The Book of Kings II: Sam, the son of Sam, and the son of the son of Sam

The Myth: Tales of Ancient Persia! Kings! Princes! Heroes! Demons! Giant birds! Battles! Conquest! Divine kingly radiance! The grandest sweep of history!
The Book: Shahnameh, the Persian Book of Kings
The Author: Abolqasem Ferdowski, some time in the tenth century.
This text: a 2006 translation by Dick Davis.
Price: This one cost me $29.99 from Dymocks, and it was money well spent. Seems to be pricier on the internet, though.

The mythic age blends into the heroic age, marked in particular by the earth-shaking hero Rostam.

Sam, and the birth of Zal
Sam is one of Manuchehr's vassals, the ruler of Zavolestan. At this point in the narrative, he has just fathered his one and only child on one of his more attractive concubines. However, the boy is born with white hair, an absolutely terrible omen, so the women of the household conspire to keep the birth a secret until they work out what to do.

Eventually, they devise a plan: stop keeping it a secret. They nominate a particularly courageous wet-nurse to be the bearer of bad tidings. Sam orders the baby exiled, and the poor lad is abandoned in the mountains, near the lair of the giant magical bird, the Simorgh.

The Simorgh, hunting for food for her own offspring, finds the exposed baby. She swoops down to take him to her nest, with the intention of feeding him to her young, but the bird family takes pity on the adorable child and he is adopted into the nest. The boy grows into a fine young lad, fed directly from the beak of the Simorgh. Soon passing travellers take note of the attractive, mysterious youth in the mountains, and the rumour spreads.

Back in his palace, Sam starts having prophetic dreams, where he is congratulated on how well his son has turned out, and castigated for abandoning a child in the mountains. His entire court tells him, "Yeah, that was a pretty crap thing to do," so he sends out his counsellors and lieutenants to find the boy and bring him home.

The Simorgh learns of Sam's expedition and tells the boy that it's probably time for him to return to his father. The boy is terribly upset about being kicked out of the nest, but the Simorgh tells him that actually, Persia's pretty great. Palaces, wine, fighting, gems, princesses - all kinds of cool shit. She gives him some of her feathers, telling him to burn them whenever he needs her. Then she drops him at his father's feet and flies off. Sam is overjoyed, noting his well-formed limbs, diving kingly radiance, and perspicacious gaze, and ignoring his weird white hair.

Sam names the child Zal, and presents him to Manuchehr. Zal's horoscopes are read, and they're pretty impressive. Sam is sent off to attack demons, so he appoints Zal to rule in his stead. He points out to his people how lucky they are to have a king who has been raised by a magical bird. Zal, having been raised by a giant magical bird, doesn't know anything about kinging. His first act is to summon everyone in the land to teach him everything.

Zal becomes the most learned man in Persia.

Zal, and the birth of Rostam
Zal decides to travel his kingdom, and meets Mehrab, King of Kabol. Mehrab is a pretty good dude, but he's an idol-worshiper and also the grandson of Zahhak. During the visit, Zal hears tell of Mehrab's amazingly beautiful daughter, Rudabeh, who no-one has ever seen.

"But if... actually, nevermind."

Zal is seized by a longing for this amazing woman, and camps out near Kabol. Meanwhile, Rudabeh hears of Zal, and asks her handmaids about him. They say that he's absolutely awesome, except for his weird white hair. Rudabeh falls immediately in love, and recruits her handmaids to help arrange a marriage. The handmaids are initially shocked - did she not hear the bit about the weird white hair? - but Rudabeh pulls rank and sends them to invite Zal over.

Five handmaids sneak into Zal's camp, and tell him that Rudabeh wants to meet him, and that he'll need a rope. That night, Zal sneaks up to the palace. Rudabeh waves from the battlements and looses her impossibly long hair for Zal to climb. Zal points out that he has a rope, as instructed, and uses that to climb the walls instead.

"Seriously. Your handmaids said, bring a rope, so a brought a rope."

Zal and Rudabeh spend an enticing evening together, and Zal proposes. He also points out that neither Manuchehr nor Sam are going to te very happy about this. Rudabeh acknowledges that her father will also not be best pleased. Nevertheless, vows of eternal love are exchanged.

An aside on the Persian priesthood
I adore the Persian priesthood. They navigate a complicated path between the eternal truths of the heavenly spheres and the ambitions and desires of their earthly kings.

"So, guys, what do the stars think of this plan?"
"They... they think it's a really stupid plan."
"Do they say what happens to soothsayers who don't agree with their king?"
"The stars say that you are wiser than we are and probably know what you're doing."

Back to Zal
Zal gives his priests a rousing speech on the importance of marriage and children, and asks them to consult the heavens about whether he should marry the great-granddaughter of an infamous demon-king. The priesthood replies that he is wiser than they are and probably knows what he's doing. Zal accepts this advice and writes to his father.

Sam also seeks the advice of his own priests, who spend some time consulting the heavens looking for an acceptable answer. To everyone's surprise, the heavens think it's a great idea. Zal and Rudabeh will prosper, and their son will be the mightiest hero the son has ever seen.

Sam gives his consent and heads off to tell Manuchehr.

Meanwhile, Rudabeh's mother, Sindokht, gets wind of Rudabeh's illicit love affair. There is a confrontation, and Rudabeh spills all.  Sindokht considers Zal a pretty decent son-in-law, so long as Manuchehr doesn't become angry and raze Kabol to the ground. She tells Mehrab that Zal has completely seduced Rudabeh. Mehrab goes into a rage, threatening to murder his daughter, but Sidokht points out that being allied to Sam isn't the worst thing in the world, assuming Manuchehr doesn't raze Kabol to the ground. Rudabeh begs her father to be allowed to marry Zal, but Mehrab refuses.

The news of the love affair arrives in Manuchehr's palace before Sam does. Manuchehr announces that Zahhak's house will not be allowed to join with Sam's, and that he will raise Kabol to the ground first. His priests offer up a preemptive "You are wiser than we are and probably know what you are doing."

When Sam arrives, Manuchehr asks him how the campaign to rid the world of Zahhak's offspring is going, and orders him to burn Kabol to the ground. Sam rides off with a resigned sigh.

When Zal hears about this, he heads heads humbly into the middle of Sam's camp. Zal asks Sam politely not to burn Kabol to the ground. He doesn't mess around, however: he plays the "you abandoned me as a child to be raised by a giant magical bird" card. Sam relents, and drafts a letter to Sam explaining that he doesn't want to burn Kabol to the ground and would rather his son marry Mehrab's daughter.

Mehrab, hearing of the approaching Persians, proposes to appease them by publicly murdering his wife and daughter. Sindokht proposes a better plan: she will go and beg mercy from Sam. This turns out to be a pretty decent plan, as Sam has already been convinced that he really wants her daughter to marry his son.

With no-one immediately threatening to burn Zabol to the ground, Zal is sent see Manuchehr with Sam's letter. Meanwhile, Manuchehr has decided to actually consult his priesthood, and they've given him the same prophecy as Sam got.

"Wait - you said that I was wiser than you are and probably know what I'm doing. That's what you say when it's a really stupid plan."
"The stars have no comment on that matter."

Instead, Manuchehr has Zal tested. The court sages pose some riddles and brain teasers. Zal, the most learned man in Persia, passes easily. The court warriors line up to challenge him. Zal defeats all comers. Manuchehr says that he will allow Zal to marry Rudebah and calls off the razing of Zabol.

Zal returns to Sam and calls off the army. Mehrab is so relieved that Zabol is not to be burned to the ground that he happily consents to his daughter's marriage. Zal and Rudebah are wed, and everyone is happy.

Rudebah is soon with child, but when the time comes to give birth she is struck by a terrible illness and begins to wither away. Zal is anxious until he remembers the Simorgh's gift. He burns a portion of a feather and the bird arrives. The Simorgh prescribes a detailed and technical medical regime involving a sorcerer, a glittering knife, a magic healing salve, and the feather. The surgery goes well and Rostam, greatest of all Persian heroes, is born. Everybody is absolutely taken with him, especially his grandfathers. Mehrab says that he and the boy will restore Zahhak's line to greatness, and everyone has a good laugh.

Interlude
Things change in Persia. Manuchehr dies and is succeeded by his son Nozar. The neighbouring nation of Turan, led by King Pashang, invades Persia. Nozar is killed by the Turanian prince Afrasyab, who briefly takes the throne of Persia until defeated by Zal. Zal places Zav, probably the rightful heir, on the Persian throne. Afrasyab kills his own brother, Aghiras, making himself the heir to the throne of Turan. King Zav holds the Persian border for many years but isn't able to do anything about the Turanians on his border, and when he dies, Afrasyab leads another attack...

Rostam's first battle
Zal is called upon to defend Persia, but he points out that he's getting pretty old and his son is actually a lot more awesome. However, no-one has a horse strong enough to carry him. Zal orders all of the horses in Zavolestan and Kabol to parade before Rostam. There comes by a foal as big as its mother. It doesn't have a brand, and Rostam asks whose he is. The herdsmen say that he's no-one's, because whenever someone tries to rope him, the mother attacks them viciously. Rostam tries to rope the young horse, and the mother attacks him viciously. However, he shouts at her and she runs away, terrified. Rostam asks how much the horse is, and a herdsman says that if he's going to defend Persia, that'll probably do, especially since no-one else can ride him.

The horse is named Rakhsh.

Zal and Rostam are now prepared to defend Persia, but don't actually have a king. Zal consults the priests, who tell him where to find Kay Qobad, a descendent of Feraydun. Kay Qobad leads the army into the field. Rostam rides straight for Afrasyab, and throws him to the ground. The Turanian forces break and are routed. Afrasyab tells his father that fighting Persia is actually really hard and has just got a lot harder, and Pashang sues for peace.

Next: Rostam, Kay Kavus and the Persian space program.

The Book of Kings I: Persian Prince Parade

The Myth: Tales of Ancient Persia! Kings! Princes! Heroes! Demons! Giant birds! Battles! Conquest! Divine kingly radiance! The grandest sweep of history!
The Book: Shahnameh, the Persian Book of Kings
The Author: Abolqasem Ferdowski, some time in the tenth century.
This text: a 2006 translation by Dick Davis.
Price: This one cost me $29.99 from Dymocks, and it was money well spent. Seems to be pricier on the internet, though.

