The Myth: Sivrid the Dragon-Slayer! Kriemhilt the Vengeful! Prunhilt the Warrior Queen! Love! Gold! Rings! Treachery! Bitter vengeance! Blood! Violence! So much blood and violence!
The Book: The Nibelungenlied
The Author: An unknown poet (c. 1200)
This text: A prose translation by Cyril Edwards
Price: about $AU20.
The Nibelungenlied is bloody, very bloody. The first half sets up the characters, the relationships and the dynamics that lead to all the blood. The foreshadowing is hilariously heavy: any time anyone is happy, or successful, or sometimes just there, the narrator will point out that everyone is going to die horribly.
The second half is mostly blood.
This is the first half.
Kriemhilt
We are introduced to Kriemhilt of Burgundy as a pretty young lady who is going to get a lot of people killed.
In a dream, Kriemhilt sees herself rearing a falcon, which is ripped apart by eagles. Her mother, Uote, says that it means that she'll marry a good man who will pretty soon die amid a catastrophic descent into bloodshed and horror. Kriemhilt says that she'd rather not marry in that case. Uote says she probably will, that's how things work out, don't worry about it too much. Kriemhilt vows never to fall in love.
This will probably work out fine.
Sivrit
In the Netherlands, a young prince grows up straight and tall and perfect. He is well regarded, for his skill at arms, his lovely clothes, and his tremendous prettiness. This is Sivrit, who is knighted with great and elaborate ceremony. His parents immediately start grooming him to take over the throne, and his dad Sigmunt suggests that he might want to get married to one of the seven hundred women who have offered.
Sivrit, however, decides that he wants to marry the most beautiful woman in the world, who he understands to be Kriemhilt of Burgundy. He's never met her, but his heart is set.
Sivrit's mother, Siglint, suggests that this is a bad idea. Burgundy is full of psychos, she says. Kriemhilt's brothers - Gunther, Gernot and Giselher - are psychos. Their henchman Hagen is a psycho. Basically, everyone he's likely to come into contact with in Burgundy is a psycho.
Sivrit points out that he has a wide range of options at his disposal: if he is unsuccessful using diplomacy, he can always resort to violence.
This will probably work out fine.
Sivrit's backstory
Sivrit is already a little bit famous: as he and his train arrive in Burgundy, Hagen of Tronege relates his story.
Once upon a time, Sivrit met the two princes of the dwarfish Nibelungs, Schilbunc and Nibelunc. These two had pulled all their gold out of a mountain and were bickering about how to share it. Since they couldn't decide, they asked Sivrit, giving him the invincible magic sword Balmunc as a reward. However, the Nibelungs weren't happy with how Sivrit had shared out the treasure, so they ambushed him with twelve giants.
Thing is, they'd just armed him with an invincible magic sword.
Twelve giants and several hundred dwarves later, Sivrit found himself ruler of the Nibelungs. This didn't sit well with Albrich, the king of the dwarves, who put on his magical cloak of invisibility and attacked him.
One more dwarf later, Sivrit was king of the Nibelungs with a cloak of invisibility and Albrich as his chamberlain, treasurer and sworn vassal.
Then he killed a dragon and bathed in his blood, making him invulnerable.
He's a dick, adds Hagen, but we probably shouldn't piss him off.
Gunther and company ride out to meet Sivrit, and ask him what he's doing in Burgundy.
I've come to conquer all your lands, says Sivrit.
Fuck off, says Gunther.
Then can I marry your sister? asks Sivrit.
...maybe, says Gunther.
This will probably all work out fine.
War
Burgundy is currently being menaced by Saxons and Danes, led by the brothers Liudeger and Liudegast. A messenger says that Gunther has offended the brothers, and that they will bring their armies.
Never heard of them, says Gunther.
This does not please the messenger.
Gunther summons his brothers and his vassals and asks for their counsel.
Hagen says: Seems to me you've got two problems - Saxons sniffing around your borders, and Sivrit sniffing around your sister. You could solve at least one of these problems by putting Sivrit in your vanguard against the Saxons.
Everyone rides out to war. Sivrit outmanouvers the Danes and falls on their rearguard; he is pleasantly surprised to find Liudegast there. Liudegast begs for his life, and is taken prisoner.
The Burgundian host then falls on the Saxons. Liudeger is caught in a pincer movement between Sivrit and Hagen, and falls back. He is a bit put out that his brother has been captured, and tries to rally his troops, but after half a day fighting Sivrit he finally recognises his heraldry and surrenders.
Sivrit is very much regarded as the hero of the battle. Word of his deeds comes back to Kriemhilt, who asks for a full account of the battle, with special mention of Sivrit's prettiness.
Hagen, meanwhile, is pissed off that his plan to eliminate Sivrit has instead just raised his stocks through the roof.
Gunther treats his royal prisoners extravagantly, making sure they're well fed and comfortable, and that their surviving troops are healed and looked after. They are suitably chastened and impressed, but when they ask to go home Gunther refuses: there's going to be a huge celebration of their victory.
That sounds just dandy, says Liudeger.
Kriemhilt is very excited about the upcoming party, and prepares wonderful garments as gifts for the heroes. Especially Sivrit. She asks for very precise measurements.
This will probably all work out fine.
Wooing I
At the celebration, Sivrit sees Kriemhilt for the first time. On the one hand, he is pretty pleased that she is as lovely as he'd heard. On the other, he's quite upset that he doesn't actually have permission to approach her.
Gernot says to Gunther, Dude - the guy saved our fucking arses in that battle, the least you could do is let him say hello to our sister.
Fine, says Gunther, fucking fine.
