The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.
Price: Nothin'.
(Previously...)
I have no idea where we left Astolpho, but now he's flying south. Also, east. West, north, up, down. Basically, all over Europe and Africa, in no particular order. He pitches up in Ethiopia.
Astolpho and the harpies from hell
Ethiopia is important, because it has something you don't often find in Africa: a Christian king. Astolpho lands and rides across the golden drawbridge, through the golden gate and up the bejewelled streets. He introduces himself to the king: Senapus, also known as Prester John.
Prester John has a problem, however. He is labouring under a curse: he was struck blind and is beset by harpies. His sin - and it's a big one - was to wage war on God. The king rode his armies into Egypt, up a mountain at the source of the Nile, and into the worldly part of heaven. God opened up heaven's gates, releasing a single angel to destroy the army, and hell's gates, releasing harpies to torment the king. The basic harpy bit has not changed since classical Greece: harass the blind king, foul his food, screech a lot, sort of thing.
The king is very pleased to see - metaphorically - a paladin. He says that, given his sin, asking for remittance is a bit much, but if there's anything Astolpho can do to provide respite, he'll worship him as an angel and the Messiah.
Nah, says Astolpho, I'm just a dude. I'll fight your monsters, but maybe you should save your worship for God?
A banquet is prepared in Astolpho's honour, and sure enough, the harpies gatecrash it. Astolpho turns his sword on them, but they are tough and numerous, and he doesn't win. The meal is ruined.
But Astolpho has another plan. He tells everyone to stuff their ears with wax, and prepare another banquet. He mounts his hippogriff, and just as the harpies arrive for round two, he sounds his horn of terror.
The harpies flee.
Into the pit
The harpies flee into a cave. Astolpho follows them. The cave leads to hell. Astolpho hesitates - is heading into hell really the best plan? But then he figures that his horn of terror has been pretty reliable, and can probably handle anything hell throws at him - up to and including Satan.
In the cave Astolpho faces choking fumes and intangible shades. One of the spirits offers him some breathing space if he'll listen to her tale.
The spirit is Lydia of Lydia, and it turns out that Astolpho is in the hell of faithless women. Lydia tells a tale of seduction, manipulation, bloodshed and betrayal: she pretended to be in love with this guy Alcestes so that he would fight her father's enemies, thinking one of them would probably kill him. Alas, he won every battle, losing all his own friends and allies in the process, and so when he returns, ultimately triumphant, she says that actually she never really loved him.
This is pretty poor behaviour, but eternity in hell seems a bit harsh all the same.
Astolpho briefly considers staying in hell and speaking to more ghosts, but then the smoke rises and he decides that it was a bad idea in the first place.
He has a bit of a wash, and gets on his hippogriff to go check out heaven.
Fruit and flowers
The earthly part of heaven is on top of a mountain in Ethiopia. Astolpho finds that he has an advantage that few knights before him had: a flying steed. Instead of climbing the mountain, he just zips on up.
On the summit of the mountain is a beautiful garden with flowers of precious gems, and trees of fruit and flowers. There's a giant pavilion made of ruby, with an old man waiting for him. This is Saint John the Apostle, and he's very glad to see Astolpho.
Look, says John, Charlemagne's in a bit of trouble, and we want to help, but first you should have something to eat.
Astolpho dines with Saint John, and several old testament prophets. In a true sign of godliness, the prophets make sure the hippogriff has enough to eat first.
"This is great! With fruits like these, no wonder our forefathers couldn't resist!"The next morning, John explains to Astolpho that the problem is Orlando: Orlando isn't smiting Saracens as he should, he's off mooning over some foreign princess. Who isn't even a Christian.
"We don't talk about those two, Astolpho."
So, says Astolpho, I should go give him a good talking to?
No, says John, we need you to go to the moon.
The prophets load the saint and the paladin into a flaming chariot, and send them into orbit.
A knight on the moon (and a word from our sponsor)
The moon is rather more crowded than Astolpho expected, since it's filled with all the things that have been lost on Earth. There are lakes of lovers' tears, bladders full of sighs, piles of old crowns, and so on. John patiently explains all the symbolism, but Astolpho confesses that it's all going over his head. Disappointed, John pulls out a bottle labelled "Orlando's wit" and gives it to Astolpho.
"There's a lot of flasks up here."On the way down, John pops in to say hello to the Fates, busily weaving everyone's destiny. John offers Astolpho a bit of future history, and takes him onward past some allegorical geography.
"There's a lot of stupid folk down there."
