fight Rodomont over his horse Frontino
- Mandricardo wants to fight Rogero over his right to wear Hector's heraldry
- Mandricardo wants to fight Marphisa because he wants to marry her (without actually releasing his claim on Doralice)
- Marphisa wants to fight Mandricardo because she's Marphisa.
Fine, says Agramant, we'll draw lots. Mandricardo and Rodomont are set up to be the first bout, then Rogero/Mandricardo, Rogero/Rodomont, and lastly Marphisa/Mandricardo.
However, this gets complicated when:
- The knight Ferrau notices that Mandricardo has Orlando's sword, and wants to fight him for it
- Gradasso also notices that Mandricardo has Orlando's sword, and likewise wants to fight him for it
- Sacripant notices that Rodomont is riding Frontino, who was originally his horse before it was ever Rogero's, and wants to fight him over it
- Marphisa notices Brunello the dwarf, who stole her sword at the same time he stole Sacripant's horse, and wants to hang him.
And this, says Agramant, is why the Saracens can't have nice things. Like France.
Agramant sighs, and decides to let Brunello be hanged. He was a pain in the arse anyway.
Then, he asks Doralice who she actually wants to marry. She says Mandricardo. Rodomont hadn't expected this, and decides to head home to Argier in a raging huff. Rogero is pissed off, because Rodomont is still riding Frontino, but he can't actually fight Rodomont until after the Rodomont/Mandricardo and Rogero/Mandricardo bouts. Lots were drawn by the king, dammit, and Rogero respects due process. So he goes off to find Mandricardo, so he can at least get that fight out of the way. Sacripant isn't waiting for a fight, so he heads off in pursuit. He is delayed, however, as he stops to rescue a randomly drowning lady.
Rodomont spends much of the journey home ranting loudly about the perfidy of women, and kings, and life in general. He eventually washes up at a pub, where he asks people to tell him dirty stories and gets really, really drunk.
Next: Rodomont's Bridge.
Rescue tally:
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 7
Bradamante: 6
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Marphisa: 2
Rogero: 2
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