The Book: The Nibelungenlied
The Author: An unknown poet (c. 1200)
This text: A prose translation by Cyril Edwards
Price: about $AU20.
(Part I.)
After murdering Sivrit, Hagen agrees to take responsibility for his body. Actually, "responsibility" is a fairly loose word; he drags Sivrit's body home and dumps it in front of Kriemhilt's chambers.
Needless to say, upon discovering her husband's corpse, Kriemhilt is grief-stricken.
She summons Sivrit's father Sigmunt. Sigmunt is also grief-stricken. Sigmunt orders his men to arm up to attack whoever killed Sivrit, probably Gunther.
Kriemhilt - suspicious of the hunting party but not certain, and unwilling to see her brothers murdered just yet - asks him to calm down until the funeral. According to genuine science, a corpse will starting flowing blood again if its murderer comes too close. Hagen is identified as the murderer pretty quickly.
Um, couldn't have been Hagen, says Gunther, because then I would have been complicit and haha that's ridiculous.
You fucking fuckers, says Kriemhilt.
Then her other brothers Gernot and Giselher join the mourning and the funeral service continues without descending into violence. Sivrit's body is returned to the Netherlands.
Kriemhilt decides to stay in Burgundy.
It turns out Kriemhilt inherits all of Sivrit's worldly wealth, which consists of all of the gold of the Nibelungs.
She has Albrich bring it to Burgundy.
Gunther and Hagen discuss the vast amount of gold. Gunther thinks that if he can convince his sister to forgive him, he might be able to access a little bit of it. Hagen is doubtful.
"She'll never give you her gold. Not after we killed her husband."Sure enough, when Gunther raises the subject, Kriemhilt refuses. Gunther swears an oath never to harm her again, but she still refuses.
"You killed her husband!"
Gunther sends Giselher to ask instead, but Kriemhilt confesses that she doesn't feel entirely secure, and wants to keep the money to keep her safe. She might have been willing to share her gold, she says, if Gunther hadn't colluded with Hagen in Sivrit's murder. Then Hagen could have been executed and everyone would be happy. But no.
Kriemhilt uses some of the money to hire foreign mercenaries. Hagen points out to Gunther that Kriemhilt has enough gold to hire a lot of mercenaries - enough to take over the kingdom, should she choose. Better, he says, to just dump all her gold in the river.
That seems a bit unfair, says Gunther, I'm not sure if...
I'll do it, says Hagen, and he takes the key to the vault and dumps all Kriemhilt's gold in the river.
That will probably work out fine.
Another wedding
King Etzel of Hungary is possibly the most powerful king in the world. His beloved wife has died, and after a suitable mourning period, he is considering remarrying. He hears of the beauty of Kriemhilt, and that she's single again.
His vassal, Count Ruedeger, says he's met her brothers and they're pretty cool, and he's old friends with Hagen of Tronege. He offers to go see if she's interested.
That's a great idea, says Gunther on hearing the proposal, we'll be allied to the most powerful king in the world.
This is a terrible idea, says Hagen, she'll be allied to the most powerful king in the world.
"And we did throw all her gold in the river."Kriemhilt is not, as it turns out, interested. She's still mourning her late husband.
"You threw all her gold in the river!"
You'll have a lot of servants, says Ruedeger.
I have a lot of servants, says Kriemhilt.
You'll have a lot of gold, says Ruedeger.
I still actually have quite a lot of gold, says Kriemhilt, though not here.
You'll be queen of Hungary, says Ruedeger.
I'm queen of the Netherlands, says Kriemhilt, and of the Nibelungs.
You'll have a lot of soldiers, says Ruedeger, and you'll be able to avenge any wrongs you've suffered.
There have been an awful lot of wrongs, Ruedeger, she says.
Kriemhilt agrees to marry Etzel, and sets off with Ruedeger for Hungary.
Kriemhilt and Etzel are married.
This will probably work out fine.
Off to Hungary
After seven years of marriage, Kriemhilt tells her husband that she would like to see her brothers again. Etzel agrees to have a massive festival, with Kriemhilt's brothers as guests of honour.
Excellent, says Kriemhilt, make sure Hagen's there too.
Ambassadors are sent. Gunther is enthusiastic: he figures she's probably forgot all about that murder and gold business by now.
Hagen thinks it's a bad idea.
Well, you could stay here, says Giselher, on account of you being the actual murderer.
Oh, no, Hagen's on the invite, say the ambassadors, he's gotta come!
Fine, says Hagen, but we're taking an army.
They pick out a thousand men and send them in advance.
