Ragin' Roland IX: Let's Settle This

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

Rogero rejoins the Saracens, Marphisa joins the Christians
After their adventure with Marganor, Rogero reiterates that he wants to find a way to delicately extricate himself from his oath of fealty rather than simply betraying it. Bradamante, a knight herself, gets it. She and Marphisa head back to Charles' camp.

Everyone is pleased to see her, especially her brothers.

Marphisa - who once vowed to defeat Charlemagne in single combat - is actually quite impressed when she meets the king in person. She gives an eloquent speech, detailing her history, including how she came to be Queen of India. The short version: she was sold to king of India to join his harem; on her "wedding" day, she murdered the king and his court and seized his throne; then she conquered six more kingdoms before she turned eighteen. She admits to having wanted to kill Charlemagne, but admits this as an error: she didn't know they were related, she didn't know Agramant's family had killed her parents, and she didn't know Charlemagne was quite so good.

Happy to convert, she says, then I'll go murder Agramant and baptise my kingdoms. 

Marphisa is baptised in style, by the archbishop/paladin Turpin, with Charlemagne standing in as her father.

Astolpho returns to earth 
Meanwhile, in Ethiopia, Astolpho's divine chariot has made landfall. Saint John tells him of a secret herb that will cure Prester John's blindness, and also gives him secret divine training techniques to prepare the Ethiopians for battle. Astolpho is to lead them on an attack against Biserta in North Africa.

All of this makes Prester John pretty happy.

Astolpho has a couple more preparations to make: acting on divine instruction, he flies south to a particular cave, where he traps Auster, the South Wind, in a bladder. Then he flies to the top of a mountain and starts an avalanche - which, through divine magic becomes a herd of warhorses to mount the Ethiopian troops.

With his new army and his new magic, Astolpho methodically lays waste to Africa, conquering city after city and ultimately besieging Biserta.

Moorish deliberations
News of Astolpho's actions reaches Agramant in France.

Agramant is concerned.

But Marsilius, King of Spain, suggests that this whole thing is pretty unlikely. Ethiopians? On horseback? With a leader on a hippogryph? Most likely Agramant's lieutenant Branzando has exaggerated the situation to cover his own failures. Much better for the Moors to remain in France until Charlemagne is defeated. That's just sense, nothing to do with Spain's self interest.

King Sobrino pipes up at this point, saying that perhaps it might have been better to make peace earlier, rather than listen to Rodomont and his cronies. Sobrino has actually been saying this all along, but it's sounding better now that Rodomont has pissed off and Rinaldo's back on the field. Sure, Orlando's still MIA, but the Saracen army has also lost Gradasso, Mandricardo and Marphisa.  And the Christians now have Guido, Sansonet, Gryphon, Aquilant...

Sobrino's plan isn't just to retreat, however - that leaves Spain exposed, and is pretty cowardly. No, says Sansonet, the Christians are sick of this war too. Better to stake the whole war on a single one-on-one duel.

Rogero's pretty good, says Sobrino.

Charlemagne accepts Agramant's proposal: while he's pretty sure he's winning, he's not really keen on losing any more of his knights. And, besides, with Rinaldo here, how can he lose?

Rinaldo certainly shares that point of view.

Rogero, however, is not keen. He's pretty sure he can take Rinaldo, but he's not keen on killing his future brother-in-law.

For her part, Bradamante has some fairly choice commentary to make: Rogero was supposed to be extricating himself from the Saracen army, not taking sole responsibility for the whole damn thing. Now whatever the outcome, it's not good for Bradamante. Stupid fucker, she says.

Don't worry, says Melissa, I'll fix it.

Where the fuck have you been, says Bradamante.

Don't worry about that either, says Melissa.

Duel!
Rogero and Rinaldo front up to the duelling field, accompanied by the Kings of Africa and Spain on one hand and the King and peers of France on the other. Malagigi suggests that the duel should probably be with axes, since Rogero has a magic sword. (I'm pretty sure Rinaldo does too, but Malagigi doesn't mention it.)

The Kings swear before God the terms of the wager, which is largely to do with the tribute that will be owed to the victor.  Rogero sneaks in a sneaky oath that if his king meddles in the battle or the aftermath his own services will be forfeit to Charlemagne. Rinaldo makes a matching oath, should Charlemagne prove dishonorable.

The battle starts, with Rogero trying very hard not to kill Rinaldo, or to be killed by Rinaldo.

Rinaldo has no such qualms.

The Africans are quite disappointed in this display: they were pretty sure Rogero was better than this. Agramant glares at Sobrino.

Then Rodomont appears! Agramant, he says, how come you've got a kid fighting for the future of your kingdom? How come we don't just attack the Christians?

Rodomont's appearance changes the odds substantially in Agramant's eyes. He orders the Saracens to charge.

What he didn't know was that it wasn't Rodomont at all; it was Melissa, in disguise. Once the battle starts, she vanishes in a puff of magic.

The interruption to the duel confuses Rinaldo and Rogero. They stop their own fight to work out which of the monarchs broke the truce, because that will determine which side they're on.

But no such confusion holds Bradamante and Marphisa. These are both absolutely itching to fight, Bradamante because of the enormous swelling of frustration and angst in her breast, Marphisa because she's Marphisa. They throw themselves into the fight with abandon, fighting side by side and impressing each other with their prowess. Then they split up, because they'll do more damage that way.

Agramant, meanwhile, is wondering where the fuck Rodomont went. Also Sobrino and Marsilius, who have retreated to Arles.

The Saracens are soundly defeated.

Astolpho's triumph
Because Agramant has drained much of Africa's manpower to invade France, Astolpho and Prester John are able to conquer most of Africa pretty easily. Branzardo is holed up in Biserta, and that's apparently the last remaining Saracen city in Africa.

Branzardo offers up a captured paladin, Dudon, as ransom, if Astolpho promises not to raze his city. Astolpho agrees.

Astolpho is pretty pleased with his victory, and decides to return to France. He takes some leaves and throws them into the sea, where divine magic turns them into a fully equipped and manned war fleet. They're just waiting for a favourable wind when a vessel turns up, full of Christians! These are Rodomont's prisoners from the bridge, sent to Africa as slaves. Here's Brandimart, Olivier, Sansonet, and several others.

Technically, Astolpho is the one to set them free, so he gets the rescue. It's a pretty weak rescue, but it did come about from him conquering most of Africa. 

Astolpho's rescue count: +3 named knights, plus, say, 4 others, 7 total.

As everyone is enjoying the reunion, there's an uproar. The locals have been attacked by a naked savage, who is wielding a tree. Not a big tree, but a tree.

There's also a woman in black - it's Flordelice! She and Brandimart are reunited! She's travelling with Bradimart's faithful liegeman Bardino. Brandimart is just about to embrace his old friend when the wild man interrupts with his tree.

It's Orlando! shouts Flordelice.

I've got a plan! shouts Astolpho.

The knights circle Orlando. There is a short and vicious fight, but the five of them are able to wrestle Orlando to the ground and truss him up. They throw him seven times into the sea to clean him up, then stopper up his mouth with moss. Astolpho produces the vial with Orlando's reason, and makes Orlando sniff the vapours.

Orlando comes to his senses.

And feels a little bit stupid.

Astolpho's rescue count: +1 deranged knight.

The rout of the Moors
Agramant is fighting gamefully on, but most of his forces have retreated to Arles and are fleeing by boat. The king abandons the fight entirely when he realises that both Bradamante and Marphisa are pursuing him. He retreats, burning bridges and closing gates as he goes, abandoning such of his troops that are holding bridges and outside gates. He sends his big ships home, leaving some smaller vessels to help him coordinate the stragglers. Sobrino abandons France entirely, and Marsilius retreats to Spain. Eventually Agramant takes what remains of his force sets sail, in a demoralised and bitter fleet.

He is hoping to relieve Biserta, still under siege despite Dudon's ransom, but is surprised to find the sea full of inexplicable magic warships.  Dudon is in command, and several Saracen vessels are sunk. Agramant and Sobrino are able to transfer valuables - including the horse Brigliadoro - to a smaller ship and escape under cover of darkness.

The Christians, now led by Orlando, decide to destroy Biserta once and for all. They offer the city three days grace, and then attack it with full force. After a mighty battle, Biserta falls, and is put to the torch. Branzando takes his own life, and the Agramant's remaining vassals are killed.

Agramant sees the smoke from the city from aboard ship, and asks Sobrino what they should do. Sobrino counsels that they should head to Sericane, and raise a force to win back Agramant's kingdom. Gradasso welcomes the fugitives, and offers two ways by which he might help: he'll take on Orlando in single combat while everyone else fights the Ethiopians; or he'll raise a huge force of Arabs and Persians to reconquer Africa.

Agramant likes these ideas, but says that whatever happens, they'd probably best deal with Orlando first.  He proposes that they challenge Orlando to a two-on-two fight. Sobrino says that he'd like to play too, so they decide to make it three-on-three. They send a messenger to Orlando with the challenge.

Orlando hears that Agramant has his horse and that Gradasso has his sword and Rinaldo's horse, so agrees immediately. He selects Brandimart and Olivier, they equip themselves as best they can, and off they head.

Rogero's troubles
Rogero and Rinaldo spent the battle trying to work out who broke faith first, Agramant or Charlemagne, and were unable to resolve the matter at the time. Eventually, Rogero renews his oath to Rinaldo, and rides off to find out what happened. He follows the route of Agramant's retreat, asking everyone he meets what happened.

It was Agramant, says everyone.

Rogero arrives in Arles to find no boats and no Saracens, so he gloomily heads towards Marseilles. He's still convinced that he can't desert without being called a coward, but he's not really willing to head to Africa to confront Agramant. In Marseilles he finds Dudon's fleet with all of his Saracen captives. He spots a party of Saracen kings - many of them his friends - and decides to rescue them. Dudon objects, and rides to challenge Rogero. They fight.

During the battle, Rogero considers Bradamante's lineage, and notes that her mother was Danish. Dudon is the son of Ogier the Dane, and thus Bradamante's kinsman on her mother's side. Rogero therefore uses the flat of his blade to defeat Dudon. Dudon concedes the battle, and Rogero takes back the seven Saracen kings. He takes a ship, and sails for Africa.

Rogero's rescue count: +7 Saracens. They count, even though they almost immediately drown.

Unfortunately, a storm blows up and the vessel founders. Rogero heads for the skiff, but it's overloaded and sinks. Most of those on it drown, but Rogero surfaces and swims for shore. The ship, which appeared to be lost, survives the storm and drifts, uncontrolled, to the coast of Africa.

Prelude to the triple duel
By a remarkable coincidence, Rogero's ship beaches on the shore just near Orlando and company, who are delighted to find the horse Frontino and all of Rogero's arms and armour. Orlando doesn't need armour, so he gives it to Olivier. The horse he gives to Brandimart, and he takes the sword for himself. They patch up the ship and and sail off to Sericane.

The knights arrive at the appointed duelling ground, a beach. Brandimart - once upon a time, a Saracen and a friend of Agramant's - is sent to negotiate with the Saracens. He says that the Christians are happy to concede the fight and give him all his kingdoms back if Agramant converts.

Agramant is deeply offended. He does not convert.

Rogero's future
Rogero is struggling to reach the shore in a storm. This a good time to rethink his life choices.

Choice number 1: "Probably should have chosen my girlfriend over my boss."

Choice number 2: "Probably should have accepted that the conditions of my oath to Rinaldo were met."

