Ragin' Roland VII: Rodomont's Bridge

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

Rodomont is drunk, Rogero is pissed off, Zerbino is dead and Bradamante is...where is Bradamante, anyway?

Isabel meets her (terrible) fate
Rodomont wakes up from his bender with a hangover, and continues his journey back to Africa. He boards a boat and sails around for a bit, but his heartbreak does not abate. He holes up in an abandoned church for a while, to allow his feelings to mend. It's a pretty church, near a prosperous village, verdant fields, picturesque locals, sort of thing. As he's heading up to take possession, a damsel, a hermit and a corpse come by.

This is Isabel: she had been prepared to off herself with Zerbino's dagger, but a passing hermit stopped her and promised to take her to a nunnery.

Isabel is gorgeous, and she catches Rodomont on the rebound. He smooths down his hair, straightens his armour and goes down to say hi. He scoffs at the idea of her joining a nunnery, telling her she's far too pretty. The hermit objects with reasonable and well-thought-out theological arguments. Rodomont picks him up by the neck and throws him into the sea.

Isabel is terrified, so Rodomont decides that he must show her just how kind and gentle he can be. He imprisons her in his tower, and starts meekly fawning over her. This terrifies her even more. And since it doesn't work, Rodomont starts resorting to threats and bluster, which, again, terrifies her.

Isabel insists that she will give herself to god, but she offers a deal: if Rodomont lets her go, she will give him the secret of a herb she knows, that can be used to make a salve of invulnerability.

Rodomont reluctantly agrees; he is enamoured, but if he had a magic potion that made him invincible, he could conquer all of Gaul. All? All.

Isabel spends quite a bit of time preparing the potion. Rodomont and his men, meanwhile, get drunk. (It's noted that Rodomont, as a muslim, is not technically permitted to get drunk. It is further noted that Rodomont does not, at this juncture, give a shit.)

Isabel presents herself to Rodomont. I've made the salve, she said, and to demonstrate how it works, I've anointed myself with it. She enjoins him to hit her with his sword.

Aim for the neck, she says.

And Rodomont chops her head off.

Holy fuck, he says, what have I done?

Rodomont's weird bridge thing
Rodomont summons an army of masons, and has them build a grand tomb for Isabel and Zerbino. He also has them build a tower, and he vows to decorate it with a hundred suits of armour in Isabel's honour, which is a perfectly valid expression of grief and regret and not at all weird. He takes station near a bridge - just wide enough to joust on, two horses enter, one horse leaves sort of thing - and issues a challenge to all comers.

The challenge is answered by adventuresome knights from across the land. Rodomont is, of course, one of the mightiest pagan knights, and he tends to win. For the defeated Saracens, he takes their armour and sends them on their way. The Christians he imprisons in the tower with the intention of sending them to Africa as slaves.

It's a pretty sweet deal, and he's making progress towards his neither weird nor arbitrary target.

Then the demented Orlando happens by. Orlando wants to cross the bridge (as much as Orlando can be said to want anything at this point).

Hey weird naked dude, says Rodomont, this bridge is for knights, and there are rules.

Urgh, says Orlando, Urghurgle.

You asked for it, says Rodomont. They grapple.

At this point, Flordelice, still looking for her Brandimart, happens by. She wonders how a scruffy naked dude can hold his own against a fully armoured Saracen champion. Rodomont is wondering the same thing, and tries to lift Orlando off his feet to get control of the situation. Orlando, relying on brute force and ignorance, forces them both off the bridge.

At this point, Flordelice recognises him.

Rodomont is dragged down the river a way, dragged down by his armour. Orlando is unencumbered; he surfaces easily and climbs ashore. He gets into a tussle with some passing mountain men, and kicks their ass up the mountain. (Their literal ass, that is.) Then he meets a pair of newlyweds.

Holy shit, it's Angelica and Medoro.

Angelica does not recognise Orlando at all, since he's such a complete fucking mess. Orlando's hindbrain recognises her, though, and he dives for her. Medoro leaps in to defend her with a decapitating blow, but immediately discovers that Orlando's skin is invulnerable. Orlando kills Medoro's horse with a single blow, and Angelica flees. She has the presence of mind to put her ring of magic resistance and also invisibility into her mouth, but falls off her horse as she's doing so.

Orlando chases down the horse on foot, and leaps onto its back. He is terribly distressed to find that Angelica has vanished, and he rides the horse into the ground trying to find her. Then he puts the horse on his back to continue the search, before eventually deciding that the horse can walk. The horse, still exhausted, hurt and confused, walks slowly. Orlando drags it along. He doesn't notice when it dies.

He meets a shepherd, and offers to trade horses.

Yours is dead, says the shepherd.

It'll get better, says Orlando.

No, says the shepherd, it won't.

So Orlando kills him and takes his horse.

He rides it to the shore, where he sees a boat. He calls for the boat to stop, which it doesn't. Orlando decides to pursue it on horseback. The horse drowns.

Sometime later, Orlando is washed ashore, still mad.

A return to the great big Saracen duelling circle
Back at Agramant's camp, Rogero still wants to fight Mandricardo over the right to wear Hector's arms on his shield. However, Gradasso insists that Mandricardo can't use Orlando's sword, since its ownership is still in doubt.

Ok, says Agramant, there will be one fight, and that will settle the sword, the shield, everything.

Rogero is chosen at random to fight Mandricardo. This makes Rogero happy.

You better make this good, boy, says Gradasso.

Marsilius points out that they can't really afford to lose either Rogero or Mandricardo at this point.

Shut up, says Agramant. Then: actually that's a good point, maybe we can postpone.

Doralice is bent to the same purpose: can't you just let the kid have the heraldry, she begs, because I don't actually want you to die.

But, says Mandricardo, I'm in invulnerable armour with a magic sword, and he's just a kid. What could possibly go wrong?

Then Rogero comes up and says, Hey dickhead, you ready to fight?

And Mandricardo says, Oh, it's on.

It's a brutal battle. Mandricardo gets first blood: a blow that split's Rogero's shield, breastplate and chest. Rogero returns with a mighty blow which narrowly misses Mandicardo's head, but does connect with his arms. Mandricardo drops his reins.

Brigliadoro is not enjoying this fight, and Mandricardo finds it hard to control him. Rogero is able to recover. Mandricardo eventually gets control of the horse, and rises in his stirrups to deliver a death blow to Rogero.

Rogero is quicker.

Rogero gets him under his arm, where there's a gap in the armour.

Mandricardo drops his shield, his blood spilling over Hector's emblem.

That means I win, says Rogero. And falls over.

At home with Bradamante
Meanwhile, Hippalca has returned to Bradamante with Rogero's letter, explaining that he's going to fight on the Saracen side for a bit.

Well, that's a fucking stupid decision, says Bradamante.

But she waits out the allotted time.

Rogero does not turn up.

Do you think something's happened to him, she asks.

He was pretty good in a fight, says Richardetto, and besides, Marphisa's with him.

Who? says Bradamante.

This fucking awesome Saracen chick, says Richardetto. He adds: man she was hot.

Oh really, says Bradamante.

At this point Rinaldo turns up, taking a break from his quest to find Angelica to visit his wife and kids at home. The news arrives that Charlemagne has been defeated, largely thanks to Rogero and Marphisa.

We...probably should do something about that, says Rinaldo.

Rinaldo gathers his brothers - Guichard, Richard, Alardo, Richardetto - and cousins - Aldigier, Vivian and Malagigi. They mount up and head for Paris.

Bradamante stays home, hoping that Rogero will turn up.

Meeting the family
On the road to Paris, the party meets a stranger knight, offering a challenge. Richardetto rides out to joust him, but gets knocked on his arse. Alardo follows suit, and joins him on the ground.

My turn, says Rinaldo, but Guichardo gets there first. And hits the ground.

Ditto Richardo, Malagigi, Vivian.

Now it's my turn, says Rinaldo.

(Aldigier remains silent, for reasons of his own.)

Rinaldo and the stranger joust; they hit each other so hard that the stranger's horse breaks in half.

I'm think I'm going to have to fight you over that, says the stranger.

I can give you another horse, says Rinaldo.

Not the point, says the stranger.

On foot then, says Rinaldo, and I'll give you my horse if you win.

They fight. They fight a lot. They fight all day. They hit hard enough to shatter each others shields and armour. It's a long, drawn-out, furious thing.

Eventually, Rinaldo notes that it's getting dark and maybe they should stop for the night.

Fair enough, says the stranger.

They set up in pavilions; Rinaldo arranges for a horse to be provided to his opponent.

I'm Rinaldo, says Rinaldo.

Holy shit, says the stranger, I've been looking for you.

The stranger knight introduces himself: it's Guido the Savage, bastard son of Aymon and brother to most of the company.

"Wait a second - those other guys..."
"Your brothers. And some cousins."
"Really? They were pretty crap."
"Yeah. But wait till you meet our sister!"

The next day the squad comes across Gryphon and Aquilant, along with Sansonet. Also with them is Flordelice, who is visibly distressed. She is distressed because (a) Orlando has gone mad and (b) Mandricardo nicked his sword. But Gradasso has it now, she says, because Mandricardo is dead.

(Nobody mentions saving Oliver and Ogier, so I assume they're still captive.)

Rodomont's bridge, again
The Mont Alban force is now actually pretty huge. They arrive at the battle site to find the Moors and Saracens lulled and sleepy. Rinaldo leads a stealth attack on the camp; they are victorious. The king is saved!

"Rinaldo? About fucking time you showed up."

Flordelice is happy: she has finally found Brandimart! They embrace! They snog! They embrace some more!

But wait, she says, I need to tell you about Orlando.

She explains about Orlando's madness, and Rodomont's bridge and tower, which was the last place she saw him.

Brandimart immediately rides off to find Orlando; Flordelice rides with him, not willing to let him out of her sight again.

Rodomont has regained his place on the bridge, and calls out his challenge. Brandimart is not one of the top-tier knights, however, and loses. He and his horse are knocked into the river.

Flordelice begs Rodomont - in Isabel's name - to save him, on account of him being so very pretty. Rodomont reluctantly agrees, and drags Brandimart and his horse out of the stream.

Then he locks him in his tower. Rules are rules.

Flordelice rides off to find someone to rescue Brandimart.

Gradasso v. Rinaldo (I)
Agramant wakes up to find his army in mid-rout. Rinaldo and Malagigi are mopping up the stragglers, and most of the Saracen army is fleeing. Agramant tries to get some control, and manages to get some of them aboard ships to retreat to safety. He makes the wounded Rogero a particular priority, making sure he's safe.

Gradasso, however, has spotted Rinaldo, and has also spotted Rinaldo's horse Bayardo. Gradasso had two goals in coming to France: Orlando's sword (tick!) and Rinaldo's horse. He ignores the disordered troops around him and calls out Rinaldo to single combat. These two last faced off right at the beginning of Innamorato; Gradasso thinks Rinaldo wussed out, when actually he'd been kidnapped by Malagigi to help Angelica. Rinaldo agrees to a duel tomorrow at dawn; the battleground is to be a nearby beach. The terms: Bayardo against Durindana, Orlando's sword.

Rinaldo's friends and family are weirdly nervous about the upcoming duel - how can he hope to stand against Gradasso, armed with Durindana? He's only the second or third best knight in Christendom! Malagigi in particular fears the worst, but is reluctant to screw up Rinaldo's duel a second time.