Sivrit and Kriemhilt are allowed to approach each other. They take advantage of the formal ceremony to send subtle signals to each other. Those signals say: I think you're hot.
They spend a lot of time together. Officially, Kriemhilt is expressing gratitude to Sivrit for keeping her kinsmen and country safe from marauders.
Unofficially, the court is able to read between the lines.
Kriemhilt's mother does remind her of her oath to never fall in love. Kriemhilt returns with a compelling argument: Sivrit is terribly pretty.
Eventually Liudeger and Liudegast ask if they can go home. On Sivrit's advice, Gunther releases them on the condition that they swear an oath never to attack again. They also offer quite a lot of gold in ransom, but it's the oath that clinches it.
Sivrit, however, begins to feel that his suit isn't getting anywhere: Kriemhilt's all for it, but he can't get any word from Gunther. He too asks for leave to head home, but Giselher persuades him to stick around for the sake of his friends.
He agrees.
Meaning that he gets to see Kriemhilt every single day. Without being allowed to woo her.
This will probably work out fine.
Wooing II
Gunther, meanwhile, hears about a land of beautiful warrior-women, and decides he wants to marry their queen.
Gunther, no, says Sivrit, Iceland is full of psychos and their queen is the worst of the lot.
Hagen contemplates the idea of a land of psychos terrible enough to give Sivrit pause.
Hey, he says, if Sivrit's been to Iceland and met their queen, maybe he should be your guide.
That's a great idea, says Gunther.
Let's bring Hagen as well, says Sivrit.
What, says Hagen.
So everyone dresses up nicely and sails off to woo Prunhilt for Gunther. Dancwart, Hagen's younger brother, comes too.
(A note: It's never exactly stated that Prunhilt is Sivrit's ex, but it's vaguely implied. Apparently in other versions of the myth it's rather more obvious and explicit.)
The party of four rocks up to Prunhilt's castle, which is huge, and is defended as advertised by beautiful women with very big spears. Sivrit explains carefully that they shouldn't piss anyone off, and eventually they are brought before the queen.
Hey Sivrit, she says, what are you doing here? Ya wooin'?
I'd like you to meet my uh, liege, Gunther of Burgundy, he says, and recommend him as a bridegroom.
When everyone has finished laughing, Prunhilt asks is he knows what that entails. The trials and shit.
He'll do your trials, says Hagen.
Well then, says Prunhilt.
What? says Gunther.
You've got to defeat her in combat, says Sivrit.
Oh, says Gunther.
This will probably work out fine.
The Wooing Arena
They enter the Wooing Arena. Prunhilt has armoured up; her armour is impressive, all gold and silks and thick steel. Her shield and weapons are huge. She brandishes her spear.
Holy shit, says Gunther, that's a big spear.
Holy fuck, says Gunther, she's going to kill me.
Psst, says a voice at his elbow, it's me, Sivrit. I have a cloak of invisibility and I'd like to talk to you about your sister.
What the fuck, says Gunther, this isn't the best time.
But hey, says Sivrit, wouldn't it be really great if you had an invisible, invulnerable, impossibly strong hero on your side right now?
You make a compelling argument, says Gunther.
Prunhilt throws her spear. Sivrit, invisible, catches it and throws it back, careful not to actually pierce her with it.
Prunhilt follows with a boulder, and a mighty leap following it. Sivrit catches the boulder and throws it away, even further, with Gunther miming. Then Sivrit joins battle with a leap, carrying Gunther with him. Sivrit puppets Gunther through a wrestling match, which he - they - wins.
Wow, says Prunhilt, guess you're King of Iceland now, Gunther my boy.
That's great, says Sivrit, even though I didn't see any of what happened - we should head back to the Rhineland now.
Oh no, says Prunhilt, that wasn't part of the deal.
Prunhilt starts summoning her vassals, who bring their armies. Gunther is a little worried by this.
Um, says Sivrit, be right back.
Sivrit pisses off back to the land of the Nibelungs. There he finds the dwarf Albrich on the throne. They fight, and Sivrit wins.
Didn't you recognise me? says Sivrit.
Oh, it's you, says Albrich, you should have said.
Sivrit has Albrich raise an army of three thousand men, who set sail back to Iceland. He is able to convince Prunhilt that these are Gunther's forces, and that maybe they should all head back to Burgundy real nice like.
This will probably work out fine.
Burgundy nights
The party returns to Burgundy. Gunther tells Kriemhilt that he's decided she can marry Sivrit.
About fucking time, she says.
After the wedding, Sivrit and Kriemhilt retire to their bedroom. Gunther makes suggestive eyebrow motions at Prunhilt. Prunhilt takes Gunther back to their room, where she beats him up, binds him with leather thongs, hangs him from a nail and gets a good night's sleep.
It's nothing personal, she says the next morning, it's just that I don't find you very impressive and my strength is tied to my virginity.
After church the next day, Sivrit and Gunther get to talking. Sivrit is in a very good mood. Gunther is not. Sivrit asks him what's up - surely he is as happy with his new wife as Sivrit is with his?
Thing is, says Gunther, she, uh, beat me up, tied me up with leather thongs and hung me from a nail.
After some thought Sivrit says: wouldn't it be great if you had an invisible, invulnerable, impossibly strong hero on your side right now?
Gunther glares at him.
Oh, says Sivrit, I don't mean I'd... I mean, no, not with all the great sex I'm having with your sister. I just want to help you out. I feel I owe you, what with all the great sex I'm having with your sister. I sure am having great sex with your sister.
Gunther mumbles a response.
