The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.
Price: Nothin'.
(Previously...)
Woe, woe
Bradamante is unhappy. The battle is over, the Saracens have fled, her brothers are safe - but Rogero has disappeared.
She does not suffer in silence: the seer Melissa cops an earful for prophecies that are obviously crap; Marphisa gets an earful for a brother who is obviously likewise.
Marphisa shrugs. Rogero can probably explain himself, and if he can't, she'll kill him, that's all.
A quest for ... love?
Rinaldo, meanwhile, has remembered that he was in love with Angelica as a result of a magic fountain, and wonders what she's up to these days. He decides to ask Malagigi. Malagigi, himself sweet on the shifty princess, is actually brooding on that same subject. He decides that, honestly, if she'd been at all interested she'd had plenty of opportunity to say so; she's just not that into him. Instead of advising Rinaldo that she's not that into him either, he agrees to summon a demon to track her down.
The demon he summons is a bit of an expert on matters of the heart, and it recognises the effects of the love/hate fountains.
It's not going to work, says the demon. For one thing, she hates him; for another, she just got married to a Moorish soldier; plus also, she's gone to India.
Rinaldo is not one to take no for an answer. He storms out, and asks Charlemagne if he can be given leave from court.
Why, says Charlemagne.
Because, uh, Gradasso nicked my horse, says Rinaldo, and took it to Ind... to Sericane.
Dudon and Guido offer to come with him, but Rinaldo says, nah, guys, it's cool.
Are you sure, they say.
Fucking leave me alone, says Rinaldo.
No sooner does Rinaldo enter the forest of Arden, however, when he's attacked by a monster - a woman made entirely of snakes. He tries to take her on, but this thing is actually weird enough to freak him out. He's unable to land a blow, and at the same time she keeps chucking snakes at him. When one gets into his visor, he considers it time to pissbolt.
This doesn't help, however, because the monster leaps onto his horse and continues the assault even as he flees.
Things begin to look bleak for our hero, but in the nick of time a stranger knight appears and takes up the fight. Rinaldo gratefully flees as the stranger forces the monster back to hell.
The two ride on for a bit. Rinaldo asks the stranger who he is; the stranger declines to answer. They arrive at the magic fountains of love and hate, where the stranger recommends they rest. Rinaldo agrees, and takes a drink from the fountain of hate.
Immediately, his love for Angelica falls away.
Right, says the stranger, now I can tell you who I am. He introduces himself as the allegorical figure Disdain, sent to break Rinaldo's chains of love. Then he vanishes.
Right then, says Rinaldo, I'd better go to Sericane and get my horse back.
Further allegorical adventures
Rinaldo soon hears about the duel between Orlando and co. and Gradasso etc., and resolves to head there at once. He rides as fast as he can, changing horses every ten miles, but eventually he decides to stop for the night.
Conveniently, he meets another stranger knight, who asks him if he's married.
It happens that I am, says Rinaldo.
Excellent, says the stranger, if you stay at my castle I'll show you something that will interest you.
The stranger's castle is large and luxurious, and is full of future-history statues of renowned, virtuous women. The stranger sits Rinaldo down to dinner, and starts to weep.
What's up, says Rinaldo.
In reply, the stranger presents a golden, gem-encrusted cup. This is a magic cup, he says, and you can only drink from it if your wife is faithful - but usually it spills everywhere.
Women suck, he adds.
Rinaldo, who was until recently questing after a woman who was not his wife, is reluctant to try the cup.
Actually, he says, I don't think I want to know.
People suck, really, he adds.
Wish I'd done that, says the stranger.
He tells his tale: how the sorceress Melissa - presumably the same one, but acting somewhat out of character - fell in love with him, how she gave him the magic cup, how she convinced him his wife was unfaithful even though he could drink from it. How Melissa disguised him as someone else, allowing him to prove his wife's unfaithfulness by seducing her, and how she ran off with the man that he'd been disguised as. How he told Melissa that she could go fuck herself.
Melissa does not come off well in this story.
So now he invites married men to his castle, so he can laugh at them when they spill wine on themselves.
That sucks, mate, says Rinaldo, but don't you think you're taking it all a bit too hard? I mean, Melissa fucked you over, you fucked your wife over, your wife fucked you over, and you fucked Melissa over. You've got to be philosophical, yeah?
Yeah, says the stranger, you're probably right.
The stranger loads Rinaldo into a magic boat, and sends him on his way.
Aboard the ship, Rinaldo discusses the incident with a sailor, wondering if he should have tried the cup after all.
Probably not, says the sailor, who then goes off into a long comic tale of infidelity and justice.
Everyone talks too much, says Rinaldo.
Reunion
Rinaldo travels across Europe until at last he finds Orlando and Olivier, and travels with them back to Biserta. They decide to bring the wounded Sobrino with them; they can't just abandon him, Saracen or no. Sansonet and Astolpho are pleased to see them, but are dismayed that Brandimart is not with them.