So the Shahnameh is enormous fun. It covers the grand scope of the Persian empire, from its mythical beginnings to its fall to Arab conquest. The kings and heroes are magnificent characters, well drawn and vivid. There are champions of justice, dodgy viziers, kings foolish and wise, beautiful princesses, terrible demons, shifty wizards and treacherous siblings. It covers the whole world, including distant China, exotic India, and glamorous Rome, all ruled from Iran in the centre of the world.

The translation is a prose one and abridged, but it's mellifluous and engaging. This is such a beautiful book, with rough cut pages and lovely illustrations throughout.  

There are three main periods covered by the Shahnameh: the mythic era, where kings spoke thirty  languages and rode demons as horses; the heroic era, where the mighty, invincible Rostam defends Persia from every threat, including his own king's foolishness; and the historic era, from the reign of Sekander through to the fall of the Empire.

To start: the Mythic Kings.

Kayumars
The first man to ever become king of the world - and to glow with divine kingly radiance, the mark of the wise Persian king - is Kayumars, who rules from the mountains and teaches his people how to prepare food and how to make clothes out of leopard skins.

Kayumar's son, Siamak, is killed by the Black Demon, son of the Arch-demon Ahriman. Kayumars joins forces with his grandson Hushang on a mission of vengeance, with an army of fairies, leopards, wolves, tigers, birds, and domestic animals. Hushang defeats the Black Demon, and Kayumars fades from the world, leaving Hushang king.

Hushang
Hushang's reign is marked by the discovery of fire (he throws a piece of flint at a dragon, and it sparks as it bounces off) and, shortly afterwards, blacksmithing. He also invents irrigation and agriculture, and separates the beasts into domestic animals for farming and wild animals for hunting.

Hushang is a tireless, industrious king, but he eventually leaves the world.

Tahmures, the Binder of Demons
Hushang's son is Tahmures, known as the Binder of Demons. Tahmures teaches people how to shear sheep and weave wool, and how to train cheetahs for hunting, and how to breed chickens and hawks.

Tahmures is kept on the straight and narrow by his vizier, Shahrasb, who provides wise and careful advice. Because of this, Tahmures is purified of all evil and is able to bind Ahriman with spells, and ride him as a mount to tour the world. This makes all the other demons nervous, and they plot to overthrow him. They gather in a large army, led by the black demon - possibly the Black Demon, last seen being bifurcated by Hushang. Tahmures gets wind of this and is able to ambush them. He single-handedly defeats the entire army, subduing two-thirds with spells and a third with his huge mace. The demons beg for mercy, offering all their secrets. They teach him how to write - in thirty scripts - and he becomes suffused with knowledge, glowing like the sun.

He passes on this knowledge, and eventually leaves the world.

Jamshid
Tahmures is mourned greatly, but his son Jamshid has learned well and is a just and wise king. Jamshid spends fifty years inventing ways to make weapons and armour, and teaching his warriors. Then he spends another fifty developing the textile trade - spinning and weaving, dyeing and sewing. After that, another fifty years arranging his society, separating out the priests and the warriors and the farmers and the tradesmen, and teaching them their roles. Then he orders demons to build him public baths and a castle, and then spends another fifty years developing mining and gemcraft, perfumery, medicine and shipbuilding, revealing his secrets to his people as he goes.

In the end, Jamshid rules for three hundred glorious years, with no death or evil, and with everyone having their own personal demon-slave. But in the end he grows vain and arrogant, and loses his divine kingly radiance.

Zahhak the Demon King
While this is going on, the king of the Arabs, Merdas, has just sired a son, Zahhak. Merdas is pretty just and honest as Arabs go - he's no Persian, but he's not a bad guy. Zahhak, on the other hand, is ambitious and evil. The demon Eblis persuades him to murder his father and take his throne.

In secret, Eblis signs on as Zahhak's cook. Kuyamars taught people how to eat, but eating meat is not really a thing yet, so the menu of chicken and lamb kebabs, and veal cooked with saffron, rosewater, wine and musk, is pretty damn impressive. Zahhak offers him anything his heart desires. Eblis says he really just wants to nuzzle Zahhak's kingly shoulders.

Sure, says Zahhak, that's not at all weird.

Where Eblis's icky secretions touch each of Zahhak's shoulders, a snake erupts, and then Eblis vanishes. Zahhak spends a couple of years tormented by poisonous snakes biting him from his shoulders. Then Eblis turns up disguised as a wise man and convinces Zahhak that to pacify the snakes he needs to feed them a human brain every day. This seems to work regarding the snakes, but is less than effective in not ushering in a thousand year reign of terror.

Jamshid has lost his heavenly mandate at this stage and no longer glows with divine kingly radiance. Zahhak defeats him and moves in. He takes Jamshid's two sisters as concubines and advisors, and the aforementioned millennial reign begins.

Nine-hundred and some years later, Zahhak starts getting dreams of Feraydun the Persian, who is going to end his reign. The wise men of the court are extremely reluctant to tell their demon king that his time is up, but in the end they point out that everyone's reign ends someday, and that Feraydun - when he's born - will be motivated by the death of his father at Zahhak's hands, and also the death of the magical cow that raised him.

So Zahhak tries really hard not to kill any descendants of Persian kings and/or magic cows, and fails on both counts. The prophecy is fulfilled. Feraydun raises an army in India and invades while Zahhak is out of the palace. He takes the demon king's concubines as his queens, because they are thousand-year-old sorceresses and also beautiful and also he may not actually know they're his great-great-great-etc. aunts.

Zahhak's people turn against him and his army is defeated. Finally, he sneaks alone into the palace to murder his treacherous concubines, but is captured and imprisoned. Feraydun intends to murder him, but is advised by the angel Sorush to show mercy. Zahhak is therefore bound in chains in a cave for all eternity, with nails piercing his vital organs and his blood spilling on the floor.

Feraydun
Feraydun rules for five hundred years, guided by his ageless sorceress aunt/wives, 'and not a day was given over to evil.' He is well loved by his people, and not just because he isn't feeding their brains to his shoulders. His reign is mostly defined by his relationship with his three sons, Salm, Tur and Iraj. After observing his boys, he puts Salm in charge of the Western parts of the world, Tur in charge of China and the land of the Turks, and Iraj, the youngest, in charge of Iran, which is the important bit in the middle. Salm and Tur resent this. They murder Iraj and send his head to his father as a way of demonstrating how put out they are.

Iraj left his wife pregnant, and she gives birth to a daughter. Feraydun takes back the throne and raises Iraj's daughter, and then her son, who is called Manuchehr. (The daughter is not named, but the poet notes that she resembles her father closely.)

Salm and Tur hear of the birth of Manuchehr and are worried that he might take vengeance for the murder of his grandfather. They send an envoy to Feraydun laden with gifts, and offer to swear fealty to the boy. Feraydun suspects a ruse, and scornfully refuses. He tells the envoy that they are entirely correct: Manuchehr will indeed be coming in force to exact vengeance. The two evil brothers gather the entire forces of China and the West, and march on Persia in the hopes of getting in first. Manuchehr's forces smash through Tur's army and kill him, then after a series of battles Salm is also cornered and killed.

Feraydun places Manuchehr on the throne of Persia, and leaves the world.

Manuchehr rules well and wisely, but what's more interesting is what happens to the son of his vassal, Sam.

Next: The coming of Rostam.

The Voyage of the Argo II: ...and Back Again

The Myth: The Argo! Jason! Heracles! Heroes! Gods! Goddesses! Monsters! Sorceresses! Dragons! Rocks! Sea travel! Countless screaming Argonauts!
The Book: The Argonautica
The Author: Apollonius of Rhodes (some time in the 3rd century BCE)
This text: An etext of an 1912 prose translation by R. C. Seaton, R. C. My version is the Charles Rivers Editors version.
Price: This one cost me 81 cents from Amazon, but there are free versions available.

(Previously...)

Book III: Still There.
The Argonauts arrive in Colchis, completely unobserved - except by the goddesses Hera and Athena. Hera asks Athena what her plan is.

Athena, goddess of wisdom, says, "Dunno. I thought we'd wing it."

Hera scoffs and says that she has a plan: romance. They head back to Olympus to enlist Cypris, goddess of love and sarcasm - or, more particularly, her son.

"Hera. Athena. To what do I owe this overwhelming pleasure? I am so rarely visited by such powerful goddesses."
"Cut the crap, Cypris, we need your kid."
"It would be my greatest honour to humbly serve the great Queen of the Gods."
"I said cut the crap. Go get Eros."

Cypris has some difficulty with this, because Eros is a little shit-

"That's because you're a crap mother."
"Fuck off, Hera. My real mum is way prettier than you."

-and needs to be bribed with a shiny thing. Cypris finds him cheating at dice with Ganymedes, and produces the shiniest thing there is: a golden sparkly ball that Zeus played with as a child. Eros accepts this commission, and heads off to Colchis to shoot Aeetes' daughter, Medea.

Meanwhile, Jason explains his plan to the Argonauts:

"I'll go into the city and ask Aeetes if he'll give the fleece to me."
"That's brilliant! But what if it doesn't work?"
"We'll wing it."

So Jason heads off to the city with his cousins, the sons of Phrixus. Here he meets his cousins' mother, Chalciope, and her much younger sister, Medea. Medea doesn't normally spend a lot of time in the city, preferring to do dark magic at the Temple of Hecate. However, she's here in time to be shot by Eros, and to fall utterly in love with Jason. Aeetes hears the commotion and asks what's going on, and why his grandsons have come back so early. Other Argus explains that their ship sank, and they were rescued by their Greek cousin on their father's side, who has an awesome ship.

Aeetes assumes that a shipful of heavily armed godlings can only be after his throne. He sets Jason a test: he's to harness the two fire-breathing bulls of bronze, use them to plough the field of Ares, sow the field with dragon's teeth, and kill all the armed men that grow from them. Aeetes does this all the time, and he won't give the fleece to someone who won't.

This all sounds a bit too hard and complicated for Jason, so he goes off for a sulk. He explains the trial to the Argonauts, and sighs and says that it's impossible. The typical Argonaut response to this is, "Pfff. No it's not. I'll do it."

Other Argus chimes in at this point and says that, no, actually, Jason has to do this himself. He goes on to explain that he has a brilliant and not at all totally wussy plan: he'll ask his Aunt Medea to use magic to cheat. This plan is met with general Argonaut approval, with one or two dissenters.

It turns out that Chalciope is way ahead of him, on the grounds that if anything happens to Jason her sons will probably be the next to face Aeetes' wrath. She heads to Medea's chambers herself.