But the most important lesson that John the Apostle, John the Evangelist has for Astolpho is this:
Poets are awesome. Poets are special. Where would we be without poets? Poets are the only reliable source of immortality since antiquity. Do you need a poet to tell the story of your glory? If you're thinking everlasting worldly fame, think: Poets! Poets - they're pretty great.Thanks, says Astolpho, but I don't feel that was directed at me.
PS Please remember to pay your poet.
Bradamante at the bridge
Bradamante is still wandering, disconsolate. She has a vague idea to track down Rogero and kill him for his apparent faithlessness, but really she's just miserable.
Flordelice is also miserable, since her Brandimart was captured by Rodomont and imprisoned in a tower. But Flordelice has a mission: find a knight who can defeat Rodomont and free all the tower's captives.
Flordelice is happy to see Bradamante.
Bradamante is happy to have a fight on her hands.
The two ride to the bridge where, sure enough, they are confronted by Rodomont, who explains that he is fighting knights to take their armour and display it on the tower in tribute to the beautiful Isabella, who he murdered.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever fucking heard, says Bradamante.
It's perfectly valid, says Rodomont.
Bradamante says: A better tribute would be to defeat Isabella's murderer in combat and lock him in a tower, which is what I'm going to do.
You're hot, says Rodomont, if I defeat you can I marry you?
Get fucked, you cockwomble, says Bradamante.
They fight.
Bradamante goes into this fight knowing that Rodomont is pretty much the scariest Saracen on the board, but she's ok with that because she's pretty fed up with everything right now. She doesn't actually know that Astolpho's golden lance is magical. It is, though.
Rodomont is unhorsed, and knocked into the middle of the bridge. Bradamante's horse Rabican actually has to dance around the edge of the bridge to avoid trampling him. (Bradamante is nothing if not honourable.)
Rodomont stands up, a little dumbfounded, takes his armour off, and orders his squires to release the prisoners. Bradamante hangs his armour on the tower. The arms on display show that Brandimart, Sansonet and Olivier have been defeated, and a handful of unnamed Saracen knights. The knights themselves are not here. (It's mentioned that Sacripant's arms are here; there was a challenge involving the horse Frontino. Rodomont defeated him and took his arms, but didn't imprison him as a courtesy to a fellow king.)
Bradamante's rescue count: +0
Bradamante asks Flordelice where's she's going next. Flordelice says she's going to head to Arles, where the Saracens are, and maybe get a boat to Africa to find Brandimart.
Bradamante has a bit of a think, and then says that she'll ride with her a part of the way. She gives Flordelice Rodomont's horse, and says, look, there's something I want you to do.
Bradamante's instructions are as follows: Flordelice is to go into the Saracen camp and find Rogero. She's to give Rogero back the horse Frontino, and say that it's a gift from an anonymous knight. Then she's to say that the knight in question thinks Rogero is a faithless arsehole, and wants him to be properly equipped for their imminent duel.
"Call him a stupid fucker if you want to."Bradamante on the plain
Flordelice faithfully carries out the mission, and delivers both Frontino and the challenge to Rogero.
Rogero says, what the fuck?
Like, there's a lot of knights who want to fight Rogero, but he's on first name terms with them, plus they're all on his own side.
It's probably Rodomont, thinks Rogero, but why would Rodomont give me his horse?
Meanwhile, Bradamante is on the plain, shouting out a challenge.
Send Serpentine, says Agramant.
Serpentine gets pasted.
Send Grandonio, says Marsillius.
Grandonio gets pasted.
Look, says Bradamante, we could do this all day - could you send out someone worth fighting?
This pisses Grandonio off, so he has another go.
Grandonio gets pasted again.
I'm serious, says Bradamante.
By now the Saracens are speculating about who this knight actually is. Brandimart, probably, they think. Maybe Rinaldo.
Possibly even Orlando.
Ferrau says that he'll have a go.
You're not who I came to fight, says Bradamante, but at least you're worth fighting.
Ferrau asks, Who do you want to fight?
Rogero, says Bradamante.
Well, says Ferrau, if you win I'll tell him.
Also, says Ferrau, you're very pretty.
Ferrau gets pasted but doesn't mind, since he thinks he's fighting an actual angel.
Ferrau seeks out Rogero. I don't know who that guy is, says Ferrau, but he's really pretty and he wants to fight you.
Well then, says Rogero, let's fight.
Bradamante, Marphisa, and the battle of Arles
Rogero suits up, and is really keen to fight. The other Saracens ask Ferrau if it's Rinaldo out there.
