Ragin' Roland III: The Battle of Paris!

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.



(http://mythicread.blogspot.com/2016/02/ragin-roland-ii-adventure-at-sea.html)

Enter Mandricardo
We meet Agramant, king of the Saracens, reviewing the troops. He won the last battle - technically - and has gathered the Moorish forces within striking distance of Paris. Nothing is going to stop him now.

The troops are in pretty good shape, although there are some gaps in the hero ranks after the last battle. Agramant (with his ally, Marsilius of Spain) does a bit of rearranging, promotes a few captains, wonders where Rogero is, and accepts Mandricardo, King of Tartary, into the ranks. Mandricardo is wearing the armour of Greek hero Hector, which he found in a fairy castle, and no sword. Mandricardo's main quest is to avenge his father, Agrican, and the first thing he needs to do is find out who killed him.

Everyone tells him: it was Orlando.

This suits Mandricardo, because the reason he has no sword is his other quest: he won't wear any sword but Durindana, Orlando's sword.

Mandricardo casts about for Orlando in an aimless sort of way, and comes across a party of armed knights. They tell him that they are escorting the daughter of the King of Granada to her betrothed, the Moorish champion Rodomont.

Can I meet her, says Mandricardo.

No you can't, say the guards.

Can you defend her, says Mandricardo.

Turns out they can't. Mandricardo kills a lot of them, and the rest flee. Mandricardo, covered in blood, introduces himself to Doralice, the princess.

She is beautiful, and he falls in love.

He is a bloody mess who's just murdered her escort. She doesn't.

But Mandricardo is opportunistic, suave and persistent. He dismisses the surviving Granadan servants and rides off with Doralice, explaining that, never mind what she might hear about quests and vengeance and swords and shit, he had in fact come to Spain for the express purpose of meeting and wooing her.

By nightfall, Doralice is smitten. They boot a shepherd out of his hut, and pass the night under a discreet veil.

Prayers and Allegories, and the Beginning of the Battle of Paris
Agramant hears that the English have landed, and decides he's out of time: he must attack.

Charlemagne, meanwhile, realises he's in a bit of a pickle, and retires to the cathedral to pray. This prompts God to look down, and realise there may be a bit of sorting out to do if Christendom is to be saved. He tells the archangel Michael to grab Silence and Discord - allegories, rather than angels - and do a bit of sorting out.

Michael spends quite a bit of time among allegories, but eventually finds Discord in a monastery, and Silence with Sleep (who is sleeping with Sloth).

Silence is dispatched to help Rinaldo and the English sneak into Paris, and Discord is sent into the Saracen camp to start fucking with them.

The Battle of Paris (Part I)
It's almost too late, though:  the Saracens have now arrived at Paris. Charlemagne has drawn his forces into the citadel. It's about to go off.

This battle is grand. Waves of Saracens hit the walls, and are rebuffed, easily to begin with.

And then Rodomont hits the scene. He hacks, he slashes. He cuts through Christian knights by the dozen, and cuts down any of his own men that are retreating. He scares his forces up siege ladders. He leaps the moat in a single bound, and clears a way for the invading horde. The Saracens force themselves into the inner moat.

And then the defenders set off the mines, and everything is on fire.

So what's Astolpho up to anyway?
Astolpho is preparing to return to Europe. Logistilla gives him a magic book that tells him how to protect himself from magic. She also gives him a horn that terrifies anyone who hears it. And then she puts him in a boat with her handmaiden, Andronica, and sends him back west. Astolpho asks Andronica if she knows the way back to Europe, and she tells him its entire future history.

It's one way to pass a voyage.

The boat deposits Astolpho in Arabia, from whence he is content to wend his way by land. He is riding Rabican, once Agrican's horse. Rabican is half horse, half wind-and-fire, and subsists on nothing but air. He's a good horse. Halfway down the Nile, a hermit in a boat tells him of a giant who has been terrorising the land and generally eating people, and politely suggests that he takes another route.

Astolpho says that the other route is the wrong direction - apart from anything, it takes him away from the wicked giant who's terrorising the land. There is heroism to be enacted!

He finds the place - it's the house in the swamp decorated with blood and body parts. The giant, Caligorant, hasn't seen a knight in months, and is thrilled to bits when Astolpho rides along. He lies in ambush, but Astolpho has been forewarned. He sounds his horn, and the terror-struck giant abandons his blind and runs into his own net.

Astolopho is all about dealing justice, but he baulks at killing a helpless foe. The net, it turns out, was made by Vulcan for Mercury, so that he could use it to catch the nymph Chloris. Caligorant had stolen it from a Greek temple. It's the good shit, and the giant is secure. So Astolpho rides off to Cairo, leading the giant along with him.

The giant is carrying his stuff.

In Cairo Astolpho hears tell of a great villain in Damietta, who can't be killed. This is once again the kind of challenge Astolpho is up for, so off he goes. He comes across the villain, Orillo, in combat with two Christian knights of his acquaintance: the brothers Gryphon and Aquilant. These two are chopping Orillo to bits, which does no good because all the pieces turn to quicksilver and rejoin with each other.

(There's also a dead sea monster, that Orillo had been using to terrorise people with.)

Orillo isn't being killed, but he's not winning, either, so he jumps into the river and swims off. Astolpho and the brothers retire to a pavilion, and Astolpho consults his book. The book says that there is one particular hair that needs to be cut in order to break the spell. Unfortunately, Orillo is a hirsute fellow, and the book doesn't say which one in particular needs to be lopped off.

Astolpho asks the brothers if they mind him having a go at Orillo. Be our guest, they say.

The next day Astolpho challenges Orillo to a duel. Astolpho chops of bits as quickly as he can, but they keep flowing back into Orillo. Eventually, though, he manages to cut off Orillo's head. Before the rogue can reassemble himself, Astolpho grabs the head and rides off with it, leaving Orillo's body fumbling about in the dust.

As Rabican rides off into the desert, Astolpho desperately tries to find the particular hair on Orillo's head. None of them stand out, leaving Astolpho with a last resort: he uses his sword to shave Orillo bald. One of the hairs is the fatal one, and Orillo's eyes roll back in his severed head as his body collapses.

Job done, says Astolpho. You boys want to head back to Paris with me and help save Christendom?

Sure, say the brothers, we've nothing better to do.

Gryphon, Origilla, and the Tournament at Damascus
The three soon meet the young Sir Sansonet of Mecca, who was converted by Orlando some time ago. Astolpho gives Sansonet his giant as a servant, and Sansonet gives Astolpho the golden spurs of St. George, which he found in Joppa after a siege one time.

Meanwhile, Gryphon and Aquilant get some news: Origilla is in town. Gryphon and Aquilant have history with Origilla.

"Oh, man, Gryphon, this is bad news. The number of times that woman has left us betrayed, marooned, endangered, abandoned... I don't know why we keep falling for her bullshit."
"Aquilant! I love Origilla and I must be with her!"
"No, wait, I remember."

Aquilant has some brotherly advice...

"You know what I'm going to say."
"I don't know what you're going to say."
"You know exactly what I'm going to say."
"If you have something to say, brother, you should say it."
"You're going to make me say it? Ok. Don't go haring off after Origilla."
"I am going haring off after Origilla!"
"Don't go haring off after.. ah, fuck."

...but Gryphon sneaks out of town and heads to Damascus, where Origilla was last headed.

Gryphon catches up with Origilla outside of Damascus, where she's riding in state with another man: Martano. Origilla catches sight of Gryphon and freaks out a bit, because last time she saw him he was stranded on a rapidly receding island. She recovers quickly, however, and throws herself around his neck, saying how she's missed him terribly after accidentally leaving that last time. Martano? Martano's not her lover, no! Martano's her brother! And now here are her two favourite men, all ready to go to the tournament that's just been announced at Damascus!

This probably won't end badly.

The Battle of Paris (Part II)
Meanwhile, Agramant is facing off against Charlemagne, and Rodomont is on fire. With very little choice, Rodomont leaves his men to burn, and leaps over the inner wall. He finds himself in a courtyard where the people of Paris are gathering for safety. This turns out to have been an unlucky choice, as Rodomont came here to put Paris to the sword and now here is a whole bunch of Parisians. Rodomont rampages through the city, massacring the populace and setting fire to buildings and pushing down walls and pillars.

Outside the city, Rinaldo's British forces take up position. With the Scottish prince Zerbino at his side, Rinaldo leads a charge into the thick of the Saracen forces. Zerbino distinguishes himself against the Spanish, but is cut off. He's rescued by Ariodantes, the new Duke of Albany (for which, refer previous).

The battle on the plains ebbs and flows, with the Christian and Saracen forces well-matched. Agramant, frustrated at the walls of Paris, detaches a large force to secure the plains. The Scottish forces - led by Zerbino, Ariodantes and Lurcanio - are cut off and scattered. Rinaldo grabs a lance and defeats several Saracen heroes, shoring up the Scottish line and pressing back at Agramant. Rinaldo, already the biggest hero on the battlefield, decides that he needs to defeat the strongest of all the warriors on the battlefield, turns to face Agramant.

Rodomont is still kicking over buildings in Paris and dismembering Parisians. Seeing him as the biggest threat, Charlemagne rides over and berates him for terrorising civilians. In a towering rage, the king lowers his lance and charges.

So do the knights Ogier, Namus, Oliver, Avino, Avolio, Otho, and Berlinghier. 

That's a lot of knights.

A bit of Damascan history
Travelling through the festivities around the tournament in Damascus, Gryphon is met by a stranger knight who tells him all about the history of Damascus.

We have the young king, Norandino, who has just married a Cypriot princess, Lucina. On the way home from the wedding, though, the ship is wrecked in a storm, and a good portion of the crew captured by a blind cannibal ogre, known as the Orc (no relation to the sea-going Orc that Orlando and Rogero fought). And Lucina, too.

Noradino sets off in pursuit, and manages to sneak into the Orc's cave and make the acquaintance of his wife. Don't worry about your own wife, she says, because the Orc only eats men, never women. He just imprisons women. Speaking of which, she adds, you'd better get out of here before he smells you. Noradino refuses, saying he'd rather die by his wife than flee. The Orcwife sighs and goes with plan B, which is to use a goat carcass to make a convincing-smelling disguise for Norandino.