Medea is a bit of a mess at this point: she's having terrifying/exciting dreams about being dragged away from Colchis by Jason, which he can't do if he's dead. Although, since she's a terrifying black sorceress, it's more that he can't do it as easily if he's dead. But Medea is completely lovelorn and is not thinking clearly. She comes upon Chalciope and Other Argus arguing about the best way to win her over. She asks them what's up and they tell her: we need some black magic to save Jason.

Ok, says Medea. Go away now.

"That was easier than I expected."

Medea, despite being unwilling to betray her father, spends the night conjuring dark sorceries and preparing a magic ointment for Jason, and heads off to the Temple of Hecate to finish off the ritual. She sends her handmaidens to secretly send Jason there, but she needn't have bothered since her nephews are spying on her, and also Hera's crows have a message for Mopsus, Jason's seer.

Jason and Medea meet for the first time in the doom-shrouded Temple of Hecate. Medea gives him the ointment and a spell for his weapons, and they flirt shamelessly until dawn. Medea asks what Iolcus is like, and Jason says that she'll love it.

Jason heads back to his comrades and enacts the rituals Medea has given him, making his weapons irresistable and his skin invulnerable.

Aeetes releases the bulls. Jason is able to resist their onslaught thanks to Medea's magic, and binds them to the yoke. He spends much of the day ploughing the field. He sows Aeetes' dragon's teeth and stops for a drink, then releases the bulls. The Earthborn men start sprouting, and Jason spends the late afternoon and early evening chopping them up.

Aeetes is not pleased.

Book IV: ...and Back Again.
Aeetes, far from honouring his bargain, aims to take vengeance on Jason, and also on his treacherous daughters, and also on his presumably treacherous grandsons. Medea, not unwisely, flees.

In the Temple of Hecate, she prays for guidance. Hecate's guidance is not comforting.

"Honestly, kid, you did a stupid thing for stupid reasons. Some other god was messing with you. Suck it up: the only way is forward."

She heads to the Argo, where she finds her nephews, and Jason. She pleas to be taken with them back to Hellas. Jason agrees, saying that he will marry her when they get home. She leads Jason to the temple where the golden fleece rests, and sings the dragon guarding it to sleep. They return to the ship with the sheep.

Aeetes learns of this and gives chase. Unfortunately, he gives chase in a chariot. That doesn't work very well, so he sends out his fleet instead. (To be fair, his horses are pretty awesome.)

Medea makes the ship stop so that she can offer a secret sacrifice to Hecate.  The poet once again says that he's not allowed to say what the sacrifice was, but says that the altar still stands today. This may no longer be the case, since "today" was more than two thousand years ago.

At a loss for a direction, Original Argus suggests that they head to Orchomenus, which was where Phineus the Seer told them they'd go. This suits Other Argus, because that's where he and his brothers were originally heading.

The Colchians, led by Aeetes son Apsyrtus, manage to outmaneuvre the Argo and corner them on an island. They let Jason know that he can keep the fleece - he did both win and successfully steal it - but Medea has to come back until her father says she can go. Jason considers this for exactly as long as it takes for Medea to find out about it. Jason is swayed by her tender feelings, and also her vicious curses and her threats to burn the ship to the waterline.

Jason points out that the only other option is to trick and kill her brother.

"Why the hell was that not Plan A?"
"Well, he's your-"
"Just get on with it. No, let me do it. You'll only screw it up."

Medea sends to Apsyrtus that she is willing to surrender herself, having, she says, been taken by force by the sons of Phrixus. She takes many of Jason's treasures to distract him. Apsyrtus, trusting his sister, goes alone to the rendezvous, and Jason leaps out and thwacks him, mortally.

At this point we learn that the Greeks had a ritual to atone for a treacherous murder, which is to cut off the extremities of the dead man, thrice lick up the blood and thrice spit it out.

The Argo sidles up to Apsyrtus' ship and the Greek heroes massacre the Colchians. The crew collects Jason and Medea, and they sail off. The Colchians, incensed at the murder of their commander, start to pursue, but Hera scares them off with a lightning show.

Zeus is similarly incensed, pronouncing the crew of the Argo cursed until they can be cleansed of their evil deeds. However, since no-one tells them, they blithely continue on their journey.

The curse doesn't actually last very long. After sailing around for a bit they come to the island of Circe, the sorceress sister of Aeetes. Circe recognises her niece, and notices Zeus' curse on Jason. She performs a cleansing ritual. Medea explains what's going on, leaving out the bit about getting her brother murdered.  Circe twigs anyway. She tells her niece that she's being a complete idiot, but frightening black sorceresses have to stick together and she's not going to kill her with death magic. She lets them go, with a parting shot that this is not to say that she approves, young lady.

By now Hera has realised that the Argo's current course will take them past the sea monster Charybdis and the rock Scylla, and so she organises a posse of gods to still the monster and steer the ship past the rock. Before the ship gets there they are serenaded by sirens, whose song is irresistable. The quick-thinking Orpheus pulls out his harp, and twangs loudly until the ship is safe. They lose only a single Argonaut: Butes, who leaps overboard but is saved by Cypris and taken away to a heavenly mountain.

Held by the sea goddess Thetis, the Argo is guided safely past Charybdis and past several gods, to arrive at the island Drepane, ruled by Alcinous and his wife Arete. Here they are met by a party of angry Colchians, who demand that Medea be handed over to them. Medea begs Arete not to let her go. Alcinous is keen to resolve the matter without bloodshed, and comes up with a solution: if Medea is still a virgin then she shall go back to her father, but if she's married she should go with her husband.

Alcinous then goes off to bed, and Arete sneaks out to tell Jason what the verdict will be. He tells the Argonauts, who arrange an impromptu wedding ceremony.

Next morning, Alcinous passes his sentence. Good thing we just got married, says Jason. The Colchians weigh up the prospect of returning to Aeetes without Medea, and decide to stay with Alcinous.

The Argo once again sets sail, and is promptly caught in a storm that blows them off course for nine days, to the coast of Libya. They find themselves caught in a flood tide and beached on a barren shore. They leave the ship and wander off along the beach. Eventually, they collapse into an exhausted sleep.

Jason is wakened at noon the next day by a party of nymphs, who take pity on him and on Medea. By means of a cryptic prophecy, the nymphs advise the Argonauts to carry the ship across land until they find the Tritonian Lake. Here they find a mostly dead serpent and some apple trees with no fruit. The local spirits tell them that some lout has come through and killed the guardian and stolen the golden apples. The Argonauts recognise Heracles from the description, but he is no longer around.

Two more Argonauts are lost in Libya: Canthus is killed by a shepherd defending his flock (the Argonauts kill the shepherd and take the sheep) and Mopsus is bitten by a poisonous snake.

The Argo sets sail on the lake, but they soon realise that this doesn't help them. They pray to the gods, and Triton turns up. He gives them a lump of dirt and shows them how to get back to the Mediterranean through the lake's marshy entrance.

Nearly home, the Argo sails by Crete, which is guarded by Talos, the man of bronze, so that the ship can't approach.  Leave this to me, says Medea, and zots him with death magic from the open sea.

"...you can do that?"
"Yes."

In the last stretch the clod of earth that Triton presented turns out to be his daughter, who seduces Euphemus and then becomes an island.

And then the story ends abruptly: "No more adventures, you're home!" 

I'll just assume that Jason and Medea lived happily ever after...

--

I feel like I haven't done Medea a lot of justice in this summary. She's an incredibly vivid character - a precise, mathematical split between lovelorn teenager and terrifying dark sorceress. There are long passages sumptuously describing her magic rituals, and long passages detailing her lovesick torment. As she and Jason flee Colchis, she reminisces about the place where she used to gather corpse parts for her spells. But it's only when Jason is thinking of handing her back to her brother that he realises just how terrifying she can be...

The Voyage of the Argo I: There...

The Myth: The Argo! Jason! Heracles! Heroes! Gods! Goddesses! Monsters! Sorceresses! Dragons! Rocks! Sea travel! Countless screaming Argonauts!
The Book: The Argonautica
The Author: Apollonius of Rhodes (some time in the 3rd century BCE)
This text: An etext of an 1912 prose translation by R. C. Seaton, R. C. My version is the Charles Rivers Editors version.
Price: This one cost me 81 cents from Amazon, but there are free versions available.

I knew when I started this project I would end up in Greece at some point.

Book I: From Here to Halfway There
King Pelias has heard a prophecy: that he will be killed by a man with one sandal. Shortly afterwards, Jason loses his shoe in the mud while crossing a river. Pelias deals with this by sending Jason on a suicide mission to the other side of the world.

In a mighty warship, the Argo...

...made by Argus, a - no, the - master shipwright...

...guided by Athena, goddess of wisdom...

...blessed by Hera, queen of the gods...

...crewed by several dozen of the Mediterranean's greatest heroes and demigods...

...including Heracles, taking time off from his labours.

'Now that I think about it, this plan may have some flaws.'
'At least they don't have Theseus, sire.'
'Yeah. It would be much easier if they had Theseus.'
'...marginally easier, sire.'

The mission is to recover the golden fleece from Colchis, ruled by King Aeetes. Easy.

The ship's first stop is Lemnos, where they are greeted by Queen Hypsipyle, who offers them the hospitality of the island. The crew is shown an awful lot of hospitality, as they're the first men the women of the island have seen in some time. This is because the women killed all of the Lemnian menfolk themselves. Jason enjoys the Queen's hospitality personally while Heracles waits on the ship, grumbling about the loose morals of adventurers these days.

Hypsipyle, conscious that the younger women on the island are getting rather restless, and that there's not a lot of little Lemnians any more, invites the crew of the Argo to settle. Jason hedges - last night was fun, but there's this quest thing, no guarantee we're coming back, let's not make this into a big thing, there's family in Iolcus...

Hypsipyle and her elders sigh.

    'I'm starting to remember why we killed our menfolk.' 

Still, the crew hangs around for a while longer, until Heracles' grumbling gets too much for them and they head off. Jason asks Hypsipyle to send any chance offspring to Iolcus to be his heir, and offers a fond farewell.

    'Wait, you did what to your menfolk?'

The Argo stops next at the island of Electra, daughter of Atlas, for some secret sailor rites. However these rites are too secret for the poet to actually relate, and before long they find themselves at the island known as the Mount of Bears. Here there is a small city-state ruled by Cyzicus, which is beset all sides by six-armed giants called the Earthborn.