Still at home with Bradamante
Bradamante is pretty miserable. She is convinced that Rogero would not betray her, and very aware that he has not actually turned up. This is a problem for her.

Mostly, she blames Melissa for getting her hopes up.

She spends several stanzas moping, and then decides to do something: she heads off to track Rogero down.

Along the way she meets an unnamed knight who had been imprisoned by the Saracens. She asks about Rogero. The knight gives the whole story: the duel, the wound, the rout.

But don't worry, says the knight, there's this gorgeous warrior chick looking after him. Reckon they'll be married when the kid gets better, he adds. This is apparently the prevailing rumour in the Saracen camp.

This does not do Bradamante's mental state any good at all. She wonders how anyone could be so false and yet so very, very pretty.

She briefly considers killing herself, then decides that she'd rather kill a lot of other people.

Marphisa, for example.

The Queen of the Lost Isle
Bradamante wisely decides to avoid all her brothers, and instead makes her own way in pursuit of the Saracen army. The downside is that this makes her vulnerable to sidequests and random encounters.

She meets a beautiful lady - the Queen of the Lost Isle, also known as Ulania - who is accompanied by the kings of Sweden, Gothland and Norway. She has vowed to marry the most valiant knight, and these three are here hoping for a chance to demonstrate their valour, preferably at the expense of the others. The queen's plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity: she has a golden shield, which she will give to Charlemagne, who will give it to the most valiant knight, who she will marry. If it turns out to be one of her kings, that's great, but if not: hey, valour!

This strikes Bradamante as a bad plan. The last time a foreign princess arrived offering herself as a prize for the most valiant knight, it set off an epic chain of conflicts and events that are even now still playing out.

Also, what if Rogero wins it? It's a long shot, given that he's on the other side, but it's where her mind is.

She wanders on. It starts to rain. She heads to a nearby tower: Tristram's Tower.

The castellan calls out a friendly welcome, and then lays down the rules: there's only room for one knight, and so if there's more than one knight they have to joust for it.

Also, there's only room for one lady, and so if another lady wants to come only the prettiest is allowed in.

Shut up and let me in, she says.

There's already a lady and a knight here, he says.

Well get them fucking out here, she says.

It's raining, he says.

I know it's fucking raining, she says.

For some reason there's not one knight, but three: the kings she met earlier in the day. The lady is the Queen of the Lost Isles.

Armed with Astolpho's magic lance and a towering rage, Bradamante unhorses the three of them in one pass.

You can come in, says the castellan.

Bradamante listens patiently while the castellan explains the story behind the custom, a long and rambling bit involving Tristram and Yseult of Arthurian legend, jealousy, revenge, that sort of thing.

Then she sits down to dinner, at which point the castellan points out that there are two ladies present, which is not allowed. Bradamante is the prettiest, he says.

Bradamante says: I am a knight, and you will treat me as a knight. This lady is a queen, and you will treat her as a queen. Fuck your stupid rules.

You make a compelling argument, says the castellan.

Bradamante and the Queen of the Lost Isles spend a pleasant evening, warm and cosy, watching the tower's magic tapestries that show all of past and future history.

That night, when the restless knight finally drops off to sleep, Rogero visits her in a dream. He says that he  loves her and that he's finally arrived to be baptised and married, and...

...then she wakes up.

Fucking fucker, she says.

She gets dressed and armed, says goodbye to the queen and the castellan, rides out past the shivering kings, and heads off. The kings, pretty sure now that they're not going to win the golden shield, chuck their arms and armour into the moat, and wander off themselves.

Gradasso v. Rinaldo (II)
Gradasso and Rinaldo face off on the beach. Bayardo is tethered nearby. The knights go at it. Gradasso is stronger, but Rinaldo is far more skilful. That would probably make a bigger difference if Gradasso wasn't wearing yet another set of magic impervious armour.

But then Bayardo gets spooked by a giant demon bird. The bird tries to eat Bayardo, but the horse kicks it in the face, breaks its tether and bolts into the forest.

Did you summon that thing, Rinaldo asks Malagigi.

Noooo, says Malagigi.

We should probably go after him, says Rinaldo to Gradasso.

Yeah, says Gradasso. Gradasso mounts his own horse, and rides off.

Fucker, says Rinaldo.

Gradasso finds Bayardo cowering in a crevice, and takes possession. Technically, for honour's sake he should take the horse back to the duelling ground and continue the fight with Rinaldo. But, reasons Gradasso, I've come all the way to France for this horse; if Rinaldo wants to fight for it, he should have to come all the way to Sericane.

He calls for a ship, and sails off.

Next: Astolpho goes to hell.


Rescue tally (no change): 
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 7
Bradamante: 6
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Marphisa: 2
Rogero: 2

Ragin' Roland VI: Strife with Saracens

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

Orlando has cast off his sword and armour and is now running naked through the greenwood, tearing out trees, plundering villages and picking up peasants and using them to hit other peasants. His immense strength and invulnerable skin make him pretty difficult to deal with, and pretty soon the main peasant tactic becomes 'run away'! We'll ignore him in favour of Zerbino, who's wondering what happened to him.

Zerbino and the crone (III)
Zerbino and Isabel, wondering what happened to Orlando, come across a knight held captive by two other knights. By a staggering coincidence, the prisoner is Odoric, once Isabel's protector, then captor, and once fast friend of Zerbino's. The two knights are Gallacians: Corebo and and Almonio. Corebo is the knight who tried to defend Isabel from Odoric in the first place; Odoric left him for dead, but it turns out he wasn't. Almonio found him and nursed him back to health, and the two have been wandering around looking for any or all of Odoric, Isabel or Zerbino ever since.

And here they all are.

Zerbino is just considering whether to have Odoric executed for treachery - and against that, there's Odoric's convincing argument that obviously he would fall in love with Isabel if left alone with her - when an uncontrolled horse comes galloping through. It's Gabrina: Mandricardo has taken her bridle but left her on a horse, which has apparently been thundering through the forest ever since.

This gives Zerbino an opportunity to show some mercy: he sentences Odoric to be Gabrina's champion, protector and companion for a year. This seems pretty lenient to Corebo and Almonio. You haven't met Gabrina, says Zerbino. Odoric swears a mighty oath that he will do as he is bid.

Odoric and Gabrina ride off and out of the story - though the poet notes that Odoric almost immediately broke his oath and hanged Gabrina with a bridle; and Almonio did the same to Odoric a year later.

Zerbino meets his (terrible) fate. 
Zerbino sends everyone but Isabel back to Paris to let the court know what's going on, and continues on through the wood.

Pretty soon he meets a disconsolate maiden: this is Flordelice, beloved of Brandimart. Brandimart has been missing in action for many months, and Flordelice is now searching the length and breadth of Europe for him.

(Actually, Brandimart has recently been rescued by Astolpho and has gone back to Paris, but Flordelice doesn't know that.)

The three come across Orlando's discarded armour and sword, and Brigliadoro, his horse. A peasant passes in a panic, and explains that these things must have been discarded by the naked madman currently tearing up his village.

Uh, says Zerbino. Not quite knowing what to do, he arranges the armour and sword on a tree, with a board saying "These are ORLANDO's, don't touch if you know what's good for you!"

Then Mandricardo rides up, sees the sword and yoinks it.

That's Orlando's, says Zerbino.

Where's Orlando, says Mandricardo.

He's gone mad, says Zerbino.

I reckon he's faking so he doesn't have to fight me for the sword, says Mandricardo.

Well, you'll have to fight someone for it, says Zerbino. Zerbino draws his sword.

Zerbino is good, but Mandricardo is better. A lot better. Also, he has Hector's enchanted armour. And he has a magic sword now. Zerbino fights gamely, but Mandricardo delivers him several serious wounds.

The fight is called off by Doralice, who is extremely sympathetic to Isabel's evident distress.

Mandricardo rides off with Durindana, Orlando's sword.

Flordelice rides off, muttering that Brandimart will hear of this.

And Zerbino dies in Isabel's arms.

Mandricardo and Rodomont
Mandricardo and Doralice are setting up camp for the knight, when Doralice spots Rodomont approaching. Rodomont is questing for Doralice, and intends to fight Mandricardo for her. Mandricardo, having completed his set of Hector's accoutrements, is all in favour of such a fight.

Hey dickhead, he shouts, bring it on.

Battle is joined, and it's huge. Rodomont and Mandricardo are both enormously potent fighters. Furious blows are exchanged. The battle lays waste to the surrounding forest.

Then Mandricardo's horse rears up, and Rodomont chops through its skull. Rodomont, never particularly sporting, charges at the dismounted knight, but Mandricardo knocks his horse out from under him. The two face off again, this time on foot.

The battle is not interrupted by the arrival of a messenger from Agramant, because the messenger doesn't quite know how to get in between the blades to pass on the message. He explains to Doralice that Marsilius and Agramant are in a pretty bad way, and both Mandricardo and Rodomont have been summoned to support the Saracen forces.

Let me deal with this, says Doralice. She steps between the combatants, and tells them to cool it.

They cool it.

Listen to me, says Doralice, I'm not going with either of you until this whole war thing is sorted.

Ah, say Rodomont and Mandricardo. Then: fair enough.

Mandricardo's just trying to work out what he's going to ride when Brigliadoro ambles past, so that's sorted.

The rescue of Richardetto
Rogero is in a pickle. He knows that Agramant, his liege, is not doing very well in the war and has called for succour. On the other hand, he's lost his girlfriend. He decides that his best bet is to finish the bit of rescuing that he started with Bradamante, then pop round to Agramant's camp and see if he still needs succour. He justifies this by telling himself he can't just abandon the distressed damsel who asked him and B. to save...some guy.

It's a good choice, because he arrives into town to find a terribly beautiful knight tied to a stake, about to be burned to death!

To the rescue!

I should point out here that Rogero has made an assumption that is not entirely true. He has assumed that the knight bound to the stake is his lady love Bradamante, who - he assumes - has attempted to rescue the doomed knight and been captured herself. Because of this false assumption, he fights like a demon. The raging mob is driven off, and the damsel cuts the knight down.

(Rogero's rescue count: +1)

Rogero is shocked to find that it's not Bradamante. It's not even a girl.

That was some rescue, says the stranger.

Don't take this the wrong way, says Rogero, but I thought you were my girlfriend.

Oh, this happens all the time, says the stranger. He introduces himself as Richardetto, Bradamante's twin brother. They're hard enough to tell apart at the best of times, but since she got a head wound and cut her hair, they're practically identical.

Richardetto goes on to tell a story:

"Yeah, like this one time, Bradamante saved this chick, and the chick totally fell in love with her, and Bradamante is all like, 'hey, I'm not a dude,' and this chick is all like 'well I'm in love with you so you better be a dude’..."
"You don't have to tell me this whole story..."
"So she gets back and tells us about it and I'm like, I know this chick and she's really hot, so I steal Bradamante's armour and ride back and say that I saved this nymph who granted me this one wish and I wished to be a dude, just for her. And she was like super grateful, if you know what I mean..."
"Please stop..."
"And anyway I was there for months and her dad found out and that's how come I was tied to a stake and everyone was going to kill me. So thanks, dude!"