Choice number 3: "Probably should have got baptised before I died."

Should he survive, Rogero resolves to immediately convert, immediately marry Bradamante, and immediately swear fealty to Charlemagne.

Satisfied with these life choices, he finds renewed vigour and a helpful swell, and washes up on shore. He takes stock, and finds that he's on a desolate island. He hadn't considered this outcome: he may have escaped drowning only to starve to death on a rock.

Happily, the rock is not uninhabited: Rogero meets a hermit who has lived here undisturbed for forty years, who is thus extremely holy. The hermit addresses him as a pre-Damascus St Paul, and then explains that oaths made when drowning still count when not. 

Fair enough, says Rogero.

The hermit spends a day instructing Rogero in the mysteries of the faith, and then baptises him.

Then the hermit explains about the prophecy concerning Rogero's death: he'll die within seven years of his conversion, mostly for the deaths of Pinabel and Bertolagi. (It is noted that Bradamante killed Pinabel; basically, it sucks to be Rogero.)

The prophecy continues: Bradamante, heavily pregnant, will quest to find out Rogero's fate; their son, Ateste, will be born in a forest and eventually become a great hero like his parents; Ateste, Bradamante and Marphisa will avenge Rogero's death and burn Poictiers to the ground; Rogero's descendants will eventually become great warriors, heroes, leaders, and, especially, patrons of poets.

Rogero says, Great?

The triple duel
Orlando squares off against Gradasso. Mounted on Bayardo, Gradasso is the more powerful jouster, and Orlando is barely able to get a blow in. Eventually, Orlando is unhorsed; he draws his sword.

Agramant and Olivier and evenly matched, but Brandimart easily unhorses Sobrino. Since Gradasso is still mounted and Orlando isn't, Brandimart turns to face that king. This leaves Sobrino to face Orlando.

Sobrino is no match for Orlando, and is laid flat by a single blow to the head. He's not dead, but he looks it; Orlando turns to see what's happening with Brandimart.

Brandimart isn't losing but he's not winning either; he's riding Frontino, which lets him at least dodge Gradasso's blows. Orlando sees Sobrino's horse, and mounts it. He rides in to challenge Gradasso, and manages to get a strong blow into the joins of his enchanted armour. Gradasso, who has never been seriously injured before, goes into a rage, and retaliates with Durindana, Orlando's own sword, severing Orlando's shield and armour and wounding the knight despite his skin's enchantment. 

Through all of this Agramant and Olivier continue to fight, equally matched - but Sobrino comes to his senses, and sneaks in to stab Olivier's horse from behind. Olivier falls; Sobrino tries to stab him, but he's unable to penetrate Rogero's enchanted armour. Olivier has an arm free to defend himself, but is trapped beneath his dead horse.

Brandimart rides in to engage Agramant. Gradasso is gaining the upper hand, and hits Orlando with a stunning blow. The noise spooks Orlando's horse, which flees. Gradasso makes to pursue, but sees that Brandimart has wounded Agramant and shattered his sword; the king is defending himself with a mere dagger.

Gradasso rides in and cuts Brandimart's head in half.

The shock of this sight brings Orlando back to his senses; he regains control of his horse and rides towards the Saracen kings. He decapitates the beleaguered Agramant. Agramant's head lands at Gradasso's feet; Gradasso doesn't even raise his sword against Orlando's killing blow.

Brandimart, despite having his head split down to the nose, is able to beg Orlando to take care of Flordelice before he dies.

Orlando rescues Olivier from under his horse; Olivier's foot is badly damaged and he can no longer walk. He also finds a heavily wounded Sobrino. Sobrino concedes the fight, and Orlando makes sure he is consigned to good care. Then he gathers up all of the various magic swords, sets of armour and horses, and heads back to France.

Next: The End.

Rescue tally: 

Astolpho: 14
Melissa: 12
Rogero: 9
Bradamante: 7
Angelica: 7
Orlando: 3
Marphisa: 3
Rinaldo: 2

Ragin' Roland VIII: Allegory, Violence and Family Values

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

I have no idea where we left Astolpho, but now he's flying south. Also, east. West, north, up, down. Basically, all over Europe and Africa, in no particular order. He pitches up in Ethiopia.

Astolpho and the harpies from hell
Ethiopia is important, because it has something you don't often find in Africa: a Christian king. Astolpho lands and rides across the golden drawbridge, through the golden gate and up the bejewelled streets. He introduces himself to the king: Senapus, also known as Prester John.

Prester John has a problem, however. He is labouring under a curse: he was struck blind and is beset by harpies. His sin - and it's a big one - was to wage war on God. The king rode his armies into Egypt, up a mountain at the source of the Nile, and into the worldly part of heaven. God opened up heaven's gates, releasing a single angel to destroy the army, and hell's gates, releasing harpies to torment the king. The basic harpy bit has not changed since classical Greece: harass the blind king, foul his food, screech a lot, sort of thing.

The king is very pleased to see - metaphorically - a paladin. He says that, given his sin, asking for remittance is a bit much, but if there's anything Astolpho can do to provide respite, he'll worship him as an angel and the Messiah.

Nah, says Astolpho, I'm just a dude. I'll fight your monsters, but maybe you should save your worship for God?

A banquet is prepared in Astolpho's honour, and sure enough, the harpies gatecrash it. Astolpho turns his sword on them, but they are tough and numerous, and he doesn't win. The meal is ruined.

But Astolpho has another plan. He tells everyone to stuff their ears with wax, and prepare another banquet. He mounts his hippogriff, and just as the harpies arrive for round two, he sounds his horn of terror.

The harpies flee.

Into the pit
The harpies flee into a cave. Astolpho follows them. The cave leads to hell. Astolpho hesitates - is heading into hell really the best plan? But then he figures that his horn of terror has been pretty reliable, and can probably handle anything hell throws at him - up to and including Satan.

In the cave Astolpho faces choking fumes and intangible shades. One of the spirits offers him some breathing space if he'll listen to her tale.

The spirit is Lydia of Lydia, and it turns out that Astolpho is in the hell of faithless women. Lydia tells a tale of seduction, manipulation, bloodshed and betrayal: she pretended to be in love with this guy Alcestes so that he would fight her father's enemies, thinking one of them would probably kill him. Alas, he won every battle, losing all his own friends and allies in the process, and so when he returns, ultimately triumphant, she says that actually she never really loved him.

This is pretty poor behaviour, but eternity in hell seems a bit harsh all the same.

Astolpho briefly considers staying in hell and speaking to more ghosts, but then the smoke rises and he decides that it was a bad idea in the first place.

He has a bit of a wash, and gets on his hippogriff to go check out heaven.

Fruit and flowers
The earthly part of heaven is on top of a mountain in Ethiopia. Astolpho finds that he has an advantage that few knights before him had: a flying steed. Instead of climbing the mountain, he just zips on up.

On the summit of the mountain is a beautiful garden with flowers of precious gems, and trees of fruit and flowers. There's a giant pavilion made of ruby, with an old man waiting for him. This is Saint John the Apostle, and he's very glad to see Astolpho.

Look, says John, Charlemagne's in a bit of trouble, and we want to help, but first you should have something to eat.

Astolpho dines with Saint John, and several old testament prophets. In a true sign of godliness, the prophets make sure the hippogriff has enough to eat first.

"This is great! With fruits like these, no wonder our forefathers couldn't resist!"
"We don't talk about those two, Astolpho."

The next morning, John explains to Astolpho that the problem is Orlando: Orlando isn't smiting Saracens as he should, he's off mooning over some foreign princess. Who isn't even a Christian.

So, says Astolpho, I should go give him a good talking to?

No, says John, we need you to go to the moon.

The prophets load the saint and the paladin into a flaming chariot, and send them into orbit.

A knight on the moon (and a word from our sponsor)
The moon is rather more crowded than Astolpho expected, since it's filled with all the things that have been lost on Earth. There are lakes of lovers' tears, bladders full of sighs, piles of old crowns, and so on. John patiently explains all the symbolism, but Astolpho confesses that it's all going over his head. Disappointed, John pulls out a bottle labelled "Orlando's wit" and gives it to Astolpho.

"There's a lot of flasks up here."
"There's a lot of stupid folk down there."

On the way down, John pops in to say hello to the Fates, busily weaving everyone's destiny. John offers Astolpho a bit of future history, and takes him onward past some allegorical geography.

But the most important lesson that John the Apostle, John the Evangelist has for Astolpho is this:

Poets are awesome. Poets are special. Where would we be without poets? Poets are the only reliable source of immortality since antiquity. Do you need a poet to tell the story of your glory? If you're thinking everlasting worldly fame, think: Poets! Poets - they're pretty great.
PS Please remember to pay your poet.

Thanks, says Astolpho, but I don't feel that was directed at me.

Bradamante at the bridge
Bradamante is still wandering, disconsolate. She has a vague idea to track down Rogero and kill him for his apparent faithlessness, but really she's just miserable.

Flordelice is also miserable, since her Brandimart was captured by Rodomont and imprisoned in a tower. But Flordelice has a mission: find a knight who can defeat Rodomont and free all the tower's captives.

Flordelice is happy to see Bradamante.

Bradamante is happy to have a fight on her hands.

The two ride to the bridge where, sure enough, they are confronted by Rodomont, who explains that he is fighting knights to take their armour and display it on the tower in tribute to the beautiful Isabella, who he murdered.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever fucking heard, says Bradamante.

It's perfectly valid, says Rodomont.

Bradamante says: A better tribute would be to defeat Isabella's murderer in combat and lock him in a tower, which is what I'm going to do.

You're hot, says Rodomont, if I defeat you can I marry you?

Get fucked, you cockwomble, says Bradamante.

They fight.

Bradamante goes into this fight knowing that Rodomont is pretty much the scariest Saracen on the board, but she's ok with that because she's pretty fed up with everything right now. She doesn't actually know that Astolpho's golden lance is magical. It is, though.

Rodomont is unhorsed, and knocked into the middle of the bridge. Bradamante's horse Rabican actually has to dance around the edge of the bridge to avoid trampling him. (Bradamante is nothing if not honourable.)

Rodomont stands up, a little dumbfounded, takes his armour off, and orders his squires to release the prisoners. Bradamante hangs his armour on the tower. The arms on display show that Brandimart, Sansonet and Olivier have been defeated, and a handful of unnamed Saracen knights. The knights themselves are not here.  (It's mentioned that Sacripant's arms are here; there was a challenge involving the horse Frontino. Rodomont defeated him and took his arms, but didn't imprison him as a courtesy to a fellow king.)

Bradamante's rescue count: +0

Bradamante asks Flordelice where's she's going next. Flordelice says she's going to head to Arles, where the Saracens are, and maybe get a boat to Africa to find Brandimart.

Bradamante has a bit of a think, and then says that she'll ride with her a part of the way. She gives Flordelice Rodomont's horse, and says, look, there's something I want you to do.

Bradamante's instructions are as follows: Flordelice is to go into the Saracen camp and find Rogero. She's to give Rogero back the horse Frontino, and say that it's a gift from an anonymous knight. Then she's to say that the knight in question thinks Rogero is a faithless arsehole, and wants him to be properly equipped for their imminent duel.

"Call him a stupid fucker if you want to."

Bradamante on the plain
Flordelice faithfully carries out the mission, and delivers both Frontino and the challenge to Rogero.

Rogero says, what the fuck?

Like, there's a lot of knights who want to fight Rogero, but he's on first name terms with them, plus they're all on his own side.

