The Book: The Aeneid
The Author: Virgil (29-19 BCE)
This text: A poetic translation by Michael J. Oakley - Wordsworth Classics edition.
Price: According to the stickers, I got 20% off $4.95, quite some time ago.
So the Aeneid was written in the first century BCE, in part as a homage to the Emperor Augustus. It links up Roman mythic history with the Greek, by telling the story of a minor hero from the Iliad as he escapes the fall of Troy and sets himself up in Italy, incidentally founding a line that culminates in - well, the Emperor Augustus.
The setup is that Troy has fallen, and Aeneas has escaped. Aeneas is fated to settle in the middle of Italy, and found a city that will one day be the seat of the mightiest empire the world has ever seen. This is all part of the divine order, more or less. At least, it's what Jove and Apollo want tp happen. It's not explicitly stated, but this is basically what went down on Roman-Olympus:
Picture, if you will, a mighty - if currently incomplete - city on the north coast of Africa. This is Carthage, recently founded by refugees from the destruction of Tyr. The Tyrrians are ruled by their Queen Dido and worship the goddess Juno. All things considered, the city is doing pretty well: it's rich, it's prosperous, and it's lovingly cared for by its queen and its goddess.
Just washing up now on the shore nearby are a bunch of battered boats. These are also refugees: fugitives from Troy, recently sacked by Greeks. The boats are battered because Juno tried to sink them with a storm. She sank some of them. The fleet has been separated, and this is a remnant.
The Trojans' leader is Aeneas.
Aeneas is hot.
No, seriously: Aeneas is the son of the goddess Venus. He has blond flowing hair, glowing bronze skin, and a body that looks like its been carved from marble. Aeneas has many heroic qualities, but chief among them is his superhuman prettiness.
The Trojans do not know where they are. Aeneas takes a party to the clifftops to find out.
Jove looks down from Roman-Olympus and says, what the fuck are those guys doing in Africa? They're supposed to be in Italy by now.
He sends Venus down to check it out. Venus disguises herself as a Tyrrian maiden and heads down to sort things out.
Venus sucks at disguise.
Hello, storm-tossed sailors, she says, I am a normal Tyrrian human girl, wearing human clothes and human boots! Perhaps I might aid you?
Aeneas says, stop fucking around, mum, tell us what's going on.
Venus, clinging doggedly to her human maiden ruse and her human maiden boots, tells Aeneas the history of the local area. She explains how Dido's husband was murdered by his brother, and how his ghost told her to loot the treasury and flee. How she came to Africa and founded a new city.
Venus then asks Aeneas how he came to be there, but gets so upset when he starts to tell her that she offers to help him straight away. She envelops Aeneas and his party in a cloud so that they can sneak into Carthage.
My human parents taught me magic, she says.
Aeneas and his party head past the Temple of Juno construction site, which is decorated with scenes of the still quite recent Trojan war, and head to the throne room. Court is currently in session, and Aeneas is overjoyed to see some of his countrymen. These are the captains of ships from his fleet. We've lost our leader, they say, so we're not sure about going to Italy anymore. Maybe we could make it to Sicily, swear allegiance to Acestes who is also a Trojan?
Dido says that they're welcome to stay in Carthage, and she's happy to send a search party to see if Aeneas survived the storm. Especially since he sounds pretty hot.
No need! says Aeneas, announcing himself and stepping out of his cloud.
Wow, says Dido, you are hot.
Hey Cupid, says Venus, need you to do your thing. Disguise yourself as Aeneas' son Iulus, make Dido fall for Aeneas.
Sure thing, mum, says Cupid, this almost never goes catastropically wrong.
Tell us your story, hot stuff, says Dido.
Aeneas does.
The Fall of Troy
Aeneas tells his tale.
"So first up, fuck the Greeks, am I right? I fucking hate those guys.
"Those fuckers had laid seige to Troy for a fucking decade, right? And then one day they're gone, and there's this huge fuck off wooden horse. And someone says, hey, they left us a horse, lets bring it in to the city.