The Orc comes in and eats a couple of sailors, then wanders out again. Norandino sneaks up to Lucina's cage and says he's here to rescue her. And now, thanks to the Orcwife, Norandino has a plan. He instructs his men to kill the oldest, smelliest goats, one for each man and woman here. Then, with everyone disguised as old, smelly goats, they'll sneak out.

Lucina refuses to disguise herself as a goat.

When the Orc comes home and discovers that he has (a) no humans to eat and (b) no goats, either, he blames the only person left to blame, which is Lucina, and chains her to a rock. Norandino is considering his options at this point and coming up with "suicide by Orc" and "continue pretending to be a goat." But his goat act is so effective that he misses Gradasso and Mandricardo, who turn up randomly and rescue the princess. Of course, since she's a princess of Cyprus, these two figure the best thing to do is to deliver her back to the King of Cyprus. On Cyprus.

When Norandino, still disguised as a goat, discovers that Lucina is missing, he decides to go looking for her. Unfortunately, he goes in the exact wrong direction, and ends up back in Syria. He sends messengers everywhere, and eventually hears from Cyprus that Lucina is heading to Damascus

So he holds a tournament in celebration. Which is where Gryphon comes in.

The Damascan tournament
The next morning, Gryphon and Martano head to the tournament. It turns out that there's a bit of a fad in Syria for French-style tournaments, so Gryphon feels right at home. The prize here is a suit of magic armour, which was presented to the king by a merchant who found it inexplicably by the road one day. Gryphon already has magical armour, however, so he's really only in it for the bragging rights.

Gryphon does really well at the tournament, distinguishing himself against any number of Saracen and Christian knights (the tournament is explicitly open to all), until he comes up against the final eight, close friends of the king's. Martano does less well - in fact, he disgraces himself by fleeing the battlefield. Shamed by his comrade's behaviour, Gryphon redoubles his efforts and defeats each of the eight champions, individually or in pairs. Noradino calls a halt to the proceedings, and Gryphon heads back to his inn, still feeling embarrassed at Martano's actions rather than valiant at more or less winning the tournament.

Not wanting to face Gryphon, Martano and Origilla sneak out of the inn. Gryphon is exhausted, and collapses into a deep sleep. Martano and Origilla sneak into his room and steal his arms and armour, leaving Martano's in their place.

The next morning, Gryphon wakes to find that his gear is missing, and is forced to wear Martano's armour. He rides into town to find Martano, in Gryphon's armour, accepting the king's accolades for Gryphon's victory yesterday. In Martano's armour, however, Gryphon finds himself mocked and jeered. Noradino asks Martano how he came to ride with such a coward. Martano says that he only met the guy yesterday and had no idea he was so crap; he suggests that Gryphon should be hung as a warning against cowardice.  Noradino thinks this is a bit harsh, and sentences him to public humiliation instead. Gryphon is overwhelmed by the guards and thrown into a cell.

The next day, Martano skips town before the deception is uncovered. Gryphon is stripped and chained to a cart, where the Damascan townsfolk berate and beat him. This goes well for the people of Damascus, until Gryphon is able to slip his bonds, grab a sword and shield, and start laying about him...

The Battle of Paris (Part III)
Eight lances thud into Rodomont, knocking him to the ground.

He gets up again.

Another dozen knights close in. No-one is able to actually pierce Rodomont's skin, but he's now on the defensive and can't get out from the press of bodies. More and more soldiers pour into the square. He slowly forces his way to the river wall, and throws himself over. He flows out with the Seine, and eventually drags himself onto the bank.

Just as he's looking at the walls of Paris and contemplating having another go, a dwarf turns up with a message from Doralice that says "Help, help, I've been captured by Mandricardo" - a message that was dispatched before she'd fallen in love with him. Charlemagne's allegorical army kicks in, and Discord convinces Rodomont to go in pursuit of Doralice.

Between Rodomont quitting the field, Charlemagne taking control of the city, and Rinaldo kicking arse on the plains, Marsilius decides to fall back with the Spanish forces. Agramant's knights fight on, led by Ferrau. In the skirmishes that follow, the young king Dardinello of Zumara kills Lurcanio and several other British knights, before being confronted and slain by Rinaldo. Agramant calls the retreat.

Charlemagne has won the day, if not the war.

Rescue tally (No change): 
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 6
Bradamante: 5
Orlando: 2
Rinaldo: 2
Rogero: 0
Astolpho: 0
 
Next: Enter Marphisa!

Ragin' Roland II: Adventure at Sea!

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

Meanwhile...
Rinaldo is in Scotland, basking in the glory of having saved the Scottish King's daughter from being burned at the stake by her father. Everyone is terribly grateful, and when Rinaldo explains what he's doing in Britain in the first place, the King pledges to send all the troops he can to defend France from the infidel.

Brill, says Rinaldo, and rides off to London.

A Princess in Distress
When last we saw Angelica, she was desperately trying to get as far away from Rinaldo as possible. She is now also trying to get away from a hermit priest, who has fallen in love with her himself and become a little too friendly. The hermit is secretly a sorcerer, and after he loses her trail he resorts to black magic. He summons a demon, and sends it to possess Angelica's horse and carry her to a rendezvous.

Which means that when Angelica hits the coast, her horse dives right in and starts swimming, much to her consternation.

Eventually, the demon-horse deposits her on a rocky shore, leaving the damp and disheveled princess to lament her fate. She is grateful to see a familiar face, even if it is the creepy priest, and her gratefulness lasts long enough for him to cast a sleep spell on her.

(There's an untranslated passage here; it is implied that the priest tries to have his way with the princess, but fails. It's icky.)

At this point we learn that the island is called Ebuda, out past Ireland. It's inhabited by damned tribesfolk and menaced by a mighty sea monster, the orc. The story goes that the sea-god Proteus seduced a princess of the island and got her pregnant. The king sentenced both his daughter and her unborn offspring to death. Proteus sent all his sea monsters to ravage the island. The islanders consulted an oracle - it turned out that the only remedy was to sacrifice a woman as beautiful as the original princess to the orc on a fairly regular basis.

These days, then, the tribesfolk of the island generally take to piracy and kidnapping to acquire women for the orc. However, if they happen upon the most beautiful princess in Asia and possibly the world asleep near an elderly skeevy priest, they are not above taking her off the beach and tying her to the sacrificial rock.

Angelica is in peril!

Orlando and the Guns of Friesland
Orlando is now back in Paris, entirely prepared to defend Christendom from the ravages of the Moorish host. Well, mostly prepared. Actually, he's moping about how Angelica got away because he was foolish enough to entrust her safety to someone else who got overrun when the battle went badly.  Orlando is not sure which is worse: that something terrible may have happened to Angelica, or that she might have married another knight by now. When he dreams someone telling him, "dude, just let her go!" he decides that he must go in search of her. He sneaks out of the castle without telling his uncle, the King, or his best mate Brandimart, or Brandimart's girlfriend Flordelis. He disguises himself as a Saracen and rides out through their sleeping camp.

(He is far too honourable to just start killing folk. That would be wrong.)

Orlando travels far and wide looking for Angelica, but finds no sign. Eventually he fronts up at a swollen river. The bridge is gone, but there's a boat with a damsel in it. The damsel offers to ferry him over, on one condition: that he fight a battle at her request.

Sure, he says.

Great, she says, the King of Ireland is going to war with Ebuda, because Ebuda is kidnapping women to feed to a sea monster.

Holy shit, thinks Orlando. What if Angelica has been kidnapped to feed the sea monster?

He immediately commandeers a vessel and heads to Ireland, but a storm blows up and he ends up in Antwerp instead.

The custom for knights in Antwerp, he learns, is to pay respects to a certain damsel. When in Antwerp, figures Orlando, and goes to meet the lady. The lady is dressed in mourning, and begins to tell her story. 

"Is this going to take a while?"
"Probably."

The lady - Olympia - is the daughter of the Count of Holland. She was in love with Bireno, Duke of Zealand, who is off fighting the Moors in Spain. Alas, in the meantime her father had arranged for her to marry Arbantes, Prince of Friesland. There was a treaty riding on it. When Olympia refused to marry Arbantes, Friesland invaded Holland and killed all her kin.

Turns out that not only is Arbantes a pretty serious knight, he's also got some pretty weird weapons: metal tubes that send balls of lead at - and often through - their targets.

There was a plan: Olympia sent her brother to summon Bireno back from the war. The plan went badly: Bireno was captured, and Olympia had to go to Friesland to marry Arbantes.

There was another plan: it involved a lackey, an axe and Arbantes' head. This was entirely successful, except that it left Cymosco, the King of Friesland, in a murderous rage.

Olympia escaped, but the situation is now that Cymosco has given Olympia a year to hand herself over to him or Bireno will get it in the neck. The year is nearly over.

Now, she's not been idle. She's sold off all her lands to pay assassins and spies to either kill Cymosco or rescue Bireno. But none of that has worked and now she's feeling pretty cornered. What she'd really like is a knight prepared to go up against Cymosco and his guns. And she hasn't found one, because the guns are pretty fucking scary.

Sounds like you need a hero, says Orlando.

Orlando and Olympia sail off to Friesland. When they get there, Orlando offers a challenge to Cymosco: I'll meet you with sword and spear, and if you win, you can have Olympia, and if I win, you'll release Bireno.

Sure, says Cymosco, or I could just have my men kill you.

Fine, says Orlando, I'll take on the lot of you. At the first sign of an ambush Orlando starts stabbing people. It turns out that the Friesland forces have never faced a knight with invulnerable skin and an irresistible sword. Cymosco flees, with Orlando in hot pursuit.

Cymosco gets enough of a lead that he decides to try his secret weapon. Unfortunately, he misses, and takes out Orlando's horse instead. Orlando leaps up and chases him down. Cymosco is decapitated. Bireno is freed. Olympia is made Queen of Friesland. Orlando dumps the gun in the deepest ocean, finding it a horridly unknightly weapon.

Then he heads off to Ireland, still hoping to possibly rescue Angelica who might, after all, be at the mercy of a sea monster.