After some days travel, they come to the Danube, which is in flood. Hagen finds some water nymphs bathing and steals their clothes. Because Hagen is a dick.
Gives us our clothes back, calls one of the women, and we'll tell you how your voyage is going to go.
Tell me first, says Hagen.
It's going to be awesome, says the nymph, you're all going to be super rich and famous.
That's great, says Hagen, and gives them their clothes back.
Just kidding, says another nymph, you're all fucked.
The chaplain might survive, they add, but the rest of you won't.
The Murderous Road to Hungary
The Burgundians ask the nymphs if they'll help them get across the river, and the nymphs point them in the direction of a ferryman. They say that's he bit difficult to deal with, but he'll come across if you pretend to be Amelrich, vassal of Else, the local lord.
"That's not what we meant."Hagen rides ahead, and calls out to the ferryman. The ferryman calls out that he's not some mere servant, and he's not coming out in this weather for a stranger. Hagen tells him that he's Amelrich, Else's vassal, and he has a lot of gold.
"That's all you're getting, fuckheads."
Well, that's another thing entirely, says the ferryman.
Of course, the ferryman comes across and discovers that Hagen is not actually Amelrich, Else's vassal. Amelrich, Else's vassal, is actually his brother, so he knows the difference. He is pissed off, and explains that he is under orders not to ferry any stranger across the river.
That's a shame, says Hagen, because I've got a thousand strangers with me.
Fuck off, says the ferryman, and hits him in the head with an oar.
Hagen chops off his head and kicks his body into the river.
When Gunther turns up with the rest of the men, Hagen says, Hey, look at this cool ferry I found.
"Did you find the ferryman?"Luckily, Hagen has some experience operating ferries, and takes everyone across - except for the chaplain, who pisses off. Hagen notices this and tries to drown him - the nymph's prophecy can't come true if the chaplain dies - but he is unsuccessful.
"No."
"Why is the ferry full of blood?"
"Stop asking stupid questions."
"Why did you try to drown the chaplain?"Across the river, Hagen warns that he might have some enemies in Hungary from last time he was here. Those enemies could possibly include the local lords Else and Gelpfrat.
"What did I say about stupid questions?"
"Besides, Else will be pissed off that we killed his ferryman."Sure enough, the Burgundians are accosted by Gelpfrat and his men. They ask who killed the ferryman; Hagen says that it was him. Gelpfrat challenges him to a joust.
"You killed his ferryman!"
Turns out that Gelpfrat is pretty good at jousting. On the other hand, it turns out that Hagen is pretty good at treachery; as he starts getting the worst of the duel, he shouts to his brother Dancwart, who kills Gelpfrat.
Else and his forces charge the Burgundians, and the Burgundians rout.
What happened? asks Gunther.
It's a bit complicated, says Hagen, but Gelpfrat is dead and we should find another route to Hungary.
Fortunately, Gunther's uncle - Bishop Pilgrim - has lands nearby, and from their they're able to head through to Ruedeger's lands. Ruedeger, at least, is pleased to see them again. So pleased, in fact, that he agrees to let his daughter marry Giselher. There is a great deal of partying, and a great exchange of gifts.
(Hagen steals the sword of Ruedeger's vassal Eckewart, but feels bad about it and gives it back.)
So things are going pretty well at last, and will probably turn out fine.
Things go pretty well in Hungary...
Finally, the Burgundians arrive in Hungary, where they meet the great Hunnish heroes Hildebrant, Wolfhart and Dietrich.
Dietrich says that he's a bit surprised to see them, given that Kriemhilt is still in vocal mourning over Sivrit and she says that they killed him, but Gunther says, nonsense, we've been invited by Etzel and Kriemhilt and everything will probably be fine.
Riiight, says Dietrich.
The Burgundians ride to court, where they discovered that they and their men are all to be lodged separately. Kriemhilt greets Giselher fondly, but Gunther not so much.
This bodes ill, mutters Hagen.
Hey dickhead, says Kriemhilt to Hagen, did you bring me my stuff from Burgundy?
What stuff? says Hagen.
My Nibelung gold, says Kriemhilt.
I dumped that in the river, says Hagen, at the order of your brother.
You're a fuckhead, says Kriemhilt, and you should surrender your weapons to me.
Oh, you're far too high and mighty to carry my weapons, says Hagen, I think I'll hold on to them.
What the fuck is going on? says Dietrich.
The Burgundians are introduced to Etzel. Etzel remembers Hagen from his youth, when he was a hostage in Etzel's court, along with Walther of Spain. Etzel can't remember which was the biggest dickhead, but thinks it was probably Walther, who eloped with his daughter.