It's probably Rodomont, thinks Rogero, but why would Rodomont give me his horse?

Meanwhile, Bradamante is on the plain, shouting out a challenge.

Send Serpentine, says Agramant.

Serpentine gets pasted.

Send Grandonio, says Marsillius.

Grandonio gets pasted.

Look, says Bradamante, we could do this all day - could you send out someone worth fighting?

This pisses Grandonio off, so he has another go.

Grandonio gets pasted again.

I'm serious, says Bradamante.

By now the Saracens are speculating about who this knight actually is. Brandimart, probably, they think. Maybe Rinaldo.

Possibly even Orlando.

Ferrau says that he'll have a go.

You're not who I came to fight, says Bradamante, but at least you're worth fighting.

Ferrau asks, Who do you want to fight?

Rogero, says Bradamante.

Well, says Ferrau, if you win I'll tell him.

Also, says Ferrau, you're very pretty.

Ferrau gets pasted but doesn't mind, since he thinks he's fighting an actual angel.

Ferrau seeks out Rogero. I don't know who that guy is, says Ferrau, but he's really pretty and he wants to fight you.

Well then, says Rogero, let's fight. 

Bradamante, Marphisa, and the battle of Arles 
Rogero suits up, and is really keen to fight. The other Saracens ask Ferrau if it's Rinaldo out there.

It's not Rinaldo, says Ferrau, but it could be his little brother - except that everyone knows that Richardetto's crap.

Someone says, doesn't Rinaldo have a sister?

Holy shit, says Rogero.

Meanwhile, however, Marphisa has heard that there's a Christian champion looking for fights, and no-one has asked her. And, she reasons, Rogero will probably beat him and then there's no fight for her at all!

Marphisa puts on a phoenix helmet and rides out.

You, says Bradamante, right.

Marphisa is knocked off her horse. Rather than admit defeat, however, she draws her sword and indicates that she wishes to continue the fight.

Oh I will fucking do you, says Bradamante.

They continue to fight; Bradamante does not do Marphisa the courtesy of dismounting. The thing about the golden lance, however, is that it is designed to win jousts, not kill people. All it's really doing is knocking Marphisa down and pissing her off.

At this point the French army wakes up to the fact that there's a fight going on, and charge. Agramant opens the gates, and the Saracens ride out.

Rogero's mental state is complicated. He doesn't want Marphisa to kill Bradamante. He doesn't want Bradamante to kill Marphisa. He also doesn't want his side to lose the battle, but that's way down the list of priorities. He rides in between Marphisa and Bradamante to separate them, and engages with Charlemagne's forces.

Marphisa gets turned around and isn't able to continue her fight, which pisses her the fuck off. Bradamante sees Rogero ride past, and pursues him. She calls him out for his dishonour and faithlessness, and demands that he stand and fight.

Rogero says, what the fuck?

Fight or die, says Bradamante.

They face off, and ride towards each other. Rogero sees just how serious she is. He needs to do something dramatic.

He lowers his shield and turns his heart towards her lance.

At the last minute, she pulls up her own lance, and rides by.

The battle continues, and Bradamante is very much the hero of the day. Unwilling to kill Rogero, she vents her rage on several hundred Saracens. The Saracens rout.

During the mop-up, Rogero rides up, and says, look, can we talk?

Bradamante gallops off into the forest. Rogero follows.

So does Marphisa. Marphisa is worried about Rogero. Also, she's worried that if she lets them go she won't get to fight Bradamante some more.

That's probably her biggest worry, actually.

The forest of love and ghosts
Rogero chases down Bradamante in a grove. Bradamante swears at him. A lot. Then she spots Marphisa, and runs her down with the lance again. This time, she's determined to end her; she dismounts and draws her sword.

Rogero tries to separate them, but can't get in between the flashing blades. Then the women end up dropping their swords and trying to throttle each other, which makes Rogero's task slightly easier. He's able to drag Marphisa away.

There is literally nothing that pisses Marphisa off more than being dragged away from a fight.

Marphisa picks up her sword and goes Rogero.

The fact that Rogero is not dead in seconds impresses Bradamante, as well it should, and the fact that he's actually fighting her at all makes her wonder if she may not have gotten the wrong end of the stick.

Still, he's not fighting to kill, and Marphisa is. She lands a blow on his shield that numbs his arm; he's forced to retaliate heavily. But what should be a killing blow sticks into the stone of a tomb instead.

A ghost appears.

Holy shit, says the ghost, is that Rogero? Marphisa?

It adds, Holy shit, please don't kill each other!

The ghost has a tale to tell. The tale involves a Saracen princess, set adrift in a leaky boat by her wicked brothers by way of assassination. They may or may not have known that she was pregnant.

The murderous plot failed, anyhow, when the boat ran out of sea. The princess gave birth to twins, and died. A passing stranger - the ghost, back in the living days - found the twins. He buried the mother as best he could, and captured a lioness to feed the babies. They thrived, says the ghost, although the lion cubs probably died.

However: the sort-of-family was attacked by robbers! The girl twin was kidnapped!

The ghost - when he was alive - was heartbroken, and swore to do everything he could to protect the boy twin. But, alas, he foresaw that the boy would convert to Christianity and die...

Wait, says Rogero, you're the ghost of Atlantes?

Yeah, says the ghost of Atlantes, I died offscreen after you escaped my knight-trapping dome.

Bugger, says Rogero.

Anyway, says the ghost of Atlantes, before I died I prophesied that you and Marphisa would try and kill each other at my tomb so I petitioned the gods of the underworld...

Wait, says Marphisa, I'm the girl twin?

Yeah, says the Ghost of Atlantes.

Wow, she says, I thought I was just an orphan who had been bought from robbers by an Indian king and raised as his own - hey, wait!

Marphisa asks Rogero to explain their lineage, which Rogero had learned from Atlantes. Rogero explains the descent from Hector of Troy down to Rogero the elder, who fell in love with the warrior-princess Galaciella, daughter of Agolant, King of Africa. She snuck away, converted, and married Rogero pere; this was what made them so murderously angry. Galaciella was set adrift as previously described. The elder Rogero was betrayed by his brother and murdered by the same two Saracens.

Marphisa does some calculations, and realises that this would be Agramant's uncle and father that they're talking about.

She says to Rogero: so you knew all this?

Sure, he says.

And yet, she says, for some reason that I can only assume is cowardice, you never killed Agramant in bloody revenge for wrongs done to our parents, because you're a wuss.

It's complicated, says Rogero, because Agramant is the one who knighted me and murdering one's lord is frowned upon in chivalric circles.

It's not fucking complicated at all, says Marphisa, I'll fucking do it.

Marphisa makes a plan: convert to Christianity like her parents; murder Agramant.

Bradamante likes this plan a lot, and suggests that they both join up with Charlemagne, because honestly that will make her conversation with her parents about her betrothal so much simpler.

Bradamante is pretty happy with this turn of events, actually, because it means there's no real reason to kill either Rogero or Marphisa.

Rogero asks if he can go and hand in his notice to Agramant first.

Fuck's sake, say Marphisa and Bradamante.

Marphisa's law
The three knights are interrupted by screaming. They investigate. What they find is pretty shocking: three women, stripped naked and beaten.

One of them is Ulania, the Queen of the Lost Isle.

Ulania explains that they were set upon in a nearby village. She does not know what has happened to her golden shield, nor her three kings. She intends to find Charlemagne and demand justice.

Justice is here, says Bradamante.

The three knights fashion tunics out of their armour's lining, and carry the women on their horses. They come to a rough settlement that appears to consist entirely of women of all ages.

The women are exiles, they explain. In the town they come from, women have been outlawed. Every one of them was driven out violently, and they have been unable to return for two years. If any of their male family members try to help them, they're arrested and tortured.

Holy fucking shit, says Rogero.

The villain is the Knight Marganor, who has issues with women.

Marganor has always been an arsehole, but he used to have two sons reknowned for their courtesy and niceness. Because of these two, the kingdom was actually a pretty good place. But the first son, Cylander, fell in love with the wife of a visiting Greek knight, and was killed in the resulting joust. The second son, Tanacro, had a similar but more complicated fate: he fell in love with Drusilla, the wife of a visiting noble. There was murder, betrayal, serious head injuries, forced marriage, subterfuge and poison, and Tanacro ended up murdered by Drusilla. At this point, Marganor lost his shit: he drew his sword, killed Drusilla, and continued to murder any woman he saw.

Thus: women are outlawed, and any who approach the town are stripped and beaten.

Bradamante and Marphisa are, at this point, incandescent.

The two ride into town - followed by Rogero - and interupt an execution: the old woman who provided the poison to Drusilla. They learn that Marganor has captured Drusilla's maid, and intends to torture her to death. They grab the old woman and ride up to the castle.

The knights make short work of Marganor's men-at-arms, and Marphisa takes the villain captive. She strips him and gives him to Drusilla's maid to look after. The maid looks after him appropriately.

Rescue count: Marphisa and Bradamante, +1 each.

Bradamante loudly recommends putting all of the townsfolk to the sword; Marphisa argues in favour of putting the town to the torch instead. Unless they're willing to make repeal Marganor's woman-murdering statutes, that is.

It turns out Marphisa is scarier than Marganor.

Now, hear this, she says:

"This is Marphisa's law. All the women you exiled are welcome in this town. Every right a man has, a woman  has too. And the women will be running the place, you hear me? I'll be back in a year, and if my law is not in effect, I'm putting the whole place to the torch. Sound fair, Bradamante?"
"That sounds so fucking fair, Marphisa."

The townsfolk are very keen to demonstrate their commitment to this law, preferably by murdering Marganor. The old woman starts by torturing him with a goad.

The three knights drag Marganor before Ulania, who sentences him to imprisonment in the tower. The queen is able to recover her treasures from the castle, and finds her three kings imprisoned in the dungeon. The evil law is struck down, and replaced with Marphisa's; Marganor's armour is hung before it.

Ulania remains as queen of the castle, and before long she secretly forces Morganor out of the highest window.

Just to be sure.

Next: Let's settle this.

Rescue tally: 

Melissa: 12
Bradamante: 7
Angelica: 7
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Marphisa: 3
Rogero: 2
Rinaldo: 2

Ragin' Roland VII: Rodomont's Bridge

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

Rodomont is drunk, Rogero is pissed off, Zerbino is dead and Bradamante is...where is Bradamante, anyway?

Isabel meets her (terrible) fate
Rodomont wakes up from his bender with a hangover, and continues his journey back to Africa. He boards a boat and sails around for a bit, but his heartbreak does not abate. He holes up in an abandoned church for a while, to allow his feelings to mend. It's a pretty church, near a prosperous village, verdant fields, picturesque locals, sort of thing. As he's heading up to take possession, a damsel, a hermit and a corpse come by.

This is Isabel: she had been prepared to off herself with Zerbino's dagger, but a passing hermit stopped her and promised to take her to a nunnery.

Isabel is gorgeous, and she catches Rodomont on the rebound. He smooths down his hair, straightens his armour and goes down to say hi. He scoffs at the idea of her joining a nunnery, telling her she's far too pretty. The hermit objects with reasonable and well-thought-out theological arguments. Rodomont picks him up by the neck and throws him into the sea.

Isabel is terrified, so Rodomont decides that he must show her just how kind and gentle he can be. He imprisons her in his tower, and starts meekly fawning over her. This terrifies her even more. And since it doesn't work, Rodomont starts resorting to threats and bluster, which, again, terrifies her.