It turns out, however, that there was may have been more need for chivalry than he realised. Bireno is not the prince charming of this story. He is, in fact, in love with his brother's fiancée, the daughter of the late king of Friesland. In a staggering lapse in chivalry, fidelity and being a decent human, he strands Olympia on an island off the coast of Scotland, and sails off.

Rogero and the Sea Monster
Rogero is currently wending is way towards Logistilla's kingdom across a desolate beach. He's being pursued - in a leisurely, teasing sort of way - by Alcina the sorceress and two of her friends. They are  are floating along on carpets taunting him with wine and wiles. Eventually he finds a ferry; the ferryman is pleased to see him, and even more pleased that he's escaped Alcina. They set sail, only to find themselves pursued by Alcina's fleet. Alcina herself is no longer so placid. The ferryman reminds Rogero that he's carrying magic shield of dazzling. He unveils it, and his pursuers are dazed and dazzled. Alcina's fleet flounders, and Rogero docks at Logistilla's castle.

Melissa and Alstopho are already here; Melissa introduces Rogero to Logistilla, and explains all about her hero breeding program. Logistilla understands how important it is to get Rogero to Charlemagne's side and hence Bradamante, and the most efficient way she can think of is to teach him how to ride the hippogriff properly.

Thanks, says Rogero, and takes off in the other direction.

He's not being obtuse, exactly, it's just that he really enjoys flying the hippogriff. He flies quickly round the world - Catay, Sericane, Russia, those sort of places - before deciding he better get on with it. However, navigation is not his strong suit, and he lands in London.

London, you may recall, is where Rinaldo was headed, and here he is. He is watching a parade of all the troops that England is supplying to succour Charlemagne.

There are a lot of them. They include Zerbino, son of the Scottish king, who we'll hear more of later. Rogero watches politely, but is technically on the other side so doesn't get involved. Instead, he heads off for Ireland.

Navigation is not his strong suit.

Flying over the seas around Ireland, he sees the island of Ebuda, where there's a naked woman tied to a rock. Rogero doesn't really know Angelica, but she is the most beautiful princess in Asia and possibly the world, and besides, it's pretty clear what a knight ought to do in this situation.

He swoops in to ask her what she's doing tied naked to a rock.

"Untie me, you jerk!"
"Hey, I was just making conversation!"

During the conversation, the orc arises from the sea, yawns, and heads over for breakfast. Rogero remounts the hippogriff and charges the orc with his lance. He bounces off. He tries again, and again, but is unable to find a weak spot. Meanwhile, the orc is thrashing around pretty badly, and the hippogriff is in danger of become waterlogged.

Fortunately, he has other means at his disposal. He flies back down to Angelica and puts his ring of magic resistance and also invisibility on her finger. Then he takes the covering off his magic shield of dazzling.

Rogero looks contemplatively at the dazed orc, wondering if he might have leisure to find a weak spot, but Angelica attracts his attention.

"Untie me, you jerk!"

(Rogero's rescue count: +1 princess)

Rogero flies back to Brittany, and along the way becomes very conscious that he has a naked princess on his hippogriff. He lands in a nice little meadow, and starts to behave in a remarkably unchivalrous manner.

(Rogero is docked one rescue point for unknightly behaviour: -1 )

Angelica, however, looks down at her hand, and realises that the ring that Rogero put on her finger is none other than the ring that Brunello stole from her back in Albracca. The ring of magic resistance and also invisibility. She promptly puts it in her mouth, and vanishes from sight.

Ariosto does not record that she kicks Rogero in the nads at this point, but I like to think she does. Angelica takes invisible refuge in the cave of an old herdsman, stealing his food and, somehow, a peasant's dress.

Rogero is stricken with remorse, shame and regret. As far as he knows, the ring was a gift from Bradamante, so he feels pretty fucking rotten at having lost it while attempting to force himself on another princess.

And then he realises that he never tied up the hippogriff, and that's flown off and all.

He trudges off.

After a sulky wander, he hears the sound of battle. He rushes over to see a knight fighting a giant. The giant's club split's the knight's helmet - it's Bradamante! Oh no!

Rogero challenges, but the giant grabs the lady, and runs! Rogero gives chase!

Furioso Fishing
Orlando is now heading out to Ebuda, but a storm blows up and he finds himself lost at sea for a bit. By the time he gets to the island, Oberto, the king of Ireland, is already there. He can also see that there's a naked lady tied to a rock, and they can see that the sea monster is coming for a meal.

"We're going to need a bigger boat." 

Orlando tells his pilot that he has a plan. He asks for the longest, toughest cable aboard, and the ship's anchor. Then he takes a skiff and rows out between the orc and the rock. As the beast approaches, he hefts the cable and the anchor and leaps into the monster's mouth. He jams the anchor into the thing's palate and wedges its jaws open. Then he draws his sword and starts slashing the thing from inside.

The orc dives; Orlando swims free. He drags the cable back to the island, finds somewhere to brace himself, and reels the monster in.

It's dead by the time he pulls it ashore.

This does not please the island folk: their whole seaborne kidnapping livelihood has just been destroyed. They surge towards Orlando in a rage, but it turns out they've never fought an invulnerable knight before. Orlando kills enough of them to reach his way to the lady - who is not, it turns out, Angelica. It is Olympia. It turns out the islanders had picked her up from her island only this morning. She explains her predicament to Orlando. Orlando is not happy.

(Orlando's rescue count: +1 damsel)

Orlando sees Oberto's ship, and figures he can probably find Olympia a dress there. Oberto is a bit alarmed at being approached by two naked people, one of them covered head to toe in gore, but after some observation he recognises Orlando from his time in France, and also falls in love with Olympia.

"Eyes front, your majesty."

Orlando relates Olympia's sorry story.

So, she's single then, says Oberto.

Orlando insists at least that Olympia is dressed before any wooing happens. He heads off after Angelica, content in the knowledge that Oberto is going to marry Olympia and raze Friesland and Holland to the ground.

Atlantes' Trap Dome
Orlando tromps all over Europe, unable to find Angelica - until, in an amazing stroke of luck, he sees her! She's being carried off by a knight! He gives chase!

Orlando's horse Brigliadoro is one of the best in Europe, but the rogue knight outdistances him. Eventually, though, the pursuit ends at a lofty mansion, with a gate of gold. Orlando sees the knight carry Angelica across the threshold.

But when he crosses it himself, neither is anywhere to be seen.

Orlando goes frantic trying to escape, but now he can't find a way out. Worse, he can hear Angelica, calling to him and complaining about the lack of effective rescue.

Unknown to Orlando, there are other knights here: the Saracens Gradasso, Ferrau and Sacripant, as well as his best friend Brandimart, somehow.  However, the magic of the dome means that they can't interact with each other, and don't know that the others are even there. Each of the knights has the same story: someone stole something of value - a horse, a sword, a girlfriend - and when they pursued, they found themselves trapped in the dome.

This is another of Atlantes' magic traps, laid for Rogero - and anyone else that happens by.

Happily for Atlantes, then, Rogero is the next to burst in. He starts tearing through the manor looking for Bradamante and the giant that - he thinks - kidnapped her.

Help is at hand, however: a shifty sorceress-princess is passing by. Angelica is idly wondering whether Orlando or Sacripant would be the least worst option to take her back home, when she notices a highly magical manor. Concealed by the magic ring, she sneaks in and finds both of them.

She reveals herself to Sacripant - but the ring dispels Atlantes' spells, so she's also facing Orlando and Ferrau, who immediately start fighting with Sacripant over her. And Rogero, who looks shifty.

"Alright, boys, I've had a really shit couple of weeks and all I really want is one of you knightly arseholes to escort me back to India."
"And then marry you?'
"Not even vaguely part of the deal."
"Then we shall fight to see who shall marry you."
"You know what? Fuck you guys. I've got a magic ring, a horse and a peasant's dress, I'll take my own fucking chances."

Angelica puts her ring back in her mouth, and vanishes.

(Angelica's rescue count: +6 knights)

The three knights that are actually in love with Angelica rush off into the forest. Sacripant and Ferrau start arguing, and Sacripant says that he would challenge Ferrau to a duel if he was smart enough to wear a helmet. Ferrau explains his quest: he's vowed to wear no helmet until he's claimed Orlando's.

Orlando, says Sacripant, give him your helmet so I can thump him.

Fuck that, says Orlando, I'll take off my helmet and thump him myself.

Orlando hangs his helmet on a branch, and goes at Ferrau. Ferrau, it turns out, has much the same enchantment that Orlando does: his skin is invulnerable. The fight is therefore brutal but indecisive.

Angelica, it turns out, is close enough to watch. She's still considering asking Orlando to escort her home. She picks up the helmet to see what all the fuss is about.

A little later, Ferrau looks up from the fight to see the helmet missing. He calls off the fight and, thinking Sacripant has nicked it, runs off into the forest in pursuit. Angelica drops the helmet and, again, flees. Ferrau picks it up, satisfies himself that it's Orlando's, and puts it on. He then heads back to his army by another route, telling everyone he meets that he fought Orlando and claimed his helmet.

Both of these things are true, he figures.

Orlando, a little confused and bewildered, wanders off, pausing only to massacre a couple of passing Saracen squadrons.

Isabel the Unlucky
It's not long before Orlando encounters a damsel and an old woman, arguing. Orlando asks what's going on, and the damsel - introducing herself as Isabel - says she'll tell him, even though she'll be punished for doing so by her kidnappers, who the old woman is in league with.

Isabel is the daughter of the king of Gallacia, and is beloved of Zerbino, Prince of Scotland. Unfortunately, she was a Saracen, and so Zerbino couldn't just ask for her had. They decided to elope. Zerbino, however, had duties: he needed to lead his forces to Paris to succour Charlemagne because of the Saracen invasion force. He sent a friend - Odoric of Biscay - to kidnap her so that they could be married. All went well until the ship was caught in a storm and sank; Isabel lost her dowry, but she and Odoric survived.

Which would be fine, except that now Odoric declared his love for her and also his intention not to take her to Zerbino. Odoric sent away Zerbino's loyal mate, and murdered his own loyal mate who dared to suggest that this sort of thing is not on.