"And Laocoön goes, what the fuck you stupid fuckers, this is Ulysses' work, that things probably full of fucking Greeks. He throws his spear at it and says, we should burn it and them with it.
"But no-one does.
"And there's this Greek prisoner Sinon who's like, no, don't kill me, Ulysses was going to sacrifice me to Apollo, so fuck Ulysses - I can tell you what's going on.
"And this little fucker tells us that Ulysses had offended Athena, who'd said that Greek weapons were never going to harm Troy now, and then he says that Ulysses got all scared and made this horse as an offering to her, but they were worried that when they left we'd bring it into the city and Athena would love us and make us kings of Asia, so he had it made really really big so we wouldn't be able to get it through the gates.
"And we're all like, yeah, that sounds like a big pile of wooden horseshit, but then Laocoön and his sons get eaten by sea-serpents and we're like, yeah, maybe it is sacred to Athena.
"So we try and bring it into the city, and then Cassandra says, what the fuck guys, that thing's doomy as heck, you can hear fucking swords clanging in there. But what does Cassandra know, right?
"Long story short, the Greek armies hadn't gone any further than Tenebros and they sailed back after nightfall, and Sinon let out all the Greeks in the horse, and suddenly everything goes to shit.
"So I'm there half-drunk and half-asleep thinking, why is the city on fire, I thought we were past that now. And suddenly the ghost of Hector is there, and I'm like, dude, you died, and he's like, dude, get the fucking fuck out of here, the city is on fire. And he tells me to go past the royal temple and get the household gods, because otherwise they'll probably burn with the city.
"And I say, loot the temple and get the fuck out. Got it.
"And he says, look, it's not like that but then I wake up and get moving.
"I get to the temple and Pyrrhus has just killed Prince Polites and is menacing King Priam, and Priam's all like, this is a fucking temple, dude, you can't just kill people, what will your father Achilles think? And Pyrrhus cuts off Priam's head and says, wow, you're right, dude, that was terrible, I better go and apologise to my father.
"Fuck Pyrrhus, man.
"So I grab the gods and I head back to my dad's place, and I say, dad, we've got to go, the city's on fire. And dad says, I'm not leaving, I was born and raised here. So I say, fuck that, and I put him on my back and we head down to the docks. And by dawn we've escaped the city, and my dad and my son Iulus are with me. But my wife Creusa didn't make it."
And Dido says, so, that means you're single, right?
The Trojan Exodus (or possibly Odyssey)
Aeneas continues:
"Right, so I figure we'll put in at Thrace - these guys are our allies, right? But as I'm doing the rites to my mum, I find this weird tree, and well I pull it up it's dripping blood and there's this zombie corpse there.
"And the corpse says, hey there, Aeneas, I'm Polydorus, my father Priam sent me to the Thracians to keep me safe but it turned out it didn't work because they killed me and took all of Dad's gold. Fuck the Thracians, man.
"And I said, yeah, fuck the Thracians.
"We buried Polydorus and set sail. Fucking Thracians.
"We pitch up at Delos, which is ruled by Anius, a friend of my dad's. Anius is king and also a priest of Apollo, so he suggests we all have a bit of a pray. Fuck me if we don't get a prophecy then and there: there's a kingdom for us in the land of our ancestors. Specifically, dad's and my ancestors.
"And dad says, sweet, Crete's near here and I'm pretty sure we have ancestors from Crete.
"And I say, really? And dad says, pretty sure.
"And then we hear a rumour that the king of Crete had fled for some reason, and the island is practically empty, so we set sail for Crete.
"Turns out the reason Crete was abandoned is plague. We all get sick, and a bunch of us die. Fuck plague, man.
"And then I have this dream where the house gods tell me that Apollo didn't mean Crete, he meant Latium in Italy. And I say, well maybe next time he could be more specific, and they say, don't be so fucking impious. And that morning I ask my dad about it and he says, oh yeah, Latium, I remember Cassandra saying something about that. But what does Cassandra know, right?
"Next we stop at Strophades. Not for long, it's full of fucking harpies. Fuck harpies!