Richardetto and Rogero ride off towards a nearby town, where they meet Aldigier, Richardetto's cousin. Aldigier has grave news: his half-brothers Vivian and Malagigi have been captured by Ferrau the Saracen! Actually, that happened way back near the start of the book, if not the end of the last one. But Aldigier knows where they are! They're being held captive by Bertolagi of Maganza, who has joined up with the Saracens!

Rinaldo has been sent for, but Richardetto says he's pretty sure Rogero could do the rescuing.

At this point, Rogero remains in a pickle. His liege is being harassed by Christians, and here's Rogero hobnobbing with them! And Bradamante was nowhere near the adventure site!

He weighs up his options: should he proceed to the abbey, where he can convert and get married, and so abandon his king? Or should he defend his king even if it means fighting Bradamante's kin?

He decides to write a letter to Bradamante:

"Dear Brads, I've decided to go and rescue Agramant, and after that I swear I'll come and convert and marry you and everything, should be a couple of weeks at most, hope that's ok, love Rogero. 
PS: it's an honour thing, I know you understand. 
PPS: going to rescue your cousins first.
PPPS: your brother's a bit of a dick."

A rescue and a battle
The three knights set out to rescue Vivian and Malagigi. They are immediately accosted by another knight, who challenges them all to a joust.

We'd love to, says Aldigier, but we're on a rescue mission.

Oh, says the stranger, do you want help?

Sure, says Aldigier.

Hi, says the knight, I'm Marphisa and I really just want to fight someone.

They come across the caravan that's transporting the prisoners. Marphisa comes up with a simple yet elegant battle plan: let's attack them!

The plan works rather better than it might have: because they're being attacked by Rogero and Marphisa, technically pagans, the Maganzese think that the Moors they're dealing with have betrayed them. The whole thing turns into a free-for-all, which ends in a complete rout of both the Moors and the Maganzese.

Rogero is hugely impressed with Marphisa's fighting; Marphisa, likewise with Rogero's. Actually, everyone's hugely impressed with Marphisa's fighting, but she's busy chatting to Rogero now and ignoring everyone else.

Vivian and Malagigi are rescued. The party finds a magic fountain laid down by Merlin, whose carvings represent all past and future history. Malagigi, a crap sorcerer as well as a crap knight, provides a great deal of exposition on this. Vivian listens. Rogero and Marphisa swap sword-polishing tips.

(Rescue count: Marphisa and Rogero, +1 each. Aldigier and Richardetto are pretty useless.)

Shortly after lunch a maiden wanders by: this is Hippalca, Bradamante's messenger. She explains that she was sent by Bradamante with a horse for Rogero - which was stolen by Rodomont. She's been hoping to catch up with Rogero, Richardetto, Aldigier or, basically, anyone, ever since.

As luck would have it, Mandricardo, Rodomont and Doralice happen to ride by the fountain at this point. Marphisa has discovered some dresses in Bertolagi's train, and decided to try one on. Mandricardo falls in love with her immediately, and decides to joust for her. He quickly defeats Vivian, Malagigi, Aldigier and Richardetto, and announces to Marphisa that he has won her by defeating, presumably, her lord.

If any of those had been my actual lord, says Marphisa, maybe you'd be right. Then she adds: you want to fight? Fight me.

She dons her armour and goes Mandricardo. The initial joust is inconclusive, so they dismount and hack at each other with swords. They're both wearing indestructible armour, so the battle lasts a while.

Eventually Rodomont steps in and reminds Mandricardo that they have places to be, defending their king from, you know, the mightiest warriors in all France.

Actually, says Marphisa, that sounds awesome, can I come too?

Rogero quickly passes his letter to Hippalca, so that she can take it back to Bradamante, and goes off with the Saracens, driven by his oath of fealty.

Saracen strife
They don't get far when Rogero brings up the matter of the horse Frontino. Rodomont says he'd be happy to fight for it, after they've saved Agramant.

We can fight for it later, says Rogero, as long as you give me my horse now.

An argument starts, and Mandricardo is about to intervene when he realises that Rogero is wearing Hector's emblem on his shield. As far as Mandricardo knows, he's the only one who can claim descent from that hero, so he challenges Rogero to a duel over it.

It's on, says Rogero.

Then Rodomont and Marphisa intervene, saying they'll never get to the war if everyone keeps fighting. Rodomont tries to bully Mandricardo into calming down. This does not calm Mandricardo down. Marphisa tries to point out that they can all fight after the war. She is able to calm them down to the point where they can all reiterate their grievances, and then the fight starts up again. Rogero tries to knock Rodomont off his horse, at which point both Rodomont and Mandricardo pummel him. Seeing two against one angers Marphisa, and she throws herself into the fray.

Then Richardetto and Vivian blunder in, and take Rogero's side. This gives Rogero the opportunity to wound Rodomont, which in turn lets him support Marphisa, who is evenly matched with Mandricardo.

The battle ends when Malagigi uses magic to spook Doralice's horse, which runs off into the wood. Rodomont immediately pursues, as does Mandricardo.

Rogero thanks Richardetto for his intervention, and asks that he pass on his love to his sister. Rogero and Marphisa head off after the Saracens, and the turn for Paris.

War!
King Agramant is currently under siege. However, Gradasso and Sacripant, recently released from Atlantes' dome, have arrived with a small relief force. Doralice's horse, possessed by a demon, leads Rodomont and Mandricardo straight to the others, and Rogero and Marphisa arrive shortly afterwards. Although still riven by disagreements, this is a mighty force, and they fall upon Charlemagne's army like a ton of bricks.

The battle is a disaster for the Christians. Oliver and Ogier are captured, and only the valour of Brandimart prevents the king himself from falling.  The besieging army finds itself besieged in turn.

Where the fuck are Orlando and Rinaldo, asks the king.

So far, the most effective tactic Charlemagne has against the Saracens is prayer, so he implements it once again. God gets onto Michael, and Michael kicks Discord down to sort something out among the Saracens.

This is the easiest gig Discord has ever had.

The Great Big Saracen Duelling Circle 
Agramant finds himself confronted by half his knights, who all want to fight each other. The situation is this:

• Rodomont wants to fight Mandricardo over the maiden Doralice
• Rogero wants to fight Rodomont over his horse Frontino
• Mandricardo wants to fight Rogero over his right to wear Hector's heraldry
• Mandricardo wants to fight Marphisa because he wants to marry her (without actually releasing his claim on Doralice)
• Marphisa wants to fight Mandricardo because she's Marphisa.

Fine, says Agramant, we'll draw lots. Mandricardo and Rodomont are set up to be the first bout, then Rogero/Mandricardo, Rogero/Rodomont, and lastly Marphisa/Mandricardo.

However, this gets complicated when:

• The knight Ferrau notices that Mandricardo has Orlando's sword, and wants to fight him for it
• Gradasso also notices that Mandricardo has Orlando's sword, and likewise wants to fight him for it
• Sacripant notices that Rodomont is riding Frontino, who was originally his horse before it was ever Rogero's, and wants to fight him over it
• Marphisa notices Brunello the dwarf, who stole her sword at the same time he stole Sacripant's horse, and wants to hang him.

And this, says Agramant, is why the Saracens can't have nice things. Like France.

Agramant sighs, and decides to let Brunello be hanged. He was a pain in the arse anyway.

Then, he asks Doralice who she actually wants to marry. She says Mandricardo. Rodomont hadn't expected this, and decides to head home to Argier in a raging huff. Rogero is pissed off, because Rodomont is still riding Frontino, but he can't actually fight Rodomont until after the Rodomont/Mandricardo and Rogero/Mandricardo bouts. Lots were drawn by the king, dammit, and Rogero respects due process. So he goes off to find Mandricardo, so he can at least get that fight out of the way. Sacripant isn't waiting for a fight, so he heads off in pursuit. He is delayed, however, as he stops to rescue a randomly drowning lady.

Rodomont spends much of the journey home ranting loudly about the perfidy of women, and kings, and life in general. He eventually washes up at a pub, where he asks people to tell him dirty stories and gets really, really drunk.


Next: Rodomont's Bridge.

Rescue tally: 
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 7
Bradamante: 6
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Marphisa: 2
Rogero: 2

Ragin' Roland V: Orlando Goes Mad

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

We start with Marphisa and end with Orlando.

Zerbino and the crone (I)
While the rest of her party rides of to save France, Marphisa goes off questing through the French countryside. She immediately meets a skulking old woman - this is Gabrina, the servant of the bandits that Orlando rescued Isabel from, many cantos ago. Marphisa agrees to carry the old woman across a ford.

Shortly afterwards they meet Pinabel, the knight who pushed Bradamante into a hole several cantos ago. Pinabel has regained his lady, who was released when Bradamante broke the Tower of Iron.

(I didn't count this at the time. Bradamante's rescue count: +1 damsel.)

Pinabel's lady is not actually very nice, and as they ride past she starts insulting Marphisa.

Hey knight, says Marphisa to Pinabel, I reckon my damsel is prettier than your damsel.

She issues a challenge: if I can unhorse you, I'll take your damsel's gown and her horse. Pinabel is stung by the insult to his lady. He accepts the challenge immediately, and loses it almost as quickly. Marphisa takes the damsel's gown and horse, and gives both to the old lady.

Marphisa and the old lady ride off, and shortly encounter the Scottish knight Zerbino. Zerbino has been released from his patrolling duties so that he can chase down the knight who kidnapped his lover, Isabel. He says to Marphisa that she is wise to have chosen a damsel that no-one will want to take from her.

Hey knight, says Marphisa to Zerbino, she's prettier than you are courteous.

Marphisa aims to teach Zerbino a lesson in chivalry. She challenges him to a joust: if she wins, Zerbino will take Gabrina. If he wins, he can continue on his own way.

Zerbino is one of the champions of the Battle of Paris; he accepts the challenge immediately. And loses it almost as quickly.

Who was that knight, asks Zerbino.

Dunno, says Gabrina, I thought she was just some damsel.

(I'm not counting this as a rescue for Zerbino.)

Zerbino and the old lady ride off, and promptly start getting on each other's nerves. Gabrina works out that Zerbino is Isabel's beloved. She taunts him, saying that she knows what happened to her. Zerbino gives his best and deepest apology, and begs to know what's going on.

Oh, you know, says the crone, she's been betrayed, kidnapped, abducted by bandits, all sorts of terrible terrible things.

Zerbino begs, cajoles, threatens and pleads to be taken to where she was last seen; Gabrina reluctantly agrees to take him, taunting him all the while.

They encounter another knight. Gabrina reminds Zerbino that he's supposed to protect her. She tells him that this is Hermonides of Holland, who killed her father and her brother. Protect me, she says.

Hey knight, says Hermonides, I'm going to kill that woman. Stand aside.

I'm kind of sworn to protect her, says Zerbino, sorry.

They joust, and Zerbino wounds Hermonides badly through the shoulder.

Hermonides says that he's surprised to see such a valiant knight defending such a horrible woman.

It's like this, says Hermonides: through a complicated series of lies and betrayals, Gabrina tricked my brother Philander into killing her husband and taking his place. Then she tried to poison him. It was all pretty bleak for Philander, but Gabrina was betrayed by her poisoning partner after she tried to poison him as well, so it all worked out alright and we imprisoned her so that we could burn her at the stake.

Wow, says Zerbino, sorry about the shoulder.

Don't worry about it, says Hermonides, I've got people with me.

