The Nibelungs II: Pretty much entirely blood

The Myth: Sivrid the Dragon-Slayer! Kriemhilt the Vengeful! Prunhilt the Warrior Queen! Love! Gold! Rings! Treachery! Bitter vengeance! Blood! Violence! So much blood and violence!
The Book: The Nibelungenlied
The Author: An unknown poet (c. 1200)
This text: A prose translation by Cyril Edwards
Price: about $AU20.

(Part I.)

But first, the gold.
After murdering Sivrit, Hagen agrees to take responsibility for his body. Actually, "responsibility" is a fairly loose word; he drags Sivrit's body home and dumps it in front of Kriemhilt's chambers.

Needless to say, upon discovering her husband's corpse, Kriemhilt is grief-stricken.

She summons Sivrit's father Sigmunt. Sigmunt is also grief-stricken. Sigmunt orders his men to arm up to attack whoever killed Sivrit, probably Gunther.

Kriemhilt - suspicious of the hunting party but not certain, and unwilling to see her brothers murdered just yet - asks him to calm down until the funeral. According to genuine science, a corpse will starting flowing blood again if its murderer comes too close. Hagen is identified as the murderer pretty quickly.

Um, couldn't have been Hagen, says Gunther, because then I would have been complicit and haha that's ridiculous.

You fucking fuckers, says Kriemhilt.

Then her other brothers Gernot and Giselher join the mourning and the funeral service continues without descending into violence. Sivrit's body is returned to the Netherlands.

Kriemhilt decides to stay in Burgundy.

It turns out Kriemhilt inherits all of Sivrit's worldly wealth, which consists of all of the gold of the Nibelungs.

She has Albrich bring it to Burgundy.

Gunther and Hagen discuss the vast amount of gold. Gunther thinks that if he can convince his sister to forgive him, he might be able to access a little bit of it. Hagen is doubtful.

"She'll never give you her gold. Not after we killed her husband."
"You killed her husband!" 

Sure enough, when Gunther raises the subject, Kriemhilt refuses. Gunther swears an oath never to harm her again, but she still refuses.

Gunther sends Giselher to ask instead, but Kriemhilt confesses that she doesn't feel entirely secure, and wants to keep the money to keep her safe. She might have been willing to share her gold, she says, if Gunther hadn't colluded with Hagen in Sivrit's murder. Then Hagen could have been executed and everyone would be happy. But no.

Kriemhilt uses some of the money to hire foreign mercenaries. Hagen points out to Gunther that Kriemhilt has enough gold to hire a lot of mercenaries - enough to take over the kingdom, should she choose. Better, he says, to just dump all her gold in the river.

That seems a bit unfair, says Gunther, I'm not sure if...

I'll do it, says Hagen, and he takes the key to the vault and dumps all Kriemhilt's gold in the river.

That will probably work out fine.

Another wedding
King Etzel of Hungary is possibly the most powerful king in the world. His beloved wife has died, and after a suitable mourning period, he is considering remarrying. He hears of the beauty of Kriemhilt, and that she's single again.

His vassal, Count Ruedeger, says he's met her brothers and they're pretty cool, and he's old friends with Hagen of Tronege. He offers to go see if she's interested.

That's a great idea, says Gunther on hearing the proposal, we'll be allied to the most powerful king in the world.

This is a terrible idea, says Hagen, she'll be allied to the most powerful king in the world.

"And we did throw all her gold in the river."
"You threw all her gold in the river!"

Kriemhilt is not, as it turns out, interested. She's still mourning her late husband.

You'll have a lot of servants, says Ruedeger.

I have a lot of servants, says Kriemhilt.

You'll have a lot of gold, says Ruedeger.

I still actually have quite a lot of gold, says Kriemhilt, though not here.

You'll be queen of Hungary, says Ruedeger.

I'm queen of the Netherlands, says Kriemhilt, and of the Nibelungs.

You'll have a lot of soldiers, says Ruedeger, and you'll be able to avenge any wrongs you've suffered.

There have been an awful lot of wrongs, Ruedeger, she says.

Kriemhilt agrees to marry Etzel, and sets off with Ruedeger for Hungary.

Kriemhilt and Etzel are married.

This will probably work out fine.

Off to Hungary
After seven years of marriage, Kriemhilt tells her husband that she would like to see her brothers again. Etzel agrees to have a massive festival, with Kriemhilt's brothers as guests of honour.

Excellent, says Kriemhilt, make sure Hagen's there too.

Ambassadors are sent. Gunther is enthusiastic: he figures she's probably forgot all about that murder and gold business by now.

Hagen thinks it's a bad idea.

Well, you could stay here, says Giselher, on account of you being the actual murderer.

Oh, no, Hagen's on the invite, say the ambassadors, he's gotta come!

Fine, says Hagen, but we're taking an army.

They pick out a thousand men and send them in advance.

After some days travel, they come to the Danube, which is in flood. Hagen finds some water nymphs bathing and steals their clothes. Because Hagen is a dick.

Gives us our clothes back, calls one of the women, and we'll tell you how your voyage is going to go.

Tell me first, says Hagen.

It's going to be awesome, says the nymph, you're all going to be super rich and famous.

That's great, says Hagen, and gives them their clothes back.

Just kidding, says another nymph, you're all fucked.

The chaplain might survive, they add, but the rest of you won't.

The Murderous Road to Hungary
The Burgundians ask the nymphs if they'll help them get across the river, and the nymphs point them in the direction of a ferryman. They say that's he bit difficult to deal with, but he'll come across if you pretend to be Amelrich, vassal of Else, the local lord.

"That's not what we meant." 
"That's all you're getting, fuckheads." 

Hagen rides ahead, and calls out to the ferryman. The ferryman calls out that he's not some mere servant, and he's not coming out in this weather for a stranger. Hagen tells him that he's Amelrich, Else's vassal, and he has a lot of gold.

Well, that's another thing entirely, says the ferryman.

Of course, the ferryman comes across and discovers that Hagen is not actually Amelrich, Else's vassal. Amelrich, Else's vassal, is actually his brother, so he knows the difference. He is pissed off, and explains that he is under orders not to ferry any stranger across the river.

That's a shame, says Hagen, because I've got a thousand strangers with me.

Fuck off, says the ferryman, and hits him in the head with an oar.

Hagen chops off his head and kicks his body into the river.

When Gunther turns up with the rest of the men, Hagen says, Hey, look at this cool ferry I found.

"Did you find the ferryman?"
"No." 
"Why is the ferry full of blood?"
"Stop asking stupid questions." 

Luckily, Hagen has some experience operating ferries, and takes everyone across - except for the chaplain, who pisses off. Hagen notices this and tries to drown him - the nymph's prophecy can't come true if the chaplain dies - but he is unsuccessful.

"Why did you try to drown the chaplain?"
"What did I say about stupid questions?"

Across the river, Hagen warns that he might have some enemies in Hungary from last time he was here. Those enemies could possibly include the local lords Else and Gelpfrat.

"Besides, Else will be pissed off that we killed his ferryman." 
"You killed his ferryman!"  

Sure enough, the Burgundians are accosted by Gelpfrat and his men. They ask who killed the ferryman; Hagen says that it was him. Gelpfrat challenges him to a joust.

Turns out that Gelpfrat is pretty good at jousting. On the other hand, it turns out that Hagen is pretty good at treachery; as he starts getting the worst of the duel, he shouts to his brother Dancwart, who kills Gelpfrat.

Else and his forces charge the Burgundians, and the Burgundians rout.

What happened? asks Gunther.

It's a bit complicated, says Hagen, but Gelpfrat is dead and we should find another route to Hungary.

Fortunately, Gunther's uncle - Bishop Pilgrim - has lands nearby, and from their they're able to head through to Ruedeger's lands. Ruedeger, at least, is pleased to see them again. So pleased, in fact, that he agrees to let his daughter marry Giselher. There is a great deal of partying, and a great exchange of gifts.

(Hagen steals the sword of Ruedeger's vassal Eckewart, but feels bad about it and gives it back.)

So things are going pretty well at last, and will probably turn out fine.

Things go pretty well in Hungary...
Finally, the Burgundians arrive in Hungary, where they meet the great Hunnish heroes Hildebrant, Wolfhart and Dietrich.

Dietrich says that he's a bit surprised to see them, given that Kriemhilt is still in vocal mourning over Sivrit and she says that they killed him, but Gunther says, nonsense, we've been invited by Etzel and Kriemhilt and everything will probably be fine.

Riiight, says Dietrich.

The Burgundians ride to court, where they discovered that they and their men are all to be lodged separately. Kriemhilt greets Giselher fondly, but Gunther not so much.

This bodes ill, mutters Hagen.

Hey dickhead, says Kriemhilt to Hagen, did you bring me my stuff from Burgundy?

What stuff? says Hagen.

My Nibelung gold, says Kriemhilt.

I dumped that in the river, says Hagen, at the order of your brother.

You're a fuckhead, says Kriemhilt, and you should surrender your weapons to me.

Oh, you're far too high and mighty to carry my weapons, says Hagen, I think I'll hold on to them.

What the fuck is going on? says Dietrich.

The Burgundians are introduced to Etzel. Etzel remembers Hagen from his youth, when he was a hostage in Etzel's court, along with Walther of Spain. Etzel can't remember which was the biggest dickhead, but thinks it was probably Walther, who eloped with his daughter.

Things go to shit in Hungary
A little later, Kriemhilt takes sixty men to go and kill Hagen. Unfortunately, Hagen is pretty badass, and he's sitting with his ally, Volker the Fiddler. Volker the Fiddler is a kick-arse fighter and a kick-arse fiddler, and he's never heard an idea of Hagen's he didn't like.

Volker suggests quietly to Hagen that they leave the hall. Hagen says, what, and have them think we're chicken?

Good call, says Volker.

Hagen pulls out Sivrit's sword and lays it across his legs.

Kriemhilt asks her men what they're waiting for.

Yeah look, they say, between that fiddler and that sword, we're not going anywhere near Hagen.

Fine, says Kriemhilt, fucking fine.

Etzel gives the Burgundians a grand feast. Hagen and Volker remain alert and sober throughout. When the Burgundians retire for the night, Hagen and Volker stand guard. Sure enough, they seem some warriors skulking around.