Things go to shit in Hungary
A little later, Kriemhilt takes sixty men to go and kill Hagen. Unfortunately, Hagen is pretty badass, and he's sitting with his ally, Volker the Fiddler. Volker the Fiddler is a kick-arse fighter and a kick-arse fiddler, and he's never heard an idea of Hagen's he didn't like.
Volker suggests quietly to Hagen that they leave the hall. Hagen says, what, and have them think we're chicken?
Good call, says Volker.
Hagen pulls out Sivrit's sword and lays it across his legs.
Kriemhilt asks her men what they're waiting for.
Yeah look, they say, between that fiddler and that sword, we're not going anywhere near Hagen.
Fine, says Kriemhilt, fucking fine.
Etzel gives the Burgundians a grand feast. Hagen and Volker remain alert and sober throughout. When the Burgundians retire for the night, Hagen and Volker stand guard. Sure enough, they seem some warriors skulking around.
Hey fuckers, says Volker, you reckon you could take us on?
The skulking warriors quietly skulk off.
Kriemhilt is not impressed.
The next morning, Gunther's men get dressed up to go to church, because it's Sunday. They're putting on their prettiest clothes, but Hagen persuades them to wear their armour and carry swords instead.
Etzel and Kriemhilt turn up to church. Etzel is surprised to see so many Burgundian helmets, and asks if everything is ok.
Yes, says Hagen, everything is ok, we always wear full armour at festivities.
Dietrich's men, seeing the armoured Burgundians, ask if they can joust with them. Dietrich says, no, those guys are psychoes.
Ruedeger's men ask if they can joust the Burgundians. Ruedeger says no, those guys are pretty fucked up right now.
Eventually, though, a couple of less-wise Huns and some Danes get a joust going, including a force led by the knight Bloedelin. The Burgundians do pretty well, to the point that Volker jokes that the Queen is going to have to award them the prize.
Then Volker accidentally-on-purpose kills a rich nobleman, and the tensions ratchet up another level. Huns start demanding Volker's head, but Etzel refuses, on the grounds that it was clearly an accident and anyway, decapitating a guest would violate the rules of hospitality.
Kriemhilt sounds out Dietrich regarding killing Hagen and Gunther. Dietrich refuses.
Kriemhilt sounds out Bloedelin. She promises him lands. And a wife. Bloedelin is initially reluctant, but land is land and wives are wives. He agrees.
At dinner that evening, Etzel introduces everyone to his and Kriemhilt's son, Ortliep.
Was thinking of having this kid raised by his kinfolk in Burgundy, says Etzel.
Dunno, says Hagen, he looks pretty doomed.
This comment makes no-one happy.
Blood and more blood
Meanwhile, Bloedelin takes his men to menace Dancwart, Hagen's brother. All the Burgundians have to die, he says, and Dancwart is to be the first. Dancwart is a bit confused about this, but agrees that if Bloedelin isn't going to back off, they will indeed have to fight.
Dancwart immediately decapitates Bloedelin. A bloody battle erupts. Most of the men on both sides are killed; Dancwart loses his entire force, but is able to fight his way to the hall where Gunther and Hagen are. He enters, covered completely in blood.
Guys, he says, we may be in a bit of trouble.
Ok, says Hagen, we'd better get kill everyone.
He starts with Ortliep. He follows up with a minstrel. He directs Volker to hold the door so that no-one can escape, and then starts murdering Huns.
Uh, Dietrich, says Kriemhilt, do you reckon you could get me out of here?
I've got my own problems, says Dietrich, your majesty.
Dietrich approaches Gunther, and asks if he might be allowed to leave, having not been involved in any treachery.
Sure, says Gunther, but don't take any traitors with you.
Dietrich agrees, but does reluctantly rescue Kriemhilt.
Ruedeger comes to a similar deal with Giselher, and rescues Etzel in the process.
The Burgundians start killing everyone who's left.
When everyone else is murdered, the Burgundians take stock and decide that there are far too many corpses in the hall. Giselher orders his people to throw out all the corpses. Seven thousand of them. Volker then demands a truce so that everyone can tend their wounded.
Etzel hears this and thinks he'll charge in and take care of the matter himself. Kriemhilt restrains him. Hagen taunts Etzel, demanding that he fight Gunther one-on-one and shouting that Kriemhilt always preferred Sivrit. Etzel does not take this well.
Kriemhilt offers gold and lands to anyone who kills Hagen. Margrave Irinc of Denmark takes up the challenge, and leads his men into the hall. Irinc challenges Hagen to single combat. His men tell him this is a bad idea.