Isabel was saved from Odoric, however: they were attacked by bandits and she was kidnapped and kept in a cave, which is where Orlando finds her now. This was some time ago, but she understands they intend to sell her into slavery.

Sounds like you need a hero, says Orlando.  Isabel smiles wanly.

The knight makes short if messy work of the nearest bandits, and rides off with Isabel. The old woman slinks off into the undergrowth. 

(Orlando's rescue count: +1 princess.)

Bradamante to the Rescue!
Bradamante is back home in Marseilles, harrying Saracens and brooding about Rogero. Then Melissa arrives, explaining that she's just rescued Rogero from Alcina, but that he now needs rescuing from Atlantes.

Fair enough, says Bradamante, and mounts up, and off they go. Melissa spends the trip filling Bradamante in on all the wonderful descendants she's going to have.

"Hey, Melissa? All these descendants - are there any chicks?"
"Oh, yes, buckets. They are all models of virtue and chastity. Every single one."
"Right, but - any knights? Warrior chicks?"
"Why would there be any knights?"

As they get close to Atlante's mansion, Melissa explains carefully what Bradamante must do. Bradamante listens with all the concentration and attention to detail that a knight can muster.

"Ok, listen carefully. Atlantes has a spell that lets him disguise himself as whoever you love most. He uses it to lure knights into captivity."
"You've told me this a million times, Melissa. I understand."
"In your case, that'll be Rogero. Now, Atlantes has already captured Rogero (again) so if you see Rogero beset by fantastic beasts, you're to ignore the beasts and kill Rogero, because it's actually Atlantes."
"Kill Rogero. Gotcha."
"This is important, Bradamante."
"I know, I know... Holy shit! Rogero is being attacked by giants! I better go rescue him!"
"Don't go rescue- ah, fuck."

Bradamante finds herself trapped in Atlantes' magic dome - which is, at least, blessedly free from other knights at the moment.  

Rescue tally: 
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 6
Bradamante: 5
Orlando: 2
Rinaldo: 2
Rogero: 0
Astolpho: 0

Next: The Battle for Paris! 

Ragin' Roland I: Kings, Quests, Maidens, Monsters

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

Orlando Furioso picks up where Orlando Innamorato left off: the Christian knights have returned to Europe to fight off an African invasion - but they lost the first battle. Charlemagne's forces are scattered and confused. Though, to some extent so are Agramant's Saracen forces. It was that kind of battle.

The Continuing Aftermath of the Battle for France
Various heroes and villains are wandering in the forest of Arden in the aftermath of the battle. Angelica comes across Rinaldo (who, thanks to various magic fountains, she hates) and Ferrau (who she hates because he's ugly). Rinaldo (in love with Angelica thanks to various magic fountains) and Ferrau (in love with Angelica because she's pretty) draw swords and fight, and Angelica ducks back into the forest. 

"Rinaldo! I hate you and I love Angelica! We fight!"
"Ferrau! I love Angelica and I hate you, but she's getting away!"

Rinaldo and Ferrau join forces to pursue Angelica, and run off in different directions. Ferrau drinks at a stream but accidentally drops his helmet. Last time Ferrau was here he killed Argalia, Angelica's brother. Argalia had asked for his body to be disposed of in full armour, but Ferrau nicked his helmet. Now, the ghost of Argalia rises up from the riverbed, and says, "Hah, mine now!" and sends him off to nick someone else's helmet: Orlando's, maybe, or Rinaldo's.

"Gulp! A ghostly curse!"
"Sure, why not?"

Meanwhile, Angelica meets Sacripant, King of Circassia, who declares his eternal love. Figuring that of all the knights in this forest that are in love with her, Sacripant is the least worst, she declares her own temporary and conditional love.  

"One last thing, Angelica: because we are ye olde knights written by ye olde Italians, I urgently require knowledge about the state of your...being."
"Sure, absolutely, of course, and you would prefer me to be..."
"A virgin, chaste and pure!"
"No problem, absolutely, why not, of course."

Sacripant can't quite believe his luck, but it doesn't last: he is promptly pasted by a knight in white. Angelica offers him some consolation: she says that Sacripant technically won that bout because the stranger knight didn't actually stop, riding off into the forest.  A passing herald identifies the knight in white as Bradamante, who is looking for her love, Rogero the Saracen.

Sacripant's horse was killed in the extremely short joust, but Angelica finds Bayardo, Rinaldo's horse. No sooner is Sacripant mounted when Rinaldo himself comes crashing through the woods. Angelica tells Sacripant to flee, but Sacripant feels there's no point being someone's guardian and protector if you don't get to beat up your enemies. Besides, he's mounted and Rinaldo's not. Angelica flees and Sacripant charges. However, Bayardo recognises Rinaldo, and refuses to fight, and instead runs around the clearing. With some difficulty, Sacripant dismounts. He and Rinaldo fight.

The first person Angelica meets is a hermit, who she takes for a priest. She begs him to get her out of this damn forest. The hermit, actually an evil sorcerer, summons a spirit to break up the fight between Rinaldo and Sacripant. The spirit tells the two knights that he just now saw Orlando riding with Angelica into Paris. The two break off the fight. Rinaldo rides into to town, to find Charlemagne desperately trying to regroup his forces. Pleased to have at least one of his irresponsible knights back, the king immediately orders Rinaldo to stop messing around with shifty princesses and to go to England to get reinforcements.

The Iron Tower and Melissa's Cave of Mystery
Bradamante, meanwhile, comes across a moping knight. The knight, it seems, has lost his lady: she has been kidnapped by someone on a winged horse. The knight - Pinabel - tracked her down as best he could, but it seems that she is imprisoned in an impregnable tower of iron. Pinabel tells of meeting two knights - Gradasso, king of Sericane, and young Rogero, who he asked to rescue his lady. The two knights fought with the man on the hippogriff for an hour or so. The battle ended when the man on the hippogriff - another sorcerer, apparently - removed the cover from a magic shield, which struck everyone senseless with beams of magic light. Pinabel assumes that the two knights were captured and are held in the iron tower; Bradamante volunteers to rescue everyone.

Pinabel at this point has worked out who Bradamante actually is, and it turns out that there's a long-standing feud between his people in Maganza and Bradamante's family. So instead of leading her to the iron tower as promised, he finds a crevice and pushes her in.

Bradamante finds herself stuck in an extensive cave system, which opens up into a cathedral-like space with a central altar. Here she meets a somewhat dishevelled woman by the name of Melissa, who declares that this is the tomb of Merlin and that Merlin's ghost has predicted her coming. Melissa then starts telling Bradamante about the line of heroes that will emanate from her womb.

"My womb?"
"Your womb. Your union with Rogero will be fruitful, and your womb will spring forth abundant issue."
"Rogero, right. Look, I really only just met the guy, and more importantly, I really only just met you..."
"Shut up and lie down in this magic circle."
"If I do, will you stop talking about my womb?"

Melissa orders Bradamante to lie down in a magic circle, and proceeds to show her extensive visions of her descendants, complete with prophetic commentary.

"That's...a lot of offspring."
"This is the short version. Otherwise you'd be here all week."
"My womb hurts."

At the end of the parade of heroic descendants, Melissa starts providing practical advice. In order to fight a sorcerer on a flying horse who has a shield that can knock people out with its magic beams of light, she'll need some sort of protection from magic, like a ring or something. Fortunately, there's one nearby. Angelica's ring of magic protection and also invisibility was stolen by the dwarf Brunello on orders from Agramant of Africa. As luck would have it, Brunello is passing by right now on his way to deliver it to his king.

Melissa leads Bradamante out through the cave system and, guided by prophecy, to exactly where Brunello is. Bradamante introduces herself as a passing anonymous knight, and convinces Brunello to lead her to the iron tower so that she might prove herself against its master. When they get close, she knocks out Brunello, nicks his ring and ties him to a tree.

At the tower, Bradamante calls out a challenge to the master of the tower. During the ensuing fight, she comes to realise the difficulty of jousting against someone who can fly. Nevertheless, she puts up a good enough show that the sorcerer resorts to his magic shield of dazzling. When it is uncovered, Bradamante feigns unconsciousness, so that she can get the jump on the sorcerer when he lands.

Up close, the sorcerer turns out to be this old dude, and the knight can't quite bring herself to kill him. She demands to know why he built an iron tower in the middle of nowhere. The sorcerer - Atlantes - says it was all for the love of his stepson, Rogero, who is prophesied to die a Christian, and by treason. The old man's plan, therefore, is to keep Rogero safely and luxuriously imprisoned, where he can't be seduced by some hussy knight and dragged off to Christendom.

The other prisoners are to keep him company.

Bradamante forces Atlantes to break the enchantments holding the tower together, and the prisoners are freed - but the sorcerer escapes using magic.

Bradamante's rescue count: 5 knights (+5)

Bradamante and Rogero's reunion is shortlived, however. Rogero sees the hippogriff, and decides to mount it.

"Hey, thanks for the rescue, Bradamante. You sure are a swell knight. Hey, look, an enchanted hippogriff!"
"That's your step-dad's enchanted hippogriff, Rogero - you remember, the guy that kidnapped you and imprisoned you in an enchanted impregnable iron tower beyond (almost) all hope of human rescue?"
"Hey, look, it wants me to get on it!"
"Don't get on the enchanted hi- ah, fuck."
"Aaaah! Does anyone know how to fly an enchanted hippogriff?"

The hippogriff flies off into the distance. Bradamante takes Rogero's horse, and tries to follow.

Rinaldo and the Frisky Princess
Rinaldo's boat is caught in a storm, and he finds himself in Scotland. This being the land of Arthur and all his lot, Rinaldo figures this is prime adventuring territory: he sends the ship to Berwick and takes his horse ashore. The local monks tell him that there's a lot of weird shit that goes on in the forest, but it's not a very glamorous adventuring destination and if he wants fame and glory he's best off heading straight to the king's castle to save the princess. The princess needs a champion, as she's been unfairly sentenced to death by fire for the crime of adultery. This bothers Rinaldo a great deal.