That night, Sivrit tells Gunther to make sure the lights are out. Gunther hides in a corner while Sivrit sneaks into the room. Prunhilt warns "Gunther" that if he tries anything tonight he'll get the same treatment. A wrestling match ensues; Prunhilt almost immediately gets the upper hand, until Sivrit sees red and throws her down onto the bed.
Wow, Gunther, says Prunhilt, you're so much less pathetic than you were last night!
Sivrit takes this as his cue to leave, and Gunther takes over. He is, happily, a better lover than a fighter, and Prunhilt is not unsatisfied.
Still. Before he leaves, Sivrit decides - for reasons that are never satisfactorily explained - to take her ring and her shift.
It will probably all work out fine.
Tension and Intrigue
Sivrit and Kriemhilt head back to the Netherlands. They are very welcome. Sigmunt decides that the time has come to hand over his crown to his son, and Sivrit is made king. As queen, Kriemhilt is much loved and incredibly wealthy, thanks to Sivrit's hoard of Nibelung gold.
Sivrit and Kriemhilt have a son, who they call Gunther, which is quite sweet of them.
Gunther and Prunhilt have a son, who they call Sivrit, which is quite sweet of them.
Gunther decides to host a festival, and invites his sister and her husband. They are very pleased to attend.
However: Prunhilt and Kriemhilt do not get on.
The key to this is the wooing episode, which led to Prunhilt losing most of her strength and possibly her kingdom, over which she may still bear some subconscious resentment. Crucially, during that whole episode Sivrit was presented as Gunther's bondsman and vassal, and nobody has corrected the record.
So when he turns up at the festival acting like a king, Prunhilt feels justified in giving Kriemhilt a passive-aggressive serve.
However, Kriemhilt - actually a queen - does not take kindly to this, and returns fire. This escalates until Kriemhilt lets loose something that can not be taken back: How come my husband has your underwear and jewellery? Is it because you're a big fat slut?
Prunhilt has no actual idea why Sivrit has her underwear and jewellery, and as far as she's concerned this is utter, utter libel, and possibly theft and treason as well. The two queens part on extremely frosty terms.
Hagen sidles up to Prunhilt and says, what was all that about?
Prunhilt tells her side of the story. Hagen suggests that maybe things would be better if Sivrit weren't around.
Prunhilt does not disagree.
Hagen sidles up to Kriemhilt and says, hey, does Sivrit have any weaknesses?
Kriemhilt, who has been friends with Hagen since childhood and has no reason to mistrust him except for his personality and his weird closeness with her brother's psycho wife, says, yeah.
It turns out that when Sivrit killed the dragon and bathed in its blood, there was a linden leaf on his shoulder, and that spot is theoretically vulnerable. Kriemhilt is always worried that a stray spear is going to hit him in exactly that spot and he'll die.
Hagen suggests that if maybe she sewed a little mark on his tunic over the exact spot, Hagen and the boys could look out for him, make sure nothing goes near it.
Kriemhilt says that sounds entirely reasonable, and thanks him for being such a true and loyal friend.
This will probably all work out fine.
Things do not work out fine
Hagen fosters rumours that Liudeger and Liudegast are planning to attack again. Sivrit immediately volunteers to lead the vanguard, just like last time. This serves to separate Sivrit from his own knights.
Hagen also lets Gunther know that Sivrit is behind the tensions between Kriemhilt and Prunhilt. This sends Gunther into a dark mood, believing that Sivrit has betrayed the secret of his wedding night.
Once they've ridden out, Hagen tells Sivrit that the war has been called off, and they should go hunting instead. Sivrit thinks this is a great idea, and immediately hunts down some boars, a lion, some aurochs, wild bulls, and a live bear, which is soon a dead bear. He's a bit puffed out after all of this and suggests that they stop for a drink.
Oh no, says Gunther, Hagen forgot to order the wine.
Don't worry, says Sivrit, I found a spring nearby.
Let's race, says Hagen.
Everyone strips down to their tunics. Sivrit wins the race, but offers Gunther and Hagen the first drinks.
Gunther accepts, but Hagen says: Oh no. After you.
As Sivrid lays down to drink, Hagen takes his javelin and spears him through the mark on his tunic.
You fucker, says Sivrid.
And dies.
Next: Blood. So much blood.
Saturday, 29 October 2016
Friday, 7 October 2016
Ragin' Roland X: The End
The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic
swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence,
irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.
Price: Nothin'.
(Previously...)
Woe, woe
Bradamante is unhappy. The battle is over, the Saracens have fled, her brothers are safe - but Rogero has disappeared.
She does not suffer in silence: the seer Melissa cops an earful for prophecies that are obviously crap; Marphisa gets an earful for a brother who is obviously likewise.
Marphisa shrugs. Rogero can probably explain himself, and if he can't, she'll kill him, that's all.
A quest for ... love?
Rinaldo, meanwhile, has remembered that he was in love with Angelica as a result of a magic fountain, and wonders what she's up to these days. He decides to ask Malagigi. Malagigi, himself sweet on the shifty princess, is actually brooding on that same subject. He decides that, honestly, if she'd been at all interested she'd had plenty of opportunity to say so; she's just not that into him. Instead of advising Rinaldo that she's not that into him either, he agrees to summon a demon to track her down.
The demon he summons is a bit of an expert on matters of the heart, and it recognises the effects of the love/hate fountains.
It's not going to work, says the demon. For one thing, she hates him; for another, she just got married to a Moorish soldier; plus also, she's gone to India.
Rinaldo is not one to take no for an answer. He storms out, and asks Charlemagne if he can be given leave from court.