Zerbino rides off with Gabrina, and starts to wonder how he might get rid of her with his honour intact.

Astolpho to the rescue!
Somewhere in the Middle East, Astolpho is trying to get home. Of course, Astolpho's horse is Rabican, made of wind and fire, and it turns out that his main problem in getting home was all his impossibly earth-bound comrades. He scoots back around the Mediterranean and across Europe, and is back home in England in a matter of weeks. Here he finds that his father, Otho, has been in Paris for months.

Off to Paris, then - but as he stops for a drink by a river, someone nicks his horse.

Of course, he sets off in pursuit, but he's on foot and clad in armour, and his horse is made of wind and fire.

He tracks the thief as best he can, and finds himself outside a magic dome. This is Atlantes' dome of trapping, which contains (at least) Bradamante. Astolpho was given a book by Logistilla that tells him how to undo magic, which he consults. Atlantes, however, doesn't want his dome dispelled, so he sics a posse of enscorcelled knights on him: Bradamante, Brandimart, Prasildo, Iroldo, Gradasso and Rogero.

(I'm not sure if this a plot hole - last we saw the dome Angelica had used her ring of dispel magic and also invisibility to rescue at least Rogero, Orlando, Brandimart, Sacripant and Ferrau - or if I missed the bit where Brandimart and Rogero circled back and got trapped again. But it's the same dome that Bradamante got trapped in, and it now apparently has a bunch of other trapped knights within it. Trapping knights is what it's for.)

Astolpho is pretty good, but this is a pretty heavy force. He brings out his horn of terror again. Everyone runs, including Atlantes. All the captured horses break their bonds, and flee as well. Astolpho watches sadly as Rabican disappears over the horizon.

Since these knights are now free and their captor has fled, they count as rescues for Astolpho. 

Astolpho's rescue count: +6 knights!

Astolpho continues what he started, turning over a rock buried under the threshold and releasing the spirit trapped therein, dissolving the magic dome once and for all. He is heartened to see Atlantes' hippogriff, which fled back to its master once it escaped from Rogero. Astolpho was there when Logistilla was instructing Rogero in the gentle art of hippogriff riding, so he fixes the bridle and flies off. He is unwilling to abandon Rabican, however, so he starts an aerial search.

Together at last!
Bradamante and Rogero flee through the forest in terror. Eventually, however, they come to their senses - and lo! Here they both are! And no-one is being kidnapped, ensorcelled, eaten or attacked by anything! They kiss! There's a lot of kissing.

Rogero proposes. Bradamante accepts, on one condition: her father isn't going to accept a Saracen as a son-in-law, so he'll need to convert.

Fair enough, says Rogero. They head off towards the nearest abbey.

But they are interrupted by a crying damsel. Neither knight is going to ignore a crying damsel.

The damsel is crying because a young knight is going to be executed. This knight had fallen in love with the daughter of Marsilius, King of Spain, and had been sneaking into her chambers disguised as a serving maid. Marsilius got wind of this, ambushed the lovers in the bedroom, and sentenced the knight to death by fire.

Not on my watch, says Bradamante.

The damsel starts crying again. To get there in time, they're going to have to go through Lord Pinabel's lands. And Pinabel has this weird new custom. See, this mysterious knight came through and unhorsed him, and took his damsel's frock and horse. So she made him pass a new law: that every knight that comes through has to surrender their horse and armour, and every damsel her dress.

Not only that, he's just taken four really awesome travelling knights into his service, who are doing the enforcing.

Not on my watch, says Rogero.

They travel onwards, and are accosted by Pinabel. And his four knights: Guido, Sansonet, Gryphon and Aquilant. This is Gryphon's fault.

"Aquilant? How come you guys are working for this dickhead?"
"Let's just say Gryphon is not allowed to choose the loyalty oaths anymore."

Guido is Bradamante's half-brother, but neglects to introduce himself. This is almost certainly out of embarrassment.

Pinabel demands the knights' armour and the damsel's gown. Rogero rides out. (Bradamante suggests that maybe he should leave this to the vastly more experienced knight, but he's keen to prove himself.) Sansonet lowers his lance. After three passes, Rogero is the victor.

Pinabel is impressed, and asks Bradamante who this kid is. But Bradamante remembers Pinabel from earlier.

"Wrong question - you should be asking 'Who is his attractive but terribly dangerous friend?'"
"I'm sorry, I don't..."
"Do you remember pushing a lady knight down a hole and stealing her horse and trapping her in a cave with a woman wizard who talked incessantly of wombs?"
"Not sure about that last bit..."
"The name is Bradamante, and I want my horse back. Stab!"

Bradamante stabs him. Then she stabs him again. Then she stabs him again.

Gryphon and Aquilant are torn: do they really want to keep fighting now that their lord is dead? Especially since he's such a creep? But Pinabel's lady demands they keep fighting for the sake of their oaths, and they reluctantly agree.

Gryphon lines up next against Rogero, but there's a twist. Rogero has a magic shield of dazzling, that will stupefy anyone who looks at it. He considers this profoundly unsporting against anything smaller than an orc-sized sea monster, so it's covered with a pillowcase. But Gryphon's lance catches the cover, exposing the shield. The remaining knights are dazzled and fall unconscious.

Rogero is mortified - to win an honourable duel using sorcery! He wakes up the goodly maiden to apologise, and surreptitiously dumps his shield in a well. He sets off on his original mission, to rescue the knightly lover.

Pinabel's four knights wake up from their magical doze, and find out that Pinabel is dead. They wonder what to do next, and wander away.

And Bradamante comes back from stabbing Pinabel, to find that everyone has nicked off.

Home sweet home
Bradamante spends the night looking at the stars and regretting her impetuous anger. In the morning, Astolpho happens to be flying by and spots her.

He's looking for someone trustworthy he can give Rabican to, as well as look after his armour. Bradamante is his cousin, and she's just the knight for the job.

Bradamante already has a horse: Frontino, who was Rogero's until he accidentally flew off on a hippogriff, then Bradamante's while she tried to rescue Rogero, then Pinabel's after he pushed her down a hole. She loads the armour onto Frontino, and sets off in search of Rogero.

It's at this point that Bradamante realises where she is: just outside Mount Alban, her family estate. She figures that it's probably not the best time to go home and explain the whole Rogero thing to the parents, and is just about to ride off when she's spotted by her brother Alardo, who greets her enthusiastically and says that everyone will be really very pleased to see her.

Especially mum.

With gritted teeth, Bradamante follows Alardo.

It becomes pretty clear that Bradamante's family obligations do not allow her to go off questing in the immediate future. She decides the best way she can help Rogero is by giving him his horse back: she surreptitiously hands Frontino off to a maid, Hippalca, with instructions to find Rogero as quickly as possible.

Hippalca dutifully heads off, and promptly finds herself in the presence of a Saracen knight.

Unfortunately, it's Rodomont.

Rodomont is afoot, and decides a horse is just what he needs.

You can't have this one, says Hippalca, it belongs to the fierce knight Rogero.

Rodomont says that's great: he can't steal the horse of an innocent maiden, but he's more than happy to steal Rogero's horse.

(Rodomont would totally steal the horse of an innocent maiden.)

Rodomont takes Frontino and heads off on his own quest, which is pursuing Doralice, currently with Mandricardo.

Zerbino and the crone (II)
Zerbino, still accompanied by the crone Gabrina, comes across Pinabel's corpse. Gabrina is all for looting it; Zerbino is against, so Gabrina makes do with surreptitiously pinching a valuable girdle.

The two move on to Altaripa, ruled by Count Anselmo. Anselmo has just found out that his son Pinabel has been murdered.

Zerbino doesn't want to be thought guilty of said murder, and says nothing about the corpse he found.

Gabrina, however, is still pissed off at the looting thing, and she starts telling everyone that Zerbino killed Pinabel. Look, she says, here's his girdle. Zerbino's silence suddenly looks incredibly suspicious, and Anselmo claps him in irons, to be executed on the morrow.

Lucky for Zerbino, then, that on the morrow Orlando turns up, with Isabel in tow. Isabel immediately tells Orlando that this is her betrothed. Orlando reckons that (a) he looks alright; (b) Anselmo has had a long-standing feud with Orlando's family, and (c) Gabrina is dodgy as shit. He immediately declares that Zerbino is innocent and must be released at once.

In the mop-up, eighty men are dead and forty more wounded, and Orlando, Zerbino and Isabel are riding towards a font.

(Orlando's rescue count: +1 Scottish knight.)

Zerbino is a little troubled; he's delighted to see Isabel again, but he is also concerned that she is clearly with a terribly impressive knight, one to whom he owes a pretty serious debt. In short, he's not sure of the extent to which Isabel is with Orlando.

Orlando is pretty astute, however, and when Zerbino bursts into tears, he realises something is up. The situation is explained, and Isabel describes Orlando's perfect chivalry, and Zerbino says that now he's even more in Orlando's debt.

Everyone is happy.

Until about five minutes later when Mandricardo comes crashing through.

Mandricardo and Orlando
Orlando, says Mandricardo, stand and fight!

Um, says Orlando, who the hell are you?

Mandricardo patiently explains that he has sworn to wield no sword but Durindana, Orlando's sword.

Fair enough, says Orlando.

Because it was Hector's sword and my ancestral right, says Mandricardo, part of the complete set of arms and armour that I'm collecting.

Ok, says Orlando.

Also, you killed my father, says Mandricardo.

We should probably fight then, says Orlando.

(Hi, says Doralice, I'm Doralice.)

They joust, and the lances shatter without any sort of result. Since Mandricardo doesn't have a sword, he tries a desperate horseback wrestling manoeuvre. Orlando, meanwhile, just grabs at shit.

So what happens is that when the horses near each other, Mandricardo stands up in the saddle and tries to grapple Orlando. Orlando, meanwhile, slips the bridle off Mandricardo's horse. Orlando is dragged off his horse with his saddle still gripped between his thighs; Mandricardo then goes careering off on an uncontrolled steed.

It takes forever for Mandricardo to stop his horse, and when he does he's got nothing to control it with. He's mortified at having to all appearances run out on a duel. Doralice catches up with him and says that her horse is pretty docile, maybe he should use her bridle. This seems ungentlemanly to Mandricardo.

But it's ok, because just then Gabrina rides up, still dressed in her ridiculous finery, and so he steals hers.

Raging Roland
In the meantime, Orlando dusts himself off and looks about for Mandricardo. When the Tartar is a no-show, he decides that a duel is a duel and he'd better track him down. He tells Isabel and Zerbino to head for Paris and don't get caught up in any adventures while they're about it.

It gets hot, and Orlando looks about a shady spot to rest. He finds a shepherd's hut, and he's just starting to relax when he sees something.

He sees "ANGELICA LOVES MEDORO" carved into a tree.

That's a funny way of spelling Orlando, he thinks.

He sees the same words carved into a fountain. And a doorpost. And woven in grass. It's everywhere.

Could be any Angelica, he thinks.

He finds a love poem, dedicated to Angelica of Cathay, the daughter of Galaphron. It's signed by Medoro, husband of Angelica of Cathay, etc. etc.

This may be a misunderstanding, thinks Orlando.

He takes shelter in the shepherd's shed, and the next morning the shepherd tells him that the last people who slept there were this lovely honeymooning couple - a Chinese princess and a young Saracen knight, and they were the happiest, most loving, most generous pair you could ever meet. They paid with this bracelet that some sucker had once given her.