"What? You don't burn people to death for adultery! Are you people barbarians?"
"She was unjustly accused!"
"I mean, if two young people with hot blood and natural urges want to..."
"It is a grave injustice!"
"Yes, but it shouldn't even be on the table. I mean, this is perfectly understandable behaviour under the circumstances..."
"We're talking vile calumny here, Sir!"
"I mean treason, sure, you might burn people, but for just doing what comes naturally..."
"She didn't do...!"
"Alright. I'll do it. I'll save your frisky princess."
"She isn't... Thank you, Sir Rinaldo. The castle is that way."
"Allons-y!"
"Bloody French knights!"

On the way to the castle Rinaldo rescues a woman from two thugs. Luckily, the woman, Dalinda, is a friend - sort of - of the doomed princess, Geneura, and her tale of woe is extremely relevant to Rinaldo's current quest. The tale of woe begins with her being seduced by a Scottish lord, Polinesso.

Rinaldo's rescue count: +1 damsel

Polinesso (relates Dalinda) took advantage of Dalinda's access to the princess to further a nefarious plot. He would insist on coming to see her in Geneura's chambers, to the point of having her dress up as the princess and dropping a rope ladder from the princess's balcony. It turns out he wasn't in love with Dalinda, but with Geneura. Geneura, however, was in love with the brave young knight Ariodantes. Polinesso, then, used Dalinda shamelessly to create the illusion that he was having an affair with the princess.

Amid rumours and hearsay of the goings on at the palace, Ariodantes slowly became convinced that his lady was unfaithful. Finally, Polinesso convinced the young knight to take up a station opposite the balcony. Ariodantes saw Polinesso climbing the ladder into the princess's chambers, and immediately resolved to kill himself. Luckily he'd brought his little brother, Lurcanio, who knocked away his dagger and convinced him to seek revenge instead. The two denounced Geneura to the king, and she was sentenced to death by fire. This distressed Ariodantes and he fled the kingdom intending to kill himself. It also rather worried Dalinda, and she fled to Polinesso's castle. Polinesso, in a spirit of tying up loose ends, set two thugs on her, and that was where Rinaldo came in.

There remains hope for the princess: there is a loophole in the death sentence. By Scottish law, Geneura's innocence can be proved by trial by combat against a champion. Lurcanio, maddened by the loss of his brother, has been appointed said champion.  Normally, the king's son Zerbino would slice to ribbons anyone who spoke against his sister, but he's off adventuring somewhere. Polinesso may have been expected to move a hand, but Lurcanio's actually a pretty fierce warrior, especially when he's really pissed off.

Right, says Rinaldo. Let's get this sorted.

They rush of to Saint Andrews - but are a little surprised to find Lurcanio already in combat with a stranger knight.

Yeah, nah, says Rinaldo. He rides up to the king and tells him to stop the fight. When the king asks why, Rinaldo recounts Dalinda's story and says that Lurcanio is fighting under false pretences.

Can you prove it? says the king.

My lance can prove it, says Rinaldo, and he spears Polinesso through the chest.

The stranger knight immediately throws himself at the feet of the princess. He removes his helmet - it's Ariodantes! He tried to kill himself by throwing himself into the sea, but it turned out that drowning was really horrible so he swam back to shore. He discussed his problems with a cliff-dwelling hermit, and in the end decided that Geneura was too pretty to die and, even if she really did love that other guy she'd be really, really impressed if he rode to her rescue and Polinesso didn't.

He hadn't quite realised that he'd have to kill his brother to save his girlfriend, but in the end he made his choice.

Everyone is fairly content with the outcome. The king, who'd been a little worried that Ariodantes was a stranger from a distant land with not a lot of wealth, awards him Polinesso's duchy as a dowry. And Dalinda swears off men and goes to Denmark to become a nun.

Rinaldo's rescue count: +1 princess 

Rogero and the Island of Fairies
We find Rogero where we left him: high above Europe on a hippogriff. Soon, he's high above Africa, then Asia. Eventually, however, the beast sets him down on a distant island. Not wanting to lose it, he ties it to a tree.

Which introduces itself.

The tree is Astolpho, Bradamante's terribly pretty British cousin. Also technically Orlando's and Rinaldo's cousin.

Astolpho the tree explains that, way back in the previous book, he was seduced onto a whale by the fairy Alcina, who'd fallen in love with him. She brought him home to her magic island, introduced him to its politics, and entertained him as only a fairy dedicated to vice and evil can.

It was pretty great for a while, he says.

Eventually, however, she tired of him, and turned him into a tree. Indeed, most of the landscape is made up of people Alcina seduced then turned into things. Astolpho then explains that the best thing that Rogero could do is to make for the kingdom of Logistilla, the good fairy and technically the true ruler of the island until the biggest chunk was usurped by Alcina and the other evil sister, Morgana.

Rogero does what he can to follow the tree's instructions, but the hippogriff won't let him ride it anywhere and there's an army of monsters, beasts, giants and weirdos between himself and the gates to Logistilla's kingdom. He does have is stepfather's magic shield, which can dazzle and stupefy everyone who sees it, but considers this an unworthy path to victory. He is contemplating a suicidal frontal assault when he is approached by two beautiful women and he considers that being seduced is probably his best option right now.

The two women take him to Alcina's castle, which is full of lush gardens, jewelled portals and cavorting nymphs. Here he meets Alcina herself, who is entirely beautiful. And, also, a sorceress. Overcome by her beauty and her magic, Rogero falls hopelessly in love with her.

Meanwhile, Bradamante repairs to the Tomb of Merlin, where she hopes to get some sort of prophetic hint as to where her boyfriend is. Melissa fills her in.

"Bit of a good news, bad news situation here, Brads. Good news: I know where he is and he's not dead."
"Bad news?"
"He's been seduced by a fairy."
"Ah."
"But good news! You now have a ring of magic resistance and also invisibility thanks to expert prophetic guidance."
"Yay!"
"Bad news! You don't have the magic to get you to Alcina's island."
"But you do?"
"You're ruining my bit here. Good news! I do!"

Melissa summons a demon to take her to the fairy island, and then magically disguises herself as Atlantes. She finds Rogero bedecked with jewels and unguents, lethargically resting in a bower. Melissa tells him off and tells him to get off his arse and go questing. Rogero is a little confused because sitting on his arse in a fairy castle being seduced by sorceresses is exactly the sort of thing his stepfather likes him doing. Melissa's reminds him that there's a good Christian woman waiting for him in Europe - again, not Atlantes typical dialogue - and hands over her magic ring as a gift from Bradamante. 

Rogero is again surprised, this time because Alcina's palace looks a lot different without all the illusions sprucing it up. This is true of Alcina herself, who turns out to be more than a little old and withered. Rogero finds his sword and Astolpho's horse Rabican,  takes Melissa, and flees the castle.

"Dad - have you always been a lady?"
"Uh. I'm not actually your father. That was a magical ruse."
"Only I put the ring on and you turned into a lady."
"Just ride, kid."
"Ok, dad."

Rogero immediately finds himself harried by the monstrous rabble. He starts off kicking at them, then draws his sword, and finally resorts to Atlantes' shield, which stuns the army long enough for him to escape. Alcina raises her personal guard, and sets out in pursuit. Melissa starts going around the landscape turning all the rocks and trees and such back into knights. This time, Rogero is able to make it safely to Logistilla's kingdom. Most of the newly awakened knights head for their various homes, but Rogero stays to make the acquaintance of the fairy queen.

Melissa, in the meantime, sneaks back into Alcina's castle to recover Astolpho's armour and, more importantly, his magic undefeatable lance. Then she takes the British knight on the hippogriff - which she knows how to fly - to rendezvous with Rogero in Logistilla's realm.

Melissa's rescue count: we'll say a dozen, including Rogero and Astolpho (+12)
Rogero's rescue count: 0 (+0)



Rescue tally: 
Melissa: 12
Bradamante: 5
Rinaldo: 2
Rogero: 0
Astolpho: 0

Next: Adventure by sea!

The Book of Kings VI: Persian Prince Parade (redux)

The Myth: Tales of Ancient Persia! Kings! Princes! Heroes! Demons! Giant birds! Battles! Conquest! Divine kingly radiance! The grandest sweep of history!
The Book: Shahnameh, the Persian Book of Kings
The Author: Abolqasem Ferdowski, some time in the tenth century.
This text: a 2006 translation by Dick Davis.
Price: This one cost me $29.99 from Dymocks, and it was money well spent. Seems to be pricier on the internet, though.



In the aftermath of Sekander's reign, Persia's ivory throne lies empty. The land is ruled by a succession of kinglets, each "cheerfully ruling a petty kingdom." This is exactly as Sekander planned.

Eventually, however, one of these kings, Babak, starts dreaming of his chief shepherd, Sasan.  He has Sasan brought to him and questions him about his ancestry. It turns out that the shepherd is the descendent of another Sasan, the son of Dara, who went into hiding in India and lived obscurely. Babak's dreams suggest that Sasan or his offspring will become king of Persia, so he invites him into his palace, clothes him in finery and marries him to his daughter. Sasan sires a son, Ardeshir Babakan, who grows into a fine prince with a particularly dazzling divine kingly radiance.

Ardeshir
Ardeshir is summoned to the court of King Ardavan, where he promptly falls in love with one of the king's concubines, Golnar. Golnar is not just a concubine; she is also Ardavan's prime minister, chief advisor and treasurer. This makes it easy for Golnar to raid the treasury when she and the prince flee the palace.

Ardavan pursues, but is met with troubling omens. Everyone who has seen the prince comments on his divine kingly radiance, and his impossibly fleet horse is being followed by a clearly symbolic sheep. Ardeshir and Golnar escape Ardavan's pursuit, and the king returns to his lands to prepare for war. When Ardeshir returns, it is at the head of a conquering army.

Things go well for Ardeshir for a while, until he comes up against Haftvad. Haftvad was a merchant, until his daughter found a worm in an apple. The worm was magical, and helped Haftvad's daughter to spin vast amounts of magical thread. Haftvad leveraged this productivity into vast wealth, and ended up controlling the town. For five years the worm was kept well-fed and comfortable, until now it is the size of an elephant in Haftvad's giant fortress.