Cyzicus has received a prophecy: if a ship full of heavily armed godlings turns up, don't piss them off or you will die.

Cyzicus is very friendly to the ship full of heavily armed godlings.

Jason and crew are treated to a lovely time in the palace, trading life stories and suchlike, while Heracles and some of the junior heroes fight off an invasion of Earthborn. Eventually, the two parties finish what they're doing, meet up and sail off.

Into a massive storm.

The Argo is buffeted and turned around, and eventually makes landfall somewhere dark. This is Cyzicus' kingdom again, but they don't know it. Cyzicus, no longer on the lookout for a ship full of heavily armed godlings, mistakes them for invaders and attacks.

It doesn't go well for Cyzicus. Or his people. Or his kingdom.

The embarrassed Argonauts find themselves trapped in the kingdom they've just destroyed, on account of many days of storms. A local shepherd has a prophetic dream, and Jason is able to beseech the right gods and the Argo is off again.

The Argonauts then get into a bit of a chest-beating competition about who can row the hardest. Heracles wins for a long while, but then his oar breaks. When they next make landfall, Heracles goes off into the forest to find a new one, which he does by uprooting trees. While he's doing this, his sidekick Hylas is kidnapped by nymphs and trapped in a spring. The hero Polyphemus hears his - presumably - anguished cries, and tells Heracles. Heracles heads off in pursuit, shouting loudly.

Meanwhile, the pilot Tiphys notices a change in the wind, and urges everyone aboard. The ship flies off across the waves - until someone notices that Heracles, Polyphemus and Hylas are not aboard. There is strife among the crew, with Jason sulking and Telamon threatening to throw Tiphys overboard, until the sea god Glaucus puts his giant arm over the side of the boat and explains that Heracles is needed in another myth cycle and Polyphemus has to found a city.

Telamon apologises to Jason and Tiphys, and the Argonauts shrug and sail on.

Book II: There
The Argo lands in the lands of Amycus, king of the Bebrycians. Amycus demands that their bravest warrior meet him in a fist fight. Polydeuces volunteers for the Argo. Polydeuces wins, a little too vigorously: he breaks Amycus' skull and kills him. The Bebrycians attack the Argonauts in fury, but are driven off. The Argonauts complain that if Heracles had have been here, Amycus wouldn't have been stupid enough to do the fist fight thing in the first place.

At their next stop, the Argonauts meet Phineus. Phineus has a problem: he was granted the gift of prophecy, and told people what he actually saw rather than what Zeus wanted them to know. Because of this, Zeus has blinded him and made sure he is plagued with harpies, who steal his food and shit on what's left.

'You guys want to stay for dinner?'
'...not really.'

However, because of his unerring gift of prophecy, Phineus knows that the arrival of a ship full of heavily armed godlings will mean that he gets to eat properly again, so he's come down to meet them. He explains the thing with the harpies, and asks politely for help. Two Argonauts - brothers Zetes and Calais - ask if they'll get in trouble for messing with this perfectly lawful cursing. Phineus swears by his gift that they won't.

Phineus sits down to eat and the harpies attack. Zetes and Calais hold them off long enough for him to enjoy his meal. However, it turns out that harpies are right buggers to actually kill, and they don't manage it. The goddess Iris turns up and explains that hurting the harpies is against Olympian environmental regulations, but calls off the harpies and says that this harpy harassment won't happen again.

The rest of the crew clean Phineus up, and he explains how to get through the clashing Cyanean rocks. He explains that he can't tell them everything - that was the sort of thing that got him in trouble with Zeus - but gives them pretty good directions to Colchis and tells them to stop at a certain temple of Ares for 'unspeakable help'. Phineus then settles himself back in as local prophet, and sends them on their way.

Following Phineus' advice, and with a bit of help from Athena, the Argo sails through the Cyanean rocks without being completely crushed, and continues its journey.

Next they are met by Lycus, king of the Mariandyni, who are the hereditary enemies of the Bebrycians and are therefore very pleased to meet Polydeuces. In Lycus' land they lose two Argonauts in quick succession: the prophet Idmon, to a boar, and the pilot Tiphys, to illness.

'Yeah. Saw that coming.'

The heroes are a bit lost - adrift, even - until Ancaeus volunteers for ship-steering duty. Under Ancaeus' hand they sail past wondrous and mystic and historic and terrifying lands, until they come to the island of Ares. Here they devise a bronze rattle to scare off the sharp and stabby birds - just like Heracles did, and presumably told them about - and go ashore.

Here they meet the 'unspeakable help' that Phineus promised: the four sons of Phrixus, lately of Colchis. These are kinsmen of Jason's, sharing a great-grandfather. They introduce themselves as Cytissorus, Phrontis, Melas and Argus (hereafter, Other Argus). They were sailing out, they say, to take hold of the land of Athamas, but were shipwrecked. Jason invites them aboard the Argo - there are some crew vacancies - and explains the mission. The brothers are a little horrified, and explain that Aeetes isn't just going to give up the golden fleece. Other Argus explains that there's also a dragon.

The Argo continues on its voyage - past the mountain where Prometheus is bound and screaming - and Other Argus guides them to Colchis. Here, they stash the ship in a secluded backwater, and withdraw to plan their next move...

Next: Back again.

Romancin' Roland III: The Battle for France

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Innamorato
The Author: Matteo Maria Boiardo (1494).
This text: An etext of an 1823 prose translation by William Stewart Rose. This edition is from the University of Adelaide - Project Gutenberg has the same text, but the formatting is better here.  It's worth noting that much the same material is covered in Thomas Bulfinch's Age of Chivalry. 
Price: Nothin'.

So where were we?

Right: Angelica has sent Orlando off to destroy the garden of the enchantress Falerina.

The Strange Case of the Damsel of the Hair
The first people Orlando meets on his new quest are Uldano, who is standing guard over a woman tied to a tree by her hair, and Origilla, a woman tied to a tree by her hair. Uldano explains: He used to be in love with Origilla, as did a lad named Lucrino. Origilla persuaded Uldano to disguise himself as Oringo, who had killed her brother, Corbino. Then she persuaded Lucrino to try to kill Oringo, who had killed her brother, Corbino. Meanwhile, her father had offered her hand to Ariantes, on the condition that he kill Oringo, who had killed her brother, Corbino. Ariantes attacked Uldano, thinking he was Oringo, and Lucrino attacked Oringo, thinking he was Uldano disguised as Oringo. Everyone was badly wounded, but Lucrino made it to Origilla's father, who thought that he was Ariantes, and promised him Origilla. Everyone was very upset. The King sentenced everyone to death: Oringo killing Orbino, Ariantes for agreeing to kill Oringo, Uldano and Lucrino for pretending to be other people, and Origilla on general principles.

Origilla was to be hung by her hair until she was dead, and the knights were to guard her until she died. It is now Uldano's watch, and he points to the arms of eight knights he's already prevented from rescuing her.

Origilla says, 'Nah, it's all bullshit,' which is enough for our lad and he attacks Uldano, and wins. Origilla points him to a nearby stairway, tells him he can see Heaven and Hell from the top of it, and then nicks his horse when he goes to look.

Orlando swears, and heads off on foot.

Meanwhile, elsewhere...
Agramant in Africa is plotting the invasion of France. His advisor Sobrino tells him it's a bust, unless he gets hold of his cousin, Rogero, currently held prisoner by the sorceror Atlantes.

Outside Albracca, Rinaldo abandons Marphisa's siege to pursue Orlando, taking Astolpho, Iroldo and Prasildo with him. They promptly find a brute who is menacing women. The brute throws Iroldo and Prasildo into a river. He tries the same with Rinaldo, but it doesn't quite work and they both fall in, leaving Astolpho on Bayardo with two distressed maidens.

Inside Albracca, Brandimart decides to head off after Orlando, as do his friends Gryphon and Aquilant. These last two meet Origilla who tells them Orlando is dead, then both knights and the damsel of them are kidnapped by forces unknown and taken off for execution.

Just as she's noting that she's defeated almost all of Angelica's defenders, Marphisa is attacked by Sacripant, king of Circassia, but the battle is interupted by news that Circassia has been invaded by Mandricardo, son of the late Agrican.

Rodomont, one of Agramant's vassals, decides to invade France even if no-one else is doing it.

Agramant is assured that Rogero can be rescued only if someone has a ring of magic resistance and also invisibility, like Angelica's. The dwarf Brunello is dispatched to acquire said ring.

The Sword and the Sorceress
The plot threads come together again as Orlando rescues Gryphon, Aquilant and Origilla from captivity. Orlando finds Origilla strangely beguiling, especially for a woman who nicked his horse, but so does Gryphon, so Orlando sends the others away so he can get some wooing in. However, he is interrupted by yet another damsel, who tells Orlando that he is near the garden he's been sent to destroy, and must remain chaste for three days unless he wants to be eaten by a dragon. She knows this because she's read about it in a book she happens to have on her. Even better: Falerina is currently in the garden making a magic sword that will cut through anything. The damsel hands over the book and heads off. Orlando goes to sleep, anticipating adventures on the morrow, and Origilla
pinches his sword and his horse and pisses off.

Next morning, Orlando swears some more and grabs a tree branch to serve as a weapon. He takes out quite a bit of his anger on the dragon guarding the garden's gate, and finds himself trapped in said magic garden as the gate disappears behind him. He finds Falerina just as she's finishing the sword, and takes it off her. He demands she tell him how to (a) escape and (b) destroy the garden, but she refuses, and he ties her to a tree. Then he remembers he has a magic book, and follows its instructions leading him to: fill his ears with roses, kill a siren, cover himself in her blood, remove the roses from his ears, kill a magic bull with horns of iron and fire, follow a river, get shat on by a harpy, kill a harpy, kill a magic ass, kill a faun, kill a giant, kill two more giants that erupt from the flaming blood of the first giant, and consult the god-damn book again.

This tells him that to actually destroy the garden he needs the branch off a certain tree. He heads back past Falerina and finds the tree, which he chops down. The garden disappears, and all that is left is Falerina tied to a tree. Falerina complains that she only ever built magic gardens to annoy Ariantes and Origilla, and anyway one of them was destroyed by a shifty princess, and anyway there's an enchanted bridge left that is full of prisoners who'll die if she does. Take me there and we'll do some rescuing, says Orlando.