"We give Ithaca a wide berth. Fucking Ulysses, man. Fuck that guy.
"Then we stop at Mount Leucata, have some games, meet the locals. Then Chaonia - Chaonia's pretty cool, actually. In the time we'd been sailing, Helenus, son of Priam, had led a slave revolt, killed Pyrrhus, made himself king, married Andromache. Nice place. We're talking about staying there - Helenus is a Trojan, yeah? And Chaonia is just like a new, tiny Troy - but Helenus says, mate, I'd love for you to stay here, I really would, but there's a prophecy that says you're to go to Italy, and Apollo says it's a real bad idea for you to stay.
"Fucking prophecies.
"So later we're sailing past Sicily and right, Helenus has warned us about Scylla and Charybdis, so we dodge them, but he hasn't warned us about the blind fucking Cyclops. We're just pulling into shore and there's this Greek sailor, and he's all like, get me the fuck out of here! And we're like, dude, we're Trojans, we should really kill you. And he's like, hey, I'd rather be killed by Trojans than eaten by a blind fucking Cyclops. And then suddenly there's this blind fucking Cyclops and we get the fuck out of there. And we ask this Greek guy what he's doing there, and he's like, Ulysses is pretty great and all but he had to abandon half his crew there. And I'm like, no, fuck Ulysses, and he's like, yeah, actually, fuck Ulysses.
"So we figure we'll put in at Sicily. We didn't get to the nice parts of Sicily. My dad died there, did I tell you that? And then this big fucking storm blows up from nowhere and scatters the fleet, and the next thing I know I'm in Carthage with half my ships missing. But it turns out they're mostly pretty close.
"And that, my queen, is my story."
And Dido says, you are so fucking hot.
Next: Love in a time of prophecy.
"Of war is my tale, of the man who, exiled by fate
Was the first that from Trojan beaches to Italy came..."
So the Aeneid was written in the first century BCE, in part as a homage to the Emperor Augustus. It links up Roman mythic history with the Greek, by telling the story of a minor hero from the Iliad as he escapes the fall of Troy and sets himself up in Italy, incidentally founding a line that culminates in - well, the Emperor Augustus.
The setup is that Troy has fallen, and Aeneas has escaped. Aeneas is fated to settle in the middle of Italy, and found a city that will one day be the seat of the mightiest empire the world has ever seen. This is all part of the divine order, more or less. At least, it's what Jove and Apollo want tp happen. It's not explicitly stated, but this is basically what went down on Roman-Olympus:
"Ok, so we're agreed: Aeneas will escape the destruction of Troy, head to Italy and found like the world's best ever empire. Neptune?"Carthage
"Yeah, ok, Jove. I mean I liked Troy, but as long as a couple of them survive I'm happy, I guess."
"Venus?"
"This was my idea, dad!"
"Ok. Mars?"
"100% behind you, boss. Those guys are awesome."
"Always a worry. Athena?"
"As long as Troy still burns."
"Troy still burns. Ok. Juno?"
"I'm going to fuck up those fucking Trojans so fucking hard..."
"Sigh."
Picture, if you will, a mighty - if currently incomplete - city on the north coast of Africa. This is Carthage, recently founded by refugees from the destruction of Tyr. The Tyrrians are ruled by their Queen Dido and worship the goddess Juno. All things considered, the city is doing pretty well: it's rich, it's prosperous, and it's lovingly cared for by its queen and its goddess.
Just washing up now on the shore nearby are a bunch of battered boats. These are also refugees: fugitives from Troy, recently sacked by Greeks. The boats are battered because Juno tried to sink them with a storm. She sank some of them. The fleet has been separated, and this is a remnant.
The Trojans' leader is Aeneas.
Aeneas is hot.
No, seriously: Aeneas is the son of the goddess Venus. He has blond flowing hair, glowing bronze skin, and a body that looks like its been carved from marble. Aeneas has many heroic qualities, but chief among them is his superhuman prettiness.
The Trojans do not know where they are. Aeneas takes a party to the clifftops to find out.