Hey fuckers, says Volker, you reckon you could take us on?

The skulking warriors quietly skulk off.

Kriemhilt is not impressed.

The next morning, Gunther's men get dressed up to go to church, because it's Sunday. They're putting on their prettiest clothes, but Hagen persuades them to wear their armour and carry swords instead.

Etzel and Kriemhilt turn up to church. Etzel is surprised to see so many Burgundian helmets, and asks if everything is ok.

Yes, says Hagen, everything is ok, we always wear full armour at festivities.

Dietrich's men, seeing the armoured Burgundians, ask if they can joust with them. Dietrich says, no, those guys are psychoes.

Ruedeger's men ask if they can joust the Burgundians. Ruedeger says no, those guys are pretty fucked up right now.

Eventually, though, a couple of less-wise Huns and some Danes get a joust going, including a force led by the knight Bloedelin. The Burgundians do pretty well, to the point that Volker jokes that the Queen is going to have to award them the prize.

Then Volker accidentally-on-purpose kills a rich nobleman, and the tensions ratchet up another level. Huns start demanding Volker's head, but Etzel refuses, on the grounds that it was clearly an accident and anyway, decapitating a guest would violate the rules of hospitality.

Kriemhilt sounds out Dietrich regarding killing Hagen and Gunther. Dietrich refuses.

Kriemhilt sounds out Bloedelin. She promises him lands. And a wife. Bloedelin is initially reluctant, but land is land and wives are wives. He agrees.

At dinner that evening, Etzel introduces everyone to his and Kriemhilt's son, Ortliep.

Was thinking of having this kid raised by his kinfolk in Burgundy, says Etzel.

Dunno, says Hagen, he looks pretty doomed.

This comment makes no-one happy.

Blood and more blood
Meanwhile, Bloedelin takes his men to menace Dancwart, Hagen's brother. All the Burgundians have to die, he says, and Dancwart is to be the first. Dancwart is a bit confused about this, but agrees that if Bloedelin isn't going to back off, they will indeed have to fight.

Dancwart immediately decapitates Bloedelin. A bloody battle erupts. Most of the men on both sides are killed; Dancwart loses his entire force, but is able to fight his way to the hall where Gunther and Hagen are. He enters, covered completely in blood.

Guys, he says, we may be in a bit of trouble.

Ok, says Hagen, we'd better get kill everyone.

He starts with Ortliep. He follows up with a minstrel. He directs Volker to hold the door so that no-one can escape, and then starts murdering Huns.

Uh, Dietrich, says Kriemhilt, do you reckon you could get me out of here?

I've got my own problems, says Dietrich, your majesty.

Dietrich approaches Gunther, and asks if he might be allowed to leave, having not been involved in any treachery.

Sure, says Gunther, but don't take any traitors with you.

Dietrich agrees, but does reluctantly rescue Kriemhilt.

Ruedeger comes to a similar deal with Giselher, and rescues Etzel in the process.

The Burgundians start killing everyone who's left.

When everyone else is murdered, the Burgundians take stock and decide that there are far too many corpses in the hall. Giselher orders his people to throw out all the corpses. Seven thousand of them. Volker then demands a truce so that everyone can tend their wounded.

Etzel hears this and thinks he'll charge in and take care of the matter himself. Kriemhilt restrains him. Hagen taunts Etzel, demanding that he fight Gunther one-on-one and shouting that Kriemhilt always preferred Sivrit. Etzel does not take this well.

Kriemhilt offers gold and lands to anyone who kills Hagen. Margrave Irinc of Denmark takes up the challenge, and leads his men into the hall. Irinc challenges Hagen to single combat. His men tell him this is a bad idea.

Irinc duels Hagen, who is able to withstand his blows. Irinc withdraws to fight Volker, then Gunther, then Gernot, then Giselher. No-one is able to do any damage to anyone else but Giselher is able to knock Irinc down with a mighty blow to the helmet. Irinc is assumed to be dead, but is able to get to his feet and go for Hagen again. This time, Hagen is wounded through the visor, and Irinc withdraws. Hagen sends taunts after him; Irinc rearms and returns to the battle. This time, he takes Hagen's javelin to the head, and dies.

Irinc's last words are to his people: listen, don't accept the Queen's gold, Hagen's a fucking psycho.

The battle continues and several more Danish and other nobles are killed.

Blood, fire, and more blood
As evening starts to fall, Gunther sees twenty thousand soldiers outside the hall.

Yeah, look, he says, I'm going to ask for a truce.

Hagen is sceptical.

"Etzel will never give us a truce, not after we killed his son." 
"YOU KILLED HIS FUCKING SON!" 

Etzel's response is basically, what the fuck is wrong with you fucking people?

Your people started it, says Hagen.

The general opinion among Etzel's people is to get these fuckers out of the fucking hall and out of the fucking country, but Kriemhilt is against it.

She does offer terms, though: everyone can go home, as long as they surrender Hagen of Tronege to her. For no sane reason, her brothers refuse.

Is there any reason we haven't burned that fucking hall down, Kriemhilt asks her men.

Well, it's not very honorable, reply her men.

Burn that fucking hall down, says Kriemhilt.

The hall catches fire but - possibly because it's full of blood and corpses - it doesn't burn as well as it might. The Burgundians start to cook, but slake their thirst on the blood of the slain. Volker tells everyone to lie down and remain quiet.

A force of Huns comes into the hall to check the aftermath; they are shocked to discover that the Burgundians are still actually alive. Shortly afterwards, the Huns are dead.

One of Kriemhilt's soldiers sees Ruedeger, who is not participating in the battle and who actually looks quite upset.

Why aren't you fighting, says Kriemhilt.

Giselher is my son-in-law, says Ruedeger, and I really kind of liked those guys.

Whose side are you on, says Kriemhilt.

It's not that simple, says Ruedeger.

You swore me an oath, says Kriemhilt.

Yeah, adds Etzel, fucking get in there and kill everyone.

Can I go into exile instead, says Ruedeger.

Not really, says Etzel.

Fuck, says Ruedeger.

Ruedeger takes five hundred men into the hall.

I'm sorry about this guys, he says.

This fucking sucks, says Giselher. His brothers agree.

Ruedeger makes a gift of his shield to Hagen, who agrees not to raise his sword against the him. Giselher also makes himself scarce.

Ruedeger reluctantly attacks Gunther and Gernot.

There is a mighty battle, and both Gernot and Ruedeger are slain.

Well fuck, says Hagen, if only there was some way to have prevented all this.

Even more blood
Quiet in there, says Etzel after a while.

Ruedeger's dead, says Dietrich.

You're up, says Etzel.

You're up, men, says Dietrich.

Dietrich's men include a pretty serious bunch of named heroes. They ask to take Ruedeger's body away for a proper burial. The Burgundians refuse, on the grounds that Ruedeger was a good friend of theirs. There is a battle. It is a pretty huge battle.

Volker is killed by the old warrior Hildebrant; Dancwart is killed by Helpfrich. Giselher is killed by Wolfhart, killing him in turn. Hagen tries to avenge Volker, but though Hildebrant is wounded, he escapes.

Basically, everyone dies. Gunther and Hagen are the only ones left standing.

Right, says Dietrich, right.

"Perhaps we can reason with him, Hagen." 
"We can't reason with him, Gunther, not after we killed all his men." 
"I suppose we did." 

Will you surrender, says Dietrich.

No, says Hagen.

Right, says Dietrich.

Hagen and Dietrich fight. Dietrich reasons that there will be little honour in killing the battered and bleeding Hagen, so he captures him, ties him up and hands him to Kriemhilt. This enrages Gunther, but Gunther isn't in much better condition and Dietrich captures him as well.

Kill Gunther, says Kriemhilt to her men.

Gunther is killed.

Then Kriemhilt takes Sivrit's sword from Hagen, and decapitates him with it.

That's that, says Kriemhilt.

Not quite, says Hildebrant. He draws his own sword and stabs her with it.

Someone should have done that a while back, he says.

What a fucking mess, says Dietrich.

Yeah, says Etzel, what a colossal fucking mess.

Thus ends the Nibelungenlied.

The Nibelungs I: Blood and gold but mostly blood

The Myth: Sivrid the Dragon-Slayer! Kriemhilt the Vengeful! Prunhilt the Warrior Queen! Love! Gold! Rings! Treachery! Bitter vengeance! Blood! Violence! So much blood and violence!
The Book: The Nibelungenlied
The Author: An unknown poet (c. 1200)
This text: A prose translation by Cyril Edwards  
Price: about $AU20.

The Nibelungenlied is bloody, very bloody. The first half sets up the characters, the relationships and the dynamics that lead to all the blood. The foreshadowing is hilariously heavy: any time anyone is happy, or successful, or sometimes just there, the narrator will point out that everyone is going to die horribly.

The second half is mostly blood.

This is the first half.




Kriemhilt
We are introduced to Kriemhilt of Burgundy as a pretty young lady who is going to get a lot of people killed.

In a dream, Kriemhilt sees herself rearing a falcon, which is ripped apart by eagles. Her mother, Uote, says that it means that she'll marry a good man who will pretty soon die amid a catastrophic descent into bloodshed and horror. Kriemhilt says that she'd rather not marry in that case. Uote says she probably will, that's how things work out, don't worry about it too much. Kriemhilt vows never to fall in love.

This will probably work out fine.

Sivrit
In the Netherlands, a young prince grows up straight and tall and perfect. He is well regarded, for his skill at arms, his lovely clothes, and his tremendous prettiness. This is Sivrit, who is knighted with great and elaborate ceremony. His parents immediately start grooming him to take over the throne, and his dad Sigmunt suggests that he might want to get married to one of the seven hundred women who have offered.

Sivrit, however, decides that he wants to marry the most beautiful woman in the world, who he understands to be Kriemhilt of Burgundy. He's never met her, but his heart is set.

Sivrit's mother, Siglint, suggests that this is a bad idea. Burgundy is full of psychos, she says. Kriemhilt's brothers - Gunther, Gernot and Giselher - are psychos. Their henchman Hagen is a psycho. Basically, everyone he's likely to come into contact with in Burgundy is a psycho.