A Short-Statured Burglar Steals a Magic Ring
 Meanwhile, Brunello arrives at Albracca and steals Marphisa's sword, Sacripant's horse and Angelica's ring, and shoots off back to Africa. Angelica is just starting to freak out when an army of Turks arrives. She decides to contact her cousin Gradasso, last seen invading Europe, and sends Sacripant with the message.

Back in France...
 ...the treacherous knight Ganelon invites Marsilius, king of Spain, into France, just as Rodomont is invading. Dun dun dun...!

The Bridges of Cathay and India
On their way to Falerina's bridge, Orlando and Falerina arrive at the bridge that Rinaldo fell off. Turns out this was left here by Morgana, who gave some guy invincible strength and invulnerable armour and the ability to breath indefinitely under water for the express purpose of harassing knights. Falerina explains that the modus operandi here is to throw knights into the lake, or, failing that, to grapple them and jump into the lake, and then display their arms as a trophy.

At this point, Orlando spots Rinaldo's arms. Now, Orlando and Rinaldo have been fighting quite a bit, but they are friends and kinsmen. Orlando is a little bit upset and charges into battle. The brute grabs Orlando and jumps into the lake.

The lake is not quite as Orlando expected: instead of a cold and suffocating watery embrace, he finds himself in a wide field in a mystic otherworld. He also has a serious magic sword, which no-one else has had before. Orlando kills Morgana's invincible brute, and wanders off through a surreal and allegorical landscape.

Eventually he finds Morgana, who has Rinaldo and the others imprisoned in a crystal. He captures Morgana by the forelock and demands their release; Morgana requests only that they leave her favourite, a youth named Ziliantes, son of King Monodontes. Orlando shrugs and agrees. The rest of the knights are disgorged. One of them, Dudon, explains to Orlando and Rinaldo that he has been sent by Charlemagne to ask them very nicely to stop fucking around in India and to go home and defend Christendom. They agree to do so.

Except for Orlando and Brandimart, who head back towards Angelica.

The westward-bound party travels for some days until they come across an enchanted ferry, which they take. On the other side they are accosted by an old man, who tells them they trespass upon the territory of King Monodontes, and will not be allowed to depart unless they perform a service, to whit: killing an enemy of the king's. This is Balisardo, a giant and an enchanter. The knights agree on general principles. But it turns out that giants that use magic are much trickier than giants who don't use magic, and they are each defeated and imprisoned.

The dungeons are already chock full of knights - including Astolpho, who sadly tells them that Rinaldo is dead. Rinaldo points out that he is not, which Astolpho finds comforting.

Heading back to Albracca, Orlando and Brandimart meet Brunello - who steals Orlando's horn and sword - and Marphisa - who continues to pursue Brunello. Unable to join in since they don't have horses, they continue on their way until they come across a magic ferry, which they take. Aboard the ferry, they meet again Origilla, who has Orlando's sword and horse. Orlando once again falls in love with her.

On the other side Orlando - possibly weakened in the allegoricals by inappropriate lust - is defeated by Balisardo and put in a prison ship bound for the dungeons, but Brandimart is able to defeat the giant-wizard and rescue him. They learn from the that Monodontes, although terribly terribly rich, is terribly terribly sad: his two sons were taken at a young age, one by a slave named Bardino, the other by a fairy named Morgana. It turns out that Balisardo was in league with Monodontes: Morgana has offered to surrender her prisoner in exchange for one Orlando, who has messed with her.

This Orlando sounds like a bit of a menace, says Orlando. Take us to Monodontes that we may pledge to deliver up this varlet. Origilla, however, is minded to save Gryphon, and secretly tells Monodontes that Orlando is currently on the island. Gryphon insists that Aquilant also be released, and they depart. Orlando and Brandimart are drugged and imprisoned.

Orlando takes the opportunity of imprisonment to convert Brandimart to Christianity. When Monodontes comes down into the dungeon, Brandimart pretends to be Orlando. The king explains that he's only handing 'Orlando' over to Morgana to get his son back. Brandimart proposes that, if that's all he wants, he could send his companion to rescue the kid. And if that doesn't work he can always send 'Orlando' over to the fairy as per the original plan.

The king agrees, and the real Orlando sets off to rescue Ziliantes. Then Astolpho says, 'Oh, hey, Brandimart!' and Brandimart is thrown back into the dungeon.

Orlando heads back to Morgana's bridge, to find the fairy cradling a dead dragon. Also, a bit randomly, Flordelis, with a sergeant. Morgana explains that she turned Ziliantes into a dragon to take the place of her brute, only the magic went wonky and he died. She takes the dead dragon into the lake in the hope that she might be able to resurrect him in the otherworld. Flordelis explains that she was looking for Brandimart, and found this guy: Bardino. Bardino admits that he kidnapped the son of King Monodontes for unspecified reasons and sold him to the Lord of the Sylvan Tower. Said Lord raised Brandimart as his own child, and made Bardino his castellan.  While the Lord was out hunting, the castle came under attack by a knight called Rupardo, so Bardino casts lots to lead him to Brandimart. The lots told him that he was held captive by Morgana.

Old news, says Orlando, Brandimart is being held captive by Monodontes and I need to rescue Ziliantes to get him released, which could be complicated now that Ziliantes is (a) a dragon and (b) dead. But Flordelis eggs him on and Orlando descends into the lake and finds Morgana caressing the recently revived and absolutely terrified Ziliantes. Orlando again grabs her by the forelock and forces her to release her hold on her captive.

Orlando returns Ziliantes to Monodontes and explains everything. Monodonte is so happy he converts to Christianity on the spot, and forgives Bardino his reckless baby stealing. Everyone celebrates until Dudon glances meaningfully at his timepiece, and everyone sets off for Europe.

Except for Orlando and Brandimart, who head back towards Angelica.

Rinaldo's party arrives in Europe. Just over the border, the fairy Alcina - Morgana's sister - falls for Astolpho's irresistible beauty and seduces him onto a whale. Rinaldo joins forces with some armies that were heading in that direction, and confronts Rodomont. Rodomont and Rinaldo fight. The greater battle hangs in the balance: Dudon is captured, Rinaldo loses his horse, Charlemagne arrives with a relief force, and Rodomont flees.

Rodomont decides, however, that he wishes to continue the duel, and looks for Rinaldo in the Forest of Arden. Instead he finds Ferrau, who's been here since early in Book 1, and they start talking about ladies. It turns out that Rodomont is dating Ferrau's ex, and they start fighting over her.

Rinaldo, who wasn't actually in the Forest of Arden, arrives at the Forest of Arden, where a nymph makes him drink from the fountain of Love. This is exactly where he first met Angelica, and he is so filled with remorse for scorning her that he decides to head back to Albracca to apologise.

The Rogero Ruse
Brunello the dwarf escapes Marphisa - despite her abandoning her armour to travel faster, and probably because she wore out her horse - and presents Angelica's ring to Agramant, along with Orlando's horn. Agramant gives him a kingdom (Tingitana, should it become relevant) and lets him join the party of Saracens heading to Atlantes' mountain. Although the ring lets Agramant find the magically hidden mountain with a beautiful garden at the top, it doesn't let him climb it, and even Brunello's burglary skills are unable to effect an entrance. Agramant therefore sets up a tourney, which Rogero sees from the mountaintop and decides to join. Brunello offers him a horse (Sacripant's), a sword (Orlando's) and some armour (his own, somehow). Rogero is wounded treacherously, but Atlantes is able to heal him and he's able to kill the traitor. More importantly, he gets to hear all about the exciting invasion of France...

All Roads Lead to Paris
Orlando and Brandimart and Flordelis return to Albracca, passing Sacripant on the way. Sacripant is heading to seek aid from Gradasso, and is disguised as a pilgrim. Orlando explains what's been going on, and that everyone else has gone back to France. Angelica explains that with no defenders the defense has not been going all that well, and suggests that it might be best to return to France. Especially if Rinaldo's there.

'What was that last bit?'
'Nothing, dear!'

During the escape everyone is scattered, but Orlando quickly reunites with Angelica and Brandimart with Flordelis. A strange knight kidnaps Flordelis and demands Brandimart's armour and horse. This is Marphisa, who lost hers in chasing Brunello. Flordelis and Brandimart face robbers, and they flee into the forest. Happily, Brandimart finds a dead king in full armour, and takes his arms and armour. He leaves the crown, however. (This was Agrican, recently slain by Orlando. Well, fairly recently.)

Orlando and Angelica head back to France (via a tournament in Cyprus where they briefly encounter Gryphon, Aquilant and Origilla). They arrive in the Forest of Arden, and Angelica inadvertently drinks from the fountain of Hate. Then Rinaldo turns up and apologises to Angelica, who tells him to get knotted. This gets Rinaldo riled up, and he and Orlando fight.

Angelica, terrified of the combat, flees the forest, and finds herself in an armed encampment. Here she meets Charlemagne, and tells him what's going on. Charlemagne stomps into the forest, drags both of the knights back to the camp, places Angelica under guard, and tells Orlando and Rinaldo that he'll give her to the one of them that fights best against the damned Saracens, who they might remember are currently invading France!

Agramant, meanwhile, is trying to work out who killed one of his men and all signs point to Brunello. The dwarf is just about to be hanged when Rogero rides in and explains everything, and asks to join the army. Agramant is overjoyed, and forgives everyone, and sets off once more to France.

Meanwhile, Ferrau and Rodomont are interrupted in their duel by news that Marsilius is invading France from Spain. They agree to a gentlemanly truce and head off to join him. Along the way they come across Malagigi and his brother Vivian. Malagigi summons a horde of demons, but they're not enough and the two are captured. The Saracens join up with the Spanish forces, and are attacked by Charlemagne's army.

On their way back to France, Brandimart and Flordelis find themselves trapped in an enchanted castle.  A damsel tells Brandimart that they can escape if he opens a sepulchre and kisses what comes out of it. What comes out of it is a dragon, who turns out to be an enchanted fairy. In gratitude for the kiss and associated rescue, the fairy enchants Brandimart's arms and armour, and then asks them to take the damsel to Syria to be reunited with her father, the king. The damsel tells her story, which is long and complicated, and finishes with her commenting that she wishes she knew what had happened to her sister, who was kidnapped as a child and sold to the Lord of the Sylvan Tower. Wait, says Flordelis, I was kidnapped as a child and sold to the Lord of the Sylvan Tower, and my boyfriend is that Lord's son and also the son of a different king, it's complicated. With everyone is rescued and knowing who their real parents are, Brandimart and Flordelis are married, before setting off again to France.