They carefully break the news to Flordelice who, thanks to a prophetic dream, is already dressed in mourning.
She is not happy.
An elaborate funeral is held for Brandimart, and Orlando vows to look after Flordelice.
The knights start making their way home, but Olivier's wound is troubling him; the captain of their ship says he knows of a hermit on an island who is pretty whiz at magic cures, probably. Orlando agrees to change course, and they head for the island.
Given that the wounds were received while defending the faith - more or less - the hermit agrees to heal Olivier's foot.
Witnessing the miracle, Sobrino decides to convert himself - and finds himself miraculous cured and all.
Oh by the way, says the hermit, this is Rogero - he's one of your lot now.
Roland sends to the ship for some food, and everyone feasts.
That's a coincidence, says Rinaldo, I had a duel with a guy called Rogero, he was awesome.
Same guy, says Sobrino.
Rogero is inducted into the company. Rinaldo says that he can marry his sister if he wants; Orlando and Olivier agree.
"Sure, guys. Wasn't asking you, but whatever."Orlando gives Rogero back his arms and horse, plus one of the magic swords. (I'm not sure which, I've lost track.)
Everyone returns home - Astolpho via Ethiopia, by hippogriff - and Rogero is taken to introduced to Charlemagne. His parentage is established and he is welcomed as a son.
Well, a nephew.
Well, technically kin.
Rogero is overjoyed to see his sister - and delighted to see Bradamante. They embrace.
This confuses Charlemagne considerably, because he and Duke Aymon, Bradamante's father, have just promised the Emperor of Greece that she'll marry his son, Leo.
One last wrinkle
There is a conversation. Rinaldo patiently explains to his father that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Orlando patiently explains to his uncle that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Olivier and Sobrino weigh in, patiently explaining that everyone has agreed that Bradamante can marry Rogero. Aymon patiently explains to his son and nephew and everyone else that they can fuck off.
Bradamante's mother Beatrice explains that an Emperor's son is better than some random vagrant ex-Saracen knight. She is not patient.
Bradamante is torn between filial duty and her love for Rogero. She's actually a bit shocked that no-one is listening to Rinaldo and Orlando: surely if those two fuckheads agree on something, people should pay attention.
Rogero weighs up his options. These are:
- Ride real quick to Greece and try to explain things to Emperor Constantine.
- Kill Aymon.
2a. Kill everyone who tries to kill him for killing Aymon, up to and including Rinaldo and possibly including Bradamante. - Kill Leo.
- Kill himself.
- Give up the whole thing in despair.
Bradamante, meanwhile, goes to Charlemagne.
Am I, or am I not, a fucking knight, she says.
What's your point, he says.
I want a boon, she says.
Sure, he says, what do you want?
I'm not marrying any fucker who can't beat me in combat, she says.
That's fair enough, actually, says the king.
Aymon and Beatrice are not at all pleased. They lock Bradamante in a tower. Technically, she's free to go any time she wants, but they tell her they'll be very disappointed if she leaves.
And when Charlemagne announces the boon to the court, Bradamante immediately wants to tell Rogero.
Except he's fucked off without telling anyone.
Fuck, she says. The fucking fucker.
Eastward ho!
Having decided to kill Leo, Rogero heads east. He finds himself near Belgrade, where the Greek army is engaged with the Bulgars. The Greeks are trying to bridge the Save, and the Bulgars are stopping them. However, the Greek army is a hell of a lot bigger than the Bulgarian one, so while the Bulgar's king Vatran is stopping the main army, Leo takes a force the long way round and charges their flank.
Vadran does not survive. The Bulgar army starts to rout.
Rogero sees his chance: he rides in and rallies the breaking Bulgars. He runs his lance through one of Constantine's nephews, and through sheer manliness and valour turns the tide of the battle.
Leo, watching from a nearby tower, is pretty damned impressed by what he sees. I mean, sure, this guy is on the wrong side, but what an artist! What a genius! What a manly and valorous man!
The Bulgars are victorious and the Greeks retreat. Rather than hang around and have the boring adoration of the Bulgars impede his prevenge, Rogero decides to press on into Belgrade. He takes to an inn, where a Greek soldier promptly recognises his livery and runs off to the local lord, Ungiardo. Ungiardo waits until he's asleep, and captures him.
Emperor Constantine is delighted that this brand new hero of the Bulgars has been delivered to him so quickly. So is his sister Theodora, whose son was killed by Rogero in the battle. Constantine hands Rogero over to Theodora, who has him tortured and imprisoned.
A debt of honour
Leo learns that Rogero has been captured, and is being held by his demented aunt.
This isn't right, he thinks. He bribes the guard and strangles the torturer, and releases Rogero.
Leo's rescue count: +1
Hi, he says, I'm Leo and I think you're awesome.
Fuck, says Rogero, I guess I owe you my life. Fuck.
Leo explains that, if this is a life debt situation, he has a problem that Rogero can help with.
See, he says, my father got me engaged to this French knight, and she won't marry anyone who can't beat her in combat, and, look, she sounds like a complete fucking psycho.
