The Book: The Aeneid
The Author: Virgil (29-19 BCE)
This text: A poetic translation by Michael J. Oakley - Wordsworth Classics edition.
Price: According to the stickers, I got 20% off $4.95, quite some time ago.
The Course of Destiny
Aeneas leaves hell and returns to his ships. The Trojans set sail. Good winds and promising tides lead them to avoid a promising harbour; this is Neptune making sure they don't land on the Circe's island.
Somewhere on the Tiber is the land of Latinus, son of a nymph and the god Faunus, descendant of Saturn. Latinus is the just and peaceful king of Laurentum, but he has no sons to inherit from him. He does have a daughter: the lovely Lavinia. Given how peaceful and prosperous Latinus' kingdom is, Lavinia is pursued by a great many potential suitors. The most relevant, most successful and the prettiest of these suitors is called Turnus. His mother is a nymph, making him half divine.
A freak swarm of bees prompts a prophecy from a seer: a horde of foreigners is coming; Lavinia is crowned and glowing with fiery radiance; the palace is also glowing with a fiery radiance, because it's on fire. This in turn sends Latinus into the sacred glade to ask a prophecy of his father. Faunus says, I reckon Lavinia should marry a foreigner, it'll be awesome.
Aeneas sails up the Tiber and makes landfall. This is it, he says, this is where Dad said we'd settle down, and we'd know it because we were completely out of provisions and can't actually go any further, so, yay. We'd best found a city. Or, at least, find some food. Aeneas starts marking out the boundaries of his future capital.
He also sends an embassy to Laurentum. The Latins invite Ilioneus, the chief envoy, to meet with Latinus in the sacred temple to the gods.
Heya, says Latinus, what brings you strangers here?
You're probably not going to believe this, says Ilioneus, but we're on a mission from Jove.
Actually, that makes sense, says Latinus, you're probably from the dude who my father wants to marry my daughter.
That does sound a lot like Aeneas, says Ilioneus.
Ok, well, welcome to Italy, says Latinus, I reckon he should be king and found a mighty empire and marry my daughter and everything.
Thanks, says Ilioneus, that was easier than I expected.
No worries, says Latinus, have some magic horses.
Juno, observing this, says, Fuck no.
Strife and Fury
Juno finds herself running out of options for dealing with the Trojans, and decides to ask for help. She descends to Hell and asks Allecto for help in turning the Latins against Aeneas.
Allecto is one of the Furies. She says: strife and torment? Sure.
Allecto heads to Latium, and finds Latinus' wife Amata. Amata is seething with anger. She favours Turnus as a suitor to her daughter, and is furious at the idea of her marrying some foreign walk-in. Allecto pulls a snake from her hair (she has snakes for hair) and puts it into Amata's heart. Amata goes to Latinus and demands that he call off the wedding to this outcast pirate. Latinus refuses.
This drives Amata into a worse frenzy. She flees through the city, pretending to be driven by Bacchus - a reasonably serious blasphemy, as it happens. She gathers the women of the city into a frenzied mob, and takes Lavinia out in the woods, ostensibly to be married to Bacchus.
Satisfied with this work, Allecto heads to Turnus' home, Ardea. She finds Turnus asleep, so she slips into his dream disguised as Juno's priestess Calybe. She tells him that the Trojans coming up the Tiber are going to steal his fiancee and his kingdom. Turnus shrugs his sleeping shoulders and says, what the fuck do I care about Trojans? Juno's looking out for me.
Listen here you little fuck, says Allecto. Turning full monstrous, she says: I don't give a fucking fuck what you fucking want, I want you to go and fuck up some Trojans.
Allecto shoves a burning torch into Turnus' chest, inciting an insane warlust and battle fury. Turnus gathers his men and declares war on the Trojans, saying that he's happy to take over the rule of Latium if it will help him.