However, they don't make it: they are shipwrecked, and wash up in Carthage. Brandimart conceals his newly Christian status and introduces himself to Agramant merely as the son of King Monodontes. They join Agramant's army as it sails to Spain and then marches to France, where it joins the battle that's already going on.

Orlando, it turns out, is there, but is hanging back until such time as Charlemagne needs rescuing in the most impressive way possible. He sees Rogero, and is about to attack when Atlantes - who has followed Rogero to make sure nothing bad happens to him - casts a spell and tricks him into jumping into a magic well.

Meanwhile, in Tartary, Agrican's son Mandricardo sets out to avenge his father. He is captured by a fairy, who tests him and eventually awards him with the armour of the Trojan hero Hector - but not his sword. This is because Hector's sword is Durindana, currently wielded by Orlando. The fairy enjoins Mandricardo to swear an oath: he will wear no sword but Orlando's. Mandricardo joins forces with Gradasso and the two have any number of adventures - monsters, giants, mystic dwarves, a half-goblin half-fairy armed with a crocodile - and criss-cross the paths of all the other knights, including Gryphon and Aquilant. Eventually, however, they make it to France, just as Charlemagne's army is falling apart.

In the aftermath of the battle, Rogero finds Rodomont fighting a knight called Bradamant. Rogero politely coughs and says that the battle is over and Charlemagne's army is in rout. Bradamant asks permission to depart the field, which Rodomont refuses. Rogero considers this discourteous, and takes up the fight on Bradamant's behalf. She leaves, but is unable to catch up with the fleeing forces and comes back to see if Rogero needs a hand. Just as she comes back, Rogero gives Rodomont such a blow to the head that he drops both his sword and his bridle, leaving Bradamant and Rogero with a chance to chat. Bradamant apologises for leaving Rogero to fight on her behalf, explaining that she felt she had a duty to her king. Rogero finds this entirely reasonable. Rodomont comes to his senses, but decides that he's had enough and ducks off into the forest.

Bradamant and Rogero chat for a bit, and Rogero tells her his story, starting with the fall of Troy and ending with him being raised by a sorcerer as his son. Bradamant tells her story: she's a French paladin and Rinaldo's sister.

Rogero and Bradamant are getting on really quite nicely when they are attacked by a Saracen scouting party and separated. Rogero starts to look for her but instead comes across Mandricardo and Gradasso. Mandricardo asks Rogero why he has a Trojan device on his shield, and Rogero asks Mandricardo what right he has to Hector's arms. Mandricardo tells the story, but when he gets to the bit about not wearing any other sword by Durindana, Gradasso perks up and says that he's questing for Durindana too - that's the whole reason he invaded France and started this war in the first place. Gradasso and Mandricardo start hitting each other with trees to settle the matter.

This goes on for some time until Brandimart and Flordelis - accidentally on the wrong side in this war - turn up. Brandimart tells everyone that if they want to fight Orlando for his sword, they'll need to rescue him from the magic well first. Mandricardo and Gradasso are all for it, and Rogero tags along. However, Brandimart decides that he has the wrong number of knights, and Mandricardo is sent back to camp.

Orlando, it turns out, has been imprisoned in the River of Laughter by nymphs. Rogero and Gradasso are also seduced in quick succession, but Flordelis provides Brandimart with some garlands of mystic roses, and he effects a rescue. Gradasso decides that now is as good a time as any to attack Orlando and grab his sword, but they are interrupted by a dwarf who needs help. Rogero and Gradasso go off with the dwarf, and Orlando, Brandimart and Flordelis head for Paris, now under siege.

Bradamant, meanwhile, finds a hermit who can tend her various wounds and, because one of them is a head wound, cut her hair. She wanders off through the wood, where she meets with a damsel who, thinking her a man, tries to seduce her.

At this point, the poet says he has to stop because France is invading and the 'horizon is bright with flames.' He promises to continue the story again if he can - but he won't, and it won't be taken up for another forty years, when Ariosto comes along. 

--

Holy shit, this stuff is awesome.

And there's a sequel...

Romancing Roland II: The Needlessly Complicated Siege of Albracca (and its Needlessly Complicated Aftermath)

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Innamorato
The Author: Matteo Maria Boiardo (1494).
This text: An etext of an 1823 prose translation by William Stewart Rose. This edition is from the University of Adelaide - Project Gutenberg has the same text, but the formatting is better here.  It's worth noting that much the same material is covered in Thomas Bulfinch's Age of Chivalry. 
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

III. The Needlessly Complicated Siege of Albracca
When last we left our heroine Angelica, her city was under siege by her ex-suitor Agrican, and things looked bleak indeed. With the loss of the English knight Astolpho, Albracca's morale is severely shaken.

But lo! On the horizon: a friendly army! It's Sacripant!

Sacripant finds Agrican's army a bit of challenge, not least since Agrican is now mounted on Rinaldo's magic horse Bayardo. The two leaders end up in single combat. Sacripant is wounded, but the combat breaks up and he flees into Albracca. His army breaks - Angelica orders the drawbridge lowered to recieve them. Agrican charges through the gates, and wreaks havoc in the town. Sacripant drags himself back into battle, and the portcullis is lowered. Agrican is eventually forced back to the gates.

Meanwhile, Rinaldo has left the ruins of the doom-castle Altaripa, and is wandering errantly. He meets a miserable damsel, who tells him that she's looking for a someone brave enough to take on nine knights, including Orlando. This is Flordelis, Brandimart's lady. Rinaldo says he's up for it.

They ride off, with Flordelis telling a long and intricate tale of chivalry set in Babylon, about a knight named Prasildo who is in love with the queen Tisbina who is married to Iroldo, which involves Prasildo going on a quest for Tisbina and being unexpectedly successful meaning that Tisbina has to marry Prasildo except that Prasildo respects Iroldo too much and everybody ends up poisoned and Prasildo rescues everybody and Iroldo says that maybe he should marry Tisbina and Tisbina says  that maybe that's not actually a bad idea and...

And then Rinaldo tells her to shut up because there's cave filled with griffons, a giant, and a particularly awesome horse. This is the magic steed Rabican, once the horse of Argalia, which has come home to its native cavern. Rinaldo fights with the giant and nearly kills him. The giant releases the griffons, and one of them grabs him by the leg to hit Rinaldo with. It's a close fight, but eventually Rinaldo triumphs. He finds a treasure chamber with a dead damsel in it; written in gold is a promise that the horse Rabican will go to whoever can avenge her death. There's also a book, which Rinaldo reads, that tells the whole terribly sordid story, and names his target as Truffaldino, a villain and a traitor.

Rinaldo and Flordelis are attacked by a centaur and separated; after the monster is killed, Rinaldo decides to keep going in the direction of the quest, with the vague aim of rescuing his cousin Orlando.

Back in Albracca, Agrican is fighting like a cornered rat. However, since he's fighting the defenders of Albracca - who aren't actually on the walls while doing so - his army is able to force the gates and enter the city. The city falls, but Angelica, Sacripant and the remaining kings - which, it turns out, include Truffaldino - are able to barricade themselves in the citadel. The citadel is impregnable, but poorly supplied, so Angelica proposes to seek relief. Nobody seems to object to the shifty princess deserting her city in its hour of need, possibly because she's the one with the magic ring that turns her invisible.

Away from the city Angelica meets an old man who spins her a sob story about having a sick son. Angelica, skilled in medicine as well as magic, offers her aid, and is a little surprised when the old man turns out to be lying, and is in fact on a mission to acquire damsels for the kingdom of Orgagna. Angelica is imprisoned in a tower full of said damsels. By coincidence, she meets Flordelis, who the centaur had thrown into a river and had been captured. Flordelis tells her story: how she was travelling with Rinaldo to rescue Orlando, Brandimart, and a bunch of other knights from their imprisonment in the magic garden of Dragontina.

This is the best thing Angelica has heard all day, so she turns herself invisible and heads for Dragontina's garden. She uses her ring to dispel all the magic, restores all the knights to sanity, and takes them all off to Albracca.

She does not mention Flordelis and the tower full of captive maidens to anyone, knowing that the last thing she needs is all her brand new set of knights to be all distracted and chivalrous.

It turns out that leaving Truffaldino in the citadel was a mistake, because he's thrown Sacripant and all the other kings into the dungeon with the plan of selling out to Agrican. He has misjudged, however, because Agrican really actually detests cowards and traitors, and reckons the citadel will run out of provisions pretty soon anyway. He is just gloating about how he's going to take the city, woo Angelica, and string Truffaldino up by the heels, when the lady herself turns up with a party of knights and crashes through his camp. Truffaldino refuses to open the gates unless everyone swears to save him from reprisals, especially from Agrican, and also to not kill him. Orlando initially refuses, but Angelica points out that they really are on the wrong side of the gates at the moment and maybe they should just agree to get back into the citadel.

Back inside the citadel, they immediately realise that things have not actually improved all that much, and Orlando takes a party of knights in quest of provisions. The nearest provisions are in Agrican's army, so he heads straight for that. Agrican orders his squadrons to stand aside so that he can duel Orlando personally. Things are just getting serious when there's an alarum: another relieving army!

This army has been raised by Angelica's dad Galaphron, and includes an unnamed giant and Marphisa, queen of India. Marphisa has vowed not to lay aside her armour until she has taken three kings prisoner: Charlemagne, Gradasso and Agrican. She is an ambitious lady.

Agrican apologises to Orlando and asks if they might take up the duel again after he has regained control of his army. Orlando agrees and chivalrously offers help if he needs it. Agrican graciously declines, and goes off to kill the giant. This messes up Galaphron's army, which would be recoverable except that Marphisa has pointedly gone off to take a nap, saying 'Wake me when Galaphron's dead and I'm in charge.'

Rinaldo is meanwhile wandering northwards, vaguely worried about what has happened to Flordelis and wondering where this magic fairy garden is. He meets a stranger weeping at a fountain, and asks him what's wrong. 'So I was married to this queen in Babylon...' says the stranger. It turns out this is Iroldo, who had been wandering aimlessly when he was captured by the enchantress Falentina, imprisoned in her magic garden, paired off with a maiden, and set up as a human sacrifice. Only it turns out that when Prasildo found out about it, he came to the rescue all noble-like, initially trying to buy Iroldo's freedom but eventually offering to take his place as the sacrifice, the show-off. Iroldo plans to interrupt the ceremony and, if at all possible, die trying to rescue Prasildo and thus proving who the most awesome knight is. Rinaldo offers a better plan: they will rescue Prasildo, and the maiden, and not die. Iroldo reluctantly agrees not to die.

