The Book: The Aeneid
The Author: Virgil (29-19 BCE)
This text: A poetic translation by Michael J. Oakley - Wordsworth Classics edition.
Price: According to the stickers, I got 20% off $4.95, quite some time ago.
Dido's problem
It is at this point in the narrative that Dido realises that she has a problem.
Her problem is this: Aeneas is hot.
This is a particular problem to Dido, because when her husband was brutally murdered by his brother, she swore off men. She swore before all the gods, in fact, especially Juno. She swore that she would never again marry. If she breaks her vow, she and her city will be doomed.
But Aeneas is hot.
(There are practical geopolitical problems as well, such as what happens when all the African kings she rejected find out that she wasn't actually all that celibate, but the main issues are religious.)
She presents her problem to her sister, Anna.
There's something else you've forgotten, says Anna, which is that you've not had sex in a long, long time.
Shit, says Dido, I'm doomed.
She heads to various temples to placate as many gods as she can in the time she has left to her.
"I suppose I don't have to actually marry him..."
"Do you think that's going to fly with Juno?"
"...yeah, it's probably not even going to fly with me."
Meanwhile, on Olympus, Juno approaches Venus.
My girl there has a thing for your boy there, says Juno.
I noticed that, says Venus, do you think it will be a problem?
Could do worse than a Tyrian/Trojan dynasty, says Juno, what do you reckon?
That actually sounds pretty good, says Venus, but Jove kind of has other plans.
Maybe we could talk him out of them, says Juno.
He's your husband, says Venus.
I'll sort it out, says Juno, you get those two together.
Sure thing, says Venus.
Dido and Aeneas are out hunting when a storm blows up. Most of the party makes it back to town, but Dido and Aeneas are forced to take shelter in a cave. Together.
There, with thunder and lightning crashing outside, they are - um - wed.
Back on track
Pretty much immediately, rumours of Dido and Aeneas' liaison spread across Africa. Various African kings are pissed off, with some going so far as to petition Jove about it.
What the fuck, says Jove.
He has a bit of a look around.
His question remains.
Jove flies about in a rage, until he finds Mercury, the messenger of the gods.
Mercury, he says, I've got a fucking message.
Mercury flies down to Carthage, where he finds Aeneas dressed in robes of Tyrrian purple - a gift, of course, from Dido.
What the fuck, says Mercury, what the fuck.
Um, says Aeneas.
I've got a message from Jove, says Mercury, and it goes like this: hey Aeneas, do you remember that nice destiny you had? That one that had you founding the most glorious empire the world has ever known? In Italy, which is actually nowhere near Carthage? That was a mighty fine destiny, and it would be a great shame if anything were to happen to it.
Right, says Aeneas, I'll just, um...
You'd better, says Mercury, you'd better.
Aeneas starts gathering his people and telling them to prepare the ships, quiet like, and be ready to leave.
Dido, however, gets wind of it, and confronts him.
Were you planning on leaving, she asks.
I, um, maybe, says Aeneas.
You fucker, says Dido.
Hey, says Aeneas, it's not like I was planning on sneaking off without telling you or anything.
It's exactly like you were planning on sneaking off without telling me, says Dido.
You fucker, she adds.
Aeneas sneaks down to the docks and tells his people that it's time to leave.
Doom
As the Trojan vessels leave the harbour, Dido tells Anna that she has a plan to get Aeneas back. The plan involves black and terrible African magic.
Ok, says Anna, as long as you're not going to do anything stupid.
Dido prepares a giant pyre, and gathers Aeneas' arms, which he has left in the palace - either in his haste to leave, or as a gift to his new wife. As Anna gets the fire good and hot, Dido stabs herself with Aeneas sword and throws herself into the flames. The fire catches and spreads throughout Carthage, but Juno sends her handmaiden Iris to mercifully end Dido's pain, and carry her personally to the afterlife.
In the departing Trojan fleet, one of Aeneas' crewmen asks why Carthage is on fire.
I don't actually know, says Aeneas.
Safe in Sicily
The fleet heads back to Sicily, where they are met by Acestes. Acestes is the son of a Trojan noblewoman and a river god. The fleet is resupplied, and Aeneas pays respects at the grave of his father (who died in Sicily just before the storm that sent Aeneas to Carthage). Then he takes advantage of the relative safety of Acestes' kingdom to throw some games to cheer up his crew: a boat race, a foot race, a boxing match, an archery contest. Aeneas uses the games to settle some of the tensions among the crew, and then has Iulus and the squires give a horsemanship display.