Why, says Charlemagne.
Because, uh, Gradasso nicked my horse, says Rinaldo, and took it to Ind... to Sericane.
Dudon and Guido offer to come with him, but Rinaldo says, nah, guys, it's cool.
Are you sure, they say.
Fucking leave me alone, says Rinaldo.
No sooner does Rinaldo enter the forest of Arden, however, when he's attacked by a monster - a woman made entirely of snakes. He tries to take her on, but this thing is actually weird enough to freak him out. He's unable to land a blow, and at the same time she keeps chucking snakes at him. When one gets into his visor, he considers it time to pissbolt.
This doesn't help, however, because the monster leaps onto his horse and continues the assault even as he flees.
Things begin to look bleak for our hero, but in the nick of time a stranger knight appears and takes up the fight. Rinaldo gratefully flees as the stranger forces the monster back to hell.
The two ride on for a bit. Rinaldo asks the stranger who he is; the stranger declines to answer. They arrive at the magic fountains of love and hate, where the stranger recommends they rest. Rinaldo agrees, and takes a drink from the fountain of hate.
Immediately, his love for Angelica falls away.
Right, says the stranger, now I can tell you who I am. He introduces himself as the allegorical figure Disdain, sent to break Rinaldo's chains of love. Then he vanishes.
Right then, says Rinaldo, I'd better go to Sericane and get my horse back.
Further allegorical adventures
Rinaldo soon hears about the duel between Orlando and co. and Gradasso etc., and resolves to head there at once. He rides as fast as he can, changing horses every ten miles, but eventually he decides to stop for the night.
Conveniently, he meets another stranger knight, who asks him if he's married.
It happens that I am, says Rinaldo.
Excellent, says the stranger, if you stay at my castle I'll show you something that will interest you.
The stranger's castle is large and luxurious, and is full of future-history statues of renowned, virtuous women. The stranger sits Rinaldo down to dinner, and starts to weep.
What's up, says Rinaldo.
In reply, the stranger presents a golden, gem-encrusted cup. This is a magic cup, he says, and you can only drink from it if your wife is faithful - but usually it spills everywhere.
Women suck, he adds.
Rinaldo, who was until recently questing after a woman who was not his wife, is reluctant to try the cup.
Actually, he says, I don't think I want to know.
People suck, really, he adds.
Wish I'd done that, says the stranger.
He tells his tale: how the sorceress Melissa - presumably the same one, but acting somewhat out of character - fell in love with him, how she gave him the magic cup, how she convinced him his wife was unfaithful even though he could drink from it. How Melissa disguised him as someone else, allowing him to prove his wife's unfaithfulness by seducing her, and how she ran off with the man that he'd been disguised as. How he told Melissa that she could go fuck herself.
Melissa does not come off well in this story.
So now he invites married men to his castle, so he can laugh at them when they spill wine on themselves.
That sucks, mate, says Rinaldo, but don't you think you're taking it all a bit too hard? I mean, Melissa fucked you over, you fucked your wife over, your wife fucked you over, and you fucked Melissa over. You've got to be philosophical, yeah?
Yeah, says the stranger, you're probably right.
The stranger loads Rinaldo into a magic boat, and sends him on his way.
Aboard the ship, Rinaldo discusses the incident with a sailor, wondering if he should have tried the cup after all.
Probably not, says the sailor, who then goes off into a long comic tale of infidelity and justice.
Everyone talks too much, says Rinaldo.
Reunion
Rinaldo travels across Europe until at last he finds Orlando and Olivier, and travels with them back to Biserta. They decide to bring the wounded Sobrino with them; they can't just abandon him, Saracen or no. Sansonet and Astolpho are pleased to see them, but are dismayed that Brandimart is not with them.
They carefully break the news to Flordelice who, thanks to a prophetic dream, is already dressed in mourning.
She is not happy.
An elaborate funeral is held for Brandimart, and Orlando vows to look after Flordelice.
The knights start making their way home, but Olivier's wound is troubling him; the captain of their ship says he knows of a hermit on an island who is pretty whiz at magic cures, probably. Orlando agrees to change course, and they head for the island.
Given that the wounds were received while defending the faith - more or less - the hermit agrees to heal Olivier's foot.
Witnessing the miracle, Sobrino decides to convert himself - and finds himself miraculous cured and all.
Oh by the way, says the hermit, this is Rogero - he's one of your lot now.
Roland sends to the ship for some food, and everyone feasts.
That's a coincidence, says Rinaldo, I had a duel with a guy called Rogero, he was awesome.
Same guy, says Sobrino.
Rogero is inducted into the company. Rinaldo says that he can marry his sister if he wants; Orlando and Olivier agree.
Everyone returns home - Astolpho via Ethiopia, by hippogriff - and Rogero is taken to introduced to Charlemagne. His parentage is established and he is welcomed as a son.
Well, a nephew.
Well, technically kin.
Rogero is overjoyed to see his sister - and delighted to see Bradamante. They embrace.
This confuses Charlemagne considerably, because he and Duke Aymon, Bradamante's father, have just promised the Emperor of Greece that she'll marry his son, Leo.
One last wrinkle
There is a conversation. Rinaldo patiently explains to his father that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Orlando patiently explains to his uncle that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Olivier and Sobrino weigh in, patiently explaining that everyone has agreed that Bradamante can marry Rogero. Aymon patiently explains to his son and nephew and everyone else that they can fuck off.
Bradamante's mother Beatrice explains that an Emperor's son is better than some random vagrant ex-Saracen knight. She is not patient.