Sivrit points out that he has a wide range of options at his disposal: if he is unsuccessful using diplomacy, he can always resort to violence.

This will probably work out fine.

Sivrit's backstory
Sivrit is already a little bit famous: as he and his train arrive in Burgundy, Hagen of Tronege relates his story.

Once upon a time, Sivrit met the two princes of the dwarfish Nibelungs, Schilbunc and Nibelunc. These two had pulled all their gold out of a mountain and were bickering about how to share it. Since they couldn't decide, they asked Sivrit, giving him the invincible magic sword Balmunc as a reward. However, the Nibelungs weren't happy with how Sivrit had shared out the treasure,  so they ambushed him with twelve giants.

Thing is, they'd just armed him with an invincible magic sword.

Twelve giants and several hundred dwarves later, Sivrit found himself ruler of the Nibelungs. This didn't sit well with Albrich, the king of the dwarves, who put on his magical cloak of invisibility and attacked him.

One more dwarf later, Sivrit was king of the Nibelungs with a cloak of invisibility and Albrich as his chamberlain, treasurer and sworn vassal.

Then he killed a dragon and bathed in his blood, making him invulnerable.

He's a dick, adds Hagen, but we probably shouldn't piss him off.

Gunther and company ride out to meet Sivrit, and ask him what he's doing in Burgundy.

I've come to conquer all your lands, says Sivrit.

Fuck off, says Gunther.

Then can I marry your sister? asks Sivrit.

...maybe, says Gunther.

This will probably all work out fine.

War
Burgundy is currently being menaced by Saxons and Danes, led by the brothers Liudeger and Liudegast. A messenger says that Gunther has offended the brothers, and that they will bring their armies.

Never heard of them, says Gunther.

This does not please the messenger.

Gunther summons his brothers and his vassals and asks for their counsel.

Hagen says: Seems to me you've got two problems - Saxons sniffing around your borders, and Sivrit sniffing around your sister. You could solve at least one of these problems by putting Sivrit in your vanguard against the Saxons.

Everyone rides out to war. Sivrit outmanouvers the Danes and falls on their rearguard; he is pleasantly surprised to find Liudegast there. Liudegast begs for his life, and is taken prisoner.

The Burgundian host then falls on the Saxons. Liudeger is caught in a pincer movement between Sivrit and Hagen, and falls back. He is a bit put out that his brother has been captured, and tries to rally his troops, but after half a day fighting Sivrit he finally recognises his heraldry and surrenders.

Sivrit is very much regarded as the hero of the battle. Word of his deeds comes back to Kriemhilt, who asks for a full account of the battle, with special mention of Sivrit's prettiness.

Hagen, meanwhile, is pissed off that his plan to eliminate Sivrit has instead just raised his stocks through the roof.

Gunther treats his royal prisoners extravagantly, making sure they're well fed and comfortable, and that their surviving troops are healed and looked after. They are suitably chastened and impressed, but when they ask to go home Gunther refuses: there's going to be a huge celebration of their victory.

That sounds just dandy, says Liudeger.

Kriemhilt is very excited about the upcoming party, and prepares wonderful garments as gifts for the heroes. Especially Sivrit. She asks for very precise measurements.

This will probably all work out fine.

Wooing I
At the celebration, Sivrit sees Kriemhilt for the first time. On the one hand, he is pretty pleased that she is as lovely as he'd heard. On the other, he's quite upset that he doesn't actually have permission to approach her.

Gernot says to Gunther, Dude - the guy saved our fucking arses in that battle, the least you could do is let him say hello to our sister.

Fine, says Gunther, fucking fine.

Sivrit and Kriemhilt are allowed to approach each other. They take advantage of the formal ceremony to send subtle signals to each other. Those signals say: I think you're hot.

They spend a lot of time together. Officially, Kriemhilt is expressing gratitude to Sivrit for keeping her kinsmen and country safe from marauders.

Unofficially, the court is able to read between the lines.
   
Kriemhilt's mother does remind her of her oath to never fall in love. Kriemhilt returns with a compelling argument: Sivrit is terribly pretty.

Eventually Liudeger and Liudegast ask if they can go home. On Sivrit's advice, Gunther releases them on the condition that they swear an oath never to attack again. They also offer quite a lot of gold in ransom, but it's the oath that clinches it.

Sivrit, however, begins to feel that his suit isn't getting anywhere: Kriemhilt's all for it, but he can't get any word from Gunther. He too asks for leave to head home, but Giselher persuades him to stick around for the sake of his friends.

He agrees.

Meaning that he gets to see Kriemhilt every single day. Without being allowed to woo her.

This will probably work out fine.

Wooing II
Gunther, meanwhile, hears about a land of beautiful warrior-women, and decides he wants to marry their queen.

Gunther, no, says Sivrit, Iceland is full of psychos and their queen is the worst of the lot.

Hagen contemplates the idea of a land of psychos terrible enough to give Sivrit pause.

Hey, he says, if Sivrit's been to Iceland and met their queen, maybe he should be your guide.

That's a great idea, says Gunther.

Let's bring Hagen as well, says Sivrit.

What, says Hagen.

So everyone dresses up nicely and sails off to woo Prunhilt for Gunther. Dancwart, Hagen's younger brother, comes too.

(A note: It's never exactly stated that Prunhilt is Sivrit's ex, but it's vaguely implied. Apparently in other versions of the myth it's rather more obvious and explicit.)

The party of four rocks up to Prunhilt's castle, which is huge, and is defended as advertised by beautiful women with very big spears. Sivrit explains carefully that they shouldn't piss anyone off, and eventually they are brought before the queen.

Hey Sivrit, she says, what are you doing here? Ya wooin'?

I'd like you to meet my uh, liege, Gunther of Burgundy, he says, and recommend him as a bridegroom.

When everyone has finished laughing, Prunhilt asks is he knows what that entails. The trials and shit.

He'll do your trials, says Hagen.

Well then, says Prunhilt.

What? says Gunther.

You've got to defeat her in combat, says Sivrit.

Oh, says Gunther.

This will probably work out fine.

The Wooing Arena 
They enter the Wooing Arena. Prunhilt has armoured up; her armour is impressive, all gold and silks and thick steel. Her shield and weapons are huge. She brandishes her spear.

Holy shit, says Gunther, that's a big spear.

Holy fuck, says Gunther, she's going to kill me.

Psst, says a voice at his elbow, it's me, Sivrit. I have a cloak of invisibility and I'd like to talk to you about your sister.

What the fuck, says Gunther, this isn't the best time.

But hey, says Sivrit, wouldn't it be really great if you had an invisible, invulnerable, impossibly strong hero on your side right now?

You make a compelling argument, says Gunther.

Prunhilt throws her spear. Sivrit, invisible, catches it and throws it back, careful not to actually pierce her with it.

Prunhilt follows with a boulder, and a mighty leap following it. Sivrit catches the boulder and throws it away, even further, with Gunther miming. Then Sivrit joins battle with a leap, carrying Gunther with him. Sivrit puppets Gunther through a wrestling match, which he - they - wins.

Wow, says Prunhilt, guess you're King of Iceland now, Gunther my boy.

That's great, says Sivrit, even though I didn't see any of what happened - we should head back to the Rhineland now.

Oh no, says Prunhilt, that wasn't part of the deal.

Prunhilt starts summoning her vassals, who bring their armies. Gunther is a little worried by this.

Um, says Sivrit, be right back.

Sivrit pisses off back to the land of the Nibelungs. There he finds the dwarf Albrich on the throne. They fight, and Sivrit wins.

Didn't you recognise me? says Sivrit.

Oh, it's you, says Albrich, you should have said.

Sivrit has Albrich raise an army of three thousand men, who set sail back to Iceland. He is able to convince Prunhilt that these are Gunther's forces, and that maybe they should all head back to Burgundy real nice like.

This will probably work out fine.

Burgundy nights
The party returns to Burgundy. Gunther tells Kriemhilt that he's decided she can marry Sivrit.

About fucking time, she says.

After the wedding, Sivrit and Kriemhilt retire to their bedroom. Gunther makes suggestive eyebrow motions at Prunhilt. Prunhilt takes Gunther back to their room, where she beats him up, binds him with leather thongs, hangs him from a nail and gets a good night's sleep.

It's nothing personal, she says the next morning, it's just that I don't find you very impressive and my strength is tied to my virginity.

After church the next day, Sivrit and Gunther get to talking. Sivrit is in a very good mood. Gunther is not. Sivrit asks him what's up - surely he is as happy with his new wife as Sivrit is with his?

Thing is, says Gunther, she, uh, beat me up, tied me up with leather thongs and hung me from a nail.

After some thought Sivrit says: wouldn't it be great if you had an invisible, invulnerable, impossibly strong hero on your side right now?

Gunther glares at him.

Oh, says Sivrit, I don't mean I'd... I mean, no, not with all the great sex I'm having with your sister. I just want to help you out. I feel I owe you, what with all the great sex I'm having with your sister. I sure am having great sex with your sister.

Gunther mumbles a response.

That night, Sivrit tells Gunther to make sure the lights are out.  Gunther hides in a corner while Sivrit sneaks into the room. Prunhilt warns "Gunther" that if he tries anything tonight he'll get the same treatment. A wrestling match ensues; Prunhilt almost immediately gets the upper hand, until Sivrit sees red and throws her down onto the bed.

Wow, Gunther, says Prunhilt, you're so much less pathetic than you were last night!

Sivrit takes this as his cue to leave, and Gunther takes over. He is, happily, a better lover than a fighter, and Prunhilt is not unsatisfied.

Still. Before he leaves, Sivrit decides - for reasons that are never satisfactorily explained - to take her ring and her shift.

It will probably all work out fine.

Tension and Intrigue
Sivrit and Kriemhilt head back to the Netherlands. They are very welcome. Sigmunt decides that the time has come to hand over his crown to his son, and Sivrit is made king. As queen, Kriemhilt is much loved and incredibly wealthy, thanks to Sivrit's hoard of Nibelung gold.

Sivrit and Kriemhilt have a son, who they call Gunther, which is quite sweet of them.

Gunther and Prunhilt have a son, who they call Sivrit, which is quite sweet of them.

Gunther decides to host a festival, and invites his sister and her husband. They are very pleased to attend.