Well fuck, thinks Orlando.

He walks into the deepest part of the greenwood, and then, once he is entirely sure he is alone, he completely loses his shit.

Next: Terrible, terrible things.

Rescue tally: 
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 7
Bradamante: 6
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Marphisa: 1
Rogero: 0

Ragin' Roland IV: Marphisa!

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

This episode has Marphisa in it. Marphisa is entirely my favourite character in this entire poem.

Martano's capture
We're in Damascus, and Gryphon's rage has sent the Damascan townsfolk fleeing. Gryphon has found a defensible position - the bridge over a temple's moat - and is holding it against King Norandino's knights. As the bodies start to pile up, the king realises that he may have made an error - surely this valiant knight can't be the wretch he accused of cowardice! He shouts an apology, which Gryphon accepts. They embrace, and Norandino offers Gryphon the hospitality of the palace, and a doctor to see to his wounds.

Meanwhile, Aquilant has set out in pursuit of Origilla, reasoning that that's probably what Gryphon has done. He learns that she left the tournament in the direction of Aleppo. On reaching Aleppo, Aquilant is pleased to see his brothers arms and armour, especially since the tournament's prize in on extravagant display. He is rather less pleased to see that Gryphon's armour contains Martano. He asks for one good reason why he shouldn't gut both of them for murder.

The good reason that Martano tries is that Gryphon tried to force himself on his dear sister Origilla.

Uh-huh, says Aquilant.

Aquilant heads back to Damascus, dragging Martano behind him on a rope.

Norandino and Aquilant are all in favour of torture and death for both Martano and Origilla, but Gryphon begs clemency for them both.

"Seriously, brother?"
"Seriously!"
"You have a problem."

Norandino deliberates on what would be a suitable apology for someone you've unfairly maligned and had your townspeople abuse; he decides to host another tournament in Gryphon's honour.

Marphisa!
Astolpho is still waiting for Aquilant and Gryphon to get their shit together so that they can head back to France. When he hears about a tournament in Gryphon's honour, he decides he'd better check it out. He heads off with the (Christian) king of Jerusalem, Sansonnet, who he has been hanging with.

Along the way they are accosted by a woman in armour - but when she recognises Astolpho, she breaks into a broad grin. This is Marphisa, the Queen of India and one of the best knights in the world. They fought together back in the Inammorato days, defending Angelica's city of Albracca.

"Astolpho! How're you doing? I haven't seen you since Albracca!"
"Marphisa? Were we even on the same side at Albracca?"
"No idea, but you were awesome! Dude, there's a tournament, we should totally go!"

The prize at the tournament is the magic armour that Gryphon technically won last time that Martano stole, which is on display in Damascus. This causes problems when the trio of knights turns up. It turns out that it's Marphisa's armour...

"Hey, Marphisa, didn't you used to have a suit of magic armour?"
"I ditched it to chase Brunello."
"Hey, look - the prize for the tournament is a suit of magic armour..."
"Holy shit! Be right back!"
"Did...did Marphisa just start a war?"

Marphisa charges into the marketplace to get her armour back. Astolpho and Sansonnet lower their lances and ride in her defense. Norandino directs his own knights - plus Gryphon and Aquilant - to defend the prize. Astolpho knocks the brothers off their horses with his magic lance, and it turns out Sansonnet is no slouch in the jousting department himself. Marphisa is able to recover her armour, and the three retreat back towards their inn.

Norandino, Gryphon and Aquilant pursue, but Aquilant recognises Astolpho's arms and suggests that there might be something else going on. Also, Norandino's men realise that the woman that nicked the armour is Marphisa the famous terrifying warrior queen, and become reluctant to pursue. Norandino calls for a parley, and Astolpho and Sansonnet talk Marphisa down to the extent that she's willing to talk before gutting people.

This is my armour, she politely explains, and I'll gut anyone who tries to take it.

That seems fair, says Norandino.

Norandino arranges a face-saving interpretation: had Gryphon won the tournament as expected, he had always intended to give it back to Marphisa, and anyway if Marphisa was competing she'd probably have won it anyway, so how about Marphisa keeps the armour and no-one gets gutted?

Whatever, says Gryphon. Fair enough, says Marphisa.

And Sansonnet goes on to win the tournament, mostly because Astolpho, Marphisa, Gryphon and Aquilant decide to sit watching from a hillside.

The Battle of Paris: Aftermath, with Angelica
The Saracens have retreated, but their encampment is within sight of Paris. While they don't have the will to continue the assault, Charlemagne doesn't have the forces to clear them out. It's a tense situation as night falls.

Two of Dardinello's most loyal followers - Cloridane and Medoro - decide that they can't possibly leave their king's body where it fell after Rinaldo killed him. Under cover of darkness they sneak back to the battlefield to find the corpse. Unfortunately, as they try to carry it back to the Saracen camp, they are discovered by Zerbino and his patrol. Cloridane drops the body and runs, figuring Medoro must do the same. However, Medoro is the tiniest bit more loyal to his dead king, and holds on. From the treeline, Cloridane sees Medoro cornered; he launches some arrows at the Scots. It's in vain, however, and Medoro is captured.

Please don't kill me, says Medoro, and explains his mission. Zerbino is moved by his loyalty, but one of his men stabs Medoro in the chest. Zerbino strikes the churl down, and Cloridane, believing Medoro murdered, draws his sword and charges in. Cloridane is killed, and Zerbino's squad leaves Medoro for dead.

And so he would be, were it not for a kindly invisible maiden passing by. Angelica, entirely fed up with knights and cursing a bunch of them under her breath, comes across the wounded warrior. Moved to pity, she pulls out some healing herbs and starts seeing to his wounds. She flags down a passing shepherd to help, but Medoro refuses to leave the plain until Dardinello and Cloridane are buried, a task he accomplishes with some difficulty. Then Angelica puts him to bed in the shepherd's shed, and decides to stay with him until he's well.

(Angelica's rescue count: +1 heavily wounded, very pretty soldier)

It is some days before Medoro is well again, and Angelica has time to do some thinking. This man is clearly brave, noble, and very, very, pretty. Most importantly, he is not a complete arse. As he recovers he thanks her for her efforts on his behalf, and is never anything but polite and gentle.

Angelica falls totally in love with him.

"Can there be anything a humble soldier can do to repay the kindness you have shown me?"
"I can think of something."

Angelica is not a terribly subtle person, and she makes her feelings known. Medoro, rescued from certain death by one of the most beautiful women in the world, responds enthusiastically.

The two are married - possibly by the shepherdess - and spend a month honeymooning in the shed.

It's a pleasant month, and the two spend it (a) delighting in each others' company and (b) carving "ANGELICA LOVES MEDORO" on everything, "...in divers cyphers quaintly interlaced."

Eventually, however, Angelica decides that it's time to return to China. She pays the Shepherd with an expensive bracelet that Orlando apparently gave her and that she didn't lose when stripped naked and tied to a rock.

And off they head.

Marphisa and the City of Bloodthirsty Women
Astolpho, Marphisa, Gryphon, Aquilant and Sansonnet set said for France. However, after several days of fair sailing, a gale blows up and drives them towards the African coast. They see a citadel, but the ship's master tells Astolpho that he doesn't want to take harbour there because it's full of violent women who kill or enslave people that can't meet their challenge.

What's the challenge, asks Astolpho.

Well, explains the master, first someone has to defeat the city's ten champions.

Right, says Astolpho, that seems within our capabilities.

And then, says the master, they have to satisfy ten women. 

Um, says Astolpho.

And if they can do that, continues the master, they have to marry all ten women, and if they fail, they and everyone with them will be enslaved or executed.

I see the problem, says Astolpho. Gryphon, Aquilant and Sansonnet concur. Marphisa doesn't, exactly.

But none of them really want to drown, so they head for the coast.

As the ship makes harbour the women of the city flock out to greet them. It's a terribly martial city, given over to arenas and tournament grounds. The only men are the champions - ten knights in armour - and the slaves, who wear dresses and made to do embroidery.

The city's rulers explain their custom.

Maybe we should draw lots, asks Astolpho, to determine our champion.

Nah, I'll do it, says Marphisa.

You're not really, uh, qualified for the second bit, says Astolpho.

I'm not trusting this to you boys, she replies.

Astolpho points out that he has both a magic horn and a magic lance.

Not magic enough, reckons Marphisa.

The next day Marphisa rides out in full armour, to face the ten champions. Nine of them lower their lances. The tenth, armoured in black, sits back and watches.

Marphisa is one of the world's finest warriors, and kills three of the champions on the first pass. Lances shatter on her magic armour. She draws her sword, and resolutely hacks the next six into pieces.

The tenth champion salutes her. He compliments her on her work. He held back, he says, because ten against one seemed terribly unsporting. Speaking of which, he adds that she must be pretty puffed after fighting off nine nasty knights, and maybe they should start again after a night's rest.

Marphisa says that she's barely been fighting for ten minutes and it hasn't exactly been arduous. Taking the afternoon off seems a bit lazy, to be honest.

Fair enough, says the champion, and promptly knocks her off her horse.

This doesn't happen often to Marphisa, and she's thoroughly impressed. 

She draws her sword, and the champion dismounts and does the same. They start fighting in earnest. They duel heavily and earnestly, and neither is able to gain advantage.

Lucky he wasn't fighting earlier, thinks Marphisa.

They end up fighting for the rest of the day, and as the sun starts to go down the champion suggests again that they take the fight up again in the morning. He says that he hates having become this city's champion, and that, honestly, she'll be doing him a favour if she kills him.

Marphisa agrees to a truce, and takes off her helmet.

Holy shit, says the champion, you're a chick!

I know that, says Marphisa. Why do people keep telling me?

Escape from the City of Bloodthirsty Women
The party retires to the champion's pavilion. The knight introduces himself as Guido the Savage. He is, it turns out, the illegitimate son of Duke Aymon, making him Rinaldo and Bradamante's half-brother and Astolpho's cousin. He was travelling to meet his father in France, but was shipwrecked here. He killed the ten champions and took ten wives according to the custom, but he doesn't feel quite right about it.

He also fills Marphisa in on the history of the city. It dates back to classical Greece and the aftermath of the Trojan war. Some Cretan women felt that if their menfolk were going to keep going off to war and leaving them, they may as well learn to cope. They took young lovers - but these lovers didn't turn out to be any more reliable than the last lot of menfolk, and they left. The Cretan women set off in pursuit, and ended up on this shore. Things were happy for a while, but then the men went off again in search of plunder and adventure.

So the Cretan women came up with an arrangement that let them have as many men as they needed, but not more. Surplus menfolk were killed or enslaved, and this fair city was established, with the women in control.

Marphisa listens with deep interest.

Guido ends up saying that all the sex and leisure is making him unmanly, and he wants to go to France to kill people.

Astolpho is delighted to meet a cousin, but Guido is concerned that (a) he'll win tomorrow and Astolpho will be enslaved or else (b) he'll be killed tomorrow, nullifying any particular pleasure he might derive from meeting a new family member.

Hey, says Marphisa, why don't you join us and make a break for it? You're currently a hundred percent of this city's knighthood.

Guido points out that the city is still full of heavily-armed and highly motivated women, including ninety new and angry widows and ten abandoned wives. Maybe nine, if he takes one with him.