Jove looks down from Roman-Olympus and says, what the fuck are those guys doing in Africa? They're supposed to be in Italy by now.
He sends Venus down to check it out. Venus disguises herself as a Tyrrian maiden and heads down to sort things out.
Venus sucks at disguise.
Hello, storm-tossed sailors, she says, I am a normal Tyrrian human girl, wearing human clothes and human boots! Perhaps I might aid you?
Aeneas says, stop fucking around, mum, tell us what's going on.
Venus, clinging doggedly to her human maiden ruse and her human maiden boots, tells Aeneas the history of the local area. She explains how Dido's husband was murdered by his brother, and how his ghost told her to loot the treasury and flee. How she came to Africa and founded a new city.
Venus then asks Aeneas how he came to be there, but gets so upset when he starts to tell her that she offers to help him straight away. She envelops Aeneas and his party in a cloud so that they can sneak into Carthage.
My human parents taught me magic, she says.
Aeneas and his party head past the Temple of Juno construction site, which is decorated with scenes of the still quite recent Trojan war, and head to the throne room. Court is currently in session, and Aeneas is overjoyed to see some of his countrymen. These are the captains of ships from his fleet. We've lost our leader, they say, so we're not sure about going to Italy anymore. Maybe we could make it to Sicily, swear allegiance to Acestes who is also a Trojan?
Dido says that they're welcome to stay in Carthage, and she's happy to send a search party to see if Aeneas survived the storm. Especially since he sounds pretty hot.
No need! says Aeneas, announcing himself and stepping out of his cloud.
Wow, says Dido, you are hot.
Hey Cupid, says Venus, need you to do your thing. Disguise yourself as Aeneas' son Iulus, make Dido fall for Aeneas.
Sure thing, mum, says Cupid, this almost never goes catastropically wrong.
Tell us your story, hot stuff, says Dido.
Aeneas does.
The Fall of Troy
Aeneas tells his tale.
"So first up, fuck the Greeks, am I right? I fucking hate those guys.
"Those fuckers had laid seige to Troy for a fucking decade, right? And then one day they're gone, and there's this huge fuck off wooden horse. And someone says, hey, they left us a horse, lets bring it in to the city.
"And Laocoön goes, what the fuck you stupid fuckers, this is Ulysses' work, that things probably full of fucking Greeks. He throws his spear at it and says, we should burn it and them with it.
"But no-one does.
"And there's this Greek prisoner Sinon who's like, no, don't kill me, Ulysses was going to sacrifice me to Apollo, so fuck Ulysses - I can tell you what's going on.
"And this little fucker tells us that Ulysses had offended Athena, who'd said that Greek weapons were never going to harm Troy now, and then he says that Ulysses got all scared and made this horse as an offering to her, but they were worried that when they left we'd bring it into the city and Athena would love us and make us kings of Asia, so he had it made really really big so we wouldn't be able to get it through the gates.
"And we're all like, yeah, that sounds like a big pile of wooden horseshit, but then Laocoön and his sons get eaten by sea-serpents and we're like, yeah, maybe it is sacred to Athena.
"So we try and bring it into the city, and then Cassandra says, what the fuck guys, that thing's doomy as heck, you can hear fucking swords clanging in there. But what does Cassandra know, right?
"Long story short, the Greek armies hadn't gone any further than Tenebros and they sailed back after nightfall, and Sinon let out all the Greeks in the horse, and suddenly everything goes to shit.
"So I'm there half-drunk and half-asleep thinking, why is the city on fire, I thought we were past that now. And suddenly the ghost of Hector is there, and I'm like, dude, you died, and he's like, dude, get the fucking fuck out of here, the city is on fire. And he tells me to go past the royal temple and get the household gods, because otherwise they'll probably burn with the city.
"And I say, loot the temple and get the fuck out. Got it.
"And he says, look, it's not like that but then I wake up and get moving.