This is still insufficient for Allecto. She heads out to find Aeneas' son Iulius, who is out hunting with some other youths. The hunting party comes across a giant stag, and shoots it. Unfortunately for Iulius, this particular stag is the tame pet of Latinus' gamekeeper, Tyrrhus. The wounded stag makes it home before dying, greatly upsetting Tyrrhus' family. Inflamed by Allecto, Tyrrhus gathers his men to seek vengeance.
Allecto reports back to Juno, who commends her for a job well done. Juno says she'll take it from here, and Allecto descends back to Hell.
Tyrrhus men fall on Iulius's party. There is a bloody, brutal battle, which sees death on both sides, including Tyrrhus' eldest son Almo. The shepherd return to Latinus with Almo's body, and between them Turnus and the frenzied women harry a reluctant Latinus. Feeling powerless to prevent Juno's will, Latinus abdicates in favour of Turnus, adding he considers this all Turnus' fault and he'll get what's coming to him.
Preparing for War
Turnus recruits all the local kingdoms into a giant Trojan-smashing army. He also sends a messenger to Diomedes, King of the Greeks, saying, hey, dude, we're smashing Trojans and we know you Greeks are into that sort of thing.
The rumours of war reach Aeneas, who is distressed: this was all going so well. He has a nap on the banks of the Tiber. The patron god of that river, Tiberinus, comes to him in a dream.
About time you showed up, says Tiberinus, we've been waiting for you. Got a plan for you and everything. Some allies nearby, dude from Greece named Evander, who has a city you'll need. All you need to do is apologise to Juno, and give me some fat sacrifices.
On waking, Aeneas sacrifices a white sow to Juno, and sets off the meet the Greeks. Evander - originally of Arcadia and recently of Etruria - has founded a modest town, called Pallas after his son. This, it turns out, is Rome-to-be, with familiar landmarks and sites of future glory. Evander is pleased to see the Trojans; they've been fighting the Italians with middling success, and he doesn't feel up to leading a war of conquest. But, he says to Aeneas, I reckon you can do it. Take my son and teach him warfare; take my people and lead them.
Venus, meanwhile, prevails upon her husband Vulcan to make a set of arms and armour for her son. Vulcan is not all that keen on supporting his wife's child, but Venus is persuasive. She delivers the armaments to Aeneas in a crashing thunderbolt.
Ah, says Aeneas, that'll be my mum.
Venus presents Aeneas with is magic armour. She is particularly keen to point out the shield, which shows scenes of Rome's future glory. The centrepiece is the battle of Actium, where the heroic Augustus Caesar and his right-hand man Agrippa stand with their heroic Roman army against the wicked Marc Antony and the even wickeder Cleopatra, and their army of gods and monsters.
Wow, says Aeneas. That's a pretty neat shield.
Iulius holds the fort
With Aeneas away, Juno sends Iris down to tell Turnus to get a shuffle on with starting the war. Subtle as ever, Iris makes a big show with a rainbow to impress on Turnus how important this is. Turnus takes the hint and shuffles on to attack the Trojans' camp.
Which the Trojans have fortified. And one thing about Trojans is that they know how to fortify shit.
Right, says Turnus, let's burn their ships.
Turns out Aeneas' ships can look after themselves: they're actually made from trees of the sacred groves of the goddess Cybele, who had agreed to keep the Trojans safe until they made it to Italy. That job done, and with her priests warning of Italians with torches, she asks Jove if she can have her trees back now. This seems reasonable to Jove, who turns the ships into sea-nymphs and sends them home.
Well fuck, says Turnus, and goes back to besieging the camp.
Two soldiers - Nisus and young Euryalus - look over at the besieging Italians and say to each other, I reckon I could take 'em. They convince Iulus to let them go on a secret mission to call Aeneas back. Iulus reckons this is a great idea, and offers them great riches if they are successful.
They are not successful. On the way out they notice how very drunk the Italians are, and decide to off a few. They kill several of Turnus' allies in their sleep, but the camp is roused and they find themselves in the thick of a mighty battle. Euryalus is killed, but Nisus makes it back.