But Astolpho has a plan.

The plan is to arm up and ride to the harbour. It is elegant in its simplicity. 

The next morning, the knights arm up. Guido assembles his men-at-arms and his favourite wife, and the party sets off for the harbour. They are assailed on all sides by archers, and Guido and Marphisa lose their horses. Desperate, Astolpho sounds his Horn of Terror.

The city's army is terrified by the sound, and routs. One woman doesn't stop running for days. Unfortunately, Astolpho hadn't been able to warn his comrades to block their ears, so they're all terrified too. Each and every knight fails their will save, and they all pissbolt for the harbour. They're already out to sea when they realise that Astolpho isn't with them.

Astolpho watches the ship sail off, and wonders how he's going to get back to France now.

(I'm crediting Marphisa with Guido's rescue from durance vile in the City of Bloodthirsty Women - Marphisa's rescue count: +1 knight)

The ship eventually makes it back to Marseilles, which is Bradamante's turf, but she's out questing.

The party decides where to go next: Gryphon, Aquilant, Sansonnet and Guido opt to head to Paris; Marphisa goes her own way.

"Hey, Marphisa, we're all going to save Paris. You want to come?"
"I'm a knight, not a herd animal. I'm going questing!"

Rescue tally: 
Melissa: 12
Angelica:7
Bradamante: 5
Orlando: 2
Rinaldo: 2
Marphisa: 1
Rogero: 0
Astolpho: 0


Next: Orlando goes mad. 

Ragin' Roland III: The Battle of Paris!

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.



(http://mythicread.blogspot.com/2016/02/ragin-roland-ii-adventure-at-sea.html)

Enter Mandricardo
We meet Agramant, king of the Saracens, reviewing the troops. He won the last battle - technically - and has gathered the Moorish forces within striking distance of Paris. Nothing is going to stop him now.

The troops are in pretty good shape, although there are some gaps in the hero ranks after the last battle. Agramant (with his ally, Marsilius of Spain) does a bit of rearranging, promotes a few captains, wonders where Rogero is, and accepts Mandricardo, King of Tartary, into the ranks. Mandricardo is wearing the armour of Greek hero Hector, which he found in a fairy castle, and no sword. Mandricardo's main quest is to avenge his father, Agrican, and the first thing he needs to do is find out who killed him.

Everyone tells him: it was Orlando.

This suits Mandricardo, because the reason he has no sword is his other quest: he won't wear any sword but Durindana, Orlando's sword.

Mandricardo casts about for Orlando in an aimless sort of way, and comes across a party of armed knights. They tell him that they are escorting the daughter of the King of Granada to her betrothed, the Moorish champion Rodomont.

Can I meet her, says Mandricardo.

No you can't, say the guards.

Can you defend her, says Mandricardo.

Turns out they can't. Mandricardo kills a lot of them, and the rest flee. Mandricardo, covered in blood, introduces himself to Doralice, the princess.

She is beautiful, and he falls in love.

He is a bloody mess who's just murdered her escort. She doesn't.

But Mandricardo is opportunistic, suave and persistent. He dismisses the surviving Granadan servants and rides off with Doralice, explaining that, never mind what she might hear about quests and vengeance and swords and shit, he had in fact come to Spain for the express purpose of meeting and wooing her.

By nightfall, Doralice is smitten. They boot a shepherd out of his hut, and pass the night under a discreet veil.

Prayers and Allegories, and the Beginning of the Battle of Paris
Agramant hears that the English have landed, and decides he's out of time: he must attack.

Charlemagne, meanwhile, realises he's in a bit of a pickle, and retires to the cathedral to pray. This prompts God to look down, and realise there may be a bit of sorting out to do if Christendom is to be saved. He tells the archangel Michael to grab Silence and Discord - allegories, rather than angels - and do a bit of sorting out.

Michael spends quite a bit of time among allegories, but eventually finds Discord in a monastery, and Silence with Sleep (who is sleeping with Sloth).

Silence is dispatched to help Rinaldo and the English sneak into Paris, and Discord is sent into the Saracen camp to start fucking with them.

The Battle of Paris (Part I)
It's almost too late, though:  the Saracens have now arrived at Paris. Charlemagne has drawn his forces into the citadel. It's about to go off.

This battle is grand. Waves of Saracens hit the walls, and are rebuffed, easily to begin with.

And then Rodomont hits the scene. He hacks, he slashes. He cuts through Christian knights by the dozen, and cuts down any of his own men that are retreating. He scares his forces up siege ladders. He leaps the moat in a single bound, and clears a way for the invading horde. The Saracens force themselves into the inner moat.

And then the defenders set off the mines, and everything is on fire.

So what's Astolpho up to anyway?
Astolpho is preparing to return to Europe. Logistilla gives him a magic book that tells him how to protect himself from magic. She also gives him a horn that terrifies anyone who hears it. And then she puts him in a boat with her handmaiden, Andronica, and sends him back west. Astolpho asks Andronica if she knows the way back to Europe, and she tells him its entire future history.

It's one way to pass a voyage.

The boat deposits Astolpho in Arabia, from whence he is content to wend his way by land. He is riding Rabican, once Agrican's horse. Rabican is half horse, half wind-and-fire, and subsists on nothing but air. He's a good horse. Halfway down the Nile, a hermit in a boat tells him of a giant who has been terrorising the land and generally eating people, and politely suggests that he takes another route.

Astolpho says that the other route is the wrong direction - apart from anything, it takes him away from the wicked giant who's terrorising the land. There is heroism to be enacted!

He finds the place - it's the house in the swamp decorated with blood and body parts. The giant, Caligorant, hasn't seen a knight in months, and is thrilled to bits when Astolpho rides along. He lies in ambush, but Astolpho has been forewarned. He sounds his horn, and the terror-struck giant abandons his blind and runs into his own net.

Astolopho is all about dealing justice, but he baulks at killing a helpless foe. The net, it turns out, was made by Vulcan for Mercury, so that he could use it to catch the nymph Chloris. Caligorant had stolen it from a Greek temple. It's the good shit, and the giant is secure. So Astolpho rides off to Cairo, leading the giant along with him.

The giant is carrying his stuff.

In Cairo Astolpho hears tell of a great villain in Damietta, who can't be killed. This is once again the kind of challenge Astolpho is up for, so off he goes. He comes across the villain, Orillo, in combat with two Christian knights of his acquaintance: the brothers Gryphon and Aquilant. These two are chopping Orillo to bits, which does no good because all the pieces turn to quicksilver and rejoin with each other.

(There's also a dead sea monster, that Orillo had been using to terrorise people with.)

Orillo isn't being killed, but he's not winning, either, so he jumps into the river and swims off. Astolpho and the brothers retire to a pavilion, and Astolpho consults his book. The book says that there is one particular hair that needs to be cut in order to break the spell. Unfortunately, Orillo is a hirsute fellow, and the book doesn't say which one in particular needs to be lopped off.

Astolpho asks the brothers if they mind him having a go at Orillo. Be our guest, they say.

The next day Astolpho challenges Orillo to a duel. Astolpho chops of bits as quickly as he can, but they keep flowing back into Orillo. Eventually, though, he manages to cut off Orillo's head. Before the rogue can reassemble himself, Astolpho grabs the head and rides off with it, leaving Orillo's body fumbling about in the dust.

As Rabican rides off into the desert, Astolpho desperately tries to find the particular hair on Orillo's head. None of them stand out, leaving Astolpho with a last resort: he uses his sword to shave Orillo bald. One of the hairs is the fatal one, and Orillo's eyes roll back in his severed head as his body collapses.

Job done, says Astolpho. You boys want to head back to Paris with me and help save Christendom?

Sure, say the brothers, we've nothing better to do.

Gryphon, Origilla, and the Tournament at Damascus
The three soon meet the young Sir Sansonet of Mecca, who was converted by Orlando some time ago. Astolpho gives Sansonet his giant as a servant, and Sansonet gives Astolpho the golden spurs of St. George, which he found in Joppa after a siege one time.

Meanwhile, Gryphon and Aquilant get some news: Origilla is in town. Gryphon and Aquilant have history with Origilla.

"Oh, man, Gryphon, this is bad news. The number of times that woman has left us betrayed, marooned, endangered, abandoned... I don't know why we keep falling for her bullshit."
"Aquilant! I love Origilla and I must be with her!"
"No, wait, I remember."

Aquilant has some brotherly advice...

"You know what I'm going to say."
"I don't know what you're going to say."
"You know exactly what I'm going to say."
"If you have something to say, brother, you should say it."
"You're going to make me say it? Ok. Don't go haring off after Origilla."
"I am going haring off after Origilla!"
"Don't go haring off after.. ah, fuck."

...but Gryphon sneaks out of town and heads to Damascus, where Origilla was last headed.

Gryphon catches up with Origilla outside of Damascus, where she's riding in state with another man: Martano. Origilla catches sight of Gryphon and freaks out a bit, because last time she saw him he was stranded on a rapidly receding island. She recovers quickly, however, and throws herself around his neck, saying how she's missed him terribly after accidentally leaving that last time. Martano? Martano's not her lover, no! Martano's her brother! And now here are her two favourite men, all ready to go to the tournament that's just been announced at Damascus!

This probably won't end badly.

The Battle of Paris (Part II)
Meanwhile, Agramant is facing off against Charlemagne, and Rodomont is on fire. With very little choice, Rodomont leaves his men to burn, and leaps over the inner wall. He finds himself in a courtyard where the people of Paris are gathering for safety. This turns out to have been an unlucky choice, as Rodomont came here to put Paris to the sword and now here is a whole bunch of Parisians. Rodomont rampages through the city, massacring the populace and setting fire to buildings and pushing down walls and pillars.

Outside the city, Rinaldo's British forces take up position. With the Scottish prince Zerbino at his side, Rinaldo leads a charge into the thick of the Saracen forces. Zerbino distinguishes himself against the Spanish, but is cut off. He's rescued by Ariodantes, the new Duke of Albany (for which, refer previous).

The battle on the plains ebbs and flows, with the Christian and Saracen forces well-matched. Agramant, frustrated at the walls of Paris, detaches a large force to secure the plains. The Scottish forces - led by Zerbino, Ariodantes and Lurcanio - are cut off and scattered. Rinaldo grabs a lance and defeats several Saracen heroes, shoring up the Scottish line and pressing back at Agramant. Rinaldo, already the biggest hero on the battlefield, decides that he needs to defeat the strongest of all the warriors on the battlefield, turns to face Agramant.

Rodomont is still kicking over buildings in Paris and dismembering Parisians. Seeing him as the biggest threat, Charlemagne rides over and berates him for terrorising civilians. In a towering rage, the king lowers his lance and charges.

So do the knights Ogier, Namus, Oliver, Avino, Avolio, Otho, and Berlinghier. 

That's a lot of knights.

A bit of Damascan history
Travelling through the festivities around the tournament in Damascus, Gryphon is met by a stranger knight who tells him all about the history of Damascus.

We have the young king, Norandino, who has just married a Cypriot princess, Lucina. On the way home from the wedding, though, the ship is wrecked in a storm, and a good portion of the crew captured by a blind cannibal ogre, known as the Orc (no relation to the sea-going Orc that Orlando and Rogero fought). And Lucina, too.