However: Prunhilt and Kriemhilt do not get on.

The key to this is the wooing episode, which led to Prunhilt losing most of her strength and possibly her kingdom, over which she may still bear some subconscious resentment. Crucially, during that whole episode Sivrit was presented as Gunther's bondsman and vassal, and nobody has corrected the record.

So when he turns up at the festival acting like a king, Prunhilt feels justified in giving Kriemhilt a passive-aggressive serve.

However, Kriemhilt - actually a queen - does not take kindly to this, and returns fire. This escalates until Kriemhilt lets loose something that can not be taken back: How come my husband has your underwear and jewellery? Is it because you're a big fat slut?

Prunhilt has no actual idea why Sivrit has her underwear and jewellery, and as far as she's concerned this is utter, utter libel, and possibly theft and treason as well. The two queens part on extremely frosty terms.

Hagen sidles up to Prunhilt and says, what was all that about?

Prunhilt tells her side of the story. Hagen suggests that maybe things would be better if Sivrit weren't around.

Prunhilt does not disagree.

Hagen sidles up to Kriemhilt and says, hey, does Sivrit have any weaknesses?

Kriemhilt, who has been friends with Hagen since childhood and has no reason to mistrust him except for his personality and his weird closeness with her brother's psycho wife, says, yeah.

It turns out that when Sivrit killed the dragon and bathed in its blood, there was a linden leaf on his shoulder, and that spot is theoretically vulnerable. Kriemhilt is always worried that a stray spear is going to hit him in exactly that spot and he'll die.

Hagen suggests that if maybe she sewed a little mark on his tunic over the exact spot, Hagen and the boys could look out for him, make sure nothing goes near it.

Kriemhilt says that sounds entirely reasonable, and thanks him for being such a true and loyal friend.

This will probably all work out fine. 

Things do not work out fine
Hagen fosters rumours that Liudeger and Liudegast are planning to attack again. Sivrit immediately volunteers to lead the vanguard, just like last time. This serves to separate Sivrit from his own knights.

Hagen also lets Gunther know that Sivrit is behind the tensions between Kriemhilt and Prunhilt. This sends Gunther into a dark mood, believing that Sivrit has betrayed the secret of his wedding night.

Once they've ridden out, Hagen tells Sivrit that the war has been called off, and they should go hunting instead. Sivrit thinks this is a great idea, and immediately hunts down some boars, a lion, some aurochs, wild bulls, and a live bear, which is soon a dead bear. He's a bit puffed out after all of this and suggests that they stop for a drink.

Oh no, says Gunther, Hagen forgot to order the wine.

Don't worry, says Sivrit, I found a spring nearby. 

Let's race, says Hagen.

Everyone strips down to their tunics. Sivrit wins the race, but offers Gunther and Hagen the first drinks.

Gunther accepts, but Hagen says: Oh no. After you.

As Sivrid lays down to drink, Hagen takes his javelin and spears him through the mark on his tunic.

You fucker, says Sivrid.

And dies.

Next: Blood. So much blood.

Ragin' Roland X: The End

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

Woe, woe
Bradamante is unhappy. The battle is over, the Saracens have fled, her brothers are safe - but Rogero has disappeared.

She does not suffer in silence: the seer Melissa cops an earful for prophecies that are obviously crap; Marphisa gets an earful for a brother who is obviously likewise.

Marphisa shrugs. Rogero can probably explain himself, and if he can't, she'll kill him, that's all.

A quest for ... love?
Rinaldo, meanwhile, has remembered that he was in love with Angelica as a result of a magic fountain, and wonders what she's up to these days. He decides to ask Malagigi. Malagigi, himself sweet on the shifty princess, is actually brooding on that same subject. He decides that, honestly, if she'd been at all interested she'd had plenty of opportunity to say so; she's just not that into him. Instead of advising Rinaldo that she's not that into him either, he agrees to summon a demon to track her down.

The demon he summons is a bit of an expert on matters of the heart, and it recognises the effects of the love/hate fountains.

It's not going to work, says the demon. For one thing, she hates him; for another, she just got married to a Moorish soldier; plus also, she's gone to India.

Rinaldo is not one to take no for an answer. He storms out, and asks Charlemagne if he can be given leave from court.

Why, says Charlemagne.

Because, uh, Gradasso nicked my horse, says Rinaldo, and took it to Ind... to Sericane.

Dudon and Guido offer to come with him, but Rinaldo says, nah, guys, it's cool.

Are you sure, they say.

Fucking leave me alone, says Rinaldo.

No sooner does Rinaldo enter the forest of Arden, however, when he's attacked by a monster - a woman made entirely of snakes. He tries to take her on, but this thing is actually weird enough to freak him out. He's unable to land a blow, and at the same time she keeps chucking snakes at him. When one gets into his visor, he considers it time to pissbolt.

This doesn't help, however, because the monster leaps onto his horse and continues the assault even as he flees.

Things begin to look bleak for our hero, but in the nick of time a stranger knight appears and takes up the fight. Rinaldo gratefully flees as the stranger forces the monster back to hell.

The two ride on for a bit. Rinaldo asks the stranger who he is; the stranger declines to answer. They arrive at the magic fountains of love and hate, where the stranger recommends they rest. Rinaldo agrees, and takes a drink from the fountain of hate.

Immediately, his love for Angelica falls away.

Right, says the stranger, now I can tell you who I am. He introduces himself as the allegorical figure Disdain, sent to break Rinaldo's chains of love. Then he vanishes.

Right then, says Rinaldo, I'd better go to Sericane and get my horse back.

Further allegorical adventures
Rinaldo soon hears about the duel between Orlando and co. and Gradasso etc., and resolves to head there at once. He rides as fast as he can, changing horses every ten miles, but eventually he decides to stop for the night.

Conveniently, he meets another stranger knight, who asks him if he's married.

It happens that I am, says Rinaldo.

Excellent, says the stranger, if you stay at my castle I'll show you something that will interest you.

The stranger's castle is large and luxurious, and is full of future-history statues of renowned, virtuous women. The stranger sits Rinaldo down to dinner, and starts to weep.

What's up, says Rinaldo.

In reply, the stranger presents a golden, gem-encrusted cup. This is a magic cup, he says, and you can only drink from it if your wife is faithful - but usually it spills everywhere.

Women suck, he adds.

Rinaldo, who was until recently questing after a woman who was not his wife, is reluctant to try the cup.

Actually, he says, I don't think I want to know.

People suck, really, he adds.

Wish I'd done that, says the stranger.

He tells his tale: how the sorceress Melissa - presumably the same one, but acting somewhat out of character - fell in love with him, how she gave him the magic cup, how she convinced him his wife was unfaithful even though he could drink from it. How Melissa disguised him as someone else, allowing him to prove his wife's unfaithfulness by seducing her, and how she ran off with the man that he'd been disguised as. How he told Melissa that she could go fuck herself.

Melissa does not come off well in this story.

So now he invites married men to his castle, so he can laugh at them when they spill wine on themselves.

That sucks, mate, says Rinaldo, but don't you think you're taking it all a bit too hard? I mean, Melissa fucked you over, you fucked your wife over, your wife fucked you over, and you fucked Melissa over. You've got to be philosophical, yeah?

Yeah, says the stranger, you're probably right.

The stranger loads Rinaldo into a magic boat, and sends him on his way.

Aboard the ship, Rinaldo discusses the incident with a sailor, wondering if he should have tried the cup after all.

Probably not, says the sailor, who then goes off into a long comic tale of infidelity and justice.

Everyone talks too much, says Rinaldo.

Reunion
Rinaldo travels across Europe until at last he finds Orlando and Olivier, and travels with them back to Biserta. They decide to bring the wounded Sobrino with them; they can't just abandon him, Saracen or no. Sansonet and Astolpho are pleased to see them, but are dismayed that Brandimart is not with them.

They carefully break the news to Flordelice who, thanks to a prophetic dream, is already dressed in mourning.

She is not happy.

An elaborate funeral is held for Brandimart, and Orlando vows to look after Flordelice.

The knights start making their way home, but Olivier's wound is troubling him; the captain of their ship says he knows of a hermit on an island who is pretty whiz at magic cures, probably. Orlando agrees to change course, and they head for the island.

Given that the wounds were received while defending the faith - more or less - the hermit agrees to heal Olivier's foot.

Witnessing the miracle, Sobrino decides to convert himself - and finds himself miraculous cured and all.

Oh by the way, says the hermit, this is Rogero - he's one of your lot now.

Roland sends to the ship for some food, and everyone feasts.

That's a coincidence, says Rinaldo, I had a duel with a guy called Rogero, he was awesome.

Same guy, says Sobrino.

Rogero is inducted into the company. Rinaldo says that he can marry his sister if he wants; Orlando and Olivier agree.

"Sure, guys. Wasn't asking you, but whatever."

Orlando gives Rogero back his arms and horse, plus one of the magic swords. (I'm not sure which, I've lost track.)

Everyone returns home - Astolpho via Ethiopia, by hippogriff - and Rogero is taken to introduced to Charlemagne. His parentage is established and he is welcomed as a son.

Well, a nephew.

Well, technically kin. 

Rogero is overjoyed to see his sister - and delighted to see Bradamante. They embrace.

This confuses Charlemagne considerably, because he and Duke Aymon, Bradamante's father, have just promised the Emperor of Greece that she'll marry his son, Leo.

One last wrinkle
There is a conversation. Rinaldo patiently explains to his father that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Orlando patiently explains to his uncle that he has said Bradamante can marry Rogero. Olivier and Sobrino weigh in, patiently explaining that everyone has agreed that Bradamante can marry Rogero. Aymon patiently explains to his son and nephew and everyone else that they can fuck off.

Bradamante's mother Beatrice explains that an Emperor's son is better than some random vagrant ex-Saracen knight. She is not patient.

Bradamante is torn between filial duty and her love for Rogero. She's actually a bit shocked that no-one is listening to Rinaldo and Orlando: surely if those two fuckheads agree on something, people should pay attention.

Rogero weighs up his options. These are:

1. Ride real quick to Greece and try to explain things to Emperor Constantine.
2. Kill Aymon.
   2a. Kill everyone who tries to kill him for killing Aymon, up to and including Rinaldo and possibly including Bradamante.
3. Kill Leo.
4. Kill himself.
5. Give up the whole thing in despair.