Irinc duels Hagen, who is able to withstand his blows. Irinc withdraws to fight Volker, then Gunther, then Gernot, then Giselher. No-one is able to do any damage to anyone else but Giselher is able to knock Irinc down with a mighty blow to the helmet. Irinc is assumed to be dead, but is able to get to his feet and go for Hagen again. This time, Hagen is wounded through the visor, and Irinc withdraws. Hagen sends taunts after him; Irinc rearms and returns to the battle. This time, he takes Hagen's javelin to the head, and dies.
Irinc's last words are to his people: listen, don't accept the Queen's gold, Hagen's a fucking psycho.
The battle continues and several more Danish and other nobles are killed.
Blood, fire, and more blood
As evening starts to fall, Gunther sees twenty thousand soldiers outside the hall.
Yeah, look, he says, I'm going to ask for a truce.
Hagen is sceptical.
"Etzel will never give us a truce, not after we killed his son."Etzel's response is basically, what the fuck is wrong with you fucking people?
"YOU KILLED HIS FUCKING SON!"
Your people started it, says Hagen.
The general opinion among Etzel's people is to get these fuckers out of the fucking hall and out of the fucking country, but Kriemhilt is against it.
She does offer terms, though: everyone can go home, as long as they surrender Hagen of Tronege to her. For no sane reason, her brothers refuse.
Is there any reason we haven't burned that fucking hall down, Kriemhilt asks her men.
Well, it's not very honorable, reply her men.
Burn that fucking hall down, says Kriemhilt.
The hall catches fire but - possibly because it's full of blood and corpses - it doesn't burn as well as it might. The Burgundians start to cook, but slake their thirst on the blood of the slain. Volker tells everyone to lie down and remain quiet.
A force of Huns comes into the hall to check the aftermath; they are shocked to discover that the Burgundians are still actually alive. Shortly afterwards, the Huns are dead.
One of Kriemhilt's soldiers sees Ruedeger, who is not participating in the battle and who actually looks quite upset.
Why aren't you fighting, says Kriemhilt.
Giselher is my son-in-law, says Ruedeger, and I really kind of liked those guys.
Whose side are you on, says Kriemhilt.
It's not that simple, says Ruedeger.
You swore me an oath, says Kriemhilt.
Yeah, adds Etzel, fucking get in there and kill everyone.
Can I go into exile instead, says Ruedeger.
Not really, says Etzel.
Fuck, says Ruedeger.
Ruedeger takes five hundred men into the hall.
I'm sorry about this guys, he says.
This fucking sucks, says Giselher. His brothers agree.
Ruedeger makes a gift of his shield to Hagen, who agrees not to raise his sword against the him. Giselher also makes himself scarce.
Ruedeger reluctantly attacks Gunther and Gernot.
There is a mighty battle, and both Gernot and Ruedeger are slain.
Well fuck, says Hagen, if only there was some way to have prevented all this.
Even more blood
Quiet in there, says Etzel after a while.
Ruedeger's dead, says Dietrich.
You're up, says Etzel.
You're up, men, says Dietrich.
Dietrich's men include a pretty serious bunch of named heroes. They ask to take Ruedeger's body away for a proper burial. The Burgundians refuse, on the grounds that Ruedeger was a good friend of theirs. There is a battle. It is a pretty huge battle.
Volker is killed by the old warrior Hildebrant; Dancwart is killed by Helpfrich. Giselher is killed by Wolfhart, killing him in turn. Hagen tries to avenge Volker, but though Hildebrant is wounded, he escapes.
Basically, everyone dies. Gunther and Hagen are the only ones left standing.
Right, says Dietrich, right.
"Perhaps we can reason with him, Hagen."Will you surrender, says Dietrich.
"We can't reason with him, Gunther, not after we killed all his men."
"I suppose we did."
No, says Hagen.
Right, says Dietrich.
Hagen and Dietrich fight. Dietrich reasons that there will be little honour in killing the battered and bleeding Hagen, so he captures him, ties him up and hands him to Kriemhilt. This enrages Gunther, but Gunther isn't in much better condition and Dietrich captures him as well.
Kill Gunther, says Kriemhilt to her men.
Gunther is killed.
Then Kriemhilt takes Sivrit's sword from Hagen, and decapitates him with it.
That's that, says Kriemhilt.
Not quite, says Hildebrant. He draws his own sword and stabs her with it.
Someone should have done that a while back, he says.
What a fucking mess, says Dietrich.
Yeah, says Etzel, what a colossal fucking mess.
Thus ends the Nibelungenlied.
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