It's not Rinaldo, says Ferrau, but it could be his little brother - except that everyone knows that Richardetto's crap.
Someone says, doesn't Rinaldo have a sister?
Holy shit, says Rogero.
Meanwhile, however, Marphisa has heard that there's a Christian champion looking for fights, and no-one has asked her. And, she reasons, Rogero will probably beat him and then there's no fight for her at all!
Marphisa puts on a phoenix helmet and rides out.
You, says Bradamante, right.
Marphisa is knocked off her horse. Rather than admit defeat, however, she draws her sword and indicates that she wishes to continue the fight.
Oh I will fucking do you, says Bradamante.
They continue to fight; Bradamante does not do Marphisa the courtesy of dismounting. The thing about the golden lance, however, is that it is designed to win jousts, not kill people. All it's really doing is knocking Marphisa down and pissing her off.
At this point the French army wakes up to the fact that there's a fight going on, and charge. Agramant opens the gates, and the Saracens ride out.
Rogero's mental state is complicated. He doesn't want Marphisa to kill Bradamante. He doesn't want Bradamante to kill Marphisa. He also doesn't want his side to lose the battle, but that's way down the list of priorities. He rides in between Marphisa and Bradamante to separate them, and engages with Charlemagne's forces.
Marphisa gets turned around and isn't able to continue her fight, which pisses her the fuck off. Bradamante sees Rogero ride past, and pursues him. She calls him out for his dishonour and faithlessness, and demands that he stand and fight.
Rogero says, what the fuck?
Fight or die, says Bradamante.
They face off, and ride towards each other. Rogero sees just how serious she is. He needs to do something dramatic.
He lowers his shield and turns his heart towards her lance.
At the last minute, she pulls up her own lance, and rides by.
The battle continues, and Bradamante is very much the hero of the day. Unwilling to kill Rogero, she vents her rage on several hundred Saracens. The Saracens rout.
During the mop-up, Rogero rides up, and says, look, can we talk?
Bradamante gallops off into the forest. Rogero follows.
So does Marphisa. Marphisa is worried about Rogero. Also, she's worried that if she lets them go she won't get to fight Bradamante some more.
That's probably her biggest worry, actually.
The forest of love and ghosts
Rogero chases down Bradamante in a grove. Bradamante swears at him. A lot. Then she spots Marphisa, and runs her down with the lance again. This time, she's determined to end her; she dismounts and draws her sword.
Rogero tries to separate them, but can't get in between the flashing blades. Then the women end up dropping their swords and trying to throttle each other, which makes Rogero's task slightly easier. He's able to drag Marphisa away.
There is literally nothing that pisses Marphisa off more than being dragged away from a fight.
Marphisa picks up her sword and goes Rogero.
The fact that Rogero is not dead in seconds impresses Bradamante, as well it should, and the fact that he's actually fighting her at all makes her wonder if she may not have gotten the wrong end of the stick.
Still, he's not fighting to kill, and Marphisa is. She lands a blow on his shield that numbs his arm; he's forced to retaliate heavily. But what should be a killing blow sticks into the stone of a tomb instead.
A ghost appears.
Holy shit, says the ghost, is that Rogero? Marphisa?
It adds, Holy shit, please don't kill each other!
The ghost has a tale to tell. The tale involves a Saracen princess, set adrift in a leaky boat by her wicked brothers by way of assassination. They may or may not have known that she was pregnant.
The murderous plot failed, anyhow, when the boat ran out of sea. The princess gave birth to twins, and died. A passing stranger - the ghost, back in the living days - found the twins. He buried the mother as best he could, and captured a lioness to feed the babies. They thrived, says the ghost, although the lion cubs probably died.
However: the sort-of-family was attacked by robbers! The girl twin was kidnapped!
The ghost - when he was alive - was heartbroken, and swore to do everything he could to protect the boy twin. But, alas, he foresaw that the boy would convert to Christianity and die...
Wait, says Rogero, you're the ghost of Atlantes?
Yeah, says the ghost of Atlantes, I died offscreen after you escaped my knight-trapping dome.
Bugger, says Rogero.
Anyway, says the ghost of Atlantes, before I died I prophesied that you and Marphisa would try and kill each other at my tomb so I petitioned the gods of the underworld...
Wait, says Marphisa, I'm the girl twin?
Yeah, says the Ghost of Atlantes.
Wow, she says, I thought I was just an orphan who had been bought from robbers by an Indian king and raised as his own - hey, wait!