He opts for option 3. Crucially, he leaves without discussing the situation with Bradamante.

Bradamante, meanwhile, goes to Charlemagne.

Am I, or am I not, a fucking knight, she says.

What's your point, he says.

I want a boon, she says.

Sure, he says, what do you want?

I'm not marrying any fucker who can't beat me in combat, she says.

That's fair enough, actually, says the king.

Aymon and Beatrice are not at all pleased. They lock Bradamante in a tower. Technically, she's free to go any time she wants, but they tell her they'll be very disappointed if she leaves.

And when Charlemagne announces the boon to the court, Bradamante immediately wants to tell Rogero.

Except he's fucked off without telling anyone.

Fuck, she says. The fucking fucker.

Eastward ho!
Having decided to kill Leo, Rogero heads east. He finds himself near Belgrade, where the Greek army is engaged with the Bulgars. The Greeks are trying to bridge the Save, and the Bulgars are stopping them. However, the Greek army is a hell of a lot bigger than the Bulgarian one, so while the Bulgar's king Vatran is stopping the main army, Leo takes a force the long way round and charges their flank.

Vadran does not survive. The Bulgar army starts to rout.

Rogero sees his chance: he rides in and rallies the breaking Bulgars. He runs his lance through one of Constantine's nephews, and through sheer manliness and valour turns the tide of the battle.

Leo, watching from a nearby tower, is pretty damned impressed by what he sees. I mean, sure, this guy is on the wrong side, but what an artist! What a genius! What a manly and valorous man!

The Bulgars are victorious and the Greeks retreat. Rather than hang around and have the boring adoration of the Bulgars impede his prevenge, Rogero decides to press on into Belgrade. He takes to an inn, where a Greek soldier promptly recognises his livery and runs off to the local lord, Ungiardo. Ungiardo waits until he's asleep, and captures him.

Emperor Constantine is delighted that this brand new hero of the Bulgars has been delivered to him so quickly. So is his sister Theodora, whose son was killed by Rogero in the battle. Constantine hands Rogero over to Theodora, who has him tortured and imprisoned.

A debt of honour
Leo learns that Rogero has been captured, and is being held by his demented aunt.

This isn't right, he thinks. He bribes the guard and strangles the torturer, and releases Rogero.

Leo's rescue count: +1

Hi, he says, I'm Leo and I think you're awesome.

Fuck, says Rogero, I guess I owe you my life. Fuck.

Leo explains that, if this is a life debt situation, he has a problem that Rogero can help with.

See, he says, my father got me engaged to this French knight, and she won't marry anyone who can't beat her in combat, and, look, she sounds like a complete fucking psycho.

Only, he adds, you're completely fucking awesome - can you disguise yourself as me and fight her for me?

Sure, says Rogero, I guess I have to. Fuck.

A fight for love and glory
Leo and Rogero head back to France. A tourney is arranged. Rogero opts to start with sword - not because Bradamante has a magic invincible lance, but because he doesn't want her to recognise his horse Frontino. He's also careful to take a sword which isn't his normal magical one.

The battle begins, and Bradamante does not hold back. She assails the presumed Leo viciously; only the fact that Rogero is completely encased in unbreakable armour saves him. He's careful to look like he's fighting, but he doesn't want to land a serious blow.

Charlemagne and court are terribly impressed at this Greek's fortitude. Eventually, some time after sunset, the king says he reckons that's enough. While technically he was supposed to beat her, not dying is actually probably sufficient. Bradamante must marry Leo.

Rogero goes back to Leo and tells him that he's won, and then goes sulking off into the forest. Bradamante, meanwhile, considers her options. These are:

1. Kill Aymon and Beatrice and probably Charlemagne
2. Kill Leo
3. Kill herself.

She opts for plan 3, and starts sharpening her knives.

This pisses Marphisa off no end, and she goes and confronts Charlemagne.

You fucking suck, she says, Rogero and Bradamante were totally married in secret beforehand in front of me and I am totally a witness.

Charlemagne calls Bradamante down and asks her if it's true; Bradamante is evasive. Orlando and Rinaldo declare that they are totally convinced by Marphisa's totally plausible story. Aymon declares that he is not.

Well fuck you lot, says Marphisa, if this fucking Greek wants to marry my sister-in-law I'll fucking kill him myself.

A resolution at last
Someone explains to Leo that he's going to need to fight Marphisa.

Fuuuck, says Leo. He takes off in desperate search of Rogero, his champion.

He finds Melissa instead.

Melissa explains that Rogero is probably dying of grief. She explains why.

Well that fucking sucks, says Leo.

Melissa leads Leo through the forest to where Rogero is, curled up in the foetal position.

Hey, man, says Leo gently, have you got something to say? 

Hey, says Rogero.

Rogero explains everything; how he rode to Hungary to kill Leo, how he got captured and rescued himself, how he acted as champion so that Leo could marry Bradamante, and how fucked up the whole thing is.

You should have fucking said something, man, says Leo, I didn't really want to marry her anyway.

Leo says that the whole thing is political from his point of view, to ally the Greek empire with Charlemagne's kingdom. He says he really doesn't want to let politics get in the way of his best friend's happiness.

Look, he says, you should totally marry Bradamante - you earned it and everything.

Also, he adds, I don't want to fight your fucking psycho sister. 

Melissa, Leo and Rogero ride back to Paris. On the way, they meet an emissary from the Bulgars who is looking for Rogero.

Hey look, says the Bulgar, you were awesome back in that battle back there, like amazing, and since we don't exactly have a king at the moment, we were wondering if you'd be up for the gig?

Sure, says Leo, he'd love to.

Leo takes Rogero back to Charlemagne and says: Look, this guy actually won the fight with Bradamante, and guess what, he's the king of Bulgaria and a close personal friend of the Greek crown prince.

Leo tells the story of Rogero's valour back at Belgrade, and explains how he came to be fighting on behalf of the son of the Greek emperor. Everyone is terribly impressed; even Beatrice relents when she learns that Rogero is a king.

Bradamante and Rogero are finally married. Rogero swears fealty to Charlemagne, Melissa blesses the marital bed, and everyone is happy - even if the prophecy says it won't last.

The end.

One last battle
Well, almost.

Just as everyone is settling down to live happily ever after, Rodomont turns up. He accuses Rogero of abandoning his king, and demands satisfaction. They fight; Rodomont is stronger and dominates the duel, until Rogero is able to use a fancy wrestling move to slam Rodomont to the ground. Rogero demands Rodomont yield; Rodomont does not.

So Rodomont dies at Rogero's hand.

The end, for real.



Final rescue tally: 

Astolpho: 14
Melissa: 12
Rogero: 9
Bradamante: 7
Angelica: 7
Orlando: 3
Marphisa: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Leo: 1

--
Well, this was...epic. It was fun, it was funny, it was exciting, it was absolutely fascinating. There was the sense that the poet Ariosto was enjoying himself. I developed a real affection for the characters, especially stoic, heroic Bradamante; gleefully violent Marphisa; bold, good-natured Astolpho; and stupid, stupid Rogero. I loved the little knots and threads of criss-crossing storylines, and the singing and fighting and monsters and allegories and allusions and digressions and just the grandness, the knight-in-shining-armour-ness of it all. 

I do wonder if I'm doing Bradamante an injustice by summarising ten verses of poetical lamentation as "Fuck the fucking fucker!" but fuck it, she's never a wilting maiden; she's a knight, first and foremost, and she has to put up with some serious bullshit.

Next: Gold and Germans.

Ragin' Roland IX: Let's Settle This

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

Rogero rejoins the Saracens, Marphisa joins the Christians
After their adventure with Marganor, Rogero reiterates that he wants to find a way to delicately extricate himself from his oath of fealty rather than simply betraying it. Bradamante, a knight herself, gets it. She and Marphisa head back to Charles' camp.

Everyone is pleased to see her, especially her brothers.

Marphisa - who once vowed to defeat Charlemagne in single combat - is actually quite impressed when she meets the king in person. She gives an eloquent speech, detailing her history, including how she came to be Queen of India. The short version: she was sold to king of India to join his harem; on her "wedding" day, she murdered the king and his court and seized his throne; then she conquered six more kingdoms before she turned eighteen. She admits to having wanted to kill Charlemagne, but admits this as an error: she didn't know they were related, she didn't know Agramant's family had killed her parents, and she didn't know Charlemagne was quite so good.

Happy to convert, she says, then I'll go murder Agramant and baptise my kingdoms. 

Marphisa is baptised in style, by the archbishop/paladin Turpin, with Charlemagne standing in as her father.

Astolpho returns to earth 
Meanwhile, in Ethiopia, Astolpho's divine chariot has made landfall. Saint John tells him of a secret herb that will cure Prester John's blindness, and also gives him secret divine training techniques to prepare the Ethiopians for battle. Astolpho is to lead them on an attack against Biserta in North Africa.

All of this makes Prester John pretty happy.

Astolpho has a couple more preparations to make: acting on divine instruction, he flies south to a particular cave, where he traps Auster, the South Wind, in a bladder. Then he flies to the top of a mountain and starts an avalanche - which, through divine magic becomes a herd of warhorses to mount the Ethiopian troops.

With his new army and his new magic, Astolpho methodically lays waste to Africa, conquering city after city and ultimately besieging Biserta.

Moorish deliberations
News of Astolpho's actions reaches Agramant in France.

Agramant is concerned.

But Marsilius, King of Spain, suggests that this whole thing is pretty unlikely. Ethiopians? On horseback? With a leader on a hippogryph? Most likely Agramant's lieutenant Branzando has exaggerated the situation to cover his own failures. Much better for the Moors to remain in France until Charlemagne is defeated. That's just sense, nothing to do with Spain's self interest.

King Sobrino pipes up at this point, saying that perhaps it might have been better to make peace earlier, rather than listen to Rodomont and his cronies. Sobrino has actually been saying this all along, but it's sounding better now that Rodomont has pissed off and Rinaldo's back on the field. Sure, Orlando's still MIA, but the Saracen army has also lost Gradasso, Mandricardo and Marphisa.  And the Christians now have Guido, Sansonet, Gryphon, Aquilant...