Isabel insists that she will give herself to god, but she offers a deal: if Rodomont lets her go, she will give him the secret of a herb she knows, that can be used to make a salve of invulnerability.

Rodomont reluctantly agrees; he is enamoured, but if he had a magic potion that made him invincible, he could conquer all of Gaul. All? All.

Isabel spends quite a bit of time preparing the potion. Rodomont and his men, meanwhile, get drunk. (It's noted that Rodomont, as a muslim, is not technically permitted to get drunk. It is further noted that Rodomont does not, at this juncture, give a shit.)

Isabel presents herself to Rodomont. I've made the salve, she said, and to demonstrate how it works, I've anointed myself with it. She enjoins him to hit her with his sword.

Aim for the neck, she says.

And Rodomont chops her head off.

Holy fuck, he says, what have I done?

Rodomont's weird bridge thing
Rodomont summons an army of masons, and has them build a grand tomb for Isabel and Zerbino. He also has them build a tower, and he vows to decorate it with a hundred suits of armour in Isabel's honour, which is a perfectly valid expression of grief and regret and not at all weird. He takes station near a bridge - just wide enough to joust on, two horses enter, one horse leaves sort of thing - and issues a challenge to all comers.

The challenge is answered by adventuresome knights from across the land. Rodomont is, of course, one of the mightiest pagan knights, and he tends to win. For the defeated Saracens, he takes their armour and sends them on their way. The Christians he imprisons in the tower with the intention of sending them to Africa as slaves.

It's a pretty sweet deal, and he's making progress towards his neither weird nor arbitrary target.

Then the demented Orlando happens by. Orlando wants to cross the bridge (as much as Orlando can be said to want anything at this point).

Hey weird naked dude, says Rodomont, this bridge is for knights, and there are rules.

Urgh, says Orlando, Urghurgle.

You asked for it, says Rodomont. They grapple.

At this point, Flordelice, still looking for her Brandimart, happens by. She wonders how a scruffy naked dude can hold his own against a fully armoured Saracen champion. Rodomont is wondering the same thing, and tries to lift Orlando off his feet to get control of the situation. Orlando, relying on brute force and ignorance, forces them both off the bridge.

At this point, Flordelice recognises him.

Rodomont is dragged down the river a way, dragged down by his armour. Orlando is unencumbered; he surfaces easily and climbs ashore. He gets into a tussle with some passing mountain men, and kicks their ass up the mountain. (Their literal ass, that is.) Then he meets a pair of newlyweds.

Holy shit, it's Angelica and Medoro.

Angelica does not recognise Orlando at all, since he's such a complete fucking mess. Orlando's hindbrain recognises her, though, and he dives for her. Medoro leaps in to defend her with a decapitating blow, but immediately discovers that Orlando's skin is invulnerable. Orlando kills Medoro's horse with a single blow, and Angelica flees. She has the presence of mind to put her ring of magic resistance and also invisibility into her mouth, but falls off her horse as she's doing so.

Orlando chases down the horse on foot, and leaps onto its back. He is terribly distressed to find that Angelica has vanished, and he rides the horse into the ground trying to find her. Then he puts the horse on his back to continue the search, before eventually deciding that the horse can walk. The horse, still exhausted, hurt and confused, walks slowly. Orlando drags it along. He doesn't notice when it dies.

He meets a shepherd, and offers to trade horses.

Yours is dead, says the shepherd.

It'll get better, says Orlando.

No, says the shepherd, it won't.

So Orlando kills him and takes his horse.

He rides it to the shore, where he sees a boat. He calls for the boat to stop, which it doesn't. Orlando decides to pursue it on horseback. The horse drowns.

Sometime later, Orlando is washed ashore, still mad.

A return to the great big Saracen duelling circle
Back at Agramant's camp, Rogero still wants to fight Mandricardo over the right to wear Hector's arms on his shield. However, Gradasso insists that Mandricardo can't use Orlando's sword, since its ownership is still in doubt.

Ok, says Agramant, there will be one fight, and that will settle the sword, the shield, everything.

Rogero is chosen at random to fight Mandricardo. This makes Rogero happy.

You better make this good, boy, says Gradasso.

Marsilius points out that they can't really afford to lose either Rogero or Mandricardo at this point.

Shut up, says Agramant. Then: actually that's a good point, maybe we can postpone.

Doralice is bent to the same purpose: can't you just let the kid have the heraldry, she begs, because I don't actually want you to die.

But, says Mandricardo, I'm in invulnerable armour with a magic sword, and he's just a kid. What could possibly go wrong?

Then Rogero comes up and says, Hey dickhead, you ready to fight?

And Mandricardo says, Oh, it's on.

It's a brutal battle. Mandricardo gets first blood: a blow that split's Rogero's shield, breastplate and chest. Rogero returns with a mighty blow which narrowly misses Mandicardo's head, but does connect with his arms. Mandricardo drops his reins.

Brigliadoro is not enjoying this fight, and Mandricardo finds it hard to control him. Rogero is able to recover. Mandricardo eventually gets control of the horse, and rises in his stirrups to deliver a death blow to Rogero.

Rogero is quicker.

Rogero gets him under his arm, where there's a gap in the armour.

Mandricardo drops his shield, his blood spilling over Hector's emblem.

That means I win, says Rogero. And falls over.

At home with Bradamante
Meanwhile, Hippalca has returned to Bradamante with Rogero's letter, explaining that he's going to fight on the Saracen side for a bit.

Well, that's a fucking stupid decision, says Bradamante.

But she waits out the allotted time.

Rogero does not turn up.

Do you think something's happened to him, she asks.

He was pretty good in a fight, says Richardetto, and besides, Marphisa's with him.

Who? says Bradamante.

This fucking awesome Saracen chick, says Richardetto. He adds: man she was hot.

Oh really, says Bradamante.

At this point Rinaldo turns up, taking a break from his quest to find Angelica to visit his wife and kids at home. The news arrives that Charlemagne has been defeated, largely thanks to Rogero and Marphisa.

We...probably should do something about that, says Rinaldo.

Rinaldo gathers his brothers - Guichard, Richard, Alardo, Richardetto - and cousins - Aldigier, Vivian and Malagigi. They mount up and head for Paris.

Bradamante stays home, hoping that Rogero will turn up.

Meeting the family
On the road to Paris, the party meets a stranger knight, offering a challenge. Richardetto rides out to joust him, but gets knocked on his arse. Alardo follows suit, and joins him on the ground.

My turn, says Rinaldo, but Guichardo gets there first. And hits the ground.

Ditto Richardo, Malagigi, Vivian.

Now it's my turn, says Rinaldo.

(Aldigier remains silent, for reasons of his own.)

Rinaldo and the stranger joust; they hit each other so hard that the stranger's horse breaks in half.

I'm think I'm going to have to fight you over that, says the stranger.

I can give you another horse, says Rinaldo.

Not the point, says the stranger.

On foot then, says Rinaldo, and I'll give you my horse if you win.

They fight. They fight a lot. They fight all day. They hit hard enough to shatter each others shields and armour. It's a long, drawn-out, furious thing.

Eventually, Rinaldo notes that it's getting dark and maybe they should stop for the night.

Fair enough, says the stranger.

They set up in pavilions; Rinaldo arranges for a horse to be provided to his opponent.

I'm Rinaldo, says Rinaldo.

Holy shit, says the stranger, I've been looking for you.

The stranger knight introduces himself: it's Guido the Savage, bastard son of Aymon and brother to most of the company.

"Wait a second - those other guys..."
"Your brothers. And some cousins."
"Really? They were pretty crap."
"Yeah. But wait till you meet our sister!"

The next day the squad comes across Gryphon and Aquilant, along with Sansonet. Also with them is Flordelice, who is visibly distressed. She is distressed because (a) Orlando has gone mad and (b) Mandricardo nicked his sword. But Gradasso has it now, she says, because Mandricardo is dead.

(Nobody mentions saving Oliver and Ogier, so I assume they're still captive.)

Rodomont's bridge, again
The Mont Alban force is now actually pretty huge. They arrive at the battle site to find the Moors and Saracens lulled and sleepy. Rinaldo leads a stealth attack on the camp; they are victorious. The king is saved!

"Rinaldo? About fucking time you showed up."

Flordelice is happy: she has finally found Brandimart! They embrace! They snog! They embrace some more!

But wait, she says, I need to tell you about Orlando.

She explains about Orlando's madness, and Rodomont's bridge and tower, which was the last place she saw him.

Brandimart immediately rides off to find Orlando; Flordelice rides with him, not willing to let him out of her sight again.

Rodomont has regained his place on the bridge, and calls out his challenge. Brandimart is not one of the top-tier knights, however, and loses. He and his horse are knocked into the river.

Flordelice begs Rodomont - in Isabel's name - to save him, on account of him being so very pretty. Rodomont reluctantly agrees, and drags Brandimart and his horse out of the stream.

Then he locks him in his tower. Rules are rules.

Flordelice rides off to find someone to rescue Brandimart.

Gradasso v. Rinaldo (I)
Agramant wakes up to find his army in mid-rout. Rinaldo and Malagigi are mopping up the stragglers, and most of the Saracen army is fleeing. Agramant tries to get some control, and manages to get some of them aboard ships to retreat to safety. He makes the wounded Rogero a particular priority, making sure he's safe.

Gradasso, however, has spotted Rinaldo, and has also spotted Rinaldo's horse Bayardo. Gradasso had two goals in coming to France: Orlando's sword (tick!) and Rinaldo's horse. He ignores the disordered troops around him and calls out Rinaldo to single combat. These two last faced off right at the beginning of Innamorato; Gradasso thinks Rinaldo wussed out, when actually he'd been kidnapped by Malagigi to help Angelica. Rinaldo agrees to a duel tomorrow at dawn; the battleground is to be a nearby beach. The terms: Bayardo against Durindana, Orlando's sword.

Rinaldo's friends and family are weirdly nervous about the upcoming duel - how can he hope to stand against Gradasso, armed with Durindana? He's only the second or third best knight in Christendom! Malagigi in particular fears the worst, but is reluctant to screw up Rinaldo's duel a second time.

Still at home with Bradamante
Bradamante is pretty miserable. She is convinced that Rogero would not betray her, and very aware that he has not actually turned up. This is a problem for her.

Mostly, she blames Melissa for getting her hopes up.

She spends several stanzas moping, and then decides to do something: she heads off to track Rogero down.

Along the way she meets an unnamed knight who had been imprisoned by the Saracens. She asks about Rogero. The knight gives the whole story: the duel, the wound, the rout.

But don't worry, says the knight, there's this gorgeous warrior chick looking after him. Reckon they'll be married when the kid gets better, he adds. This is apparently the prevailing rumour in the Saracen camp.

This does not do Bradamante's mental state any good at all. She wonders how anyone could be so false and yet so very, very pretty.

She briefly considers killing herself, then decides that she'd rather kill a lot of other people.

Marphisa, for example.

The Queen of the Lost Isle
Bradamante wisely decides to avoid all her brothers, and instead makes her own way in pursuit of the Saracen army. The downside is that this makes her vulnerable to sidequests and random encounters.

She meets a beautiful lady - the Queen of the Lost Isle, also known as Ulania - who is accompanied by the kings of Sweden, Gothland and Norway. She has vowed to marry the most valiant knight, and these three are here hoping for a chance to demonstrate their valour, preferably at the expense of the others. The queen's plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity: she has a golden shield, which she will give to Charlemagne, who will give it to the most valiant knight, who she will marry. If it turns out to be one of her kings, that's great, but if not: hey, valour!