Noradino sets off in pursuit, and manages to sneak into the Orc's cave and make the acquaintance of his wife. Don't worry about your own wife, she says, because the Orc only eats men, never women. He just imprisons women. Speaking of which, she adds, you'd better get out of here before he smells you. Noradino refuses, saying he'd rather die by his wife than flee. The Orcwife sighs and goes with plan B, which is to use a goat carcass to make a convincing-smelling disguise for Norandino.

The Orc comes in and eats a couple of sailors, then wanders out again. Norandino sneaks up to Lucina's cage and says he's here to rescue her. And now, thanks to the Orcwife, Norandino has a plan. He instructs his men to kill the oldest, smelliest goats, one for each man and woman here. Then, with everyone disguised as old, smelly goats, they'll sneak out.

Lucina refuses to disguise herself as a goat.

When the Orc comes home and discovers that he has (a) no humans to eat and (b) no goats, either, he blames the only person left to blame, which is Lucina, and chains her to a rock. Norandino is considering his options at this point and coming up with "suicide by Orc" and "continue pretending to be a goat." But his goat act is so effective that he misses Gradasso and Mandricardo, who turn up randomly and rescue the princess. Of course, since she's a princess of Cyprus, these two figure the best thing to do is to deliver her back to the King of Cyprus. On Cyprus.

When Norandino, still disguised as a goat, discovers that Lucina is missing, he decides to go looking for her. Unfortunately, he goes in the exact wrong direction, and ends up back in Syria. He sends messengers everywhere, and eventually hears from Cyprus that Lucina is heading to Damascus

So he holds a tournament in celebration. Which is where Gryphon comes in.

The Damascan tournament
The next morning, Gryphon and Martano head to the tournament. It turns out that there's a bit of a fad in Syria for French-style tournaments, so Gryphon feels right at home. The prize here is a suit of magic armour, which was presented to the king by a merchant who found it inexplicably by the road one day. Gryphon already has magical armour, however, so he's really only in it for the bragging rights.

Gryphon does really well at the tournament, distinguishing himself against any number of Saracen and Christian knights (the tournament is explicitly open to all), until he comes up against the final eight, close friends of the king's. Martano does less well - in fact, he disgraces himself by fleeing the battlefield. Shamed by his comrade's behaviour, Gryphon redoubles his efforts and defeats each of the eight champions, individually or in pairs. Noradino calls a halt to the proceedings, and Gryphon heads back to his inn, still feeling embarrassed at Martano's actions rather than valiant at more or less winning the tournament.

Not wanting to face Gryphon, Martano and Origilla sneak out of the inn. Gryphon is exhausted, and collapses into a deep sleep. Martano and Origilla sneak into his room and steal his arms and armour, leaving Martano's in their place.

The next morning, Gryphon wakes to find that his gear is missing, and is forced to wear Martano's armour. He rides into town to find Martano, in Gryphon's armour, accepting the king's accolades for Gryphon's victory yesterday. In Martano's armour, however, Gryphon finds himself mocked and jeered. Noradino asks Martano how he came to ride with such a coward. Martano says that he only met the guy yesterday and had no idea he was so crap; he suggests that Gryphon should be hung as a warning against cowardice.  Noradino thinks this is a bit harsh, and sentences him to public humiliation instead. Gryphon is overwhelmed by the guards and thrown into a cell.

The next day, Martano skips town before the deception is uncovered. Gryphon is stripped and chained to a cart, where the Damascan townsfolk berate and beat him. This goes well for the people of Damascus, until Gryphon is able to slip his bonds, grab a sword and shield, and start laying about him...

The Battle of Paris (Part III)
Eight lances thud into Rodomont, knocking him to the ground.

He gets up again.

Another dozen knights close in. No-one is able to actually pierce Rodomont's skin, but he's now on the defensive and can't get out from the press of bodies. More and more soldiers pour into the square. He slowly forces his way to the river wall, and throws himself over. He flows out with the Seine, and eventually drags himself onto the bank.

Just as he's looking at the walls of Paris and contemplating having another go, a dwarf turns up with a message from Doralice that says "Help, help, I've been captured by Mandricardo" - a message that was dispatched before she'd fallen in love with him. Charlemagne's allegorical army kicks in, and Discord convinces Rodomont to go in pursuit of Doralice.

Between Rodomont quitting the field, Charlemagne taking control of the city, and Rinaldo kicking arse on the plains, Marsilius decides to fall back with the Spanish forces. Agramant's knights fight on, led by Ferrau. In the skirmishes that follow, the young king Dardinello of Zumara kills Lurcanio and several other British knights, before being confronted and slain by Rinaldo. Agramant calls the retreat.

Charlemagne has won the day, if not the war.

Rescue tally (No change): 
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 6
Bradamante: 5
Orlando: 2
Rinaldo: 2
Rogero: 0
Astolpho: 0
 
Next: Enter Marphisa!

Ragin' Roland II: Adventure at Sea!

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

Meanwhile...
Rinaldo is in Scotland, basking in the glory of having saved the Scottish King's daughter from being burned at the stake by her father. Everyone is terribly grateful, and when Rinaldo explains what he's doing in Britain in the first place, the King pledges to send all the troops he can to defend France from the infidel.

Brill, says Rinaldo, and rides off to London.

A Princess in Distress
When last we saw Angelica, she was desperately trying to get as far away from Rinaldo as possible. She is now also trying to get away from a hermit priest, who has fallen in love with her himself and become a little too friendly. The hermit is secretly a sorcerer, and after he loses her trail he resorts to black magic. He summons a demon, and sends it to possess Angelica's horse and carry her to a rendezvous.

Which means that when Angelica hits the coast, her horse dives right in and starts swimming, much to her consternation.

Eventually, the demon-horse deposits her on a rocky shore, leaving the damp and disheveled princess to lament her fate. She is grateful to see a familiar face, even if it is the creepy priest, and her gratefulness lasts long enough for him to cast a sleep spell on her.

(There's an untranslated passage here; it is implied that the priest tries to have his way with the princess, but fails. It's icky.)

At this point we learn that the island is called Ebuda, out past Ireland. It's inhabited by damned tribesfolk and menaced by a mighty sea monster, the orc. The story goes that the sea-god Proteus seduced a princess of the island and got her pregnant. The king sentenced both his daughter and her unborn offspring to death. Proteus sent all his sea monsters to ravage the island. The islanders consulted an oracle - it turned out that the only remedy was to sacrifice a woman as beautiful as the original princess to the orc on a fairly regular basis.

These days, then, the tribesfolk of the island generally take to piracy and kidnapping to acquire women for the orc. However, if they happen upon the most beautiful princess in Asia and possibly the world asleep near an elderly skeevy priest, they are not above taking her off the beach and tying her to the sacrificial rock.

Angelica is in peril!

Orlando and the Guns of Friesland
Orlando is now back in Paris, entirely prepared to defend Christendom from the ravages of the Moorish host. Well, mostly prepared. Actually, he's moping about how Angelica got away because he was foolish enough to entrust her safety to someone else who got overrun when the battle went badly.  Orlando is not sure which is worse: that something terrible may have happened to Angelica, or that she might have married another knight by now. When he dreams someone telling him, "dude, just let her go!" he decides that he must go in search of her. He sneaks out of the castle without telling his uncle, the King, or his best mate Brandimart, or Brandimart's girlfriend Flordelis. He disguises himself as a Saracen and rides out through their sleeping camp.

(He is far too honourable to just start killing folk. That would be wrong.)

Orlando travels far and wide looking for Angelica, but finds no sign. Eventually he fronts up at a swollen river. The bridge is gone, but there's a boat with a damsel in it. The damsel offers to ferry him over, on one condition: that he fight a battle at her request.

Sure, he says.

Great, she says, the King of Ireland is going to war with Ebuda, because Ebuda is kidnapping women to feed to a sea monster.

Holy shit, thinks Orlando. What if Angelica has been kidnapped to feed the sea monster?

He immediately commandeers a vessel and heads to Ireland, but a storm blows up and he ends up in Antwerp instead.

The custom for knights in Antwerp, he learns, is to pay respects to a certain damsel. When in Antwerp, figures Orlando, and goes to meet the lady. The lady is dressed in mourning, and begins to tell her story. 

"Is this going to take a while?"
"Probably."

The lady - Olympia - is the daughter of the Count of Holland. She was in love with Bireno, Duke of Zealand, who is off fighting the Moors in Spain. Alas, in the meantime her father had arranged for her to marry Arbantes, Prince of Friesland. There was a treaty riding on it. When Olympia refused to marry Arbantes, Friesland invaded Holland and killed all her kin.

Turns out that not only is Arbantes a pretty serious knight, he's also got some pretty weird weapons: metal tubes that send balls of lead at - and often through - their targets.

There was a plan: Olympia sent her brother to summon Bireno back from the war. The plan went badly: Bireno was captured, and Olympia had to go to Friesland to marry Arbantes.

There was another plan: it involved a lackey, an axe and Arbantes' head. This was entirely successful, except that it left Cymosco, the King of Friesland, in a murderous rage.

Olympia escaped, but the situation is now that Cymosco has given Olympia a year to hand herself over to him or Bireno will get it in the neck. The year is nearly over.

Now, she's not been idle. She's sold off all her lands to pay assassins and spies to either kill Cymosco or rescue Bireno. But none of that has worked and now she's feeling pretty cornered. What she'd really like is a knight prepared to go up against Cymosco and his guns. And she hasn't found one, because the guns are pretty fucking scary.

Sounds like you need a hero, says Orlando.

Orlando and Olympia sail off to Friesland. When they get there, Orlando offers a challenge to Cymosco: I'll meet you with sword and spear, and if you win, you can have Olympia, and if I win, you'll release Bireno.

Sure, says Cymosco, or I could just have my men kill you.

Fine, says Orlando, I'll take on the lot of you. At the first sign of an ambush Orlando starts stabbing people. It turns out that the Friesland forces have never faced a knight with invulnerable skin and an irresistible sword. Cymosco flees, with Orlando in hot pursuit.

Cymosco gets enough of a lead that he decides to try his secret weapon. Unfortunately, he misses, and takes out Orlando's horse instead. Orlando leaps up and chases him down. Cymosco is decapitated. Bireno is freed. Olympia is made Queen of Friesland. Orlando dumps the gun in the deepest ocean, finding it a horridly unknightly weapon.

Then he heads off to Ireland, still hoping to possibly rescue Angelica who might, after all, be at the mercy of a sea monster.

It turns out, however, that there was may have been more need for chivalry than he realised. Bireno is not the prince charming of this story. He is, in fact, in love with his brother's fiancée, the daughter of the late king of Friesland. In a staggering lapse in chivalry, fidelity and being a decent human, he strands Olympia on an island off the coast of Scotland, and sails off.

Rogero and the Sea Monster
Rogero is currently wending is way towards Logistilla's kingdom across a desolate beach. He's being pursued - in a leisurely, teasing sort of way - by Alcina the sorceress and two of her friends. They are  are floating along on carpets taunting him with wine and wiles. Eventually he finds a ferry; the ferryman is pleased to see him, and even more pleased that he's escaped Alcina. They set sail, only to find themselves pursued by Alcina's fleet. Alcina herself is no longer so placid. The ferryman reminds Rogero that he's carrying magic shield of dazzling. He unveils it, and his pursuers are dazed and dazzled. Alcina's fleet flounders, and Rogero docks at Logistilla's castle.