Haftvad, it turns out, is pretty much invincible. Ardeshir's army is routed and his palace is sacked. Ardeshir realises that he's not going to get very far without dealing with the worm, so he gathers his captains and sneaks into town. He poses as a merchant wishing to pay homage to the great beast, and gets the worm's servants drunk so that he can fill thing full of boiling lead.

Without the worm's magic, Haftvad is no match for Ardeshir and is captured. Ardeshir assumes the ivory throne and becomes King of Persia.

Shapur
Ardavan's sons send their sister to seduce Ardeshir and poison him. She is half successful: she sleeps with the king but spills the poison. She begs not to be executed, saying that she is carrying the king's child. Ardeshir sentences her and the child to death, but the chief priest takes pity on her and she is secretly spared.

Some years later, the chief priest confesses that he saved the woman and child, and Ardeshir is shaken but ultimately pleased to have a son. He picks the boy, Shapur, out of a lineup of a hundred young nobles, knowing instantly that this is his son.  He consults an Indian wise man about the future of the boy, who says that everything will be fine as Shapur marries the daughter of Ardeshir's enemy Mehrak. Ardeshir says he would rather die than give his throne over to Mehrak's descendants, and sends out horsemen to kidnap his enemy's only daughter so that she can be drowned.

Meanwhile, Shapur meets a beautiful girl while out hunting, and they hit it off. She tries to tell him that she is the daughter of the village headman, but he immediately pegs her as royalty and demands the truth. She says that she is the only daughter of Mehrak, and has been hidden in the village to keep her safe in case one of her father's enemies wants to have her drowned. Shapur tells the headman that he intends to marry his ward, and the headman, unwilling to argue with the crown prince, consents. Soon Shapur's wife gives birth to a son, Hormozd. They raise the boy in secret, but when Ardeshir finds out he only laughs and says that he should have listened to his seer.

Eventually, Ardeshir dies, though not before giving Shapur a long lecture about kingship. Shapur takes the throne. The Roman provinces stop sending their tribute, so Shapur goes to war against Rome. The Roman emperor is forced to surrender, and Shapur exacts a tribute from them.

More Kings
The narrative skips over a series of not very interesting kings: Hormozd, Bahram Hormozd, Bahram Bahram, Bahram Bahramian, Nersi Bahram and Hormozd Nersi. Royal names are in somewhat short supply in ancient Persia.

Shapur Zu'l Aktaf
Hormozd Nersi dies thinking he has no heir, but a wise priest finds a pregnant concubine in the harem and sets himself up as regent until the concubine's son is of age. The boy is named Shapur, and eventually becomes king.

Sometime ago, the Arab Tayer kidnapped Nersi Bahram's daughter, and fathered a daughter, Malekeh. When Shapur inevitably goes to war with the Arabs, Malekeh sees him from the battlements and immediately falls in love with him. She arranges for Tayer's fortress to fall to Shapur. Shapur orders Tayer decapitated, and then removes the shoulder blades from his Arab prisoners. This earns him the sobriquet Zu'l Aktaf: Lord of the Shoulders.

Sometime later, Shapur becomes bored with kinging and decides he wants to be a spy. He hands over the throne to his vizier and disguises himself as a fantastically wealth merchant, and heads off to spy on the emperor of Rome.

"Sire, we have spies."
"Do we have spies with divine kingly radiance?"
"It's not something we would consider an advantage..."
"Who's king?"

Unfortunately, Shapur has no sooner crossed the border when he is identified by a Persian exile and sold out the the emperor. The emperor has him bound up in an ass's skin, and sets off to invade Persia. Fortunately, the empress's servant is a Persian lass, and she falls in love with Shapur. On Shapur's orders, she slowly softens the ass's skin by secretly pouring warm milk on it. After two weeks of this the ass's skin splits and the king is free. The servant girl procures two horses, a mace, a helmet and some armour, and the two flee back to Persia.

"I could probably have procured a sword, sire..."
"The warm milk thing worked, didn't it?"

Shapur arrives back in Persia to find it besieged by the entire Roman army. He gathers his forces and attacks by night, defeating the Romans and capturing the Emperor. Remembering the ass's skin, he has the emperor mutilated and executed. The emperor is succeeded by his brother, who desperately sues for peace. Shapur accepts and they conclude a treaty.

More Kings
At this point the book skips over some more boring kings: Shapur's brother Ardeshir Niku Kar, Shapur III and Bahram Shapur.

Yazdegerd the Unjust and Bahram Gur
Yazdegerd's chapter begins "Yazdegerd rejoiced at his brother's unhappy death..." and it goes on from there. Yazdegerd is a tyrant, bereft of justice, mercy and divine kingly radiance. When his son Bahram is born, Yazdegerd consults some astrologers who tell him that the boy will become a great and glorious king. Yazdegerd thinks this sounds awesome, and summons envoys from all over the world so that he can find someone to raise the boy to be a great and glorious king. He settles on an Arab prince, Monzer, and his son No'man. These two raise Bahram to be a mighty warrior and hunter, and hopefully a great and glorious king.

Eventually, Yazdegerd summons his son back to Persia. He lavishes gifts on No'man and sends a letter back to Monzer saying what an awesome job he's done. Bahram, however, is a bit shocked at his father's brutal rule, and sends Monzer a letter of his own. Monzer writes back saying, "Hey, look, you've got to know your place, you know? Here's ten thousand dinars and your favourite slave girl."

Bahram is happy enough with this for a while, but Yazdegerd comes to feel that his son isn't acting appropriately and has him confined to quarters. Bahram conspires with the Roman envoy Taynush to escape, and flees back to his foster family in Yemen.

Yazdegerd asks his astrologers for a prophecy about his death. They tell him this is a bad idea, but he's king and he insists. They tell him that when his luck starts to decline, he'll head to the Fountain of Su, and he will die. Yazdegerd immediately swears an oath that he will never travel to the Fountain of Su, and his luck immediately starts to decline. He starts to bleed profusely from his nose. His astrologers sigh and say that he has angered God by trying to escape his fate, and really the only way to alleviate the curse is to travel to the Fountain of Su.

At the fountain, Yazdegerd bathes and his bloody nose immediately clears up. He decides not to wait around for whatever else is supposed to happen, and on the way home he is killed by an angry white horse.

Yazdegerd's nobles collectively sigh in relief, and note just what a bastard Yazdegerd was. Then they look speculatively at the empty throne, and each other. The priesthood quickly intervenes, and place an old and not particularly evil noble named Khosrow on the throne.

Meanwhile, Bahram and No'man hear of Yazdegerd's death and immediately raise an army. The Persian priesthood send an envoy and point out that Bahram has a pretty solid claim to the throne and perhaps riding at the head of a giant Arabian army isn't the best way of securing it. Bahram travels back to Persia with a small escort. He is welcomed by the nobles, and put on a throne if not the throne. The Persian people are not convinced, and there is unrest. The priesthood offer to set up a competitive examination process to select a king from a field of about a hundred nominees. They include Bahram so he's happy enough.

During this, Monzer asks the Persians why they won't accept Bahram, who should be a perfectly good king candidate. They point to all the body parts and organs that they lost under Yazdegerd, and say that they don't really expect better from his son.

Ah, says Monzer.

On learning this, Bahram gives a heartfelt speech to the Persian people, saying that he understand just how crap a king Yazdegerd was. The people and the priesthood are suitably impressed at his speech and his divine kingly radiance. Bahram suggests a test of bravery: the crown will be placed between two lions, and the person who can take it shall be king. Everyone says, sure. Either you get torn apart by lions or God saves you; we're happy with both of those options.

Khosrow and Bahram line up in front of the lions. Khosrow decides that he doesn't really want to be king anymore and lets Bahram go first. Then one of the lions breaks free and Bahram clocks it with his mace. He clocks the second lion and takes the crown.

Bahram's rule is peaceful and prosperous, and he is able to enjoy the pleasures of the palace. One day, however, one of courtiers gets ridiculously drunk and passes out on the road. His eyes are pecked out by ravens, and he dies. As a result, Bahram forbids the drinking of alcohol in his kingdom.

Shortly afterwards, a newly married cobbler's son is having difficulty performing his husbandly duties, so his mother pulls out her secret stash of wine to help him. The boy drinks up, and then heads home. Instead of mounting his donkey, he gets on a lion that has escaped from the king's menagerie. The lion keeper sees the boy riding the lion, and runs to tell the king. Bahram asks what has happened, and the story comes out. The king is highly amused, and amends his earlier decree: people are allowed to drink enough wine that they can ride a lion, but no so much that ravens peck their eyes out.

Bahram's rule continues. The Emperor of China hears that Persia is ruled by a dissolute, pleasure-loving king, and invades. Bahram, however, is well aware of his responsibilities and sees the Chinese forces off. Byzantium tries to claim that it shouldn't pay tribute to a king who lacks wisdom, but Bahram passes the Byzantine ambassador's test and the tribute is reinstated.

Bahram hears that the Shangal, the king of India, is straying from the path of righteousness. He takes a leaf from Sekander's book and goes as his own envoy. While in India, Bahram impresses everyone by killing a rhinocerous and a dragon, and then he seduces the king's daughter and escapes with her. Shangal pursues, and learns who this "envoy" really was. When he catches up, he swears vengeance upon Bahram, until Bahram convinces him that the position of royal father-in-law is a pretty good one, and carries exactly no obligation to pay tribute. Shangal sees the wisdom in this and returns to India as Bahram's regent.

More kings and a prophet
Bahram Gur is succeeded by his son Yazdegerd, who is succeeded briefly by his son Hormozd and rather longer by his other son Piruz. Piruz is succeeded by Balash, then Qobad. Qobad's reign sees the appearance of the dangerous prophet Mazdak, who preaches the unthinkable doctrine that nobles aren't really better than anyone else and that everyone should be treated as equals with all property held in common. Happily, Qobad and the Zoroastrian priesthood see off this terrible heresy and everyone returns to their lives of peace and prosperity.

"Everyone" being the nobility, of course. Who cares about those other guys?