This strikes Bradamante as a bad plan. The last time a foreign princess arrived offering herself as a prize for the most valiant knight, it set off an epic chain of conflicts and events that are even now still playing out.

Also, what if Rogero wins it? It's a long shot, given that he's on the other side, but it's where her mind is.

She wanders on. It starts to rain. She heads to a nearby tower: Tristram's Tower.

The castellan calls out a friendly welcome, and then lays down the rules: there's only room for one knight, and so if there's more than one knight they have to joust for it.

Also, there's only room for one lady, and so if another lady wants to come only the prettiest is allowed in.

Shut up and let me in, she says.

There's already a lady and a knight here, he says.

Well get them fucking out here, she says.

It's raining, he says.

I know it's fucking raining, she says.

For some reason there's not one knight, but three: the kings she met earlier in the day. The lady is the Queen of the Lost Isles.

Armed with Astolpho's magic lance and a towering rage, Bradamante unhorses the three of them in one pass.

You can come in, says the castellan.

Bradamante listens patiently while the castellan explains the story behind the custom, a long and rambling bit involving Tristram and Yseult of Arthurian legend, jealousy, revenge, that sort of thing.

Then she sits down to dinner, at which point the castellan points out that there are two ladies present, which is not allowed. Bradamante is the prettiest, he says.

Bradamante says: I am a knight, and you will treat me as a knight. This lady is a queen, and you will treat her as a queen. Fuck your stupid rules.

You make a compelling argument, says the castellan.

Bradamante and the Queen of the Lost Isles spend a pleasant evening, warm and cosy, watching the tower's magic tapestries that show all of past and future history.

That night, when the restless knight finally drops off to sleep, Rogero visits her in a dream. He says that he  loves her and that he's finally arrived to be baptised and married, and...

...then she wakes up.

Fucking fucker, she says.

She gets dressed and armed, says goodbye to the queen and the castellan, rides out past the shivering kings, and heads off. The kings, pretty sure now that they're not going to win the golden shield, chuck their arms and armour into the moat, and wander off themselves.

Gradasso v. Rinaldo (II)
Gradasso and Rinaldo face off on the beach. Bayardo is tethered nearby. The knights go at it. Gradasso is stronger, but Rinaldo is far more skilful. That would probably make a bigger difference if Gradasso wasn't wearing yet another set of magic impervious armour.

But then Bayardo gets spooked by a giant demon bird. The bird tries to eat Bayardo, but the horse kicks it in the face, breaks its tether and bolts into the forest.

Did you summon that thing, Rinaldo asks Malagigi.

Noooo, says Malagigi.

We should probably go after him, says Rinaldo to Gradasso.

Yeah, says Gradasso. Gradasso mounts his own horse, and rides off.

Fucker, says Rinaldo.

Gradasso finds Bayardo cowering in a crevice, and takes possession. Technically, for honour's sake he should take the horse back to the duelling ground and continue the fight with Rinaldo. But, reasons Gradasso, I've come all the way to France for this horse; if Rinaldo wants to fight for it, he should have to come all the way to Sericane.

He calls for a ship, and sails off.

Next: Astolpho goes to hell.


Rescue tally (no change): 
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 7
Bradamante: 6
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Marphisa: 2
Rogero: 2

Ragin' Roland VI: Strife with Saracens

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

Orlando has cast off his sword and armour and is now running naked through the greenwood, tearing out trees, plundering villages and picking up peasants and using them to hit other peasants. His immense strength and invulnerable skin make him pretty difficult to deal with, and pretty soon the main peasant tactic becomes 'run away'! We'll ignore him in favour of Zerbino, who's wondering what happened to him.

Zerbino and the crone (III)
Zerbino and Isabel, wondering what happened to Orlando, come across a knight held captive by two other knights. By a staggering coincidence, the prisoner is Odoric, once Isabel's protector, then captor, and once fast friend of Zerbino's. The two knights are Gallacians: Corebo and and Almonio. Corebo is the knight who tried to defend Isabel from Odoric in the first place; Odoric left him for dead, but it turns out he wasn't. Almonio found him and nursed him back to health, and the two have been wandering around looking for any or all of Odoric, Isabel or Zerbino ever since.

And here they all are.

Zerbino is just considering whether to have Odoric executed for treachery - and against that, there's Odoric's convincing argument that obviously he would fall in love with Isabel if left alone with her - when an uncontrolled horse comes galloping through. It's Gabrina: Mandricardo has taken her bridle but left her on a horse, which has apparently been thundering through the forest ever since.

This gives Zerbino an opportunity to show some mercy: he sentences Odoric to be Gabrina's champion, protector and companion for a year. This seems pretty lenient to Corebo and Almonio. You haven't met Gabrina, says Zerbino. Odoric swears a mighty oath that he will do as he is bid.

Odoric and Gabrina ride off and out of the story - though the poet notes that Odoric almost immediately broke his oath and hanged Gabrina with a bridle; and Almonio did the same to Odoric a year later.

Zerbino meets his (terrible) fate. 
Zerbino sends everyone but Isabel back to Paris to let the court know what's going on, and continues on through the wood.

Pretty soon he meets a disconsolate maiden: this is Flordelice, beloved of Brandimart. Brandimart has been missing in action for many months, and Flordelice is now searching the length and breadth of Europe for him.

(Actually, Brandimart has recently been rescued by Astolpho and has gone back to Paris, but Flordelice doesn't know that.)

The three come across Orlando's discarded armour and sword, and Brigliadoro, his horse. A peasant passes in a panic, and explains that these things must have been discarded by the naked madman currently tearing up his village.

Uh, says Zerbino. Not quite knowing what to do, he arranges the armour and sword on a tree, with a board saying "These are ORLANDO's, don't touch if you know what's good for you!"

Then Mandricardo rides up, sees the sword and yoinks it.

That's Orlando's, says Zerbino.

Where's Orlando, says Mandricardo.

He's gone mad, says Zerbino.

I reckon he's faking so he doesn't have to fight me for the sword, says Mandricardo.

Well, you'll have to fight someone for it, says Zerbino. Zerbino draws his sword.

Zerbino is good, but Mandricardo is better. A lot better. Also, he has Hector's enchanted armour. And he has a magic sword now. Zerbino fights gamely, but Mandricardo delivers him several serious wounds.

The fight is called off by Doralice, who is extremely sympathetic to Isabel's evident distress.

Mandricardo rides off with Durindana, Orlando's sword.

Flordelice rides off, muttering that Brandimart will hear of this.

And Zerbino dies in Isabel's arms.

Mandricardo and Rodomont
Mandricardo and Doralice are setting up camp for the knight, when Doralice spots Rodomont approaching. Rodomont is questing for Doralice, and intends to fight Mandricardo for her. Mandricardo, having completed his set of Hector's accoutrements, is all in favour of such a fight.

Hey dickhead, he shouts, bring it on.

Battle is joined, and it's huge. Rodomont and Mandricardo are both enormously potent fighters. Furious blows are exchanged. The battle lays waste to the surrounding forest.

Then Mandricardo's horse rears up, and Rodomont chops through its skull. Rodomont, never particularly sporting, charges at the dismounted knight, but Mandricardo knocks his horse out from under him. The two face off again, this time on foot.

The battle is not interrupted by the arrival of a messenger from Agramant, because the messenger doesn't quite know how to get in between the blades to pass on the message. He explains to Doralice that Marsilius and Agramant are in a pretty bad way, and both Mandricardo and Rodomont have been summoned to support the Saracen forces.

Let me deal with this, says Doralice. She steps between the combatants, and tells them to cool it.

They cool it.

Listen to me, says Doralice, I'm not going with either of you until this whole war thing is sorted.

Ah, say Rodomont and Mandricardo. Then: fair enough.

Mandricardo's just trying to work out what he's going to ride when Brigliadoro ambles past, so that's sorted.

The rescue of Richardetto
Rogero is in a pickle. He knows that Agramant, his liege, is not doing very well in the war and has called for succour. On the other hand, he's lost his girlfriend. He decides that his best bet is to finish the bit of rescuing that he started with Bradamante, then pop round to Agramant's camp and see if he still needs succour. He justifies this by telling himself he can't just abandon the distressed damsel who asked him and B. to save...some guy.

It's a good choice, because he arrives into town to find a terribly beautiful knight tied to a stake, about to be burned to death!

To the rescue!

I should point out here that Rogero has made an assumption that is not entirely true. He has assumed that the knight bound to the stake is his lady love Bradamante, who - he assumes - has attempted to rescue the doomed knight and been captured herself. Because of this false assumption, he fights like a demon. The raging mob is driven off, and the damsel cuts the knight down.

(Rogero's rescue count: +1)

Rogero is shocked to find that it's not Bradamante. It's not even a girl.

That was some rescue, says the stranger.

Don't take this the wrong way, says Rogero, but I thought you were my girlfriend.

Oh, this happens all the time, says the stranger. He introduces himself as Richardetto, Bradamante's twin brother. They're hard enough to tell apart at the best of times, but since she got a head wound and cut her hair, they're practically identical.

Richardetto goes on to tell a story:

"Yeah, like this one time, Bradamante saved this chick, and the chick totally fell in love with her, and Bradamante is all like, 'hey, I'm not a dude,' and this chick is all like 'well I'm in love with you so you better be a dude’..."
"You don't have to tell me this whole story..."
"So she gets back and tells us about it and I'm like, I know this chick and she's really hot, so I steal Bradamante's armour and ride back and say that I saved this nymph who granted me this one wish and I wished to be a dude, just for her. And she was like super grateful, if you know what I mean..."
"Please stop..."
"And anyway I was there for months and her dad found out and that's how come I was tied to a stake and everyone was going to kill me. So thanks, dude!"

Richardetto and Rogero ride off towards a nearby town, where they meet Aldigier, Richardetto's cousin. Aldigier has grave news: his half-brothers Vivian and Malagigi have been captured by Ferrau the Saracen! Actually, that happened way back near the start of the book, if not the end of the last one. But Aldigier knows where they are! They're being held captive by Bertolagi of Maganza, who has joined up with the Saracens!

Rinaldo has been sent for, but Richardetto says he's pretty sure Rogero could do the rescuing.

At this point, Rogero remains in a pickle. His liege is being harassed by Christians, and here's Rogero hobnobbing with them! And Bradamante was nowhere near the adventure site!

He weighs up his options: should he proceed to the abbey, where he can convert and get married, and so abandon his king? Or should he defend his king even if it means fighting Bradamante's kin?

He decides to write a letter to Bradamante:

"Dear Brads, I've decided to go and rescue Agramant, and after that I swear I'll come and convert and marry you and everything, should be a couple of weeks at most, hope that's ok, love Rogero. 
PS: it's an honour thing, I know you understand. 
PPS: going to rescue your cousins first.
PPPS: your brother's a bit of a dick."

A rescue and a battle
The three knights set out to rescue Vivian and Malagigi. They are immediately accosted by another knight, who challenges them all to a joust.

We'd love to, says Aldigier, but we're on a rescue mission.

Oh, says the stranger, do you want help?

Sure, says Aldigier.

Hi, says the knight, I'm Marphisa and I really just want to fight someone.

They come across the caravan that's transporting the prisoners. Marphisa comes up with a simple yet elegant battle plan: let's attack them!