Bradamante is torn between filial duty and her love for Rogero. She's actually a bit shocked that no-one is listening to Rinaldo and Orlando: surely if those two fuckheads agree on something, people should pay attention.
Rogero weighs up his options. These are:
Bradamante, meanwhile, goes to Charlemagne.
Am I, or am I not, a fucking knight, she says.
What's your point, he says.
I want a boon, she says.
Sure, he says, what do you want?
I'm not marrying any fucker who can't beat me in combat, she says.
That's fair enough, actually, says the king.
Aymon and Beatrice are not at all pleased. They lock Bradamante in a tower. Technically, she's free to go any time she wants, but they tell her they'll be very disappointed if she leaves.
And when Charlemagne announces the boon to the court, Bradamante immediately wants to tell Rogero.
Except he's fucked off without telling anyone.
Fuck, she says. The fucking fucker.
Eastward ho!
Having decided to kill Leo, Rogero heads east. He finds himself near Belgrade, where the Greek army is engaged with the Bulgars. The Greeks are trying to bridge the Save, and the Bulgars are stopping them. However, the Greek army is a hell of a lot bigger than the Bulgarian one, so while the Bulgar's king Vatran is stopping the main army, Leo takes a force the long way round and charges their flank.
Vadran does not survive. The Bulgar army starts to rout.
Rogero sees his chance: he rides in and rallies the breaking Bulgars. He runs his lance through one of Constantine's nephews, and through sheer manliness and valour turns the tide of the battle.
Leo, watching from a nearby tower, is pretty damned impressed by what he sees. I mean, sure, this guy is on the wrong side, but what an artist! What a genius! What a manly and valorous man!
The Bulgars are victorious and the Greeks retreat. Rather than hang around and have the boring adoration of the Bulgars impede his prevenge, Rogero decides to press on into Belgrade. He takes to an inn, where a Greek soldier promptly recognises his livery and runs off to the local lord, Ungiardo. Ungiardo waits until he's asleep, and captures him.
Emperor Constantine is delighted that this brand new hero of the Bulgars has been delivered to him so quickly. So is his sister Theodora, whose son was killed by Rogero in the battle. Constantine hands Rogero over to Theodora, who has him tortured and imprisoned.
A debt of honour
Leo learns that Rogero has been captured, and is being held by his demented aunt.
This isn't right, he thinks. He bribes the guard and strangles the torturer, and releases Rogero.
Leo's rescue count: +1
Hi, he says, I'm Leo and I think you're awesome.
Fuck, says Rogero, I guess I owe you my life. Fuck.
Leo explains that, if this is a life debt situation, he has a problem that Rogero can help with.
See, he says, my father got me engaged to this French knight, and she won't marry anyone who can't beat her in combat, and, look, she sounds like a complete fucking psycho.
Only, he adds, you're completely fucking awesome - can you disguise yourself as me and fight her for me?
Sure, says Rogero, I guess I have to. Fuck.
A fight for love and glory
Leo and Rogero head back to France. A tourney is arranged. Rogero opts to start with sword - not because Bradamante has a magic invincible lance, but because he doesn't want her to recognise his horse Frontino. He's also careful to take a sword which isn't his normal magical one.
The battle begins, and Bradamante does not hold back. She assails the presumed Leo viciously; only the fact that Rogero is completely encased in unbreakable armour saves him. He's careful to look like he's fighting, but he doesn't want to land a serious blow.
Charlemagne and court are terribly impressed at this Greek's fortitude. Eventually, some time after sunset, the king says he reckons that's enough. While technically he was supposed to beat her, not dying is actually probably sufficient. Bradamante must marry Leo.
Rogero goes back to Leo and tells him that he's won, and then goes sulking off into the forest. Bradamante, meanwhile, considers her options. These are:
This pisses Marphisa off no end, and she goes and confronts Charlemagne.
You fucking suck, she says, Rogero and Bradamante were totally married in secret beforehand in front of me and I am totally a witness.
Charlemagne calls Bradamante down and asks her if it's true; Bradamante is evasive. Orlando and Rinaldo declare that they are totally convinced by Marphisa's totally plausible story. Aymon declares that he is not.
Well fuck you lot, says Marphisa, if this fucking Greek wants to marry my sister-in-law I'll fucking kill him myself.
A resolution at last
Someone explains to Leo that he's going to need to fight Marphisa.
Fuuuck, says Leo. He takes off in desperate search of Rogero, his champion.
He finds Melissa instead.
Melissa explains that Rogero is probably dying of grief. She explains why.
Well that fucking sucks, says Leo.
Melissa leads Leo through the forest to where Rogero is, curled up in the foetal position.
Hey, man, says Leo gently, have you got something to say?
Hey, says Rogero.
Rogero explains everything; how he rode to Hungary to kill Leo, how he got captured and rescued himself, how he acted as champion so that Leo could marry Bradamante, and how fucked up the whole thing is.
You should have fucking said something, man, says Leo, I didn't really want to marry her anyway.
Leo says that the whole thing is political from his point of view, to ally the Greek empire with Charlemagne's kingdom. He says he really doesn't want to let politics get in the way of his best friend's happiness.
Look, he says, you should totally marry Bradamante - you earned it and everything.
Also, he adds, I don't want to fight your fucking psycho sister.
Melissa, Leo and Rogero ride back to Paris. On the way, they meet an emissary from the Bulgars who is looking for Rogero.
Hey look, says the Bulgar, you were awesome back in that battle back there, like amazing, and since we don't exactly have a king at the moment, we were wondering if you'd be up for the gig?
Sure, says Leo, he'd love to.