Sobrino's plan isn't just to retreat, however - that leaves Spain exposed, and is pretty cowardly. No, says Sansonet, the Christians are sick of this war too. Better to stake the whole war on a single one-on-one duel.

Rogero's pretty good, says Sobrino.

Charlemagne accepts Agramant's proposal: while he's pretty sure he's winning, he's not really keen on losing any more of his knights. And, besides, with Rinaldo here, how can he lose?

Rinaldo certainly shares that point of view.

Rogero, however, is not keen. He's pretty sure he can take Rinaldo, but he's not keen on killing his future brother-in-law.

For her part, Bradamante has some fairly choice commentary to make: Rogero was supposed to be extricating himself from the Saracen army, not taking sole responsibility for the whole damn thing. Now whatever the outcome, it's not good for Bradamante. Stupid fucker, she says.

Don't worry, says Melissa, I'll fix it.

Where the fuck have you been, says Bradamante.

Don't worry about that either, says Melissa.

Duel!
Rogero and Rinaldo front up to the duelling field, accompanied by the Kings of Africa and Spain on one hand and the King and peers of France on the other. Malagigi suggests that the duel should probably be with axes, since Rogero has a magic sword. (I'm pretty sure Rinaldo does too, but Malagigi doesn't mention it.)

The Kings swear before God the terms of the wager, which is largely to do with the tribute that will be owed to the victor.  Rogero sneaks in a sneaky oath that if his king meddles in the battle or the aftermath his own services will be forfeit to Charlemagne. Rinaldo makes a matching oath, should Charlemagne prove dishonorable.

The battle starts, with Rogero trying very hard not to kill Rinaldo, or to be killed by Rinaldo.

Rinaldo has no such qualms.

The Africans are quite disappointed in this display: they were pretty sure Rogero was better than this. Agramant glares at Sobrino.

Then Rodomont appears! Agramant, he says, how come you've got a kid fighting for the future of your kingdom? How come we don't just attack the Christians?

Rodomont's appearance changes the odds substantially in Agramant's eyes. He orders the Saracens to charge.

What he didn't know was that it wasn't Rodomont at all; it was Melissa, in disguise. Once the battle starts, she vanishes in a puff of magic.

The interruption to the duel confuses Rinaldo and Rogero. They stop their own fight to work out which of the monarchs broke the truce, because that will determine which side they're on.

But no such confusion holds Bradamante and Marphisa. These are both absolutely itching to fight, Bradamante because of the enormous swelling of frustration and angst in her breast, Marphisa because she's Marphisa. They throw themselves into the fight with abandon, fighting side by side and impressing each other with their prowess. Then they split up, because they'll do more damage that way.

Agramant, meanwhile, is wondering where the fuck Rodomont went. Also Sobrino and Marsilius, who have retreated to Arles.

The Saracens are soundly defeated.

Astolpho's triumph
Because Agramant has drained much of Africa's manpower to invade France, Astolpho and Prester John are able to conquer most of Africa pretty easily. Branzardo is holed up in Biserta, and that's apparently the last remaining Saracen city in Africa.

Branzardo offers up a captured paladin, Dudon, as ransom, if Astolpho promises not to raze his city. Astolpho agrees.

Astolpho is pretty pleased with his victory, and decides to return to France. He takes some leaves and throws them into the sea, where divine magic turns them into a fully equipped and manned war fleet. They're just waiting for a favourable wind when a vessel turns up, full of Christians! These are Rodomont's prisoners from the bridge, sent to Africa as slaves. Here's Brandimart, Olivier, Sansonet, and several others.

Technically, Astolpho is the one to set them free, so he gets the rescue. It's a pretty weak rescue, but it did come about from him conquering most of Africa. 

Astolpho's rescue count: +3 named knights, plus, say, 4 others, 7 total.

As everyone is enjoying the reunion, there's an uproar. The locals have been attacked by a naked savage, who is wielding a tree. Not a big tree, but a tree.

There's also a woman in black - it's Flordelice! She and Brandimart are reunited! She's travelling with Bradimart's faithful liegeman Bardino. Brandimart is just about to embrace his old friend when the wild man interrupts with his tree.

It's Orlando! shouts Flordelice.

I've got a plan! shouts Astolpho.

The knights circle Orlando. There is a short and vicious fight, but the five of them are able to wrestle Orlando to the ground and truss him up. They throw him seven times into the sea to clean him up, then stopper up his mouth with moss. Astolpho produces the vial with Orlando's reason, and makes Orlando sniff the vapours.

Orlando comes to his senses.

And feels a little bit stupid.

Astolpho's rescue count: +1 deranged knight.

The rout of the Moors
Agramant is fighting gamefully on, but most of his forces have retreated to Arles and are fleeing by boat. The king abandons the fight entirely when he realises that both Bradamante and Marphisa are pursuing him. He retreats, burning bridges and closing gates as he goes, abandoning such of his troops that are holding bridges and outside gates. He sends his big ships home, leaving some smaller vessels to help him coordinate the stragglers. Sobrino abandons France entirely, and Marsilius retreats to Spain. Eventually Agramant takes what remains of his force sets sail, in a demoralised and bitter fleet.

He is hoping to relieve Biserta, still under siege despite Dudon's ransom, but is surprised to find the sea full of inexplicable magic warships.  Dudon is in command, and several Saracen vessels are sunk. Agramant and Sobrino are able to transfer valuables - including the horse Brigliadoro - to a smaller ship and escape under cover of darkness.

The Christians, now led by Orlando, decide to destroy Biserta once and for all. They offer the city three days grace, and then attack it with full force. After a mighty battle, Biserta falls, and is put to the torch. Branzando takes his own life, and the Agramant's remaining vassals are killed.

Agramant sees the smoke from the city from aboard ship, and asks Sobrino what they should do. Sobrino counsels that they should head to Sericane, and raise a force to win back Agramant's kingdom. Gradasso welcomes the fugitives, and offers two ways by which he might help: he'll take on Orlando in single combat while everyone else fights the Ethiopians; or he'll raise a huge force of Arabs and Persians to reconquer Africa.

Agramant likes these ideas, but says that whatever happens, they'd probably best deal with Orlando first.  He proposes that they challenge Orlando to a two-on-two fight. Sobrino says that he'd like to play too, so they decide to make it three-on-three. They send a messenger to Orlando with the challenge.

Orlando hears that Agramant has his horse and that Gradasso has his sword and Rinaldo's horse, so agrees immediately. He selects Brandimart and Olivier, they equip themselves as best they can, and off they head.

Rogero's troubles
Rogero and Rinaldo spent the battle trying to work out who broke faith first, Agramant or Charlemagne, and were unable to resolve the matter at the time. Eventually, Rogero renews his oath to Rinaldo, and rides off to find out what happened. He follows the route of Agramant's retreat, asking everyone he meets what happened.

It was Agramant, says everyone.

Rogero arrives in Arles to find no boats and no Saracens, so he gloomily heads towards Marseilles. He's still convinced that he can't desert without being called a coward, but he's not really willing to head to Africa to confront Agramant. In Marseilles he finds Dudon's fleet with all of his Saracen captives. He spots a party of Saracen kings - many of them his friends - and decides to rescue them. Dudon objects, and rides to challenge Rogero. They fight.

During the battle, Rogero considers Bradamante's lineage, and notes that her mother was Danish. Dudon is the son of Ogier the Dane, and thus Bradamante's kinsman on her mother's side. Rogero therefore uses the flat of his blade to defeat Dudon. Dudon concedes the battle, and Rogero takes back the seven Saracen kings. He takes a ship, and sails for Africa.

Rogero's rescue count: +7 Saracens. They count, even though they almost immediately drown.

Unfortunately, a storm blows up and the vessel founders. Rogero heads for the skiff, but it's overloaded and sinks. Most of those on it drown, but Rogero surfaces and swims for shore. The ship, which appeared to be lost, survives the storm and drifts, uncontrolled, to the coast of Africa.

Prelude to the triple duel
By a remarkable coincidence, Rogero's ship beaches on the shore just near Orlando and company, who are delighted to find the horse Frontino and all of Rogero's arms and armour. Orlando doesn't need armour, so he gives it to Olivier. The horse he gives to Brandimart, and he takes the sword for himself. They patch up the ship and and sail off to Sericane.

The knights arrive at the appointed duelling ground, a beach. Brandimart - once upon a time, a Saracen and a friend of Agramant's - is sent to negotiate with the Saracens. He says that the Christians are happy to concede the fight and give him all his kingdoms back if Agramant converts.

Agramant is deeply offended. He does not convert.

Rogero's future
Rogero is struggling to reach the shore in a storm. This a good time to rethink his life choices.

Choice number 1: "Probably should have chosen my girlfriend over my boss."

Choice number 2: "Probably should have accepted that the conditions of my oath to Rinaldo were met."

Choice number 3: "Probably should have got baptised before I died."

Should he survive, Rogero resolves to immediately convert, immediately marry Bradamante, and immediately swear fealty to Charlemagne.

Satisfied with these life choices, he finds renewed vigour and a helpful swell, and washes up on shore. He takes stock, and finds that he's on a desolate island. He hadn't considered this outcome: he may have escaped drowning only to starve to death on a rock.

Happily, the rock is not uninhabited: Rogero meets a hermit who has lived here undisturbed for forty years, who is thus extremely holy. The hermit addresses him as a pre-Damascus St Paul, and then explains that oaths made when drowning still count when not. 

Fair enough, says Rogero.

The hermit spends a day instructing Rogero in the mysteries of the faith, and then baptises him.

Then the hermit explains about the prophecy concerning Rogero's death: he'll die within seven years of his conversion, mostly for the deaths of Pinabel and Bertolagi. (It is noted that Bradamante killed Pinabel; basically, it sucks to be Rogero.)

The prophecy continues: Bradamante, heavily pregnant, will quest to find out Rogero's fate; their son, Ateste, will be born in a forest and eventually become a great hero like his parents; Ateste, Bradamante and Marphisa will avenge Rogero's death and burn Poictiers to the ground; Rogero's descendants will eventually become great warriors, heroes, leaders, and, especially, patrons of poets.