Prasildo is rescued, as is the maiden - who turns out to be Flordelis. Rinaldo is keen to capitalise on this by destroying the enchanted garden, but Flordelis reminds him that he has other magic gardens to destroy. He concedes, and they all head off to the garden of Dragontina, which it turns out has already been destroyed by Angelica.

No worries: they come across a fugitive from Agrican's army who tells them that Angelica has a new champion who sounds a lot like Orlando, and then they meet a recently awoken Marphisa, who challenges them to a joust. A messenger comes up saying that Galaphron's vanguard has been pretty much demolished and they could really do with some backup about now. Piss off, says Marphisa, I'm jousting. Iroldo and Prasildo are knocked over in short order, but Marphisa and Rinaldo shatter their lances on each other and have to resort to swords and fists.

Elsewhere, Orlando has relieved Galaphron, and he and Agrican agree that the battle has evened out enough that they can continue their duel. They fight for the better part of the day, but Agrican starts to get annoyed at all the interruptions that come from dueling in the middle of a battlefield, and lures Orlando off into the forest. They continue fighting until it gets dark, and then agree that they should probably get a bit of shut-eye before continuing in the morning. Orlando asks Agrican if he's ever really thought about God, or otherwise considered converting, and Agrican says that knights should only talk about fightin' and lovin'. Talking about loving brings the conversation around to Angelica, which, given that they're both totally in love with her, brings the conversation back to to fighting, and then brings the fighting back to the conversation. They fight until dawn, and Orlando wins.

On his deathbed, Agrican agrees that there might be something in this God stuff, and asks Orlando to baptise him. Orlando does, then mounts Bayardo and heads back towards Albracca.

The tide of battle has turned, and Galaphron has penetrated Agrican's camp and released the prisoners, including Astolpho. Astolpho quickly finds his magic lance and rejoins the battle. He and Galaphron are mopping up the enemy when they come across Rinaldo and Marphisa. Rinaldo has a magic sword but has had most of his armour hacked off; Marphisa has magic armour but has had most of her sword hacked off. Galaphron does not recognise Rinaldo but recognises the horse Rabican, which used to belong to his son. He assumes - correctly, largely by coincidence - that this is Argalia's murderer, and charges.

Marphisa takes offence at the interruption to her duel and has at Galaphron. Similarly, when Brandimart tries to rescue Rinaldo from Marphisa, Rinaldo turns on him. Rinaldo and Marphisa turn back to back and take on all comers, which at this point are mostly their own allies. 

Marphisa and Rinaldo eventually put their allies to flight, and pursue them to the gates of Albracca. This is a city ruled by Angelica, who Rinaldo hates, defended by Truffaldino, who he has sworn vengeance on. Marphisa is still mad at Galaphron, who is still alive and still king. The two settle down in front of the gates, shouting challenges. Truffaldino reminds the knights in Albracca that they have sworn to defend him, and leads half a dozen down to take on Rinaldo.

At this point, of course, the original siege has pretty much been defeated.

IV. The Needlessly Complicated Aftermath of the Siege of Albracca
So Brandimart was technically fighting Rinaldo, but the moment he sees Flordelis he ducks out of the battle for some smooching. Unfortunately, Flordelis is kidnapped by a passing necromancer. Brandimart pursues, and catches up with a three giants who have a column of camels - one of which is carrying a damsel he believes is Flordelis. He assails them - the giants, not the camels - and dispatches one, but ultimately comes off second best. Happily, at this point Orlando toddles through, possibly still high on adrenaline from his single-combat all-nighter, and takes care of the other two. Brandimart is wounded, and asks Orlando if he wouldn't mind rescuing Flordelis for him.

It turns out that the damsel they have rescued is not actually Flordelis, although she is pretty good at binding wounds. Brandimart laments - in song - that life is hard for a poor orphan boy who is sold into slavery to the Lord of the Sylvan Tower who eventually warmed to him and gave him his title. He continues to lament that it sucks that his girlfriend has been kidnapped and that he wishes he was dead.

The damsel starts to tell her story - beautiful princess, Kingdom of the Distant Isles, lots of treasure, forced to marry an old man rather than her actual lover - but realises Brandimart isn't paying attention and offers to help the knights rescue Flordelis. They ride off.

(The sorcerer who kidnapped Flordelis has been eaten by a lion, but now she's been captured by a forest savage.)

On the way, Orlando asks the damsel to continue her story, which she does - imprisoned by her betrothed, escaped through a secret tunnel, married her lover, pretended to be her own twin, escaped, was recaptured, escaped again, captured by giants - until she notices that Brandimart has wandered off again. Brandimart has heard Flordelis' cries, and he rides to her rescue, killing the savage as it tries to uproot a tree to hit him with.

Orlando, looking for Brandimart, meets yet another damsel. This one tells him there's a particularly interesting quest in the offing, and gives him a book and a horn. The book tells him to blow the horn, harness the two indestructible monstrous bulls that appear, and use them and his magic sword to plough the field. This he does. Then he blows the horn again, and a dragon appears. The damsel of the Distant Isles figures she could probably bug out now and continue her own adventures away from all these monsters, but the damsel of the book tells her to hang around, since it's really only Orlando in danger. The damsel of the Distant Isles says, whatever.

Instructed by the book, Orlando chops of the dragon's head and sows its teeth in the field. He fights the myrmidons that grow out of them, as is necessary to prove his valour according to the quest in the book. 

Then he blows the horn a third time, which summons...

...a puppy.

'Ah,' he says. Then, 'What?'

The damsel of the book explains: the puppy can be used to track down Morgana, the fairy with dominion over wealth, and not only can he become incredibly wealthy, but if he gives her the puppy she'll fall in love with him.

'Stuff that,' says Orlando, and rides off with the damsel of the Distant Isles. Shortly afterwards, they meet a stranger knight who turns out to be the damsel's lover. Orlando hands over the damsel, expressing relief that her incessant chattering is now someone else's problem.

Back in Albracca, Rinaldo is winning and Truffaldino has retreated to the citadel. Astolpho realises that the knight he has been fighting at the gates is in fact his cousin Rinaldo, and switches sides. And Orlando arrives, and finds Rinaldo fighting Albracca's defenders, for reasons that are not entirely clear to him.

Orlando and Rinaldo shout out bitter reproaches regarding their respective lifestyle choices, and Orlando charges. However, Orlando is mounted on Bayardo, who won't be a party to attacking Rinaldo, his actual master, and they veer off.

Rinaldo sees Truffaldino sneaking up on Astolpho, and charges him. He takes him captive and ties him by the feet to Rabican's tail, and drags him to death. With Truffaldino dead, most of the knights decide that they're no longer really honour bound to defend him. However, Orlando is pretty pissed off, and is back on his original horse, which Brandimart had been riding. He and Rinaldo fight until nightfall, at which point they agree to a truce with the intention of starting again in the morning.

Angelica is basically happy with the outcome of the battle with regards to her city, but is left with a series of problems. She is still in love with Rinaldo, who is on the wrong side of the gates, specifically the outside; Orlando is in love with her, and is also on the wrong side of the gates, specifically the inside; Orlando has basically saved her city and she owes him big time.

Angelica talks Marphisa into letting her talk to Rinaldo. Rinaldo refuses, even when she gives him Bayardo back. Angelica miserably returns to Albracca and promises to marry Orlando if he does one last little teeny tiny thing for her: destroy the magic garden of the enchantress Falerina.

'And try not to be ensorcelled, enchanted, imprisoned, exiled, or killed.'
'Right-ho!'
'But not too hard.'
'What was that last bit?'
'Nothing - good luck, dear!'

Next: Enter Rogero and Bradamante, who are awesome. 

Romancin' Roland I: Angelica the Shifty Princess and the Tournament of Destiny

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Innamorato
The Author: Matteo Maria Boiardo (1494).
This text: An etext of an 1823 prose translation by William Stewart Rose. This edition is from the University of Adelaide - Project Gutenberg has the same text, but the formatting is better here.  It's worth noting that much the same material is covered in Thomas Bulfinch's Age of Chivalry. 
Price: Nothin'.

It surprises me that Orlando Innamorato/Furioso isn't a bigger part of our cultural inheritance. There's eighteen billion King Arthur derivations, but very few Charlemagne ones, and most of those are historical biopics.

And this is a story where a beautiful grifter-princess triggers a sequence of events that sends a dozen knights to all corners of the world (and, in the sequel, the moon) when they should really be defending the realm. It's wonderfully elaborate and complicated. You've got monsters, wizards, sorceresses, enchanted islands, cursed castles, sympathetic and complicated villains, fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...

I would totally watch this TV series.


A note on the text: This text is a prose translation from the early nineteenth century, which tends to describe the epic rather than reproducing it. I've also recently read the Bulfinch's Mythology summary of these legends (in Age of Chivalry). Bulfinch is pretty dry overall, but I found the Charlemagne sequence  hugely entertaining. This summary draws on both of those, but Rose is what I've got open in front of me.

I. Princess Angelica and the Tournament of Destiny
Charlemagne is holding a tournament for the glory of France. Into the middle of a banquet burst four giants, a knight, and beautiful damsel. The damsel introduces herself as Angelica and the knight as her brother, Uberto, and claims that they have been banished from their father's mansion in Cathay for no reason. She adds further that Uberto will joust with all comers; she herself will be the reward. Pretty much everyone falls in love with Angelica at this point, including Charles himself, and especially the Christian knight Orlando and the pagan knight Ferrau. The exception is Malagigi, cousin of Orlando and puissant sorcerer, who knows a shifty sorceress when he sees one and suspects that Angelica is up to no good. Malagigi summons a demon, who tells him a number of things:

• Uberto is actually Argalia, son of Galaphron
• Uberto, actually Argalia, is armed with a magic lance of invincibility
• further, Uberto is equipped with a magic ring of:
• protection from magic, if worn on the finger; and
• invisibility, if put in the mouth.
• the Indian king Galaphron has sent his kids on a mission to humiliate Charlemagne and capture knights
• Angelica is up to no good at all.