Leo takes Rogero back to Charlemagne and says: Look, this guy actually won the fight with Bradamante, and guess what, he's the king of Bulgaria and a close personal friend of the Greek crown prince.
Leo tells the story of Rogero's valour back at Belgrade, and explains how he came to be fighting on behalf of the son of the Greek emperor. Everyone is terribly impressed; even Beatrice relents when she learns that Rogero is a king.
Bradamante and Rogero are finally married. Rogero swears fealty to Charlemagne, Melissa blesses the marital bed, and everyone is happy - even if the prophecy says it won't last.
The end.
One last battle
Well, almost.
Just as everyone is settling down to live happily ever after, Rodomont turns up. He accuses Rogero of abandoning his king, and demands satisfaction. They fight; Rodomont is stronger and dominates the duel, until Rogero is able to use a fancy wrestling move to slam Rodomont to the ground. Rogero demands Rodomont yield; Rodomont does not.
So Rodomont dies at Rogero's hand.
The end, for real.
Final rescue tally:
Astolpho: 14
Melissa: 12
Rogero: 9
Bradamante: 7
Angelica: 7
Orlando: 3
Marphisa: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Leo: 1
--
Well, this was...epic. It was fun, it was funny, it was exciting, it was absolutely fascinating. There was the sense that the poet Ariosto was enjoying himself. I developed a real affection for the characters, especially stoic, heroic Bradamante; gleefully violent Marphisa; bold, good-natured Astolpho; and stupid, stupid Rogero. I loved the little knots and threads of criss-crossing storylines, and the singing and fighting and monsters and allegories and allusions and digressions and just the grandness, the knight-in-shining-armour-ness of it all.
I do wonder if I'm doing Bradamante an injustice by summarising ten verses of poetical lamentation as "Fuck the fucking fucker!" but fuck it, she's never a wilting maiden; she's a knight, first and foremost, and she has to put up with some serious bullshit.
Next: Gold and Germans.
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.
Price: Nothin'.
(Previously...)
Woe, woe
Bradamante is unhappy. The battle is over, the Saracens have fled, her brothers are safe - but Rogero has disappeared.
She does not suffer in silence: the seer Melissa cops an earful for prophecies that are obviously crap; Marphisa gets an earful for a brother who is obviously likewise.
Marphisa shrugs. Rogero can probably explain himself, and if he can't, she'll kill him, that's all.
A quest for ... love?
Rinaldo, meanwhile, has remembered that he was in love with Angelica as a result of a magic fountain, and wonders what she's up to these days. He decides to ask Malagigi. Malagigi, himself sweet on the shifty princess, is actually brooding on that same subject. He decides that, honestly, if she'd been at all interested she'd had plenty of opportunity to say so; she's just not that into him. Instead of advising Rinaldo that she's not that into him either, he agrees to summon a demon to track her down.
The demon he summons is a bit of an expert on matters of the heart, and it recognises the effects of the love/hate fountains.
It's not going to work, says the demon. For one thing, she hates him; for another, she just got married to a Moorish soldier; plus also, she's gone to India.
Rinaldo is not one to take no for an answer. He storms out, and asks Charlemagne if he can be given leave from court.
Why, says Charlemagne.
Because, uh, Gradasso nicked my horse, says Rinaldo, and took it to Ind... to Sericane.
Dudon and Guido offer to come with him, but Rinaldo says, nah, guys, it's cool.
Are you sure, they say.
Fucking leave me alone, says Rinaldo.
No sooner does Rinaldo enter the forest of Arden, however, when he's attacked by a monster - a woman made entirely of snakes. He tries to take her on, but this thing is actually weird enough to freak him out. He's unable to land a blow, and at the same time she keeps chucking snakes at him. When one gets into his visor, he considers it time to pissbolt.
This doesn't help, however, because the monster leaps onto his horse and continues the assault even as he flees.
Things begin to look bleak for our hero, but in the nick of time a stranger knight appears and takes up the fight. Rinaldo gratefully flees as the stranger forces the monster back to hell.
The two ride on for a bit. Rinaldo asks the stranger who he is; the stranger declines to answer. They arrive at the magic fountains of love and hate, where the stranger recommends they rest. Rinaldo agrees, and takes a drink from the fountain of hate.
Immediately, his love for Angelica falls away.
Right, says the stranger, now I can tell you who I am. He introduces himself as the allegorical figure Disdain, sent to break Rinaldo's chains of love. Then he vanishes.
Right then, says Rinaldo, I'd better go to Sericane and get my horse back.
Further allegorical adventures
Rinaldo soon hears about the duel between Orlando and co. and Gradasso etc., and resolves to head there at once. He rides as fast as he can, changing horses every ten miles, but eventually he decides to stop for the night.
Conveniently, he meets another stranger knight, who asks him if he's married.
It happens that I am, says Rinaldo.
Excellent, says the stranger, if you stay at my castle I'll show you something that will interest you.
The stranger's castle is large and luxurious, and is full of future-history statues of renowned, virtuous women. The stranger sits Rinaldo down to dinner, and starts to weep.
What's up, says Rinaldo.
In reply, the stranger presents a golden, gem-encrusted cup. This is a magic cup, he says, and you can only drink from it if your wife is faithful - but usually it spills everywhere.
Women suck, he adds.
Rinaldo, who was until recently questing after a woman who was not his wife, is reluctant to try the cup.
Actually, he says, I don't think I want to know.
People suck, really, he adds.
Wish I'd done that, says the stranger.