Rogero says, Great?

The triple duel
Orlando squares off against Gradasso. Mounted on Bayardo, Gradasso is the more powerful jouster, and Orlando is barely able to get a blow in. Eventually, Orlando is unhorsed; he draws his sword.

Agramant and Olivier and evenly matched, but Brandimart easily unhorses Sobrino. Since Gradasso is still mounted and Orlando isn't, Brandimart turns to face that king. This leaves Sobrino to face Orlando.

Sobrino is no match for Orlando, and is laid flat by a single blow to the head. He's not dead, but he looks it; Orlando turns to see what's happening with Brandimart.

Brandimart isn't losing but he's not winning either; he's riding Frontino, which lets him at least dodge Gradasso's blows. Orlando sees Sobrino's horse, and mounts it. He rides in to challenge Gradasso, and manages to get a strong blow into the joins of his enchanted armour. Gradasso, who has never been seriously injured before, goes into a rage, and retaliates with Durindana, Orlando's own sword, severing Orlando's shield and armour and wounding the knight despite his skin's enchantment. 

Through all of this Agramant and Olivier continue to fight, equally matched - but Sobrino comes to his senses, and sneaks in to stab Olivier's horse from behind. Olivier falls; Sobrino tries to stab him, but he's unable to penetrate Rogero's enchanted armour. Olivier has an arm free to defend himself, but is trapped beneath his dead horse.

Brandimart rides in to engage Agramant. Gradasso is gaining the upper hand, and hits Orlando with a stunning blow. The noise spooks Orlando's horse, which flees. Gradasso makes to pursue, but sees that Brandimart has wounded Agramant and shattered his sword; the king is defending himself with a mere dagger.

Gradasso rides in and cuts Brandimart's head in half.

The shock of this sight brings Orlando back to his senses; he regains control of his horse and rides towards the Saracen kings. He decapitates the beleaguered Agramant. Agramant's head lands at Gradasso's feet; Gradasso doesn't even raise his sword against Orlando's killing blow.

Brandimart, despite having his head split down to the nose, is able to beg Orlando to take care of Flordelice before he dies.

Orlando rescues Olivier from under his horse; Olivier's foot is badly damaged and he can no longer walk. He also finds a heavily wounded Sobrino. Sobrino concedes the fight, and Orlando makes sure he is consigned to good care. Then he gathers up all of the various magic swords, sets of armour and horses, and heads back to France.

Next: The End.

Rescue tally: 

Astolpho: 14
Melissa: 12
Rogero: 9
Bradamante: 7
Angelica: 7
Orlando: 3
Marphisa: 3
Rinaldo: 2

Ragin' Roland VIII: Allegory, Violence and Family Values

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

I have no idea where we left Astolpho, but now he's flying south. Also, east. West, north, up, down. Basically, all over Europe and Africa, in no particular order. He pitches up in Ethiopia.

Astolpho and the harpies from hell
Ethiopia is important, because it has something you don't often find in Africa: a Christian king. Astolpho lands and rides across the golden drawbridge, through the golden gate and up the bejewelled streets. He introduces himself to the king: Senapus, also known as Prester John.

Prester John has a problem, however. He is labouring under a curse: he was struck blind and is beset by harpies. His sin - and it's a big one - was to wage war on God. The king rode his armies into Egypt, up a mountain at the source of the Nile, and into the worldly part of heaven. God opened up heaven's gates, releasing a single angel to destroy the army, and hell's gates, releasing harpies to torment the king. The basic harpy bit has not changed since classical Greece: harass the blind king, foul his food, screech a lot, sort of thing.

The king is very pleased to see - metaphorically - a paladin. He says that, given his sin, asking for remittance is a bit much, but if there's anything Astolpho can do to provide respite, he'll worship him as an angel and the Messiah.

Nah, says Astolpho, I'm just a dude. I'll fight your monsters, but maybe you should save your worship for God?

A banquet is prepared in Astolpho's honour, and sure enough, the harpies gatecrash it. Astolpho turns his sword on them, but they are tough and numerous, and he doesn't win. The meal is ruined.

But Astolpho has another plan. He tells everyone to stuff their ears with wax, and prepare another banquet. He mounts his hippogriff, and just as the harpies arrive for round two, he sounds his horn of terror.

The harpies flee.

Into the pit
The harpies flee into a cave. Astolpho follows them. The cave leads to hell. Astolpho hesitates - is heading into hell really the best plan? But then he figures that his horn of terror has been pretty reliable, and can probably handle anything hell throws at him - up to and including Satan.

In the cave Astolpho faces choking fumes and intangible shades. One of the spirits offers him some breathing space if he'll listen to her tale.

The spirit is Lydia of Lydia, and it turns out that Astolpho is in the hell of faithless women. Lydia tells a tale of seduction, manipulation, bloodshed and betrayal: she pretended to be in love with this guy Alcestes so that he would fight her father's enemies, thinking one of them would probably kill him. Alas, he won every battle, losing all his own friends and allies in the process, and so when he returns, ultimately triumphant, she says that actually she never really loved him.

This is pretty poor behaviour, but eternity in hell seems a bit harsh all the same.

Astolpho briefly considers staying in hell and speaking to more ghosts, but then the smoke rises and he decides that it was a bad idea in the first place.

He has a bit of a wash, and gets on his hippogriff to go check out heaven.

Fruit and flowers
The earthly part of heaven is on top of a mountain in Ethiopia. Astolpho finds that he has an advantage that few knights before him had: a flying steed. Instead of climbing the mountain, he just zips on up.

On the summit of the mountain is a beautiful garden with flowers of precious gems, and trees of fruit and flowers. There's a giant pavilion made of ruby, with an old man waiting for him. This is Saint John the Apostle, and he's very glad to see Astolpho.

Look, says John, Charlemagne's in a bit of trouble, and we want to help, but first you should have something to eat.

Astolpho dines with Saint John, and several old testament prophets. In a true sign of godliness, the prophets make sure the hippogriff has enough to eat first.

"This is great! With fruits like these, no wonder our forefathers couldn't resist!"
"We don't talk about those two, Astolpho."

The next morning, John explains to Astolpho that the problem is Orlando: Orlando isn't smiting Saracens as he should, he's off mooning over some foreign princess. Who isn't even a Christian.

So, says Astolpho, I should go give him a good talking to?

No, says John, we need you to go to the moon.

The prophets load the saint and the paladin into a flaming chariot, and send them into orbit.

A knight on the moon (and a word from our sponsor)
The moon is rather more crowded than Astolpho expected, since it's filled with all the things that have been lost on Earth. There are lakes of lovers' tears, bladders full of sighs, piles of old crowns, and so on. John patiently explains all the symbolism, but Astolpho confesses that it's all going over his head. Disappointed, John pulls out a bottle labelled "Orlando's wit" and gives it to Astolpho.

"There's a lot of flasks up here."
"There's a lot of stupid folk down there."

On the way down, John pops in to say hello to the Fates, busily weaving everyone's destiny. John offers Astolpho a bit of future history, and takes him onward past some allegorical geography.

But the most important lesson that John the Apostle, John the Evangelist has for Astolpho is this:

Poets are awesome. Poets are special. Where would we be without poets? Poets are the only reliable source of immortality since antiquity. Do you need a poet to tell the story of your glory? If you're thinking everlasting worldly fame, think: Poets! Poets - they're pretty great.
PS Please remember to pay your poet.

Thanks, says Astolpho, but I don't feel that was directed at me.

Bradamante at the bridge
Bradamante is still wandering, disconsolate. She has a vague idea to track down Rogero and kill him for his apparent faithlessness, but really she's just miserable.

Flordelice is also miserable, since her Brandimart was captured by Rodomont and imprisoned in a tower. But Flordelice has a mission: find a knight who can defeat Rodomont and free all the tower's captives.

Flordelice is happy to see Bradamante.

Bradamante is happy to have a fight on her hands.

The two ride to the bridge where, sure enough, they are confronted by Rodomont, who explains that he is fighting knights to take their armour and display it on the tower in tribute to the beautiful Isabella, who he murdered.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever fucking heard, says Bradamante.

It's perfectly valid, says Rodomont.

Bradamante says: A better tribute would be to defeat Isabella's murderer in combat and lock him in a tower, which is what I'm going to do.

You're hot, says Rodomont, if I defeat you can I marry you?

Get fucked, you cockwomble, says Bradamante.

They fight.

Bradamante goes into this fight knowing that Rodomont is pretty much the scariest Saracen on the board, but she's ok with that because she's pretty fed up with everything right now. She doesn't actually know that Astolpho's golden lance is magical. It is, though.

Rodomont is unhorsed, and knocked into the middle of the bridge. Bradamante's horse Rabican actually has to dance around the edge of the bridge to avoid trampling him. (Bradamante is nothing if not honourable.)

Rodomont stands up, a little dumbfounded, takes his armour off, and orders his squires to release the prisoners. Bradamante hangs his armour on the tower. The arms on display show that Brandimart, Sansonet and Olivier have been defeated, and a handful of unnamed Saracen knights. The knights themselves are not here.  (It's mentioned that Sacripant's arms are here; there was a challenge involving the horse Frontino. Rodomont defeated him and took his arms, but didn't imprison him as a courtesy to a fellow king.)

Bradamante's rescue count: +0

Bradamante asks Flordelice where's she's going next. Flordelice says she's going to head to Arles, where the Saracens are, and maybe get a boat to Africa to find Brandimart.

Bradamante has a bit of a think, and then says that she'll ride with her a part of the way. She gives Flordelice Rodomont's horse, and says, look, there's something I want you to do.

Bradamante's instructions are as follows: Flordelice is to go into the Saracen camp and find Rogero. She's to give Rogero back the horse Frontino, and say that it's a gift from an anonymous knight. Then she's to say that the knight in question thinks Rogero is a faithless arsehole, and wants him to be properly equipped for their imminent duel.

"Call him a stupid fucker if you want to."

Bradamante on the plain
Flordelice faithfully carries out the mission, and delivers both Frontino and the challenge to Rogero.

Rogero says, what the fuck?

Like, there's a lot of knights who want to fight Rogero, but he's on first name terms with them, plus they're all on his own side.