As the Trojans are letting their guard down, Juno sees an opportunity to fuck with them. She sends down Iris again, with instructions to sow dissent among the Trojan women.
Iris disguises herself as one Beroe, and moves among the women saying loudly how great Sicily is and how it would be a really bad idea to move on to the Italian mainland. Then she takes brands from the altars of Neptune and tells everyone to burn the ships.
"It's what Cassandra would have done."
"Yeah, but what does Cassandra know?"
At this point, we realise that it's not just Venus who sucks at disguise. The lady Pyrgo points out that this woman is too young, too fit, too strong and too pretty to be Beroe, who anyway is off saying prayers at Aeneas' father's grave. Rumbled, Iris turns into a rainbow and leaves, telling everyone to burn the ships as she does.
The women of Troy are not entirely convinced: on the one hand, the pretty rainbow lady clearly wasn't Beroe; on the other, it was obviously a goddess. They decide to burn the ships just in case.
Word reaches Aeneas, who hurries down to the shoreline. The women quickly flee, but half the ships are burned to the waterline.
Well, this sucks, says Aeneas.
Aeneas deliberates on whether or not to stay in Sicily under Acestes' rule. It's kind of like being in Troy, say some of his men, or would be if we built some impossibly high walls. Aeneas finds himself somewhat swayed by this argument, and starts marking out a new city.
That night, he dreams of his late father.
Look, says his dad, this is all pretty rough and I understand what you're going through, but Jove sent me here to tell you: get your arse to Lavinium on account of your destiny.
There's more, adds the dream-ghost, but you'll have to come and visit me in the afterlife.
Righto, says Aeneas.
The next morning Aeneas consults Acestes, who tells him that there happens to be a cave that leads to the underworld on the mainland.
Aeneas tells everyone that he's been commanded by Jove to move on, but if anyone wants to stay with Acestes, that's fair enough and no-one will accuse them of terrible, gods-defying cowardice or anything. A number of the women take up the offer, because that nice rainbow lady had a point or two, and so do a number of men.
Venus is a bit worried about the risks inherent in sea travel, and asks Neptune for help in keeping her son safe. Neptune agrees, saying that only one sailor will be lost.
That sounds fine, says Venus.
The unlucky sailor is named Palinurus, who dozes off while at the tiller and slips in to the calm sea.
A clear and unambiguous set of prophecies.
The fleet lands, and Aeneas sets out for the temple of Apollo at Euboae. The Sybil sets out the relevant prophecies in dot point form:
- Trojans to Lavinium
- War
- An enemy hero, much like Achilles, also the son of a god
- Mostly this guy wants your new wife
- Oh, also: new wife
- Don't give into weakness, praise Apollo, etc.
That's great, says Aeneas, but I actually wanted to see my dad in the underworld.
It's easy enough to get down there, says the Sibyl, but getting back is the trick.
Down into hell
The Sibyl leads Aeneas down into the underworld. In the early caves, Aeneas sees mostly casualties from the Trojan war, especially those unaccounted for but presumed dead. The caves become more crowded as they approach the river Styx. Here is Palinurus, who is worried about the fact that he has no grave.
Don't worry about it, says the Sibyl, because (a) lots of people will remember you and put up memorials, you'll be fine, and (b) it won't do any good because you're dead.
Aeneas and the Sibyl approach the boatman, Charon, who complains about how taking living people is against the rules because they always cause trouble. He cites Hercules and Theseus as examples. The Sibyl tells him to shut up and then bribes him, and he takes them across.
As they cross the Fields of Mourning, Aeneas sees Dido. He mumbles an apology, but she just glares at him and wanders off to join her first husband.
Eventually, after much history, a number of old, dead friends, and a great deal of allegory, they get as far as the Fields of Joy in Elysium. They find Aeneas' father supervising a bunch of clean souls, rinsed in the waters of Lethe and ready to be born into new bodies.
Glad to see you, my boy, he says, wasn't sure you'd make it out of Carthage.
Who are these souls? asks Aeneas.
Oh, they're our descendants, says his dad, and there's absolute buckets of them.
Aeneas is introduced to various important descendants, with special attention paid to Romulus and to Julius Caesar. His father gives him a short future history of Rome, which doesn't mean a lot to Aeneas because Rome doesn't even exist yet. But Aeneas' father is clearly pretty impressed with the whole mighty destiny thing.
So what we need, says Aeneas' dad, is for you to go to the town of Laurentum, get married, and win the coming war.
Aeneas says, Righto.
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