He tells his tale: how the sorceress Melissa - presumably the same one, but acting somewhat out of character - fell in love with him, how she gave him the magic cup, how she convinced him his wife was unfaithful even though he could drink from it. How Melissa disguised him as someone else, allowing him to prove his wife's unfaithfulness by seducing her, and how she ran off with the man that he'd been disguised as. How he told Melissa that she could go fuck herself.
Melissa does not come off well in this story.
So now he invites married men to his castle, so he can laugh at them when they spill wine on themselves.
That sucks, mate, says Rinaldo, but don't you think you're taking it all a bit too hard? I mean, Melissa fucked you over, you fucked your wife over, your wife fucked you over, and you fucked Melissa over. You've got to be philosophical, yeah?
Yeah, says the stranger, you're probably right.
The stranger loads Rinaldo into a magic boat, and sends him on his way.
Aboard the ship, Rinaldo discusses the incident with a sailor, wondering if he should have tried the cup after all.
Probably not, says the sailor, who then goes off into a long comic tale of infidelity and justice.
Everyone talks too much, says Rinaldo.
Reunion
Rinaldo travels across Europe until at last he finds Orlando and Olivier, and travels with them back to Biserta. They decide to bring the wounded Sobrino with them; they can't just abandon him, Saracen or no. Sansonet and Astolpho are pleased to see them, but are dismayed that Brandimart is not with them.
They carefully break the news to Flordelice who, thanks to a prophetic dream, is already dressed in mourning.
She is not happy.
An elaborate funeral is held for Brandimart, and Orlando vows to look after Flordelice.
The knights start making their way home, but Olivier's wound is troubling him; the captain of their ship says he knows of a hermit on an island who is pretty whiz at magic cures, probably. Orlando agrees to change course, and they head for the island.
Given that the wounds were received while defending the faith - more or less - the hermit agrees to heal Olivier's foot.
Witnessing the miracle, Sobrino decides to convert himself - and finds himself miraculous cured and all.
Oh by the way, says the hermit, this is Rogero - he's one of your lot now.
Roland sends to the ship for some food, and everyone feasts.
That's a coincidence, says Rinaldo, I had a duel with a guy called Rogero, he was awesome.
Same guy, says Sobrino.
Rogero is inducted into the company. Rinaldo says that he can marry his sister if he wants; Orlando and Olivier agree.
"Sure, guys. Wasn't asking you, but whatever."Orlando gives Rogero back his arms and horse, plus one of the magic swords. (I'm not sure which, I've lost track.)
Everyone returns home - Astolpho via Ethiopia, by hippogriff - and Rogero is taken to introduced to Charlemagne. His parentage is established and he is welcomed as a son.
Well, a nephew.
Well, technically kin.
Rogero is overjoyed to see his sister - and delighted to see Bradamante. They embrace.
This confuses Charlemagne considerably, because he and Duke Aymon, Bradamante's father, have just promised the Emperor of Greece that she'll marry his son, Leo.
One last wrinkle
There is a conversation. Rinaldo patiently explains to his father that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Orlando patiently explains to his uncle that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Olivier and Sobrino weigh in, patiently explaining that everyone has agreed that Bradamante can marry Rogero. Aymon patiently explains to his son and nephew and everyone else that they can fuck off.
Bradamante's mother Beatrice explains that an Emperor's son is better than some random vagrant ex-Saracen knight. She is not patient.
Bradamante is torn between filial duty and her love for Rogero. She's actually a bit shocked that no-one is listening to Rinaldo and Orlando: surely if those two fuckheads agree on something, people should pay attention.
Rogero weighs up his options. These are:
- Ride real quick to Greece and try to explain things to Emperor Constantine.
- Kill Aymon.
2a. Kill everyone who tries to kill him for killing Aymon, up to and including Rinaldo and possibly including Bradamante. - Kill Leo.
- Kill himself.
- Give up the whole thing in despair.
Bradamante, meanwhile, goes to Charlemagne.
Am I, or am I not, a fucking knight, she says.
What's your point, he says.
I want a boon, she says.
Sure, he says, what do you want?
I'm not marrying any fucker who can't beat me in combat, she says.
That's fair enough, actually, says the king.
Aymon and Beatrice are not at all pleased. They lock Bradamante in a tower. Technically, she's free to go any time she wants, but they tell her they'll be very disappointed if she leaves.
And when Charlemagne announces the boon to the court, Bradamante immediately wants to tell Rogero.
Except he's fucked off without telling anyone.
Fuck, she says. The fucking fucker.
Eastward ho!
Having decided to kill Leo, Rogero heads east. He finds himself near Belgrade, where the Greek army is engaged with the Bulgars. The Greeks are trying to bridge the Save, and the Bulgars are stopping them. However, the Greek army is a hell of a lot bigger than the Bulgarian one, so while the Bulgar's king Vatran is stopping the main army, Leo takes a force the long way round and charges their flank.
Vadran does not survive. The Bulgar army starts to rout.
Rogero sees his chance: he rides in and rallies the breaking Bulgars. He runs his lance through one of Constantine's nephews, and through sheer manliness and valour turns the tide of the battle.
Leo, watching from a nearby tower, is pretty damned impressed by what he sees. I mean, sure, this guy is on the wrong side, but what an artist! What a genius! What a manly and valorous man!
The Bulgars are victorious and the Greeks retreat. Rather than hang around and have the boring adoration of the Bulgars impede his prevenge, Rogero decides to press on into Belgrade. He takes to an inn, where a Greek soldier promptly recognises his livery and runs off to the local lord, Ungiardo. Ungiardo waits until he's asleep, and captures him.