It's probably Rodomont, thinks Rogero, but why would Rodomont give me his horse?

Meanwhile, Bradamante is on the plain, shouting out a challenge.

Send Serpentine, says Agramant.

Serpentine gets pasted.

Send Grandonio, says Marsillius.

Grandonio gets pasted.

Look, says Bradamante, we could do this all day - could you send out someone worth fighting?

This pisses Grandonio off, so he has another go.

Grandonio gets pasted again.

I'm serious, says Bradamante.

By now the Saracens are speculating about who this knight actually is. Brandimart, probably, they think. Maybe Rinaldo.

Possibly even Orlando.

Ferrau says that he'll have a go.

You're not who I came to fight, says Bradamante, but at least you're worth fighting.

Ferrau asks, Who do you want to fight?

Rogero, says Bradamante.

Well, says Ferrau, if you win I'll tell him.

Also, says Ferrau, you're very pretty.

Ferrau gets pasted but doesn't mind, since he thinks he's fighting an actual angel.

Ferrau seeks out Rogero. I don't know who that guy is, says Ferrau, but he's really pretty and he wants to fight you.

Well then, says Rogero, let's fight. 

Bradamante, Marphisa, and the battle of Arles 
Rogero suits up, and is really keen to fight. The other Saracens ask Ferrau if it's Rinaldo out there.

It's not Rinaldo, says Ferrau, but it could be his little brother - except that everyone knows that Richardetto's crap.

Someone says, doesn't Rinaldo have a sister?

Holy shit, says Rogero.

Meanwhile, however, Marphisa has heard that there's a Christian champion looking for fights, and no-one has asked her. And, she reasons, Rogero will probably beat him and then there's no fight for her at all!

Marphisa puts on a phoenix helmet and rides out.

You, says Bradamante, right.

Marphisa is knocked off her horse. Rather than admit defeat, however, she draws her sword and indicates that she wishes to continue the fight.

Oh I will fucking do you, says Bradamante.

They continue to fight; Bradamante does not do Marphisa the courtesy of dismounting. The thing about the golden lance, however, is that it is designed to win jousts, not kill people. All it's really doing is knocking Marphisa down and pissing her off.

At this point the French army wakes up to the fact that there's a fight going on, and charge. Agramant opens the gates, and the Saracens ride out.

Rogero's mental state is complicated. He doesn't want Marphisa to kill Bradamante. He doesn't want Bradamante to kill Marphisa. He also doesn't want his side to lose the battle, but that's way down the list of priorities. He rides in between Marphisa and Bradamante to separate them, and engages with Charlemagne's forces.

Marphisa gets turned around and isn't able to continue her fight, which pisses her the fuck off. Bradamante sees Rogero ride past, and pursues him. She calls him out for his dishonour and faithlessness, and demands that he stand and fight.

Rogero says, what the fuck?

Fight or die, says Bradamante.

They face off, and ride towards each other. Rogero sees just how serious she is. He needs to do something dramatic.

He lowers his shield and turns his heart towards her lance.

At the last minute, she pulls up her own lance, and rides by.

The battle continues, and Bradamante is very much the hero of the day. Unwilling to kill Rogero, she vents her rage on several hundred Saracens. The Saracens rout.

During the mop-up, Rogero rides up, and says, look, can we talk?

Bradamante gallops off into the forest. Rogero follows.

So does Marphisa. Marphisa is worried about Rogero. Also, she's worried that if she lets them go she won't get to fight Bradamante some more.

That's probably her biggest worry, actually.

The forest of love and ghosts
Rogero chases down Bradamante in a grove. Bradamante swears at him. A lot. Then she spots Marphisa, and runs her down with the lance again. This time, she's determined to end her; she dismounts and draws her sword.

Rogero tries to separate them, but can't get in between the flashing blades. Then the women end up dropping their swords and trying to throttle each other, which makes Rogero's task slightly easier. He's able to drag Marphisa away.

There is literally nothing that pisses Marphisa off more than being dragged away from a fight.

Marphisa picks up her sword and goes Rogero.

The fact that Rogero is not dead in seconds impresses Bradamante, as well it should, and the fact that he's actually fighting her at all makes her wonder if she may not have gotten the wrong end of the stick.

Still, he's not fighting to kill, and Marphisa is. She lands a blow on his shield that numbs his arm; he's forced to retaliate heavily. But what should be a killing blow sticks into the stone of a tomb instead.

A ghost appears.

Holy shit, says the ghost, is that Rogero? Marphisa?

It adds, Holy shit, please don't kill each other!

The ghost has a tale to tell. The tale involves a Saracen princess, set adrift in a leaky boat by her wicked brothers by way of assassination. They may or may not have known that she was pregnant.

The murderous plot failed, anyhow, when the boat ran out of sea. The princess gave birth to twins, and died. A passing stranger - the ghost, back in the living days - found the twins. He buried the mother as best he could, and captured a lioness to feed the babies. They thrived, says the ghost, although the lion cubs probably died.

However: the sort-of-family was attacked by robbers! The girl twin was kidnapped!

The ghost - when he was alive - was heartbroken, and swore to do everything he could to protect the boy twin. But, alas, he foresaw that the boy would convert to Christianity and die...

Wait, says Rogero, you're the ghost of Atlantes?

Yeah, says the ghost of Atlantes, I died offscreen after you escaped my knight-trapping dome.

Bugger, says Rogero.

Anyway, says the ghost of Atlantes, before I died I prophesied that you and Marphisa would try and kill each other at my tomb so I petitioned the gods of the underworld...

Wait, says Marphisa, I'm the girl twin?

Yeah, says the Ghost of Atlantes.

Wow, she says, I thought I was just an orphan who had been bought from robbers by an Indian king and raised as his own - hey, wait!

Marphisa asks Rogero to explain their lineage, which Rogero had learned from Atlantes. Rogero explains the descent from Hector of Troy down to Rogero the elder, who fell in love with the warrior-princess Galaciella, daughter of Agolant, King of Africa. She snuck away, converted, and married Rogero pere; this was what made them so murderously angry. Galaciella was set adrift as previously described. The elder Rogero was betrayed by his brother and murdered by the same two Saracens.

Marphisa does some calculations, and realises that this would be Agramant's uncle and father that they're talking about.

She says to Rogero: so you knew all this?

Sure, he says.

And yet, she says, for some reason that I can only assume is cowardice, you never killed Agramant in bloody revenge for wrongs done to our parents, because you're a wuss.

It's complicated, says Rogero, because Agramant is the one who knighted me and murdering one's lord is frowned upon in chivalric circles.

It's not fucking complicated at all, says Marphisa, I'll fucking do it.

Marphisa makes a plan: convert to Christianity like her parents; murder Agramant.

Bradamante likes this plan a lot, and suggests that they both join up with Charlemagne, because honestly that will make her conversation with her parents about her betrothal so much simpler.

Bradamante is pretty happy with this turn of events, actually, because it means there's no real reason to kill either Rogero or Marphisa.

Rogero asks if he can go and hand in his notice to Agramant first.

Fuck's sake, say Marphisa and Bradamante.

Marphisa's law
The three knights are interrupted by screaming. They investigate. What they find is pretty shocking: three women, stripped naked and beaten.

One of them is Ulania, the Queen of the Lost Isle.

Ulania explains that they were set upon in a nearby village. She does not know what has happened to her golden shield, nor her three kings. She intends to find Charlemagne and demand justice.

Justice is here, says Bradamante.

The three knights fashion tunics out of their armour's lining, and carry the women on their horses. They come to a rough settlement that appears to consist entirely of women of all ages.

The women are exiles, they explain. In the town they come from, women have been outlawed. Every one of them was driven out violently, and they have been unable to return for two years. If any of their male family members try to help them, they're arrested and tortured.

Holy fucking shit, says Rogero.

The villain is the Knight Marganor, who has issues with women.

Marganor has always been an arsehole, but he used to have two sons reknowned for their courtesy and niceness. Because of these two, the kingdom was actually a pretty good place. But the first son, Cylander, fell in love with the wife of a visiting Greek knight, and was killed in the resulting joust. The second son, Tanacro, had a similar but more complicated fate: he fell in love with Drusilla, the wife of a visiting noble. There was murder, betrayal, serious head injuries, forced marriage, subterfuge and poison, and Tanacro ended up murdered by Drusilla. At this point, Marganor lost his shit: he drew his sword, killed Drusilla, and continued to murder any woman he saw.

Thus: women are outlawed, and any who approach the town are stripped and beaten.

Bradamante and Marphisa are, at this point, incandescent.

The two ride into town - followed by Rogero - and interupt an execution: the old woman who provided the poison to Drusilla. They learn that Marganor has captured Drusilla's maid, and intends to torture her to death. They grab the old woman and ride up to the castle.

The knights make short work of Marganor's men-at-arms, and Marphisa takes the villain captive. She strips him and gives him to Drusilla's maid to look after. The maid looks after him appropriately.

Rescue count: Marphisa and Bradamante, +1 each.

Bradamante loudly recommends putting all of the townsfolk to the sword; Marphisa argues in favour of putting the town to the torch instead. Unless they're willing to make repeal Marganor's woman-murdering statutes, that is.

It turns out Marphisa is scarier than Marganor.

Now, hear this, she says:

"This is Marphisa's law. All the women you exiled are welcome in this town. Every right a man has, a woman  has too. And the women will be running the place, you hear me? I'll be back in a year, and if my law is not in effect, I'm putting the whole place to the torch. Sound fair, Bradamante?"
"That sounds so fucking fair, Marphisa."

The townsfolk are very keen to demonstrate their commitment to this law, preferably by murdering Marganor. The old woman starts by torturing him with a goad.

The three knights drag Marganor before Ulania, who sentences him to imprisonment in the tower. The queen is able to recover her treasures from the castle, and finds her three kings imprisoned in the dungeon. The evil law is struck down, and replaced with Marphisa's; Marganor's armour is hung before it.

Ulania remains as queen of the castle, and before long she secretly forces Morganor out of the highest window.

Just to be sure.

Next: Let's settle this.

Rescue tally: 

Melissa: 12
Bradamante: 7
Angelica: 7
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Marphisa: 3
Rogero: 2
Rinaldo: 2