Kesra Nushin-Ravan
Qobad's son Kesra is a just king who reforms the tax system and forges a treaty with Rome, that includes the emperor's daughter as his wife. Unfortunately, their son Nushzad is a bit of a tearaway and, worse, a Christian like his mother. When Kesra falls ill Nushzad leads a rebellion against his father. The rebellion is ultimately unsuccessful, and Nushzad dies wishing he'd been a more respectful son.

Kesra starts having prophetic dreams, and the search for someone to interpret it leads him to the boy Bozorjmehr, who is terribly wise and learned despite his youth. The exceedingly just Kesra and the exceedingly wise Bozorjmehr become a king/vizier dream team, and Persia prospers. There is a new treaty with China (again involving the emperor's daughter), and an exchange of games with India. Indian sages send the game of chess, and Persia returns its far superior game of nard, which is too complicated for the Indian sages to understand.

At least, that's the Persians' story.

Eventually, Kesra and Bozorjmehr fall out. Bozorjmehr starts seeing terrible omens everywhere, and frowns a lot. The king sees him frowning and takes offence. Bozorjmehr is confined to quarters. He takes it stoically, and whenever the king asks how he's doing he says he's doing pretty well. This causes the king to escalate his punishments, until Bozorjmehr is imprisoned in a spiked metal chest with his head bound by iron. The king smugly ask him how he's doing again, and Bozorjmehr says he's getting happier every day. Kesra demands an explanation, and Bozorjmehr says that he's taking more and more comfort in the idea that death comes to everyone sooner or later.

The king finds this answer weird and releases his vizier back to house arrest.

Byzantium tries again to claim that it doesn't have to pay tribute to anyone who isn't wise enough. An envoy arrives with a sealed casket, and says they will only pay tribute if the king can determine what is in the box without opening it. The king summons Bozorjmehr, who works it out with some pretty astute omen-reading. Byzantium agrees to continue to pay tribute, and Bozorjmehr is restored to the king's good graces.

"Sorry about the imprisonment and torture thing."
"Don't mention it."
"I feel really bad about it!"
"Just shut the hell up!"

Then Kesra imparts some kingly wisdom to his son, Hormozd, and dies.

Hormozd, Khosrow Parviz, and also Bahram Chubineh who is not technically a king
Hormozd turns out to be one of Persia's evil kings, and he immediately sets about imprisoning loyal viziers, murdering chief priests and executing nobles. Before long, Persia is in revolt and is threatened by external enemies. One of the older nobles recommends one Bahram Chubineh, who takes control of Hormozd's armies and marches against the rebel king Saveh Shah. Saveh Shah tries to induce Bahram to defect, but the general is incorruptible. Bahram is victorious, and he presents Saveh Shah's head to his king.

But he is also merciful, and offers safe conduct to Saveh Shah's son Parmoudeh. Parmoudeh is insufficiently grateful, however, and does not treat Bahram with the respect that he feels is his due. Bahram has Parmoudeh shackled and beaten. Then one of his people points out that this is actually a really good way of alienating a potential ally. Parmoudeh is released but it's no good: he runs off to Hormozd and tells him how badly Bahram has treated him. Hormozd takes Parmoudeh's side - monarch to monarch - and sends Bahram a gift of women's clothes and a spindle. Bahram dresses in the clothes and uses the outrage of his officers to drive rebellion against the king. Despite the warnings of his sister, Gordyeh, he sets himself up as a rival monarch in the town of Rey.

Bahram foments dissension in Hormozd's ranks by having coins minted bearing the likeness of the king's son, Khosrow Parviz, and sending them to Hormozd with a letter boasting that he will be Khosrow's most loyal and destructive general. Hormozd believes his son is planning to rebel, and orders him executed, along with many of his allies. Khosrow flees the palace.

Persia is in disarray, and nobody quite understands what's going on. Two of Hormozd's nobles decide that the king has lost all trace of divine kingly radiance, and corner him in his palace and blind him. Then they loot the treasury and flee.

Bahram learns of Hormozd's misfortune and - again against the advice of his sister Gordyeh - makes his move on the throne. Khosrow comes out to meet him. They parley, then fight, and Khosrow is forced back to his capital. He consults his blind father for advice, who tells him to send to Byzantium for aid. The emperor of Byzantium sends an army and his daughter. Khosrow is ultimately victorious, and Bahram flees to China.

Bahram ingratiates himself with the Chinese court, to the point of marrying at least two of the emperor's daughters, and when Khosrow demands his extradition the emperor instead sends Bahram at the head of a conquering army. Khosrow sends first a envoy to sue for peace, and, when that fails, an assassin to murder Bahram. This, at least, is successful.

The emperor of China wishes to honour Bahram's memory by marrying Gordyeh. Gordyeh deliberates, but decides that she is loyal to Persia and refuses. The emperor sends his brother, Tovorg, with an army to claim her anyway. Gordyeh challenges Tovorg to single combat, and kills him.

At this point, Gostahm, one of the nobles who blinded Hormozd, revolts against Khosrow and proposes to Gordyeh. Gordyeh decides she is willing to accept a Persian husband. This places all of her forces with Gostahm, which bothers Khosrow. Khosrow sends a secret letter saying that he has always loved Gordyeh, and offers to marry her if she can get rid of her new husband. This suits Gordyeh, and she smothers Gostahm in his sleep. Gordyeh becomes the wife of Khosrow and, at her request, ruler of Rey.

Shirui
Khosrow Parviz's son by his other, Byzantine, wife grows up idle and loutish, and by the time he comes of age his father has had enough and has him imprisoned. But although Khosrow had been a basically good king, and he gets older his court becomes more and more unjust. His chamberlain, Farrokhzad and a warrior, Goraz, actively encourage this dissolution. Eventually Khosrow gets wind of their treachery, but the two are able to release Shirui from prison and encourage the army to defect to him. Khosrow is imprisoned in his turn, and then executed by a common thief hired to the purpose.

Shortly afterwards, Shirui himself is poisoned.

A few last kings
Shirui is succeeded by his son Ardeshir, who is murdered. Goraz seizes the throne, and is murdered. Two royal princesses, Puran-Dokht and Azarm-Dokht, rule briefly before being succeeded by Farrokhzad, who is murdered. Khosrow Parviz's grandson, Yazdegerd III, takes the throne.


Yazdegerd and Mahuy
Yazdegerd ushers in a new era of stability and not being murdered, and rules for sixteen years. But then Persia is once again invaded by Arabs, led by Sa'd. But these Arabs are different. These aren't the pleasure-loving kings and splendid warriors of the past. They are black-clad religious fanatics, austere and terrible. Despite their lack of equipment and food they are all but unstoppable, sweeping all before them in an ecstatic frenzy.

Yazdegerd desperately gathers his loyal forces, including a governor, Mahuy - but Mahuy is treacherous and sends a letter to one of the outland warriors, Bizhan, telling him that the king is vulnerable and the throne can be his. Bizhan attacks and Yazdegerd's army is routed. The defeated, bewildered king takes refuge in a mill. The miller reports the presence of the lone, majestic warrior to his village headman, who sends him off to Mahuy. Mahuy offers the miller a choice: either go and cut off the warrior's  head, or have his own cut off now.

The miller accepts the commission and the king is murdered. Mahuy takes the throne - and he holds it as long as it takes Bizhan to get his army to the capital. But it turns out Bizhan has no design on the throne; he has allied with the Arab forces.

And so Mahuy is - briefly - the last Persian king in the Book of Kings, and the Shahnameh comes to an end.

--

I loved this book. It's grand and elaborate and majestic and awesome. From the ancient mythic heroes to the bloodthirsty chaos of the final era, it had me utterly entranced.

The poet Ferdowski ends his book asserting his moral right to be identified as the author of this work:

After sixty-five years had passed over my head, I toiled ever more diligently and with greater difficulty at my task. I searched out the history of the kings, but my star was a laggard one. Nobles and great men wrote down what I had written without paying me: I watched them from a distance, as if I were a hired servant of theirs. I had nothing from them but their congratulations: my gall bladder was ready to burst with their congratulations! Their purses of hoarded coins remained closed, and my bright heart grew weary with their stinginess.

...

"I've reached the end of this great history
And all the land will fill with talk of me:
I shall not die, these seeds I've sown will save
My name and reputation from the grave,
And men of sense and wisdom will proclaim
When I have gone, my praises and my fame.

I raise a glass to him across the ages: you sang a fine song, Mr Ferdowski.

The Book of Kings V: Sekandar's world tour

The Myth: Tales of Ancient Persia! Kings! Princes! Heroes! Demons! Giant birds! Battles! Conquest! Divine kingly radiance! The grandest sweep of history!
The Book: Shahnameh, the Persian Book of Kings
The Author: Abolqasem Ferdowski, some time in the tenth century.
This text: a 2006 translation by Dick Davis.
Price: This one cost me $29.99 from Dymocks, and it was money well spent. Seems to be pricier on the internet, though.

Alexander is not technically a Persian king, but since he ruled Iran for a decent period, he has been taken into the Book of Kings as the half-Persian, all-heroic king of the world Sekandar. 

Greece and Persia
Darab, King of Persia, dies, and is succeeded by his second son Dara. Dara is a one of the better kings: pretty solid on the world-conquering, rather good on justice to the poor, fairly middling on the not-lopping-off-heads.

Darab's first son, Sekander, inherits the Greek throne when his royal grandfather dies. His first act is to appoint the smartest man in Greece, Arestalis, as his advisor. Arestalis demonstrates his wisdom by advising that a king that doesn't listen to his advisors is a stupid, stupid king.

Arestalis understands job security.

Egypt
Dara greets Sekander's ascension with a letter of congratulations and an invoice for Greece's tribute. Sekander refuses. He decides that a young man must travel the world, and so he gathers an all-conquering army and sets out. First stop is Egypt, where his invasion is so successful that there is more loot than he can carry and more surrendered officers than he can handle.