"I get to the temple and Pyrrhus has just killed Prince Polites and is menacing King Priam, and Priam's all like, this is a fucking temple, dude, you can't just kill people, what will your father Achilles think? And Pyrrhus cuts off Priam's head and says, wow, you're right, dude, that was terrible, I better go and apologise to my father.
"Fuck Pyrrhus, man.
"So I grab the gods and I head back to my dad's place, and I say, dad, we've got to go, the city's on fire. And dad says, I'm not leaving, I was born and raised here. So I say, fuck that, and I put him on my back and we head down to the docks. And by dawn we've escaped the city, and my dad and my son Iulus are with me. But my wife Creusa didn't make it."
And Dido says, so, that means you're single, right?
The Trojan Exodus (or possibly Odyssey)
Aeneas continues:
"Right, so I figure we'll put in at Thrace - these guys are our allies, right? But as I'm doing the rites to my mum, I find this weird tree, and well I pull it up it's dripping blood and there's this zombie corpse there.
"And the corpse says, hey there, Aeneas, I'm Polydorus, my father Priam sent me to the Thracians to keep me safe but it turned out it didn't work because they killed me and took all of Dad's gold. Fuck the Thracians, man.
"And I said, yeah, fuck the Thracians.
"We buried Polydorus and set sail. Fucking Thracians.
"We pitch up at Delos, which is ruled by Anius, a friend of my dad's. Anius is king and also a priest of Apollo, so he suggests we all have a bit of a pray. Fuck me if we don't get a prophecy then and there: there's a kingdom for us in the land of our ancestors. Specifically, dad's and my ancestors.
"And dad says, sweet, Crete's near here and I'm pretty sure we have ancestors from Crete.
"And I say, really? And dad says, pretty sure.
"And then we hear a rumour that the king of Crete had fled for some reason, and the island is practically empty, so we set sail for Crete.
"Turns out the reason Crete was abandoned is plague. We all get sick, and a bunch of us die. Fuck plague, man.
"And then I have this dream where the house gods tell me that Apollo didn't mean Crete, he meant Latium in Italy. And I say, well maybe next time he could be more specific, and they say, don't be so fucking impious. And that morning I ask my dad about it and he says, oh yeah, Latium, I remember Cassandra saying something about that. But what does Cassandra know, right?
"Next we stop at Strophades. Not for long, it's full of fucking harpies. Fuck harpies!
"We give Ithaca a wide berth. Fucking Ulysses, man. Fuck that guy.
"Then we stop at Mount Leucata, have some games, meet the locals. Then Chaonia - Chaonia's pretty cool, actually. In the time we'd been sailing, Helenus, son of Priam, had led a slave revolt, killed Pyrrhus, made himself king, married Andromache. Nice place. We're talking about staying there - Helenus is a Trojan, yeah? And Chaonia is just like a new, tiny Troy - but Helenus says, mate, I'd love for you to stay here, I really would, but there's a prophecy that says you're to go to Italy, and Apollo says it's a real bad idea for you to stay.
"Fucking prophecies.
"So later we're sailing past Sicily and right, Helenus has warned us about Scylla and Charybdis, so we dodge them, but he hasn't warned us about the blind fucking Cyclops. We're just pulling into shore and there's this Greek sailor, and he's all like, get me the fuck out of here! And we're like, dude, we're Trojans, we should really kill you. And he's like, hey, I'd rather be killed by Trojans than eaten by a blind fucking Cyclops. And then suddenly there's this blind fucking Cyclops and we get the fuck out of there. And we ask this Greek guy what he's doing there, and he's like, Ulysses is pretty great and all but he had to abandon half his crew there. And I'm like, no, fuck Ulysses, and he's like, yeah, actually, fuck Ulysses.
"So we figure we'll put in at Sicily. We didn't get to the nice parts of Sicily. My dad died there, did I tell you that? And then this big fucking storm blows up from nowhere and scatters the fleet, and the next thing I know I'm in Carthage with half my ships missing. But it turns out they're mostly pretty close.
"And that, my queen, is my story."
And Dido says, you are so fucking hot.
Next: Love in a time of prophecy.
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