Melissa and Alstopho are already here; Melissa introduces Rogero to Logistilla, and explains all about her hero breeding program. Logistilla understands how important it is to get Rogero to Charlemagne's side and hence Bradamante, and the most efficient way she can think of is to teach him how to ride the hippogriff properly.

Thanks, says Rogero, and takes off in the other direction.

He's not being obtuse, exactly, it's just that he really enjoys flying the hippogriff. He flies quickly round the world - Catay, Sericane, Russia, those sort of places - before deciding he better get on with it. However, navigation is not his strong suit, and he lands in London.

London, you may recall, is where Rinaldo was headed, and here he is. He is watching a parade of all the troops that England is supplying to succour Charlemagne.

There are a lot of them. They include Zerbino, son of the Scottish king, who we'll hear more of later. Rogero watches politely, but is technically on the other side so doesn't get involved. Instead, he heads off for Ireland.

Navigation is not his strong suit.

Flying over the seas around Ireland, he sees the island of Ebuda, where there's a naked woman tied to a rock. Rogero doesn't really know Angelica, but she is the most beautiful princess in Asia and possibly the world, and besides, it's pretty clear what a knight ought to do in this situation.

He swoops in to ask her what she's doing tied naked to a rock.

"Untie me, you jerk!"
"Hey, I was just making conversation!"

During the conversation, the orc arises from the sea, yawns, and heads over for breakfast. Rogero remounts the hippogriff and charges the orc with his lance. He bounces off. He tries again, and again, but is unable to find a weak spot. Meanwhile, the orc is thrashing around pretty badly, and the hippogriff is in danger of become waterlogged.

Fortunately, he has other means at his disposal. He flies back down to Angelica and puts his ring of magic resistance and also invisibility on her finger. Then he takes the covering off his magic shield of dazzling.

Rogero looks contemplatively at the dazed orc, wondering if he might have leisure to find a weak spot, but Angelica attracts his attention.

"Untie me, you jerk!"

(Rogero's rescue count: +1 princess)

Rogero flies back to Brittany, and along the way becomes very conscious that he has a naked princess on his hippogriff. He lands in a nice little meadow, and starts to behave in a remarkably unchivalrous manner.

(Rogero is docked one rescue point for unknightly behaviour: -1 )

Angelica, however, looks down at her hand, and realises that the ring that Rogero put on her finger is none other than the ring that Brunello stole from her back in Albracca. The ring of magic resistance and also invisibility. She promptly puts it in her mouth, and vanishes from sight.

Ariosto does not record that she kicks Rogero in the nads at this point, but I like to think she does. Angelica takes invisible refuge in the cave of an old herdsman, stealing his food and, somehow, a peasant's dress.

Rogero is stricken with remorse, shame and regret. As far as he knows, the ring was a gift from Bradamante, so he feels pretty fucking rotten at having lost it while attempting to force himself on another princess.

And then he realises that he never tied up the hippogriff, and that's flown off and all.

He trudges off.

After a sulky wander, he hears the sound of battle. He rushes over to see a knight fighting a giant. The giant's club split's the knight's helmet - it's Bradamante! Oh no!

Rogero challenges, but the giant grabs the lady, and runs! Rogero gives chase!

Furioso Fishing
Orlando is now heading out to Ebuda, but a storm blows up and he finds himself lost at sea for a bit. By the time he gets to the island, Oberto, the king of Ireland, is already there. He can also see that there's a naked lady tied to a rock, and they can see that the sea monster is coming for a meal.

"We're going to need a bigger boat." 

Orlando tells his pilot that he has a plan. He asks for the longest, toughest cable aboard, and the ship's anchor. Then he takes a skiff and rows out between the orc and the rock. As the beast approaches, he hefts the cable and the anchor and leaps into the monster's mouth. He jams the anchor into the thing's palate and wedges its jaws open. Then he draws his sword and starts slashing the thing from inside.

The orc dives; Orlando swims free. He drags the cable back to the island, finds somewhere to brace himself, and reels the monster in.

It's dead by the time he pulls it ashore.

This does not please the island folk: their whole seaborne kidnapping livelihood has just been destroyed. They surge towards Orlando in a rage, but it turns out they've never fought an invulnerable knight before. Orlando kills enough of them to reach his way to the lady - who is not, it turns out, Angelica. It is Olympia. It turns out the islanders had picked her up from her island only this morning. She explains her predicament to Orlando. Orlando is not happy.

(Orlando's rescue count: +1 damsel)

Orlando sees Oberto's ship, and figures he can probably find Olympia a dress there. Oberto is a bit alarmed at being approached by two naked people, one of them covered head to toe in gore, but after some observation he recognises Orlando from his time in France, and also falls in love with Olympia.

"Eyes front, your majesty."

Orlando relates Olympia's sorry story.

So, she's single then, says Oberto.

Orlando insists at least that Olympia is dressed before any wooing happens. He heads off after Angelica, content in the knowledge that Oberto is going to marry Olympia and raze Friesland and Holland to the ground.

Atlantes' Trap Dome
Orlando tromps all over Europe, unable to find Angelica - until, in an amazing stroke of luck, he sees her! She's being carried off by a knight! He gives chase!

Orlando's horse Brigliadoro is one of the best in Europe, but the rogue knight outdistances him. Eventually, though, the pursuit ends at a lofty mansion, with a gate of gold. Orlando sees the knight carry Angelica across the threshold.

But when he crosses it himself, neither is anywhere to be seen.

Orlando goes frantic trying to escape, but now he can't find a way out. Worse, he can hear Angelica, calling to him and complaining about the lack of effective rescue.

Unknown to Orlando, there are other knights here: the Saracens Gradasso, Ferrau and Sacripant, as well as his best friend Brandimart, somehow.  However, the magic of the dome means that they can't interact with each other, and don't know that the others are even there. Each of the knights has the same story: someone stole something of value - a horse, a sword, a girlfriend - and when they pursued, they found themselves trapped in the dome.

This is another of Atlantes' magic traps, laid for Rogero - and anyone else that happens by.

Happily for Atlantes, then, Rogero is the next to burst in. He starts tearing through the manor looking for Bradamante and the giant that - he thinks - kidnapped her.

Help is at hand, however: a shifty sorceress-princess is passing by. Angelica is idly wondering whether Orlando or Sacripant would be the least worst option to take her back home, when she notices a highly magical manor. Concealed by the magic ring, she sneaks in and finds both of them.

She reveals herself to Sacripant - but the ring dispels Atlantes' spells, so she's also facing Orlando and Ferrau, who immediately start fighting with Sacripant over her. And Rogero, who looks shifty.

"Alright, boys, I've had a really shit couple of weeks and all I really want is one of you knightly arseholes to escort me back to India."
"And then marry you?'
"Not even vaguely part of the deal."
"Then we shall fight to see who shall marry you."
"You know what? Fuck you guys. I've got a magic ring, a horse and a peasant's dress, I'll take my own fucking chances."

Angelica puts her ring back in her mouth, and vanishes.

(Angelica's rescue count: +6 knights)

The three knights that are actually in love with Angelica rush off into the forest. Sacripant and Ferrau start arguing, and Sacripant says that he would challenge Ferrau to a duel if he was smart enough to wear a helmet. Ferrau explains his quest: he's vowed to wear no helmet until he's claimed Orlando's.

Orlando, says Sacripant, give him your helmet so I can thump him.

Fuck that, says Orlando, I'll take off my helmet and thump him myself.

Orlando hangs his helmet on a branch, and goes at Ferrau. Ferrau, it turns out, has much the same enchantment that Orlando does: his skin is invulnerable. The fight is therefore brutal but indecisive.

Angelica, it turns out, is close enough to watch. She's still considering asking Orlando to escort her home. She picks up the helmet to see what all the fuss is about.

A little later, Ferrau looks up from the fight to see the helmet missing. He calls off the fight and, thinking Sacripant has nicked it, runs off into the forest in pursuit. Angelica drops the helmet and, again, flees. Ferrau picks it up, satisfies himself that it's Orlando's, and puts it on. He then heads back to his army by another route, telling everyone he meets that he fought Orlando and claimed his helmet.

Both of these things are true, he figures.

Orlando, a little confused and bewildered, wanders off, pausing only to massacre a couple of passing Saracen squadrons.

Isabel the Unlucky
It's not long before Orlando encounters a damsel and an old woman, arguing. Orlando asks what's going on, and the damsel - introducing herself as Isabel - says she'll tell him, even though she'll be punished for doing so by her kidnappers, who the old woman is in league with.

Isabel is the daughter of the king of Gallacia, and is beloved of Zerbino, Prince of Scotland. Unfortunately, she was a Saracen, and so Zerbino couldn't just ask for her had. They decided to elope. Zerbino, however, had duties: he needed to lead his forces to Paris to succour Charlemagne because of the Saracen invasion force. He sent a friend - Odoric of Biscay - to kidnap her so that they could be married. All went well until the ship was caught in a storm and sank; Isabel lost her dowry, but she and Odoric survived.

Which would be fine, except that now Odoric declared his love for her and also his intention not to take her to Zerbino. Odoric sent away Zerbino's loyal mate, and murdered his own loyal mate who dared to suggest that this sort of thing is not on.

Isabel was saved from Odoric, however: they were attacked by bandits and she was kidnapped and kept in a cave, which is where Orlando finds her now. This was some time ago, but she understands they intend to sell her into slavery.

Sounds like you need a hero, says Orlando.  Isabel smiles wanly.

The knight makes short if messy work of the nearest bandits, and rides off with Isabel. The old woman slinks off into the undergrowth. 

(Orlando's rescue count: +1 princess.)

Bradamante to the Rescue!
Bradamante is back home in Marseilles, harrying Saracens and brooding about Rogero. Then Melissa arrives, explaining that she's just rescued Rogero from Alcina, but that he now needs rescuing from Atlantes.

Fair enough, says Bradamante, and mounts up, and off they go. Melissa spends the trip filling Bradamante in on all the wonderful descendants she's going to have.

"Hey, Melissa? All these descendants - are there any chicks?"
"Oh, yes, buckets. They are all models of virtue and chastity. Every single one."
"Right, but - any knights? Warrior chicks?"
"Why would there be any knights?"

As they get close to Atlante's mansion, Melissa explains carefully what Bradamante must do. Bradamante listens with all the concentration and attention to detail that a knight can muster.

"Ok, listen carefully. Atlantes has a spell that lets him disguise himself as whoever you love most. He uses it to lure knights into captivity."
"You've told me this a million times, Melissa. I understand."
"In your case, that'll be Rogero. Now, Atlantes has already captured Rogero (again) so if you see Rogero beset by fantastic beasts, you're to ignore the beasts and kill Rogero, because it's actually Atlantes."
"Kill Rogero. Gotcha."
"This is important, Bradamante."
"I know, I know... Holy shit! Rogero is being attacked by giants! I better go rescue him!"
"Don't go rescue- ah, fuck."

Bradamante finds herself trapped in Atlantes' magic dome - which is, at least, blessedly free from other knights at the moment.  

Rescue tally: 
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 6
Bradamante: 5
Orlando: 2
Rinaldo: 2
Rogero: 0
Astolpho: 0

Next: The Battle for Paris!