The plan works rather better than it might have: because they're being attacked by Rogero and Marphisa, technically pagans, the Maganzese think that the Moors they're dealing with have betrayed them. The whole thing turns into a free-for-all, which ends in a complete rout of both the Moors and the Maganzese.

Rogero is hugely impressed with Marphisa's fighting; Marphisa, likewise with Rogero's. Actually, everyone's hugely impressed with Marphisa's fighting, but she's busy chatting to Rogero now and ignoring everyone else.

Vivian and Malagigi are rescued. The party finds a magic fountain laid down by Merlin, whose carvings represent all past and future history. Malagigi, a crap sorcerer as well as a crap knight, provides a great deal of exposition on this. Vivian listens. Rogero and Marphisa swap sword-polishing tips.

(Rescue count: Marphisa and Rogero, +1 each. Aldigier and Richardetto are pretty useless.)

Shortly after lunch a maiden wanders by: this is Hippalca, Bradamante's messenger. She explains that she was sent by Bradamante with a horse for Rogero - which was stolen by Rodomont. She's been hoping to catch up with Rogero, Richardetto, Aldigier or, basically, anyone, ever since.

As luck would have it, Mandricardo, Rodomont and Doralice happen to ride by the fountain at this point. Marphisa has discovered some dresses in Bertolagi's train, and decided to try one on. Mandricardo falls in love with her immediately, and decides to joust for her. He quickly defeats Vivian, Malagigi, Aldigier and Richardetto, and announces to Marphisa that he has won her by defeating, presumably, her lord.

If any of those had been my actual lord, says Marphisa, maybe you'd be right. Then she adds: you want to fight? Fight me.

She dons her armour and goes Mandricardo. The initial joust is inconclusive, so they dismount and hack at each other with swords. They're both wearing indestructible armour, so the battle lasts a while.

Eventually Rodomont steps in and reminds Mandricardo that they have places to be, defending their king from, you know, the mightiest warriors in all France.

Actually, says Marphisa, that sounds awesome, can I come too?

Rogero quickly passes his letter to Hippalca, so that she can take it back to Bradamante, and goes off with the Saracens, driven by his oath of fealty.

Saracen strife
They don't get far when Rogero brings up the matter of the horse Frontino. Rodomont says he'd be happy to fight for it, after they've saved Agramant.

We can fight for it later, says Rogero, as long as you give me my horse now.

An argument starts, and Mandricardo is about to intervene when he realises that Rogero is wearing Hector's emblem on his shield. As far as Mandricardo knows, he's the only one who can claim descent from that hero, so he challenges Rogero to a duel over it.

It's on, says Rogero.

Then Rodomont and Marphisa intervene, saying they'll never get to the war if everyone keeps fighting. Rodomont tries to bully Mandricardo into calming down. This does not calm Mandricardo down. Marphisa tries to point out that they can all fight after the war. She is able to calm them down to the point where they can all reiterate their grievances, and then the fight starts up again. Rogero tries to knock Rodomont off his horse, at which point both Rodomont and Mandricardo pummel him. Seeing two against one angers Marphisa, and she throws herself into the fray.

Then Richardetto and Vivian blunder in, and take Rogero's side. This gives Rogero the opportunity to wound Rodomont, which in turn lets him support Marphisa, who is evenly matched with Mandricardo.

The battle ends when Malagigi uses magic to spook Doralice's horse, which runs off into the wood. Rodomont immediately pursues, as does Mandricardo.

Rogero thanks Richardetto for his intervention, and asks that he pass on his love to his sister. Rogero and Marphisa head off after the Saracens, and the turn for Paris.

War!
King Agramant is currently under siege. However, Gradasso and Sacripant, recently released from Atlantes' dome, have arrived with a small relief force. Doralice's horse, possessed by a demon, leads Rodomont and Mandricardo straight to the others, and Rogero and Marphisa arrive shortly afterwards. Although still riven by disagreements, this is a mighty force, and they fall upon Charlemagne's army like a ton of bricks.

The battle is a disaster for the Christians. Oliver and Ogier are captured, and only the valour of Brandimart prevents the king himself from falling.  The besieging army finds itself besieged in turn.

Where the fuck are Orlando and Rinaldo, asks the king.

So far, the most effective tactic Charlemagne has against the Saracens is prayer, so he implements it once again. God gets onto Michael, and Michael kicks Discord down to sort something out among the Saracens.

This is the easiest gig Discord has ever had.

The Great Big Saracen Duelling Circle 
Agramant finds himself confronted by half his knights, who all want to fight each other. The situation is this:

• Rodomont wants to fight Mandricardo over the maiden Doralice
• Rogero wants to fight Rodomont over his horse Frontino
• Mandricardo wants to fight Rogero over his right to wear Hector's heraldry
• Mandricardo wants to fight Marphisa because he wants to marry her (without actually releasing his claim on Doralice)
• Marphisa wants to fight Mandricardo because she's Marphisa.

Fine, says Agramant, we'll draw lots. Mandricardo and Rodomont are set up to be the first bout, then Rogero/Mandricardo, Rogero/Rodomont, and lastly Marphisa/Mandricardo.

However, this gets complicated when:

• The knight Ferrau notices that Mandricardo has Orlando's sword, and wants to fight him for it
• Gradasso also notices that Mandricardo has Orlando's sword, and likewise wants to fight him for it
• Sacripant notices that Rodomont is riding Frontino, who was originally his horse before it was ever Rogero's, and wants to fight him over it
• Marphisa notices Brunello the dwarf, who stole her sword at the same time he stole Sacripant's horse, and wants to hang him.

And this, says Agramant, is why the Saracens can't have nice things. Like France.

Agramant sighs, and decides to let Brunello be hanged. He was a pain in the arse anyway.

Then, he asks Doralice who she actually wants to marry. She says Mandricardo. Rodomont hadn't expected this, and decides to head home to Argier in a raging huff. Rogero is pissed off, because Rodomont is still riding Frontino, but he can't actually fight Rodomont until after the Rodomont/Mandricardo and Rogero/Mandricardo bouts. Lots were drawn by the king, dammit, and Rogero respects due process. So he goes off to find Mandricardo, so he can at least get that fight out of the way. Sacripant isn't waiting for a fight, so he heads off in pursuit. He is delayed, however, as he stops to rescue a randomly drowning lady.

Rodomont spends much of the journey home ranting loudly about the perfidy of women, and kings, and life in general. He eventually washes up at a pub, where he asks people to tell him dirty stories and gets really, really drunk.


Next: Rodomont's Bridge.

Rescue tally: 
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 7
Bradamante: 6
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Marphisa: 2
Rogero: 2

Ragin' Roland V: Orlando Goes Mad

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

We start with Marphisa and end with Orlando.

Zerbino and the crone (I)
While the rest of her party rides of to save France, Marphisa goes off questing through the French countryside. She immediately meets a skulking old woman - this is Gabrina, the servant of the bandits that Orlando rescued Isabel from, many cantos ago. Marphisa agrees to carry the old woman across a ford.

Shortly afterwards they meet Pinabel, the knight who pushed Bradamante into a hole several cantos ago. Pinabel has regained his lady, who was released when Bradamante broke the Tower of Iron.

(I didn't count this at the time. Bradamante's rescue count: +1 damsel.)

Pinabel's lady is not actually very nice, and as they ride past she starts insulting Marphisa.

Hey knight, says Marphisa to Pinabel, I reckon my damsel is prettier than your damsel.

She issues a challenge: if I can unhorse you, I'll take your damsel's gown and her horse. Pinabel is stung by the insult to his lady. He accepts the challenge immediately, and loses it almost as quickly. Marphisa takes the damsel's gown and horse, and gives both to the old lady.

Marphisa and the old lady ride off, and shortly encounter the Scottish knight Zerbino. Zerbino has been released from his patrolling duties so that he can chase down the knight who kidnapped his lover, Isabel. He says to Marphisa that she is wise to have chosen a damsel that no-one will want to take from her.

Hey knight, says Marphisa to Zerbino, she's prettier than you are courteous.

Marphisa aims to teach Zerbino a lesson in chivalry. She challenges him to a joust: if she wins, Zerbino will take Gabrina. If he wins, he can continue on his own way.

Zerbino is one of the champions of the Battle of Paris; he accepts the challenge immediately. And loses it almost as quickly.

Who was that knight, asks Zerbino.

Dunno, says Gabrina, I thought she was just some damsel.

(I'm not counting this as a rescue for Zerbino.)

Zerbino and the old lady ride off, and promptly start getting on each other's nerves. Gabrina works out that Zerbino is Isabel's beloved. She taunts him, saying that she knows what happened to her. Zerbino gives his best and deepest apology, and begs to know what's going on.

Oh, you know, says the crone, she's been betrayed, kidnapped, abducted by bandits, all sorts of terrible terrible things.

Zerbino begs, cajoles, threatens and pleads to be taken to where she was last seen; Gabrina reluctantly agrees to take him, taunting him all the while.

They encounter another knight. Gabrina reminds Zerbino that he's supposed to protect her. She tells him that this is Hermonides of Holland, who killed her father and her brother. Protect me, she says.

Hey knight, says Hermonides, I'm going to kill that woman. Stand aside.

I'm kind of sworn to protect her, says Zerbino, sorry.

They joust, and Zerbino wounds Hermonides badly through the shoulder.

Hermonides says that he's surprised to see such a valiant knight defending such a horrible woman.

It's like this, says Hermonides: through a complicated series of lies and betrayals, Gabrina tricked my brother Philander into killing her husband and taking his place. Then she tried to poison him. It was all pretty bleak for Philander, but Gabrina was betrayed by her poisoning partner after she tried to poison him as well, so it all worked out alright and we imprisoned her so that we could burn her at the stake.

Wow, says Zerbino, sorry about the shoulder.

Don't worry about it, says Hermonides, I've got people with me.

Zerbino rides off with Gabrina, and starts to wonder how he might get rid of her with his honour intact.

Astolpho to the rescue!
Somewhere in the Middle East, Astolpho is trying to get home. Of course, Astolpho's horse is Rabican, made of wind and fire, and it turns out that his main problem in getting home was all his impossibly earth-bound comrades. He scoots back around the Mediterranean and across Europe, and is back home in England in a matter of weeks. Here he finds that his father, Otho, has been in Paris for months.

Off to Paris, then - but as he stops for a drink by a river, someone nicks his horse.

Of course, he sets off in pursuit, but he's on foot and clad in armour, and his horse is made of wind and fire.

He tracks the thief as best he can, and finds himself outside a magic dome. This is Atlantes' dome of trapping, which contains (at least) Bradamante. Astolpho was given a book by Logistilla that tells him how to undo magic, which he consults. Atlantes, however, doesn't want his dome dispelled, so he sics a posse of enscorcelled knights on him: Bradamante, Brandimart, Prasildo, Iroldo, Gradasso and Rogero.

(I'm not sure if this a plot hole - last we saw the dome Angelica had used her ring of dispel magic and also invisibility to rescue at least Rogero, Orlando, Brandimart, Sacripant and Ferrau - or if I missed the bit where Brandimart and Rogero circled back and got trapped again. But it's the same dome that Bradamante got trapped in, and it now apparently has a bunch of other trapped knights within it. Trapping knights is what it's for.)

Astolpho is pretty good, but this is a pretty heavy force. He brings out his horn of terror again. Everyone runs, including Atlantes. All the captured horses break their bonds, and flee as well. Astolpho watches sadly as Rabican disappears over the horizon.

Since these knights are now free and their captor has fled, they count as rescues for Astolpho. 