Persia again
Sekander decides that he wants to meet his brother, so he presents himself as his own envoy. He tells Dara that 'Sekander' has no intention of invading Persia, he just wants passage for his conquering army on his trip around the world. He points out that he doesn't technically need Dara to approve this. Dara refuses, though he is impressed with the handsome envoy who is glowing with divine kingly radiance. The Persian soldiers who had gone to Greece with the tribute invoice recognise Sekander, and tell Dara. Sekander expected this, however, and disappears into the night with a bag full of treasure and important strategic insights.

Three battles later, Sekander is in control of Persia and Dara is suing for peace. Sekander offers him safe passage for his family and the rulership of Persia as a satrap. Dara decides that this isn't quite what he wanted, and sends to Foor, an Indian prince. Sekander gets wind of this and sends out his troops. Dara's forces decide that they've had enough of being beaten by Sekander's all-conquering army, and Dara is stabbed by his chief advisor and his treasurer.

On his deathbed, Dara commends Persia to Sekander, as well as offering him his daughter's hand in marriage. Sekander agrees to respect the beliefs and customs of the land. Then he has the murderers put to death, because no king wants a pair of king-killers hanging around.

Qanuj
Sekander gathers his all-conquering army at the borders of Qanuj, ruled by King Kayd. Kayd's advisors recommend not going to war with Sekander's all-conquering army. They point out that Sekander is first and foremost a seeker of knowledge, and will probably be satisfied with a gift of Qanuj's four magnificent and irreplaceable treasures: a goblet that always remains full of water (or wine, if one so desires); a physician who can tell you everything that's wrong with you from a single drop of urine; a philosopher who can infallibly read the prophecies of the stars; and his daughter, who's gorgeous.

This all seems like a good deal to Sekander, who sends nine sages to collect them. However, he does express a certain skepticism, and puts all of the treasures to test.

Kayd's daughter passes more or less immediately, and Sekander marries her "according to the Christian fashion," presumably to distinguish the marriage from his marriage to Dara's daughter. He engages the philosopher in a battle of metaphors, and the philosopher comes out ahead. The physician tells him he eats to much and sleeps with too many women, and he gives him an unguent to help with that; Sekander refuses to take the medicine but sleeps alone. The physician deduces this from his urine, saying he doesn't need the medicine if he sleeps alone, that was the whole point. The goblet,  sure enough, it never runs out; a philosopher tells him that it's basically a really subtle and effective condenser, nothing magic as such.

Sekander is suitably impressed, and gives Kayd a pile of treasure and a peace treaty.

India
Sekander sends a letter to Foor, Prince of India, saying that he's a bit sick of all this fighting and that Foor can save everyone a lot of hassle by immediately offering his fealty. Foor refuses, and marshals his war elephants.

Sekander's spies alert him to the issue of the very large number of basically invincible Indian war elephants. Sekander delegates the problem to his wise men, who delegate it to a party of twelve hundred blacksmiths. The blacksmiths come up with a plan involving an iron horse filled with oil.

Great, says Sekander, I'll take a thousand.

So it turns out that the natural response of an Indian war elephant to an iron horse filled with burning oil is to panic and to run in random directions; Sekander's forces are less affected by panicking elephants and get the upper hand.

Sekander tells Foor that he can do things the easy way, involving single combat, or the hard way, involving the slaughter of thousands. Foor, twice Sekander's size, opts for the easy way, but is distracted a crucial moment and Sekandar slices him in half.

Sekander rules India himself for two months, then appoints a regent and moves on.

Mecca
Sekander, a Christian, decides to undertake the pilgrimage to the Ka'abeh, a move which pleases and confuses his army in equal measure. He pauses only to pray, conquer the surrounding area and kill an evil king.

Andalusia
Sekander returns to Egypt for a while, where he is treated well by the local king who doesn't want to be conquered again. Nearby(-ish) Andalusia is ruled by Queen Qaydafeh, who hears of Sekander's fame and sends a painter to Egypt to capture his likeness on silk. She likes what she sees and removes the painting to her private quarters for further examination.

Sekander, meanwhile, sends a letter to Qaydafeh asking exactly how much tribute she should be paying to him. Qaydafeh refuses to pay any, and Sekander moves his all-conquering army to the borders of Andalusia. His troops capture Qaydafeh's son, Qaydrus. Sekander proposes a ruse: he asks one of his advisors to sit on the throne pretending to be the king, while he acts as a courtier and begs for Qaydrus' life. Pretend-Sekander agrees to spare Qaydrus, and sends real-Sekander as envoy to Andalusia to negotiate with Qaydafeh.

Qaydrus returns to his mother and counsels sending Sekander his tribute. He introduces the "envoy" as the one who saved his life; Qaydafeh sends for her tapestry, and then asks to be left alone with Sekander. Qaydafeh tells Sekandar that she has a large collection of likenesses of various kings and heroes, and he's both. She notes that she doesn't actually want to kill Sekander, and suggests that they come to some sort of arrangement. She agrees to keep his identity secret so that her other son Taynush doesn't kill him and start a war.

The two swear oaths of amity and Sekander returns to his forces.

A different bit of India
Sekander takes his army to the land of the Brahmins, a group of ascetics. Somewhat bemused, they point out that they have completely eschewed wealth and power they don't actually have anything worth conquering. They explain their philosophy, and Sekander agrees that conquering would be completely pointless. He offers them expensive gifts, which they refuse, because: duh.

Abyssinia
Sekander takes his all-conquering army west, and quickly conquers Abyssinia. Then his army is attacked by a rhinocerous, which does about as much damage as the Abyssinian forces did.

A Land Where the Men Have Soft Feet and also there's a dragon
Sekander's all-conquering army arrives at a land where men have soft feet. The warriors are tall, but poorly armed and naked. They attack with rocks, and lose pretty quickly. Sekander's army finds itself in a huge and friendly city. The inhabitants ask him if he's a hero, because they need one: their city is plagued by a dragon.

Sekandar accepts the challenge. Where Rostam might have swatted it with his ox-headed mace, Sekandar approaches the task with one of his own preferred weapons: a battalion of archers. The dragon turns on the all-conquering army, but is scared off by the war drums. Sekander fills five cow skins with oil and poison and rolls them down to the hillside. The dragon eats the poison cows, and dies.

"You never tried poisoning the thing?"
"We're not heroes, sire."

Leaving this particular city, Sekandar comes across the mysterious tomb of a long-dead king. He can't help but notice that the king is (a) fabulously wealthy and (b) dead, and which leaves him in a fairly melancholy mood.

Harum
Sekandar and his chieftains press on ahead of the all-conquering army, and come to a town called Harum, which is ruled - and populated - entirely by women. Sekandar sends a letter saying that he would like very much to enter the city in pursuit of knowledge, as a friend, but he does happen to have an all-conquering army that might come into play if he is refused. The people of Harum write back telling him that it will do his reputation no good at all to be beaten by a bunch of girls, but that's pretty much inevitable if he doesn't back off. He is entirely welcome to take his all-conquering army around Harum, and they'll even throw a party for him if he does.

Sekandar sends back that he really really did want to see the city, but since he's only really after knowledge he'll be happy if the leaders come out and talk to him. The leadership sends out two thousand of the wisest and most eloquent women of Harum and a staggering tribute, and the plains see a pretty amazing party.

The next morning Sekandar is allowed into the city alone. What he learns there is not recorded, but he stays there until he has no more questions left to ask.



Various wondrous lands
Sekandar hears tell of the waters of life. A wise man tells him that a man must ride past the edge of the world on a young horse. Sekandar orders ten thousand young horses. He sends a scout ahead with a magic water-detecting amulet, and follows with the rest of the all-conquering army. Unfortunately, in the darkness beyond the edge of the world the army takes a wrong turn, and ends up at a great shining mountain instead. (The scout, happily, makes it to the waters of life; he has a bath, drinks his fill, and heads home.)

On the shining mountain, Sekandar meets two allegorical birds, who ask him about the meaning of life and so forth. They are happy with his answers ("Drinking and singing are pretty great, but seeking knowledge is pretty important.") and tell him to climb the mountain to see something really interesting and upsetting.

On top of the mountain, Sekandar does see something really interesting and upsetting: Esrafil, the angel of death. Esrafil tells him to piss off and keep travelling. Sekandar knows at this point that he's going to be travelling until he dies.

At this point the all-conquering army is more or less wandering aimlessly, and they come to a town that is beseiged by brutes with huge ears, the faces of animals and a remarkable fecundity. The brutes are led by the unstoppable warriors Yajuj and Majuj. Sekandar knows that he can solve such a problem by throwing enough blacksmiths at it: he summons a hundred thousand of them and has them build a wall as large as a mountain with Yajuj and Majuj on the other side. 

Sekandar comes across a palace of topazes, and in it finds a corpse with the head of a boar. It turns out this is another death/transience of earthly existence omen, and Sekandar freaks out a bit. He seeks comfort in conversation with a talking tree, but the tree tells him he's going to die soon, and without making it back to Greece.

China
The all-conquering army arrives in China, and Sekandar sends his usual "I come in peace, but note the all-conquering army" letter and sends himself as envoy. The emperor of China sends a response berating Sekandar for his lack of humility, and refuses to surrender. He lists Sekandar's shortcomings to the Sekandar-as-envoy, who is ashamed. The Chinese emperor sends extravagant gifts and an invitation to his hospitality; Sekandar accepts, saying that actually, he was quite impressed by the emperor of China.

Babylon, and the end of Sekandar's world tour
The weakening king makes it as far as Babylon. He sends to Arestalis, saying that he's going to invite every non-Greek royal to his court, where he will murder them all. Arestalis writes back telling Sekandar that this is an exceptionally bad plan, and isn't going to do anything to save Greece from future threats, in that if, say, Persia, is critically weakened, then all that will happen is that someone will conquer it and then threaten Greece. Sekandar sees the merit in this, and relents.

A monstrous child is born with the head of a lion; this is taken as an omen that Sekandar will soon be dead. He writes to his mother putting her in charge of Greece unless he happens to have a son by Dara's daughter. He orders Kayd's daughter back to her father.

Sekandar dies in Babylon and, after some bickering among the nobles about the most appropriate burial place, is buried in Alexandria.

As far as Persia is concerned, Sekandar's legacy is two hundred years of peace and prosperity, where there aren't actually any Persian kings. But the Book of Kings picks up again after that...