Emperor Constantine is delighted that this brand new hero of the Bulgars has been delivered to him so quickly. So is his sister Theodora, whose son was killed by Rogero in the battle. Constantine hands Rogero over to Theodora, who has him tortured and imprisoned.
A debt of honour
Leo learns that Rogero has been captured, and is being held by his demented aunt.
This isn't right, he thinks. He bribes the guard and strangles the torturer, and releases Rogero.
Leo's rescue count: +1
Hi, he says, I'm Leo and I think you're awesome.
Fuck, says Rogero, I guess I owe you my life. Fuck.
Leo explains that, if this is a life debt situation, he has a problem that Rogero can help with.
See, he says, my father got me engaged to this French knight, and she won't marry anyone who can't beat her in combat, and, look, she sounds like a complete fucking psycho.
Only, he adds, you're completely fucking awesome - can you disguise yourself as me and fight her for me?
Sure, says Rogero, I guess I have to. Fuck.
A fight for love and glory
Leo and Rogero head back to France. A tourney is arranged. Rogero opts to start with sword - not because Bradamante has a magic invincible lance, but because he doesn't want her to recognise his horse Frontino. He's also careful to take a sword which isn't his normal magical one.
The battle begins, and Bradamante does not hold back. She assails the presumed Leo viciously; only the fact that Rogero is completely encased in unbreakable armour saves him. He's careful to look like he's fighting, but he doesn't want to land a serious blow.
Charlemagne and court are terribly impressed at this Greek's fortitude. Eventually, some time after sunset, the king says he reckons that's enough. While technically he was supposed to beat her, not dying is actually probably sufficient. Bradamante must marry Leo.
Rogero goes back to Leo and tells him that he's won, and then goes sulking off into the forest. Bradamante, meanwhile, considers her options. These are:
- Kill Aymon and Beatrice and probably Charlemagne
- Kill Leo
- Kill herself.
This pisses Marphisa off no end, and she goes and confronts Charlemagne.
You fucking suck, she says, Rogero and Bradamante were totally married in secret beforehand in front of me and I am totally a witness.
Charlemagne calls Bradamante down and asks her if it's true; Bradamante is evasive. Orlando and Rinaldo declare that they are totally convinced by Marphisa's totally plausible story. Aymon declares that he is not.
Well fuck you lot, says Marphisa, if this fucking Greek wants to marry my sister-in-law I'll fucking kill him myself.
A resolution at last
Someone explains to Leo that he's going to need to fight Marphisa.
Fuuuck, says Leo. He takes off in desperate search of Rogero, his champion.
He finds Melissa instead.
Melissa explains that Rogero is probably dying of grief. She explains why.
Well that fucking sucks, says Leo.
Melissa leads Leo through the forest to where Rogero is, curled up in the foetal position.
Hey, man, says Leo gently, have you got something to say?
Hey, says Rogero.
Rogero explains everything; how he rode to Hungary to kill Leo, how he got captured and rescued himself, how he acted as champion so that Leo could marry Bradamante, and how fucked up the whole thing is.
You should have fucking said something, man, says Leo, I didn't really want to marry her anyway.
Leo says that the whole thing is political from his point of view, to ally the Greek empire with Charlemagne's kingdom. He says he really doesn't want to let politics get in the way of his best friend's happiness.
Look, he says, you should totally marry Bradamante - you earned it and everything.
Also, he adds, I don't want to fight your fucking psycho sister.
Melissa, Leo and Rogero ride back to Paris. On the way, they meet an emissary from the Bulgars who is looking for Rogero.
Hey look, says the Bulgar, you were awesome back in that battle back there, like amazing, and since we don't exactly have a king at the moment, we were wondering if you'd be up for the gig?
Sure, says Leo, he'd love to.
Leo takes Rogero back to Charlemagne and says: Look, this guy actually won the fight with Bradamante, and guess what, he's the king of Bulgaria and a close personal friend of the Greek crown prince.
Leo tells the story of Rogero's valour back at Belgrade, and explains how he came to be fighting on behalf of the son of the Greek emperor. Everyone is terribly impressed; even Beatrice relents when she learns that Rogero is a king.
Bradamante and Rogero are finally married. Rogero swears fealty to Charlemagne, Melissa blesses the marital bed, and everyone is happy - even if the prophecy says it won't last.
The end.
One last battle
Well, almost.
Just as everyone is settling down to live happily ever after, Rodomont turns up. He accuses Rogero of abandoning his king, and demands satisfaction. They fight; Rodomont is stronger and dominates the duel, until Rogero is able to use a fancy wrestling move to slam Rodomont to the ground. Rogero demands Rodomont yield; Rodomont does not.
So Rodomont dies at Rogero's hand.
The end, for real.
Final rescue tally:
Astolpho: 14
Melissa: 12
Rogero: 9
Bradamante: 7
Angelica: 7
Orlando: 3
Marphisa: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Leo: 1
--
Well, this was...epic. It was fun, it was funny, it was exciting, it was absolutely fascinating. There was the sense that the poet Ariosto was enjoying himself. I developed a real affection for the characters, especially stoic, heroic Bradamante; gleefully violent Marphisa; bold, good-natured Astolpho; and stupid, stupid Rogero. I loved the little knots and threads of criss-crossing storylines, and the singing and fighting and monsters and allegories and allusions and digressions and just the grandness, the knight-in-shining-armour-ness of it all.
I do wonder if I'm doing Bradamante an injustice by summarising ten verses of poetical lamentation as "Fuck the fucking fucker!" but fuck it, she's never a wilting maiden; she's a knight, first and foremost, and she has to put up with some serious bullshit.
Next: Gold and Germans.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)