By dawn, the Italians are violently angry, and launch a ferocious assault on the camp.
The camp remains fortified. Turnus' brother-in-law, Numanus, starts taunting the Trojans about hiding behind walls, pointing out that this didn't go so well for them last time.
Iulus shoots him.
This is the first time Iulus has killed someone in battle, and the god Apollo applauds from a nearby cloud, but warns him to stay clear of the rest of the battle.
Iulus' shot changes the mood of the battle, and the Trojan gate guards decide, fuck it, let's kill some Italians. They open the gate and rush out.
Turnus sees an opportunity and rushes in.
Turnus is half-divine and not shabby as a fighter, and he wreaks havoc on the Trojan forces. However, he is not a brilliant strategic thinker, and neglects to lead the rest of the forces in. The gates are closed and, after heavy losses, the Trojan leaders are able to corner Turnus. Turnus leaps into the river, and floats downstream to rejoin his forces.
Meanwhile, on Olympus
Jove points out to the gods that this battle is now a horrible mess: bloodied Trojans, murdered Italians, chaos, confusion - and Aeneas isn't even there.
Venus says, what the fuck are you going to do about it? That's my boy down there, and we said we'd help him.
Juno says, well I didn't send him to fucking Italy, did I? He listened to Cassandra, and now he's there, fucking up my Latins and generally causing chaos. This is not my fault.
Jove, fed up, says, I don't fucking care, let Fate sort it out. Nobody's to help anyone, we'll see what happens.
The Greeks' answer
Aeneas returns, somewhat bemused to see his former ships swimming away as nymphs. He and his allies are able to fight their way through to the camp, but Pallas is killed by Mezentius, former king of the Etruscans and now Turnus' right hand man.
Aeneas kills him.
The battle continues, with each side in turn getting the other hand. Kings and heroes on both sides are killed. Juno pleads for the opportunity to save Turnus, and whisks him a way from the battle. Jove points out that this is merely a reprieve, as Turnus is still fated to die. Eventually the Italians call for a truce to bury the dead, which Aeneas readily grants.
And then the emissary that Turnus sent to Diomedes the Greek returns, with a response:
Oh holy fuck no! Don't fuck with the Trojans! Everything about that last war was completely fucked! Menelaus got fucked, Agamemnon got fucked, Ulysses got fucked, Pyrrhus got fucked, all of fucking Crete got fucked! We're sure as shit not starting that mess up again! Just let Aeneas settle wherever the fuck he wants to, and don't ask me for no god-damned favours!
Well, says Latinus, bit fucking late for that, isn't it?
Turnus is eager to continue fighting, but the mood of the Laurentum war council is against him. Latinus and the other elders put forward strong arguments in favour of seeking a peace with Aeneas. Turnus keeps the war going by force of anger and will, but slowly, slowly, starts turning in favour of the Trojans and their allies.
The final battle
Aeneas' forces eventually end up besieging Laurentum. Turnus' alliances are broken and his forces have fled behind the walls.
Fuck me, says Aeneas, but that was much harder than mum said it would be.
Rather than being captured, and unwilling to accept Latinus' advice to maybe marry someone else's daughter, Turnus challenges Aeneas to single combat.
This is all your fault, says Aeneas, you are fucking on.
The battle is brutal and fierce, with the combatants equally matched: Turnus' ferocity and brutality against Aeneas' skill and wit. But then Turnus' ordinary sword breaks on Aeneas' divine armour. Turnus flees, and Aeneas pursues.
The nymph Juturna, Turnus' half-sister on their mother's side, comes to his aid, disguised as his charioteer. She passes him a sword. Turnus and Aeneas face each other.
On Olympus, Jove turns to Juno. Juturna wouldn't have interfered without your say so, he says. It's time to let this end.
Juno pauses. Then she says, all right. But please: let the Trojans end here. Troy fell - let it stay fallen. Let Aeneas' people be called something else. Let them be Romans.
Very well, says Jove.
Aeneas' spear falls on Turnus, and he dies.
The end.