Malagigi sneaks into Angelica's camp with intent to murder her, but discovers that she is far too pretty to kill and puts the camp to sleep with a spell. Unfortunately for him, Angelica is wearing Argalia's ring, and wakes. She rouses Argalia, who takes Malagigi captive. Angelica nicks his magic book, and uses it to summon several demons to convey Malagigi back to her father in India. Malagigi is imprisoned in a dungeon under the sea.

The next day, Orlando announces that he will be the first to challenge Argalia for Angelica's hand. Every other knight announces the same thing, and eventually the matter is resolved by drawing lots. Astolpho, the terribly pretty British knight, draws the first lot, Ferrau the second. Orlando draws the thirtieth, and sulks.

Astolpho, not known as a jouster, loses promptly, but because he is terribly pretty, Angelica puts him up in her pavilion. Ferrau loses far less gracefully and goes Argalia with a sword. Argalia's giants step in, and Argalia steps out, feeling that the event has become unsporting. Ferrau eventually prevails, and Argalia agrees to take up the battle again. Crucially, however, he neglects to pick up his magic lance, and the battle is now much more even. Argalia is wearing magic armour and can't be defeated; Ferrau is half-invulnerable and can't be defeated either. They agree to call it a draw, and Ferrau can marry Angelica if she consents.

However, faced with the prospect of marrying Ferrau, who is the opposite of terribly pretty, Angelica flees. She makes her way invisibly into the Forest of Arden, planning to magic herself back home. Abandoned by his hostess, Astolpho picks up the magic lance - not knowing its properties - and heads back to Charlemagne. On the way he meets Rinaldo, his cousin, and tells him what has happened, and then meets Orlando, Rinaldo's cousin and Malagigi's brother, and tells him the same. Rinaldo, Orlando and Ferrau all head into the forest in pursuit of Angelica.

Back at the tournament, the field is being carried by the giant Saracen knight Grandonio. This prompts Charles to speculate with the full force of his vocabulary as to where his champion knights might be. Astolpho, without any particular hope of victory, offers to defend the honour of the king in the absence of his cousins. Much to everyone's surprise, Astolpho defeats Grandonio on the first charge and then clears the field. No-one is more shocked than he himself.

The forest of Arden, site of Angelica's escape, contains two very important water sources left fairly carelessly behind by Merlin after the Tristan/Iseult fiasco. The first is the fountain of hate, which Rinaldo drinks from, causing him to lose interest in Angelica. Having no particular reason to press on, he goes to sleep in a grove. The second water source is the stream of love, which Angelica drinks from, causing her to fall head over heels for Rinaldo, who happens to be sleeping nearby. Rinaldo wakes up and stomps off, with the besotted princess in pursuit. The well-rested knight is too fast for her, and she falls into an exhausted sleep.

Meanwhile, the single-minded Ferrau is pursuing Argalia, intending to defeat him properly so that he can marry Angelica. He is successful in the first part of this: a lucky blow pierces Argalia to the heart. With his dying breath he asks Ferrau to throw his body in the river, because of the immense embarrassment that would result if anyone knew he'd been killed while wearing magic armour.

Elsewhere, Orlando comes upon the sleeping Angelica, and is overcome by her beauty. He decides to sit there, staring, possibly drooling a bit. Ferrau arrives and goes him; Angelica awakes and flees. Orlando proposes a truce so that they might go after her. Ferrau refuses, figuring that he's going to have to kill Orlando at some point anyway. They fight until they are politely interrupted by a damsel, who is looking for Ferrau. Gradasso of Sericane has invaded Europe, and Ferrau's liege, Marsilius of Spain, would really like Ferrau to be back home defending the realm right now. Ferrau grudgingly agrees, and heads back home, leaving Orlando to pursue Angelica eastwards. It does not occur to Orlando that if Gradasso is invading Spain, he might shortly be threatening France, but Orlando is kind of like that.

II. The Road to Cathay
Angelica makes it safely home. She's lost Argalia, but gained Malagigi. Unfortunately, Malagigi isn't the one she wants. She offers him a deal: bring me Rinaldo, and you can go free. She lets him loose and gives him back his magic book. Malagigi summons a demon to take him back to Europe. Rinaldo is pleased to see him, but has absolutely no interest in heading to India. In fact, he's due to duel Gradasso for the fate of France. Malagigi understands, and disguises his demon as Gradasso to lure Rinaldo onto a magic boat. Rinaldo goes eastwards.

Elsewhere, Orlando is heading to India off his own bat. He rescues an old man's son from a giant, and the old man rewards him with a magic book that can answer any question. 'Where's Angelica?' he asks. 'Ask the sphinx,' says the book. 'What sphinx?' asks Orlando.

'Hello,' says a sphinx.

The sphinx agrees to tell Orlando where Angelica is, if Orlando will answer his own riddle. Orlando agrees, and the sphinx tells him that Angelica is in Albracca in Cathay. The sphinx then asks its riddle, and Orlando kills it with his magic sword Durindana. Then he consults the book, and it tells him that the answer was 'man'. 

'Huh,' says Orlando.

Orlando then deals with a giant and a cyclops in short order, and meets a courier. The courier has been sent by Angelica to enlist the aid of Sacripant, king of Circassia, on account of how Albracca is under seige by Agrican, emperor of Tartary. Agrican is one of Angelica's ex-suitors, and is hoping to win her by force of arms. This tells Orlando that he's near Albracca and hence Angelica, and he sets off with a spring in his step.

Nearby is a bridge over a raging river. A damsel  tells him it is her custom to offer everyone who passes a drink from her magic goblet. Not one to scoff at custom, Orlando drinks, and is drugged into an amnesiac stupor.

Back in France, Rinaldo's no-show causes Gradasso to take up the offensive again. Everyone is captured except Astolpho, who is holding the fort back in Paris. Since all Gradasso actually wants out of his invasion is Rinaldo's horse Bayardo and Orlando's sword Durindana, Charlemagne admits defeat and offers both of these, the first immediately, the second whenever Orlando gets back from wherever he's got to. Astolpho refuses to surrender the horse - which isn't Charlemagne's, after all - and offers to joust Gradasso for it and for his captives. Again, Astolpho is accidentally triumphant, and he saves the king and the day. 

Malagigi's boat brings Rinaldo to a luxurious palace on a beautiful garden island. The staff introduce themselves and tell him that the palace is a gift from his magnificent lady love. Rinaldo is pretty impressed until he works out that said lady is Angelica, at which point he huffs back to his boat. He can't make it sail, but just as he's considering his swimming options, it takes off again and deposits him at the feet of an old man who has just this second lost his daughter to a kidnapper.

Rinaldo sets off in pursuit, and promptly falls into a pit trap. He is carried by a giant to the horrible castle Altaripa. There, a hag tells him a long and complicated story of crime, jealousy, violence, infanticide, cannibalism, rape and bitter, bitter revenge. The horrid crimes that have happened here have given birth to a voracious and invulnerable monster. The hag tells Rinaldo that she feeds to the monster anyone that arrives at the castle - originally from necessity, but these days for the fun of it. Rinaldo is thrown into a dungeon, and in the morning he is lowered into the monster's quarters. Neither his sword nor his armour have much effect, and the monster quickly gains the upper hand.

Meanwhile, back in Abracca, Angelica asks Malagigi how Operation Bring-Rinaldo-Here-For-Kisses is going. Malagigi admits that it hasn't gone entirely to plan, and Rinaldo is technically at the mercy of an invincible murder-monster in the doom-castle Altaripa. All is not entirely lost, he says, because he's pretty sure his arsenal of magic items could save the day. The items are:

• a rope full of nooses
• a cake of wax
• a file.

Angelica takes these and flies off to the rescue. She finds Rinaldo dangling from a beam, almost but not quite out of reach of the monster. The exchange goes something like this.

'Can I help you, sweetie? This is kind of my fault although really it's Malagigi's.'
'Don't need your help! Piss off!'
'I've got some magic stuff here. It'll be easy.'
'Piss off or I swear to god I'll just let go.'
'You'll be eaten!'
'I'd rather be eaten!'
'Be that way then!'

Angelica throws her stuff at him and flies off. The wax catches in the monster's teeth and binds them, and the nooses catch on its spines and tangles it up. Rinaldo drops down and tries to kill it with his sword, before eventually giving up and gouging its eyes out with his hands. The monster dispatched, Rinaldo takes stock and finds himself in an oubliette designed to contain a giant and invulnerable monster. Fortunately, he finds Angelica's file, and uses it to escape through a barred window. The hag throws herself off a balcony rather than face Rinaldo's justice. Rinaldo takes one look at Malagigi's boat and heads off inland.

At this point, Astolpho has resolved to answer Charlemagne's question of 'Where the hell are all my knights?' by questing in search of them. He finds himself in the midst of Sacripant's army, heading to relieve Albracca. Sacripant offers to take him into his service, but Astolpho refuses haughtily. Sacripant assumes he's either mad or British, and lets him go.

At a bridge nearby, Astolpho is accosted by the knight Brandimart, Lord of the Sylvan Tower, and his lady. Brandimart wagers his lady on a joust; lacking a lady, Astolpho offers his horse. Astolpho wins, which upsets the lady no end. This in turn upsets Brandimart, and he threatens to kill himself. Astolpho gallantly explains that he doesn't actually want the lady. Brandimart swears eternal gratitude, when Sacripant arrives and offers to joust for both the horse and lady. Astolpho says he'll start since he's already on his horse, and they leave Sacripant in the dust. Astolpho and Brandimart ride out.

The lady at this point realises that they are awfully close to the Waters of Oblivion, and if any damsel should offer them a magic goblet, they should refuse. Sure enough, they arrive at the bridge, and Astolpho does indeed refuse the goblet. Furious, the damsel - actually the fairy Dragontina - sets the bridge on fire. Brandimart's lady takes them down a secret passage and they find themselves in Dragontina's pleasure garden. Dragontina's pleasure garden is full of amnesiac knights, who attack.

Orlando charges Astolpho, who, mounted on Bayardo, flees. The rest of the knights attack Brandimart. Brandimart holds his own, but is slowly overwhelmed. His maiden counsels him to surrender, which he does, and Dragontina forces him to drink the waters of oblivion. Orlando eventually gives up his pursuit of Astolpho and returns to Dragontina to report failure.

Astolpho rides hell for leather to Albracca, where he presents himself to Angelica. Agrican's siege begins. Astolpho offers to prove himself and rides out into the besieging forces. He unhorses many an enemy, but is eventually surrounded and taken.

'Oh, dear,' says Angelica.

Next: The needlessly complicated siege of Albracca.