Astolpho's rescue count: +6 knights!

Astolpho continues what he started, turning over a rock buried under the threshold and releasing the spirit trapped therein, dissolving the magic dome once and for all. He is heartened to see Atlantes' hippogriff, which fled back to its master once it escaped from Rogero. Astolpho was there when Logistilla was instructing Rogero in the gentle art of hippogriff riding, so he fixes the bridle and flies off. He is unwilling to abandon Rabican, however, so he starts an aerial search.

Together at last!
Bradamante and Rogero flee through the forest in terror. Eventually, however, they come to their senses - and lo! Here they both are! And no-one is being kidnapped, ensorcelled, eaten or attacked by anything! They kiss! There's a lot of kissing.

Rogero proposes. Bradamante accepts, on one condition: her father isn't going to accept a Saracen as a son-in-law, so he'll need to convert.

Fair enough, says Rogero. They head off towards the nearest abbey.

But they are interrupted by a crying damsel. Neither knight is going to ignore a crying damsel.

The damsel is crying because a young knight is going to be executed. This knight had fallen in love with the daughter of Marsilius, King of Spain, and had been sneaking into her chambers disguised as a serving maid. Marsilius got wind of this, ambushed the lovers in the bedroom, and sentenced the knight to death by fire.

Not on my watch, says Bradamante.

The damsel starts crying again. To get there in time, they're going to have to go through Lord Pinabel's lands. And Pinabel has this weird new custom. See, this mysterious knight came through and unhorsed him, and took his damsel's frock and horse. So she made him pass a new law: that every knight that comes through has to surrender their horse and armour, and every damsel her dress.

Not only that, he's just taken four really awesome travelling knights into his service, who are doing the enforcing.

Not on my watch, says Rogero.

They travel onwards, and are accosted by Pinabel. And his four knights: Guido, Sansonet, Gryphon and Aquilant. This is Gryphon's fault.

"Aquilant? How come you guys are working for this dickhead?"
"Let's just say Gryphon is not allowed to choose the loyalty oaths anymore."

Guido is Bradamante's half-brother, but neglects to introduce himself. This is almost certainly out of embarrassment.

Pinabel demands the knights' armour and the damsel's gown. Rogero rides out. (Bradamante suggests that maybe he should leave this to the vastly more experienced knight, but he's keen to prove himself.) Sansonet lowers his lance. After three passes, Rogero is the victor.

Pinabel is impressed, and asks Bradamante who this kid is. But Bradamante remembers Pinabel from earlier.

"Wrong question - you should be asking 'Who is his attractive but terribly dangerous friend?'"
"I'm sorry, I don't..."
"Do you remember pushing a lady knight down a hole and stealing her horse and trapping her in a cave with a woman wizard who talked incessantly of wombs?"
"Not sure about that last bit..."
"The name is Bradamante, and I want my horse back. Stab!"

Bradamante stabs him. Then she stabs him again. Then she stabs him again.

Gryphon and Aquilant are torn: do they really want to keep fighting now that their lord is dead? Especially since he's such a creep? But Pinabel's lady demands they keep fighting for the sake of their oaths, and they reluctantly agree.

Gryphon lines up next against Rogero, but there's a twist. Rogero has a magic shield of dazzling, that will stupefy anyone who looks at it. He considers this profoundly unsporting against anything smaller than an orc-sized sea monster, so it's covered with a pillowcase. But Gryphon's lance catches the cover, exposing the shield. The remaining knights are dazzled and fall unconscious.

Rogero is mortified - to win an honourable duel using sorcery! He wakes up the goodly maiden to apologise, and surreptitiously dumps his shield in a well. He sets off on his original mission, to rescue the knightly lover.

Pinabel's four knights wake up from their magical doze, and find out that Pinabel is dead. They wonder what to do next, and wander away.

And Bradamante comes back from stabbing Pinabel, to find that everyone has nicked off.

Home sweet home
Bradamante spends the night looking at the stars and regretting her impetuous anger. In the morning, Astolpho happens to be flying by and spots her.

He's looking for someone trustworthy he can give Rabican to, as well as look after his armour. Bradamante is his cousin, and she's just the knight for the job.

Bradamante already has a horse: Frontino, who was Rogero's until he accidentally flew off on a hippogriff, then Bradamante's while she tried to rescue Rogero, then Pinabel's after he pushed her down a hole. She loads the armour onto Frontino, and sets off in search of Rogero.

It's at this point that Bradamante realises where she is: just outside Mount Alban, her family estate. She figures that it's probably not the best time to go home and explain the whole Rogero thing to the parents, and is just about to ride off when she's spotted by her brother Alardo, who greets her enthusiastically and says that everyone will be really very pleased to see her.

Especially mum.

With gritted teeth, Bradamante follows Alardo.

It becomes pretty clear that Bradamante's family obligations do not allow her to go off questing in the immediate future. She decides the best way she can help Rogero is by giving him his horse back: she surreptitiously hands Frontino off to a maid, Hippalca, with instructions to find Rogero as quickly as possible.

Hippalca dutifully heads off, and promptly finds herself in the presence of a Saracen knight.

Unfortunately, it's Rodomont.

Rodomont is afoot, and decides a horse is just what he needs.

You can't have this one, says Hippalca, it belongs to the fierce knight Rogero.

Rodomont says that's great: he can't steal the horse of an innocent maiden, but he's more than happy to steal Rogero's horse.

(Rodomont would totally steal the horse of an innocent maiden.)

Rodomont takes Frontino and heads off on his own quest, which is pursuing Doralice, currently with Mandricardo.

Zerbino and the crone (II)
Zerbino, still accompanied by the crone Gabrina, comes across Pinabel's corpse. Gabrina is all for looting it; Zerbino is against, so Gabrina makes do with surreptitiously pinching a valuable girdle.

The two move on to Altaripa, ruled by Count Anselmo. Anselmo has just found out that his son Pinabel has been murdered.

Zerbino doesn't want to be thought guilty of said murder, and says nothing about the corpse he found.

Gabrina, however, is still pissed off at the looting thing, and she starts telling everyone that Zerbino killed Pinabel. Look, she says, here's his girdle. Zerbino's silence suddenly looks incredibly suspicious, and Anselmo claps him in irons, to be executed on the morrow.

Lucky for Zerbino, then, that on the morrow Orlando turns up, with Isabel in tow. Isabel immediately tells Orlando that this is her betrothed. Orlando reckons that (a) he looks alright; (b) Anselmo has had a long-standing feud with Orlando's family, and (c) Gabrina is dodgy as shit. He immediately declares that Zerbino is innocent and must be released at once.

In the mop-up, eighty men are dead and forty more wounded, and Orlando, Zerbino and Isabel are riding towards a font.

(Orlando's rescue count: +1 Scottish knight.)

Zerbino is a little troubled; he's delighted to see Isabel again, but he is also concerned that she is clearly with a terribly impressive knight, one to whom he owes a pretty serious debt. In short, he's not sure of the extent to which Isabel is with Orlando.

Orlando is pretty astute, however, and when Zerbino bursts into tears, he realises something is up. The situation is explained, and Isabel describes Orlando's perfect chivalry, and Zerbino says that now he's even more in Orlando's debt.

Everyone is happy.

Until about five minutes later when Mandricardo comes crashing through.

Mandricardo and Orlando
Orlando, says Mandricardo, stand and fight!

Um, says Orlando, who the hell are you?

Mandricardo patiently explains that he has sworn to wield no sword but Durindana, Orlando's sword.

Fair enough, says Orlando.

Because it was Hector's sword and my ancestral right, says Mandricardo, part of the complete set of arms and armour that I'm collecting.

Ok, says Orlando.

Also, you killed my father, says Mandricardo.

We should probably fight then, says Orlando.

(Hi, says Doralice, I'm Doralice.)

They joust, and the lances shatter without any sort of result. Since Mandricardo doesn't have a sword, he tries a desperate horseback wrestling manoeuvre. Orlando, meanwhile, just grabs at shit.

So what happens is that when the horses near each other, Mandricardo stands up in the saddle and tries to grapple Orlando. Orlando, meanwhile, slips the bridle off Mandricardo's horse. Orlando is dragged off his horse with his saddle still gripped between his thighs; Mandricardo then goes careering off on an uncontrolled steed.

It takes forever for Mandricardo to stop his horse, and when he does he's got nothing to control it with. He's mortified at having to all appearances run out on a duel. Doralice catches up with him and says that her horse is pretty docile, maybe he should use her bridle. This seems ungentlemanly to Mandricardo.

But it's ok, because just then Gabrina rides up, still dressed in her ridiculous finery, and so he steals hers.

Raging Roland
In the meantime, Orlando dusts himself off and looks about for Mandricardo. When the Tartar is a no-show, he decides that a duel is a duel and he'd better track him down. He tells Isabel and Zerbino to head for Paris and don't get caught up in any adventures while they're about it.

It gets hot, and Orlando looks about a shady spot to rest. He finds a shepherd's hut, and he's just starting to relax when he sees something.

He sees "ANGELICA LOVES MEDORO" carved into a tree.

That's a funny way of spelling Orlando, he thinks.

He sees the same words carved into a fountain. And a doorpost. And woven in grass. It's everywhere.

Could be any Angelica, he thinks.

He finds a love poem, dedicated to Angelica of Cathay, the daughter of Galaphron. It's signed by Medoro, husband of Angelica of Cathay, etc. etc.

This may be a misunderstanding, thinks Orlando.

He takes shelter in the shepherd's shed, and the next morning the shepherd tells him that the last people who slept there were this lovely honeymooning couple - a Chinese princess and a young Saracen knight, and they were the happiest, most loving, most generous pair you could ever meet. They paid with this bracelet that some sucker had once given her.

Well fuck, thinks Orlando.

He walks into the deepest part of the greenwood, and then, once he is entirely sure he is alone, he completely loses his shit.

Next: Terrible, terrible things.

Rescue tally: 
Melissa: 12
Angelica: 7
Bradamante: 6
Astolpho: 6
Orlando: 3
Rinaldo: 2
Marphisa: 1
Rogero: 0

Ragin' Roland IV: Marphisa!

The Myth: Legends of Charlemagne! Knights! Shining Armour! Magic swords! Magic horses! Quests, romance, adventure, monsters, violence, irresponsible magic, and a magnificent lack of self-control!
The Book: Orlando Furioso
The Author: Lodovico Ariosto (1532-ish)
This text: An etext of a set of poetry translations from 1823 to 1831 by William Stewart Rose.   
Price: Nothin'.

(Previously...)

This episode has Marphisa in it. Marphisa is entirely my favourite character in this entire poem.

Martano's capture
We're in Damascus, and Gryphon's rage has sent the Damascan townsfolk fleeing. Gryphon has found a defensible position - the bridge over a temple's moat - and is holding it against King Norandino's knights. As the bodies start to pile up, the king realises that he may have made an error - surely this valiant knight can't be the wretch he accused of cowardice! He shouts an apology, which Gryphon accepts. They embrace, and Norandino offers Gryphon the hospitality of the palace, and a doctor to see to his wounds.

Meanwhile, Aquilant has set out in pursuit of Origilla, reasoning that that's probably what Gryphon has done. He learns that she left the tournament in the direction of Aleppo. On reaching Aleppo, Aquilant is pleased to see his brothers arms and armour, especially since the tournament's prize in on extravagant display. He is rather less pleased to see that Gryphon's armour contains Martano. He asks for one good reason why he shouldn't gut both of them for murder.