Marphisa asks Rogero to explain their lineage, which Rogero had learned from Atlantes. Rogero explains the descent from Hector of Troy down to Rogero the elder, who fell in love with the warrior-princess Galaciella, daughter of Agolant, King of Africa. She snuck away, converted, and married Rogero pere; this was what made them so murderously angry. Galaciella was set adrift as previously described. The elder Rogero was betrayed by his brother and murdered by the same two Saracens.
Marphisa does some calculations, and realises that this would be Agramant's uncle and father that they're talking about.
She says to Rogero: so you knew all this?
Sure, he says.
And yet, she says, for some reason that I can only assume is cowardice, you never killed Agramant in bloody revenge for wrongs done to our parents, because you're a wuss.
It's complicated, says Rogero, because Agramant is the one who knighted me and murdering one's lord is frowned upon in chivalric circles.
It's not fucking complicated at all, says Marphisa, I'll fucking do it.
Marphisa makes a plan: convert to Christianity like her parents; murder Agramant.
Bradamante likes this plan a lot, and suggests that they both join up with Charlemagne, because honestly that will make her conversation with her parents about her betrothal so much simpler.
Bradamante is pretty happy with this turn of events, actually, because it means there's no real reason to kill either Rogero or Marphisa.
Rogero asks if he can go and hand in his notice to Agramant first.
Fuck's sake, say Marphisa and Bradamante.
Marphisa's law
The three knights are interrupted by screaming. They investigate. What they find is pretty shocking: three women, stripped naked and beaten.
One of them is Ulania, the Queen of the Lost Isle.
Ulania explains that they were set upon in a nearby village. She does not know what has happened to her golden shield, nor her three kings. She intends to find Charlemagne and demand justice.
Justice is here, says Bradamante.
The three knights fashion tunics out of their armour's lining, and carry the women on their horses. They come to a rough settlement that appears to consist entirely of women of all ages.
The women are exiles, they explain. In the town they come from, women have been outlawed. Every one of them was driven out violently, and they have been unable to return for two years. If any of their male family members try to help them, they're arrested and tortured.
Holy fucking shit, says Rogero.
The villain is the Knight Marganor, who has issues with women.
Marganor has always been an arsehole, but he used to have two sons reknowned for their courtesy and niceness. Because of these two, the kingdom was actually a pretty good place. But the first son, Cylander, fell in love with the wife of a visiting Greek knight, and was killed in the resulting joust. The second son, Tanacro, had a similar but more complicated fate: he fell in love with Drusilla, the wife of a visiting noble. There was murder, betrayal, serious head injuries, forced marriage, subterfuge and poison, and Tanacro ended up murdered by Drusilla. At this point, Marganor lost his shit: he drew his sword, killed Drusilla, and continued to murder any woman he saw.
Thus: women are outlawed, and any who approach the town are stripped and beaten.
Bradamante and Marphisa are, at this point, incandescent.
The two ride into town - followed by Rogero - and interupt an execution: the old woman who provided the poison to Drusilla. They learn that Marganor has captured Drusilla's maid, and intends to torture her to death. They grab the old woman and ride up to the castle.
The knights make short work of Marganor's men-at-arms, and Marphisa takes the villain captive. She strips him and gives him to Drusilla's maid to look after. The maid looks after him appropriately.
Rescue count: Marphisa and Bradamante, +1 each.
Bradamante loudly recommends putting all of the townsfolk to the sword; Marphisa argues in favour of putting the town to the torch instead. Unless they're willing to make repeal Marganor's woman-murdering statutes, that is.
It turns out Marphisa is scarier than Marganor.
Now, hear this, she says:
"This is Marphisa's law. All the women you exiled are welcome in this town. Every right a man has, a woman has too. And the women will be running the place, you hear me? I'll be back in a year, and if my law is not in effect, I'm putting the whole place to the torch. Sound fair, Bradamante?"The townsfolk are very keen to demonstrate their commitment to this law, preferably by murdering Marganor. The old woman starts by torturing him with a goad.
"That sounds so fucking fair, Marphisa."
The three knights drag Marganor before Ulania, who sentences him to imprisonment in the tower. The queen is able to recover her treasures from the castle, and finds her three kings imprisoned in the dungeon. The evil law is struck down, and replaced with Marphisa's; Marganor's armour is hung before it.
Ulania remains as queen of the castle, and before long she secretly forces Morganor out of the highest window.
Just to be sure.
Next: Let's settle this.
Rescue tally:
Melissa: 12
Bradamante: 7
Angelica: 7
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Marphisa: 3
Rogero: 2
Rinaldo: 2