Only, he adds, you're completely fucking awesome - can you disguise yourself as me and fight her for me?
Sure, says Rogero, I guess I have to. Fuck.
A fight for love and glory
Leo and Rogero head back to France. A tourney is arranged. Rogero opts to start with sword - not because Bradamante has a magic invincible lance, but because he doesn't want her to recognise his horse Frontino. He's also careful to take a sword which isn't his normal magical one.
The battle begins, and Bradamante does not hold back. She assails the presumed Leo viciously; only the fact that Rogero is completely encased in unbreakable armour saves him. He's careful to look like he's fighting, but he doesn't want to land a serious blow.
Charlemagne and court are terribly impressed at this Greek's fortitude. Eventually, some time after sunset, the king says he reckons that's enough. While technically he was supposed to beat her, not dying is actually probably sufficient. Bradamante must marry Leo.
Rogero goes back to Leo and tells him that he's won, and then goes sulking off into the forest. Bradamante, meanwhile, considers her options. These are:
- Kill Aymon and Beatrice and probably Charlemagne
- Kill Leo
- Kill herself.
This pisses Marphisa off no end, and she goes and confronts Charlemagne.
You fucking suck, she says, Rogero and Bradamante were totally married in secret beforehand in front of me and I am totally a witness.
Charlemagne calls Bradamante down and asks her if it's true; Bradamante is evasive. Orlando and Rinaldo declare that they are totally convinced by Marphisa's totally plausible story. Aymon declares that he is not.
Well fuck you lot, says Marphisa, if this fucking Greek wants to marry my sister-in-law I'll fucking kill him myself.
A resolution at last
Someone explains to Leo that he's going to need to fight Marphisa.
Fuuuck, says Leo. He takes off in desperate search of Rogero, his champion.
He finds Melissa instead.
Melissa explains that Rogero is probably dying of grief. She explains why.
Well that fucking sucks, says Leo.
Melissa leads Leo through the forest to where Rogero is, curled up in the foetal position.
Hey, man, says Leo gently, have you got something to say?
Hey, says Rogero.
Rogero explains everything; how he rode to Hungary to kill Leo, how he got captured and rescued himself, how he acted as champion so that Leo could marry Bradamante, and how fucked up the whole thing is.
You should have fucking said something, man, says Leo, I didn't really want to marry her anyway.
Leo says that the whole thing is political from his point of view, to ally the Greek empire with Charlemagne's kingdom. He says he really doesn't want to let politics get in the way of his best friend's happiness.
Look, he says, you should totally marry Bradamante - you earned it and everything.
Also, he adds, I don't want to fight your fucking psycho sister.
Melissa, Leo and Rogero ride back to Paris. On the way, they meet an emissary from the Bulgars who is looking for Rogero.
Hey look, says the Bulgar, you were awesome back in that battle back there, like amazing, and since we don't exactly have a king at the moment, we were wondering if you'd be up for the gig?
Sure, says Leo, he'd love to.
Leo takes Rogero back to Charlemagne and says: Look, this guy actually won the fight with Bradamante, and guess what, he's the king of Bulgaria and a close personal friend of the Greek crown prince.
Leo tells the story of Rogero's valour back at Belgrade, and explains how he came to be fighting on behalf of the son of the Greek emperor. Everyone is terribly impressed; even Beatrice relents when she learns that Rogero is a king.
Bradamante and Rogero are finally married. Rogero swears fealty to Charlemagne, Melissa blesses the marital bed, and everyone is happy - even if the prophecy says it won't last.
The end.
One last battle
Well, almost.
Just as everyone is settling down to live happily ever after, Rodomont turns up. He accuses Rogero of abandoning his king, and demands satisfaction. They fight; Rodomont is stronger and dominates the duel, until Rogero is able to use a fancy wrestling move to slam Rodomont to the ground. Rogero demands Rodomont yield; Rodomont does not.
So Rodomont dies at Rogero's hand.
The end, for real.
Final rescue tally:
Astolpho: 14
Melissa: 12
Rogero: 9
Bradamante: 7
Angelica: 7
Orlando: 3
Marphisa: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Leo: 1
--
Well, this was...epic. It was fun, it was funny, it was exciting, it was absolutely fascinating. There was the sense that the poet Ariosto was enjoying himself. I developed a real affection for the characters, especially stoic, heroic Bradamante; gleefully violent Marphisa; bold, good-natured Astolpho; and stupid, stupid Rogero. I loved the little knots and threads of criss-crossing storylines, and the singing and fighting and monsters and allegories and allusions and digressions and just the grandness, the knight-in-shining-armour-ness of it all.
I do wonder if I'm doing Bradamante an injustice by summarising ten verses of poetical lamentation as "Fuck the fucking fucker!" but fuck it, she's never a wilting maiden; she's a knight, first and foremost, and she has to put up with some serious bullshit.
Next: Gold and Germans.
No comments:
Post a Comment