The good reason that Martano tries is that Gryphon tried to force himself on his dear sister Origilla.

Uh-huh, says Aquilant.

Aquilant heads back to Damascus, dragging Martano behind him on a rope.

Norandino and Aquilant are all in favour of torture and death for both Martano and Origilla, but Gryphon begs clemency for them both.

"Seriously, brother?"
"Seriously!"
"You have a problem."

Norandino deliberates on what would be a suitable apology for someone you've unfairly maligned and had your townspeople abuse; he decides to host another tournament in Gryphon's honour.

Marphisa!
Astolpho is still waiting for Aquilant and Gryphon to get their shit together so that they can head back to France. When he hears about a tournament in Gryphon's honour, he decides he'd better check it out. He heads off with the (Christian) king of Jerusalem, Sansonnet, who he has been hanging with.

Along the way they are accosted by a woman in armour - but when she recognises Astolpho, she breaks into a broad grin. This is Marphisa, the Queen of India and one of the best knights in the world. They fought together back in the Inammorato days, defending Angelica's city of Albracca.

"Astolpho! How're you doing? I haven't seen you since Albracca!"
"Marphisa? Were we even on the same side at Albracca?"
"No idea, but you were awesome! Dude, there's a tournament, we should totally go!"

The prize at the tournament is the magic armour that Gryphon technically won last time that Martano stole, which is on display in Damascus. This causes problems when the trio of knights turns up. It turns out that it's Marphisa's armour...

"Hey, Marphisa, didn't you used to have a suit of magic armour?"
"I ditched it to chase Brunello."
"Hey, look - the prize for the tournament is a suit of magic armour..."
"Holy shit! Be right back!"
"Did...did Marphisa just start a war?"

Marphisa charges into the marketplace to get her armour back. Astolpho and Sansonnet lower their lances and ride in her defense. Norandino directs his own knights - plus Gryphon and Aquilant - to defend the prize. Astolpho knocks the brothers off their horses with his magic lance, and it turns out Sansonnet is no slouch in the jousting department himself. Marphisa is able to recover her armour, and the three retreat back towards their inn.

Norandino, Gryphon and Aquilant pursue, but Aquilant recognises Astolpho's arms and suggests that there might be something else going on. Also, Norandino's men realise that the woman that nicked the armour is Marphisa the famous terrifying warrior queen, and become reluctant to pursue. Norandino calls for a parley, and Astolpho and Sansonnet talk Marphisa down to the extent that she's willing to talk before gutting people.

This is my armour, she politely explains, and I'll gut anyone who tries to take it.

That seems fair, says Norandino.

Norandino arranges a face-saving interpretation: had Gryphon won the tournament as expected, he had always intended to give it back to Marphisa, and anyway if Marphisa was competing she'd probably have won it anyway, so how about Marphisa keeps the armour and no-one gets gutted?

Whatever, says Gryphon. Fair enough, says Marphisa.

And Sansonnet goes on to win the tournament, mostly because Astolpho, Marphisa, Gryphon and Aquilant decide to sit watching from a hillside.

The Battle of Paris: Aftermath, with Angelica
The Saracens have retreated, but their encampment is within sight of Paris. While they don't have the will to continue the assault, Charlemagne doesn't have the forces to clear them out. It's a tense situation as night falls.

Two of Dardinello's most loyal followers - Cloridane and Medoro - decide that they can't possibly leave their king's body where it fell after Rinaldo killed him. Under cover of darkness they sneak back to the battlefield to find the corpse. Unfortunately, as they try to carry it back to the Saracen camp, they are discovered by Zerbino and his patrol. Cloridane drops the body and runs, figuring Medoro must do the same. However, Medoro is the tiniest bit more loyal to his dead king, and holds on. From the treeline, Cloridane sees Medoro cornered; he launches some arrows at the Scots. It's in vain, however, and Medoro is captured.

Please don't kill me, says Medoro, and explains his mission. Zerbino is moved by his loyalty, but one of his men stabs Medoro in the chest. Zerbino strikes the churl down, and Cloridane, believing Medoro murdered, draws his sword and charges in. Cloridane is killed, and Zerbino's squad leaves Medoro for dead.

And so he would be, were it not for a kindly invisible maiden passing by. Angelica, entirely fed up with knights and cursing a bunch of them under her breath, comes across the wounded warrior. Moved to pity, she pulls out some healing herbs and starts seeing to his wounds. She flags down a passing shepherd to help, but Medoro refuses to leave the plain until Dardinello and Cloridane are buried, a task he accomplishes with some difficulty. Then Angelica puts him to bed in the shepherd's shed, and decides to stay with him until he's well.

(Angelica's rescue count: +1 heavily wounded, very pretty soldier)

It is some days before Medoro is well again, and Angelica has time to do some thinking. This man is clearly brave, noble, and very, very, pretty. Most importantly, he is not a complete arse. As he recovers he thanks her for her efforts on his behalf, and is never anything but polite and gentle.

Angelica falls totally in love with him.

"Can there be anything a humble soldier can do to repay the kindness you have shown me?"
"I can think of something."

Angelica is not a terribly subtle person, and she makes her feelings known. Medoro, rescued from certain death by one of the most beautiful women in the world, responds enthusiastically.

The two are married - possibly by the shepherdess - and spend a month honeymooning in the shed.

It's a pleasant month, and the two spend it (a) delighting in each others' company and (b) carving "ANGELICA LOVES MEDORO" on everything, "...in divers cyphers quaintly interlaced."

Eventually, however, Angelica decides that it's time to return to China. She pays the Shepherd with an expensive bracelet that Orlando apparently gave her and that she didn't lose when stripped naked and tied to a rock.

And off they head.

Marphisa and the City of Bloodthirsty Women
Astolpho, Marphisa, Gryphon, Aquilant and Sansonnet set said for France. However, after several days of fair sailing, a gale blows up and drives them towards the African coast. They see a citadel, but the ship's master tells Astolpho that he doesn't want to take harbour there because it's full of violent women who kill or enslave people that can't meet their challenge.

What's the challenge, asks Astolpho.

Well, explains the master, first someone has to defeat the city's ten champions.

Right, says Astolpho, that seems within our capabilities.

And then, says the master, they have to satisfy ten women. 

Um, says Astolpho.

And if they can do that, continues the master, they have to marry all ten women, and if they fail, they and everyone with them will be enslaved or executed.

I see the problem, says Astolpho. Gryphon, Aquilant and Sansonnet concur. Marphisa doesn't, exactly.

But none of them really want to drown, so they head for the coast.

As the ship makes harbour the women of the city flock out to greet them. It's a terribly martial city, given over to arenas and tournament grounds. The only men are the champions - ten knights in armour - and the slaves, who wear dresses and made to do embroidery.

The city's rulers explain their custom.

Maybe we should draw lots, asks Astolpho, to determine our champion.

Nah, I'll do it, says Marphisa.

You're not really, uh, qualified for the second bit, says Astolpho.

I'm not trusting this to you boys, she replies.

Astolpho points out that he has both a magic horn and a magic lance.

Not magic enough, reckons Marphisa.

The next day Marphisa rides out in full armour, to face the ten champions. Nine of them lower their lances. The tenth, armoured in black, sits back and watches.

Marphisa is one of the world's finest warriors, and kills three of the champions on the first pass. Lances shatter on her magic armour. She draws her sword, and resolutely hacks the next six into pieces.

The tenth champion salutes her. He compliments her on her work. He held back, he says, because ten against one seemed terribly unsporting. Speaking of which, he adds that she must be pretty puffed after fighting off nine nasty knights, and maybe they should start again after a night's rest.

Marphisa says that she's barely been fighting for ten minutes and it hasn't exactly been arduous. Taking the afternoon off seems a bit lazy, to be honest.

Fair enough, says the champion, and promptly knocks her off her horse.

This doesn't happen often to Marphisa, and she's thoroughly impressed. 

She draws her sword, and the champion dismounts and does the same. They start fighting in earnest. They duel heavily and earnestly, and neither is able to gain advantage.

Lucky he wasn't fighting earlier, thinks Marphisa.

They end up fighting for the rest of the day, and as the sun starts to go down the champion suggests again that they take the fight up again in the morning. He says that he hates having become this city's champion, and that, honestly, she'll be doing him a favour if she kills him.

Marphisa agrees to a truce, and takes off her helmet.

Holy shit, says the champion, you're a chick!

I know that, says Marphisa. Why do people keep telling me?

Escape from the City of Bloodthirsty Women
The party retires to the champion's pavilion. The knight introduces himself as Guido the Savage. He is, it turns out, the illegitimate son of Duke Aymon, making him Rinaldo and Bradamante's half-brother and Astolpho's cousin. He was travelling to meet his father in France, but was shipwrecked here. He killed the ten champions and took ten wives according to the custom, but he doesn't feel quite right about it.

He also fills Marphisa in on the history of the city. It dates back to classical Greece and the aftermath of the Trojan war. Some Cretan women felt that if their menfolk were going to keep going off to war and leaving them, they may as well learn to cope. They took young lovers - but these lovers didn't turn out to be any more reliable than the last lot of menfolk, and they left. The Cretan women set off in pursuit, and ended up on this shore. Things were happy for a while, but then the men went off again in search of plunder and adventure.

So the Cretan women came up with an arrangement that let them have as many men as they needed, but not more. Surplus menfolk were killed or enslaved, and this fair city was established, with the women in control.

Marphisa listens with deep interest.

Guido ends up saying that all the sex and leisure is making him unmanly, and he wants to go to France to kill people.

Astolpho is delighted to meet a cousin, but Guido is concerned that (a) he'll win tomorrow and Astolpho will be enslaved or else (b) he'll be killed tomorrow, nullifying any particular pleasure he might derive from meeting a new family member.

Hey, says Marphisa, why don't you join us and make a break for it? You're currently a hundred percent of this city's knighthood.

Guido points out that the city is still full of heavily-armed and highly motivated women, including ninety new and angry widows and ten abandoned wives. Maybe nine, if he takes one with him.

But Astolpho has a plan.

The plan is to arm up and ride to the harbour. It is elegant in its simplicity. 

The next morning, the knights arm up. Guido assembles his men-at-arms and his favourite wife, and the party sets off for the harbour. They are assailed on all sides by archers, and Guido and Marphisa lose their horses. Desperate, Astolpho sounds his Horn of Terror.

The city's army is terrified by the sound, and routs. One woman doesn't stop running for days. Unfortunately, Astolpho hadn't been able to warn his comrades to block their ears, so they're all terrified too. Each and every knight fails their will save, and they all pissbolt for the harbour. They're already out to sea when they realise that Astolpho isn't with them.

Astolpho watches the ship sail off, and wonders how he's going to get back to France now.

(I'm crediting Marphisa with Guido's rescue from durance vile in the City of Bloodthirsty Women - Marphisa's rescue count: +1 knight)

The ship eventually makes it back to Marseilles, which is Bradamante's turf, but she's out questing.

The party decides where to go next: Gryphon, Aquilant, Sansonnet and Guido opt to head to Paris; Marphisa goes her own way.

"Hey, Marphisa, we're all going to save Paris. You want to come?"
"I'm a knight, not a herd animal. I'm going questing!"

Rescue tally: 
Melissa: 12
Angelica:7
Bradamante: 5
Orlando: 2
Rinaldo: 2
Marphisa: 1
Rogero: 0
Astolpho: 0


Next: Orlando goes mad.